from "Conversations with God":
i really connect with these, so i wanted to share them:
"from certain states of being will spring a life so rich, so full, so magnificent, and so rewarding that worldly goods and worldly success will be on no concern to you."
"...it will be well to recognize hurt, damage, and loss as part of your experience and decide who you are in relationship to it.
....
what will get you from here to there most quickly is total honesty - being willing to assert, acknowledge and declare exactly how you feel about a thing. say your truth - kindly, but fully and completely. live your truth gently, but totaly and consistently. change your truth easily and quickly when your experience brings you new clarity."
Thursday, February 28, 2008
a full report
yesterday, ed and i were having an argument over the phone (he was at work, i at home). the kids were in the same room as i was but doing their own thing. i could barely hear ed, and i was getting frustrated. i didn't want to hang up without having resolved the issue at hand, but it was hard to talk. we were waiting for grandma to come and pick up the kids for the day.
finally, ed and i got off the phone having resolved our issue somewhat, but i was still frustrated with the whole thing, and a bit low on energy from trying to talk and manage the kids at the same time. grandma arrived shortly, and when she walked in, my face was still drawn and she noticed something was wrong. i told her a little about what had happened, but only mentioned that ed and i got into an argument, without giving any further details. that's when sena jumped in, and recited to grandma everything i had said to ed. it made a pretty good case for me, because she only heard my side of the argument, so it really made it look like i was right. as she did this, i could not stop laughing. it was perfect, exactly what i needed to break the tension i felt. grandma laughed too...
so i guess i have to watch out what i'm saying. or maybe not. i guess when i think about it, i think that it's good for the kids to witness the interaction of their parents even when it's difficult. i think that ed and i deal with conflict pretty constructively, most of the time. we don't insult each other or anything too crazy. no fist-fights either (not yet). no object-throwing. we generally keep it pretty calm, and i think that the kids can actually learn something by witnessing our conflicts and how we handle them. but it's still a bit embarrassing when they go and recite the entire thing to somebody else, so i guess i'll have to deal with that somehow...
peace
finally, ed and i got off the phone having resolved our issue somewhat, but i was still frustrated with the whole thing, and a bit low on energy from trying to talk and manage the kids at the same time. grandma arrived shortly, and when she walked in, my face was still drawn and she noticed something was wrong. i told her a little about what had happened, but only mentioned that ed and i got into an argument, without giving any further details. that's when sena jumped in, and recited to grandma everything i had said to ed. it made a pretty good case for me, because she only heard my side of the argument, so it really made it look like i was right. as she did this, i could not stop laughing. it was perfect, exactly what i needed to break the tension i felt. grandma laughed too...
so i guess i have to watch out what i'm saying. or maybe not. i guess when i think about it, i think that it's good for the kids to witness the interaction of their parents even when it's difficult. i think that ed and i deal with conflict pretty constructively, most of the time. we don't insult each other or anything too crazy. no fist-fights either (not yet). no object-throwing. we generally keep it pretty calm, and i think that the kids can actually learn something by witnessing our conflicts and how we handle them. but it's still a bit embarrassing when they go and recite the entire thing to somebody else, so i guess i'll have to deal with that somehow...
peace
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
update on mamaia
just a quick update on my grandmother, mamaia:
she's doing much better; she's out of the hospital, and feeling pretty good. she still can't move or feel her left arm (her stroke affected the left side of her body), and has limitted use of her left leg. but she can stand up when supported, and is working to regain movement.
my dad moved her in a (very expensive) nursing home, where they can take care of her while she's still impaired. she's having physical therapy done while in there, which hopefuly will help her.
i think that the plan is for her to go home as soon as she's able to live with only minimal help (she has a woman who comes to be with her every day).
so things are as good as you can expect, i think, for someone her age, and once again i am amazed and grateful that she's made it through her illness as well as she has.
she's doing much better; she's out of the hospital, and feeling pretty good. she still can't move or feel her left arm (her stroke affected the left side of her body), and has limitted use of her left leg. but she can stand up when supported, and is working to regain movement.
my dad moved her in a (very expensive) nursing home, where they can take care of her while she's still impaired. she's having physical therapy done while in there, which hopefuly will help her.
i think that the plan is for her to go home as soon as she's able to live with only minimal help (she has a woman who comes to be with her every day).
so things are as good as you can expect, i think, for someone her age, and once again i am amazed and grateful that she's made it through her illness as well as she has.
Monday, February 25, 2008
vacuuming and doing our hair
on saturday, ed had his friend come over while i was taking my time off. his friend has 2 kids as well, and they play really well with our kids. before leaving, his friend, who's really laid back and i like a lot, joked about the cobwebs hanging from the ceilings all over our house. hmm...i guess, i stopped noticing. so i decided to clean them up right then and there. so great was my enthusiasm for this (and so unusual), that everyone got into the cleaning mood. ed vacuumed the front porch, and the kids insisted on vacuuming their room...
