Lettuces and kissing cows

Lettuces are sprouting the greenhouse. Always so exciting to see new life coming out of the ground!
And a big slurpy kiss from Jasmine.

Peace

Sena and Aiyana's 2017 reflections and 2018 goals

A couple of weeks ago, I asked the girls to write an essay reflecting on 2017, and delineating some goals for 2018. This is Sena's essay, and this is Aiyana's.

Peace

Your best gifts

Your best gifts to the world,
are sometimes your mistakes
your pain
those messy things

you'd rather rid yourself of.

As long as you can hold them
for long enough
while they pry your heart open
just long enough 

so they can be transformed 
so you can find the love
to heal yourself and others

My words, Cherese's painting.

What I'm afraid of

I've been exploring the theme of fear a lot recently. I am conflicted about sharing this very personal stuff in such an impersonal, exposed medium, but I decided to do it anyway, in hope that it may help someone who may be dealing with some of the same fears, or any fears really, to know we're not alone.

What I'm afraid of:

Being seen for who I really am

Not being seen for who I really am

Asking for what I need

Expressing how I feel

Intimacy
Conflict

Saying no

Disappointing you

The hand raised up against me

The yelling

That look upon your face

The feeling when the stomach's twisting

and all is vertigo

Not knowing the difference between what I can and cannot change

Making the wrong decision

Missing the last chance

That I will yell for help,

like in those dreams,

and nothing will come out

and you won't hear me

Not having enough
Having too much

Emptiness

Hurting you

Wasting your time

Wasting my time

Pretense

That fear is stronger than love
That I can't trust myself

Betraying you

Betraying myself

Falling into the void inside myself

I have been dealing with these fears and others most of my life. They come and go in cycles; at times they get resolved, and I get to a different level, and then a situation will trigger them to come back and I realize they're still there, just in a different circumstance, a different level. I'm starting to accept that living and dealing with fear is a lifelong process. I'm trying to view fear like a fickle friend, here to tell me something, to warn me sometimes, and other times just a straight out liar. Telling the difference is the challenge.
Peace

More of Cherese's work

I've been sharing Cherese's work with you because I think it's so amazing and I don't know of an online place where we'll be able to see it once the physical exhibit in Willimantic is taken down after next weekend.

This is the lovely altar space that you walk through to enter the exhibit

I really love this piece. Although I never went, I know that Cherese had a sweat lodge at her house and I imagine these are some of her ceremonial things

This right away reminded me of "I want to fly, but my wings have been so denied" from AIC

What this one makes me think of is "fire in the belly". Have you ever felt that? I have, in different ways: pain in childbirth, excitement, fear, loss.

I feel like this exhibit has brought our community together, physically, in one place, and has allowed us to open up to these intense feelings that we all feel but mostly hide from each other, in a public space. That is an amazing gift!

There will be a memorial for Cherese on February 9th at the Storrs Congegational Church.
RIP Cherese.

Mother, by Cherese

My sister, the quintessential mother, really likes this painting of Cherese's. I do too. We were both struck by that question on the right "What next?"

Peace

No Fear

Moonlight

The ocean

Kinship

The poets

Music

Love

As if that weren't enough -

The earth will take us back one day

Close to her body

There is nothing to fear

Painting by Cherese Mathews

We can laugh

Will you stand beside me

On the brink of this abyss 

Of fear and hope 

Knowing that you can't save me 

And I cannot save you?

Will you stand beside me 

Where we can see the depths

And we cannot pretend? 

I know that we can laugh,
right there at the edge
in spite of the abyss.

The words are mine, the picture is Cherese's,  and it's called Free fall.

So easily

You can still shatter me

so easily

A glance, a certain tone, a question

Is all it takes

To make me feel I'm wrong in being me

It takes some days of breathlessness

To find the place again 

Where I am home 

The poem is mine, the painting is Cherese's (I took this picture of it at her amazing art show).

In remembrance of Dolores O'Riordan

I'm wearing my Doc Martens today in remembrance of Dolores O'Riordan, lead singer of The Cranberries, who died earlier this week. Rest in peace Dolores, and may your family find peace. Why are we losing all these young talented people? It's heart breaking.

I got my Doc Martens in 1995 and wore them a lot, so they're pretty beaten up. Now I only put them on for special occasions.

