(like aiyana's hanging underware? i guess the elastic has seen better days...)
this morning, the girls were really into their hair (quite unusual), so we did braids and ponytails, and then they posed:
peace
Monday, February 25, 2008
vacuuming and doing our hair
on saturday, ed had his friend come over while i was taking my time off. his friend has 2 kids as well, and they play really well with our kids. before leaving, his friend, who's really laid back and i like a lot, joked about the cobwebs hanging from the ceilings all over our house. hmm...i guess, i stopped noticing. so i decided to clean them up right then and there. so great was my enthusiasm for this (and so unusual), that everyone got into the cleaning mood. ed vacuumed the front porch, and the kids insisted on vacuuming their room...
(like aiyana's hanging underware? i guess the elastic has seen better days...)
this morning, the girls were really into their hair (quite unusual), so we did braids and ponytails, and then they posed:
peace
(like aiyana's hanging underware? i guess the elastic has seen better days...)
this morning, the girls were really into their hair (quite unusual), so we did braids and ponytails, and then they posed:
peace
Saturday, February 23, 2008
a quote i like
from WeMoon 2008:
"true friends are ones who know the tune of your heart and hum it back to you , when you have forgotten the words" (excerpt, by Galloway Quena).
i feel that in my life, i am blessed with true friends that encompass the above and so much more...
it feels so good to feel supported by people who know me, who love me, and who can reflect back to me the aspects of myself i need to remember at critical times. i also consider myself incredibly lucky to have several inspiring people in my life, and i don't mean inspiring because they're doing something extraordinary by normal standards; quite the opposite: they inspire me in the way they lead their ordinary lives, every day, through every mood and nuance of the inner and outer landscape.
i also want to add, that recently, i've experienced quite a bit of sadness in regards to friendships. sadness because i feel that people who i hold close to my heart have slipped away. somebody recently said at one of our women's circles, that we are always connected to the important people in our lives, by the strings in our hearts. i'd like to believe that, and sometimes i do, but sometimes it's hard, when you've lost contact, and you have no idea what the other person's feeling.
but i believe that there is a richness in experiencing these emotions, these different aspects of human relationships. so i'll take the sadness and the closeness, and i must say that i feel a certain gratitude for both.
"true friends are ones who know the tune of your heart and hum it back to you , when you have forgotten the words" (excerpt, by Galloway Quena).
i feel that in my life, i am blessed with true friends that encompass the above and so much more...
it feels so good to feel supported by people who know me, who love me, and who can reflect back to me the aspects of myself i need to remember at critical times. i also consider myself incredibly lucky to have several inspiring people in my life, and i don't mean inspiring because they're doing something extraordinary by normal standards; quite the opposite: they inspire me in the way they lead their ordinary lives, every day, through every mood and nuance of the inner and outer landscape.
i also want to add, that recently, i've experienced quite a bit of sadness in regards to friendships. sadness because i feel that people who i hold close to my heart have slipped away. somebody recently said at one of our women's circles, that we are always connected to the important people in our lives, by the strings in our hearts. i'd like to believe that, and sometimes i do, but sometimes it's hard, when you've lost contact, and you have no idea what the other person's feeling.
but i believe that there is a richness in experiencing these emotions, these different aspects of human relationships. so i'll take the sadness and the closeness, and i must say that i feel a certain gratitude for both.
Bunica's birthday
today is my (other) grandmother - Bunica-'s, birthday. she's turning 95.
she's healthy, but i know that she's not too happy because she's still in a nursing home. she really wants to be at home, but she's made it very difficult for my mom and aunt to bring her home when they tried. bunica is very very strong willed, and wants things on her own terms, which we all do, but unfortunately at this point in her life, she is very dependent on others because of her physical limitations. since last year, when she had surgery, she can no longer live without help. if she lived back at her appartment, she'd need someone to check on her every day, make sure she has not fallen or hurt herself, or that she hasn't forgotten the stove, water or anything else on (her short-term memory is really bad). my mom and aunt tried to bring her home a few months ago, and even found someone willing to come daily to her appartment to check on her. unfortunately, bunica refused to accept this person's help, or anyone's help, so in the end my aunt and mom had no choice but to bring her back to the nursing home. it's pretty clear to everyone right now that bunica cannot live on her own, bc she poses too much danger to herself and others. so i feel sad for her, sad that she's being so obstinate, but mostly sad that she's living her life in a place she does not like. lately, it's been very difficult to even talk to her on the phone - when my mom calls, bunica shouts at her the entire time, demanding that she fly to romania and take her out of the nursing home. so at this point, i guess i'm hoping for a mini-miracle, maybe bunica will decide to be more agreeable and accept some help, and my mom and aunt will be able to bring her home. realistically though, it seems pretty unlikely....
but, i wish her a Happy Brithday anyway, and a little more peace of mind....
she's healthy, but i know that she's not too happy because she's still in a nursing home. she really wants to be at home, but she's made it very difficult for my mom and aunt to bring her home when they tried. bunica is very very strong willed, and wants things on her own terms, which we all do, but unfortunately at this point in her life, she is very dependent on others because of her physical limitations. since last year, when she had surgery, she can no longer live without help. if she lived back at her appartment, she'd need someone to check on her every day, make sure she has not fallen or hurt herself, or that she hasn't forgotten the stove, water or anything else on (her short-term memory is really bad). my mom and aunt tried to bring her home a few months ago, and even found someone willing to come daily to her appartment to check on her. unfortunately, bunica refused to accept this person's help, or anyone's help, so in the end my aunt and mom had no choice but to bring her back to the nursing home. it's pretty clear to everyone right now that bunica cannot live on her own, bc she poses too much danger to herself and others. so i feel sad for her, sad that she's being so obstinate, but mostly sad that she's living her life in a place she does not like. lately, it's been very difficult to even talk to her on the phone - when my mom calls, bunica shouts at her the entire time, demanding that she fly to romania and take her out of the nursing home. so at this point, i guess i'm hoping for a mini-miracle, maybe bunica will decide to be more agreeable and accept some help, and my mom and aunt will be able to bring her home. realistically though, it seems pretty unlikely....
but, i wish her a Happy Brithday anyway, and a little more peace of mind....
Friday, February 22, 2008
some cute and funny pictures
the sisters, hugging...
the food co-op celebrated its 28th bday last saturday. big party inside, with 28 delicious cakes....
our sleeping situation (notice the foot in my back, it doesn't even bother me anymore...)
my friend anita was over yesterday, with her daughter clara. julia was over at the same time, so it was a house full of girls. lots of fun (and some drama too).
miss Attitude has added a new item to her favorite outfit: the goggles. it cracks me up...
art projects, one of our favorite passtimes...
the food co-op celebrated its 28th bday last saturday. big party inside, with 28 delicious cakes....
our sleeping situation (notice the foot in my back, it doesn't even bother me anymore...)
my friend anita was over yesterday, with her daughter clara. julia was over at the same time, so it was a house full of girls. lots of fun (and some drama too).
miss Attitude has added a new item to her favorite outfit: the goggles. it cracks me up...
art projects, one of our favorite passtimes...
excited about my morning
wow, i am SO infatuated with eddie vedder's voice, it's almost embarasing...
i just can't take him, especially on the soundtrack to "into the wild" which is what i've been listening to lately. and the lyrics, wow, he's just amazing.
i was hoping that if god ever spoke to me, could he please sound like that? it would make me really happy.
i'm heading to the gym now. what? the gym? yeah, i started going last week, and this is my second time. i'm feeling really good with my body these days, and healthwise in general, and i feel motivated to keep doing good things for myself; so when my sister takes the kids for the morning, it's a perfect opportunity. don't get the wrong impression, i don't do much. i'm content with 30min of cardio on a machine, a couple of laps around the track (walking), and some stretching at the end. then i take a nice shower (the real reason i go there), and then i head to the coffee shop. nice morning. so on that note, i'd better get going, so happy snowy day to everyone and see you soon...
peace
Monday, February 18, 2008
my grandmother
my grandmother, mamaia, is very ill. she had a light stroke a week and a half ago, and has been in the hospital ever since. my dad flew to romania to be with her right away.
as of right now, mamaia is not doing too well because of kidney complications. but she is fully conscious and aware of what's going on. my dad is trying to support her as best as he can. i think that being with her is actually the most he can do at this time.
the hospital conditions she's in sound terrible, and she's very uncomfortable with a tube going up her nose, and another in her arm. she tries to take them out apparently, so they tied her arm to the bed. she's sharing a small room with 7 other people, my dad said, and one night when she fell out of bed, she spent the entire night on the floor and nobody came to help her.
mamaia has been independent all her life, up until this point, living on her own with dignity and peace. now she's in the hospital, at the mercy of doctors and nurses, who are mostly too overburdened, underpaid, and jaded to care about this old woman.
i came accross a passage in my reading the other day, which sums up exactly how i see things in mamaia's situation:
"the entire medical profession is trained to keep people alive, rather than keeping people comfortable so that they can die with dignity....
