so people have gone to the moon and other crazy places like that, and yet there are so many things we don't know about our own planet, the plants and animals that share it with us, not to mention ourselves. what is that? i think it may be partly arrogance, but that may be cuz i'm in a certain frame of mind right now. ed pointed out that a lot of times you need to go elsewhere in order to learn more about where you're at. which i can definitely see...
i guess my thoughts on this subject stemmed from my recent musings on how self-centered and arrogant, and mostly how ignorant we humans are, thinking that we are so special, and so "superior" to other beings. i'm reading a book on whales and dolphins, and it's so amazing to realize just how much there is we don't know or understand about these beings and so many others like them. we don't even know how to start approaching them. we study them as "scientific subjects", which i guess is a valid form of inquiry, but to really know a being is so much more involved, so much beyond that. i'm actually glad that we don't know that much about them, and i think it behooves us to maybe humble ourselves a little and just get comfortable with the unknown...
well so now let me get to writing what i really wanted to say today:
i've been really getting into cooking lately. that happened for several reasons: one, i have to feed my family, and i want them to eat healthy home-cooked meals. i also like them to enjoy their food, so i do my best. i love it when sena says "this is really good", or when i see aiyana comp down every last morsel. two, and this is a very selfish reason, but nonetheless very important, is that cooking has become an outlet for my creativity for lack of others at this time. there are lots of other things i'd like to do, such as drawing, or body movement, etc, but these things are difficult to do with children, esp. with a 1-yr-old. hopefully i'll be doing them more and more as time goes by. but for now, cooking has become a major outlet of creative energy.
so i've been making lots of stews and soups, which are really nice and soothing in the winter. i've been using nice, quality vegetables, mostly grown by our good friends, brian and anita, and other things such as lentils, mung and adzuki beans, and all kinds of grains i get at the co-op. i built up a nice collection of spices, so now i can throw together a dish pretty quickly. i try, as much as possible, to use stuff that's in season, like root veges in the winter for example, in the spirit that whatever makes these vegetables get through the winter is also probably going to be good for us as it becomes part of our bodies. this is a principle of macrobiotics, and one that makes intuitive sense to me. the other day, i cooked a kick-ass russian borsch. with lots of cabbage, beets, carrots, and other root vegetables. i got the recipe from the original mosewoods cookbook, and i really love it. it's been a big hit with anyone who's tried it so far. i took out 2 more cookbooks out of the library the other day, one of which i want to buy simply because it's beautiful. some of the recipes seem really good too, but it's the art-work that i love. it's the famous "enchanted broccoli forest" cookbook. the other one is a "soups and stews from moosewoods", or something like that, and it has lots of amazing looking recipes, esp. for wintertime. i'm looking fwd to trying the "eastern european root vege soup" from it. i'll let you know how it turns out if i remember.
hoping you enjoy your food, and the energy it gives you...
peace
raluca
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
thank you faye
mon jan 29th
"don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you." (Robert Fulghum)
so much truth to that. i have to admit, that when sena acts particularly nice, caring, considerate, and so on, i pat myself on the back quite a bit. the reverse is true a well. fortunately there aren't many instances when she acts mean. she has problems with sharing her stuff sometimes, but i think age has a lot to do with it, and i can tell she's getting better. also, sometimes she can be too blunt, to the point of hurting someone's feelings. she'll say for example "i don't like so-and-so". so i try to explain that she's entitled to her feelings, but she should not be so rough in expressing them. i offered an alternative, and now she'll mostly say "i'm not comfrotable with so-and-so", which usually goes over a lot better with people. but what disturbed me the most, was when she said one day "i want to kill something". i have no idea where that came from. or what she was talking about. but it was very disturbing, esp. since we rarely talk about killing, and when we do it's usually about not killing. i think it may be from hearing conversations about hunting with grampa. or maybe she's just toying with us, cuz she gets a reaction when she says it. this is what ed thinks. i guess it's not really a big deal, she only said it twice and has dropped it since, but i have to admit i got worried.
after my last blog entry, my long-time, long-lost friend faye posted a kind reply. so here's something else i'd like to admit :
i have to admit that it's really nice when people express interest and say nice things about my writing in this blog. as i've said before, the major impetus behind my writing is to share and connect with people, so in that respect it feels really good when i get honest positive feedback.
