Mental health

Yesterday, I was talking to one of my customers about her anxiety. We were both saying how it's such a sham that mental health is an issue for so many people, I would even say for a majority of people,  yet it is seldom discussed out in the open, and it is almost always stigmatized. I think that for men this is even worse than for women, where it is somehow more acceptable to show vulnerability.

Somehow we've come to this understanding:

We don't say what we mean,

We don't say what we feel.

Our deepest fears and sadness,

Our joy,

All hidden deep inside,

Shut out of daily life and daily conversation.

We all continue to support the convention

that is oppressing us,

and privately we suffer,

and we remain alone.

I have only one way to see you as you are,

to show me as I am - 

and that is through my dreams,

They have not yet succumbed to any rule of man,

Have not been dominated, bullied, frightened into submission.

They are still mine.

Hail storm hit hard

I have 3 hours to myself this morning, and I am at Manchester Community College, hanging out in the library. I feel like this is very unusual. Last time I was here was in 2001 when I took an Intro to Anthropology course, which later led me to a Masters Degree in Anthropology from UConn. So why am I here today?

Sena is taking a placement test, her first official test ever (3 hours-long, yikes), because will start taking classes here in the fall. I'm kind of dumbfounded, like how did this happen that my own daughter will start college level courses? Like everyone says, time flew, and here we are.

Sena is now 13, and could be going to highschool in the fall, but she wants to keep homeshooling and take select courses at MCC instead. Hence the placement test. She wants to start with something fairly easy like an English class, then she wants to do Public Speaking, and eventually she'll be taking some hard-core science classes, such as physics, chemistry, biology, which I am not inclined to teach at home. We'll continue to do Math, History, Geography, English, Environmental Studies at home, and probably others I'm forgetting.

As of right now, Aiyana wants to keep homeschooling, but when it comes time for highschool, she wants to go, which I think is a good idea.

Earlier this spring, Sena won a $500 scholarship from the State of CT towards her future college education. They awarded these to 44 kids from CT, plus 4 kids who got $1000 prizes. I think Sena may have been the only schooled child in the group that won. The award was based on an essay the kids wrote about how they're going to change the world after they go to college. Here's a link to Sena's essay. This is a link to the other 6-8th graders from CT that won, and this is the link that explains the rules and details of the CHET competition in case you're interested for the future (it's held yearly, and anyone from CT, grades K-8 can participate).

In other news,  we got hit by a ferocious hail storm last night, that badly damaged my lettuces, and sent me into a little bit of a spin about my deliveries and farm sales (which I had already committed to earlier in the week). Other crops weren't too badly damaged, but the lettuces took a heavy beating and are unsaleable for at least a week, maybe longer. Fortunately, I was able to arrange with other farmer friends to supply their lettuces to my customers for the week, and everyone seems to be happy with this arrangement (obviously I'll lose the income, but that's temporary). Thank goodness for great farmer friends and understanding customers. I love that kind of cooperation. If you want to see a video of the storm and the damage it caused, and hear me get pretty excited at the end, check it out here.

Peace

Milking and Cheese Making at Shundahai Farm - Part 2

Here is Milking and Cheese Making at Shundahai Farm - Part 2, which shows the actual cheese making process (the first part, posted last week, focused on milking my cow).

Hairy legs

I want to talk about hairy legs and armpits. I haven't shaved in over a year. I used to shave like everyone else, until about 10 years ago, when I stopped shaving in the winter. But I'd still shave in the summer, when my legs were more likely to be seen.

One year, when the girls were small, I didn't shave all winter. I simply didn't want to put the time into it. If I had time, I wanted to rest or read, or do something meaningful to me, not spend it shaving. We went to the swimming pool and I wore my bathing suit so I could go in the water with them. I was quite nervous about it, and at first I told the girls I'd just watch them from the side of the pool. But they kept asking me to come in, and I decided that it was ridiculous to miss an opportunity to have fun with my kids because I'm worried about what people think of my legs. Still, I felt super self conscious. I kept myself covered with a big towel as long as I could, then I ditched the towel at the last minute and jumped in the water. I felt like people were staring. I have dark complexion, and dark hair. I didn't like the staring, even though part of me was angry about it. Worse, I didn't like my kids having to notice people staring. Later that year, I caved in and shaved so I could blend in. But I felt like I let myself down. Every year for the past 10 years it's been like that.

