sick again

i guess having children really takes a toll. i am sick so much more often than i used to be. in between the lack of (good) sleep and the kids always picking up one thing or another from their friends, this is what you get.

so i'm here with the achy-all-over, feverish type of thing. luckily, Sena's at her grandma's today. so that means i only have Aiyana, and that went ok in the morning, but she's got so much more energy than i do at the moment that she got bored...and it's raining outside. so we went for a drive, and she fell asleep soon enough, so here i am at my sister's writing this post.

speaking of my sister, i don't know if i mentioned that she and Ricardo are expecting a baby in september. so that's really exciting.
i have to confess that most times (not right now, cuz' i feel too sick) i am envious / jealous of her, cuz' she'll get to give birth. and that's such a cool experience, so powerful. it's one of the very few times when you're really in touch with things. if you let yourself be. it's like experiencing this awsome force of nature, a huge transformation that's taking place through you. so anyway, maybe i'll have more kids just to experience this again. i think it scares ed when i say this, he's having a hard enough time with two. and i am too, but i still feel like this.

with all this rain, my garden's doing pretty well. i planted lavender, spearmint (for tea), catnip, basil and beans. also some marigolds cuz' they're so pretty. the groundhog ate my catnip, but everything else is doing well. last night i used some of the basil in a stirfry i made, and it was really good. plus it's really fun cooking something that you've planted and tended to yourself.

peace

more rain

it's been pouring over the last two days. but when there's a little break in the rain, i rush outside and get some fresh air. i love these days just as they are. even though my mood is not the over-the-top joyous type. it seems fitting to be more introverted when the weather is gray and foggy.

sometimes i find myself wishing bad things on people. like wishing that someone would fail at something. especially if the someone is a woman, good looking, successful, etc., in other words someone that brings out my competitive side.
this really disturbs me. i try to fight it. but that never works. the feeling returns with new opportunities.
lately i've been trying to accept the feeling, ugly as it may be, and get to the root of it. see where it's coming from. what i discovered, and this is probably obvious to everyone but me, is that it comes from my own insecurities. being insecure, it makes sense that i'd like to see others fail. but going deeper than that, i can trace my insecuritites to an all pervading feeling of loneliness.

in particular, i remember one time, in montreal, about 10 yrs ago. i guess i was not really happy with where i was in my life, although i didn't admit it consciously. one day, something happened, i don't rememebr what, but i know it was minor. i got in the shower, let the water run over me, and broke down into sobs. i cried for what seemed like a long time (wasted lots of water too - didn't have a water saver back then....). i felt sorry for myself and so alone. i felt that other than my dog, Stanton, i had no one. i think, in retrospect, that my spiritual side was totally starved. i was disconnected. disconnected in a fundamental way. despite having lots of friends and my family, on a deeper level i was lost.

i don't know if i'd still break down like that now. maybe, but i think i'm definitely more grounded than before, more at peace.
i guess that comes with age. but for me, it also came with living in Nature. as much as i love cities and all the fun they provide, i sometimes feel that they are soul-less, and alienating on a very basic level. i know that not everyone feels this way, but for me, being more in nature gives me peace and security, in a suddle, understated kind of way.

since i've been living here i've been able to take a walk in the woods any time i want, or sit by a stream, or just sit under a tree and look at a bird - and over time, all these experiences became a balm to my soul. they make me feel like i'm part of things, part of a great dynamic whole. they make me less afraid of death.

when i feel connected, i can see myself becoming gentler and nicer towards everyone, including myself. still a long way to go though....

so i will end here with some quotes from my neighbor:

"if you don't think about it,
it all makes sense"

and

"this is it" (he says this as he sweeps his hand in a gesture encompassing everything around him)

peace

fireflies and stuff

the other day, i was sitting under the apple tree in our yard. sena and aiyana were both napping. the sun was shining, and i was in the shade. as i felt myself relax, i slowly started to become overwhelmed by the beauty of everything around me, by how good it felt to just be.
so i had to write a few words...here they are:

(You came to me)

i was waiting
i was pleading with you to let me see you
and then you came

you came to me as
fireflies last night
i could see you from my bed

you came to me as
three hungry bird chicks,
in a nest,
in the tree above my head -
i can see them right now
waiting hungrily, beaks open.

you came to me -
a spider tickiling my neck

you came to me
i love you

**********

and here's some more:

(my great love)

i love you
i am alive
superbly alive
ecstasy - over the top
nature drives me crazy
i want to hug the earth,
melt into the dirt
(one day i will)

each cell, each fiber of my body
alive to the touch, the kiss
of wind and water
of the seasons.

when i cry, i wail
when i laugh, my belly shakes
i eat my fill of you
but i am always hungry
hungry for each moment
for each detail to be lived
in its own way, for its own sake

*****************8

(i worship)

i worship the dirt under my bare feet
i worship the insect walking on my bare arm
i worship the fly buzzing over my food

i worship the beetle hiding in its hole
i worship the sound of rustling leaves
i worship the song of birds
i worship the creaking of crickets
i worship the feeling of wind on bare skin

i worship this body that came from dirt,
through a long line of mothers,
and will one day soon be dirt again.

i worship the dirt on your feet
i worship this blissful feeling
i worship all of This.

***********

peace

on this rainy day

did you lose your faith in love?
did you lose your faith in human feeling?
silence
did you lose your trust in truth?
did your heart find no way to healing...
("what silence said", from Susheela Raman's Music for Crocodiles, an amazing, amazing album)

when my third snail died,
i said "i'm through with snails".
but i didn't mean it
(written by a 6 yr old girl, quoted in "Women's Voices")

so these are just some things i felt like sharing on this rainy, windy day.
i feel like the weather today very much reflects the funky mood i'm in. woke up with it and can't shake it. why are all these things coming up again? at least i'm not as swept away in the emotions as i used to be. i still got a little grounding. just enough to take care of the kids.

i meant to write about some other things. just some cool stuff that's been happening. like the walk in the labyrinth last week. and my herb garden. but i will leave that for another time, another mood.

but i just wanted to say that i got myself together enough to actually organize the women's circle i mentioned in an earlier posting. it's at my place tonight. i guess it will have to be inside with this weather... but in some way it seems like a rainy day is perfect for such a gathering. i'm definitely looking forward to it. will write my impressions soon.

peace