ed and i have a friend, johnny, who's a very special person. to me, his gift is that he can tell stories. he tells all kinds of stories, mostly from his life and the lives of people he's come across. he's certainly had lots of
that's all for now...
enjoy this beautiful winter!
peace
Monday, January 22, 2007
misguided
mon jan 22nd
just came back from the co-op, and the kids are sleeping. had some excellent ethiopian coffee and some dark chocolate while we were there, plus some interesting, fun conversation with friends, and after all of that i am feeling pretty high.
while driving back home, paula abdul's "straight up" played on the radio. the energy of it matched my mood and i turned it up. different feelings came up as the music transported me back to the summer of...i guess i don't remember the year exactly. i was maybe 17-18, and i was working in a women's boutique on st. catherine street in montreal. it was my first job, and i was very excited about it. i was still new to canada, still learning the language, getting used to the people, etc.
it was around this time that i started being obsessed with my appearance. i saw beauty, physical beauty ("as seen on TV"), as the key to meeting people, making friends, fitting in and just plain the key to my happiness. as a result, i started losing a lot of weight, basically starving myself.
the summer was hot and sunny. my clothes were getting tighter, shorter, more revealing. this seemed to be working, in the sense that i was getting more and more attention. that it wasn't the kind of attention i really wished for was not an issue at the time. anything was better than nothing, and in those days i was so lonely and so alone that i craved human connection more than anything else.
one day i was working in the boutique, and this woman walked in. she was very attractive, in her 20's, and i would've done anything to be like her. i stared at her the entire time she was in the store, with a mixture of envy and admiration. i had to help her with some clothes she wanted to buy, and feeling very courageous before she left, i asked her the question that was on my mind: "how much do you weigh?". she gave me a puzzled look - i must've taken her by surprise. my accent and the nature of my question must have made an interesting combination. she answered me, nevertheless. i said thank you, and then she walked out. i stared out behind her.
at that time, it seemed very important for me to know how much this woman weighed. because if i could weigh that much too, then i'd be just like her: beautiful, happy and perfect.
eventually i got myself weighing a lot less than what she had told me (the idea was - the less, the better), to the point where my hair started falling out and my period stopped. but the promise i had seen in her, and the perfect lives of those skinny beautiful women i saw on TV never really materialized for me. i wasn't thrilled about my hair falling out, (that didn't seem too attractive), so i stopped dieting (reluctlantly), and slowly got back to a healthier state.
17 years later i am listening paula abdul's song in my car, driving my children back from the food co-op. i feel happy and light. i want to open the window (it's cold outside), and sing along, but the kids are falling asleep so i keep it in. i am wearing second hand clothes from Sal's boutique (Salvation Army thrift store). i have gray in my hair. my body has bore 2 children, and my face is showing signs of middle age. i wear no make-up, no jewelery. i am a lot heavier than i would have considered acceptable way back then. but none of that matters. i feel good. i feel beautiful and radiant. i am alive, intense energy burning inside me. i am happy to be who i am, looking like me, not like anyone on TV.
so many things have changed...yet, some things stayed the same: i still love coffee, and chocolate. i still seek meaningful connection with people. (i now also seek it with other things, like trees and animals). still love to have fun, love to dance when i hear a good tune. it took me a long time, but i finally learnt that what i was looking for has nothing to do with my bodyweight, with the length of my dresses, with the amount of money i have, or any such things. i've discovered that the trick for me is to share my joy openly with those i seek to connect with and then, most of the time, people will respond and things will go from there. it's about how much i put myself out there, how much i open my heart, how much i am ready to share myself, my pain and my joy with others.
so now that i know, i look back with a bittersweet feeling over the journey that brought me here, over the many incidents that tought me the things i needed to know. i am grateful for everything that happened, because it's just so sweet to feel the joy in ordinary things without doing anything special but letting go.
just came back from the co-op, and the kids are sleeping. had some excellent ethiopian coffee and some dark chocolate while we were there, plus some interesting, fun conversation with friends, and after all of that i am feeling pretty high.