(like aiyana's hanging underware? i guess the elastic has seen better days...)
this morning, the girls were really into their hair (quite unusual), so we did braids and ponytails, and then they posed:
peace
(like aiyana's hanging underware? i guess the elastic has seen better days...)
this morning, the girls were really into their hair (quite unusual), so we did braids and ponytails, and then they posed:
peace
Saturday, February 23, 2008
a quote i like
from WeMoon 2008:
"true friends are ones who know the tune of your heart and hum it back to you , when you have forgotten the words" (excerpt, by Galloway Quena).
i feel that in my life, i am blessed with true friends that encompass the above and so much more...
it feels so good to feel supported by people who know me, who love me, and who can reflect back to me the aspects of myself i need to remember at critical times. i also consider myself incredibly lucky to have several inspiring people in my life, and i don't mean inspiring because they're doing something extraordinary by normal standards; quite the opposite: they inspire me in the way they lead their ordinary lives, every day, through every mood and nuance of the inner and outer landscape.
i also want to add, that recently, i've experienced quite a bit of sadness in regards to friendships. sadness because i feel that people who i hold close to my heart have slipped away. somebody recently said at one of our women's circles, that we are always connected to the important people in our lives, by the strings in our hearts. i'd like to believe that, and sometimes i do, but sometimes it's hard, when you've lost contact, and you have no idea what the other person's feeling.
but i believe that there is a richness in experiencing these emotions, these different aspects of human relationships. so i'll take the sadness and the closeness, and i must say that i feel a certain gratitude for both.
"true friends are ones who know the tune of your heart and hum it back to you , when you have forgotten the words" (excerpt, by Galloway Quena).
i feel that in my life, i am blessed with true friends that encompass the above and so much more...
it feels so good to feel supported by people who know me, who love me, and who can reflect back to me the aspects of myself i need to remember at critical times. i also consider myself incredibly lucky to have several inspiring people in my life, and i don't mean inspiring because they're doing something extraordinary by normal standards; quite the opposite: they inspire me in the way they lead their ordinary lives, every day, through every mood and nuance of the inner and outer landscape.
i also want to add, that recently, i've experienced quite a bit of sadness in regards to friendships. sadness because i feel that people who i hold close to my heart have slipped away. somebody recently said at one of our women's circles, that we are always connected to the important people in our lives, by the strings in our hearts. i'd like to believe that, and sometimes i do, but sometimes it's hard, when you've lost contact, and you have no idea what the other person's feeling.
but i believe that there is a richness in experiencing these emotions, these different aspects of human relationships. so i'll take the sadness and the closeness, and i must say that i feel a certain gratitude for both.
Bunica's birthday
today is my (other) grandmother - Bunica-'s, birthday. she's turning 95.
she's healthy, but i know that she's not too happy because she's still in a nursing home. she really wants to be at home, but she's made it very difficult for my mom and aunt to bring her home when they tried. bunica is very very strong willed, and wants things on her own terms, which we all do, but unfortunately at this point in her life, she is very dependent on others because of her physical limitations. since last year, when she had surgery, she can no longer live without help. if she lived back at her appartment, she'd need someone to check on her every day, make sure she has not fallen or hurt herself, or that she hasn't forgotten the stove, water or anything else on (her short-term memory is really bad). my mom and aunt tried to bring her home a few months ago, and even found someone willing to come daily to her appartment to check on her. unfortunately, bunica refused to accept this person's help, or anyone's help, so in the end my aunt and mom had no choice but to bring her back to the nursing home. it's pretty clear to everyone right now that bunica cannot live on her own, bc she poses too much danger to herself and others. so i feel sad for her, sad that she's being so obstinate, but mostly sad that she's living her life in a place she does not like. lately, it's been very difficult to even talk to her on the phone - when my mom calls, bunica shouts at her the entire time, demanding that she fly to romania and take her out of the nursing home. so at this point, i guess i'm hoping for a mini-miracle, maybe bunica will decide to be more agreeable and accept some help, and my mom and aunt will be able to bring her home. realistically though, it seems pretty unlikely....
but, i wish her a Happy Brithday anyway, and a little more peace of mind....
she's healthy, but i know that she's not too happy because she's still in a nursing home. she really wants to be at home, but she's made it very difficult for my mom and aunt to bring her home when they tried. bunica is very very strong willed, and wants things on her own terms, which we all do, but unfortunately at this point in her life, she is very dependent on others because of her physical limitations. since last year, when she had surgery, she can no longer live without help. if she lived back at her appartment, she'd need someone to check on her every day, make sure she has not fallen or hurt herself, or that she hasn't forgotten the stove, water or anything else on (her short-term memory is really bad). my mom and aunt tried to bring her home a few months ago, and even found someone willing to come daily to her appartment to check on her. unfortunately, bunica refused to accept this person's help, or anyone's help, so in the end my aunt and mom had no choice but to bring her back to the nursing home. it's pretty clear to everyone right now that bunica cannot live on her own, bc she poses too much danger to herself and others. so i feel sad for her, sad that she's being so obstinate, but mostly sad that she's living her life in a place she does not like. lately, it's been very difficult to even talk to her on the phone - when my mom calls, bunica shouts at her the entire time, demanding that she fly to romania and take her out of the nursing home. so at this point, i guess i'm hoping for a mini-miracle, maybe bunica will decide to be more agreeable and accept some help, and my mom and aunt will be able to bring her home. realistically though, it seems pretty unlikely....
but, i wish her a Happy Brithday anyway, and a little more peace of mind....
