Montreal

It feels really good to be back here. It still feels like home to me. I'm so grateful that my parents are still healthy and here to receive me, and also they've been here to provide a home for Aiyana while she's studying at McGill.

Reflections on my 53rd Birthday

On my 53rd birthday, I've had the opportunity and the leisure to take a little time, and I wanted to share some of my reflections here.

I've realized that I am no longer young - young, but still young enough. Not young enough to be nervous and insecure so much of the time, but young enough to have dreams and be excited about them, and possibly even be okay when they don't work out. Do you know what I mean? 

I have a certain amount of experience, a certain amount of wisdom. I still have enough energy and good health to do the things I want. For that, I am so grateful.

Fundamentally, I deeply understand now that nobody is going to come and save me. I have everything I need to answer the most pressing questions myself. And if I don't have the answers right now, then somehow I've come to trust that life will allow me to come to an understanding. All I need to do is hold the questions in a sincere way.

Though I love to inquire and explore and see what others have thought, I realize that nobody else's answers will ever fully suit our particular situation. So, while it is important to reach out to others and learn from their experiences—while that is absolutely fundamental—at the same time, our experience is unique and, as such, will have unique answers.

I have also realized that everything is possible in every way—in good ways and not so good ways, in pleasant ways and in painful ways. On a personal level for example, it is possible to have connections that were deep and meaningful be severed and fade away. It is possible to misinterpret, to be misinterpreted, and for that misunderstanding to bring pain on both sides.

And yet, it is also possible to learn about letting go and still somehow hold on to a bit of sweetness. I think sometimes that maybe that metaphor is not so bad, maybe the best way to live is a little bit like the proverbial leaf blowing in the wind—releasing what needs to be released, moving with life, and yet somehow still adhering to a set of unshakable fundamentals. Is that even possible? I don't know. I'll let you know when I do.

In more tangible terms, I realized—happily—that some of the major things that have always driven me are still here with me, like trusty, reliable old friends. Even though I have neglected them at times, they are still part of me, as strong as ever.

For example, my intellectual curiosity, which has always been a great source of joy and connection in m life, as far as I can remember. It is still here! I am as curious as ever, as excited as ever, to learn about so many things. For example, I want to dive into art and art history. I want to educate myself on culture, on Iran and Turkey, on Nietzsche and the ancient Greeks, on architecture, on the Middle East. I want to understand more about physics. I want to understand, in fundamental terms, what a field is, what gravity truly is, what these forces that shape our reality mean at their core. What is the meaning of a unifying theory? Is there such a thing?

I want to read Proust. I want to read Stalinistkin. I want to learn more about classical music and different kinds of music. I want to travel—I know that I want to travel. I want to keep learning.

And, very importantly, I want to contribute. I realize that while nobody has the full answers, together, we all hold part of the answer. When done with good intention, our efforts can truly help a world that has always needed so much help—and now, still, urgently needs to contribute in our own positive, unique ways. I believe I have some things to contribute, and I am excited to do so.

So these are some of my reflections, and this is where I find myself on my 53rd birthday. If I had to sum it up, I would say that I feel a sense of openness, a sense of freedom, a sense of excitement, and also a sense of sadness—a deep acknowledgement of how muddled things can become, both on a large scale and on a personal scale. Not everything will turn out the way we hope, even when it's right and good. But there is a sense of freedom and lightness in acknowledging that, and moving on to doing things with a good heart anyway.

I am grateful for my life and everything I've learned and experienced, and I hope to be able to keep learning and contributing in a positive way. Thank you for reading this blog, still.

Peace