This year, I haven't shaved so far, and I've already started wearing skirts and other light clothes that do show my legs. I've had people close to me comment. Asking when I will shave. The girls even ask me to shave, although their reason I think is the only one that makes sense to me: they say that when we do tick check at night, it will be easier to see any ticks if I shave, and they're right.

So why do I have this resistance? Do I like my legs better unshaven? In some ways, yes, I don't get the pricky itchy rash I usually get after shaving. In other ways no, I actually do like the way my legs look better when shaven. But my main reasons for not wanting to shave go beyond discomfort or looks:
I am resistant to shaving:

• Because body hair is natural for a mammal, which we are, and the social norm that women should shave their legs and armpits is totally arbitrary.  I'm tired of sacrificing myself in order to follow arbitrary rules. Shaving is expected of women, and is yet one more way for society to control our bodies. I already hurt myself, when I was younger, with anorexia and bulimia, in an attempt to fit what I perceived to be the standards for beauty. Right now, I'm ok with who I am, and I respect my body as is.

• Because I feel that if people cannot get over my hairy legs, or think that I am less beautiful, or less anything because I do not shave, then they need to deal with their baggage as much as I do.

• Because with all the pressure there is for women to look a certain way, I want to send a clear message to my daughters that we come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, hairy, not hairy, and so on, and beauty is all of that and much more. I want to show them that whether I shave or not, that is my personal preference, and not because I feel like I have to in order to be accepted.

• Because I want to show my support of everyone who does not fit "the norm", whether they are physically or mentally or in any other way different.

So that is where I am. I don't know what I will do this year. I may chose shave or not. The key is that I'd like it to be my own choice. I may alternate if I feel like it. But for now, I think going out in public as I am, and seeing how I feel about myself when people react, will be, at the very least, a revealing experiment.

Peace

'Stay with me, Let's just breathe..."

"Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win,

Under everything, just another human being,

I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me bleed"

Just Breathe, Pearl Jam

Selfie, under the catalpa tree, which has been in bloom over the past week. The smell is unbelievably sweet and blissful. Thank you so much, beautiful tree!

I've also been writing, as you know. Grateful to have that...

And, I've been reading the book in the picture below. So far (about 2/3 into it) it has been really great. It's given me wonderful insight and solace. If you're dealing with any sort of darkness, fear, confusion, or if you feel a well of joy and beauty within you, or a mix of both, especially a mix of both, this book illuminates and makes a great companion. 

"May all that is unlived in you blossom into a future graced with love" John O'Donohue, Anam Cara
Peace

When I was ready

Have a great weekend everybody!
Peace

Transformation

Richard Rohr said that "if you don't transform your pain, you will transmit it". I found that to be true in my own experience. So the question is, how do you transform it, this pain that has been passed down to you, unknowingly and unwillingly maybe, for generations?

One way I know of is love. I don't mean pop culture kind of love. I mean kindness, acceptance, kinship; feeling seen and known, feeling recognized for who you are, and feeling connected on a deeper level. The kind of love that Myazaki shows in his movies (Spirited Away for example). Helping each other on our paths, soul-friendship kind of love.

Of course not everyone we meet is ready for that, and that's OK. I actually don't even think it has to necessarily be a human - it can be a beloved animal, a tree, anything that can allow us to build connection and trust and the feeling of just being OK with ourselves just as we are.

I really believe that giving and receiving that kind of love is one of the most powerful ways we all have to change ourselves and the world.

Just like the sun will turn an angry cloud into a beautiful rainbow...

All these pictures are from last night when a crazy storm just missed us, and the sky was incredible.
Peace

Summer Solstice

Happy summer solstice, and a little video showing what our field and vegetable crops look like at this time of the year. As you've noticed, I've been making quite a few videos lately. That is because I want to share with you what's happening on the farm, and I find it easiest to take the camera along with me as I do my work, and show the field, animals, and so on. I hope you like the videos and that you find something useful in them.

