training wheels off, baby!

a couple of days ago, sena decided that she was ready to take the training wheels off her bike. ed and i helped her, and she was actually able to ride by herself for 20 ft or so at a time. she learned how to break, but still needs a lot of practice balancing and stearing. she had a few falls, to be expected... but overall, she was really excited and proud of herself. here she is:

aiyana, of course, wanted to take her training wheels off too. only one problem though, she's riding a tricycle. she was pretty upset about this. i had to explain that the wheels off her trycicle do not come off. she got it eventually...

i wanted to post another video, where you can see sena crash (i'll do it next time). things got a little crazy, but nobody got hurt, and overall, i laughed more that night than i have in a long time...

more summer pictures

hanging out after breakfast
aiyana's afternoon nap

and my favorite spot, the place where i feel happiest and most peaceful:

last saturday

last saturday, while i had my time off, ed took the girls to the swap-shop and they each got a "new" bag. of course, they wanted to use them right away. so when they got home, sena begged me to go an a picnic, so that she can take some snacks in her new bag. i kind of had different plans (grocery shopping - that's always optional), but we decided to scrap them and go for the picnic.
sena and aiayana got busy picking peas and the back yard (ed's peas are delicious and plentiful right now), and i cut some carrot sticks and some apple; they packed this, along with some crackers and a blanket in their bags, and off we were. it was a beautiful day, and we went by the fenton river, close to our house.
they skipped around and jumped in the water for a while, then had their snacks, and when they started fighting with each other, i decided it was time for a nap, and we came home.
here are some pictures...

she's already started?

sena says to me today:
mom, i want to go to giovanna's birthday party by myself (giovanna is her good friend, who's turning 5 soon).
i asked, how are you going to get there?
she said, can you drive me there, and drop me off?
then i asked her if aiyana can come and she said yes.
finally, i said, what are you going to do at the party? why don't you want me to come?
she answered very simply and naturally, i just want to hang out with my friends....
which i totally understand and relate to, except that i expected this conversation to happen maybe 10 years from now...

i love it!

getting involved with MAC

recently, i've become involved with a group that advocates for children and families in mansfield (MAC), the town i live in. our local librarian invited me to one of their meetings, and now i've become a member of the group and am loving it. the group recently got a nice grant for coming up with a plan that would outline how we can better support the health and well-being of families with young children in our area.

i'm really excited about being part of this! in the past few years, especially since i had children, i've become acutely aware of the importance community plays in our lives. raising children in isolation can be very difficult, and puts a huge strain on a family. very few of us are lucky enough to have family nearby that can help support us especially in those first few years when the kids are young and there are so many demands on the parents. so the role of the community is key.

what i'm really excited about with this group is that they seem really open to different voices, diffrent experiences, different points of views. they also plan to address a variety of issues, such as health, education, transportation, housing, etc, and link them all together into something viable for the community. i see a lot of potential, like bike-paths, for instance. i think that if we had more bikepaths linking key points in our area, such as the library, general store, community center, etc, it would make it easier for people to be out and about, connecting with each other and having fun without using their cars, and without risking their lives riding on the road, as is currently the case. i'm also really excited about the prospect of getting home-schoolers and public schools more involved with each other, using each other's resources, being aware of each other. mostly though, i'm excited about the opportunity of making a difference on a local level, in the lives of people i know, where i can see and evaluate the results.

i already commited myself quite a bit to this group, it's the biggest commitment i've made outside of my family since i quit work at pratt. but ed's being really supportive, he can see that this is close to my heart, and he also believes that the project has a lot of potential.
so we'll see how it goes...

hard time

oh my god, i'm having such a hard time this week! i can't pull myself out of it. on some level i don't even want to, i just want to go through it and figure it out, but it's so hard with everything going on, and all the responsibilities i have. i feel so impatient and irritable around the kids, and they, especially sena, have been pushing me to the limit in the past couple of days. i don't know if she's picking up on my discomfort, or if she's dealing with her own stuff, probably both, but she's been so demanding and dispespecful...

anyway, there's been a lot more than just the kids though. i feel so sad. part of my sadness i can see clearly and part i cannot. last sunday, we went to rhode island to visit ed's family, and it really hit me how alienated i am from mainstream society. my lifestyle and interests are so different from most people, that i find it hard to connect except on a most superficial level, which i'm not interested in. so that's part of my sadness for sure, but there's more to it, and i'm not sure just what that is...

i've had some nice moments too in the past few days, one was on monday when the girls and i went strawberry picking. it was misting lightly, and the sky was overcast, and i thought it would be perfect for picking since most people come when it's sunny. we were the only ones in the field, and picked 6 lbs in half an hour. sena and aiyana both did really well, they were respectful with the plants, not pulling too hard or stepping over them, and they picked quite a bit.
on monday night we had another beautiful, powerful storm, but since everyone was awake at the time, my experience was different from last time. i enjoyed it nevertheless.
today, it's been up and down. i did some weeding in the garden, which made me feel good. but i also had a couple of outbursts with sena and now i feel depleted. i hope my mom can take them for a while so i can get some time alone. i really need it...

peace

some more pictures

sunrise at our house
weaving....
sena, helping to plant winter squash
ayana in the garden, getting her scissors ready to pick salad greens

ed and aiyana on the front porch, watching the rain

peace

the storm

last tuesday it was crazy hot, so that i felt exhausted and could barely move. i didn't leave the house all day, but the kids played outside in the wading pool and i managed to do some work anyway.

