saturday morning, unplanned

i just came from the lake, where i went on a whim earlier this morning.
lately, my time off on saturday mornings has become stressfull, because i have so many things i want to do, that i end up wanting to cram everything in too short a period of time. i want to go have coffee and read, i want to go to the gym, go to the woods, i want to write, you get the idea. then, what happens is that regardless of what i'm doing, i end up thinking of what else i could be doing, putting pressure on myself to hurry, not really enjoying anything. eventually i just get mad at myself for being so greedy, for ruining everything.

this is how it has been the last few times i was by myself, and i decided that it is ridiculous and i have to stop it. so today, i purposely did not make any plans. i still thought of my time alone with anticipation, but i tried not to decide anything i would do in advance; instead, i tried to see how i felt an the moment, and go with that. this was hard, you know how the mind can get so out of control....

i went and got a coffeee and did a bit of reading, which felt alright for a while. then i felt like i wanted to be outside, and the exact place i wanted to be at came to me clearly. i drove to the lake, parked the car, hiked down by the water, found a little rocky beach that was in full sun, and sat down for a while. this mostly felt delicious, and by the time i left, all i could think of was 'thank you'.

so that's how my morning went so far. i'll leave with some quotes i liked from 'the invitation' by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:

"this is the sacred marriage: the coming together of two who have each met themselves on the road. when two who have this intimacy with themselves are fully with each other- whether for a lifetime or for a moment- the world is held tenderly and fed by the image they create simply by being together......
if, having met myself in the empty moments, i am willing and able to bring all of who i am to another, receiving all of who they are, then we are truly together..... this is the fullness of the homecoming for which we all long."

peace

kite flying

here's sena, flying her kite on a wild, windy day, and loving it....

aiyana and i were watching sena in the field in front of our house


peace

egg hunting last sunday

here are some pictures from sena and aiyana's egg-hunt last sunday. they had a lot of fun, and so did ed and i.

ed got the eggs ready in the morning, before the girls and i woke up. he hid some in the house and some outside. sena and aiyana got really excited every time they found an egg; then opening them up to find what lay inside was even better. they loved the beads we got for them in northampton, which ed had put inside the eggs, as well as some nuts, raisins, stickers and hairpins from grandma, and some dental floss, which was a bit odd, but generated lots of excitement anyway...

dig me up

i'm standing in front of our house, peeling a carrot. i'm overlooking a field of dry grass, and bare trees in the distance. despite the fact that everything looks dead, i know that life is pulsing through it all; soon, buds will appear, blossoms will open, and spring will show herself unmistakably.

my kids are outside too, playing, running all around me, laughing, climbing, chasing each other. i wipe their runny noses when they need it, mitigate things when they get into squirmishes, and i try to answer their unending questions and demands as calmly as possible.

like other women in my situation, other stay-at-home-moms, i too ask myself: is this why i went to school all those years? is this why i tried so hard to succeed in my job?
standing at the edge of the field, carrot in hand, the answer comes easily: no, but this is so much better...

i guess i'm lucky that i feel this way. i know, and can see how, someone else wouldn't. it is easy to feel discouraged, having to give up your career, all the hard work you put into it, dealing with the insecurity of returning to work after a few years' absence, clearly at a disadvantage to others... so many have said it, but now i can really appreciate it: it's really hard to be a woman and find yourself torn between the needs of your family and the demands of your career.

i don't know why i've never missed my job. i really liked my colleagues, and i enjoyed what i did most of the time. i guess, though, that by comparison, that life was so much more boring and unfulfilling than the one i'm living now. i find so much richness in my life these days - i know that it's up to me how much of it i let in, how much i open myself to the joy and beauty of each day. definitely, my attitude has changed a lot since having children. i had to let go of a lot of attachments, had to build a lot of tolerance and understanding for other's needs. but somehow, the difficulties of being a mother opened me and allowed me to experience everyday life in a way i wasn't able to before.

on a different note:

sena asked me today: mama, when you're dead, will you still love me? will you remember me after you die?
i didn't know what to say. i can't imagine not loving her...
then, she concluded by saying: mom, after you're dead, i'm going to dig you up so that i can see you. i laughed, but i could also feel how much she loves me.

peace

northampton

ed and i had a great time in northampton (MA) yesterday. i heard a lot about it, and it's only 1hr north of here, so we went, while the kids were with grandma and grampa. we just walked around, ate at a Tibetan restaurant that played great tuva music in the background, went to a bead store, got a chocolate croissant at a little bakery, and sat on the grass in the sun, talking and relaxing just before we came back home. it was very simple and sweet, and i feel that we should do stuff like that more often.

i really liked the bead store, we got some beads for the kids to hide in their easter eggs, and i can't wait to see their excitement. i've never done easter eggs before, so this will be my first time as well as theirs.
i got some really cool jasper stones at the strore, which i made into earings, and i now have as a reminder of the day...

peace

spring equinox

it's spring equinox today! a great reason to celebrate. and it's even better for me because i woke up feeling great, and i only yelled at sena once so far, and i apologized right away and things have been smooth since.

spring is here! little seeds buried deep in the earth have been waiting for this all winter, waiting to sprout and send their shoots up towards sunshine. i saw crocuses and snow drops in bloom in front of the co-op the other day, and i felt such hope and joy....
i hope that you too enjoy this beautiful time of year.

i'll end with these passages i liked from 'Conversations with God':

"your simple truth, simply lived, will offer more beauty, more comfort, more peace, more joy, and more love of self and others than anything you(r earthly fellows) could contrive."

