sometimes i feel like i'm on the verge of losing myself
in a good way
sometimes i feel like i'm about to lose my mind
in not such a good way
sometimes i am overtaken with frustration and indignation
and i get more and more uptight
other times i feel so free like i'm ready to break free and fly,
just like in my dream
the other day it occured to me
that the lady on the street
who asked me for a quarter,
she started off just like aiyana did.
so how did she get that way?
how did we all get this way?
sometimes i am overwhelmed by the realization
that right now, at this moment, somewhere,
babies are being abused, children are crying with hunger and pain,
people are suffering
and i can't do anything about it
except wish it to be better
sometimes i have to admit and accept that
the people i love
will suffer and i won't be able to help them
sometimes i feel so lucky
to be able to share my kids' lives,
to relive childhood
and rediscover everything through them
sometimes i feel like i'm ready to go
but i want to stick around foe a while,
cuz' things can be so much fun
and i love to laugh
lately i feel like i really understand
and i know why the jolly buddha's laughing
Monday, January 30, 2006
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
happy!
beautiful day today! sunny and warm. what a treat after last week, which was cold and gray! there was one day last week, tuesday i believe, when everyone i spoke to seemed to be feeling particularly worn out. even sena was sleepy much earlier than usual. i checked the moon, but nothing special was going on, so maybe it was all the grayness.... well, anyway, today is amazing, and i am feeling great, and i have a bit of time to write.
i've been feeling quite elated recently. no particular reason, just the way things are. i love how mundane and how simple my life is. i get overwhelmed, sometimes, with happiness and joy. i don't know what to do with it, so i try to send it out to everyone. i really wish i could share it in a more direct way, but for now i haven't figured out how, except to wish it to everyone else and just to try to be nice in any way i can to the people i come accross. sometimes i really want to tell people that i love them, but i am still fearfull of being misunderstood. but i really do feel a lot of love.
i've never been happy this way in my life before. i've experienced different kind of happiness, don't know how to characterize it, more exotic maybe? exotic in the sense that it was related to things that were not so simple to get, that were challenges of one kind or another.
but the kind of happiness i feel now is a lot simpler. and a lot freer. it's more like a background feeling, rather than a thing to be achieved. maybe it's joy, in the sense that it's not always sweet, but includes sadness as well. this kind of happiness makes me want to bow down low in the dirt and give thanks.
actually, i think i know what it is. i guess in the past, esp when i was in my 20s, i felt happy when i dicovered that i was special in some way or another. like special good looking, or special smart, or some kind of special talent that made me feel good about myself. but that always wore off pretty quickly and i was usually in search of a new high, a new challenge, pretty quickly. this kind of joy i feel now has more to do with the opposite - with realizing that i am nothing special, that i don't have to be, that my life is just so plain, and it's just fine as it is. it has to do with relief at the growing realization that i don't need anything i don't have in order to be happy. it has to do with letting go somewhat of fear and insecurity. maybe it's age. just in the sense that i'm no longer so caught up in my looks or any external stuff (although i still have my bouts with those things). maybe i feel lighter now because i can sit back sometimes and just laugh at myself for being stuck up on one thing or another. these breaks are very welcome.
wow, i didn't expect to write all this, but here it is.
i also wanted to mention this book, but i've been hesitating. it's called "start where you are" and it's written by pema chodron, a tibetan buddhist. over time, i have reached the conclusion that no book will ever solve your problems; neither will anything else - you just need to go through what you need to go through, one day at a time, and you need to discover things at your own pace, over and over again. it's rarely a one shot deal. so for these reasons i now hesitate to recommend anything to anyone....
nevertheless, this book came to me at the perfect time in my life. i feel that it reflects a lot of what i need to hear right now, and it reinforces certain things i need encouragement with. so i thought others might find it interesting too. it's very short and unpretentious, "kitchen-sink" level as the author puts it, yet at the same time very profound. check it out, you might find something that touches you or inspires you in it. or you may not. it's only writing after all - a very poor substitute for what we can learn from rel life experience.
