food from the garden

ed and shandra (our neighbor) started a garden this past spring. they planted a bunch of veges and put an 8ft-tall fence all around to keep the deer, groundhog, chickens, and anyone else who may have wanted to come in, out.

the garden has done really well, and as a result we've been eating some amazing food. i can't tell you how good it feels to cook and eat veges we just pulled out of the ground: onions, summer squash, beans, peas, parsley, etc.

there's something magical in seeing a perfect squash, for example, that sprung out of dirt and seeds - out of nothing it seems. my body is very grateful for it too. i can definitely see the connection between what i eat and how i feel right now. i've been feeling so great over the past few weeks, healthy and energetic, and i really think it has a lot to do with what i've been eating.

the other day i made a kick-ass curry with all kinds of veges from the garden; then i made some pesto that i eat as a snack on crackers or whatever; we've also been eating all kinds of berries, some of which grow all around our house.

i never realized how much fun having a garden and growing your own food can be! not to mention cheap...we've been saving quite a bit over the past few weeks.

so i am especially grateful to ed and shandra for all their work in growing this beautiful food!

happy eating!
yum!

god

i think that god must be lonely. how could she not be, knowing everything she does, seeig throught this foolishnes that keeps the rest of us blind?
but, of course, god must be beyond loneliness. although, i admit i can't imagine what that's like, being beyond loneliness, being complete onto oneself.

i imagine god as an incredibly creative, and playful being. maybe that's why it feel so good when we're like that too.

when it comes to love, i think god is at her most extravagant. i think she invented all these different kinds of love, she made everything possible, just for the fun of it. i have a feeling that she really likes the bittersweet part of love; the longing, the yearning; the stuff that we keep trying to straighten out within ourselves but never quite seem to be able to.

when it comes to love, she made pain, beauty, intimacy and separation come together; and we're so silly, we keep trying to untangle them, wishing for only some, not the others. not realizing that if you take some away, the whole thing will fall apart.

god put her most precious stuff into the most minute, most accessible and most easily overlooked details of our lives. just for the fun of it. just to see how long it would take us to discover what's been right here all along.

she put her best stuff into the dirt of our existence, to see how long it would take before we stop trampling all over it in our blind search for something else.

god put her best stuff into things like: fireflies; flowers; clouds; rivers; children's smiles; tears; a blade of grass; the sound of a heartbeat; each breath we take.

god is a small white caterpillar crawling on a luscious, green leaf. i could tell as soon as i saw her.

at the beach

last week, my sister and i loaded the kids in the car and headed to the beach. we left on wednesday morning and came back thursday afternoon. we stayed with ed's mom, in her comfortable (yet spotless) house; aiyana peed in bed that night, something she never does at home, and i was pretty mortified...but, oh well, i guess that's what exhaustion and drinking a lot of water will do....

the weather wasn't what you'd normally associate with beach going. on wednesday, it was foggy and rained all day. it was still warm though.
so what do you do when it's a rainy day at the beach? you jump into the ocean, of course. then the rain won't matter. that's what we did, anyway, and it was kind of nice.we had the whole beach to ourselves, and the waves were big, and the kids were crazy jumping in while clinging to us with all their might. we all got drenched down to our underware, and it made no difference that we were wearing our raincoats. if it weren't for the kids and their energy, we probably would've had a miserable time in the rain; but fortunately, their enthusiasm and their capacity for having fun is so great that it swept us right along into their experience.

on wed night, my sister and i went to the beach again, and we only brought julia w us. my kids stayed home with ed's mom. something about being on the beach on a foggy evening made me feel very peaceful. i sat on the wet sand next to my sister, and just looked out to the ocean. the mist made it hard to see very far, and big waves were crashing on the shore in front of us; it looked as if they were coming out of nowhere. there was a quality of the unkown all around me, and it felt soothing and very natural.

the next morning was clear early on, but the mist returned, so that by the time we made it to the beach, the visibility was pretty low. but at least it wasn't raining. the beach was packed this time, but we found a spot for our towel, and spent a couple of hours playing in the water and in the sand. the kids were loving the waves, and were getting bold, going out farther and farther until a wave would crash over them and then they'd run back screaming.

while we were jumping in the waves, i noticed a couple standing in the water not too far from us. they were elderly, maybe in their 60's or 70's. they didn't look too healthy - both were very overweight, esp. the woman, so that they were having a hard time moving around; the man seemed to have something else going on, he was walking kind of stooped over; his teeth were very yellow. they stood in the water holding hands as the waves crashed over them. what attracted me to them was their smiles. only children smile like that.

