molting

the theme at our last women's circle, which was amazing / inspiring / etc.etc., was molting. this came up unexpectedly, as so many nice things do.

shandra, my neighbour and the woman who held the circle, has a pet terantula who molted a few days before we met. she brought the molt to the circle and presented it to us as we began. the molt itself was really cool, and had she not told us what it was i would've thought it was the real spider.

this, of course, sparked a lot of conversation about Henry, the tarantula, about other arachnids, insects, animals, and so on and so on, as new topics kept spinning off...
eventually, we thought that it would be nice to tie molting back to ourselves:
what, in our lives, would we like to molt? and what, if anything, would we like to replace it with?

we all took a few minutes of silence and sat with these questions. each of us then spoke and shared her thoughts into the circle when we were ready. as each woman spoke, nobody interrupted. we'd just let her speak and listen, and then, when she was done, we took a few minutes to sit with what had been said.

i can't share what the other women shared in the circle. but i can share my input and my impressions.

as the other women sat and thought, i, who was holding aiyana, who was getting very restless, walked in circles around a great big tree near which we sat. as i walked, aiyana got calmer, and inward, it became clear to me that what i'd like to molt the most is fear and the need to control. these, to me, are closely related, and are two aspects i come across often in my dayly life.

molting these, i saw myself as more vulnerable and open, more comfortable with uncertainty. i had this mental immage of myself being right there, on the edge, and being ok with it. not planning or trying to control the next moment, or the rest of my life. but just being ok with the darkness, with the uncertainty, with "the edge".

it felt really great to share this into the circle. and it felt even more amazing to hear the other women share intimate wishes, fears, dreams, etc. as each of us spoke, i felt myself completely absorbed into this powerful, beautiful place we created. at one point i was so moved by the whole thing, i felt like i was going to explode if i could not express my joy at what whas going on. i felt that everyone there was so beautiful, so perfect, just as they were. i also felt that, as each woman spoke, different parts of myself spoke. it was very intense, very emotional, and really empowering to be part of this. and i felt a great big love running through me.

the intensity came down, of course, as soon as we broke the circle and got onto different topics. but some of that power is still with me, and if i think about it for long enough, it grows and grows. it makes me so happy that i can be with people and share our most intimate selves like this. i know now, that for me, this intimacy is essential. i cannot be happy or whole if i can't relate to people on this level.

what's also pretty amazing, is what happened in the days and weeks after the circle. this came as a total surprise. basically, my wish came true. when i spoke about molting fear and the need to control, it was like speaking a fantasy. i didn't even give it a thought as to when or if that could actually happen. but over the following days, as things came up in my daily life, things that would normally make me tighten, be stressed or just uncomfortable, i found myself just thinking "this is the edge".
what happened is not that my situation got better or was "solved" in any way; instead, my grip, my tightness, whatever that thing is that takes a hold of me at those uncomfortable moments, just eased up a little bit. it just loosened, and so i was able to live with the situation as it was, without reacting too much to it.

this happened over and over, as different scenarios came up during the day (one typical scenario: sena just peed on the floor, i'm trying to wipe it, aiyana is criying and trying to crawl through the pee, and the phone is ringing; etc).
at first i didn't notice things changing, but after a few days, it suddenly dawned on me that almost every time stressful things happen, this voice says to me "this is the edge" and then i instantly feel better, more free and relaxed.

i don't claim my wish coming true to be a miracle or anything weird. i just think that i was ready for it to happen. ready to let go a little bit more. ready to release some of the fears i've been living with. and i think it took a concrete event, actually verbalizing things, like i did in the circle, in order for things to start changing in a visible way.

(please don't take this too seriously).

peace

back to CT

my trip to montreal ended up being really nice. i got to rest a little bit once my dad came home and could help with child care (he was esp. helpful in going up and down the stairs watching aiyana's butt, and just generally keeping after her). so i got to rest, and i went to fairmount and got some bagels, and just had fun in traffic, watching people and smiling at them when they're giving me the finger.

the drive back yesterday was amazing. i was nervous that it was going to turn into a screaming fest, having both sena and aiyana with me, but things went really smoothly. we took a break in a beautiful spot in vermont, right before we hit white river junction. we had a little picnic on the grass, overlooking mountains with beautiful trees. we played chase and sang along with aiyana's favorite battery-operated book. it felt really nice to be out and breathe the cool air while the sun warmed our skin.

now we're back to our routine and it feels very nice and comforting. i'm feeling great, full of energy, looking fwd to the women's circle tonight and to the rest of the week.

peace

in montreal

so i made it to montreal. aiyana and i drove here yesterday, and the drive lived up to my highest hopes. aiyana was an angel in the car - no fussing at all.
for some reason, i expected the drive to be the hardest part of this trip, and i thought that once i'd get here it would be really relaxing. it turns out that the kids are a lot harder to look after here, which i should've known, cuz everything is so new for them and the house is not childproof (which i don't expect it to be). so between aiyana constantly going up and down the stairs with me right behind her, (or screaming in frustration if we don't let her), and all the potential accident sites i have to keep her away from, i find myself exhausted, more so than i've been in a while; even though my mom is trying her best to help. i think this is actually pretty tiring for her too...
so today, after not sleeping too well last night, we decided to go to NDG, to walk around the places i know from when i lived there. all in all we had a good time. my mom came and she helped a lot with the kids. we walked around, got croissants at the bakery, and eventually ended up in a park where sena and aiyana had fun playing. it was nice for me to be able to show sena the places that are close to my heart. the traffic, on the other hand, was not so nice. wow! i forgot how crazy it can get. but we made it without too much pain.

i'm glad to be here, esp since i also hope to see my good friends...but i have to say that i already miss the trees and just the general peaceful atmosphere i got used to where we live.

i feel that this is getting lame, so i'll have to stop here...

peace

sena in montreal

sena went up to montreal with my parents. they left this afternoon, and i am already feeling all...weird in my stomach, kind of hard to describe, but maybe you know what i mean. this is the furthest she's ever been away from me. but she was so excited at the idea of going, and she kept telling me not to worry, so we packed her stuff at the last minute and she went. my parents were here to visit my sister and her new baby Julia, and none of us had planned for sena to go back with them.

so i am looking fwd to an easier week, but at the same time now i have to deal with this weird feeling of being away from her. it's like, everything i love about her, which is everything, just stands out so much more when she's away. like how, for example, things were getting a bit intense the other day, aiyana was crying and sena was screaming, and then instead of losing it, i just turned on the radio, and they were playing some kind of techno/trance stuff, and i just started dancing and jumping and being really crazy with my arms up in the air and my hair flying all over the place. they just stood there, wide-eyed for a little while, as if trying to figure out what this was all about, and then they both started dancing and being all crazy too. and aiyana can't even walk yet, but she tries really hard, so she was just holding on to the stereo and bouncing up and down in place.

aiyana and i will be driving up to mtl to pick sena up on thursday, and we'll be there till sunday. so that's really exciting, i'm looking fwd to being back, to chocolate croissants and other good things.

peace