peace
i've been feeling quite elated recently. no particular reason, just the way things are. i love how mundane and how simple my life is. i get overwhelmed, sometimes, with happiness and joy. i don't know what to do with it, so i try to send it out to everyone. i really wish i could share it in a more direct way, but for now i haven't figured out how, except to wish it to everyone else and just to try to be nice in any way i can to the people i come accross. sometimes i really want to tell people that i love them, but i am still fearfull of being misunderstood. but i really do feel a lot of love.
i've never been happy this way in my life before. i've experienced different kind of happiness, don't know how to characterize it, more exotic maybe? exotic in the sense that it was related to things that were not so simple to get, that were challenges of one kind or another.
but the kind of happiness i feel now is a lot simpler. and a lot freer. it's more like a background feeling, rather than a thing to be achieved. maybe it's joy, in the sense that it's not always sweet, but includes sadness as well. this kind of happiness makes me want to bow down low in the dirt and give thanks.
actually, i think i know what it is. i guess in the past, esp when i was in my 20s, i felt happy when i dicovered that i was special in some way or another. like special good looking, or special smart, or some kind of special talent that made me feel good about myself. but that always wore off pretty quickly and i was usually in search of a new high, a new challenge, pretty quickly. this kind of joy i feel now has more to do with the opposite - with realizing that i am nothing special, that i don't have to be, that my life is just so plain, and it's just fine as it is. it has to do with relief at the growing realization that i don't need anything i don't have in order to be happy. it has to do with letting go somewhat of fear and insecurity. maybe it's age. just in the sense that i'm no longer so caught up in my looks or any external stuff (although i still have my bouts with those things). maybe i feel lighter now because i can sit back sometimes and just laugh at myself for being stuck up on one thing or another. these breaks are very welcome.
wow, i didn't expect to write all this, but here it is.
i also wanted to mention this book, but i've been hesitating. it's called "start where you are" and it's written by pema chodron, a tibetan buddhist. over time, i have reached the conclusion that no book will ever solve your problems; neither will anything else - you just need to go through what you need to go through, one day at a time, and you need to discover things at your own pace, over and over again. it's rarely a one shot deal. so for these reasons i now hesitate to recommend anything to anyone....
nevertheless, this book came to me at the perfect time in my life. i feel that it reflects a lot of what i need to hear right now, and it reinforces certain things i need encouragement with. so i thought others might find it interesting too. it's very short and unpretentious, "kitchen-sink" level as the author puts it, yet at the same time very profound. check it out, you might find something that touches you or inspires you in it. or you may not. it's only writing after all - a very poor substitute for what we can learn from rel life experience.
peace
Aiyana’s Birth Story
I finally got Aiyana’s birth story together and I am happy to be able to share it. Thank you to my sister and Ed for helping me type and post it on my blog.
Peace
Aiyana’s Birth
On Tuesday, October 4th, Ed, Sena and I moved to a new house. Surrounded by fields, trees and woods, this was the nicest place we’ve lived in. Yet at the time it was still very new to me, and ideally, I wanted to give birth in a place I felt familiar with. But at 40 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy, we were given no choice by our landlord but to move out of our old apartment (the apartment was aparently too small for 4 people). I had expected the baby to be born at 38 weeks, like Sena, or maybe earlier, but I was wrong. Nature took its own course, as always, regardless of what I expected.
Tuesday night was our first night sleeping in the new house. Neither Ed nor I slept well, but Sena did. I woke up at around 3 am with some cramping. Nothing new – I’d been having mild contractions for about 2 weeks. I fell back asleep and was again woken up, a while later, by more contractions. This pattern continued, and by the time I got up in the morning, I started thinking that this really may be the beginning of labor. At around 8 am, I decided to time the contractions. I wrote down the time at which each one occurred. They seemed to be spaced about 15 minutes apart, so by 9 am, I decided that something was definitely going on.