to a doctor or a nurse, death is failure. to a friend or a relative, death is disaster. only to the soul is death a relief - a release." (from Conversations with God, by D. Walsch).
what i wish for mamaia, is peace and respect for her wishes (it seems that she has asked for the tube in her nose to be removed repeatedly, understanding that she might die without it, but has so far been ignored by the doctor). i think that she alone can determine whether it's worth staying alive at this point, knowing that she's had a full, active life, and knowing what the costs of staying alive are. personally, and selfishly, i want her to live. i want to know that she's there no matter what. i want her in this world. but, when i put myself in her shoes, it is very clear to me, that i would NOT want to be kept alive, unless i can live with a certain amount of comfort, independence, dignity, or whatever else i consider important in life.
so i just wish her (and my dad who has to witness all this) peace
peace
as of right now, mamaia is not doing too well because of kidney complications. but she is fully conscious and aware of what's going on. my dad is trying to support her as best as he can. i think that being with her is actually the most he can do at this time.
the hospital conditions she's in sound terrible, and she's very uncomfortable with a tube going up her nose, and another in her arm. she tries to take them out apparently, so they tied her arm to the bed. she's sharing a small room with 7 other people, my dad said, and one night when she fell out of bed, she spent the entire night on the floor and nobody came to help her.
mamaia has been independent all her life, up until this point, living on her own with dignity and peace. now she's in the hospital, at the mercy of doctors and nurses, who are mostly too overburdened, underpaid, and jaded to care about this old woman.
i came accross a passage in my reading the other day, which sums up exactly how i see things in mamaia's situation:
"the entire medical profession is trained to keep people alive, rather than keeping people comfortable so that they can die with dignity....
to a doctor or a nurse, death is failure. to a friend or a relative, death is disaster. only to the soul is death a relief - a release." (from Conversations with God, by D. Walsch).
what i wish for mamaia, is peace and respect for her wishes (it seems that she has asked for the tube in her nose to be removed repeatedly, understanding that she might die without it, but has so far been ignored by the doctor). i think that she alone can determine whether it's worth staying alive at this point, knowing that she's had a full, active life, and knowing what the costs of staying alive are. personally, and selfishly, i want her to live. i want to know that she's there no matter what. i want her in this world. but, when i put myself in her shoes, it is very clear to me, that i would NOT want to be kept alive, unless i can live with a certain amount of comfort, independence, dignity, or whatever else i consider important in life.
so i just wish her (and my dad who has to witness all this) peace
peace
one more favorite picture
i love this picture. this is aiyana in her butterfly princess dress, which she's been wearing every day for the past 2 weeks. she wears it in and out of the house, and draws a lot of comments from people. mostly they say that they wish they could dress up and express themselves as freely as she does.
in this picture she's watching the end of the famous yoga video i described earlier...
peace
yoga
i got a yoga video for sena and aiyana for christmas, and they love it. it's their only DVD and they watch it every day. they each have favorite poses, and love to show them to their friends and whoever is interested...
so here's dog pose (julia eventually got into it as well):
and tree pose, one of our favorites:
and finally, bowing and singing "namaste" at the end:
so here's dog pose (julia eventually got into it as well):
and tree pose, one of our favorites:
and finally, bowing and singing "namaste" at the end:
Thursday, February 14, 2008
more on sena
the other day, while in the car, sena asked me: mama, do dogs have gas?
i said, yes, they do, just like people.
then she was thoughtful, and after a moment she said: does it come out of their butt or their tail?
it was sweet and funny, and it made perfect sense to me how she came to her question....
on a different topic:
yesterday, sena got her graduating certificate from her first swimming class (water adjustment). she is very excited about it, and keeps looking at it.
she loved the class, but her approach to it was different than the other kids, and quite interesting. it was also misleading, mainly for the teacher.
at first, she wanted nothing to do w the teacher, or the class in general. she stood outside the pool the whole time, while the other kids were in the water following the teacher's instructions (there were 6 kids in the class). the teacher called out to her repeatedly, but each time, sena turned away, or at best acknowledged her by saying no. so she seemed uninterested and uncooperative.
ed and i knew that sena does not follow instructions from a person, unless she's very comfortable and trusts that person. we also knew that although she seemed to be learning nothing, she was taking it all in.
after 3 classes of standing outside the pool, seemingly disinterested, one evening after class, she submerged herself under the water and started to swim. she needed ed or i to be there to help her come out when she ran out of air, but other than that, she was doing it on her own. ed and i encouraged her a lot, and her teacher, who happened to pass by the pool was amazed. after that, she basically took off, and became almost fearless in the water. she also became very different in class, always sitting herself right in front of the teacher, and wanting to be first to do whatever the teacher wanted them to practice.
to me, this is not surprising bc i know that it's sena's way of learning. she needs time to observe and become comfortable in the situation at hand, but when she's ready, watch out. i think that it's important to honor each person's individual style of learning; unfortunately, a lot of people expect kids to confirm to a model of learning they consider "normal"; the substitute teacher, for example, who led sena's class one time, said to sena "you're not going to learn anything", frustrated that she could not get her to follow her instructions. i think she meant well, but was a bit misguided as to how different kids can be in learning something new.
so sena' s really comfortable in the water now, and she's so proud of her "diploma", and can't wait to go swimming again. aiyana's following suite, becoming more and more comfortable in the water and trying her own moves.
peace
i said, yes, they do, just like people.
then she was thoughtful, and after a moment she said: does it come out of their butt or their tail?
it was sweet and funny, and it made perfect sense to me how she came to her question....
on a different topic:
yesterday, sena got her graduating certificate from her first swimming class (water adjustment). she is very excited about it, and keeps looking at it.
she loved the class, but her approach to it was different than the other kids, and quite interesting. it was also misleading, mainly for the teacher.
at first, she wanted nothing to do w the teacher, or the class in general. she stood outside the pool the whole time, while the other kids were in the water following the teacher's instructions (there were 6 kids in the class). the teacher called out to her repeatedly, but each time, sena turned away, or at best acknowledged her by saying no. so she seemed uninterested and uncooperative.
ed and i knew that sena does not follow instructions from a person, unless she's very comfortable and trusts that person. we also knew that although she seemed to be learning nothing, she was taking it all in.
after 3 classes of standing outside the pool, seemingly disinterested, one evening after class, she submerged herself under the water and started to swim. she needed ed or i to be there to help her come out when she ran out of air, but other than that, she was doing it on her own. ed and i encouraged her a lot, and her teacher, who happened to pass by the pool was amazed. after that, she basically took off, and became almost fearless in the water. she also became very different in class, always sitting herself right in front of the teacher, and wanting to be first to do whatever the teacher wanted them to practice.
to me, this is not surprising bc i know that it's sena's way of learning. she needs time to observe and become comfortable in the situation at hand, but when she's ready, watch out. i think that it's important to honor each person's individual style of learning; unfortunately, a lot of people expect kids to confirm to a model of learning they consider "normal"; the substitute teacher, for example, who led sena's class one time, said to sena "you're not going to learn anything", frustrated that she could not get her to follow her instructions. i think she meant well, but was a bit misguided as to how different kids can be in learning something new.
so sena' s really comfortable in the water now, and she's so proud of her "diploma", and can't wait to go swimming again. aiyana's following suite, becoming more and more comfortable in the water and trying her own moves.
peace
Monday, February 11, 2008
my best birthday
i just turned 36 yrs old, and i had the best birthday!
i really feel surrounded by people who love me...
sena and aiyana made me a sweet necklace and bracelet, which i love to wear. they're colorful, vibrant, and very special to me because they remind me of the way my kids love me.
going into the weekend, i was actually a bit overwhelmed, since we had so many things planned. i told ed and the kids that i wanted to keep my bday really low key, although i did feel sad not to be able to celebrate with friends.
on saturday morning i had some time to myself, which was very nice; i went to the cafe and read, and then i sat by eagleville dam, looking at the water and the ducks floating by, and listening to the ice crack. when i got back home, we took sena to her dance class, and aiyana to the park. then we went to the co-op and finally back home for a nap. while at the co-op, unbeknownst to me, ed invited a bunch of our friends, who also happened to be there, over to our place that night, for a surprise gathering. it was very last minute, and it was perfect.
i was feeling really good when i got up from my nap, and soon after, our friends started showing up. when i realized what was going on, i got really excited. i'm happy i didn't know about it, bc i would've been stressed about cooking, the state of the house, etc.... instead, i got to enjoy myself in the company of people i love, without any worry. i am really grateful to ed for having done this for me, it was great.
on sunday, i had a nice breakfast with ed and the kids, then my sister and ricardo took sena and aiyana at their house for a couple of hrs, while ed and i went for a hike in the woods. it was raining and gray, but it still felt very beautiful to be walking by the river, amongst the trees. it was just nice to be outside. at the end of the hike, we sat down and read "the vision" by Tom Brown, which was a nice way to end our time together.
on sunday night, ed took the kids while i went to a blessingway for my friend Sue. it was very beautiful, intimate and touched me deeply. what a perfect thing to do on my birthday! not to mention that Sue surprised me wtih the best home-made blueberry crisp i ever had. mmm...
