halloween party

my first halloween party - i had a great time.
kids had fun too - sena really wanted to be a butterfly, so grandma made her a beautiful costume. aiyana was a lion. not sure she knew the difference, but i think she enjoyed the festive atmosphere at the party...

stories

lately, i've been telling lots of stories. my family got into this habit, and now, before we go to sleep, we all lie in bed and tell stories. we take turns. first ed, then i, and sometimes even sena. she tells her own stories, which are a combination of my stories with ed 's and with stuff that happened to her during the day. sometimes she adds fantasy too.

storytelling is a great art. i learnt it from my grandmother. i'm not very good at it, but the nice thing about stories is that it doesn't matter too much. anyone can be a storyteller, i think, as long as they speak from the heart.
another grat thing about stories is that they make things come alive and make us feel connected in a way very few other things can. recently, for example, i've been telling sena stories about stanton. stanton's been dead for 2 years now, and i must admit that i haven't thought of him much being caught with daily life. i mean i feel that he's still part of me, but i just don't consciously think of him that much. but now that i'm telling stories about him, about the first day we brought him home, or the time he got sick, etc, i feel that he's alive again. i feel very close to him, and i feel that the stories themselves keep him alive in some way. what's really nice and unexpected is that sena now started talking about him as if she really knew him. she'll tell me something about him out of the blue, and she'll say that he's her dog. it just makes me feel really nice that she loves him even though she's never met him.

i also tell my daughters stories about my life in romania - things that happened as i grew up, with my friends, my grandmothers, my cousins, etc. sometimes, as i speak, the story takes over me, and i start reliving it. i don't have to make any effort to remember what happened or make the it go a certain way. it seems that all i have to do is start and then things go by themselves. the story tells itself and sena, aiyana and i just enjoy. i don't think that aiyana understands the content of the story yet. but i know that she feels comforted and safe as she listens, because as soon as we start she becomes very relaxed and falls asleep.

i know well that soothing quality of a person's voice as they tell a story. i remember it from my grandmother who always comforted us to sleep with her own stories. (i actually a wrote about her recently - i may post it sometime.)
i think my grandmother would be happy to know that some of the stories i tell sena and aiyana are ones she told my sister and i when we were young. some are from her own childhood. i can see now how amazing oral traditions must have been. not only do they keep things alive, but in the process they provide a bond between people, that i don't think can be matched by written stories or other media. when i read a book for example, or see a movie, the story itself can definitely draw me in; but to feel an actual bond with the person who wrote the story or made the movie, to feel connected w them on a personal, intimate level, that is rare.

there are lots of stories that i have, so far, kept to myself. stories that want to be told, just waiting for an open heart and a certain level of maturity.
when i grow up, that's what i want to do: tell stories.

peace

sena - a quiet moment

autumn tears

mon oct 22nd 2006

wrote these over the weekend. felt very low energywise - all i wanted to do is lie in bed with a book or listen to some music or something like that. got a break on sunday, when i only had aiyana and she fell asleep, and that's when i wrote these.

(fall)

fall is a drawing in
back in
deep inside the core
where everything starts
and everything returns

the trees look bare
on the outside
all plants drawing their energy
into the roots
delicious roots
of carrots, daikon, burdock...

i follow their lead
through no choice of my own
i feel the same stirrings they do
take over my whole being...

these days i'm quiet
the outward exuberance gone
back into the depths
into that innermost part
that is my guide, my comfort, my home

don't look to the outside
what looks dead and withered
pulsates with life, with new potential
deep inside the core.

nurture that and
watch yourself transform

even as everything seems to be dying
the seed of new life sprouts on

-----------------
(why i cry)

today's the kind of day
when i feel so emotional,
so sensitive, that my eyes
are ready to fill with tears at any moment

i cry for nothing, no specific reason
i cry for everything

i cry for lost innocence,
for shattered dreams and hopes -
mine and yours.

i cry for the pain and beauty
that transformations entail -
the transformations we all, inevitably, go through

i cry for my mother's childhood,
for my father's dog that got run over
for my grandmother and her unfulfilled love

i cry for those i love and hurt

i cry for myself
for the love and fear i feel inside:
love drowning me, taking over
and just when i'm about to do its bidding
fear cutting me down, holding me back -
i cry for that struggle

i cry for those who suffer
and those who make them suffer

i cry for how we regiment, regulate love
the most important thing there is
like regimenting air,
the air we need to breathe

i cry for all of us
for how we go through life
blind, deaf, numb, hurt, scared,
missing it all

i cry for the beauty of the moments
the split-seconds when we wake up
when something touches us
and lets us know we're still alive

i cry for the deceits,
the let-downs,
the heart-breaks
that shaped my life

i cry for the moments when,
having been numb for too long,
i feel a stirring and,
taken by surprise,
i smile to myself in silence: "hey, i'm still kicking"

i cry for how perfect this is
when you can look at it
from a certain distance...

peace

quitting pratt

(written on mon oct 9th, 2006)

today, i quit pratt & whitney. i called my boss this morning, and confirmed that i will not be returning to work.
it's hard to describe how i feel. this was a big decision. working at pratt, being an "engineer" defined my identity for the past 10 years or so. i had a lot of problems with this "definition", and yet it felt so comfortable, so me....
you know, when you first meet someone and they ask "so what do you do", i'd say i was an engineer, and then most people would make up their mind, at least partly, as to who i am (i do that too, of course, just becoming more aware of it lately). that label is no longer available now that i quit and don't plan to claim it bak any time soon.

after speaking to my boss, i went to my sister's house to pick her up for a hike. driving there, i suddenly experienced this free-falling sensation that i get when something really good or really bad happens. this time, it was both, or neither. maybe it was just uncertainty.