this couple seemed to be in their own world, their faces shining with joy at the simple pleasure of being in the water. they were holding on to each other for dear life, and seemed oblivious to everything (their physical difficulties, other people, etc.), except their immediate experience. i was moved looking at them; they looked silly, maybe, but they just seemed so open and vulnerable standing there holding on to each other with those silly grins on their faces. i felt more connected to them at that moment than to anyone else around me.

when they came out of the water, still holding hands, they smiled at me and i told them that they looked really cute. what i really wanted to say is "thank you for giving me this memory", but i thoughht that would be too weird, so i settled for something more tame and lame, and a smile.

peace

more recent pics

ed, sena and aiyana, sharing some black raspberries they picked (this picture was taken in the evening; i love the quality of the light as the sun begins to set over the field in front of our house);
sena, preparing for her big jump,
and finally doing it;
and the last picture is of joyce's beautiful hybiscus.

our trip to the beach

these were in Rhode Island, last week:
joyce (ed's mom), roxi and the girls, soaked by rain and playing in the ocean;
julia, playing on the beach in the evening;
aiyana enjoying the heat of the sand;
and,
roxi with julia.

the new pill

my sister sent me an article about a new birth control pill approved by the FDA (called Lybrel i think), which will supress women's periods. so you know what i'll say about that, right? i am very predictable that way, or maybe i should say reliable in my responses, that sounds better.

i think it's crazy!
women have periods because...we're women. it's that simple. don't let some marketing man or woman persuade you that your period is too painful, inconvenient, smelly, disgusting or any of that. your period is part of who you are, a healthy, beautiful, woman.

maybe next time i have my period, i'll dress all in red, blood red from head to toe. i'm tired of apologizing for my body.

that's my take. i have very little respect for the US medical establishment and pharmaceutical industry (with some exception, like ER and trauma treatment).

i'd better stay off this topic, it brings out too much anger in me, and you can't be too wound up if you want to be credible, right?
whatever...

more whitman

Not Heaving From My Ribb'd Breast Only
by Walt Whitman


NOT heaving from my ribb'd breast only;
Not in sighs at night, in rage, dissatisfied with myself;
Not in those long-drawn, ill-supprest sighs;
Not in many an oath and promise broken;
Not in my wilful and savage soul's volition;
Not in the subtle nourishment of the air;
Not in this beating and pounding at my temples and wrists;
Not in the curious systole and diastole within, which will one day
cease;
Not in many a hungry wish, told to the skies only;
Not in cries, laughter, defiances, thrown from me when alone, far in
the wilds; 10
Not in husky pantings through clench'd teeth;
Not in sounded and resounded words--chattering words, echoes, dead
words;
Not in the murmurs of my dreams while I sleep,
Nor the other murmurs of these incredible dreams of every day;
Nor in the limbs and senses of my body, that take you and dismiss you
continually--Not there;
Not in any or all of them, O adhesiveness! O pulse of my life!
Need I that you exist and show yourself, any more than in these
songs.

saturday morning

last saturday, i had a interesting and almost scary experience.

i went to the cafe in the morning, for my two hours alone. as usual, i sat and drank my coffee and read. i'm still not sure what it was, probably a combination of coffee, excellent reading (whitman's Leaves of Grass and osho's The Book of Secrets), a gorgeous day, and me feeling particularly vulnerable and open; but when the time came for me to leave and go home, i felt very strange and otherwordly; i felt on the verge of something; like i was either about to fall down or take off in flight.

i didn't care in the least what would happen to me, i just felt light and extatic. you know that story you heard about the guy who's high on some drug and feels that he can fly and ends up jumping from a window. i felt like that, but no window to jump from. i just felt that light and unbounded.

when i got home, ed and the kids were gone. they were out picking blueberries. so i lay on the couch and just closed my eyes. my body was so light, that i felt disconnected form it, in a good way. i thought, when i am like this, nothing can hurt me. how can anything hurt me when everything is part of me and i am part of it?

matt showed up with a coffee, but i told him i had had enough for the day. i tried to describe to him how i felt, almost excusing myself for it bc i thought it may have seemed weird. he left, and i was relieved to be alone again.

i decided that i needed to ground myself back into my body somehow. so i put on some music. some putumayo world stuff. it was perfect. still with my eyes closed, i let my body move. i felt like the music was carrying me, and the movement was effortless. i though - this is what dancing is, i've never experienced it like this before. i could feel my bare feet touching the floor, and a soft breeze from outside wash over me. i was finally grounding back into my body, and it was nice. after some time, i felt less light headed and more physically present; but my dancing also lost its effortlessness, and now i was trying to control the movement.