Friday, February 22, 2008
some cute and funny pictures
the sisters, hugging...
the food co-op celebrated its 28th bday last saturday. big party inside, with 28 delicious cakes....
our sleeping situation (notice the foot in my back, it doesn't even bother me anymore...)
my friend anita was over yesterday, with her daughter clara. julia was over at the same time, so it was a house full of girls. lots of fun (and some drama too).
miss Attitude has added a new item to her favorite outfit: the goggles. it cracks me up...
art projects, one of our favorite passtimes...
the food co-op celebrated its 28th bday last saturday. big party inside, with 28 delicious cakes....
our sleeping situation (notice the foot in my back, it doesn't even bother me anymore...)
my friend anita was over yesterday, with her daughter clara. julia was over at the same time, so it was a house full of girls. lots of fun (and some drama too).
miss Attitude has added a new item to her favorite outfit: the goggles. it cracks me up...
art projects, one of our favorite passtimes...
excited about my morning
wow, i am SO infatuated with eddie vedder's voice, it's almost embarasing...
i just can't take him, especially on the soundtrack to "into the wild" which is what i've been listening to lately. and the lyrics, wow, he's just amazing.
i was hoping that if god ever spoke to me, could he please sound like that? it would make me really happy.
i'm heading to the gym now. what? the gym? yeah, i started going last week, and this is my second time. i'm feeling really good with my body these days, and healthwise in general, and i feel motivated to keep doing good things for myself; so when my sister takes the kids for the morning, it's a perfect opportunity. don't get the wrong impression, i don't do much. i'm content with 30min of cardio on a machine, a couple of laps around the track (walking), and some stretching at the end. then i take a nice shower (the real reason i go there), and then i head to the coffee shop. nice morning. so on that note, i'd better get going, so happy snowy day to everyone and see you soon...
peace
Monday, February 18, 2008
my grandmother
my grandmother, mamaia, is very ill. she had a light stroke a week and a half ago, and has been in the hospital ever since. my dad flew to romania to be with her right away.
as of right now, mamaia is not doing too well because of kidney complications. but she is fully conscious and aware of what's going on. my dad is trying to support her as best as he can. i think that being with her is actually the most he can do at this time.
the hospital conditions she's in sound terrible, and she's very uncomfortable with a tube going up her nose, and another in her arm. she tries to take them out apparently, so they tied her arm to the bed. she's sharing a small room with 7 other people, my dad said, and one night when she fell out of bed, she spent the entire night on the floor and nobody came to help her.
mamaia has been independent all her life, up until this point, living on her own with dignity and peace. now she's in the hospital, at the mercy of doctors and nurses, who are mostly too overburdened, underpaid, and jaded to care about this old woman.
i came accross a passage in my reading the other day, which sums up exactly how i see things in mamaia's situation:
"the entire medical profession is trained to keep people alive, rather than keeping people comfortable so that they can die with dignity....
to a doctor or a nurse, death is failure. to a friend or a relative, death is disaster. only to the soul is death a relief - a release." (from Conversations with God, by D. Walsch).
what i wish for mamaia, is peace and respect for her wishes (it seems that she has asked for the tube in her nose to be removed repeatedly, understanding that she might die without it, but has so far been ignored by the doctor). i think that she alone can determine whether it's worth staying alive at this point, knowing that she's had a full, active life, and knowing what the costs of staying alive are. personally, and selfishly, i want her to live. i want to know that she's there no matter what. i want her in this world. but, when i put myself in her shoes, it is very clear to me, that i would NOT want to be kept alive, unless i can live with a certain amount of comfort, independence, dignity, or whatever else i consider important in life.
so i just wish her (and my dad who has to witness all this) peace
peace
as of right now, mamaia is not doing too well because of kidney complications. but she is fully conscious and aware of what's going on. my dad is trying to support her as best as he can. i think that being with her is actually the most he can do at this time.
the hospital conditions she's in sound terrible, and she's very uncomfortable with a tube going up her nose, and another in her arm. she tries to take them out apparently, so they tied her arm to the bed. she's sharing a small room with 7 other people, my dad said, and one night when she fell out of bed, she spent the entire night on the floor and nobody came to help her.
mamaia has been independent all her life, up until this point, living on her own with dignity and peace. now she's in the hospital, at the mercy of doctors and nurses, who are mostly too overburdened, underpaid, and jaded to care about this old woman.
i came accross a passage in my reading the other day, which sums up exactly how i see things in mamaia's situation:
"the entire medical profession is trained to keep people alive, rather than keeping people comfortable so that they can die with dignity....
to a doctor or a nurse, death is failure. to a friend or a relative, death is disaster. only to the soul is death a relief - a release." (from Conversations with God, by D. Walsch).