pratt, and engineering, have been such a big part of my life. ever since i was very young, i was surrounded by engineers in my family: my dad, my aunts and uncles. the other half of my relatives were doctors. so when it came to choosing a career, my choice was doctor or engineer. i tried to get into medical school at mcgill and didn't, so engineering it was. engineering school was a fun (on a social level), and graduate school, although not as much fun, was great from another point of view - it's where i really got to love what i was studying, or at least part of it: like fluids, thermodynamics, etc. these things were fascinating, but, unfortunately they ended with gradschool. working in industry had little to do with what i learnt in my studies.

getting a job at pratt was very exciting at first, and although i realized very soon that you don't need a masters, actually you don't even need a batchelors to do my job (just a few month of training would suffice), i was nevertheless very enthusiastic about learning everything i was learning and working on engines. my enthusiasm elicited a lot of positive response from my colleagues and bosses, so i felt appreciated. money was good too, very good for my standards, so for a few years things were great. eventually though i started feeling restless and....bored. not to drag this on too much, i'll just say that with time, i lost a lot of interest. i also beagn to realize that the career paths available to me at pratt were not too interesting. i didn't care for the politics of the place at all, so anything to do with management left me cold. as for the technical side, i guess there would have been some possibilities, but for some reason i didn't get too excited. so i kept doing what i knew how to do for 10 years, until i got pregnant with sena and the rest has pretty much been maternity leave. i have to say though, that i'm really touched and, to be honest, flattered that even with all the leaves of absence and maternity leaves i've been taking lately, they still wanted me back and were disappointed when i decided not to return.

it's hard to picture myself not as an engineer though. what will i say next time someone asks me what i do? "i'm staying home taking care of my kids"?...you know what kind of response that usually elicits (i know bc i used to think that stay-home mothers just didn't have anything better to do, so they settled for this mind-numbing existence). but as i wrote in previous blogs, after 3 years of mothering, i've found that staying home with the kids is a lot harder and a lot better (in many different ways) than people generally think.

so, as i drove my car this morning, sena and aiyana happy in the back seat, another gorgeous fall day that we get to enjoy hiking and doing whatever we want, i felt this wave of joy rise up inside of me. and i felt free. finally, i did it - this thing i've been thinking of for years, yet never had the courage to leap into before. it seems like the gorgeous weather today is perfect for celebrating. celebrating the fact that i am giving myself a chance to live differently. to explore new possibilities. i already have several ideas, things i want to do, most of which there is no space in my life for right now, but just thinking about them, having the freedom to chose what i do with my time, is exciting. what's most amazing though is the release that comes as i realize that i can just live each day on its own terms, without any agenda, any plans, or any great expectations. without anyone telling me what to do, where to be, etc. just me and my kids living one day at a time, as we have been for the past year. this feels so good to me right now.

i'm starting to appreciate and enjoy living with uncertainty. trusting that when and if the day comes that i'll want to do something other than taking care of my kids, things will work out and i'll find something. it's funny how these cliches are so true, and we don't really appreciate them until our own experience validates them.- like the fact that although my job provided a lot of security, at the same time it took over so much of my life that it left me very little freedom...

needless to say that everything i've said here so far would be irrelevant if ed weren't supportive of my decision to stay home. and if our lifestyle weren't allowing us to live on one salary. but fortunately, we live well and are more than happy with one income; as for ed, to say that he's supportive is an understatement. he's always encouraged me to follow and do that which is most meaningful to me, and i try to do the same with him, and fortunately this has not changed since we had kids.

peace

pics from a hike

went hiking a lot last week. so gorgeous...
tried to capture some of it in pics - feeble attempt of course, but here it is..

aiyana is 1

Aiyana turned 1 year old yesterday. What a beautiful day! Just like last year at this time. At around 4pm, the time when I gave birth, I found myself sitting under the apple tree where most of my labor took place, just being quiet and enjoying the wind, the sun, and everything around me. It was so nice to have this gorgeous weather and reminisce.

Looking back, I think that in many ways, the last year has been the hardest and the best year of my life. The hardest because life with two little ones can get that way. Lack of sleep, having to be available day and night, living on the brink of chaos much of the time - this and everything else got overwhelming at times (quite a lot of times).

It’s been the best year for several reasons, none of which fully describes how I feel.
First, I because I felt and still do that what I’m doing really matters and makes a difference. It’s very obvious that if I’m there for my kids, physically, emotionally, and everything else, we’re all much happier.

Second, during the course of the last year I’ve been present more than ever before. I find that the difficulties I experienced and described before have the flip side of forcing one to be present. I just couldn’t live on auto-pilot anymore. Life got too intense, requiring awareness and attention. In that sense I feel that I’ve lived much more in the last year than in previous years of my life.

I’ve noticed many things that have always been there but passed me by before. Like the seasons, for example. Living where I do and being outside everyday, I feel that I’ve really experienced winter, spring, summer and now fall. I’ve seen the trees change with each season, always beautiful. Seen birds make their nestss in the trees near my house in the spring, seen the chicks grow during the summer and now I’m seeing the empty nests they left behind. It’s really amazing, and all these observations have gone deeper than what I perceived with my eyes or what I tried to convey in words. They’ve become part of me, or rather I became part of them. I really feel that I am connected to all these changing things, the trees, the birds, the wind. I’m shifting with them.

I’m noticing for example how the cooler fall weather makes me feel so clear headesd. Or how the full and new moon affect me each month. I’m noticing how all this amazing fresh food I’ve had this past year affects me, and I am so thankful to the earth and the people growing the food.

Another nice thing I experienced over the past year is inspiration. Lots of inspiration. In my attempt to keep sane and somewhat calm, I’ve searched and grasped at anything that gave me a new perspective, that inspired me, that allowed me to expand my being and breathe easier. