Town Council Meeting

Here's a 1 minute video of Sena speaking at the Town Council meeting last night, asking them to ban plastic bags in Mansfield:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=15xx8PwBIQaW5GEuMYQk3uHbhFvIrQ-S8Xw

Peace

Blowing bubbles

My mom had a hard life: brutal childhood, and like most of us, she dealt with plenty of difficulties in adulthood as well. After we moved to Canada, she was diagnosed with depression, which was a result of the unbearable pressure of dealing with a new environment and culture, and dealing with the grief of losing everything she'd known in Romania, including part of her identity. She's been on anti-depressants ever since.

Despite all this, I am moved by the fact that she gets happy and excited like a little kid sometimes. There are these moments that seem like gifts, that all the difficulties have not taken away, and this is one of them. I took a picture of her this morning, at our house in Willington. She was blowing bubbles in the wind. Just because.

She's in Willington right now, spending a few days by herself, because she felt like she needed to get away from Montreal and the winter, and she wanted to be closer to nature. The house is in rough shape, so she's roughing it, with no hot water, and stuff like that. But her voice sounds happy when I talk to her, and she's going out on walks, and feeding birds, and making friends, and blowing bubbles. I love that.

Peace

How?

New life, life is gone

This morning, when I went outside, I saw the snowdrops, fresh out of the ground. They're always the first to come out, the harbingers of new life.

And I also found this little guy, behind the shed. He was killed by a predator last night, and it struck me that here are the two extremes of life, birth and death, and here I am somewhere in between witnessing it. I am always forgetting, taking it all for granted.

Peace

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I guess I never got over the teenage rebellion phase, because I still like to turn up this song when I'm by myself, or with the girls, and scream along with it.

Linkin Park, Numb:

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.
And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you. .....

The witness

Sena's meeting

Sena's meeting with Emily, the representative from Senator Murphy's office, went very well last Friday. She was awarded a certificate of accomplishment, which was a surprise. The certificate says:

"In recognition of your efforts to preserve and protect our environment. Your passionate advocacy on behalf of whales, marine life, and our planet serves as an example to your friends, family, and elected leaders, inspiring others to participate in our shared fight for responsible environmental stewardship. Through mobilizing and engaging your peers, you have helped others learn the importance of protecting our environment and established yourself as a young environmental leader and advocate in your community. Your remarkable efforts bring tremendous pride to the State of Connecticut. It is my privilege to honor you and to represent you in the United States Senate. Senator Chris Murphy".

Peace

Yesterday in the greenhouse

So good to feel the earth again...

Peace

Courage Patience for Transformation

I used to think that if I made a mistake, that was OK, as long as I learned my lesson and did better next time. But often, what I found is that even though I wanted to change, it took me repeated times of dealing with the same situation, making the same "mistake" over and over, before a new way sank in and I learned to deal differently. I felt bad about how long it took me to learn, but then I saw Portia Nelson's autobiography below and I recognized that this is maybe more common than I thought.

Now I think that the trick for change is to learn how to set the right conditions in place so that transformation can occur (for me, what this means is taking care of myself with enough sleep, yoga, a walk in the woods, etc.); and then combine the right amount of courage and patience in dealing with the situation.

peace

From a hike in Austria last fall

Sena meeting with senators

Picasso said: "The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away".

I'm still working on this, but Sena's been doing it since she was 6, with her whale and environmental advocacy, and things have really taken off recently.

Last Saturday, she and the group she founded, CSI Youth Group, had a public event at the Mansfield Library. They showed Sonic Sea, a movie made by NRDC about noise in the ocean and its effects on marine life. A representative from NRDC, Dr. Francine Kirshaw, who is a marine mammal specialist, came all the way from Manhattan, to speak after the movie and answer questions from the audience. (I was lucky and got to spend quite a bit of time with her, as I was the one who drove her to and from the train station in New London).
.
Another great surprise was that CT Senator Mae Flexer showed up during the movie. She spoke to Sena and congratulated her for the event. Sena's now trying to set up a follow-up meeting with her to talk about legislation for taxing plastic bags (which often end up in the ocean, killing whales and other animals).

Today, Sena is meeting with a representative from US Senator Chris Murphy's office. She has three main things to talk about: Commercial shipping, Navy sonar, and Oil/Natural Gas exploration, and how these things impact life in the ocean. Talk about taking on some powerful interests! But, she's young and has time and energy, and passion.

What's really great about all this, is that Sena's still at a point where her interests are pure. She's not tainted by money, power, ego, or anything of that kind. She just really cares about whales, and the environment in general, and has strong views about what's not right, and is doing something about it. She and the rest of CSI Youth Group inspire me so much, and I am grateful to be able to be their driver, their editor, their cook, whatever they need me to be, because these girls are doing it! They're rocking things and I will do everything in my power to support them.

