some time to myself

it seems that i haven't had time to myself in a while (except for when i was sick - but that was too miserable to count);
today i have some time, and i am enjoying it to the fullest.

so, in no particular order, here's what's going on:

aiyana was in a great mood this morning and she made me laugh;
a sunflower bloomed in my garden (the groundhog kept eating the sunflowers until he was relocated, and i never thought they'd survive, but they did);
i'm enjoying cooking and eating again, now that my cold sore is gone; last night i made a nice, spicy ratatouille and a delicious apple-pear crisp. we polished everything off;
my friend sue came over last night and made me laugh enough to sustain me for a while;
the sun is shining;
i have discovered that it's impossible to love one person. because love is much greater, and more inclusive than that. when i feel love, i cannot restrict it to one specific individual or thing. it just spills over into everything and fills my whole life.

peace

archery

somehow i got into shooting a bow and arrows. so when i have a minute, and nobody is around, i practice on a haystack that ed set up in front of our house, with an apple on top.

i didn't realize that it requires quite a bit of arm strength to pull the string on the bow and to keep it steady while focusing on shooting the arrow.
why i feel so drawn to this is because i feel it allows me to focus my attention and energy fully and completely, for a short amount of time, in a way that very few other things do. and then, of course there's the satisfaction of hitting the apple.

so i haven't done much of it yet, because i've been sick and the kids have been around. i feel that this is something i want to do alone, and i'm looking forward to more of it.

peace

a miserable week, coming to an end (i think)

phew, what a week! probably one of the most miserable weeks of my life. there i was, having a great summer, feeling amazing, eating really weel, etc.etc. i felt pretty much invincible, and maybe that was my problem.
then this hit - just a virus, i think, but a pretty nasty one that i'm still not free from.

so i've been sick since last sunday. started with a very sore throat, fever, congestion, and then moved on to cough, body aches, more fever, and the last thing, a nasty cold sore brough on by the fever. a cold sore right on my tongue, so that i could not speak, eat, drink, or even swallow without a lot of pain.

i took everything i knew of: tons of vitamin C, elderberry, echinacea, my regular multivitamins. i think all of these helped but none dramatically. at one point i was really stuffed up, could not sleep or breathe - and the only thing that helped then was the netty pot (is this how you spell it?) which i used to wash out my sinuses. that seemed to clear me up so that i could sleep a few hours. also, lots of hot showers - they helped soothe my whole body, and gave some temporary relief from aches and stuffiness. for my cold sore, i did salt and golden seal rinces, i used licorice extract locally (good antiviral) and lysene supplements. i think they worked, bc it took only 3 days to heal, as opposed to about a week regularly.

i feel like this was such an ordeal though. i became so depressed at some points. day after day, i found myself dragging, dreading the night-time especially, because i could not sleep though i badly needed it. i found myself unable to look after the kids, and yet i had to. when i got the cold sore, and could not speak without a lot of pain, that was the hardest. try being with 2 little kids and not speaking. it's impossible, i constantly have to mitigate, tell them to stay away from stuff, or just answer the incessant questions. and it felt like every word was torture.

i also felt that if only i could get enough sleep, my body would recover. but one night it was my throat aching, another my inability to breathe due to congestion, then body aches - all these things made it really hard and frustrating to sleep. i woke up each morning totally depleted, depressed and wondering how i would get through the day with the kids.

as soon as i got sick, i started giving everyone echinacea, elderberry and vitamin C. i'm really glad i did this. so far, ed hasn't gotten sick yet; sena had only a runny nose for 1 day and then she was fine; aiyana did get sick, but even she made it through pretty easily. we did have one terrible night with her, the first night she was sick. she was stuffed up so she could not breathe through her nose. when we went to bed, she tried to nurse as usual, but couldn't and then she started crying and being more and more upset, which got her more stuffed up. eventually she was crying so hard she threw up. i sat up with her all night, this was the only way she could nurse and calm down. but i couldn't sleep in a sitting position, and felt miserable being sick myself. fortunately, the next day aiyana was much better (i was worse) and she's been better since.