and the celebration continued into monday, when my friend Andela baked another amazing cake for me at the women's circle. all this was so nice and touching, and i feel like it's been the best birthday ever. above all, i feel so grateful to have these amazing, caring, loving, interesting people in my life!
at sue's house, after i blew the candle in my cake, someone asked me if i made a wish. and i said no... she said, go ahead, you can still make it...so i thought for a while, and the honest answer was that i really had no wishes to make, i'm just really happy with my life as it is....
peace
i really feel surrounded by people who love me...
sena and aiyana made me a sweet necklace and bracelet, which i love to wear. they're colorful, vibrant, and very special to me because they remind me of the way my kids love me.
going into the weekend, i was actually a bit overwhelmed, since we had so many things planned. i told ed and the kids that i wanted to keep my bday really low key, although i did feel sad not to be able to celebrate with friends.
on saturday morning i had some time to myself, which was very nice; i went to the cafe and read, and then i sat by eagleville dam, looking at the water and the ducks floating by, and listening to the ice crack. when i got back home, we took sena to her dance class, and aiyana to the park. then we went to the co-op and finally back home for a nap. while at the co-op, unbeknownst to me, ed invited a bunch of our friends, who also happened to be there, over to our place that night, for a surprise gathering. it was very last minute, and it was perfect.
i was feeling really good when i got up from my nap, and soon after, our friends started showing up. when i realized what was going on, i got really excited. i'm happy i didn't know about it, bc i would've been stressed about cooking, the state of the house, etc.... instead, i got to enjoy myself in the company of people i love, without any worry. i am really grateful to ed for having done this for me, it was great.
on sunday, i had a nice breakfast with ed and the kids, then my sister and ricardo took sena and aiyana at their house for a couple of hrs, while ed and i went for a hike in the woods. it was raining and gray, but it still felt very beautiful to be walking by the river, amongst the trees. it was just nice to be outside. at the end of the hike, we sat down and read "the vision" by Tom Brown, which was a nice way to end our time together.
on sunday night, ed took the kids while i went to a blessingway for my friend Sue. it was very beautiful, intimate and touched me deeply. what a perfect thing to do on my birthday! not to mention that Sue surprised me wtih the best home-made blueberry crisp i ever had. mmm...
and the celebration continued into monday, when my friend Andela baked another amazing cake for me at the women's circle. all this was so nice and touching, and i feel like it's been the best birthday ever. above all, i feel so grateful to have these amazing, caring, loving, interesting people in my life!
at sue's house, after i blew the candle in my cake, someone asked me if i made a wish. and i said no... she said, go ahead, you can still make it...so i thought for a while, and the honest answer was that i really had no wishes to make, i'm just really happy with my life as it is....
peace
Friday, February 08, 2008
2 questions
two questions i've been asked with increasing frequency lately:
when is sena going to school?
and,
what am i going to do now (since the kids are supposedly more independent)?
i'm a little taken back by these question, and since they're occuring frequently and often my responses meet with judgement (and looks too), i feel that i'd better work on some answers....
so for sena (and aiyana) going to school...the best i can say is that at the moment i am considering all alternatives. from public school, to homeschooling and everything in between. i've been reading on different models of education (such as montessori, waldorf, homeschooling, unschooling, etc). there are many ideas i'm drawn to in what i read, and what i come accross when speaking to other parents and educators. i'm also reflecting a lot on my own education, or lack thereof, on what i want or do not want for my children in light of my experience. of course, sena and aiyana's own input will play an important role when deciding what kind of schooling to undertake. and finally, as my friend Sue advised me, i'm planning to take things slowly, one year at a time. maybe we'll try homeschooling, or motessori, for a semester and then decide that it's not working for us, and send our kids to public school. or vice-versa.
as for question #2, what am i going to do now? hmm, i don't know, walk in the woods, paint, sing, be really involved with my kids, write...well, these are not acceptable answers to that particular question, because i know that the people who ask it assume that the answer will come in the form of some kind of job or career. as of right now, i'm not investing any energy in anything of the sort. maybe in a few years, depending on the kid situation and our financial needs (which will hopefuly be kept to a minimum as they've been so far), i'll look for something to do part-time, something that pays. maybe i'll teach anthropology at a community college, maybe i'll work at the co-op, maybe i'll go back to school. maybe i'll grow mushrooms and sell them (shiitakes are supposed to be easy to grow and they sell for $12 per pound, organic, at the co-op).
we'll see...
peace
when is sena going to school?
and,
what am i going to do now (since the kids are supposedly more independent)?
i'm a little taken back by these question, and since they're occuring frequently and often my responses meet with judgement (and looks too), i feel that i'd better work on some answers....
so for sena (and aiyana) going to school...the best i can say is that at the moment i am considering all alternatives. from public school, to homeschooling and everything in between. i've been reading on different models of education (such as montessori, waldorf, homeschooling, unschooling, etc). there are many ideas i'm drawn to in what i read, and what i come accross when speaking to other parents and educators. i'm also reflecting a lot on my own education, or lack thereof, on what i want or do not want for my children in light of my experience. of course, sena and aiyana's own input will play an important role when deciding what kind of schooling to undertake. and finally, as my friend Sue advised me, i'm planning to take things slowly, one year at a time. maybe we'll try homeschooling, or motessori, for a semester and then decide that it's not working for us, and send our kids to public school. or vice-versa.
as for question #2, what am i going to do now? hmm, i don't know, walk in the woods, paint, sing, be really involved with my kids, write...well, these are not acceptable answers to that particular question, because i know that the people who ask it assume that the answer will come in the form of some kind of job or career. as of right now, i'm not investing any energy in anything of the sort. maybe in a few years, depending on the kid situation and our financial needs (which will hopefuly be kept to a minimum as they've been so far), i'll look for something to do part-time, something that pays. maybe i'll teach anthropology at a community college, maybe i'll work at the co-op, maybe i'll go back to school. maybe i'll grow mushrooms and sell them (shiitakes are supposed to be easy to grow and they sell for $12 per pound, organic, at the co-op).
we'll see...
peace
sweet julia
for some months now, i've been taking care of Julia, my little niece, two mornings a week, while my sister and Ricardo are at work. she's such a little sweetheart, such a pleasure to have around. she's really easy-going, and seems to always be in a good mood. she definitely brightens our days when she's with us.
here are some pictures of her and my kids. julia started loving homefries and eggs, which we have for breakfast every morning, so now when she comes over that's the first thing she asks for. she has her own place at the table, her own little plate and fork, but unfortunately we haven't been able to find a chair that she really likes (she always wants aiyana's and that causes a bit of tension since aiyana's pretty uptight about her stuff. sena usually shares with julia much better....)
in this picture, the girls wanted to sit on the couch and relax; they were very specific about each having her own blanket... (the red stuff around julia's mouth is ketchup - she had just finished her homefries)
here are some pictures of her and my kids. julia started loving homefries and eggs, which we have for breakfast every morning, so now when she comes over that's the first thing she asks for. she has her own place at the table, her own little plate and fork, but unfortunately we haven't been able to find a chair that she really likes (she always wants aiyana's and that causes a bit of tension since aiyana's pretty uptight about her stuff. sena usually shares with julia much better....)
in this picture, the girls wanted to sit on the couch and relax; they were very specific about each having her own blanket... (the red stuff around julia's mouth is ketchup - she had just finished her homefries)
yearning for closeness
lately, i've been feeling a growing need to connect and communicate. not just with people, but with animals, plants, and Nature in general. it's as if the emptiness i've been experiencing on and off over the past 2 months cleared me up and made space for this. this need to feel connected manifests itself quite strongly, in the form of a vague restlessness that underlies my everyday state. i also experience it in dreams, very strongly, in the form of incredible closeness to a person (who often changes form). these dreams are pure bliss, very hard to wake up from. i know that the feeling and energy i experience through these dreams is real; and i've also come to realize that since it takes different forms, i should not get attached to any one in particular.
but lately, i've been experiencing the need for connection beyond dreams, into my waking life; and beyond humans. it's hard to say this without sounding odd, but i feel like i really want to find a way to communicate with trees, rocks, hawks and other life forms in my immediate surroundings. i feel as if there's something they're trying to tell me or teach me, but i'm unable to receive it yet.
when i stand in front of my house, overlooking the fields and the woods, i feel calm and peaceful; at the same time, i feel a strong sense of anticipation, like something is about to happen, but i'm too insensitive to capture it. so i'm working on honing my senses, maybe developing new ones. i know that i can't communicate with Nature solely though my intellect, which unfortunately, at the moment, is the only thing i really know how to use.
reading books like "grandfather" by Tom Brown, and now "mycellium running" by Paul Stamets give me clues as to how i can approach life and nature in different ways. but books are books, and they will only get me so far - so for the most part, i'm on my own, experimenting, stumbling....
one thing that's already happened due to my desire for closeness with nature is that sometimes i feel less self-centered. it's a great relief, and i feel like i'm one step closer to feeling part of everything else.
i know, on a very deep level, that i am connected to everyone and everything, but i yearn to feel it, to live it with all my being, not just my head.