what i wish for mamaia, is peace and respect for her wishes (it seems that she has asked for the tube in her nose to be removed repeatedly, understanding that she might die without it, but has so far been ignored by the doctor). i think that she alone can determine whether it's worth staying alive at this point, knowing that she's had a full, active life, and knowing what the costs of staying alive are. personally, and selfishly, i want her to live. i want to know that she's there no matter what. i want her in this world. but, when i put myself in her shoes, it is very clear to me, that i would NOT want to be kept alive, unless i can live with a certain amount of comfort, independence, dignity, or whatever else i consider important in life.
so i just wish her (and my dad who has to witness all this) peace
peace
one more favorite picture
i love this picture. this is aiyana in her butterfly princess dress, which she's been wearing every day for the past 2 weeks. she wears it in and out of the house, and draws a lot of comments from people. mostly they say that they wish they could dress up and express themselves as freely as she does.
in this picture she's watching the end of the famous yoga video i described earlier...
peace
yoga
i got a yoga video for sena and aiyana for christmas, and they love it. it's their only DVD and they watch it every day. they each have favorite poses, and love to show them to their friends and whoever is interested...
so here's dog pose (julia eventually got into it as well):
and tree pose, one of our favorites:
and finally, bowing and singing "namaste" at the end:
so here's dog pose (julia eventually got into it as well):
and tree pose, one of our favorites:
and finally, bowing and singing "namaste" at the end:
Thursday, February 14, 2008
more on sena
the other day, while in the car, sena asked me: mama, do dogs have gas?
i said, yes, they do, just like people.
then she was thoughtful, and after a moment she said: does it come out of their butt or their tail?
it was sweet and funny, and it made perfect sense to me how she came to her question....
on a different topic:
yesterday, sena got her graduating certificate from her first swimming class (water adjustment). she is very excited about it, and keeps looking at it.
she loved the class, but her approach to it was different than the other kids, and quite interesting. it was also misleading, mainly for the teacher.
at first, she wanted nothing to do w the teacher, or the class in general. she stood outside the pool the whole time, while the other kids were in the water following the teacher's instructions (there were 6 kids in the class). the teacher called out to her repeatedly, but each time, sena turned away, or at best acknowledged her by saying no. so she seemed uninterested and uncooperative.
ed and i knew that sena does not follow instructions from a person, unless she's very comfortable and trusts that person. we also knew that although she seemed to be learning nothing, she was taking it all in.
after 3 classes of standing outside the pool, seemingly disinterested, one evening after class, she submerged herself under the water and started to swim. she needed ed or i to be there to help her come out when she ran out of air, but other than that, she was doing it on her own. ed and i encouraged her a lot, and her teacher, who happened to pass by the pool was amazed. after that, she basically took off, and became almost fearless in the water. she also became very different in class, always sitting herself right in front of the teacher, and wanting to be first to do whatever the teacher wanted them to practice.
to me, this is not surprising bc i know that it's sena's way of learning. she needs time to observe and become comfortable in the situation at hand, but when she's ready, watch out. i think that it's important to honor each person's individual style of learning; unfortunately, a lot of people expect kids to confirm to a model of learning they consider "normal"; the substitute teacher, for example, who led sena's class one time, said to sena "you're not going to learn anything", frustrated that she could not get her to follow her instructions. i think she meant well, but was a bit misguided as to how different kids can be in learning something new.
so sena' s really comfortable in the water now, and she's so proud of her "diploma", and can't wait to go swimming again. aiyana's following suite, becoming more and more comfortable in the water and trying her own moves.
peace
i said, yes, they do, just like people.
then she was thoughtful, and after a moment she said: does it come out of their butt or their tail?
it was sweet and funny, and it made perfect sense to me how she came to her question....
on a different topic:
yesterday, sena got her graduating certificate from her first swimming class (water adjustment). she is very excited about it, and keeps looking at it.
she loved the class, but her approach to it was different than the other kids, and quite interesting. it was also misleading, mainly for the teacher.
at first, she wanted nothing to do w the teacher, or the class in general. she stood outside the pool the whole time, while the other kids were in the water following the teacher's instructions (there were 6 kids in the class). the teacher called out to her repeatedly, but each time, sena turned away, or at best acknowledged her by saying no. so she seemed uninterested and uncooperative.
ed and i knew that sena does not follow instructions from a person, unless she's very comfortable and trusts that person. we also knew that although she seemed to be learning nothing, she was taking it all in.
after 3 classes of standing outside the pool, seemingly disinterested, one evening after class, she submerged herself under the water and started to swim. she needed ed or i to be there to help her come out when she ran out of air, but other than that, she was doing it on her own. ed and i encouraged her a lot, and her teacher, who happened to pass by the pool was amazed. after that, she basically took off, and became almost fearless in the water. she also became very different in class, always sitting herself right in front of the teacher, and wanting to be first to do whatever the teacher wanted them to practice.
to me, this is not surprising bc i know that it's sena's way of learning. she needs time to observe and become comfortable in the situation at hand, but when she's ready, watch out. i think that it's important to honor each person's individual style of learning; unfortunately, a lot of people expect kids to confirm to a model of learning they consider "normal"; the substitute teacher, for example, who led sena's class one time, said to sena "you're not going to learn anything", frustrated that she could not get her to follow her instructions. i think she meant well, but was a bit misguided as to how different kids can be in learning something new.