"Hold on to love" is a quote from When you're gone.

Peace

RIP Cherese

We lost an incredibly beautiful and powerful woman this week, who I was lucky enough to know for a few years. Even in her struggle with cancer, she gave of herself. Last weekend, before she passed away, there was an exhibit, an art show or her life's work - paintings, drawings, journal writings and other personal, beautiful things. I went to see it and felt very moved and honored to be in the presence of this material that was so real and so raw. I know that her work and her life, and especially the way she shared it all even when she was not at her best, has touched me and will stay with me forever.

I will go back to see the exhibit again, because there was too much there to simply take in in one go. But for now, I have some notes in my journal that I took when I was there last weekend, and I want to share them with you. They're just bits and pieces which I copied from her various writings, some of them written while she was undergoing chemo in the hospital.

From Cherese's writings:

Who will you give the rest of your life to?

You don't even know me 

I don't define you that way

My life has been ruled by fear

It's time for the fear to die

I want to live

I'm tired of walking in fear

I cannot carry this any longer. I am enough.

Fuck you.

Know me

See me

So very afraid

Alone inside of alone

Empty nothingness

Why not live on the yellow brick road?

So many of us are missing you and grieving for you, Cherese. You gave so much. You gave of yourself. What else is there? Thank you and rest in peace.

Tarakanova

Princess Tarakanova, imprisoned in the Peter and Paul Fortress at the time of the flood, by Konstantin Flavitsky. So amazing!

Simple winter pleasures

Fresh snow on the ground and a hot drink when you come back indoors

Let's show them that we care too

Would you please watch this video put together by CSI Youth Group, (less than 2 minutes long), and help them save the MMPA?

If you're inspired to share it with others, you can do that from CSI Youth Group Facebook Page.

Thank you!
Peace

Destroyed but not defeated

"A man can be destroyed, but not defeated", said Hemingway-

I'm not afraid.

My weakness and my strength-

I won't resist.

I stray outside the bounds

you've set up to control me

I give and I keep giving

of what I am,

till I am nothing.

That is how I am strong

Real fleece

Don't feel like knitting yourself a sweater? You can always wear the whole sheepskin.

Peace

Message from a dream

I had one of my recurring dreams last night: in the distance, I saw a guy with a huge gun, more like a mini-tank. I was petrified, and felt he was going to start shooting any time. I started running away in panic, and told other people to run. But as it happens in dreams, my running was way too slow, and I felt like I was moving through molasses. I was further weighed and slowed down by the overwhelming fear of the guy and his gun. Eventually, the guy caught up with me, and usually this is where my recurring dream ends, and I wake up terrified. But this time, he passed by me, barely acknowledged me, and kept going. It turned out he wasn't interested in me at all, and my fear had been misplaced.

I woke up and when I remembered this dream, first I felt like laughing, then I felt a weight lifting off. I really needed this message- that sometimes our fears, which seem so real and powerful, are simply not grounded. Sometimes they are, but not every time, and it helps to remember that we don't know, even though in those fearful scenarios we build inside our heads, we feel like we do know how everything will go down.

I've always had plenty of fears about plenty of things, but I am grateful for the truth that this dream revealed, and how it allowed me to laugh about fear, and let go a little bit.

Peace

Thank you NYC!

As the Trump administration plans to open up ocean coasts to massive gas and oil exploration, without regard for long term consequences to the already imperiled ocean ecosystem, and ultimately ourselves, NYC divests 5 Billion dollars of city pension funds from fossil fuels. Thank you New York and well done! Here's more from The New York Times.

 

And this is a link from NRDC where you as a citizen can add your voice to Stop The Trump Administration’s Offshore Drilling Assault

Please sign it if you can, and thank you! 

Peace

Classic Romanian Painter

Nicolae Grigorescu, probably the most famous of the classic Romanian painters

Snow

Remember how it feels to play in the snow?

Leopold Guterbock

Not as young or fair-skinned and my broom is a different style, but other than that, it could be me.


Peace

Beautiful life advice from someone who saw clearly

I came across this on FB, and although I'm not a big fan of FB, this, I thought, was worth sharing. It's from a 27-yr-old woman, treminally ill, who recently passed away, and before she did shared her clarity in this love-filled message.