I was taking care of Sena at the same time, and I couldn’t really focus on what was going on with my body. So I decided to call Dianne, our friend, and ask her to take Sena for one and a half hours or so, to give me time to focus inwards and decide whether I needed to call Ed and Roxi and tell them to come home from work. I did not want them to come home if I didn’t think I’d be giving birth any time soon. Dianne said she’d come over and help. Before she arrived, Sena and I drove to the Husky Bean Café to get a crusty roll for us and a croissant for Dianne. I told the women there, who know us well, that I thought I’d have the baby later that day, and they were all excited. One of them said “So you’re in labor?”. I said “I think so”. I think they were a bit surprised to see me standing there… They wished me luck and we left. When we got back to our house, Dianne was waiting in the driveway. She tried to take care of Sena at the house, but that didn’t work out too well, because Sena wanted me to play with her. I needed time alone, so finally, after unsuccessfully trying to take Sena for a bike ride, Dianne took her to the park. I felt relieved as they drove away, and started to record my contractions again.
It was 10 am, and my contractions were 3 to 5 minutes apart. Ed called and I told him what was going on. He said he’d leave work right away and come home. He called Roxi too - she was going to come and help us take care of Sena while I gave birth. I also called Nancy, my midwife, and told her about my contractions. She told me to continue monitoring and to take time for myself to relax. She said she’d call Kim and Genji, my other 2 midwives, and they’d be over in a few hours. All these calls were too much for me. I wished to be alone, in peace. When I was finally by myself and off the phone, I decided to prepare a nice place for birthing.
It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm. The sky was clear blue. The grass was still dewy. I laid down a tarp and a soft blanket on top of it. I lit a stick of incense and sat down. I took in my surroundings – tall grass, woods in the background. An old apple tree nearby. Birds singing. Blue sky and a soft breeze. I felt relieved to finally be alone, in silence. I smiled in gratitude, brought my hands in prayer at the heart and chanted “Ong Na Mo Guru Dev Na Mo” (I bow to the wisdom within) as we do at the beginning of yoga practice. I chanted 3 times and bowed my forehead to the ground. I sat back up and breathed. Everything was perfect.
Before long, I heard a car pull in the driveway. It was Ed and my sister. I told them how I was feeling. My contractions were still 3-5 minutes apart, and not very strong – I could carry on a conversation, walk, etc, and if you didn’t know, I don’t think you could tell I was in labor. Dianne and Sena returned soon after Ed and Roxi arrived. Roxi took Sena to her house, and Dianne left for work. It was hard to see Sena go, but we thought things would be better for all this way.
I told Ed that I didn’t really like the room we’d slept in the previous night, and I’d prefer to move to a different bedroom. He said he’d take care of it. We sat together for a while talking, and then he went inside the house to get the birth supplies ready and work on moving into the new bedroom. I sat outside and continued to breathe. I tried, through my breathing and awareness, to open myself up to the energy of birth. I felt that the more open and out-of-control I was, the easier this energy would move through me and the better everything would go. In the previous weeks, I felt a great need to practice sitting still and to let everything go. I was now grateful for that practice. Being open seemed particularly easy on this beautiful day. I felt blessed to be able to labor outside, in such peaceful surroundings. Over the previous weeks, I had imagined giving birth outside, but I didn’t know how realistic that was – depending on weather, time of day, not to mention a favorable location. Yet now, here I was – everything had come together as I hoped.
I could feel the contractions getting more intense as I sat on my blanket. I decided to take off my dress. There comes a point in labor, when any clothing is too much, feels too restrictive, no matter how loose and comfortable. Luckily, I had plenty of privacy at our new place. I started to walk through the grass, slow steps, still focusing on the breathing. As the contractions got stronger, I started walking in circles around the apple tree, the pattern and its monotony somehow soothing. Once in a while I dropped to the ground on hands and knees to go through a contraction. Eventually the contractions got strong enough that I needed to sit again. Ed brought out another blanket and more pillows and set up a place for me in the shade of the apple tree.
Nancy, my midwife, arrived shortly after 12. She asked me a few questions about the labor. She commented on what a perfect setting to give birth this was. Genji arrived soon after Nancy. All of a sudden I felt really hungry. I asked Ed if he could make me some toast and butter, but as it turned out, we had no butter, so he made me toast and cheese, which I devoured in between contractions. He brought out juice and water so I’d stay well hydrated. He also made Nature Burger sandwiches for the midwives and himself. Ed and the midwives sat with me on the blanket, eating and talking in quiet voices. I felt okay with this, despite not being able to focus fully on my contractions. Ed asked me if I wanted to be left alone and I said no, not wanting to be rude. But when Nancy suggested a little later that they walk away and give me some space, I gladly accepted.