eventually i came back to "normal" enough to start thinking of doing laundry and other stuff around the house. but i found myself exhausted. it made me think of what i read about trance. how the person who goes into trance is so intensely involved in their experience that at the end they fall down unconscious. my experience certaily did not go to that extent, but whatever it was, i felt that it left me physically and emotionally drained. if i had the choice, i would've gone into a deep sleep. but i knew that ed and the kids would soon be home, and they were (with lots of delicious blueberries, mmmm).

i thought about this experience over the following days. i found that other that its memory, and maybe a little more openness, it hasn't left me much. oh, except for this, which i wrote as i was going through it:

when i am blown away like this,
i feel like i am dying.
my body limp, my insides ravaged, free,
flying away.

i need to speak, but i cannot
express all that i feel.
i reach out clumsy, groping
i need to tell you about this,
to show you how i feel.

i feel more connected to everything,
and more alone than ever.

i close my eyes
and let whatever be.
i need connection, understanding,
some form of confirmation.

in opening my eyes,
first thing i see:
leaves on the old apple tree,
outside the window.

they, i know, do understand me,
blowing there in the wind,
i see them and finally feel
....relief.

walt whitman

i read this to myself out loud. it blew me away. made me want to dance and kiss everyone, scream be crazy:

To You
By Walt Whitman
1819-1892

Whoever you are, I fear you are walking the walks of dreams,
I fear these supposed realities are to melt from under your feet and hands,
Even now your features, joys, speech, house, trade, manners,
troubles, follies, costume, crimes, dissipate away from you,
Your true soul and body appear before me.
They stand forth out of affairs, out of commerce, shops, work,
farms, clothes, the house, buying, selling, eating, drinking,
suffering, dying.

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem,
I whisper with my lips close to your ear.
I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.

O I have been dilatory and dumb,
I should have made my way straight to you long ago,
I should have blabb'd nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing
but you.

I will leave all and come and make the hymns of you,
None has understood you, but I understand you,
None has done justice to you, you have not done justice to yourself,
None but has found you imperfect, I only find no imperfection in you,
None but would subordinate you, I only am he who will never consent
to subordinate you,
I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, God,
beyond what waits intrinsically in yourself.

Painters have painted their swarming groups and the centre-figure of all,
From the head of the centre-figure spreading a nimbus of gold-color'd light,
But I paint myriads of heads, but paint no head without its nimbus
of gold-color'd light,
From my hand from the brain of every man and woman it streams,
effulgently flowing forever.

O I could sing such grandeurs and glories about you!
You have not known what you are, you have slumber'd upon yourself
all your life,
Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,
What you have done returns already in mockeries,
(Your thrift, knowledge, prayers, if they do not return in
mockeries, what is their return?)

The mockeries are not you,
Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,
I pursue you where none else has pursued you,
Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the
accustom'd routine, if these conceal you from others or from
yourself, they do not conceal you from me,
The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these
balk others they do not balk me,
The pert apparel, the deform'd attitude, drunkenness, greed,
premature death, all these I part aside.

There is no endowment in man or woman that is not tallied in you,
There is no virtue, no beauty in man or woman, but as good is in you,
No pluck, no endurance in others, but as good is in you,
No pleasure waiting for others, but an equal pleasure waits for you.

As for me, I give nothing to any one except I give the like carefully
to you,
I sing the songs of the glory of none, not God, sooner than I sing
the songs of the glory of you.

Whoever you are! claim your own at any hazard!
These shows of the East and West are tame compared to you,
These immense meadows, these interminable rivers, you are immense
and interminable as they,
These furies, elements, storms, motions of Nature, throes of apparent
dissolution, you are he or she who is master or mistress over them,
Master or mistress in your own right over Nature, elements, pain,
passion, dissolution.

The hopples fall from your ankles, you find an unfailing sufficiency,
Old or young, male or female, rude, low, rejected by the rest,
whatever you are promulges itself,
Through birth, life, death, burial, the means are provided, nothing
is scanted,
Through angers, losses, ambition, ignorance, ennui, what you are
picks its way.

books

lately, i've been trying to stay away from books that tell me how to do things: how to do yoga, how to paint, how to be healthy, how to be happy, etc., because they often make me feel stifled. they literaly make it me feel out of breath, maybe bc i'm putting so much pressure on myself to conform to the "ideal" they present. often, these kinds of books describe their particular way of doing / being and something inside me rebels, knowing that there's more to life that that.