being sick like this reminded me again of what a blessing it is just to be healthy. i felt like all i wanted was to have my old self back, to feel my body strong and healthy, to have that feeling of joy of life. it was hard to feel any joy while i was so miserable, and i felt so sad for people who are chronically ill.

yesterday was my worst day, and in the afternoon i broke down and cried. i couldn't stop crying and my head was pounding. i felt so alone and hopeless. ed was there, trying to help but he too was spent. he tried to help as much as possible since i got sick, and he also had to go to work. finally, when as i got worse, he took some days off, but even so, he felt exhausted and overwhelmed by everything, esp. with aiyana being sick too. so yesterday he was in a pretty sour mood, and i felt miserable. he said he needed a break and i just didn't know what to do. sena kept saying that she wanted one of us to play with her and be with her, and aiyana was crying on and off. neither one of us could deal, so then what? i just felt so alone.

ed's mom and my sister have been helping, esp at the begining of the week, but as we got sicker, i didn't feel right asking them to come oevr and exposing them to this nasty thing we had. so we found ourselves trying to do it alone and it was really hard.

when i was crying the hardest, sena started telling me what a good mom i am, and then she said that if she had to pick anyone, she would pick me to be her mom. this made me feel good, and it also made me so sad, because i just couldn't be there for her. on the positive side, i guess it's good for her to see me down, to see me crying and struggling. i don't believe in hiding these emotions from her, because i think it's healthier that she see me as a human being with many limittations; i think it's important for her to see me struggle through stuff, as this will undoubtedly be part of her life as well.

today, ed stayed home in the morning. sena and aiyana slept well last night. i did ok, not great. ed went to work mid-morning and then his mom came and took the kids (they were both feeling great this morning). i went back to bed and woke up feeling much better that i have been lately. i feel like i am finally on the upswing. don't want to push myself too much, but i am glad to notice that i am getting a little bit excited about being outside again. i'm looking fwd to a short walk or maybe a bikeride. i feel the energy slowly coming back to me, and i feel as if my spirit is becoming lighter, and happier.

i also feel like there's something i need to learn from this sickness, although it's still not quite clear what. during my (seemingly) countless hours of in between sleep and wakefulness, tossing and turning in discomfort, i had many insights that seemed significant at the time, but unfortunately, i forgot all of them. i can't recollect them at will, although i know that they're still with me, maybe waiting for another time to emerge.

one thing i'm clear on is just what a gift it is to be healthy and whole. this morning i sat outside for a few minutes, eating a bowl of miso soup; the sun was out and a little breeze was gently sweeping over me, and it felt so nice and so healing just to sit there and experience these wonderful things. the miso soup tasted delicious, and i felt grateful to be able to enjoy the taste of food again.

so, on this note, i wish that everyone be healthy, happy, whole.

peace

sena's one-liners

last weekend, sena said to me quite out of the blue:
"mom, i'm happy that you're my mom".
of course, i got all teary-eyed, gave her some big hugs and tried to tell her how amazing that made me feel, but by the time i was done with all my talking and trying to convey to her how i felt, she, of course had already moved on to the next thing.

kids can find something special in almost anything. which proves that it's not the thing itself that is special, but it's you, who bring to it your own vision and quality of being.
so anyway, we were riding our bikes on sunday night, and were approaching a traffic light. sena loves to push the button that makes the pedestrian light turn green. so way before we even got to the light, she started asking me if she could be the one to push the button. and i said she could. and then she said, satisfied and quite sure of herself: "i'm the button artist".
well, i never thought of pushing a traffic light button as art, but that just shows how limited my view is.

finally, one morning this week, sena woke up and she was in a bad mood, not quite ready to get out of bed. she started whining and i asked her to stop and just tell me what's wrong, and she said: "i just can't deal with myself". which i knew exactly what she meant because that's how i feel almost every morning, esp when i wake up before i'm ready, but i never thought of expressing it that way....

peace

groudhog, forcefully relocated

my friend the groundhog has been relocated. forcefully relocated. somehow he managed to bypass the 8-ft-tall fence that ed built and got into the garden. he ate almost all the carrots and parsley.... ed and shandra were not pleased.
so in this picture, you can see him in the have-a -heart trap, just before ed drove him 5 miles away from our house and dropped him off in the woods.