It felt good to be by myself again, and focus all my attention inwards. The midwives came back to the blanket every hour or so, checking on me and the baby’s heart rate. One time they came, I asked them to check how far along I was. Genji checked and said 5 cm. I felt somewhat disappointed (expecting maybe 8 cm), and wished I hadn’t asked. I was afraid that my disappointment would reflect negatively on my labor and make me lose courage. I thought “I’m only 5 cm and have to go all the way to 10.” Only half way there… As far as I was concerned, I felt as if I was already in transition, yet by Genji’s estimate, I was quite a ways away from it I wondered how I’d cope with the stronger contractions yet to come.
It was 2 pm. The contractions increased in intensity until around 3:30, when I started feeling the urge to push. As soon as I felt it, I got up and started walking towards the house. I called for Ed. Kim, my other midwife, came outside to meet me. She had arrived sometime earlier. I asked her to get Ed, and when he came, I told them I wanted to get in the bathtub. I hadn’t planned this, yet here I was, wanting to be in the water as soon as I felt like pushing. Nancy later told us that animals instinctively search for a sheltered place to give birth, a place where they can feel protected and out of danger. Maybe this instinct drove me indoors, out of the open and into the safety of our small tub.
Just as I was about to enter into the house, I got a contraction. I leaned all my weight against Ed and he supported me through it. We walked to the bathroom, and I got another contraction at the door, which Ed also supported me through. Ed commented that “This is deja-vu”, meaning the trip to the tub, which had been identical in Sena’s birth.
Kim turned the water on and I got in. The water was running cold. I heard Ed say “Oh shit”, but then the oil heater kicked on, and he said we should have hot water in a minute. He was right. I sat in the tub and leaned back. I didn’t feel comfortable, but before I could make a change, a contraction came on. It felt very strong and my water broke with a loud “pop”. It took all my energy to cope and not lose myself. What would happen if I freaked out, I asked myself… Nothing would happen - nobody could help me. I had to do this all alone. I knew I could do it, but I had to keep myself together. Things would only get harder and more frantic if I lost my peace. I felt that giving in to the temptation to scream and act helpless was not really an alternative. I could not picture myself that way, anyway, so I didn’t do it. Although I have to admit that I am extremely lucky as far as my births go – they are short and uncomplicated. Were they longer, like some women who labor for days, I’m not sure I could hold myself together. I have to really admire those women.
For the second contraction, I got myself in a better position – on my knees and leaning with my arms and head over the side of the tub. I was able to push much better this way. For the first contraction, I had tried vocalizing like I did with Sena – a low grunt, like an animal. But for the second I just kept silent and channeled all my energy into pushing - this felt better. I could not and cannot believe the energy we summon during these contractions. Although they are fairly long – minutes – I felt like I could not even breathe, just did not have the space to – and all I had went into pushing. Nothing I could do about it either – it wasn’t really my decision to push or not to – it just happened, as impersonally and as unmistakably as any force in nature.
I could now feel the baby’s head about half an inch away from coming out. On the third contraction, I knew the head was coming out. I fumbled about and felt that half of the baby’s head was out. I heard someone say “She’s gonna catch her own baby”. I hadn’t paid any attention to what was going on in the room till this point. Now I thought I needed someone to catch the baby. But nobody other than myself seemed to know that the head was out. The position I was in made it impossible for anyone to see what was going on, unless they were lying flat on the bottom of the tub… When the third push ended, I looked up and said “Are you gonna get it?”
I must’ve taken them all by surprise. There was some hustling – and then I could feel Ed reaching for the baby. He was surprised to find how much of the head was already out. He said “I can feel the cheeks”. When the fourth pushing contraction came, I gave it all I had, hoping, knowing that this would be it. Ed said “Here come the shoulders”, and then I felt the tremendous relief I remembered for Sena’s birth – the baby was out. Ed brought the baby out of the water and put her on my belly. She was purple – a little more so than Sena – but I wasn’t worried – she moved and gave some nice cries. I asked the midwives if they thought she was okay – they said she looked great. Ed asked if we had a boy or a girl – I looked and said she was a girl. The mood was light and happy as I sat in the water holding the baby in my arms. The midwives brought warm receiving blankets and covered the baby with them.