so sena' s really comfortable in the water now, and she's so proud of her "diploma", and can't wait to go swimming again. aiyana's following suite, becoming more and more comfortable in the water and trying her own moves.
peace
Monday, February 11, 2008
my best birthday
i just turned 36 yrs old, and i had the best birthday!
i really feel surrounded by people who love me...
sena and aiyana made me a sweet necklace and bracelet, which i love to wear. they're colorful, vibrant, and very special to me because they remind me of the way my kids love me.
going into the weekend, i was actually a bit overwhelmed, since we had so many things planned. i told ed and the kids that i wanted to keep my bday really low key, although i did feel sad not to be able to celebrate with friends.
on saturday morning i had some time to myself, which was very nice; i went to the cafe and read, and then i sat by eagleville dam, looking at the water and the ducks floating by, and listening to the ice crack. when i got back home, we took sena to her dance class, and aiyana to the park. then we went to the co-op and finally back home for a nap. while at the co-op, unbeknownst to me, ed invited a bunch of our friends, who also happened to be there, over to our place that night, for a surprise gathering. it was very last minute, and it was perfect.
i was feeling really good when i got up from my nap, and soon after, our friends started showing up. when i realized what was going on, i got really excited. i'm happy i didn't know about it, bc i would've been stressed about cooking, the state of the house, etc.... instead, i got to enjoy myself in the company of people i love, without any worry. i am really grateful to ed for having done this for me, it was great.
on sunday, i had a nice breakfast with ed and the kids, then my sister and ricardo took sena and aiyana at their house for a couple of hrs, while ed and i went for a hike in the woods. it was raining and gray, but it still felt very beautiful to be walking by the river, amongst the trees. it was just nice to be outside. at the end of the hike, we sat down and read "the vision" by Tom Brown, which was a nice way to end our time together.
on sunday night, ed took the kids while i went to a blessingway for my friend Sue. it was very beautiful, intimate and touched me deeply. what a perfect thing to do on my birthday! not to mention that Sue surprised me wtih the best home-made blueberry crisp i ever had. mmm...
and the celebration continued into monday, when my friend Andela baked another amazing cake for me at the women's circle. all this was so nice and touching, and i feel like it's been the best birthday ever. above all, i feel so grateful to have these amazing, caring, loving, interesting people in my life!
at sue's house, after i blew the candle in my cake, someone asked me if i made a wish. and i said no... she said, go ahead, you can still make it...so i thought for a while, and the honest answer was that i really had no wishes to make, i'm just really happy with my life as it is....
peace
i really feel surrounded by people who love me...
sena and aiyana made me a sweet necklace and bracelet, which i love to wear. they're colorful, vibrant, and very special to me because they remind me of the way my kids love me.
going into the weekend, i was actually a bit overwhelmed, since we had so many things planned. i told ed and the kids that i wanted to keep my bday really low key, although i did feel sad not to be able to celebrate with friends.
on saturday morning i had some time to myself, which was very nice; i went to the cafe and read, and then i sat by eagleville dam, looking at the water and the ducks floating by, and listening to the ice crack. when i got back home, we took sena to her dance class, and aiyana to the park. then we went to the co-op and finally back home for a nap. while at the co-op, unbeknownst to me, ed invited a bunch of our friends, who also happened to be there, over to our place that night, for a surprise gathering. it was very last minute, and it was perfect.
i was feeling really good when i got up from my nap, and soon after, our friends started showing up. when i realized what was going on, i got really excited. i'm happy i didn't know about it, bc i would've been stressed about cooking, the state of the house, etc.... instead, i got to enjoy myself in the company of people i love, without any worry. i am really grateful to ed for having done this for me, it was great.
on sunday, i had a nice breakfast with ed and the kids, then my sister and ricardo took sena and aiyana at their house for a couple of hrs, while ed and i went for a hike in the woods. it was raining and gray, but it still felt very beautiful to be walking by the river, amongst the trees. it was just nice to be outside. at the end of the hike, we sat down and read "the vision" by Tom Brown, which was a nice way to end our time together.
on sunday night, ed took the kids while i went to a blessingway for my friend Sue. it was very beautiful, intimate and touched me deeply. what a perfect thing to do on my birthday! not to mention that Sue surprised me wtih the best home-made blueberry crisp i ever had. mmm...
and the celebration continued into monday, when my friend Andela baked another amazing cake for me at the women's circle. all this was so nice and touching, and i feel like it's been the best birthday ever. above all, i feel so grateful to have these amazing, caring, loving, interesting people in my life!
at sue's house, after i blew the candle in my cake, someone asked me if i made a wish. and i said no... she said, go ahead, you can still make it...so i thought for a while, and the honest answer was that i really had no wishes to make, i'm just really happy with my life as it is....
peace
Friday, February 08, 2008
2 questions
two questions i've been asked with increasing frequency lately:
when is sena going to school?
and,
what am i going to do now (since the kids are supposedly more independent)?
i'm a little taken back by these question, and since they're occuring frequently and often my responses meet with judgement (and looks too), i feel that i'd better work on some answers....