a few days ago, i was getting some collard greens ready to cook, when i notice this pretty little caterpillar on the back of one of the leaves. i spent quite some time admiring it and taking pictures of it, before placing it in the compost and continuing with my cooking.


and finally, look at all this beautiful food... (this was at the last women's circle)

dancing

my sister gave me some pictures that she and ricardo took on their vacation in romania, last june. she let me choose what i wanted.
the pictures i wanted most were of my two grandmothers: mamaia and bunica. they're beautiful, hartbreaking pictures. both my grandmothers are smiling genuine smiles, but you could tell that they've aged so much. they're standing right on the brink - the brink of non-being.

in one picture, mamaia is hugging roxi, and she's smiling a beautiful smile that makes me cry. she's holding on to her so tight that i wonder if they are not hurting each other. the other picture, the one of bunica is also beautiful and very simple: bunica is sitting down, holding a red geranium in her hand. she's looking to the side and offering it to someone. to my sister's baby, Julia, a symbolic gesture it seems to me, like letting go of that which is most precious and fleeting: life.

my sister also gave me another picture, at my request, one of herself and julia standing on the beach in portugal. the ocean is their background, and i can't help but think how appropiate an image this is for their life: (seemingly) infinite, open, full of possibility. beautiful. my sister and julia look stunning, their faces soft and open in the late afternoon light.

on saturday, i come home around noon, after having had couple of hours to myself, a wonderful treat. i am feeling great, energized, inspired, as usual after time alone. the house is empty, ed and the kids still out. i feel like dancing. i put on the music i like, and take out the three pictures from my sister. i put them up on the mantle, so i can see them and they can see me as i dance.

at first it's too intense. i can't look at any one picture for too long, especially the ones of my grandmothers, or else i'll start to cry. i keep dancing, glancing to the mantle only once in a while. i feel a bit self-conscious, like they're watching me. but i also feel too good to care. bit by bit i let go, moving the way i want to, no inhibition.

suddenly, an image comes to my mind. it's 25 years ago, or more. my sister and i are at mamaia's house. we're putting on a show for her.

mamaia is sitting on the bed. my sister and i are hiding in a tiny corner between her armoire and the wall. we've rummaged through the armoire already, and are now dressing ourselves in scarves, and other fancy clothes that we've picked out of her wardrobe. it doesn't matter that they don't fit us. we're pretending that we are stars in a show.

when we're satisfied with our appearance, it's time for our big entrance. we ask mamaia if she's ready, and she says she is. she's watching as my sister and i step out from behind the armoire. our performance consists of singing, dancing, reciting poetry, and just parading around the room in our fancy costumes. mamaia aplauds. she's our biggest fan, our only fan.

now, as i dance around the room, by myself, with my grandmother's and sister's pictures looking at me, i feel a strange connection to way back then, a closing of the circle. not only do i feel connected to them, but also to the little girl i was. i feel moved and healed by this experience. i realize one thing: that whatever hardships i may have encountered so far couldn't have damaged me too much if i can still dance like this, feel this good. maybe, on the contrary, they opened me to further experiences of joy and awareness.

dancing harder than ever, it seems appropriate that the song that touches me at the moment is called Utopia, and the only words in it i can understand (most of it is in arabic) are:
"i believe we can survive in Utopia
...
sing, sing children of the world,
to the One that we all are".

thank you

when i was driving to the beach earlier this week, i was struck (again) by the realization that i am able to have this life i now have (and love) due, in great part, to my parents, who were always firm in their belief that i should pursue a career that allows one to live well in this world (financially speaking). and so i did. for 10 years, i pursued my engineering career, and it gave me lots of fun and challenges at first, and then it slowly wore off, as many things do. what it also gave me is financial security, to a degree i feel comfortable with, so that now i am able to do what i feel most drawn to and most inspired by, with my life. like driving to the beach on a sunny summer day, to spend time playing in the sand with my kids; to spend time doing nothing special, which of course is very special.

thank you

on a rainy day

do you realize that
this Rain that's falling,
not only nourishes the Earth,
but,
it provides connection
some kind of equality.

this Rain that falls on me
was once sweat on your skin
was the ocean you threw yourself in.