After a few minutes, I decided to get out of the tub and move into the bedroom. I delivered the placenta in the bedroom, about an hour after the baby was born. The midwives recorded some numbers – time of birth: 3:49 pm, weight 7 lb 11 oz, length 21 in. Just a little bigger than Sena was at birth. The midwives hung around for a few more hours, observing me and the baby, and then they left. Ed, I and the baby stayed in bed, relaxing and nursing.
I don’t remember much of the rest of the day. The main event after the birth was Sena coming home with my sister and Ricardo. She was reluctant to come in the bedroom at first because of the midwives being there. But once she did come in and saw the baby, she got very happy and excited. She had a big smile on her face as she looked at the baby and touched her so gently. She seemed to love the baby’s feet and toes, which she played with, making cute giggly sounds. We could not believe how careful and gentle she was.
After a few days, we named the baby Aiyana, a Native American name which means “eternal blossom”. As with Sena, I feel humbled that this new soul came into the world through me, and I look forward to our journey in this life together.
Peace
Aiyana’s Birth
On Tuesday, October 4th, Ed, Sena and I moved to a new house. Surrounded by fields, trees and woods, this was the nicest place we’ve lived in. Yet at the time it was still very new to me, and ideally, I wanted to give birth in a place I felt familiar with. But at 40 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy, we were given no choice by our landlord but to move out of our old apartment (the apartment was aparently too small for 4 people). I had expected the baby to be born at 38 weeks, like Sena, or maybe earlier, but I was wrong. Nature took its own course, as always, regardless of what I expected.
Tuesday night was our first night sleeping in the new house. Neither Ed nor I slept well, but Sena did. I woke up at around 3 am with some cramping. Nothing new – I’d been having mild contractions for about 2 weeks. I fell back asleep and was again woken up, a while later, by more contractions. This pattern continued, and by the time I got up in the morning, I started thinking that this really may be the beginning of labor. At around 8 am, I decided to time the contractions. I wrote down the time at which each one occurred. They seemed to be spaced about 15 minutes apart, so by 9 am, I decided that something was definitely going on.
I was taking care of Sena at the same time, and I couldn’t really focus on what was going on with my body. So I decided to call Dianne, our friend, and ask her to take Sena for one and a half hours or so, to give me time to focus inwards and decide whether I needed to call Ed and Roxi and tell them to come home from work. I did not want them to come home if I didn’t think I’d be giving birth any time soon. Dianne said she’d come over and help. Before she arrived, Sena and I drove to the Husky Bean Café to get a crusty roll for us and a croissant for Dianne. I told the women there, who know us well, that I thought I’d have the baby later that day, and they were all excited. One of them said “So you’re in labor?”. I said “I think so”. I think they were a bit surprised to see me standing there… They wished me luck and we left. When we got back to our house, Dianne was waiting in the driveway. She tried to take care of Sena at the house, but that didn’t work out too well, because Sena wanted me to play with her. I needed time alone, so finally, after unsuccessfully trying to take Sena for a bike ride, Dianne took her to the park. I felt relieved as they drove away, and started to record my contractions again.
It was 10 am, and my contractions were 3 to 5 minutes apart. Ed called and I told him what was going on. He said he’d leave work right away and come home. He called Roxi too - she was going to come and help us take care of Sena while I gave birth. I also called Nancy, my midwife, and told her about my contractions. She told me to continue monitoring and to take time for myself to relax. She said she’d call Kim and Genji, my other 2 midwives, and they’d be over in a few hours. All these calls were too much for me. I wished to be alone, in peace. When I was finally by myself and off the phone, I decided to prepare a nice place for birthing.