so for sena (and aiyana) going to school...the best i can say is that at the moment i am considering all alternatives. from public school, to homeschooling and everything in between. i've been reading on different models of education (such as montessori, waldorf, homeschooling, unschooling, etc). there are many ideas i'm drawn to in what i read, and what i come accross when speaking to other parents and educators. i'm also reflecting a lot on my own education, or lack thereof, on what i want or do not want for my children in light of my experience. of course, sena and aiyana's own input will play an important role when deciding what kind of schooling to undertake. and finally, as my friend Sue advised me, i'm planning to take things slowly, one year at a time. maybe we'll try homeschooling, or motessori, for a semester and then decide that it's not working for us, and send our kids to public school. or vice-versa.
as for question #2, what am i going to do now? hmm, i don't know, walk in the woods, paint, sing, be really involved with my kids, write...well, these are not acceptable answers to that particular question, because i know that the people who ask it assume that the answer will come in the form of some kind of job or career. as of right now, i'm not investing any energy in anything of the sort. maybe in a few years, depending on the kid situation and our financial needs (which will hopefuly be kept to a minimum as they've been so far), i'll look for something to do part-time, something that pays. maybe i'll teach anthropology at a community college, maybe i'll work at the co-op, maybe i'll go back to school. maybe i'll grow mushrooms and sell them (shiitakes are supposed to be easy to grow and they sell for $12 per pound, organic, at the co-op).
we'll see...
peace
when is sena going to school?
and,
what am i going to do now (since the kids are supposedly more independent)?
i'm a little taken back by these question, and since they're occuring frequently and often my responses meet with judgement (and looks too), i feel that i'd better work on some answers....
so for sena (and aiyana) going to school...the best i can say is that at the moment i am considering all alternatives. from public school, to homeschooling and everything in between. i've been reading on different models of education (such as montessori, waldorf, homeschooling, unschooling, etc). there are many ideas i'm drawn to in what i read, and what i come accross when speaking to other parents and educators. i'm also reflecting a lot on my own education, or lack thereof, on what i want or do not want for my children in light of my experience. of course, sena and aiyana's own input will play an important role when deciding what kind of schooling to undertake. and finally, as my friend Sue advised me, i'm planning to take things slowly, one year at a time. maybe we'll try homeschooling, or motessori, for a semester and then decide that it's not working for us, and send our kids to public school. or vice-versa.
as for question #2, what am i going to do now? hmm, i don't know, walk in the woods, paint, sing, be really involved with my kids, write...well, these are not acceptable answers to that particular question, because i know that the people who ask it assume that the answer will come in the form of some kind of job or career. as of right now, i'm not investing any energy in anything of the sort. maybe in a few years, depending on the kid situation and our financial needs (which will hopefuly be kept to a minimum as they've been so far), i'll look for something to do part-time, something that pays. maybe i'll teach anthropology at a community college, maybe i'll work at the co-op, maybe i'll go back to school. maybe i'll grow mushrooms and sell them (shiitakes are supposed to be easy to grow and they sell for $12 per pound, organic, at the co-op).
we'll see...
peace
sweet julia
for some months now, i've been taking care of Julia, my little niece, two mornings a week, while my sister and Ricardo are at work. she's such a little sweetheart, such a pleasure to have around. she's really easy-going, and seems to always be in a good mood. she definitely brightens our days when she's with us.
here are some pictures of her and my kids. julia started loving homefries and eggs, which we have for breakfast every morning, so now when she comes over that's the first thing she asks for. she has her own place at the table, her own little plate and fork, but unfortunately we haven't been able to find a chair that she really likes (she always wants aiyana's and that causes a bit of tension since aiyana's pretty uptight about her stuff. sena usually shares with julia much better....)
in this picture, the girls wanted to sit on the couch and relax; they were very specific about each having her own blanket... (the red stuff around julia's mouth is ketchup - she had just finished her homefries)
here are some pictures of her and my kids. julia started loving homefries and eggs, which we have for breakfast every morning, so now when she comes over that's the first thing she asks for. she has her own place at the table, her own little plate and fork, but unfortunately we haven't been able to find a chair that she really likes (she always wants aiyana's and that causes a bit of tension since aiyana's pretty uptight about her stuff. sena usually shares with julia much better....)
in this picture, the girls wanted to sit on the couch and relax; they were very specific about each having her own blanket... (the red stuff around julia's mouth is ketchup - she had just finished her homefries)
yearning for closeness
lately, i've been feeling a growing need to connect and communicate. not just with people, but with animals, plants, and Nature in general. it's as if the emptiness i've been experiencing on and off over the past 2 months cleared me up and made space for this. this need to feel connected manifests itself quite strongly, in the form of a vague restlessness that underlies my everyday state. i also experience it in dreams, very strongly, in the form of incredible closeness to a person (who often changes form). these dreams are pure bliss, very hard to wake up from. i know that the feeling and energy i experience through these dreams is real; and i've also come to realize that since it takes different forms, i should not get attached to any one in particular.