while driving back home, paula abdul's "straight up" played on the radio. the energy of it matched my mood and i turned it up. different feelings came up as the music transported me back to the summer of...i guess i don't remember the year exactly. i was maybe 17-18, and i was working in a women's boutique on st. catherine street in montreal. it was my first job, and i was very excited about it. i was still new to canada, still learning the language, getting used to the people, etc.
it was around this time that i started being obsessed with my appearance. i saw beauty, physical beauty ("as seen on TV"), as the key to meeting people, making friends, fitting in and just plain the key to my happiness. as a result, i started losing a lot of weight, basically starving myself.
the summer was hot and sunny. my clothes were getting tighter, shorter, more revealing. this seemed to be working, in the sense that i was getting more and more attention. that it wasn't the kind of attention i really wished for was not an issue at the time. anything was better than nothing, and in those days i was so lonely and so alone that i craved human connection more than anything else.
one day i was working in the boutique, and this woman walked in. she was very attractive, in her 20's, and i would've done anything to be like her. i stared at her the entire time she was in the store, with a mixture of envy and admiration. i had to help her with some clothes she wanted to buy, and feeling very courageous before she left, i asked her the question that was on my mind: "how much do you weigh?". she gave me a puzzled look - i must've taken her by surprise. my accent and the nature of my question must have made an interesting combination. she answered me, nevertheless. i said thank you, and then she walked out. i stared out behind her.
at that time, it seemed very important for me to know how much this woman weighed. because if i could weigh that much too, then i'd be just like her: beautiful, happy and perfect.
eventually i got myself weighing a lot less than what she had told me (the idea was - the less, the better), to the point where my hair started falling out and my period stopped. but the promise i had seen in her, and the perfect lives of those skinny beautiful women i saw on TV never really materialized for me. i wasn't thrilled about my hair falling out, (that didn't seem too attractive), so i stopped dieting (reluctlantly), and slowly got back to a healthier state.
17 years later i am listening paula abdul's song in my car, driving my children back from the food co-op. i feel happy and light. i want to open the window (it's cold outside), and sing along, but the kids are falling asleep so i keep it in. i am wearing second hand clothes from Sal's boutique (Salvation Army thrift store). i have gray in my hair. my body has bore 2 children, and my face is showing signs of middle age. i wear no make-up, no jewelery. i am a lot heavier than i would have considered acceptable way back then. but none of that matters. i feel good. i feel beautiful and radiant. i am alive, intense energy burning inside me. i am happy to be who i am, looking like me, not like anyone on TV.
so many things have changed...yet, some things stayed the same: i still love coffee, and chocolate. i still seek meaningful connection with people. (i now also seek it with other things, like trees and animals). still love to have fun, love to dance when i hear a good tune. it took me a long time, but i finally learnt that what i was looking for has nothing to do with my bodyweight, with the length of my dresses, with the amount of money i have, or any such things. i've discovered that the trick for me is to share my joy openly with those i seek to connect with and then, most of the time, people will respond and things will go from there. it's about how much i put myself out there, how much i open my heart, how much i am ready to share myself, my pain and my joy with others.
so now that i know, i look back with a bittersweet feeling over the journey that brought me here, over the many incidents that tought me the things i needed to know. i am grateful for everything that happened, because it's just so sweet to feel the joy in ordinary things without doing anything special but letting go.
coffee again
wed jan 17th 2007
so i'm drinking coffee again. it took about 2 or 3 weeks to get back into the habit. just couldn't stay off. and i'd say this is indicative of my level of resolution with things in general. so i figure since i can't kick the habit, i might as well make the most of it, enjoy it as much as i can. it certainly feels good to drink coffee - the clarity in my head, the energy boost, the comfort of the ritual... hopefuly the negative effects will be minimal, given that i'm keeping it to 1 cup a day and i don't even have it every day. but enough of this for now.
the other thing that's going on with me recently is that my breathing is not so good. this has been an ongoing "problem" for years, since i moved to the US actually. it usually is triggered by anxiety - like when i came here, for example, i had a lot of anxiety about the changes i was about to go through and what i was leaving behind me in montreal. my breathing tightened up as a result. just didn't feel easy and comfortable. it felt like i was struggling to get enough air. not a pleasant thing to deal with, esp since the more i focus on it, or better said the more i try to control it, the worse it gets.