but,
yesterday i saw this book at thomasyn's house, a book i had heard and read about. it's called "writing down the bones", by natalie goldberg. it's abut writing. i borrowed it and have been reading it and have to say that it's not making me feel bad at all. i actually find it very inspiring and refreshing. she has a very generous, open perspective on writng, and she passes no judgements. i feel that more that telling you how to write or what "good" writing is, she just talks about her experience, about how her life and writing draw on each other. so far, much of what she writes, and also how she writes, resonates with me. so i find myself inspired and empowered by her book, rather than passing judgements on myself and comparing myself to someone i'm not. her writing is simple and, i guess i'd call it universal, in the sense that it applies to antyhing, any endeavor one may chose to pursue, not only
writing. so if you're moved by this in any way, i definitely recommend checking out her book.

my 3 hours

i'm feeling really good right now. my sister has my kids and i have 3 hrs to myself. it's gorgeous outside, and i'm having chocolate and coffee. i have my books, my journal and my laptop. i can go hiking if i want or i can just sit here at the cafe doing nothing. i love it. i have to admit that scarcity of time is very good for me, in the sense that it makes my time alone so precious. whatever i end up doing, it could be the most trivial thing, i end up enjoying it so much and my time is always so sweet....

so my sister and i started this thing, where i take her daughter Julia on mondays, and she takes my kids on thursdays. i'm watching julia bc my sister is going to be returning to work in september, so she will need one day of care per week, so i offered to do it; and she, in return takes my kids one day, so i get a break. i like this arrangement a lot - hopefuly it will work out really well for everyone.

i love doing these things where we help each other - it's the feeling of community i always longed for. yesterday for example, a bunch of us went over to my friend's thomasyn's house and helped her paint her house. we were about 6 women total, all with kids. we had one or two women watching the kids and the rest of us painted. everyone brought some food, so we had a feast for lunch; the kids had fun, and thomasyn got a lot more done than if she were working alone. we want to take turns doing this for whoever needs to get something done. it just feels so good to help and be helped, and working together is usually a lot more fun than being alone and trying to get things done with the kids crying for attention. painting yeterday kind of inspired me to maybe do something in my bedroom. i was thinking of painting one or two walls a rich warm shade of orangish-brown, and the rest a bright shade of vanilla. i think those colors would make me feel good. i've been really drawn to shades of brown, deep red, maroon, all of that. so maybe i'll do something with my room now that i'm inspired.

my garden, by the way, is doing amazing. wow, the flowers really took off with the combination of heat and rain we've had. unfortunately the herbs and some of the flowers got eaten by my friend the groundhog. i was a little disappointed - the basil was doing so well, and i was really looking fwd to some pesto; the sunflowers were growing well too but all of them got chomped the cosmos. but i can't blame the groundhog, it was too tempting for him, so at least i hope he got to enjoy whatever he ate. i'm still grateful for the flowers he did leave, the petunias, zinias, and others whose name i do not know. they're blooming very beautifuly just now.

speaking of being grateful, i want to share this little thing with you.
the kids, ed and i, got into doing this little ritual around meal time. we don't do it every day, only when someone feels inspired to suggest it. usually one of the kids will start. so we all hold hands and take turns saying something that we're grateful for. usually it's really small things, immediate things, close to our everyday experience; so i'll say, for example, that i'm grateful for a walk we had during the day, or about the fireflies in the field at night, or about the kale we just picked from the garden; sena usually says she's grateful for some item of food we're eating, like peas or berries; aiyana invariably says someone's name when her turn comes - like she'll say mama, dada or grapka, which stands for any one of the 4 grandparents; and ed is usually grateful for some moment of peace and quiet that happened during the day. i really like doing this for many reasons; one of the main reasons being that even when things are crappy between us, and we're in a negative or stressed out frame of mind, saying what we're grateful for turns things around, leaving us in a happier place.

most people think that this is a religious practice, and i want to say that it's not. i guess it can be, but we're not doing it like that. we just do it when we feel moved to, because it makes us feel more connected to each other, and because it brings the blissful parts of our lives to the forefront.

so it's getting a little busy at the cafe. i feel like hanging out by the river for a while, so i'll head over there. got some walt whitman with me, can't wait to read it.

peace

i had a pretty hard weekend, mostly due to lack of sleep. aiyana's going through some developmental changes (i am told) and she is really needy at night, so if i get 2hrs of straight sleep i consider myself lucky. this has been going on for about a week now, and it hit me the hardest on the weekend. just felt groggy and lacking energy and hot and hungry. i also felt like i just couldn't keep up with all the stuff that needed to be done: cooking, laundry, all of that. i hate to have to go out and eat bc there's no cooked food at home, but this weekend i was going to do it had i had more energy.

this morning i woke up feeling so much better though... totally new perspective after getting a little more rest last night. cooked a nice breakfast, then Matt, my coffee angel and neighbor, brought over a cup, so i knew i was in for a good morning.
we'll see what the rest of the week looks like...