the best part of the day for me, came at night, after everyone had gone to sleep. i was about to fall asleep too, but white flashes in the sky kept drawing my attention. it was lightning, far away. the night was heavy with heat, but i could feel changes happening in the silence and stillness. at first it was just the flashes, but then the wind started to pick up just a bit, and at one point i could smell the rain. i got out of bed and went to the bathroom. i'm still afraid of dark, but i'm trying to get over it, so i decided not to turn on any lights. i stood in the bathroom looking outside, and just when i was about to decide that there's nothing to see and go back to bed, a firefly flew right in front of the window. the first one i've seen this year! it flew slowly in front of me, doing what looked like a lazy dance; i stared at it for a while, smiling and thanking it for coming, and then i saw another one in the woods; this made me very happy.

i eventually went back to bed, but by now i was wide awake. i decided that i was going to focus all my attention on the approaching storm. i could hear the growing thunder, and the wind had picked up considerably. despite my decision, i found it hard to focus, to really pay attention. as always, my mind kept wondering off in different directions. but i didn't let this bother me - instead i tried to catch myself and come back to the storm before drifting too much.

before long, the wind got really intense - i could hear branches cracking outside, and things in the yard being tossed around. the bathroom door kept slamming open and shut and i was amazed (and grateful) that i was the only one awake. thunder cracked and seemed to match the wind in intensity. i could see flashes of lightning split the sky in two, and they were so bright that at some points they lit up our whole room. everyting was very intense, and maybe at other times i'd be a little scared, but now i really just wanted to give myself over to the storm, to really be with it, and i think that to some extent i was able to do that, because there was no fear, and no sensation other than this awsome power unleashing itself.

i must've been pretty involved in my experience, because i thought that i'd been up for maybe half an hour, yet when i looked at the clock i realized it had been over 2 hrs.

as the storm passed our house and moved away, things got quiter outside, and i could feel myself drift into sleep. i felt relaxed and peaceful, and on some level empty. even though i was not able to fully be with the storm, this is the first time i focused all my intent on doing that, and it was an amazing experience. i'm very much looking forward to the next one!

peace

a passage

i want to share this passage from e. pagel's 'beyond belief: the secret gospel of thomas':

"thus, in the Round Dance of the Cross, Jesus says that he suffers in order to reveal the nature of human suffering, and to teach the paradox that the Buddha also taught: that those who become aware of suffering simultaneously find release from it.
...
yet, he also tells them to join in the cosmic dance: 'whoever dances belongs to the whole. whoever does not dance does not know what happens."

so keep on dancing...

flowers in the rain

we had a lot of rain last week, mainly on thursday and friday. on friday, i walked over to shandra's garden and took these pictures. too bad they can't convey the lovely smell of these amazing flowers...

peace

back home

it feels so good to be back home! not that i didn't enjoy montreal. i had a really good time walking downtown by myself, and it was also really nice being with my parents, catching up, and seeing them interact with sena and aiyana.

still, when i pulled into our driveway, i saw the trees i love, and heard the birds singing and i felt like i was coming back to myself.

over the past few months, i've been experiencing vague discomfort every time i'm away from the peace and silence of the trees around my house. at first, i didn't know what it was, i just felt that no matter what i did, especially when i had time to myself, nothing made me feel good, nothing except for sitting outside my house and just being there. whether i went to the cafe, to the library, or wherever, i always found myself drawn back to that spot. at one point, i even thought that maybe i was getting a phobia of leaving the house. but i don't think that's it. the best way i can explain it to myself, is that over time, i've developped a special relationship with the trees and animals around my house; this relationship deepened as i sat silently, in my free time, and paid attention, not to my thoughts, my books, or anything else, but to my surroundings. i allowed myself to relax into the peace and quiet of trees swaying in the wind and birds chirping; and without any effort on my part, these beings touched me and i feel, on some level, became part of me; or me of them. now, if i'm away from them for a long time, i get this vague feeling of unrest...

i wasn't able to recognize this until i got back from montreal. when we pulled in the driveway, i was so happy to get out of the car and just be outside...

as soon as i got back, i walked over the ed's garden, and was amazed by all the growth that took place in our absence. i picked some lettuces (ed planted 6 kinds, and they all did really well), threw in some roasted sunflower and sesame seeds, feta cheese, boiled egg, and some of my own dressing (garlic, olive oil, and baslamic vinegar), and had a huge bowl of salad all to myself. the kids, unfortunately, are not too interested in salad... i was making all kinds of sounds of appreciation as i ate, moaning and saying to myself out loud how this is the best salad i've ever had, and sena and aiyana just sat there eating their (boring) pasta, looking at me with great interest, giggling every once in a while. i ate to my heart's content, and put some salad away for ed, who was flying back from japan that same night.

did i already say how amazing it feels to eat food out of our own garden? i guess i can't say it enough! besides lettuce, i've been picking lots of kale, spinach and cilantro, which i cooked in soups and stews and shared them with friends and neighbors. sena, aiyana and julia have been helping me, and and sometimes as we pick they'll start singing this song we know: "thank you mother earth, thank you sister water...".

so that's what we've been up to,
peace