It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm. The sky was clear blue. The grass was still dewy. I laid down a tarp and a soft blanket on top of it. I lit a stick of incense and sat down. I took in my surroundings – tall grass, woods in the background. An old apple tree nearby. Birds singing. Blue sky and a soft breeze. I felt relieved to finally be alone, in silence. I smiled in gratitude, brought my hands in prayer at the heart and chanted “Ong Na Mo Guru Dev Na Mo” (I bow to the wisdom within) as we do at the beginning of yoga practice. I chanted 3 times and bowed my forehead to the ground. I sat back up and breathed. Everything was perfect.
Before long, I heard a car pull in the driveway. It was Ed and my sister. I told them how I was feeling. My contractions were still 3-5 minutes apart, and not very strong – I could carry on a conversation, walk, etc, and if you didn’t know, I don’t think you could tell I was in labor. Dianne and Sena returned soon after Ed and Roxi arrived. Roxi took Sena to her house, and Dianne left for work. It was hard to see Sena go, but we thought things would be better for all this way.
I told Ed that I didn’t really like the room we’d slept in the previous night, and I’d prefer to move to a different bedroom. He said he’d take care of it. We sat together for a while talking, and then he went inside the house to get the birth supplies ready and work on moving into the new bedroom. I sat outside and continued to breathe. I tried, through my breathing and awareness, to open myself up to the energy of birth. I felt that the more open and out-of-control I was, the easier this energy would move through me and the better everything would go. In the previous weeks, I felt a great need to practice sitting still and to let everything go. I was now grateful for that practice. Being open seemed particularly easy on this beautiful day. I felt blessed to be able to labor outside, in such peaceful surroundings. Over the previous weeks, I had imagined giving birth outside, but I didn’t know how realistic that was – depending on weather, time of day, not to mention a favorable location. Yet now, here I was – everything had come together as I hoped.
I could feel the contractions getting more intense as I sat on my blanket. I decided to take off my dress. There comes a point in labor, when any clothing is too much, feels too restrictive, no matter how loose and comfortable. Luckily, I had plenty of privacy at our new place. I started to walk through the grass, slow steps, still focusing on the breathing. As the contractions got stronger, I started walking in circles around the apple tree, the pattern and its monotony somehow soothing. Once in a while I dropped to the ground on hands and knees to go through a contraction. Eventually the contractions got strong enough that I needed to sit again. Ed brought out another blanket and more pillows and set up a place for me in the shade of the apple tree.
Nancy, my midwife, arrived shortly after 12. She asked me a few questions about the labor. She commented on what a perfect setting to give birth this was. Genji arrived soon after Nancy. All of a sudden I felt really hungry. I asked Ed if he could make me some toast and butter, but as it turned out, we had no butter, so he made me toast and cheese, which I devoured in between contractions. He brought out juice and water so I’d stay well hydrated. He also made Nature Burger sandwiches for the midwives and himself. Ed and the midwives sat with me on the blanket, eating and talking in quiet voices. I felt okay with this, despite not being able to focus fully on my contractions. Ed asked me if I wanted to be left alone and I said no, not wanting to be rude. But when Nancy suggested a little later that they walk away and give me some space, I gladly accepted.
It felt good to be by myself again, and focus all my attention inwards. The midwives came back to the blanket every hour or so, checking on me and the baby’s heart rate. One time they came, I asked them to check how far along I was. Genji checked and said 5 cm. I felt somewhat disappointed (expecting maybe 8 cm), and wished I hadn’t asked. I was afraid that my disappointment would reflect negatively on my labor and make me lose courage. I thought “I’m only 5 cm and have to go all the way to 10.” Only half way there… As far as I was concerned, I felt as if I was already in transition, yet by Genji’s estimate, I was quite a ways away from it I wondered how I’d cope with the stronger contractions yet to come.
It was 2 pm. The contractions increased in intensity until around 3:30, when I started feeling the urge to push. As soon as I felt it, I got up and started walking towards the house. I called for Ed. Kim, my other midwife, came outside to meet me. She had arrived sometime earlier. I asked her to get Ed, and when he came, I told them I wanted to get in the bathtub. I hadn’t planned this, yet here I was, wanting to be in the water as soon as I felt like pushing. Nancy later told us that animals instinctively search for a sheltered place to give birth, a place where they can feel protected and out of danger. Maybe this instinct drove me indoors, out of the open and into the safety of our small tub.