"..one does not do something in order to be happy - one is happy and hence, does something."

i feel that these two passages express not just pretty-sounding ideas, but the truth, at least in my experience.

peace

bikeride

it feels so good to be on my bike again!

this morning, roxi took sena and aiyana, and since the sun was out, i decided that i would ride my bike. the temperature is just perfect - don't need a big coat or anything like that.

i biked to the community center, where i usually go on fridays to work out, but today i decided that working out indoors is kind of sacriligeous, so i just went there to shower instead (the water pressure's not too good at our house, and with my long hair it takes forever to rinse out all the soap). i guess gym membership does have its priviledges...
the only tricky part was that in my effort to carry with me as little as possible (only 2 books in my bag...), i forgot to bring a towel, so drying myself was tricky, and getting my clothes on was in itself a workout.

then i got back on my bike, and came to UConn for a little snack, and quick email check; soon i'll be off to find a quiet spot where i can read my book.

i was talking to ed last night, and i realized that what i really want to work on, in my relationship with the kids, with him and everyone else, is learning how to be firm but loving. i have a very hard time with that. i don't like to be firm, or confrontational, or anything along those lines. to me, being loving has meant giving even when it has been at my own expense, which i think is ok, but within limits. my daily interraction with the kids have made me realize that being firm and setting clear boundaries, as to what is and is not acceptable, is essential. i also realized that it's important for them to see that i respect myself and take care of myself by putting up these boundaries, because otherwise they'll keep pushing until they find the limit. they love to test...as all parents know.

so my challenge right now is how to say to people close to me: 'these are my needs' in a loving and respectful way, while still helping them to take care of their own needs. i haven't been doing this too well so far, and what happens is that when things get to be too much, and i fall apart, the whole family falls apart. so in a way, taking care of myself, is not just for my benefit, but for the harmony of our family as a whole. the tricky part is also not to go too far the other way. not to become too selfish or self-centered.

i have to say that i'm very grateful to my kids and ed for 'forcing' me to deal with this issue. it's been something i've been needing to do for a long time, but i never felt supported or safe enough to do it in other relationships.

these are my thoughts right now, and i'll stop here bc it's too nice outside to be in front of a computer.

peace

peace

crazy

i've experienced so much anger this week. i don't know what's going on, but things just about overwhelmed me yesterday. the kids have been pushing me to my limits, on and off throughout the day, every day since monday. i also haven't been sleeping great, which is magnifying things considerably.

when aiyana is whining a lot, or sena is defiant, i get so mad sometimes, i just don't know what to do. i can feel myself getting to the boiling point, and i try to calm down, but if the kids keep pushing, i just can't get myself out of it, and i yell at them (a lot), which i really don't like. so i've been mad at them, mad at myself for not handling things better, mad at everyone for whatever reason i can think of.

but, we had a wonderful women's circle on monday, where i laughed and felt totally relaxed. and the kids have had some really sweet moments interspersed with the things they did that drove me crazy. like at one point, i was mad at sena, for being so picky with her food, and disrespectful towards me (she asked for pasta, after being indecisive and whiny for a long timer, and when the pasta came she said she din't want it...); i was also starting to lose it with aiyana, who was being demanding, and asking everything in a really annoying whiny voice. so i was in the kitchen by myself, after having yelled at both of them, trying to calm down; they were quiet for a few minutes in the living room. then they came in to see me, and sena showed me her empty bowl - she had eaten all the pasta. then aiyana said to me in a really sweet, reconciliatory voice "happy birthday, mama, happy birthday". it was obvious that it was the nicest thing she could think of to make me feel better. i started laughing, and things lightened up....

things are lighter today than they have been the rest of the week, and i'm trying to enjoy every small moment of peace that comes my way...

gorgeous day

wow, what a gorgeous day today! it's sunny, and 52F.i'm sitting outside in the sun, with no coat, only a sweater. the kids are playing on the grass, having a great time. they're laughing so much, and their cheeks are red from running and playing.
i just cleaned the car, which was really getting nasty, with all kind of stuff on the floor - bunny crackers, raisins, toys, socks, old leaves, you get the idea. when i finished cleaning, the kids and i noticed some tiny green shoots barely poking their head out of the ground! this is so exciting! i think the little shoots are tulips, but i could be wrong. whatever they are, it only means one thing, spring is almost here!

