it seems to me that the harder things get, the lighter i feel. not right away, but eventually.
things have been pretty rough lately, in many ways.
physically - the lack of sleep, having only 2 arms, etc.
emotionally - dealing with my new responsibilities to my kids, my lack of time for myself, etc.
spiritually - being compassionate twds myself and others.
this last one is especially hard. i find it the hardest to be compassionate twds those closest to me. like when i'm tired and overwhelmed, and i can see ed feeling that way too, i tend to want to blame him for not helping me instead of trying to be there for him. all he wants is a hug, usually. not that the hug would resolve everything or take away his problems. it's not that easy. but a hug would tell him i care. he should know that anyway, i tell myself. but why do i find it so hard to give him a hug just at that moment? why is it so much easier to feel frustrated twds him instead, and sorry for myself at the same time?
same thing with my parents. my relationship w them provides a real test of my beliefs / ideals. i can think all these lofty thoughts about peace and love, yet when it comes to my parents it's so easy to have things disintegrate into anger and frustration. total lack of communicatin. blaming each other. resentment.
my mother tries to help with the kids. she comes all the way here from montreal. yet last time she came, we had a few tiffs and she had to go back to montreal crying. i felt really bad about that. what kind of person would do that? why can't i be mature enough to hold back the hurtful things. i know what i'm doing to hurt her, why can't i stop it? sounds so easy, seems so easy when i sit and think about it - yet years of entrenched behavior make it much harder in practice.
well, my mom's back. trying to help again. we had a talk. i think we're both feeling better for it. all that pain and all the stuff that had built up inside feels released - and i am much lighter for it. i know this is not a one time lesson. i'll have to relearn it again and again, i am sure. i'll over-react again, hurt her again, as she will hurt me again. but i hope we can both remember that the bridge between us is beyond what we say, beyond what we agree and disagree with. it's in the fact that when i see her crying i automatically feel like crying too. and it's even beyond that. maybe more in the fact that we both get upset, we both forgive, we're both perfect imperfect human beings, as is everyone else.
peace
raluca
Friday, December 30, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
writing...
I found a couple of interesting pieces on writing, and since I know that at least one good friend is interested in writing, I decided to share them. I found the first one in “The Sun”, Sept 2005 issue, and it appears in the back on p47. The author is Sy Safransky:
“In college I was a political-science major who never took a creative-writing class. I went to graduate school to study journalism not because I wanted to be a writer but because I wanted to change the world. I didn’t even start to write poetry or keep a journal until I was in my midtwenties. That’s when I saw the earth breathe, and discovered that everything was alive, and realized that if I wanted to report the biggest story of all – to describe not just the facts but the truth – I’d need to learn how to use a living, breathing language. Even after all these years, though, I’m hardly confident of my craft. And let’s face it: my inner critic is not my biggest fan. Each time I start a new essay, I have to remind myself I don’t write an essay by writing an essay. I write by putting down sentence after sentence, good sentences and bad sentences, handsome sentences and homely sentences. If the words are alive, my paragraphs don’t need to show up wearing expensive suits and ties of Italian silk. Sometimes it helps to remember the poet William Stafford’s advice: “If you don’t like what you’re writing, lower your standards.”
I found the other piece I wanted to share in my notebook “We’Moon ’06: In the spirit of love”, but the original source is Amma, Messages from Amma:
“It’s the amount of love, of heart,
you pour into your work
that determines how beautiful
and meaningful it will be.”
Peace and health to you in the New Year!!!
“In college I was a political-science major who never took a creative-writing class. I went to graduate school to study journalism not because I wanted to be a writer but because I wanted to change the world. I didn’t even start to write poetry or keep a journal until I was in my midtwenties. That’s when I saw the earth breathe, and discovered that everything was alive, and realized that if I wanted to report the biggest story of all – to describe not just the facts but the truth – I’d need to learn how to use a living, breathing language. Even after all these years, though, I’m hardly confident of my craft. And let’s face it: my inner critic is not my biggest fan. Each time I start a new essay, I have to remind myself I don’t write an essay by writing an essay. I write by putting down sentence after sentence, good sentences and bad sentences, handsome sentences and homely sentences. If the words are alive, my paragraphs don’t need to show up wearing expensive suits and ties of Italian silk. Sometimes it helps to remember the poet William Stafford’s advice: “If you don’t like what you’re writing, lower your standards.”
I found the other piece I wanted to share in my notebook “We’Moon ’06: In the spirit of love”, but the original source is Amma, Messages from Amma:
“It’s the amount of love, of heart,
you pour into your work
that determines how beautiful
and meaningful it will be.”
Peace and health to you in the New Year!!!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Sick (12/21/05)
It’s been a while since I wrote, and I’ve missed it. I started writing a couple of times, but never got too far with it…
So before anything else, I just want to wish everyone Happy Holidays and a peaceful new year. Also, since today is solstice, happy solstice, isn’t it great that the days will be getting longer? Makes me feel so hopeful…
The latest news with me is that I’ve been sick over the past few days. I got a plugged milk duct in my breast, which got infected. I had this before, but this time it was the worst. I read and I’ve been told that the main reason for getting this is lack of adequate rest, which explains why I only got it once with Sena, but I already had it 4 times so far with Aiyana. Good sleep is much harder to get with two kids as compared with just one.
