i've been having so many dreams lately. cool dreams, that seem to mean a lot at the time, and i wake up saying to myself "i have to remember this", but them, by morning, i get so busy and i forget. but it doesn't matter, cuz' the feeling stays with me. and the feeling is usually really nice, and reassuring in a deep kind of way.
i've also been having lots of ideas that get me really excited. like, for example, i want to start a women's circle. there's a lot of interest among my friends, and i have a great space for it, outside, at our house. i have so many ideas about what we could do - sharing poetry or any writing that's meaningful to us, drumming, dancing, and so many others. now i just have to get down and do it. start calling people. that's the hard part for me. i like to dream and come up with exciting ideas, but when it comes to action, i get all scattered and lose myself. but we'll see what happens this time, cuz' i'm quite determined to make this happen.
so things have been really good lately. i'm feeling elated quite a lot. don't know if it's the weather, or the beautiful surroundings, or the amazing community i'm surrounded by. or whatever.
but i am so grateful for feeling like this and for being able to share it with others.
there's this woman i've known for about a year now. i don't see her much, but whenever i do, she just floors me. she always manages to say very profound things in a really funny and down-to-earth kind of way. she has 2 children too - a baby aboyt aiyana's age, and an older boy that she homeschools. her house is not the cleanest, and her clothes, well, i guess she sometimes does not change for days. but her way of being, the way she comes accross, i can't really pinpoint it - but each time i leave her i feel like she's just given me so much, i feel so free and so inspired. it's just the way she says things - like she'll take a totally tense / frustrating situation and make fun of it, or make fun of herself, until she turns the whole thing around, and you can't help but laugh. laugh at how crazy things can get, how crazy we can get, all tangled up in out fear and worries.
i think that this woman is so beautiful - and the other day it occured to me that maybe the reason i like her so much is because she reflects a part of me that i really like. you know, just like the reverse is also true. why is it that i get so frustrated and upset with my parents, over nothing at all? i really think that it's because they reflect things i do not like or want in myself. my mom for instance - every time she comes over to help, no matter how much i prepp myself in advance, i end up being rude to her over some incident, something she sadi or did. and then, a day later, i'll find myself doing the exact same thing. it would be funny if it weren't so close to my heart, and if it weren't happening so often...
all is well, always.
(check out the recipe in the previous post also)
peace
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
dahl recipe
here's my favorite dahl recipe. it's really easy to make and tastes good. it's from Madhur Jaffrey's World Vegetarian, slightly modified to my taste.
1cup red lentils
1/4 tsp turmeric
1 1/4 tsp salt
olive oil
1/2 tsp brown mustard seeds
1 red chile (or more if you want it spicier)
1/2 tsp curry powder
at least 4 cloves of garlic (i use around 8)
so you wash the lentils really well. you drain them and put them in a pot. you add 4 cups of water and set on medium heat. when boiling occurs, you turn the heat on low, and add the turmeric and salt. stir once, and let the whole thing simmer on low heat until the lentils are really soft (about 1 hr).
put the olive oil in a separate (small) pan, and set it on medium heat. when the oil is hot, add the mustard seeds. when they start popping (a few seconds), add the chopped chile. stirfry for 30 sec, then add the crushed garlic. stirfry till the garlic is roasted, then add the cury. fry for a few seconds, then turn the heat off, and add the spice mixture to the lentils. mix the whole thing and simmer till lentils are very soft.
i like to eat this with brown rice, which i cook on the side, and some kind of greens. but if i'm too busy or disorganized to make anything else (which is usually the case), it tastes really good on its own too. and it keeps really well in the fridge for about 4 days. i hope you like it too if you try it.
peace
1cup red lentils
1/4 tsp turmeric
1 1/4 tsp salt
olive oil
1/2 tsp brown mustard seeds
1 red chile (or more if you want it spicier)
1/2 tsp curry powder
at least 4 cloves of garlic (i use around 8)
so you wash the lentils really well. you drain them and put them in a pot. you add 4 cups of water and set on medium heat. when boiling occurs, you turn the heat on low, and add the turmeric and salt. stir once, and let the whole thing simmer on low heat until the lentils are really soft (about 1 hr).
put the olive oil in a separate (small) pan, and set it on medium heat. when the oil is hot, add the mustard seeds. when they start popping (a few seconds), add the chopped chile. stirfry for 30 sec, then add the crushed garlic. stirfry till the garlic is roasted, then add the cury. fry for a few seconds, then turn the heat off, and add the spice mixture to the lentils. mix the whole thing and simmer till lentils are very soft.