i also used to have anxiety about my dog stanton, who could be aggressive with strangers. lots of people told me that i was irresponsible for not having him put down, and part of me knew they were right, since he was liable to hurt someone, yet another part of me could not conceive of such a betrayal to him who was like my family.
so i went to see a doctor about my breathing troubles, for lack of better ideas, and of course she told me to take meds. which of course i didn't, knowing fully well that this is beyond meds, having to do with my state of mind, my inner peace or whatever else you want to call it. i also went to see a shrink, or a counselor i guess she called herself, and she didn't help too much either so i stopped after a few sessions.
eventually i learnt to work with my breathing troubles, to be with whatever was going on without trying to control it. this is really tricky, and i'm still learning how to deal with things, although it's easier now since i have more experience.
my breathing problems have gotten a lot better especially since sena was born 3 years ago. i guess that was such a big change in my life, and it shifted my focus, such that my mind felt less scattered. also, around the same time stanton died, and although i missed him, i have to admit that my worries relative to him went away and that helped.
recently though, my breathing problems have flared up again. don't really know what it's about. i suspect it has to do with trying (too hard?) to balance my life: the needs of the kids, my relationship with ed, having some time for myself and of course taking care of things like cooking, cleaning, etc. most of the time i manage to juggle these things ok, but since christmas it's been harder in some aspects. things with ed have gotten harder, despite the fact that the kids are generally getting easier. ed feels like he's alone too much of the time, like we don't have any time together, and that gets him really down. when he's down,it's hard for me to deal with things, esp. since i have to take care of the kids at the same time. and so eventually i get down, and i get depleted and my breathing gets worse through all of it.
so we're trying to work on having more time together, although realistically the only way this can happen is if someone can take care of sena and aiyana for an hour of two, and this does not happen too often.
but in spite of everything, despite the fact that my breathing seems to be triggered by outside factors, i know that on a deeper level it's all about listening to myself. it seems that the more i look for solutions outside of myself, the worse it gets. it's when i stop and look for answers inside of myself, that my breath gets more relaxed. this happens whether i get any answers or not. it seems that just turning my gaze or my focus in the right direction, is enough.
so on this note, i wish everyone easy breathing and peace.
so i'm drinking coffee again. it took about 2 or 3 weeks to get back into the habit. just couldn't stay off. and i'd say this is indicative of my level of resolution with things in general. so i figure since i can't kick the habit, i might as well make the most of it, enjoy it as much as i can. it certainly feels good to drink coffee - the clarity in my head, the energy boost, the comfort of the ritual... hopefuly the negative effects will be minimal, given that i'm keeping it to 1 cup a day and i don't even have it every day. but enough of this for now.
the other thing that's going on with me recently is that my breathing is not so good. this has been an ongoing "problem" for years, since i moved to the US actually. it usually is triggered by anxiety - like when i came here, for example, i had a lot of anxiety about the changes i was about to go through and what i was leaving behind me in montreal. my breathing tightened up as a result. just didn't feel easy and comfortable. it felt like i was struggling to get enough air. not a pleasant thing to deal with, esp since the more i focus on it, or better said the more i try to control it, the worse it gets.
i also used to have anxiety about my dog stanton, who could be aggressive with strangers. lots of people told me that i was irresponsible for not having him put down, and part of me knew they were right, since he was liable to hurt someone, yet another part of me could not conceive of such a betrayal to him who was like my family.
so i went to see a doctor about my breathing troubles, for lack of better ideas, and of course she told me to take meds. which of course i didn't, knowing fully well that this is beyond meds, having to do with my state of mind, my inner peace or whatever else you want to call it. i also went to see a shrink, or a counselor i guess she called herself, and she didn't help too much either so i stopped after a few sessions.
eventually i learnt to work with my breathing troubles, to be with whatever was going on without trying to control it. this is really tricky, and i'm still learning how to deal with things, although it's easier now since i have more experience.