waking up in the morning over the past couple of weeks, sena and i noticed more and more birds chirping outside our window. it seems like every day, there's a different chirp, a different type of song joining in.

we had some plans for going to the library or the community center today, but as soon as we stepped out the door, we knew that we weren't going anywhere. this beautiful warm sun is much too good to be missed. i feel that this flexibility of changing plans on a whim, of doing what we want when we want, is one of the greatest things about staying home with my children. in general, i try not to make and hard plans, knowing that things always go best when i go with the mood of the kids, and when i make decisions based on what's happening that day, that moment.

i hope that you too, feel joy and renewal with the coming of spring.

staying with it

a couple of days ago, sena was whiney, and in a bad mood. i was getting frustrated with her being demanding and uncooperative, and i asked her what's wrong; she said 'i'm just having a hard day'. i tried to be supportive, but i told her that she has to stop being so demanding, bc i had julia and aiyana to look after as well.

things went ok, not great, but manageable, for the morning, and then just before lunchtime, we got in the car to bring julia to roxi's house. sena was crying, but then she stopped, and as i pulled out of the driveway, she said again: 'i'm just having a difficult day, eveyone has a difficult day sometimes". i told her that that's true, everyone does, and then i asked her what we can do to make it better. and she said 'you can't do anything'. which, after a moment struck me as very wise, and then to clarify, i asked her ' you just have to stay with it?' and she said 'yes'.

i've been thinking about it on and off, and i am so grateful that we had this exchange. 'staying with it' is something i feel i need to keep practicing. this is especially relevant for me right now, because lately, i find myself trying to escape myself, my feelings, and my situation, whenever something bothers me. so if i get sad about something, i try to distract myself all kinds of ways (reading, thinking of something else, etc.) instead of just feeling the sadness. of course, the sadness does not leave, it just comes on stronger later.

i've been trying to ackowledge whatever i'm feeling or going through, instead of dismissing it or trying to escape, and i noticed that when i make an effort to 'stay with it', the intensity comes down considerably, or even disappears altogether.

so sena went throuugh whatever she was experiencing that day, and she knew that i was there if she needed me, but she didn't force herself to be anything other than she was, and i didn't push her either. soon enough, she was playing again, having a good time. i wish these skills would come as easily to me as they do to her, but at least i'm grateful to have her remind me sometimes....

on a separate occasion, a few nights ago, sena and i went out for a "date". we went to the laundromat, and to the restaurant. sena wanted a special cookie from the falafael restaurant, so i took her there. then she wanted to get samosas for aiyana, so we also went accross the street, to the indian restaurant. driving back to the laundromat, i asked her if she was happy, and she said "i'm happy". i said "is there anything i can do to make you happier?", and she said "i can't be any happier than this", which was so sweet and so sincere, it almost made me cry.

peace

this works for us

this winter, i found a cold remedy that really seems to work for me and the kids. we all got a bad cold at thanksgiving, and since then, despite the fact that people around us got colds at various times, we either did not catch them at all, or if we did, they've been very mild and barely disrupted our daily lives.

so here's what i've been doing different since thanksgiving:
at the first signs of a cold (which for me is usually a scratchy feeling in the throuat, and for the kids is a runny nose), i take:

1 dose of echinacea (i use tincture, the highest quality i can find, from a source i can trust. it's pretty expensive, about $30 for a 4oz bottle, but i think it's definitely worth it);
one vitamin C tablet(500mg), and
one Zinc tablet (23mg)

i do this 3 times a day at the first signs of a cold, then taper it down to once a day over the next 3 days or so.

i've done echinacea and vitamin C before, but that wasn't enough for me; (before having kids, i barely ever got sick, but now i find i'm exposed to a lot more viruses and things going around at playgroups, etc. so in the past 2-3 years, i've been getting colds that lasted days or even weeks sometimes. my throat would hurt a lot the first few days, and then i'd get blocked sinuses that kept me up at night for days). i found that when i added the zinc, things changed a lot. i've had 3 very mild colds since, which lasted at most 3-4 days, and consisted of a mild runny nose that didn't bother me at night. same thing with the kids, if they got anything at all it's been really mild.

zinc is known for boosting the immune system, and while i believe it's not recommended for long-term daily use, it is for short-term use.

of course, when i give the above formula to the kids, i give doses appropriate for their age and size. i have special kids' echinacea, and i give them quarter doses of zinc. they don't like vitamin C, so i give them elderberry concentrate, which is very high in vitamin C and other antioxidants, and is supposed to help with colds. (they also love it).

so i just want to say that this works for us, but may not work for everyone. also, we don't take any pharmaceutical drugs, so i can't tell how these supplements compare to conventional cold medications, or what effects they would have if taken together. if you're interested, you may want to consult a naturopath, or do your own research...
i just wanted to share it in the hope that it may be useful to you, as it has been to us.

peace