Just as I was about to enter into the house, I got a contraction. I leaned all my weight against Ed and he supported me through it. We walked to the bathroom, and I got another contraction at the door, which Ed also supported me through. Ed commented that “This is deja-vu”, meaning the trip to the tub, which had been identical in Sena’s birth.
Kim turned the water on and I got in. The water was running cold. I heard Ed say “Oh shit”, but then the oil heater kicked on, and he said we should have hot water in a minute. He was right. I sat in the tub and leaned back. I didn’t feel comfortable, but before I could make a change, a contraction came on. It felt very strong and my water broke with a loud “pop”. It took all my energy to cope and not lose myself. What would happen if I freaked out, I asked myself… Nothing would happen - nobody could help me. I had to do this all alone. I knew I could do it, but I had to keep myself together. Things would only get harder and more frantic if I lost my peace. I felt that giving in to the temptation to scream and act helpless was not really an alternative. I could not picture myself that way, anyway, so I didn’t do it. Although I have to admit that I am extremely lucky as far as my births go – they are short and uncomplicated. Were they longer, like some women who labor for days, I’m not sure I could hold myself together. I have to really admire those women.
For the second contraction, I got myself in a better position – on my knees and leaning with my arms and head over the side of the tub. I was able to push much better this way. For the first contraction, I had tried vocalizing like I did with Sena – a low grunt, like an animal. But for the second I just kept silent and channeled all my energy into pushing - this felt better. I could not and cannot believe the energy we summon during these contractions. Although they are fairly long – minutes – I felt like I could not even breathe, just did not have the space to – and all I had went into pushing. Nothing I could do about it either – it wasn’t really my decision to push or not to – it just happened, as impersonally and as unmistakably as any force in nature.
I could now feel the baby’s head about half an inch away from coming out. On the third contraction, I knew the head was coming out. I fumbled about and felt that half of the baby’s head was out. I heard someone say “She’s gonna catch her own baby”. I hadn’t paid any attention to what was going on in the room till this point. Now I thought I needed someone to catch the baby. But nobody other than myself seemed to know that the head was out. The position I was in made it impossible for anyone to see what was going on, unless they were lying flat on the bottom of the tub… When the third push ended, I looked up and said “Are you gonna get it?”
I must’ve taken them all by surprise. There was some hustling – and then I could feel Ed reaching for the baby. He was surprised to find how much of the head was already out. He said “I can feel the cheeks”. When the fourth pushing contraction came, I gave it all I had, hoping, knowing that this would be it. Ed said “Here come the shoulders”, and then I felt the tremendous relief I remembered for Sena’s birth – the baby was out. Ed brought the baby out of the water and put her on my belly. She was purple – a little more so than Sena – but I wasn’t worried – she moved and gave some nice cries. I asked the midwives if they thought she was okay – they said she looked great. Ed asked if we had a boy or a girl – I looked and said she was a girl. The mood was light and happy as I sat in the water holding the baby in my arms. The midwives brought warm receiving blankets and covered the baby with them.
After a few minutes, I decided to get out of the tub and move into the bedroom. I delivered the placenta in the bedroom, about an hour after the baby was born. The midwives recorded some numbers – time of birth: 3:49 pm, weight 7 lb 11 oz, length 21 in. Just a little bigger than Sena was at birth. The midwives hung around for a few more hours, observing me and the baby, and then they left. Ed, I and the baby stayed in bed, relaxing and nursing.
I don’t remember much of the rest of the day. The main event after the birth was Sena coming home with my sister and Ricardo. She was reluctant to come in the bedroom at first because of the midwives being there. But once she did come in and saw the baby, she got very happy and excited. She had a big smile on her face as she looked at the baby and touched her so gently. She seemed to love the baby’s feet and toes, which she played with, making cute giggly sounds. We could not believe how careful and gentle she was.
After a few days, we named the baby Aiyana, a Native American name which means “eternal blossom”. As with Sena, I feel humbled that this new soul came into the world through me, and I look forward to our journey in this life together.
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