that is where i am....
peace
but lately, i've been experiencing the need for connection beyond dreams, into my waking life; and beyond humans. it's hard to say this without sounding odd, but i feel like i really want to find a way to communicate with trees, rocks, hawks and other life forms in my immediate surroundings. i feel as if there's something they're trying to tell me or teach me, but i'm unable to receive it yet.
when i stand in front of my house, overlooking the fields and the woods, i feel calm and peaceful; at the same time, i feel a strong sense of anticipation, like something is about to happen, but i'm too insensitive to capture it. so i'm working on honing my senses, maybe developing new ones. i know that i can't communicate with Nature solely though my intellect, which unfortunately, at the moment, is the only thing i really know how to use.
reading books like "grandfather" by Tom Brown, and now "mycellium running" by Paul Stamets give me clues as to how i can approach life and nature in different ways. but books are books, and they will only get me so far - so for the most part, i'm on my own, experimenting, stumbling....
one thing that's already happened due to my desire for closeness with nature is that sometimes i feel less self-centered. it's a great relief, and i feel like i'm one step closer to feeling part of everything else.
i know, on a very deep level, that i am connected to everyone and everything, but i yearn to feel it, to live it with all my being, not just my head.
that is where i am....
peace
Monday, February 04, 2008
back from canada
driving back to CT yesterday was not quite aseasy as the drive up to Montreal. this time, i definitely wished the DVD player were working... but at least both kids had a nap, so the last 2 hrs of the drive were quiet. and the weather conditions were pretty good, so all in all things went ok.
but for some reason, i've been feeling stressed since i got home last night. i think it's because i have a really busy week ahead, with things planned every day. i really don't like that, having so many plans and commitments. i like taking each day on its own, and assessing the mood of the kids, and my own before deciding what to do... i've been living like that for the past 2 years and i love it.
i don't even know why this week is stressing me out so much... what commitments do i have? i have to drive to Manchester and renew my driver's licence; i have to take the kids swimming twice, then sena starts a new dance class, and ed has a bee keeping class one night. there are other things i need to take care of that i don't remember. oh, and we also misplaced 2 library books and they're due and it's bugging me that i can't find them.
but, i read a nice quote in one of my dad's papers this past weekend, and it went something like "life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how in how you respond to it". we all know this, of course, but it's nice to be reminded in such plain language. so i think that my problem right now is simply bad attitude, and i have to work with that.
oh, and something exciting that's going on right now is that i got this book i wanted about mushrooms "mycelium running" by Paul Stamets, and i'm really excited about reading it and possibly growing my own mushrooms.
peace
but for some reason, i've been feeling stressed since i got home last night. i think it's because i have a really busy week ahead, with things planned every day. i really don't like that, having so many plans and commitments. i like taking each day on its own, and assessing the mood of the kids, and my own before deciding what to do... i've been living like that for the past 2 years and i love it.
i don't even know why this week is stressing me out so much... what commitments do i have? i have to drive to Manchester and renew my driver's licence; i have to take the kids swimming twice, then sena starts a new dance class, and ed has a bee keeping class one night. there are other things i need to take care of that i don't remember. oh, and we also misplaced 2 library books and they're due and it's bugging me that i can't find them.
but, i read a nice quote in one of my dad's papers this past weekend, and it went something like "life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how in how you respond to it". we all know this, of course, but it's nice to be reminded in such plain language. so i think that my problem right now is simply bad attitude, and i have to work with that.
oh, and something exciting that's going on right now is that i got this book i wanted about mushrooms "mycelium running" by Paul Stamets, and i'm really excited about reading it and possibly growing my own mushrooms.
peace
Friday, February 01, 2008
lhasa
thanks to my parents who gave me her 2004 CD "the living road" (i love that title), my passion for Lhasa's music has been rekindled. i decided to check youtube and found a beautiful performance of de cara a la pared.
and this is el desierto.
and this is el desierto.
in montreal
i just had a great shower, long, and without any kid interruptions. what a treat!
my mom is watching sena and aiyana downstairs, and they're all very happy playing, dancing, drawing, etc.
we're in montreal, and i am very excited.
we had a great drive up here yesterday. although it didn't start so well, things worked out in the end. i found out at the very beginning of our trip, that the car DVD player i rented from the library was deffective. i was expecting lots of disappointed crying and fussing from the kids, and a very long drive. but, happily, i was wrong. they were amazingly understanding when they saw me try to make it work, to no avail. i told them that we'd watch their movies at buca's house in montreal, and they accepted it without any fussing. since we got here, they've been so interested in everything else, that they forgot all about the movies...
the drive took about 5.5hrs, with only one major stop. sena and aiyana entertained themselves with singing and story-telling; bird watching was also a big pass-time. we saw hawks, red-tailed hawks mostly; we saw one being chased and pecked at by two crows, which the kids really enjoyed. the most exciting sighting was a bald eagle. we saw it in vermont, in the southern part, and it was exciting because bald eagles are not so common in these areas. i never saw one in connecticut (ed did though), but i did see lots of them in Washington state, on the west coast, a few years back.
all in all, i was very pleasantly surprised by how well our trip went. it was also quite beautiful - i don't drive here so often anymore (about twice a year), so i forget how beautiful the landscape is, especially in vermont. the way the highway meanders through the mountains, and little things like the bare trees on the side of the road, are very special to me.
i realized, while driving and musing, that for me, the beauty of winter lays mostly in what is not revealed; but rather in what i know is present, hidden, waiting to emerge when time is right. the trees for example, are bare at this time of year, and they look dead. the life they embody is hidden deep inside - it's only a potential; yet in not so long, these same trees will bud, and leaves will open. they will attract birds, insects, and all kind of animal life. they will be vibrantly alive, and thinking of that makes me happy.
i love the cycles of nature, and how they reveal themselves in all living things, myself included. it used to be that when i felt drab and bleak and hopeless, i thought that something was wrong with me; i usually jumped on the first thing that promised relief (often getting myself in trouble); i'm a little more aware now, i have more experience and feel more in touch with Life and Nature; so i know that often, feeling dead and hopeless, is just one part of the cycle. when i feel this way now, i try to draw inwards, see if there are any things i need to shed or let go of; and recognize if there are any things that are trying to emerge, allowing them to do so. often, what seems like a dead end, is only a renewal.
i actually went through this not long ago, in december and part of january. it seems to be coming to an end now, just as spring is on its way (groundhog day tomorrow, don't forget); i can feel new seeds of hope and possibility sprout inside of me, just as i know they are deep inside the frozen ground...
peace
my mom is watching sena and aiyana downstairs, and they're all very happy playing, dancing, drawing, etc.
we're in montreal, and i am very excited.
we had a great drive up here yesterday. although it didn't start so well, things worked out in the end. i found out at the very beginning of our trip, that the car DVD player i rented from the library was deffective. i was expecting lots of disappointed crying and fussing from the kids, and a very long drive. but, happily, i was wrong. they were amazingly understanding when they saw me try to make it work, to no avail. i told them that we'd watch their movies at buca's house in montreal, and they accepted it without any fussing. since we got here, they've been so interested in everything else, that they forgot all about the movies...
the drive took about 5.5hrs, with only one major stop. sena and aiyana entertained themselves with singing and story-telling; bird watching was also a big pass-time. we saw hawks, red-tailed hawks mostly; we saw one being chased and pecked at by two crows, which the kids really enjoyed. the most exciting sighting was a bald eagle. we saw it in vermont, in the southern part, and it was exciting because bald eagles are not so common in these areas. i never saw one in connecticut (ed did though), but i did see lots of them in Washington state, on the west coast, a few years back.
all in all, i was very pleasantly surprised by how well our trip went. it was also quite beautiful - i don't drive here so often anymore (about twice a year), so i forget how beautiful the landscape is, especially in vermont. the way the highway meanders through the mountains, and little things like the bare trees on the side of the road, are very special to me.
i realized, while driving and musing, that for me, the beauty of winter lays mostly in what is not revealed; but rather in what i know is present, hidden, waiting to emerge when time is right. the trees for example, are bare at this time of year, and they look dead. the life they embody is hidden deep inside - it's only a potential; yet in not so long, these same trees will bud, and leaves will open. they will attract birds, insects, and all kind of animal life. they will be vibrantly alive, and thinking of that makes me happy.
i love the cycles of nature, and how they reveal themselves in all living things, myself included. it used to be that when i felt drab and bleak and hopeless, i thought that something was wrong with me; i usually jumped on the first thing that promised relief (often getting myself in trouble); i'm a little more aware now, i have more experience and feel more in touch with Life and Nature; so i know that often, feeling dead and hopeless, is just one part of the cycle. when i feel this way now, i try to draw inwards, see if there are any things i need to shed or let go of; and recognize if there are any things that are trying to emerge, allowing them to do so. often, what seems like a dead end, is only a renewal.
i actually went through this not long ago, in december and part of january. it seems to be coming to an end now, just as spring is on its way (groundhog day tomorrow, don't forget); i can feel new seeds of hope and possibility sprout inside of me, just as i know they are deep inside the frozen ground...