my breathing problems have gotten a lot better especially since sena was born 3 years ago. i guess that was such a big change in my life, and it shifted my focus, such that my mind felt less scattered. also, around the same time stanton died, and although i missed him, i have to admit that my worries relative to him went away and that helped.
recently though, my breathing problems have flared up again. don't really know what it's about. i suspect it has to do with trying (too hard?) to balance my life: the needs of the kids, my relationship with ed, having some time for myself and of course taking care of things like cooking, cleaning, etc. most of the time i manage to juggle these things ok, but since christmas it's been harder in some aspects. things with ed have gotten harder, despite the fact that the kids are generally getting easier. ed feels like he's alone too much of the time, like we don't have any time together, and that gets him really down. when he's down,it's hard for me to deal with things, esp. since i have to take care of the kids at the same time. and so eventually i get down, and i get depleted and my breathing gets worse through all of it.
so we're trying to work on having more time together, although realistically the only way this can happen is if someone can take care of sena and aiyana for an hour of two, and this does not happen too often.
but in spite of everything, despite the fact that my breathing seems to be triggered by outside factors, i know that on a deeper level it's all about listening to myself. it seems that the more i look for solutions outside of myself, the worse it gets. it's when i stop and look for answers inside of myself, that my breath gets more relaxed. this happens whether i get any answers or not. it seems that just turning my gaze or my focus in the right direction, is enough.
so on this note, i wish everyone easy breathing and peace.
Jane Ormes
tue Jan 16th
i don't know who Jane Ormes is, but these beautiful lines by her were on a card i saw (and bought for myself):
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow...
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain...
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there,
I did not die.
i don't know who Jane Ormes is, but these beautiful lines by her were on a card i saw (and bought for myself):
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow...
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain...
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there,
I did not die.
middle of the night
fri jan 12th 2007
it's 1 o'clock in the morning. i wake up and take in my surroundings. it's dark, and quiet, except for sena and aiyana's regular, deep breaths. i try to go back to sleep, but i am too alert. there's a quiet excitement bubbling up inside me, wanting to get out. i don't know what it's about.
i start thinking. one thing leads to another, unfocused thought...and eventually i am thinking of death again. i imagine myself dying. in the woods. by myself. i see myself letting go, dissolving, and it feels soothing, like a welcome release. the imagery comes by itself with no effort on my part, and i am grateful for its quiet, peaceful essence. death is nothing to be afraid of this way.
for now, i try not to imagine what it's like to die in different circumstances. this is my dream, my imagery, i can make it whatever i want.
then my thoughts turn to the life i have left ahead of me. maybe a day, a week, maybe much longer. suddenly i feel unbeleivably excited about it. it's as if someone gave me a huge gift of time - so nice and unexpected, like saying here is your life, do what you want with it. i feel happy and excited just thinking about the day ahead. i don't have anything special planned. i'll probably just get up, make breakfast, listen to some music, wash aiyana's butt after she poops, draw, read, break up some fights between sena and aiyana, dance, go out to the library, maybe go for a hike, nothing big. yet each one of these things feels so sweet - their simplicity, their mundane nature, the fact that i will get to live and share them with others.
sometimes, like right now in the middle of the night, things are so clear. i make a promise to myself - to try to remember this feeling when i feel worn out, hopeless, despondent.... to live each day and be with whatever it brings, even when it's hard or uncomfortable.
(how do i ever get so lost? how do i forget these things, and end up fumbling in the dark for months at a time?)
eventually i slow myself down enough, and fall back alseep.
it's 1 o'clock in the morning. i wake up and take in my surroundings. it's dark, and quiet, except for sena and aiyana's regular, deep breaths. i try to go back to sleep, but i am too alert. there's a quiet excitement bubbling up inside me, wanting to get out. i don't know what it's about.
i start thinking. one thing leads to another, unfocused thought...and eventually i am thinking of death again. i imagine myself dying. in the woods. by myself. i see myself letting go, dissolving, and it feels soothing, like a welcome release. the imagery comes by itself with no effort on my part, and i am grateful for its quiet, peaceful essence. death is nothing to be afraid of this way.
for now, i try not to imagine what it's like to die in different circumstances. this is my dream, my imagery, i can make it whatever i want.