i like to eat this with brown rice, which i cook on the side, and some kind of greens. but if i'm too busy or disorganized to make anything else (which is usually the case), it tastes really good on its own too. and it keeps really well in the fridge for about 4 days. i hope you like it too if you try it.
peace
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
blessing way
my friend is expecting a baby next month. so last sunday i attended a blessing celebration for her and her new baby. i had never been at such a celebration before -been to two baby showers though, and found out that showers are not my thing. i was put off by the fact that other than sitting around and watching the mom-to-be open tons of (useless, in my opinion) presents, not much else happened. i didn't know what to expect at this blessing - but knowing my friends, i thought it would be something different, more special, more meaningful, at least to me.
it turned out to be an amazing experience. a blessing way is an old Navajo ritual. and this one was inspired from that tradition. it was 11 of us, all women, and 2 baby girls. it started off with all of us sitting in a circle on the ground, in the woods, on colorful blankets. the woman in whose honor this was held was part of the circle, but she sat on a simple chair covered with beautiful, colorful scarves and blankets. on her head, she wore a wreath of fresh flowers.
the ceremony started by lighting a smudge stick, which was then passed around the circle for cleansing. a thin thread of smoke rose from our circle, following the smudge stick.
in the middle of the circle was a low table, covered with a native-print cloth, on which stood 11 small candles arranged in a circle, and one big candle in the center. once we were done passing the smudge, each woman picked up a candle. we lit our candles from each other's, and as we did so, each person made a wish for the mother-to-be, out loud. the wind was picking up at this point, so it was hard to keep the candles lit. but we spoke our wishes to her anyway.
the only noises other than our wispered wishes, were the wind rustling through the tall trees surrounding us. some roosters called from a nearby pen.
since none of this was planned in advance (except for one person who led the ceremony), none of us knew what to expect, and the wishes we made were thought of on the spot. it was hard not to be moved by the heart-felt words being said, by how raw the whole thing was. even the wind, which was chilling us and blowing our hair wild seemed appropiate to the occasion.
soon it started to rain, but we continued to sit on the ground, in semi-silence, and it felt perfect to be like that. aiyana and the other baby seemed to be picking up on the energy, and were both very content to just sit on the ground with us.
eventually, as the rain intensified, we went in the house. it was the home of the woman whose property we were on. i didn't know this woman well before, and i had never been to her place before. i had heard her being refered to as a "wise-woman" before. now i know why.
her house was amazing. rocks, sticks, animal bones and shells, were displayed alongside striking artwork. she had lots of books nicely arranged in very little space. everything was so simple yet so powerful about her place.
once we were inside the house, we sat in a circle again, and each woman presented the mother-to-be with a small gift (a candle, some feathers, a picture, etc). most women also had something special to say out loud - some read passages from books they liked, others read things they wrote themselves. one woman recited a poem she memorized.
one woman in particular touched me. when her turn came to speak, she said that as mothers, one of the most important things we learn is to let go. i knew exactly what she was talking about. "to let go" has been my theme for the recent past. let go of control, of expectations, of fear...
she was thinking of something different for this occasion, though. she took the necklace she was wearing in her hand, held it, and told us how meaningful it was to her. she had worn it at her own birth, she said, and now, it was time to let it go. she took it off, held it a little longer, and said that maybe one day, the necklace will make its way back to her. and maybe it won't. then she gave it to the mother-to-be. we passed it around the circle and everyone held it for a while, putting their energy and love into it for the mother to have at her birth.
at the end of the ceremony, we passed around string, which each woman wrapped around her wrist before passing it on. when were all tied together in a circle, we cut the string and each one of us was left with a small piece of it wrapped around her wrist, as a reminder. i still have mine on, and love the feeling it gives me each time i look at it.
after the ceremony, we had some amazing vegetarian food, sat and laughed, and then went home. as i drove home, it hailed and poured, and the wind blew branckes off the trees into the road. all the while, the sun was out. it seemed appropriate - i felt this to be a reflection of my own state at the time.
i am so gratefult for this experience, and i will always remember it.
peace
it turned out to be an amazing experience. a blessing way is an old Navajo ritual. and this one was inspired from that tradition. it was 11 of us, all women, and 2 baby girls. it started off with all of us sitting in a circle on the ground, in the woods, on colorful blankets. the woman in whose honor this was held was part of the circle, but she sat on a simple chair covered with beautiful, colorful scarves and blankets. on her head, she wore a wreath of fresh flowers.
the ceremony started by lighting a smudge stick, which was then passed around the circle for cleansing. a thin thread of smoke rose from our circle, following the smudge stick.
in the middle of the circle was a low table, covered with a native-print cloth, on which stood 11 small candles arranged in a circle, and one big candle in the center. once we were done passing the smudge, each woman picked up a candle. we lit our candles from each other's, and as we did so, each person made a wish for the mother-to-be, out loud. the wind was picking up at this point, so it was hard to keep the candles lit. but we spoke our wishes to her anyway.
the only noises other than our wispered wishes, were the wind rustling through the tall trees surrounding us. some roosters called from a nearby pen.
since none of this was planned in advance (except for one person who led the ceremony), none of us knew what to expect, and the wishes we made were thought of on the spot. it was hard not to be moved by the heart-felt words being said, by how raw the whole thing was. even the wind, which was chilling us and blowing our hair wild seemed appropiate to the occasion.
soon it started to rain, but we continued to sit on the ground, in semi-silence, and it felt perfect to be like that. aiyana and the other baby seemed to be picking up on the energy, and were both very content to just sit on the ground with us.
eventually, as the rain intensified, we went in the house. it was the home of the woman whose property we were on. i didn't know this woman well before, and i had never been to her place before. i had heard her being refered to as a "wise-woman" before. now i know why.
her house was amazing. rocks, sticks, animal bones and shells, were displayed alongside striking artwork. she had lots of books nicely arranged in very little space. everything was so simple yet so powerful about her place.
once we were inside the house, we sat in a circle again, and each woman presented the mother-to-be with a small gift (a candle, some feathers, a picture, etc). most women also had something special to say out loud - some read passages from books they liked, others read things they wrote themselves. one woman recited a poem she memorized.
one woman in particular touched me. when her turn came to speak, she said that as mothers, one of the most important things we learn is to let go. i knew exactly what she was talking about. "to let go" has been my theme for the recent past. let go of control, of expectations, of fear...
she was thinking of something different for this occasion, though. she took the necklace she was wearing in her hand, held it, and told us how meaningful it was to her. she had worn it at her own birth, she said, and now, it was time to let it go. she took it off, held it a little longer, and said that maybe one day, the necklace will make its way back to her. and maybe it won't. then she gave it to the mother-to-be. we passed it around the circle and everyone held it for a while, putting their energy and love into it for the mother to have at her birth.
at the end of the ceremony, we passed around string, which each woman wrapped around her wrist before passing it on. when were all tied together in a circle, we cut the string and each one of us was left with a small piece of it wrapped around her wrist, as a reminder. i still have mine on, and love the feeling it gives me each time i look at it.
after the ceremony, we had some amazing vegetarian food, sat and laughed, and then went home. as i drove home, it hailed and poured, and the wind blew branckes off the trees into the road. all the while, the sun was out. it seemed appropriate - i felt this to be a reflection of my own state at the time.
i am so gratefult for this experience, and i will always remember it.
peace
pics
i the picture of aiyana. she's got pure joy in her eyes, and i know it's real. it was taken about 2 weeks ago, in front of our house.
the other picture, of she and i, was taken at a Maypole celebration, at a friends' house, on may 1st.
peace
“Serenity Now!!!”
(i wrote this about 2 weeks ago, but never got to post it. so here it is now...
it's funny to read it now and seee my own reaction to it - wow, is this really how i felt that day?)
I am so tired of myself. So tired of my selfishness, of my pettiness and self-centeredness. Ever feel like that?
I want to move beyond this so badly, to move beyond myself - but even this desire gets all twisted up and becomes a pitiful attempt to boost my ego….
Yesterday was a beautiful day. Sunny and free. I had two completely unexpected moments of pure joy that literally brought me to tears. One was in the swing with Sena and Aiyana, and the other was in bed at night, with the two of them. Both times they were laughing and they got me laughing along too, and there was nothing else but that laughter, and even though it only lasted seconds, it was so pure and untainted. For those few seconds, nothing else existed – I think that’s what bliss is all about.
Today feels so different though. Maybe it’s because I had all these expectations. The whole week I was looking forward to today – the farmer’s market is starting up again, and I knew we’d see lots of friends and have fun, etc, etc. But things started off on the wrong foot this morning, with Sena waking up earlier than I would have liked her to, and then starting to cry when she didn’t find Ed in the house. He was outside planting some stuff, and once Sena started crying, Aiyana got up and cried too, and I had to get up and try to calm them down even though I felt in a daze myself. That’s how it started, and the rest of the day, till now, it seems like everything hits the wrong spot with me. Even though it’s a beautiful day. And everyone else is in a good mood. For some reason, I can’t shake this. I feel like something is going on, like I’m picking up on some energy that’s trying to tell me something and it’s all confusing and irritating.