peace
Saturday, January 26, 2008
10 to 6
for the first time in...hmm...i guess over 4 years now, i slept from 10 at night till 6 in the morning with no interruption (except for my out-of-control dreams...). that is because i finally weaned aiyana from night-time nursing. i asked her not to nurse anymore, so that we could both get more sleep, and as opposed to a few months ago when i tried the same and found it heart-breaking, and hence decided to abandon the entire thing, this time things went quite smoothly, and in 3 nights we were done. now, she nurses to go to sleep, and upon waking in the morning. she still nurses during the day, usually 2 or 3 times, but this doesn't bother me at all, and i'm willing to keep going as long as she wants.
i'm grateful to ed for being very supportive during this change; on the second night of trying to wean, aiyana slept with him all night, which was really sweet. ed was very happy that she finally wanted to cuddle with him, although he didn't get much sleep, not being used to her wriggling and squirming...
i'm grateful to ed for being very supportive during this change; on the second night of trying to wean, aiyana slept with him all night, which was really sweet. ed was very happy that she finally wanted to cuddle with him, although he didn't get much sleep, not being used to her wriggling and squirming...
pictures
what we've been up to...
this past wednesday it was cold out but the sun was shining. sena really wanted to go for a picnic, because she wanted to pack her own lunch and a tablecloth in her backpack. aiyana, of course, wanted the same thing. so i though, why not? we went to mansfield hollow, and found a nice spot by the lake, in the sun. they took out their backpacks, spread their cloths on the sand, and had a little snack of cashews and raisins; they were very proud to have orchestrated the entire thing by themselves. it was all very sweet...
another day, they got dressed up with different scarves and random pieces of material found around the house, and put on an impromptu show for me. it was very beautiful, with dancing, singing, and lots of free play...
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
"every woman needs a ..."
yesterday, sena and aiyana were sitting at a table at the food co-op, having yoghurt; i was standing in line at the register waiting to pay for groceries.
then, seemingly out of nowhere, sena says to aiyana, lound enough for everyone to hear:
"every woman needs a sperm"; and the two of them continue eating their yoghurt, unaffected.
kristen, the cashier, whom we know well, gives me this look and starts laughing, then says: you'll have to tell me more about that. the guy in front of me, a stranger, can barely keep his face straight, but he's trying.
sena's been fascinated w birth and babies and wants to know everything. we explained as much as we could, and she really gets it. at one point, when our hens were laying eggs, she wanted to know if there were chicks growing inside the eggs, and we said no, bc the hens didn't get a sperm from a rooster. so then she asked if this applies to women as well, and we said yes, and hence yesterday's comment....
then, seemingly out of nowhere, sena says to aiyana, lound enough for everyone to hear:
"every woman needs a sperm"; and the two of them continue eating their yoghurt, unaffected.
kristen, the cashier, whom we know well, gives me this look and starts laughing, then says: you'll have to tell me more about that. the guy in front of me, a stranger, can barely keep his face straight, but he's trying.
sena's been fascinated w birth and babies and wants to know everything. we explained as much as we could, and she really gets it. at one point, when our hens were laying eggs, she wanted to know if there were chicks growing inside the eggs, and we said no, bc the hens didn't get a sperm from a rooster. so then she asked if this applies to women as well, and we said yes, and hence yesterday's comment....
Saturday, January 19, 2008
aiyana
we've been having a hard time with aiyana lately. actually, she's been having a hard time in general. she seems to be very moody these days, easily frustrated when things don't go the way she expects them to. she's a very intense person, and her intensity comes out in all kinds of ways. she can be so happy and bouncy and buoyant; she can be such a joy to be with and watch; and she can also be very demanding, relentless, exhausting.
one major source of frustration for her at the moment is not being able to express herself as much as she wants to, and not being understood. her language is progressing really well, she's learning so many new words all the time, putting together sentences and all of that; but i don't think it's fast enough for her, because i feel that she just can't express everything she wants to through language, and so she has to resort to whining and crying. she gets very frustrated when she says a word and we don't understand it. she'll repeat it for us patiently 5 to 10 times, but after that, if we still don't get it, she starts to cry and shout the word at us. she doesn't let go, and she can be upset about it for a while, even thuogh we try to distract her, etc.
sena's actually been really helpful in this respect, because she understands aiyana's words the best, and so many times when ed and i are having trouble, sena will spare us all a blowout by translating what aiayana's saying.
unfortunately, sometimes what makes the situation more difficult is the fact that ed and i don't agree on how to handle it. especially in the heat of the moment, when things are falling apart, and aiayana's screaming, if ed and i disagree on how to handle it, things feel SO much harder. this happened this morning, for instance.
aiayana and i slept quite poorly last night, so we were both tired waking up. sena and ed were already in the kitchen. aiayana got out of bed and went into the kitchen to be w them, and right away started being very demending with sena. she insisted on having the exact toy that sena was playing with at the moment. sena gave it to her, but when she picked something else to play with, aiayana again started whining and demanding it. she whined for a while, then ed offered ayiana some other toys but she wanted nothing to do with anything except what sena had. by this time she was crying and screaming, and all of us were standing in the kitchen.
ed's preffered approach in this situation is to let her have her fit, and ignore her until she comes down. my approach, drastically different, is to try and offer her a bunch of things to make her happy, and simply to just try all kinds of things in an attemp to find whatever works. this morning, ed didn't believe that we should take sena's toy away and give it to aiyana, and we agreed on this, but only this.
ed thinks that by catering to aiyana and trying to do whatever it takes to soothe her, i reinforce her behavior. he thinks that i should be more firm with her, and let her know that this is not an acceptable way of getting what she wants. he is probably right to some extent, but, i have a few issues with this.
one, it is simply impossible for me to ignore her and go about my business unaffected. maybe it's a mother thing. all i know is that when she's upset and crying, something inside me, which is more than my mind or reason, something very primal and instinctual urges me to help her. this urge is very strong and overrides every other thought, so i have to follow it. if i don't, i experience tremendous anxiety.
another reason for my disagreement w ed is that i really don't believe that ayiana is trying to manipulate us. i just think that she's an intense kid, and she needs help dealing with her strong emotions, especially when they come out as frustration. i think that it is our responsibility as parents to help guide her thuogh theese difficult times with compassion, as much as possible, and not just shut her out, or try to make her behave like "a good kid", whatever that is. i can really see that the same intensity that makes her be so funny and adorable, is what drives her to be so demanding at times like this morning.
fortunately, and i mean really fortunately, ed and i can and do talk about these things when things get calm again. so even though in the middle of a flareup we may disagree on how to handle it (and this can be so difficult), eventually, when things come down, we will sit down and have a thoughtful conversation about what happened, and what we can do to better work with the situation. we are both open to finding a solution that work for everyone, even though it may not be our solution. so we read books, talk to people when appropriate, and simply search our souls for the answers.
i do think a lot about how i am with aiyana, whether i should be firmer with her; whether i am not in fact doing our whole family a huge disfavor by being too indulgent? i don't know.
i do know that it's very important for me to be compassionate twds her. so it's a fine line to walk between showing compassion and being firm in a loving, supportive way. at the moment, i am stumbling.
ed, on the other hand, i think is starting to figure out that there are no set answers. that you can't just make up the rules and stick to them no matter what. that we're dealing with a child here, and that we don't want to suppress her personality or make her shut down. i think he's realizing that each child is unique and what works for one will not for another, so the rules do have to change, and adapt to personality, temperament, context, and whatever else is going on. it takes a lot of sensitivity to be this way, and i am glad that i'm with ed on this one, because if anything, he is a sensitive person.
when i left the house this morning, to go on my time off, i was crying. i could hear aiayana also criyng in the house. the air was cold outside, and it felt nice to come out into it, but i could not stop my tears. i felt sad for aiyana, frustrated for not knowing what to do, and mad at ed for not supporting me during the whole incident. i fumbled with the car seats for a while, as i did not want to go to the cafe in tears at 8 o'clock in the morning.
then ed came out of the house, and i knew that he wanted to comfort me. aiyana had temporarily stopped crying. ed and i talked for 5 minutes, and i got to tell him a little about how i felt. he did too, and it was still intense btw us, but it felt like we were making progress. he had to go back in the house soon enough, but by that time, i was feeling a lot better for having talked to him. there's a lot more to talk about still, but i can tell that we're both open to listening to each other and finding ways to work with this.
at the cafe, i read a book that my sister gave me yesterday: raising your spirited child (what a coincidence! or maybe not, maybe she noticed that i could use it...the term "spirited" certainly suits aiyana. and me, for that matter).
so after some reading, and some interesting ideas i took out of the book, i feel refreshed and enthusiastic about working with this situation. my thought is that i don't want to give up on aiyana, in the sense that i don't want to force her to fit into some mold of somebody she's not. i want to honor her personality, in all its intensity, and at the same time, i want to find ways to work with her and redirect her energy into expressions that will fit harmoniously (at least most of the time) into all of our lives.
phew, i feel better for spewing out all that.....