then my thoughts turn to the life i have left ahead of me. maybe a day, a week, maybe much longer. suddenly i feel unbeleivably excited about it. it's as if someone gave me a huge gift of time - so nice and unexpected, like saying here is your life, do what you want with it. i feel happy and excited just thinking about the day ahead. i don't have anything special planned. i'll probably just get up, make breakfast, listen to some music, wash aiyana's butt after she poops, draw, read, break up some fights between sena and aiyana, dance, go out to the library, maybe go for a hike, nothing big. yet each one of these things feels so sweet - their simplicity, their mundane nature, the fact that i will get to live and share them with others.
sometimes, like right now in the middle of the night, things are so clear. i make a promise to myself - to try to remember this feeling when i feel worn out, hopeless, despondent.... to live each day and be with whatever it brings, even when it's hard or uncomfortable.
(how do i ever get so lost? how do i forget these things, and end up fumbling in the dark for months at a time?)
eventually i slow myself down enough, and fall back alseep.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
recent pics
here are some sweet pictures of Sena and Aiyana, taken over the last month or so.
there are also 2 lansdscapes: the one with the red sky is a sunset shot i took in front of our house; and the one with the evergreens is taken in a favorite spot of mine - i go hiking there a lot and feel very connected to it.
there are also 2 lansdscapes: the one with the red sky is a sunset shot i took in front of our house; and the one with the evergreens is taken in a favorite spot of mine - i go hiking there a lot and feel very connected to it.
little tree
mon jan 8th 2007
maybe it's become apparent from my recent postings that i am not complaining about difficulties with the kids as much as i used to. that's because things are getting easier. slowly but steadily, they are. now i have time to cook breakfast in the morning (and eat it too). sometimes i can even read a page of a book while they're playing (i can read quite a bit when they happen to nap at the same time). i can also talk on the phone more, and the other day i cooked an entire meal, from start to finish, chopping veges, sauteing, cleaning dishes, etc. this morning i sat on the couch and made a drawing, just after we woke up, as sena and aiyana kept themselves busy with their own art project.
so this is all really nice. i can't believe how different things are from a year ago. we still have craziness, of course, several bouts a day, but it's getting more and more manageable. sena and aiyana play together more and more, and it's really nice to watch their interaction (except for when they're fighting over one thing or another, which is quite often, but that's coming along too).
one thing that did not really improve is my relationsip with ed, in the sense that we still barely get any time together. some weeks we get none at all, and our relationship is suffering because of that. i think that this is particularly difficult on him, because we have a different relationship with the kids, and whereas i will usually derive fulfilment from my interaction with them, for him it's not that simple, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. he needs other things to give meaning to his life. i do hope that with time this aspect will get easier, or better, or whatever, cuz' it's not fun feeling that i'm watching our relationship fade and can't do much about it....
i read a beautiful little book recently. it's called "the education of little tree", and it's written by forrest carter. it's a famous book, but i never heard of it till a month ago. it's the story of a little Cherokee boy, growing up in the mountains with his grandparents. it's about their lives and their relationship with Nature and people. i loved it and out of all the books i've read recently, i recommend this one the most. it touched me by its simplicity and authenticity, and i hope its suddle beauty stays with me forever.
here are a couple of passages from it:
"Granma said very few was picked to have the total love of the trees, the birds, the waters - the rain and the wind. She said as long as I lived I could always come home to them, where other children would find their parents gone and would feel lonesome; but I wouldn't ever be."
"The last butterfly flew up the hollow. He rested on a cornstalk...He didn't flex his wings, just set, and waited. He had no purpose in storing food. He was going to die and he knew it. Granpa said he was wiser than a lot of people. He didn't fret about it. He knew he had served his purpose, and now his purpose was to die. So he waited there in the last warm of the sun."
peace
maybe it's become apparent from my recent postings that i am not complaining about difficulties with the kids as much as i used to. that's because things are getting easier. slowly but steadily, they are. now i have time to cook breakfast in the morning (and eat it too). sometimes i can even read a page of a book while they're playing (i can read quite a bit when they happen to nap at the same time). i can also talk on the phone more, and the other day i cooked an entire meal, from start to finish, chopping veges, sauteing, cleaning dishes, etc. this morning i sat on the couch and made a drawing, just after we woke up, as sena and aiyana kept themselves busy with their own art project.