Here's a picture of CSI Youth Group and Dr. Kershaw (far left) taken after Sonic Sea last Saturday. 

Peace

My unreal experience at the dentist

Today, Sena, Aiyana and I had a dentist appointment. All three of us were scheduled for a cleaning at Dr. Steven Lovelace’s office in Manchester, CT. I had been at his office before, and he had worked on my teeth, but this was the first time the girls were coming. 

When we got there, the hygienist met us. She told me I could go in for my cleaning, but I told her I’d like to talk right away about the kind of treatment we want for the girls: no x-rays, and no fluoride, just a bare bones cleaning. She looked at me uncomprehendingly for a moment, then she said “Then why are you here?”. I repeated that I just wanted a simple cleaning for them, using their regular instruments. 

She and I then went to the room where she was going to do my cleaning, and we continued to talk about the girls. She tried to explain to me why they need x-rays and why the fluoride treatment is important. I told her that I had had this explained to me many times by different dentists, and that we did research on it. I said that I understand her point of view, and know that she’s telling me what she thinks is best, but we made a decision as a family, based on the  best information we could find, that we’re not going to do xrays or fluride, and we were going to stick with that. I also explained that in 13 years, Sena had one cavity, and in 11 years, Aiyana had none, so we feel that what we’re doing is working to a large extent and we’d like to continue with our present course. I could tell she did not agree with my choice, but she was respectful nevertheless. It was a bit tense between us, but I felt that if you’re going to disagree with someone, this is the way to do it, in a way that each person feels heard and respected.

Then we started to talk about my teeth. She said the doctor wanted a panoramic xray in order to treat 2 of my teeth that need crowns. I said I was ok with that since the problem cannot be solved without xrays. But I asked if we could, instead of a panoramic, do a local xray of just the teeth that need work. She said she was going to check with the dentist.

She was gone for a long time, and I thought “oh-oh, things are not going well”. I thought she might be upset when returning, that she’s wasting so much time dealing with my questions. When she returned, she was not alone. Dr. Lovelace came with her. He walked in and without any kind of greeting got right to it. He was talking really fast, and was visibly upset. He said that he needs the panoramic, and that just because I am ignorant he can’t risk “getting his ass sued”. He ranted on about this being medical procedure, and I could not get any word in, and neither could the hygienist. Then he turned to the hygienist and said in an authoritative way “Make her sign on the line that she does not want a panoramic”, and started walking out. I got my purse, and said to the hygienist “I am sorry, but I cannot stay when he treats me so disrespectfully”. She said “That’s fine”, and we walked out. 

Dr. Lovelace was walking in front of us, and continuing his angry, aggressive, monolog about the x-rays, and people not knowing what they’re talking about, etc. When we got to the waiting area, he turned and said in a loud, disdainful way: “This is a proper dental office, not some place in Bulgaria” (he must’ve meant Romania). The hygienist, horrified, instantly turned to me and said “I’m sorry”. It didn’t actually hit me what he said, and especially how he said it, in such an arrogant way, until I saw her  reaction. Her eyes got really big, like she was thinking “Oh my god, I can’t believe he just said that”. There were two receptionists at the checkout desk, and a man in the waiting room. All of them witnessed the whole thing and kept their heads down, looking purposefully away from me. Sena and Aiyana were also in the waiting room, witnessing the whole thing, paying close attention.

After saying the thing about Bulgaria, Dr. Lovelace walked away without waiting for a reply or comment. I felt a weird mix of emotion: on one hand, I was shaken by being insulted and disrespected in such a cowardly way, especially in front of my children. On the other hand I felt very calm, and not at all intimidated by him.

The hygienist and two ladies at the checkout desk were the only people I could respond to, but I knew that although he was in a different room, he could still hear me. I said something like “Wow, you guys, good example your office is setting on being racist and disrespectful towards your patients”.  I said that I knew other patients of theirs, and I was going to share with them the racist and disrespectful way in which I had been treated. The hygienist said again “I’m sorry”, and “I apologize”, and I told her she’s not the one who should be sorry, he is. I could tell she was feeling bad about the whole thing.

The girls and I left, and I felt shaky. I don’t remember the last time I was insulted and demeaned in such an open way. But I also felt strangely empowered. I felt glad that I hadn’t resorted to insulting him back, or that I hadn’t just quietly walked out of the office and pretend nothing happened, only to deal with the whole thing later quietly on my own. Partly because I had the girls there, and partly because I was not intimidated by him, I had to speak up. I was glad that I said what I felt was wrong with the situation in a calm, dignified way (at least as much as I could muster at the moment). Thinking about it now, I am almost grateful for this opportunity of showing the girls how to deal with a difficult situation.