but lately, i've been experiencing the need for connection beyond dreams, into my waking life; and beyond humans. it's hard to say this without sounding odd, but i feel like i really want to find a way to communicate with trees, rocks, hawks and other life forms in my immediate surroundings. i feel as if there's something they're trying to tell me or teach me, but i'm unable to receive it yet.
when i stand in front of my house, overlooking the fields and the woods, i feel calm and peaceful; at the same time, i feel a strong sense of anticipation, like something is about to happen, but i'm too insensitive to capture it. so i'm working on honing my senses, maybe developing new ones. i know that i can't communicate with Nature solely though my intellect, which unfortunately, at the moment, is the only thing i really know how to use.
reading books like "grandfather" by Tom Brown, and now "mycellium running" by Paul Stamets give me clues as to how i can approach life and nature in different ways. but books are books, and they will only get me so far - so for the most part, i'm on my own, experimenting, stumbling....
one thing that's already happened due to my desire for closeness with nature is that sometimes i feel less self-centered. it's a great relief, and i feel like i'm one step closer to feeling part of everything else.
i know, on a very deep level, that i am connected to everyone and everything, but i yearn to feel it, to live it with all my being, not just my head.
that is where i am....
peace
but lately, i've been experiencing the need for connection beyond dreams, into my waking life; and beyond humans. it's hard to say this without sounding odd, but i feel like i really want to find a way to communicate with trees, rocks, hawks and other life forms in my immediate surroundings. i feel as if there's something they're trying to tell me or teach me, but i'm unable to receive it yet.
when i stand in front of my house, overlooking the fields and the woods, i feel calm and peaceful; at the same time, i feel a strong sense of anticipation, like something is about to happen, but i'm too insensitive to capture it. so i'm working on honing my senses, maybe developing new ones. i know that i can't communicate with Nature solely though my intellect, which unfortunately, at the moment, is the only thing i really know how to use.
reading books like "grandfather" by Tom Brown, and now "mycellium running" by Paul Stamets give me clues as to how i can approach life and nature in different ways. but books are books, and they will only get me so far - so for the most part, i'm on my own, experimenting, stumbling....
one thing that's already happened due to my desire for closeness with nature is that sometimes i feel less self-centered. it's a great relief, and i feel like i'm one step closer to feeling part of everything else.
i know, on a very deep level, that i am connected to everyone and everything, but i yearn to feel it, to live it with all my being, not just my head.
that is where i am....
peace
Monday, February 04, 2008
back from canada
driving back to CT yesterday was not quite aseasy as the drive up to Montreal. this time, i definitely wished the DVD player were working... but at least both kids had a nap, so the last 2 hrs of the drive were quiet. and the weather conditions were pretty good, so all in all things went ok.
but for some reason, i've been feeling stressed since i got home last night. i think it's because i have a really busy week ahead, with things planned every day. i really don't like that, having so many plans and commitments. i like taking each day on its own, and assessing the mood of the kids, and my own before deciding what to do... i've been living like that for the past 2 years and i love it.
i don't even know why this week is stressing me out so much... what commitments do i have? i have to drive to Manchester and renew my driver's licence; i have to take the kids swimming twice, then sena starts a new dance class, and ed has a bee keeping class one night. there are other things i need to take care of that i don't remember. oh, and we also misplaced 2 library books and they're due and it's bugging me that i can't find them.
but, i read a nice quote in one of my dad's papers this past weekend, and it went something like "life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how in how you respond to it". we all know this, of course, but it's nice to be reminded in such plain language. so i think that my problem right now is simply bad attitude, and i have to work with that.
oh, and something exciting that's going on right now is that i got this book i wanted about mushrooms "mycelium running" by Paul Stamets, and i'm really excited about reading it and possibly growing my own mushrooms.
peace
but for some reason, i've been feeling stressed since i got home last night. i think it's because i have a really busy week ahead, with things planned every day. i really don't like that, having so many plans and commitments. i like taking each day on its own, and assessing the mood of the kids, and my own before deciding what to do... i've been living like that for the past 2 years and i love it.
i don't even know why this week is stressing me out so much... what commitments do i have? i have to drive to Manchester and renew my driver's licence; i have to take the kids swimming twice, then sena starts a new dance class, and ed has a bee keeping class one night. there are other things i need to take care of that i don't remember. oh, and we also misplaced 2 library books and they're due and it's bugging me that i can't find them.
but, i read a nice quote in one of my dad's papers this past weekend, and it went something like "life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how in how you respond to it". we all know this, of course, but it's nice to be reminded in such plain language. so i think that my problem right now is simply bad attitude, and i have to work with that.
oh, and something exciting that's going on right now is that i got this book i wanted about mushrooms "mycelium running" by Paul Stamets, and i'm really excited about reading it and possibly growing my own mushrooms.
peace
Friday, February 01, 2008
lhasa
thanks to my parents who gave me her 2004 CD "the living road" (i love that title), my passion for Lhasa's music has been rekindled. i decided to check youtube and found a beautiful performance of de cara a la pared.
and this is el desierto.
and this is el desierto.
in montreal
i just had a great shower, long, and without any kid interruptions. what a treat!
my mom is watching sena and aiyana downstairs, and they're all very happy playing, dancing, drawing, etc.