so this is all really nice. i can't believe how different things are from a year ago. we still have craziness, of course, several bouts a day, but it's getting more and more manageable. sena and aiyana play together more and more, and it's really nice to watch their interaction (except for when they're fighting over one thing or another, which is quite often, but that's coming along too).
one thing that did not really improve is my relationsip with ed, in the sense that we still barely get any time together. some weeks we get none at all, and our relationship is suffering because of that. i think that this is particularly difficult on him, because we have a different relationship with the kids, and whereas i will usually derive fulfilment from my interaction with them, for him it's not that simple, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. he needs other things to give meaning to his life. i do hope that with time this aspect will get easier, or better, or whatever, cuz' it's not fun feeling that i'm watching our relationship fade and can't do much about it....
i read a beautiful little book recently. it's called "the education of little tree", and it's written by forrest carter. it's a famous book, but i never heard of it till a month ago. it's the story of a little Cherokee boy, growing up in the mountains with his grandparents. it's about their lives and their relationship with Nature and people. i loved it and out of all the books i've read recently, i recommend this one the most. it touched me by its simplicity and authenticity, and i hope its suddle beauty stays with me forever.
here are a couple of passages from it:
"Granma said very few was picked to have the total love of the trees, the birds, the waters - the rain and the wind. She said as long as I lived I could always come home to them, where other children would find their parents gone and would feel lonesome; but I wouldn't ever be."
"The last butterfly flew up the hollow. He rested on a cornstalk...He didn't flex his wings, just set, and waited. He had no purpose in storing food. He was going to die and he knew it. Granpa said he was wiser than a lot of people. He didn't fret about it. He knew he had served his purpose, and now his purpose was to die. So he waited there in the last warm of the sun."
peace
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
post-holiday stuff
tue jan 2nd 2007
the holidays are over, and i'm happy to be back to my daily routine. i like my everyday life; although the holidays have been nice too - this year, i tried to balance the social events with more personal stuff, and it worked really well. on the 24th, the 4 of us went for a bike ride in the morning, before going to a large family get-together at night. we rode to a farm at UConn, and said hello to the cows, horses and sheep. then on the 25th, aiyana and i went for a hike in the woods, by a river, before heading to another family party. both days, the weather was beautiful, and being outside felt so good. i felt grounded and happy, and it balanced the rest of the day really nicely. being in nature, as usual, brought me a measure of comfort and peace that nothing else can.
unfortunately, my family and i didn't get to spend any time together, because both my grandmothers in romania got seriously ill. so my mother flew over there a week ago to take care of her mother, and my dad is going as well to take care of his mom. my grandmothers are both in their 90's, and up to this point have been totally independent, living on their own and doing everything for themselves. but now, one had a stroke and the other one had surgery, so they're probably both going to need a lot of care for some time. this is difficult, because they have no close family over there, and they'll have to rely on hired help, which in romania is questionable, with all the corruption and people's lack of values, in general.
although it's really hard for us (my sister and parents) to think of our grandmothers in this situation, ultimately we have to make peace with the fact that they're old and they're going to die soon. it's just the natural order of things. I think that if they had a full life, are not suffering greatly, and are going in a dignified way, knowing that they're loved and in the presence of some of those they love, then the thing to do is acknowledge that this is how things go and celebrate their lives. i once read that the most meaningful thing you can do for someone who's dying is to let them know that a part of you is going with them. that they're not alone. if i were dying, i know that this is what i'd want: to know that i'm not alone, and to have someone I love holding my hand.
i started receiving "The Sun", a magazine i really like and have quoted from before. i like it because it's so unpretentious and it does not offer any solutions to anything. the writers just put their stuff out there, honestly and simply, and this way, i think, they resonate with a lot of people. this passage, in which the editor Sy Safransky presents his view, captures the spirit of the magazine, and I really like it:
"A conversation is interesting to me when people are being genuine, when they're more concerned with sharing difficult truths than with showing off. What's the use of striking a pose? We're all in the same boat - mysterious flesh-and-blood creatures, radiant and broken - and of course the boat is sinking, but there's still time to share a story or two as the night comes on."
oh yeah, and before i end, i also want to share that not too long ago, i found…. the meaning of my life. (How do you say this without sounding ridiculos?) maybe I should add that it's not like i didn't know it before; it's been with me for a long time, of course, but now i have words for it. it occured to me that what i'm doing with my life, and what i want to be doing, is to take everything that happens to me, everything i come accross, and transform it into love and joy. i can't see anything i'd rather do, anything more worthwhile.
So how do i take Saddam Hussein, his death and the deaths he caused others, for example, and transform that into love and joy? or, closer to home, how do i take all these little boys in grown men’s bodies, throwing around their power and their ignorance, all these lonely loveless boys that run this country, and transform that into love and joy? And so on….
don’t know yet, but I’ll start with understanding. I’ll let you know what else comes up.
Peace and a Happy New Year
the holidays are over, and i'm happy to be back to my daily routine. i like my everyday life; although the holidays have been nice too - this year, i tried to balance the social events with more personal stuff, and it worked really well. on the 24th, the 4 of us went for a bike ride in the morning, before going to a large family get-together at night. we rode to a farm at UConn, and said hello to the cows, horses and sheep. then on the 25th, aiyana and i went for a hike in the woods, by a river, before heading to another family party. both days, the weather was beautiful, and being outside felt so good. i felt grounded and happy, and it balanced the rest of the day really nicely. being in nature, as usual, brought me a measure of comfort and peace that nothing else can.
unfortunately, my family and i didn't get to spend any time together, because both my grandmothers in romania got seriously ill. so my mother flew over there a week ago to take care of her mother, and my dad is going as well to take care of his mom. my grandmothers are both in their 90's, and up to this point have been totally independent, living on their own and doing everything for themselves. but now, one had a stroke and the other one had surgery, so they're probably both going to need a lot of care for some time. this is difficult, because they have no close family over there, and they'll have to rely on hired help, which in romania is questionable, with all the corruption and people's lack of values, in general.
although it's really hard for us (my sister and parents) to think of our grandmothers in this situation, ultimately we have to make peace with the fact that they're old and they're going to die soon. it's just the natural order of things. I think that if they had a full life, are not suffering greatly, and are going in a dignified way, knowing that they're loved and in the presence of some of those they love, then the thing to do is acknowledge that this is how things go and celebrate their lives. i once read that the most meaningful thing you can do for someone who's dying is to let them know that a part of you is going with them. that they're not alone. if i were dying, i know that this is what i'd want: to know that i'm not alone, and to have someone I love holding my hand.
i started receiving "The Sun", a magazine i really like and have quoted from before. i like it because it's so unpretentious and it does not offer any solutions to anything. the writers just put their stuff out there, honestly and simply, and this way, i think, they resonate with a lot of people. this passage, in which the editor Sy Safransky presents his view, captures the spirit of the magazine, and I really like it:
"A conversation is interesting to me when people are being genuine, when they're more concerned with sharing difficult truths than with showing off. What's the use of striking a pose? We're all in the same boat - mysterious flesh-and-blood creatures, radiant and broken - and of course the boat is sinking, but there's still time to share a story or two as the night comes on."
oh yeah, and before i end, i also want to share that not too long ago, i found…. the meaning of my life. (How do you say this without sounding ridiculos?) maybe I should add that it's not like i didn't know it before; it's been with me for a long time, of course, but now i have words for it. it occured to me that what i'm doing with my life, and what i want to be doing, is to take everything that happens to me, everything i come accross, and transform it into love and joy. i can't see anything i'd rather do, anything more worthwhile.
So how do i take Saddam Hussein, his death and the deaths he caused others, for example, and transform that into love and joy? or, closer to home, how do i take all these little boys in grown men’s bodies, throwing around their power and their ignorance, all these lonely loveless boys that run this country, and transform that into love and joy? And so on….
don’t know yet, but I’ll start with understanding. I’ll let you know what else comes up.
Peace and a Happy New Year
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