one major source of frustration for her at the moment is not being able to express herself as much as she wants to, and not being understood. her language is progressing really well, she's learning so many new words all the time, putting together sentences and all of that; but i don't think it's fast enough for her, because i feel that she just can't express everything she wants to through language, and so she has to resort to whining and crying. she gets very frustrated when she says a word and we don't understand it. she'll repeat it for us patiently 5 to 10 times, but after that, if we still don't get it, she starts to cry and shout the word at us. she doesn't let go, and she can be upset about it for a while, even thuogh we try to distract her, etc.
sena's actually been really helpful in this respect, because she understands aiyana's words the best, and so many times when ed and i are having trouble, sena will spare us all a blowout by translating what aiayana's saying.
unfortunately, sometimes what makes the situation more difficult is the fact that ed and i don't agree on how to handle it. especially in the heat of the moment, when things are falling apart, and aiayana's screaming, if ed and i disagree on how to handle it, things feel SO much harder. this happened this morning, for instance.
aiayana and i slept quite poorly last night, so we were both tired waking up. sena and ed were already in the kitchen. aiayana got out of bed and went into the kitchen to be w them, and right away started being very demending with sena. she insisted on having the exact toy that sena was playing with at the moment. sena gave it to her, but when she picked something else to play with, aiayana again started whining and demanding it. she whined for a while, then ed offered ayiana some other toys but she wanted nothing to do with anything except what sena had. by this time she was crying and screaming, and all of us were standing in the kitchen.
ed's preffered approach in this situation is to let her have her fit, and ignore her until she comes down. my approach, drastically different, is to try and offer her a bunch of things to make her happy, and simply to just try all kinds of things in an attemp to find whatever works. this morning, ed didn't believe that we should take sena's toy away and give it to aiyana, and we agreed on this, but only this.
ed thinks that by catering to aiyana and trying to do whatever it takes to soothe her, i reinforce her behavior. he thinks that i should be more firm with her, and let her know that this is not an acceptable way of getting what she wants. he is probably right to some extent, but, i have a few issues with this.
one, it is simply impossible for me to ignore her and go about my business unaffected. maybe it's a mother thing. all i know is that when she's upset and crying, something inside me, which is more than my mind or reason, something very primal and instinctual urges me to help her. this urge is very strong and overrides every other thought, so i have to follow it. if i don't, i experience tremendous anxiety.
another reason for my disagreement w ed is that i really don't believe that ayiana is trying to manipulate us. i just think that she's an intense kid, and she needs help dealing with her strong emotions, especially when they come out as frustration. i think that it is our responsibility as parents to help guide her thuogh theese difficult times with compassion, as much as possible, and not just shut her out, or try to make her behave like "a good kid", whatever that is. i can really see that the same intensity that makes her be so funny and adorable, is what drives her to be so demanding at times like this morning.
fortunately, and i mean really fortunately, ed and i can and do talk about these things when things get calm again. so even though in the middle of a flareup we may disagree on how to handle it (and this can be so difficult), eventually, when things come down, we will sit down and have a thoughtful conversation about what happened, and what we can do to better work with the situation. we are both open to finding a solution that work for everyone, even though it may not be our solution. so we read books, talk to people when appropriate, and simply search our souls for the answers.
i do think a lot about how i am with aiyana, whether i should be firmer with her; whether i am not in fact doing our whole family a huge disfavor by being too indulgent? i don't know.
i do know that it's very important for me to be compassionate twds her. so it's a fine line to walk between showing compassion and being firm in a loving, supportive way. at the moment, i am stumbling.
ed, on the other hand, i think is starting to figure out that there are no set answers. that you can't just make up the rules and stick to them no matter what. that we're dealing with a child here, and that we don't want to suppress her personality or make her shut down. i think he's realizing that each child is unique and what works for one will not for another, so the rules do have to change, and adapt to personality, temperament, context, and whatever else is going on. it takes a lot of sensitivity to be this way, and i am glad that i'm with ed on this one, because if anything, he is a sensitive person.
when i left the house this morning, to go on my time off, i was crying. i could hear aiayana also criyng in the house. the air was cold outside, and it felt nice to come out into it, but i could not stop my tears. i felt sad for aiyana, frustrated for not knowing what to do, and mad at ed for not supporting me during the whole incident. i fumbled with the car seats for a while, as i did not want to go to the cafe in tears at 8 o'clock in the morning.
then ed came out of the house, and i knew that he wanted to comfort me. aiyana had temporarily stopped crying. ed and i talked for 5 minutes, and i got to tell him a little about how i felt. he did too, and it was still intense btw us, but it felt like we were making progress. he had to go back in the house soon enough, but by that time, i was feeling a lot better for having talked to him. there's a lot more to talk about still, but i can tell that we're both open to listening to each other and finding ways to work with this.
at the cafe, i read a book that my sister gave me yesterday: raising your spirited child (what a coincidence! or maybe not, maybe she noticed that i could use it...the term "spirited" certainly suits aiyana. and me, for that matter).
so after some reading, and some interesting ideas i took out of the book, i feel refreshed and enthusiastic about working with this situation. my thought is that i don't want to give up on aiyana, in the sense that i don't want to force her to fit into some mold of somebody she's not. i want to honor her personality, in all its intensity, and at the same time, i want to find ways to work with her and redirect her energy into expressions that will fit harmoniously (at least most of the time) into all of our lives.
phew, i feel better for spewing out all that.....
Thursday, January 17, 2008
the barn
a few weeks ago, i was supposed to go out for my time off, but it was snowing and storming so much that i could not get the car out of the driveway. instead, at ed's suggestion, i walked over to this barn; i brought along my camping chair and book. i was bundled up, with my big coat, hat, gloves, and two pairs of pants. i sat inside the barn, in the dim light that came through the open door, and read. the storm raged outside. eventually, i put down my book and just watched. actually, it wasn't just watching. it was more like being with the storm - watching, listening, feeling it on my skin. the snow was so wild it blew right into the barn to where i sat. i could feel the strength of the storm though i felt sheltered. it was a great experience, and i'm glad that my plans to go out as usual didn't work out.
i took the picture below this past monday, on a different day than the storm.
i took the picture below this past monday, on a different day than the storm.
sunbeams from the january 2008 issue of The Sun
"one loses the capacity to grieve as a child grieves, or to rage as a child rages: hotly, despairingly, with tears of passion. one grows up, one becomes civilized, one learns one's manners, and consequently can no longer manage thses two funcions - sorrow and anger - adequately". (Anita Brookner)
"don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes, you'll know you're dead". (Tennessee Williams)
"if my life were not a dangerous, painful experiement, if i did not constantly skirt the abyss and feel the void under my feet, my life would have no meaning and i would not have been able to write anuthing". (Herman Hesse)
and my favorite:
"if you're really listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly". (Andrew Harvey)
i like this one a lot because it's so encompassing. you can't truly experience beauty and bliss if you can't allow yourself or if you're unable to experience pain and suffering. the point is not the beauty or the pain. the point is that your heart is open and hence you experience all these different aspects of life deeply.
"don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes, you'll know you're dead". (Tennessee Williams)
"if my life were not a dangerous, painful experiement, if i did not constantly skirt the abyss and feel the void under my feet, my life would have no meaning and i would not have been able to write anuthing". (Herman Hesse)
and my favorite:
"if you're really listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly". (Andrew Harvey)
i like this one a lot because it's so encompassing. you can't truly experience beauty and bliss if you can't allow yourself or if you're unable to experience pain and suffering. the point is not the beauty or the pain. the point is that your heart is open and hence you experience all these different aspects of life deeply.
Monday, January 14, 2008
aiyana's stack of books
aiyana got into this habit of carying a stack of books around the house with her. she'll have anywhere from 5 to 10 books, of different sizes, which makes the stack uneven and hard to carry.
she insists on taking it into the bedroom every day at naptime and again at night, then back into the living room. she can't carry all her books, so she drops them, trips over them and falls; then she stands around whining for someone to help.
i got aggravated with her over this a few times, until i remembered that i used to carry a stack of books with me and still do most of the times. i remember one instance in particular, when i traveled to europe by myself in 1994. i had a huge luggage, which i had to lug around cities, on and off trains, everywhere i went. most of my luggage consisted of books and shoes. i had some clothes too, but those were so skimpy that they didn't take much room.
these days, i always have at least 2 books in my bag, not counting my journal and calendar.
when i realized these things, it all suddenly seemed very funny.
she insists on taking it into the bedroom every day at naptime and again at night, then back into the living room. she can't carry all her books, so she drops them, trips over them and falls; then she stands around whining for someone to help.
i got aggravated with her over this a few times, until i remembered that i used to carry a stack of books with me and still do most of the times. i remember one instance in particular, when i traveled to europe by myself in 1994. i had a huge luggage, which i had to lug around cities, on and off trains, everywhere i went. most of my luggage consisted of books and shoes. i had some clothes too, but those were so skimpy that they didn't take much room.
these days, i always have at least 2 books in my bag, not counting my journal and calendar.
when i realized these things, it all suddenly seemed very funny.