we're in montreal, and i am very excited.
we had a great drive up here yesterday. although it didn't start so well, things worked out in the end. i found out at the very beginning of our trip, that the car DVD player i rented from the library was deffective. i was expecting lots of disappointed crying and fussing from the kids, and a very long drive. but, happily, i was wrong. they were amazingly understanding when they saw me try to make it work, to no avail. i told them that we'd watch their movies at buca's house in montreal, and they accepted it without any fussing. since we got here, they've been so interested in everything else, that they forgot all about the movies...
the drive took about 5.5hrs, with only one major stop. sena and aiyana entertained themselves with singing and story-telling; bird watching was also a big pass-time. we saw hawks, red-tailed hawks mostly; we saw one being chased and pecked at by two crows, which the kids really enjoyed. the most exciting sighting was a bald eagle. we saw it in vermont, in the southern part, and it was exciting because bald eagles are not so common in these areas. i never saw one in connecticut (ed did though), but i did see lots of them in Washington state, on the west coast, a few years back.
all in all, i was very pleasantly surprised by how well our trip went. it was also quite beautiful - i don't drive here so often anymore (about twice a year), so i forget how beautiful the landscape is, especially in vermont. the way the highway meanders through the mountains, and little things like the bare trees on the side of the road, are very special to me.
i realized, while driving and musing, that for me, the beauty of winter lays mostly in what is not revealed; but rather in what i know is present, hidden, waiting to emerge when time is right. the trees for example, are bare at this time of year, and they look dead. the life they embody is hidden deep inside - it's only a potential; yet in not so long, these same trees will bud, and leaves will open. they will attract birds, insects, and all kind of animal life. they will be vibrantly alive, and thinking of that makes me happy.
i love the cycles of nature, and how they reveal themselves in all living things, myself included. it used to be that when i felt drab and bleak and hopeless, i thought that something was wrong with me; i usually jumped on the first thing that promised relief (often getting myself in trouble); i'm a little more aware now, i have more experience and feel more in touch with Life and Nature; so i know that often, feeling dead and hopeless, is just one part of the cycle. when i feel this way now, i try to draw inwards, see if there are any things i need to shed or let go of; and recognize if there are any things that are trying to emerge, allowing them to do so. often, what seems like a dead end, is only a renewal.
i actually went through this not long ago, in december and part of january. it seems to be coming to an end now, just as spring is on its way (groundhog day tomorrow, don't forget); i can feel new seeds of hope and possibility sprout inside of me, just as i know they are deep inside the frozen ground...
peace
my mom is watching sena and aiyana downstairs, and they're all very happy playing, dancing, drawing, etc.
we're in montreal, and i am very excited.
we had a great drive up here yesterday. although it didn't start so well, things worked out in the end. i found out at the very beginning of our trip, that the car DVD player i rented from the library was deffective. i was expecting lots of disappointed crying and fussing from the kids, and a very long drive. but, happily, i was wrong. they were amazingly understanding when they saw me try to make it work, to no avail. i told them that we'd watch their movies at buca's house in montreal, and they accepted it without any fussing. since we got here, they've been so interested in everything else, that they forgot all about the movies...
the drive took about 5.5hrs, with only one major stop. sena and aiyana entertained themselves with singing and story-telling; bird watching was also a big pass-time. we saw hawks, red-tailed hawks mostly; we saw one being chased and pecked at by two crows, which the kids really enjoyed. the most exciting sighting was a bald eagle. we saw it in vermont, in the southern part, and it was exciting because bald eagles are not so common in these areas. i never saw one in connecticut (ed did though), but i did see lots of them in Washington state, on the west coast, a few years back.
all in all, i was very pleasantly surprised by how well our trip went. it was also quite beautiful - i don't drive here so often anymore (about twice a year), so i forget how beautiful the landscape is, especially in vermont. the way the highway meanders through the mountains, and little things like the bare trees on the side of the road, are very special to me.
i realized, while driving and musing, that for me, the beauty of winter lays mostly in what is not revealed; but rather in what i know is present, hidden, waiting to emerge when time is right. the trees for example, are bare at this time of year, and they look dead. the life they embody is hidden deep inside - it's only a potential; yet in not so long, these same trees will bud, and leaves will open. they will attract birds, insects, and all kind of animal life. they will be vibrantly alive, and thinking of that makes me happy.
i love the cycles of nature, and how they reveal themselves in all living things, myself included. it used to be that when i felt drab and bleak and hopeless, i thought that something was wrong with me; i usually jumped on the first thing that promised relief (often getting myself in trouble); i'm a little more aware now, i have more experience and feel more in touch with Life and Nature; so i know that often, feeling dead and hopeless, is just one part of the cycle. when i feel this way now, i try to draw inwards, see if there are any things i need to shed or let go of; and recognize if there are any things that are trying to emerge, allowing them to do so. often, what seems like a dead end, is only a renewal.
i actually went through this not long ago, in december and part of january. it seems to be coming to an end now, just as spring is on its way (groundhog day tomorrow, don't forget); i can feel new seeds of hope and possibility sprout inside of me, just as i know they are deep inside the frozen ground...
peace
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)