let's see if this works...
last friday i took sena and aiyana to the park. they were riding their bikes and having a good time, and i tried to take some video; but, sena felt very strongly that i could not take video while they were riding, only when they were sitting down. so i got them as she explains this rule.
also, notice how aiyana tries to sit exactly like sena, and keeps repositioning her legs. she wants so much to be just like big sis, in everything she does....
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Saturday, September 08, 2007
thank you
thank you for reading my blog. i am very grateful to have for this space in which i can express myself.
looking fwd to more of this...
peace
looking fwd to more of this...
peace
going to romania
i am excited and a little nervous about our upcoming trip to romania. we are leaving this coming wednesday and coming back in 2 weeks. planning to spend half our time in Bucharest with my grandmothers, and the other half in the countryside, (hopefuly) relaxing and enjoying nature.
we're all going, and this will be aiyana's first trip overseas. sena oscillates between wanting to go and not. i am excited about seeing my grandmothers, but a little nervous about how things will go with the kids. it's always a little difficult when we leave our own environment and the routines we're used to. but i'm doing my best to face this, which means that i'm not thinking about it too much, and just trying to be with what's going on at the moment. as of right now, i'm feeling great, and ed and the kids are doing well too. we're almost done with packing (all ed's doing; you know me, i'd be packing the night before, franticvally trying to get everything together at the last minute).
i'm a little sad to be leaving CT at this beautiful time of year. there are apples on the trees, grapes and sumac everywhere, and all kinds of veges in the garden. the trees have already started to change color, and the weather has been amazing - sunny and cool. perfect for sleeping, and for just breathing in and getting that rush of being alive (at least that's how i experience it). but then again, i have come, in the past few years, to really love all the seasons and to see how they mirror so many other things in life. so i guess i have a lot to look fwd to after we come back from romania.
i'm curious as to how i will experience romania this time. how i will see the people, and the life there. in the past, it's been mixed: i was discouraged by the corruption and selfishness, and by the extreme pragmatism permeating the atmosphere; but i was also pleased to meet some people that seemed (despite the surroundings) to have stayed kind and peaceful in their attitude towards themselves and others. this time, i'd like as much as possible to drop my views and concepts about romania and its people, and experience it again.
peace
we're all going, and this will be aiyana's first trip overseas. sena oscillates between wanting to go and not. i am excited about seeing my grandmothers, but a little nervous about how things will go with the kids. it's always a little difficult when we leave our own environment and the routines we're used to. but i'm doing my best to face this, which means that i'm not thinking about it too much, and just trying to be with what's going on at the moment. as of right now, i'm feeling great, and ed and the kids are doing well too. we're almost done with packing (all ed's doing; you know me, i'd be packing the night before, franticvally trying to get everything together at the last minute).
i'm a little sad to be leaving CT at this beautiful time of year. there are apples on the trees, grapes and sumac everywhere, and all kinds of veges in the garden. the trees have already started to change color, and the weather has been amazing - sunny and cool. perfect for sleeping, and for just breathing in and getting that rush of being alive (at least that's how i experience it). but then again, i have come, in the past few years, to really love all the seasons and to see how they mirror so many other things in life. so i guess i have a lot to look fwd to after we come back from romania.
i'm curious as to how i will experience romania this time. how i will see the people, and the life there. in the past, it's been mixed: i was discouraged by the corruption and selfishness, and by the extreme pragmatism permeating the atmosphere; but i was also pleased to meet some people that seemed (despite the surroundings) to have stayed kind and peaceful in their attitude towards themselves and others. this time, i'd like as much as possible to drop my views and concepts about romania and its people, and experience it again.
peace
Friday, September 07, 2007
sena, my teacher
a while ago, i copied these lines in my journal: "...the teachers we need most are the people we're living with now. Our spouses, parents and children are the clearest masters we could hope for.." (Byron Katie, Loving what is).
my experience underscores the truth of these lines over and over again. (and btw, if you feel drawn to this book at all, i recommend it full-heartedly. it's been extremely useful to me so far).
for example:
lately, sena's been "acting up" during quiet time. it used to be that both kids napped in the afternoon, but recently, sena stopped. so instead, we've been doing quiet time, which means that she doesn't have to nap if she doesn't want to, but she has to keep quiet and do something on her own, like reading a book, or playing in another room. this has worked very well for a while. aiyana continued taking her naps, i got some time to rest, and sena did her own thing. but, for the past week or so, we've been having problems. sometimes, sena gets really loud, she keeps nagging me to do stuff for her, and wakes aiyana up. then aiyana gets really cranky bc she's not rested enough, and things are hard for everyone.
yesterday sena was being disrespectful despite the fact that we had discussed things beforehand. she almost woke aiyana up several times. i was tired and in need of a break, so i got very frustrated with sena and the way she was acting. overwhelmed with these emotions, i grabbed her by the arm a lot rougher than necessary, and pushed her on the couch. i was also giving her dirty looks and was generally acting mean. i instantly knew and felt that what i was doing was wrong. i was definitely acting in a way that made both sena and i feel miserable, but i couldn't stop myself. it's like the meaner i got, the more i knew i was hurting myself and her, and yet i could not stop myself.