I needed to collect myself for a moment after we left the office, but once at the car, the girls and I talked about what happened. I asked them what they thought about the whole situation, and about how I handled it. I was happy to hear that they both thought I appeared calm. But Sena said that she felt bad for the hygienist and the other two women in the office, who my comments were directed to after Dr. Lovelace cowardly walked away. She felt that these women hadn’t done anything wrong, but yet were the ones I was looking at when I was speaking. I tried to explain that I couldn’t just walk after Dr. Lovelace, I felt it would’ve been inappropriate to do so, and my only option for saying what I felt I must, was to speak to these women, who were representing his office, and had witnessed the whole thing. Also, I did clarify to the hygienist when she said that she was sorry that she had nothing to be sorry for, that it was all directed at him.

In any case, I thought about Sena’s comment, and how she’s always so fair, so when we got home, I called the office and clarified to the woman at the desk that I was not upset at her or the other women there, and didn’t think they had done anything wrong. She was very kind to me, and I think she was grateful to get my phone call. She said she would pass the message to the other women. I’m glad now that Sena helped me clarify the situation with them.

So we didn’t get our teeth cleaned today, but I feel that what we got was a life lesson, and a life experience more important than that. I’m glad that the girls and I experienced it together.

Now, I have to find a new dentist….

“The biggest danger is not failing to achieve the American Dream,” says journalist Courtney Martin. “The biggest danger is achieving a dream that you don’t actually believe in.”

My 45th Birthday

Yesterday it was my birthday. The girls and I went to Hammonasset beach. It was amazing. The ocean was rough and we had the whole place to ourselves. The sky was bright with sunlight and fluffy white clouds. The wind was fierce. I love the beach in February!

Just before we were ready to go leave, I asked the girls to give me a minute. I sat on a log, and gave thanks for my life, and the opportunity to experience things on this amazing earth. I also asked for guidance, so I can do my part and contribute in a good way.

After the beach, we went to Julia's bookstore in Madison. I used to love that bookstore when my sister and I lived down there, and still do. We had hot drinks, and the waitress marveled at how red our cheeks were.

Peace

breaking it down

recently, i've been questioning some fundamental assumptions.
for example, i'm questioning if we really need to spend most of our time and most of our life on earning money. this unquestioned assumption, which is the norm by far in our society, has so many implications, for our personal lives, for our families and children, for the environment, and for shaping our society as a whole, that i think it needs to be questioned.

we're all so exhausted from just trying to make a paycheck at a job that most of us don't really like (the TGIF syndrome says it all) - it's no wonder that very few of us really have time or energy to really be with our kids (hence the Quality Time syndrome, the over-scheduled kids syndrome, and the over-medicated kids syndrome, etc.); very few of us have time to really find out what's meaningful to us and follow through with it; very few of us have time to shape our society into something better; and so on.

keeping us chugging along with the status quo is certainly in the interest of those benefiting from a consumerist society, but it is certainly not in my interest. so i'm trying to find out what the alternatives could look like.

so, in my search as to how much money do i really need in order to live the lifestyle i choose (simple, non-consummerist, but not too austere either), i came across some interesting stats.

one is this pie chart showing a breakdown of expenditures for the average family.

another is this Living Wage Calculator, which is really a table put together by someone at MIT with required incomes for different family sizes, in different locations, and a breakdown of where the income goes.

some of this info is a little old, but i was only looking for rough numbers. i'm sure you can find the latest numbers if you look for them. i think it's fascinating though, to look at these numbers, and study them, and ask myself if this is what i want. if not, what would i change and how?

of course it's not all so easy, because there are a lot of assumptions behind these numbers, like for example, if you don't have a full time job, the health care numbers are probably going to be much higher, and so on.

peace

changes

this morning i woke up to a beautiful, moody, foggy morning. i was having my coffee and sena was sitting near me with her breakfast. i said two words to her about being sad with the changes at the farm (not having the CSA this year) and started to cry. it caught me by surprise, but shouldn't have because i've been really raw about the whole farming subject lately.

sena just looked at me in a compassionate way, and said, "mama, you're going to farm, even if you don't have the CSA". it's true. i forget, because i'm having a hard time accepting that we won't do the CSA, which has been central to our farm over the past 8 years.

changes are hard. i'm trying to move through this one with awareness that there are opportunities in it for something new to emerge. but i also need time to just cry about it.

peace

Groundhog Day

Happy Imbolc,

We're half way between Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. Life is quickening, and the sun is stronger every day. The darkness is receding and we're moving into light.

Things have been difficult for me: on a grand scale with what's happening around us politically, environmentally, etc., and on a personal scale with the decision not to continue the CSA this year. I feel like I am witnessing the disintegration of many things, in the lives of people around me, and my own.

So I am grateful for today, for feeling the hope and light inherent at this time of year. I think about seeds awakening in the ground, and sap running in trees; these things are not yet visible, but they soon will be and they will manifest as they are meant to. I hold on to that metaphor and trust that whatever needs to manifest in my own life will too in its due time.

Peace