I guess I’ve been wearing myself out a little too much, and I just can’t find the time to recover. I felt really sick on Monday and Tuesday – my whole body ached, like it does when you have a bad flu, my head pounded, and I felt nauseous. I felt so bad that I could not even sleep although that is what I needed most. It kind of knocked me off my feet so I could not do anything. Fortunately Ed was able to take off from work and take care of sena and aiyana. He took them out so I could get some rest. Finally, this morning I woke up feeling much better, although still not 100%, but definitely a lot more positive mentally. The worst part of this whole thing was feeling helpless, guilty and depressed. I felt that I could not handle two kids and that my body was just giving up on me. I just didn’t know what to do and felt overwhelmed and alone. I can definitely understand now why extended families are the norm in so many societies, past and present. having that extra help, someone you trust to help out with the kids, house or whatever once in a while is so important. I’ve had some help from friends and family, but for some reason I still got sick. But I feel much better today, and hopefully I’ll figure out a way so that this does not keep repeating.
Well, I can definitely say that mothering is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, on every level – physically, mentally, emotionally. And on a spiritual level, I guess all I can say is my daughters are my best teachers – they are teaching me to break all kinds of bonds and attachments, which can be extremely hard at times, but I am always grateful for later. Some time ago, a woman told me that when she complained that she could not find any time to practice yoga because of her kids, her teacher said “they are your yoga”. I can fully appreciate what she meant now.
peace
So before anything else, I just want to wish everyone Happy Holidays and a peaceful new year. Also, since today is solstice, happy solstice, isn’t it great that the days will be getting longer? Makes me feel so hopeful…
The latest news with me is that I’ve been sick over the past few days. I got a plugged milk duct in my breast, which got infected. I had this before, but this time it was the worst. I read and I’ve been told that the main reason for getting this is lack of adequate rest, which explains why I only got it once with Sena, but I already had it 4 times so far with Aiyana. Good sleep is much harder to get with two kids as compared with just one.
I guess I’ve been wearing myself out a little too much, and I just can’t find the time to recover. I felt really sick on Monday and Tuesday – my whole body ached, like it does when you have a bad flu, my head pounded, and I felt nauseous. I felt so bad that I could not even sleep although that is what I needed most. It kind of knocked me off my feet so I could not do anything. Fortunately Ed was able to take off from work and take care of sena and aiyana. He took them out so I could get some rest. Finally, this morning I woke up feeling much better, although still not 100%, but definitely a lot more positive mentally. The worst part of this whole thing was feeling helpless, guilty and depressed. I felt that I could not handle two kids and that my body was just giving up on me. I just didn’t know what to do and felt overwhelmed and alone. I can definitely understand now why extended families are the norm in so many societies, past and present. having that extra help, someone you trust to help out with the kids, house or whatever once in a while is so important. I’ve had some help from friends and family, but for some reason I still got sick. But I feel much better today, and hopefully I’ll figure out a way so that this does not keep repeating.
Well, I can definitely say that mothering is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, on every level – physically, mentally, emotionally. And on a spiritual level, I guess all I can say is my daughters are my best teachers – they are teaching me to break all kinds of bonds and attachments, which can be extremely hard at times, but I am always grateful for later. Some time ago, a woman told me that when she complained that she could not find any time to practice yoga because of her kids, her teacher said “they are your yoga”. I can fully appreciate what she meant now.
peace
Thursday, December 22, 2005
peace
without trying to sound pretentions or preachy or anything like that, i just want to take this chance and remind or encourage everyone to work in any way they can towards Peace on Earth. i realize this sounds like a big project, but i mean it in any way that suits people - whether it be by being kind to your family and friends, by having peaceful thoughts and feelings, by engaging in some type of peaceful activism, by sharing with others, by being kind and forgiving to yourself, by laughing instead of striking out, by saying a prayer, or whatever works for you.
this is truly my greatest wish at this time, and i am trying to figure out ways in which i can be a more peaceful person myself, and how i can contribute to peace on a greater scale. i figured that sharing my thoughts with others is one way. being a good mom is another. and there are countless other ways, i am sure.
also, about 2 weeks ago was john lennon's death aniversary. 25 years since he was killed. i heard a documentary on the radio about him. i hadn't realized how much he dreamed and worked for peace. it was inspiring in many ways and sad in some. i'm sure there's some info on it if you check it out on line. the documentary was put together by NPR i believe, but i heard it on the college radiostation in my area (WHUS, university of connecticut).
peace
this is truly my greatest wish at this time, and i am trying to figure out ways in which i can be a more peaceful person myself, and how i can contribute to peace on a greater scale. i figured that sharing my thoughts with others is one way. being a good mom is another. and there are countless other ways, i am sure.
also, about 2 weeks ago was john lennon's death aniversary. 25 years since he was killed. i heard a documentary on the radio about him. i hadn't realized how much he dreamed and worked for peace. it was inspiring in many ways and sad in some. i'm sure there's some info on it if you check it out on line. the documentary was put together by NPR i believe, but i heard it on the college radiostation in my area (WHUS, university of connecticut).
peace
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