A bit of life advice from Hol:
It’s a strange thing to realise and accept your mortality at 26 years young. It’s just one of those things you ignore. The days tick by and you just expect they will keep on coming; Until the unexpected happens. I always imagined myself growing old, wrinkled and grey- most likely caused by the beautiful family (lots of kiddies) I planned on building with the love of my life. I want that so bad it hurts.
That’s the thing about life; It is fragile, precious and unpredictable and each day is a gift, not a given right.
I’m 27 now. I don’t want to go. I love my life. I am happy.. I owe that to my loved ones. But the control is out of my hands.
I haven’t started this ‘note before I die’ so that death is feared - I like the fact that we are mostly ignorant to it’s inevitability.. Except when I want to talk about it and it is treated like a ‘taboo’ topic that will never happen to any of us.. That’s been a bit tough. I just want people to stop worrying so much about the small, meaningless stresses in life and try to remember that we all have the same fate after it all so do what you can to make your time feel worthy and great, minus the bullshit.
I have dropped lots of my thoughts below as I have had a lot of time to ponder life these last few months. Of course it’s the middle of the night when these random things pop in my head most!
Those times you are whinging about ridiculous things (something I have noticed so much these past few months), just think about someone who is really facing a problem. Be grateful for your minor issue and get over it. It’s okay to acknowledge that something is annoying but try not to carry on about it and negatively effect other people’s days.
Once you do that, get out there and take a freaking big breath of that fresh Aussie air deep in your lungs, look at how blue the sky is and how green the trees are; It is so beautiful. Think how lucky you are to be able to do just that - breathe.
You might have got caught in bad traffic today, or had a bad sleep because your beautiful babies kept you awake, or your hairdresser cut your hair too short. Your new fake nails might have got a chip, your boobs are too small, or you have cellulite on your arse and your belly is wobbling.
Let all that shit go.. I swear you will not be thinking of those things when it is your turn to go. It is all SO insignificant when you look at life as a whole. I’m watching my body waste away right before my eyes with nothing I can do about it and all I wish for now is that I could have just one more Birthday or Christmas with my family, or just one more day with my partner and dog. Just one more.
I hear people complaining about how terrible work is or about how hard it is to exercise - Be grateful you are physically able to. Work and exercise may seem like such trivial things ... until your body doesn’t allow you to do either of them.
I tried to live a healthy life, in fact, that was probably my major passion. Appreciate your good health and functioning body- even if it isn’t your ideal size. Look after it and embrace how amazing it is. Move it and nourish it with fresh food. Don’t obsess over it.
Remember there are more aspects to good health than the physical body.. work just as hard on finding your mental, emotional and spiritual happiness too. That way you might realise just how insignificant and unimportant having this stupidly portrayed perfect social media body really is.. While on this topic, delete any account that pops up on your news feeds that gives you any sense of feeling shit about yourself. Friend or not.. Be ruthless for your own well-being.
Be grateful for each day you don’t have pain and even the days where you are unwell with man flu, a sore back or a sprained ankle, accept it is shit but be thankful it isn’t life threatening and will go away.
Whinge less, people! .. And help each other more.
Give, give, give. It is true that you gain more happiness doing things for others than doing them for yourself. I wish I did this more. Since I have been sick, I have met the most incredibly giving and kind people and been the receiver of the most thoughtful and loving words and support from my family, friends and strangers; More than I could I ever give in return. I will never forget this and will be forever grateful to all of these people.
It is a weird thing having money to spend at the end.. when you’re dying. It’s not a time you go out and buy material things that you usually would, like a new dress. It makes you think how silly it is that we think it is worth spending so much money on new clothes and ‘things’ in our lives.
Buy your friend something kind instead of another dress, beauty product or jewellery for that next wedding. 1. No-one cares if you wear the same thing twice 2. It feels good. Take them out for a meal, or better yet, cook them a meal. Shout their coffee. Give/ buy them a plant, a massage or a candle and tell them you love them when you give it to them.
Value other people’s time. Don’t keep them waiting because you are shit at being on time. Get ready earlier if you are one of those people and appreciate that your friends want to share their time with you, not sit by themselves, waiting on a mate. You will gain respect too! Amen sister.
This year, our family agreed to do no presents and despite the tree looking rather sad and empty (I nearly cracked Christmas Eve!), it was so nice because people didn’t have the pressure of shopping and the effort went into writing a nice card for each other. Plus imagine my family trying to buy me a present knowing they would probably end up with it themselves.. strange! It might seem lame but those cards mean more to me than any impulse purchase could. Mind you, it was also easier to do in our house because we had no little kiddies there. Anyway, moral of the story- presents are not needed for a meaningful Christmas. Moving on.
Use your money on experiences.. Or at least don’t miss out on experiences because you spent all your money on material shit.
Put in the effort to do that day trip to the beach you keep putting off. Dip your feet in the water and dig your toes in the sand. Wet your face with salt water.
Get amongst nature.
Try just enjoying and being in moments rather than capturing them through the screen of your phone. Life isn’t meant to be lived through a screen nor is it about getting the perfect photo.. enjoy the bloody moment, people! Stop trying to capture it for everyone else.
Random rhetorical question. Are those several hours you spend doing your hair and make up each day or to go out for one night really worth it? I’ve never understood this about females 🤔.
Get up early sometimes and listen to the birds while you watch the beautiful colours the sun makes as it rises.
Listen to music.. really listen. Music is therapy. Old is best.
Cuddle your dog. Far out, I will miss that.
Talk to your friends. Put down your phone. Are they doing okay?
Travel if it’s your desire, don’t if it’s not.
Work to live, don’t live to work.
Seriously, do what makes your heart feel happy.
Eat the cake. Zero guilt.
Say no to things you really don’t want to do.
Don’t feel pressured to do what other people might think is a fulfilling life.. you might want a mediocre life and that is so okay.
Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with everything you have.
Also, remember if something is making you miserable, you do have the power to change it - in work or love or whatever it may be. Have the guts to change. You don’t know how much time you’ve got on this earth so don’t waste it being miserable. I know that is said all the time but it couldn’t be more true.
Anyway, that’s just this one young gals life advice. Take it or leave it, I don’t mind!
Oh and one last thing, if you can, do a good deed for humanity (and myself) and start regularly donating blood. It will make you feel good with the added bonus of saving lives. I feel like it is something that is so overlooked considering every donation can save 3 lives! That is a massive impact each person can have and the process really is so simple.
Blood donation (more bags than I could keep up with counting) helped keep me alive for an extra year - a year I will be forever grateful that I got to spend it here on Earth with my family, friends and dog. A year I had some of the greatest times of my life.
..’Til we meet again.
Hol
Xoxo