peace

4th of july pictures

some thoughts i had this morning

lately, i find my thinking falls almost in 2 distinct categories: linear, and non-linear. the linear is what i do most of the time, to conduct my day-to-day life. it's mostly logical. the non-linear comes at unexpected moments, like when i'm driving the car and a thought comes out of nowhere catching me by surprise. the non-linear is a lot more fun for me. it's also easily forgotten. one minute, i'll have a thought that seems to be a real insight, making all kinds of things fall together in a fresh way, giving me a new understanding; i'm thinking it, and will myself to remember it; yet, unless i write it down, which i seldom do, i promptly forget it. which always makes me feel like...what a shame!

i also have these non-linear thoughts just before i fall asleep, or just after i wake up. that's when they mostly occur, in that liminal time, when things seem suspended between sleep and wakefulness. i love those times.

this morning, for example, i was just lying in bed trying not to move and wake up the kids. i was enjoying being the only one awake to the the peace and silence of the morning, when out of nowhere it occured to me that education, as i've known it, is mostly a form of social control. i realized that that is its primary goal, and any learning that takes place is just a by-product, accidental if at all. drawing on my own experience, i lay there and asked myself some questions: what was the point of all those years school i've gone through? knowing the huge capacity for learning and creativity that children have, it's obvious to me that i could've learnt everything i did in my early years of school much faster that i actually did, had i been placed in an environment that provided adequate resources, such as a caring person and a minimum of materials. instead, what i mostly learned in school was how to find my place in the hyerarchy of teachers and classmates. i know a lot of people that will say that school, esp. in the early years, is important for providing social skills to children. but how have the social skills that i learnt from my experience served me in my adult years? i can't say that they didn't serve me at all, but it's clear to me now that in trying to be a caring, compassionate woman with a healthy sense of self, i've had to try very hard and discard most of my social conditioning from school (which mostly taught me the values of competition, ambition, comparing myself to others, etc.).

my university education did prove useful, in that it prepared me for a job. but i don't really consider that lerning. it's just aquiring skills for a job. i alo don't think that it required as long as it took to get my engineering degree. most of the stuff i learnt in my batchelors', i never used in the workplace, and i forgot it by now. i am convinced that my job as an "aerospace angineer" (which sounded so impressive to most people) only required a few months of on-the-job training, not an elaborate degree. i guess engineering school did teach me how to think logically through a problem, which is an important skill that i apply throughout my life (believe it or not) not only in my job.

what i'm trying to say, and it's not coming out very well, is that schooling is more about molding kids in ways that they best fit into the fabric of society, as opposed to supporting their growth as creative, unique individuals.

the best use for school i can see right now is as a springboard for further exploration. this is how i used my anthropology degree, and that's why i enjoyed it the most. i loved the material that i came accross while studying anthro, but with time i also came to realize that the limitations present in other studies apply here as well; they are inherent to the institution of formal education. i realized that if i wanted to make anthro my career, or even if i wanted to pursue a PhD, i would have to shape my ideas and interests to fit into what is considered acceptable in academia. i'd have to study and publish topics that receive funding, and that is key. i'd have to find a way to fit into the academic hyerarchy of TA's, professors, researchers, etc.

once i'd had a taste of anthro and discovered that i really liked it, i decided that the best way to learn more is on my own, maybe with the support of a handful of gifted people. of course i also had my children around the time that these thoughts were going through my head, so quitting academics became a necessity rather than an option.

all this to say what? to say that when i see how gifted and amazing kids are (in terms of who they are, their views and their responses to life,their creativity, etc.), it makes me cringe to think of sending them to school. i can see a lot of people responding to this by labeling me crazy, or whatever. but it's how i feel, based on my own experience. i don't know what the best thing to do is, and fortunately i still have a few years before having to decide in regards to my own kids. ideally, i'd love to be able to support them in pursuing that which they're most drawn to. i'd love to be a resource that they can count on and draw upon, and i'd love to be able to find other resources as well, whether they be formal classes, people in the community, special programs, travelling, or whatever. life is so full of opportunities for learning and for fun! i'm also very drawn to the idea of learning and exploring alongside my kids and their friends. already, it's so much fun for me when we paint, when we go check out the fireflies in the field at night, or when we discover a city together. there's no question for me that the best learning i've done so far has been in real life situations along people who cared about me.

i guess i've said enough about this, and i realize that i've said nothing much. I haven’t even asked , regarding education, “what is the relative value of learning vs making money?”
i’ve only written a few disjointed thoughts. but i will stop here anyway.

peace