It was tears in my grandmother's eyes
It touched everything and everyone
at some time.

i like to think of It as
love and sorrow falling from the sky.

so,
don't open your umbrella,
don't hide inside your house,
step out of any shelter
and,
let It touch you,
let me touch you.

kids, food, and the circle

these pics are of (top to bottom):

the kids, intenlty watching some pictures on the computer;

ed's beautiful vegetables. i made a great ratatouille with them. cooking what we grew feels like an act of worship to me. this food is so perfect, so vibrant and alive, that i find myself compelled to treat it with respect and reverence. food and cooking will never be the same for me. even if i cook with store-bought food, i think i'll see it in a totally different way, now that i know what it takes to grow it and bring it to our table.

the last picture is from our last women's circle.

sunday morning, out for a bike ride

sena and i are having the best time right now.

ed took aiyana to the flea market this morning, and sena and i got on my bike and headed out for some time together. we went to the cafe first, bc we both love it. we sat outside, had some goodies, talked and relaxed. sena played in a small rock garden they have, and when she had enough of that, we biked to a pond nearby to see the ducks and geese.

we sat on the grass, in the shade of a tree, and watched the geese graze and the ducks waddle as they came to us, hoping for some food. one mama duck had a really small ducking with her, and they came right up to us and, when we had no food to give them, they decided to hang out anyway, and nestled cozily right by our feet. it was really nice that they felt that comfortable. and the duckling was so cute...

then sena and i got on the bike again, and did a tour of UConn looking for a place with internet. finally, we ended up here, at the library, and will soon be on our way to the bookstore to look at some books.

i am so happy that sena and i like the same things: bikeriding, the bookstore, the cafe... it's so easy to have fun together.
oh, and i didn't mention that it's just beautiful outside, sunny and breezy, not too hot or humid. just a very uplifting kind of day. what a treat!

peace

the book i'm currently reading

i just picked up a new book from the library: Alice Walker's "The way forward is with a broken heart".

i got it bc i love the title; i feel that it reflects a hidden, and very private, part of myself. i love how it's so encompassing, both hopeful and sad.

i started reading the book today and love it, so far.

singing together

some recent pics of:

aiyana waking up in the morning (this girl is such a trouble maker, and has such an attitude, that if she weren't so cute she'd have to start worrying...)

a morning hug (they were both in a good mood, which is always nice)

and singing "the wheels on the bus" together (i just heard the best version of this song recently, by Sharon Jones. it's funky and nothing like any other version i heard before. unfortunately the kids don't really like it, they prefer the more traditional versions)

a crazy week

i've had a bit of a rough week. sena got sick on monday. she had a sore throat, high fever, headache and vomitting, and was pretty miserable for a couple of days. we were afraid it may be strep but then found out that it wasn't. it was just a virus that's been going around (her friends have it as well). she's feeling much better now, but yesterday it looked like aiyana was also getting a fever and i thought she was going to have the same thing as sena; but then she seems to be normal today, so i guess she didn't get it after all.

in any case, the whole thing wore me out, the constant attention, the worrying, etc. on top of everything, yesterday ed and i had a hard time with each other. i felt very frustrated trying to communicate with him and being misunderstood. it wasn't much better this morning...

when i finally got the kids in the car today to go and do a bunch of errands, i turned on the radio, and it was tuned to this obscure, local radio station; they were playing some punk-rock music, nothing i knew, but it was really fast and loud and to me, felt like the perfect reflection of my inner state.

i wanted to scream myself, and maybe even throw something, that would've felt really good; but i didn't feel that this was an option. so this type of music being the next best thing, i was relieved to hear it, and turned it up as loud as i could bear. i took the long way to wherever we were going, just so i could spend more time in the car listening to it. the kids didn't seem to mind, and by the time we got to our destination, i felt so much better....