Way to go Montreal!

Great news out of Canada: Montreal started the new year by banning single use carry out plastic bags. Why is this important? Plastic bags pollute land and water, do not biodegrade, and they kill many land and marine animals as they get wrapped around or swallowed by them.

Throw it away? There is no away! Thank you Montreal!

More on it here:

http://montrealgazette.com/news/local-news/four-things-about-montreals-plastic-bag-ban

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/montreal-plastic-bag-ban-canada-city-law-a8140576.html

Peace

Snow storm makes for cozy time indoors

Fire, a good book, and a warm drink are so inviting, when you come in from the cold...

I read great reviews about this new translation of Anna Karenina, and my parents got it for me for Christmas, along with some other great books, and some yarn for knitting.

 Peace

Blizzard

It's crazy and beautiful out there.

Here are the cows this morning. They can go inside the barns any time they want to, but this cold doesn't bother them. They're very hardy, and prefer to be outdoors. The time of the year when they're most unhappy is fly season, especially around July and August.

The barn area looks so pretty

Had to get out the sleigh to carry my milking equipment.

Enjoy this beautiful snowy day!

Kafka and Monsted

A couple of days ago, Aiyana was looking at a picture of me when I was about 6 or 7, and she said, "Mama, your eyes are the same". Which almost made me cry, because my eyes don't feel the same to me, from inside where I am. I feel so little connection to that person, after all that happened in the meantime, and I'd like to feel more. 

As adults, we must find ways to see again with our original eyes; eyes that may be wiser, but no less enchanted or trusting or eager; we must acknowledge yet see past the things we have been taught, past the hurts we have suffered, past everything that clouds our vision, our sensibilities, and our connection to the earth and each other.

"Life's splendor forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its fullness, but veiled from view, deep down, invisible, far off. It is there, though, not hostile, not reluctant, not deaf. If you summon it by the right word, by its right name, it will come."- Franz Kafka

Peder Mork Monsted