play

here are some very recent pictures of sena, aiyana and julia.

eva

one day, i had a really nice experience at starbucks. this experience has stayed with me like a hidden little treasure, making me smile whenever i think of it.
it was early one saturday morning, and i was by myself. ed was home with the kids, while i had this time to myself. i was sitting by the window, sipping coffee and reading a book, when i noticed a woman i knew outside. her name is Eva, and she is a herbalist who owns a little shop i visit once in a while. i know she's been going through a difficult time lately, getting divorced from her husband. i remember seeing them last summer at HerbFest, arms around each other. last time i spoke to her, a few months ago, she told me that he's a wonderful man but she can't live with him. it was obvious she loves him. they have 2 children.

when i saw her at starbucks, she was walking to her car, holding a cup of coffee. she didn't notice me, and she didn't seem to be noticing much, looking mostly down. her expression was blank and a little hardened. i hought that the dampness and grayness outside matched what she projected. as she walked to her car, she turned as if hit by an afterthought, and walked back a few steps. she had noticed something on the ground and bent down to pick it up. it was a purple little flower, lovely and fresh, and totally out of place in the gray gravel. she picked it up with much care and gentleness, and held it as if it were precious. i saw her face light up and a faint smile come to her lips. she held the flower and in her hand and looked at it for a moment. then, she walked to her car, and i swear her step had a different quality from before, more springy, and lighter. i saw her get into the car and place the flower gently on the dashboard. then she drove away.

i felt so moved and grateful to have witnessed this intimate little sceene. what had happened was so small, it could easily have gone unnoticed. yet i also felt that it was big, huge in its significance, and i was deeply touched by it. maybe it was my mood, or the stuff i have been going through lately, but something inside me resonated with this experience.

isn't that how life is? you walk around in a haze, surrounded by events and people that sometimes seem as hard and gray as concrete. if you're lucky and awake enough, you may notice something small and beautiful along your way; something alive, that will make you smile. you stop and you connect with it, smile and give gratitude. your heart softens, and opens a little wider. you recognize that beauty often comes in unexpected ways, at unexpected times. you realize that without the pain you've known you would not have the sensitivity to connect with life and beauty on this level. you feel all these things in a moment, then you forget again. you keep walking.

peace

riding the dragon

last weekend i saw some friends i hadn't seen in a while. they spent the winter in South and Central America, volunteering on organic farms. of course, they had lots of interesting experiences and stories to share.

then they asked what i had been doing. i didn't know where to start, or how to sum up my mundane / exciting life to them. so i just said that i've been riding the dragon, doing my day-to-day stuff. they laughed and seemed to know right away what i meant.

when my neighbor Matt first mentioned "riding the dragon", i immediately loved the expression and adopted it as my own, since i find it a most clear description of what my life is these days...

i'd love to write more, but it's a beautiful day outside, and the kids are restless to go and play. actually so am i. hopefuly soon i'll get to sit again and share some of the insights and experiences i've been having lately.

peace

thoreau

"to influence the quality of the day, this is the highest of arts".

well, i don't like to think in terms of "the highest" and stuff, but i still love the quote. yeah, to influence the quality of the day - not an easy task, but well worth undertaking. i've been working on just this for a while - it's all i can do.

thank you Roxi

my sister lost power at her house after some bad winds on sunday night. so she spent the day with us on monday and tuesday, since our house was not affected by the wind.
wow, what a difference having 2 adults instead of just one taking care of children. all i have to say is i know why they say "it takes a village to raise one child".
i feel extremely lucky to have my sister so close to me (not only when the power is out either...).

some kid news:
aiyana has been saying a lot of new words in the past week or so. it's like, "the floodgates broke open", as one friend put it. she can express herself so much more now, and she loves it. i do too. not only is it cute, but it makes for a lot less frustration and misunderstanding.

another really exciting development is that aiyana started going on the potty. wow, what a relief not having to change, not to mention clean, all those diapers. it's only been a week that she's been doing this, but she is so excited about it, and my life is easier. she loves coming to tell me when she has to go, pulling on my pants to guide me to the bathroom. she pees and poops on the toilet (we have a little seat on top of it so she won't fall in), and when she's done, she wants to wipe, flush and wash her hands all by herself. she refuses to wear diapers now, and wants regular underware like her sister. i still want to put diapers on her when we go out, bc i don't want any accident at the library, or wherever we're going, but usually she fights me on it (and i give in)...

what's most interesting to me is that our potty training thing is a lot more about communication and bonding than it is about actually peeing and pooping. aiyana communicates a lot with her eyes, body, and lately speech, but if i'm not receptive to it, and if i don't communicate back to her, then i don't think things would happen as they do now. maybe i'm not expressing myself all that well. what i mean to say is that this potty training has become another opportunity for us to bond and communicate.