finally, i sat next to her on the couch, finding it impossible to say anything nice, but at least i didn't grab her anymore or gave her any dirty looks. she was crying at first but then she stopped and just lay there. after a few minutes, i came down a bit and started talking to her. i told her how i didn't appreciate what she was doing, that she was being so disrespectful of aiyana's nap time and my needs. but i also told her that i didn't like the way i treated her, that i didn't want to be that way, but that i just could not control it at the time. i asked her how she felt and she said she felt good with me, and came in my lap. i held her for a while, and it felt really good, and i also felt terrible for the way i had been. i always imagine that when i'm mean i cause some irreparable damage to her, but maybe that's not true. she seems so forgiving, and i also think that talking asbout it and explaining to her why i lose control makes it less scary for her. afetr we sat holding each other for a while, she seemed happy and wanted to play again.
a day later, i was reading the book i refered to above, and found it very helpful in regards to my situation with sena. basically i saw that the problem is not that sena isn't quiet (sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't). the problem is that i continue to expect her to be quiet when experience proves that this is unrealistic. this expectation doesn't change what's happening. mostly, it ends up causing me stress, anger and frustration.
maybe it will get easier for sena to do quiet time on a regular basis as she gets older. for now, i think it's best that i stop expecting it. but then, what about aiyana's nap and my rest? i know that these are very important, so i have to find ways that work for everyone. expecting sena to be quiet has caused me so much stress that it cannot be the right answer.
so this is what it is, being with kids, being with the people that push you to your limits, that get you in your most painful spots. it's a constant challenge, and if i go with it (instead of opposing it), it always brings me understanding and compassion, for myself and everyone else involved. it's the hardest way to live, the most tiring and demanding (also the most freeing). but i don't feel i have a choice.if i refuse to deal with the issues that come up, if i refuse to question my responses situations like these, i am only compounding the problem.
if i tell myself that my problems lie with the kids or ed or anyone/anything outside of myself, i am lying and setting myself up for more.
i feel that my kids and ed are my best teachers because they shove it right in my face. i have no choice but to deal with it, whatever it may be. they reflect back at me the parts of myself that are the hardest to deal with and to change, and they give me no choice. there's no doubt that this is the hardest work i've ever done, but it's also the most rewarding, and right now, the only work that matters.
my experience underscores the truth of these lines over and over again. (and btw, if you feel drawn to this book at all, i recommend it full-heartedly. it's been extremely useful to me so far).
for example:
lately, sena's been "acting up" during quiet time. it used to be that both kids napped in the afternoon, but recently, sena stopped. so instead, we've been doing quiet time, which means that she doesn't have to nap if she doesn't want to, but she has to keep quiet and do something on her own, like reading a book, or playing in another room. this has worked very well for a while. aiyana continued taking her naps, i got some time to rest, and sena did her own thing. but, for the past week or so, we've been having problems. sometimes, sena gets really loud, she keeps nagging me to do stuff for her, and wakes aiyana up. then aiyana gets really cranky bc she's not rested enough, and things are hard for everyone.
yesterday sena was being disrespectful despite the fact that we had discussed things beforehand. she almost woke aiyana up several times. i was tired and in need of a break, so i got very frustrated with sena and the way she was acting. overwhelmed with these emotions, i grabbed her by the arm a lot rougher than necessary, and pushed her on the couch. i was also giving her dirty looks and was generally acting mean. i instantly knew and felt that what i was doing was wrong. i was definitely acting in a way that made both sena and i feel miserable, but i couldn't stop myself. it's like the meaner i got, the more i knew i was hurting myself and her, and yet i could not stop myself.
finally, i sat next to her on the couch, finding it impossible to say anything nice, but at least i didn't grab her anymore or gave her any dirty looks. she was crying at first but then she stopped and just lay there. after a few minutes, i came down a bit and started talking to her. i told her how i didn't appreciate what she was doing, that she was being so disrespectful of aiyana's nap time and my needs. but i also told her that i didn't like the way i treated her, that i didn't want to be that way, but that i just could not control it at the time. i asked her how she felt and she said she felt good with me, and came in my lap. i held her for a while, and it felt really good, and i also felt terrible for the way i had been. i always imagine that when i'm mean i cause some irreparable damage to her, but maybe that's not true. she seems so forgiving, and i also think that talking asbout it and explaining to her why i lose control makes it less scary for her. afetr we sat holding each other for a while, she seemed happy and wanted to play again.
a day later, i was reading the book i refered to above, and found it very helpful in regards to my situation with sena. basically i saw that the problem is not that sena isn't quiet (sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't). the problem is that i continue to expect her to be quiet when experience proves that this is unrealistic. this expectation doesn't change what's happening. mostly, it ends up causing me stress, anger and frustration.
maybe it will get easier for sena to do quiet time on a regular basis as she gets older. for now, i think it's best that i stop expecting it. but then, what about aiyana's nap and my rest? i know that these are very important, so i have to find ways that work for everyone. expecting sena to be quiet has caused me so much stress that it cannot be the right answer.
so this is what it is, being with kids, being with the people that push you to your limits, that get you in your most painful spots. it's a constant challenge, and if i go with it (instead of opposing it), it always brings me understanding and compassion, for myself and everyone else involved. it's the hardest way to live, the most tiring and demanding (also the most freeing). but i don't feel i have a choice.if i refuse to deal with the issues that come up, if i refuse to question my responses situations like these, i am only compounding the problem.
if i tell myself that my problems lie with the kids or ed or anyone/anything outside of myself, i am lying and setting myself up for more.
i feel that my kids and ed are my best teachers because they shove it right in my face. i have no choice but to deal with it, whatever it may be. they reflect back at me the parts of myself that are the hardest to deal with and to change, and they give me no choice. there's no doubt that this is the hardest work i've ever done, but it's also the most rewarding, and right now, the only work that matters.
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