how i feel right now
this comes as a big surprise, but lately, i've been enjoying going to the cafe less and less during my time off. same for reading my books. i wonder if it's the time of year- i feel like i'm going through some kind of transformation, and for the moment, i feel quite desolate. the only things i really enjoy are spending time with the kids (although that can be exhausting), being out in nature, or listening to music.
i feel like i'm about to leave behind or transform some important parts of me, taking steps towards something unknown. it's scary and exciting at the same time. i feel a lot of light and openess on the other side of whatever this is that i'm going through.
i've been asking for guidance, and i've been wishing so hard to get closer to Nature. so maybe this is what i'm getting: less tolerance for certain things that feel meaningless.
peace
i feel like i'm about to leave behind or transform some important parts of me, taking steps towards something unknown. it's scary and exciting at the same time. i feel a lot of light and openess on the other side of whatever this is that i'm going through.
i've been asking for guidance, and i've been wishing so hard to get closer to Nature. so maybe this is what i'm getting: less tolerance for certain things that feel meaningless.
peace
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
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Lisa's Blessingway
last sunday, i went to my friend Lisa's Blessingway. she's expecting her second baby any day now, and we had a small gathering of women in her honor. i am so glad that i was part of this, i feel like it renewed me. my friend Sue lead the ritual, which felt intimate and comforting; we had some amazing, home-cooked food afterwards; but the best part for me was meeting the other women who were there, most of which i did not know. some in particular, i felt like i connected to right away, and when they spoke during ritual, i felt so much power and beauty through them. it was very inspiring.
the ritual was simple but powerful - we each spoke about Lisa and how we knew her; then we each presented her with something for the birth - whether it be a story or birth experience; some inspiring words on motherhood/womanhood; or an object symbolic of a quality that she might find useful during birth. we also made her a necklace, each one of us picking a special bead for it, stringing them all together. she will wear it during birth, and hopefully derive strength, support, or whatever she needs from it.
whatever this blessingway may have meant to Lisa (and i think it meant a lot), it was definitely something i really needed. very nourishing, because it allowed me to connect with these amazing women on a basic level, deriving strength and inspiration from them.
i was never into baby showers, wedding showers, or even weddings for that matter. not my type of gathering. but this is something very different, and if i have another child, i'd love to have a blessingway celebration.
the ritual was simple but powerful - we each spoke about Lisa and how we knew her; then we each presented her with something for the birth - whether it be a story or birth experience; some inspiring words on motherhood/womanhood; or an object symbolic of a quality that she might find useful during birth. we also made her a necklace, each one of us picking a special bead for it, stringing them all together. she will wear it during birth, and hopefully derive strength, support, or whatever she needs from it.
whatever this blessingway may have meant to Lisa (and i think it meant a lot), it was definitely something i really needed. very nourishing, because it allowed me to connect with these amazing women on a basic level, deriving strength and inspiration from them.
i was never into baby showers, wedding showers, or even weddings for that matter. not my type of gathering. but this is something very different, and if i have another child, i'd love to have a blessingway celebration.
spring in winter
the past two days have been gorgeous - sunny and warm. so the kids and i spent a lot of times outside, and it felt so nice. on monday, we had an impromptu walk in the woods, where these pictures are taken. we spent time walking around, looking for animal tracks, and playing. the nicest part, for me, was on the way back to the car, when we took a little rest under a big tree. i noticed a sweet patch of moss on the ground under the tree, and i pointed it to sena, and she decided right away that it was a perfect sleeping spot. so she and aiyana started gathering leaves and pine needles, making a cozy nest for themselves. i just sat in the sun close-by, watching them, enjoying the warmth and beauty of the woods.
here are some pictures from that day:
sena, the little tree-hugger (she also talks to the trees)
this is a little pond we came accross on our hike. sena and aiyana were very excited to play on the shore, picking up pieces of ice and throwing them as far as possible into the pond.
i really liked the roots of this tree, and sena reminded me of a little forest sprite
the nesting spot:
and back to the car, as the sun starts going down
here are some pictures from that day:
sena, the little tree-hugger (she also talks to the trees)
this is a little pond we came accross on our hike. sena and aiyana were very excited to play on the shore, picking up pieces of ice and throwing them as far as possible into the pond.
i really liked the roots of this tree, and sena reminded me of a little forest sprite
the nesting spot:
and back to the car, as the sun starts going down
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
of hawks and chickens
(fri jan 4th 2008)
today, as i pulled out of the driveway, i saw a beautiful red-tailed-hawked perched in the bare branches of a tree. i recognized this beautiful bird as the same i saw about a week ago, in the same spot. that time, i was with my friend jennifer and our kids, and when i stopped the car to get a better look, the hawk flew away. today though, i was alone, so i stopped the car as quitely as possible, and sat in stillness, looking at him. it was only a few moments, but i felt very lucky to be in his presence. i tried to open the window so i could be closer to him, but when i did that, i saw him shift on his feet, then slowly open his wings and fly away. he swept slowly overhead, as if he wanted me to have a good look at him. definitely a large bird, probably over 1 ft tall and maybe 4 ft full wingspan, his tail a deep rust color. i followed him as far as i colud with my eyes, as he flew over the field and into the woods.
i've been in somewhat of a slump since nap-time yesterday, feeling sad and a little hopeless; but seeing him washed me clean. there was so powerful a presence about him.
actually, i often noticed that just as i get overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions, something unexpected happens, and i feel alright again.
like i'll see the hawk, or i'll sit under the tree in front of our house on a dark, foggy night and listen to the deer snorting in the field, and the wind creaking through the branches, and somehow, i end up feeling that everything is ok, and i'm renewed.
a few hours later....
as i pulled in the driveway, i could see the red-tailed hawk in the same tree he had been sitting in earlier. as soon as i got onto the driveway though, he flew away, over my neighbor's house and into the woods.
i drove to the house, parked the car and walked over to the mailbox. i must've been in a haze, because i didn't notice anything; so i was really surpsised, when all of a sudden, another, smaller hawk flew up right in front of me, off the ground and up into a tree. he was so close to me, i was obviously disturbing him, and when i looked, i saw from what - he was eating one of our chickens, whcih he must've killed not long before i got there. i could see that he has struck the chicken on the side of her neck. she had a deep gash there, but the rest of her body was intact.
now the hawk was perched in a tree right above me, obviously waiting for me to get out of there, so he could finish his meal. i felt sorry for our chicken, but also somewhat fascinated by what was going on. i checked to see if any other chickens were killed, and i found the remaining 2 hidden in the bushes. i genltly picked them up and put them in their coop. i think they feel safe in there. when i came back to where the dead chiclen was, the hawk was still up in the tree, waiting. i thought that i should just go in the house and let him finish the chicken undisturbed. but i wanted to have a good look at him first. it was a different hawk than the one i had seen earlier. much smaller, even smaller than the chicken it had just killed. it also had different markings. after looking it up in the bird book, ed and i think it's a cooper hawk. i stood by the tree for a while, looking at the hawk, who was cocking his head from side to side looking at me. we were checking each other out. finally,i walked back into the house.
after 10-15 minutes,when things were calm again outside, i looked out the window and could see that he had come down from the tree and was eating the chicken. it was pretty amazing witnessing this, and it was also interesting to notice my reactions (ranging from feeling sorry for the chicken to admiration for the hawk) and to realize that it doesn't matter how i feel or react, because things will simply take the course they must take.
by the time ed came home, there was still some chicken left, but the hawk had left. we left the chicken out there overnight, assuming that a fox or coyote would come and take it away. it was gone this morning, so something did come, but it was hard to tell what bc the snow is hard and there are no tracks.
so out of 6 chickens, we only have 2 left. besides the one we lost yesterday, we lso had 3 killed by a fisher cat a month or so ago. i guess we'll keep the last 2 in the coop for a while, esp with all the hawks around. but they don't really like being in there for too long, they like roaming and pecking at things outside. so they'll be out again soon, and we'll just have to hope for the best.
today, as i pulled out of the driveway, i saw a beautiful red-tailed-hawked perched in the bare branches of a tree. i recognized this beautiful bird as the same i saw about a week ago, in the same spot. that time, i was with my friend jennifer and our kids, and when i stopped the car to get a better look, the hawk flew away. today though, i was alone, so i stopped the car as quitely as possible, and sat in stillness, looking at him. it was only a few moments, but i felt very lucky to be in his presence. i tried to open the window so i could be closer to him, but when i did that, i saw him shift on his feet, then slowly open his wings and fly away. he swept slowly overhead, as if he wanted me to have a good look at him. definitely a large bird, probably over 1 ft tall and maybe 4 ft full wingspan, his tail a deep rust color. i followed him as far as i colud with my eyes, as he flew over the field and into the woods.
i've been in somewhat of a slump since nap-time yesterday, feeling sad and a little hopeless; but seeing him washed me clean. there was so powerful a presence about him.
actually, i often noticed that just as i get overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions, something unexpected happens, and i feel alright again.