sleeping, on the other hand, hasn't been so good lately. aiyana, for some reason, has been nursing like crazy throughout the night. i thought it was teeth related, but i'm not sure now. something else may be going on, have to figure it out. all i know is that i am tired in the morning and throughout the day. but that's been my story for the past 3 years, no news here...

having trouble writing today, mind is a little foggy, so let me stop here...

peace

tough easter

i wish i could brush things over and say what a nice easter we had. but it feels better to say the truth. or as close as possible.

it was tough. ed and i had a hard time during the day, we could not communicate, we were getting on each other in a bad way, and we both came down pretty hard. then it was time to go over to his parents' for dinner, and we all got in the car, but in less that 1 mile, ed decided that he couldn't do it and wanted to come back home. which i felt as well, but i also thought that it wasn't fair to his family and to the kids not to go, esp. since his mom spent lots of energy cooking and preparing, and sena was really looking fwd to the whole thing...

so i told ed that he could go home and i still go to his parents' with the kids. this is what we did, and things went ok. sena had a really good time coloring eggs at granma's, and aiyana had fun riding her trycicle indoors, etc. i was ok, just tried to be in the moment and answer everyone's questions as to where ed was, what happened, etc. i didn't make anything up, i just told them the truth, without getting into too much detail, uinless they kept asking. ed's dad was worried, but i told him these things happen and everything would be ok soon.

i left the house at around 8pm, and went home. sena fell asleep in the car. ed and i talked a little when i got home, and things were ok. not much to say, we both felt pretty drained, but at least the energy btw us wasn't too bad. i went to bed around 9:30.

i had a restless night. seemed like the day's feelings spilled over into my dreams, and gave me no peace. aiyana's teething again too, so that's not too conducive to peaceful sleep either.

sometime during the night i had a dream.
in my dream, i was on a journey. it wasn't an easy or pleasant journey. feelings of restlessness, doubt, insecurity, and nagging questions of the fundamental type were proeminent. eventually i came to a cliff beyond where the path ended. it was the end of my journey.

from the cliff, i could see the ocean, or rather the inlet to the ocean. it was like a bay, and all there was was water and the horizon. the scene was pretty drab, monochrome, brown, not too exciting. i stood there and watched, feeling tired from my journey; and then slowly, the colors started to change. the water took on brilliant, clear shades of blue and green. the sky turned bright blue. the sun shone clearly on the horizon. the feeling came over me that everything was allright. i felt energy flowing through me, and knowledge came in the form of a silent voice. it said:

some people never get to experience the world, they go straight into the sun. (i knew that this was referring to children that never experience birth, but die in their mother's woumbs). the rest of us experience life, (just as i had experienced my journey to the cliff), and it's not usually peaceful, or beautiful, or easy. but in the end, we all go into the sun. i knew and felt, as i heard this, that going into the sun was the ultimate release. it just felt amazing.

then i woke up. a little shaken from the night's retlessness, but then i remembered the dream and my whole outlook for the day changed, became much more positive. so although i'm still tired now, i feel very peaceful and calm.
just thought i'd share this.

so...
rock on, or whatever moves you,
peace

pics from last w/kend in mtl

post-montreal blues

it's been a long time i didn't get these, but i have to admit that i'm under a spell of post-montreal blues. not for the city itself, but for the people that i still feel strongly connected to there.

i was in montreal thursday through sunday last week. drove up on thursday, which went well, considering that it was just me and the little ones. i had borrowed a car dvd player from the library (my sister's suggestion), and it came in very handy. plug them in, as ed loves to say... well, it works...

on friday, i spent a couple of hrs by myself. went downtown and drove around trying to find parking, no easy task. found a spot near le faubourg, then walked around some, and sat in a Second Cup reading and writing. i felt like a stranger in the city. people seemed cold and disconnected. nobody looked each other in the eyes, esp. as they're walking on the street. i felt alienated from the whole thing. but it was still interesting to sit and observe...

saturday was a whole different story. finally the city came to life again, in my heart. i felt connected to it, and that was because i got to see my friends. it was so nice to feel that closeness again. saturday was a great day, i didn't want it to end.

on suday, we drove back home. i tried not to feel sad about leaving mtl, but i could not help it. the drive went well again, but i found that my mind was distracted, and it was hard to focus on the kids. i felt like when i crossed the US/Canada border, i also had to cross a border in my heart: my old life, of a single woman, versus my new life, as a mother, etc. or something like that. of course it's not so well defined, this border, the spaces mix and bleed into each other...

on my drive back, i was moved by the realization of how supportive my parents are trying to be. my mom really tried to give me time alone, knowing how much i need it. so she (and my dad) took the kids as much as possible, and encouraged me to go out and have fun. my dad also tried to help in his way: he cooked breakfast for us while i packed my stuff on sunday, he cleaned my car (it really needed it), and checked the oil; and basically he tried to assist with any practical thing that needed to be done.

i feel so grateful for my family and friends.

peace!