Peace

Not in vain

A 10 minute video of my cow milking routine

I wanted to make a video showing my cow milking routine, as well as cheese making, but I only got to do the first part. So I will post in 2 parts, part 1 showing the milking and part 2 showing the actual cheese making process.
For now, here is Milking and cheese making - Part 1

I hope you have a good week.
Peace

Anam Cara

So beautiful... Thank you for putting words to this. Unfortunately, there is much limitation set on the soul in this time and place, and much denial of its nature...

"In the Celtic tradition, there is a beautiful understanding of love and friendship. One of the fascinating ideas here is the idea of soul-love; the old Gaelic term for this is anam cara. Anam is the Gaelic word for soul and cara is the word for friend. So anam cara in the Celtic world was the “soul friend.” In the early Celtic church, a person who acted as a teacher, companion, or spiritual guide was called an anam cara. It originally referred to someone to whom you confessed, revealing the hidden intimacies of your life. With the anam cara you could share your inner-most self, your mind and your heart. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an anam cara, your friendship cut across all convention, morality, and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the “friend of your soul.” The Celtic understanding did not set limitations of space or time on the soul. There is no cage for the soul. The soul is a divine light that flows into you and into your Other. This art of belonging awakened and fostered a deep and special companionship."

from The Essence of True Friendship, by Maria Popova

Special Friday delivery

Every Friday, I do my deliveries to Fiddleheads and Oyster Club, which is a routine I've come to like. I'm lucky to be working with some super nice people: Rachel, the produce manager at Fiddleheads, and James and Dave, the chefs at Oyster Club. I heard from other farmers that chefs can be fussy and difficult to work with, but I must say that James and Dave are very down to earth and pleasant, always treating me with respect, so I am lucky.

This is Fiddleheads Food Coop in New London (see the poster of Shundahai above the cooler, with me harvesting chard?):

This is inside Oyster Club in Mystic.

And outside.

This time of year is always very busy, with lots going on in the field, with the animals, etc.,as you can see from my to do list below.....

Today, I had an extra delivery in addition to my usual, for a special event in Stonington, CT, organized in part by James. Apparently 6 of the top chefs in the world are going to be cooking for this event, which is a fund raiser and costs $5000 a plate! I hope they like my carrots...

Peace

And so

…and so you reach midlife.

And by now you’re pretty good at playing the game.

And you realize that you don’t really even want to play the game

Any more.

Even though it’s all you know, all you’ve been taught,

And almost everybody’s playing,

Except for a few freaks.

And you’re left with yourself, uneasy, leery of yourself,

Like a stranger.

And there’s plenty of judgment,

From yourself and others.

And yet, somehow inside you,

Something you haven’t recognized or heard from

In ages

Begins to stir.

It gives no easy answers,

It lays no paths before you

But you know it's a friend.

And so, with only the tiniest of glimpses, you start,

Afraid and insecure,

On this ancient journey,

That will lead you home.

oops...

Messed up the first time with the strawberry video. Here is the link again.

Strawberry jam making - from field to table

With this heat we've had recently, the strawberries are coming in abundance. My sister was here over 2 days and harvested about 100lbs of strawberries, which she plans to freeze and make into jam. I haven't frozen any yet, but I did make jam, and I posted a little video about it. I hope you like it.

Peace

Pictures over the last 2 days

I am planning to make a short video this coming week, giving a tour of the farm and focusing on the vegetable crops. But for now, you can get a glimpse of that things look like through these pictures from the last couple of days.

Strawberry fields (thankfully not forever, because they're not easy to pick...)

 Foxgloves that Sena and Aiyana planted last year. I love foxgloves!

 

 Sugar snap peas.

 I don't know the name of this plant. It grows freely around our wood piles, and pollinators love it.

Peace

Movable chicken coop

Just uploaded a new 6min video on YouTube, showing a little bit of my chores this morning, and talking about our movable chicken coop design.