like i'll see the hawk, or i'll sit under the tree in front of our house on a dark, foggy night and listen to the deer snorting in the field, and the wind creaking through the branches, and somehow, i end up feeling that everything is ok, and i'm renewed.
a few hours later....
as i pulled in the driveway, i could see the red-tailed hawk in the same tree he had been sitting in earlier. as soon as i got onto the driveway though, he flew away, over my neighbor's house and into the woods.
i drove to the house, parked the car and walked over to the mailbox. i must've been in a haze, because i didn't notice anything; so i was really surpsised, when all of a sudden, another, smaller hawk flew up right in front of me, off the ground and up into a tree. he was so close to me, i was obviously disturbing him, and when i looked, i saw from what - he was eating one of our chickens, whcih he must've killed not long before i got there. i could see that he has struck the chicken on the side of her neck. she had a deep gash there, but the rest of her body was intact.
now the hawk was perched in a tree right above me, obviously waiting for me to get out of there, so he could finish his meal. i felt sorry for our chicken, but also somewhat fascinated by what was going on. i checked to see if any other chickens were killed, and i found the remaining 2 hidden in the bushes. i genltly picked them up and put them in their coop. i think they feel safe in there. when i came back to where the dead chiclen was, the hawk was still up in the tree, waiting. i thought that i should just go in the house and let him finish the chicken undisturbed. but i wanted to have a good look at him first. it was a different hawk than the one i had seen earlier. much smaller, even smaller than the chicken it had just killed. it also had different markings. after looking it up in the bird book, ed and i think it's a cooper hawk. i stood by the tree for a while, looking at the hawk, who was cocking his head from side to side looking at me. we were checking each other out. finally,i walked back into the house.
after 10-15 minutes,when things were calm again outside, i looked out the window and could see that he had come down from the tree and was eating the chicken. it was pretty amazing witnessing this, and it was also interesting to notice my reactions (ranging from feeling sorry for the chicken to admiration for the hawk) and to realize that it doesn't matter how i feel or react, because things will simply take the course they must take.
by the time ed came home, there was still some chicken left, but the hawk had left. we left the chicken out there overnight, assuming that a fox or coyote would come and take it away. it was gone this morning, so something did come, but it was hard to tell what bc the snow is hard and there are no tracks.
so out of 6 chickens, we only have 2 left. besides the one we lost yesterday, we lso had 3 killed by a fisher cat a month or so ago. i guess we'll keep the last 2 in the coop for a while, esp with all the hawks around. but they don't really like being in there for too long, they like roaming and pecking at things outside. so they'll be out again soon, and we'll just have to hope for the best.
(the pictures above are of the hawk perched in the tree and of him eating the chicken).
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
recent pictures of Sena and Aiyana
this is what brushing your teeth while hugging looks like. aiyana kept saiyng "buggy, buggy" in her little loving voice, and hugging sena with all her might...they were so cute, i just had to bring out the camera.
this is another picture taken before bedtime (they seem to get so hyper at that time)
sena's been making some pretty amazing paintings ever since she started painting. she's got a very unique style, which i'm ashamed to admit, i have (unsuccessfully) tried to imitate...
this is grandpa and the girls. he loves them so much, and they always have fun together.
this is another picture taken before bedtime (they seem to get so hyper at that time)
sena's been making some pretty amazing paintings ever since she started painting. she's got a very unique style, which i'm ashamed to admit, i have (unsuccessfully) tried to imitate...
this is grandpa and the girls. he loves them so much, and they always have fun together.
Happy New Year
(mon dec 31st)
ed just took the kids to the store to buy sena goggles. she got some cash for her bday, and she's really excited to be able to buy something for herself; what she wants at the moment is goggles.
so i'm home alone.
as soon as they left i put on some music and started dancing. i got some new cd's at christmas: bruce springsteen's "magic", "eddie vedder's "into the wild", and lhasa's "the living road". i put them on and let myself move, and soon i felt like myself again. i think that i spun off my center in the past couple of weeks with everything going on. i've been feeling empty, but with the music and dancing i'm feeling connected again.
i also really need to go outside, it looks so beautiful, and i haven't been in a while; at least not in a way that i was able to appreciate.
today is new year's eve, and we're not doing anything special. but i find it fun to think a little about the past year, and about the one to come. the past year already seems like a blur. i can't think of any specifics, but generally i have a very good feeling about it. i've enjoyed being home with the kids, and i have to say that not for a second did i regret my decision to quit my job. that much is clear.
something else i feel when thinking about the past year (and i guess about the past in general) is a certain richness. richness in terms of what i've experienced, what life brought me across.
in thinking of the future, of the coming year, i can't say that i have any particular goals or aspirations. i really think that i'll be content to just be doing what i've been doing so far. nothing stands out as something to accomplish. unless you count getting through each day with some kind of grace and awareness...
even though my days are more or less the same when seen from a certain perspective, at the same time, they contain such a multitude of experience, especially if you think of how different the experice of each season, each day, each mood, etc. can be. so my hope is to be there for that, to be awake through each changing moment and to accept, ot even welcome, whatever experience it brings me.
speaking about experience - i've been asking myself, how can i welcome difficult experiences? and i'm not necessarily referring to dealing with some personal problem; sometimes relating to other people's suffering, past or present, can also be very painful. this happened recently when i read the book "black elk speaks". i wanted very much to keep reading it, yet at the same time, each time i did, i felt so sad and depressed, and even angry, that it took me a while to come out of it and be effective in my daily activities again.
i think that this happens to many people, especially as we're all constantly exposed to so much violence and suffering through the media. so one question that came up at one of our women's circle was "how do we deal with this onslaught of suffering and destruction we see, hear, read about, etc., and still maintain our sensitivity and compassion?". one friend had a suggestion which i find very useful.
in essence, what she said is that she lets in only as much bad news as will alow her heart to open a little wider; only that much, and no more. so for example, if you're sitting in front of the TV and you're listening to how people are suffering because of war, natural disaster, ignorance, and on and on, are you just sitting there totally detached, not letting any of it touch you? or are you so overwhelmed with grief that you feel despondent? (this is usually me). what my friend is saying is that it's up to you to figure out when you had enough. so that you can still feel some compassion, and still be able to take some kind of positive action, instead of feeling numb, detached, powerless, or anything along those lines.
i think i'll end this here and go for a walk.
Happy New Year and Peace!
ed just took the kids to the store to buy sena goggles. she got some cash for her bday, and she's really excited to be able to buy something for herself; what she wants at the moment is goggles.
so i'm home alone.
as soon as they left i put on some music and started dancing. i got some new cd's at christmas: bruce springsteen's "magic", "eddie vedder's "into the wild", and lhasa's "the living road". i put them on and let myself move, and soon i felt like myself again. i think that i spun off my center in the past couple of weeks with everything going on. i've been feeling empty, but with the music and dancing i'm feeling connected again.
i also really need to go outside, it looks so beautiful, and i haven't been in a while; at least not in a way that i was able to appreciate.
today is new year's eve, and we're not doing anything special. but i find it fun to think a little about the past year, and about the one to come. the past year already seems like a blur. i can't think of any specifics, but generally i have a very good feeling about it. i've enjoyed being home with the kids, and i have to say that not for a second did i regret my decision to quit my job. that much is clear.
something else i feel when thinking about the past year (and i guess about the past in general) is a certain richness. richness in terms of what i've experienced, what life brought me across.
in thinking of the future, of the coming year, i can't say that i have any particular goals or aspirations. i really think that i'll be content to just be doing what i've been doing so far. nothing stands out as something to accomplish. unless you count getting through each day with some kind of grace and awareness...
even though my days are more or less the same when seen from a certain perspective, at the same time, they contain such a multitude of experience, especially if you think of how different the experice of each season, each day, each mood, etc. can be. so my hope is to be there for that, to be awake through each changing moment and to accept, ot even welcome, whatever experience it brings me.
speaking about experience - i've been asking myself, how can i welcome difficult experiences? and i'm not necessarily referring to dealing with some personal problem; sometimes relating to other people's suffering, past or present, can also be very painful. this happened recently when i read the book "black elk speaks". i wanted very much to keep reading it, yet at the same time, each time i did, i felt so sad and depressed, and even angry, that it took me a while to come out of it and be effective in my daily activities again.
i think that this happens to many people, especially as we're all constantly exposed to so much violence and suffering through the media. so one question that came up at one of our women's circle was "how do we deal with this onslaught of suffering and destruction we see, hear, read about, etc., and still maintain our sensitivity and compassion?". one friend had a suggestion which i find very useful.
in essence, what she said is that she lets in only as much bad news as will alow her heart to open a little wider; only that much, and no more. so for example, if you're sitting in front of the TV and you're listening to how people are suffering because of war, natural disaster, ignorance, and on and on, are you just sitting there totally detached, not letting any of it touch you? or are you so overwhelmed with grief that you feel despondent? (this is usually me). what my friend is saying is that it's up to you to figure out when you had enough. so that you can still feel some compassion, and still be able to take some kind of positive action, instead of feeling numb, detached, powerless, or anything along those lines.
i think i'll end this here and go for a walk.
Happy New Year and Peace!
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