Finally, in the afternoon, I got some time to myself. I felt like that’s what I really needed. I tried to sleep, but was too agitated. Kept getting out of bed doing this and that. I knew I needed something, but could not figure out what. The book I was looking for, and felt I wanted to read to change my mindset was nowhere to be found. Finally, I sat down on the ground and closed my eyes. In no time at all, my mind slowed down considerably, and I felt the peace I had been looking for all day. It was so soothing, I cried again. It’s all in there, I knew it, and I just caught a small, distant glimpse of it. As quickly as it happened though, it also went away. My mind resumed its chattering. I tried to get back to that peaceful place, but try was the wrong thing to do. You know how that goes.
Did a little yoga to make my body feel better, and spent the rest of my free time pleading with I don’t know who, I guess with myself in part, to let me lose myself, let me surrender, let me get rid of me for a little while. Just let me rest in that peace and tranquility. Let me have a break from this chattering mind. Doing this in all seriousness made me smile. So that was nice.
I know it’s not that easy. But why can’t I have “serenity now”, to use a phrase that Ed often quotes to me. I’m used to instant gratification.
I’m really at a loss here. I’m searching so hard, yearning so much. I’m trying to surrender. Isn’t that ridiculous? I’m using what I know, what I’m used to, the only tools I have, in order to get something that I can somehow sense, but that I know I cannot get by these means. How do you surrender? How do you let go that much? I don’t know yet, but I know it’s not by trying.
Crazy, crazy talk – but this is where I am.
Don’t take this seriously – if anything, just laugh.
peace
it's funny to read it now and seee my own reaction to it - wow, is this really how i felt that day?)
I am so tired of myself. So tired of my selfishness, of my pettiness and self-centeredness. Ever feel like that?
I want to move beyond this so badly, to move beyond myself - but even this desire gets all twisted up and becomes a pitiful attempt to boost my ego….
Yesterday was a beautiful day. Sunny and free. I had two completely unexpected moments of pure joy that literally brought me to tears. One was in the swing with Sena and Aiyana, and the other was in bed at night, with the two of them. Both times they were laughing and they got me laughing along too, and there was nothing else but that laughter, and even though it only lasted seconds, it was so pure and untainted. For those few seconds, nothing else existed – I think that’s what bliss is all about.
Today feels so different though. Maybe it’s because I had all these expectations. The whole week I was looking forward to today – the farmer’s market is starting up again, and I knew we’d see lots of friends and have fun, etc, etc. But things started off on the wrong foot this morning, with Sena waking up earlier than I would have liked her to, and then starting to cry when she didn’t find Ed in the house. He was outside planting some stuff, and once Sena started crying, Aiyana got up and cried too, and I had to get up and try to calm them down even though I felt in a daze myself. That’s how it started, and the rest of the day, till now, it seems like everything hits the wrong spot with me. Even though it’s a beautiful day. And everyone else is in a good mood. For some reason, I can’t shake this. I feel like something is going on, like I’m picking up on some energy that’s trying to tell me something and it’s all confusing and irritating.
Finally, in the afternoon, I got some time to myself. I felt like that’s what I really needed. I tried to sleep, but was too agitated. Kept getting out of bed doing this and that. I knew I needed something, but could not figure out what. The book I was looking for, and felt I wanted to read to change my mindset was nowhere to be found. Finally, I sat down on the ground and closed my eyes. In no time at all, my mind slowed down considerably, and I felt the peace I had been looking for all day. It was so soothing, I cried again. It’s all in there, I knew it, and I just caught a small, distant glimpse of it. As quickly as it happened though, it also went away. My mind resumed its chattering. I tried to get back to that peaceful place, but try was the wrong thing to do. You know how that goes.
Did a little yoga to make my body feel better, and spent the rest of my free time pleading with I don’t know who, I guess with myself in part, to let me lose myself, let me surrender, let me get rid of me for a little while. Just let me rest in that peace and tranquility. Let me have a break from this chattering mind. Doing this in all seriousness made me smile. So that was nice.
I know it’s not that easy. But why can’t I have “serenity now”, to use a phrase that Ed often quotes to me. I’m used to instant gratification.
I’m really at a loss here. I’m searching so hard, yearning so much. I’m trying to surrender. Isn’t that ridiculous? I’m using what I know, what I’m used to, the only tools I have, in order to get something that I can somehow sense, but that I know I cannot get by these means. How do you surrender? How do you let go that much? I don’t know yet, but I know it’s not by trying.
Crazy, crazy talk – but this is where I am.
Don’t take this seriously – if anything, just laugh.
peace
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
some pics
taken by my mom about 1 month ago...
this is me with sena and aiyana one morning after we just got up...
and here's my sister with aiyana (preparing for her own...)
peace
this is me with sena and aiyana one morning after we just got up...
and here's my sister with aiyana (preparing for her own...)
peace
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