Peace

Remind you

A Little Surprise

I made another video to share a little surprise with you and some thoughts. It's just under 6 minutes long, and still very rough, and I have to warn you that Aiyana said it's boring. Nothing like kids to tell you the truth, right?

Peace

Joseph Campbell's Hero

I am still reading Joseph Campbell's The Hero With A Thousand Faces, and greatly enjoying it. There's so much amazing and insightful stuff in that book... So I wanted to share some parts of it. But I found out that Maria Popova wrote an essay named What Makes A Hero on it, so I'll just share that because she writes so well.

And if you have time, and I do hope you find time for this, take a look at How to find your bliss, another review of Campbell's work by Maria Popova.

Peace

My response to the Paris agreement

My response to Trump pulling out of the Paris agreement earlier this week?
Forget about Trump! We need to take responsibility for ourselves.

If we care about OUR future, and our children's future, and humanity's future, then we have the power and the responsibility to live accordingly. Let's stop looking to politicians and other public figures so much. Trump is an extreme example, and anyone could've predicted what he was going to do with the Paris agreement; but even if it weren't Trump, but someone more moderate in office, we've got to stop looking to others to act on our behalf.

Our lives and our future are in our hands much more than we currently acknowledge. We live too distracted and hurried and overwhelmed to see and care about what is most important. Our future is something we can make a difference about every day - through the way we live, the choices we make, the things we support or don't support, especially with our dollars, and so on. There are myriad ways to work towards a saner future for the humans and the earth, and they are accessible to all of us on an everyday level.

So let's stop giving so much power to our leaders or anyone else actually, and instead take the power and responsibility back for ourselves.

Live according to your beliefs, and let your life be a reflection of what you value.

Peace

A little video showing my morning routine

I made a 10 minute video to show my morning routine on the farm. It is very rough and low tech, because I did not have much time or know-how to edit it. But I just wanted to give an idea of what my mornings look like at this time of the year, and that it does. You can see some of the farm, the animals and the greenhouse, and hear my funny voice (does everyone think their voice sounds terrible?).

I updated the video to YouTube. Here it is.

Peace

Becoming who you are

In a world in upheaval, as we are right now, to be yourself is a revolutionary act.

When you become who you are, and are able to speak truth, no force will stop you. Paradoxically, becoming who you are will put you in a most vulnerable position, and yet, in that vulnerability lies your true strength.

But the hard part is how do you get the courage to walk this road? How do you become who you are when all you're taught and shown, more than that, when you know that all that is expected of you is to become someone else?

I cannot speak for others, but for me, I get courage by being outside, watching and being with nature. In nature, everything is what it is, and everything is unique. Also, there is infinite variation, everything has its place and purpose, and it all works together. I am a child of nature too, and when I think of that it gives me courage to be who I am.

I also find courage in knowing that there are a few people in my life that love me no matter what. And also, by realizing that despite the masks we put on, despite how we may look on the outside, most of us are afraid and insecure; most of us are suffering and trying to do what we think, rightly or wrongly, will relieve that suffering. We're all in this together.

I could say much more on this, but it is just words. The important thing is to do it, fumble and stumble, be terrified and exhilarated and anything else that comes up, but just do it.

Peace

Yesterday, throughout the day

Misty morning and my mother's flowers on the porch

Who's eagerly waiting at the door?

Out in the pasture, dewy and misty

Later in the day, the sun came out. I covered the lettuces to protect them from a woodchuck that was eating them. There are potatoes just barely coming up in the row at the left, and under the big hoops on the right, there is kale. The netting on top of it protects it from insects such as flea beetles, and cross striped caterpillars.

 The field at sunset, with onions and cilantro in the two rows at the right.

And a page from my journal.

"in the silences of his personal despair" - you know what that's about...
"It is not society that is to guide and save the creative hero, but precisely the reverse" - this makes me think of Chris Cornell and other sensitive people like him that give so much to the rest of society, but unfortunately, in many cases, do not get the empathy or support or whatever it is that they need to stay alive.

Peace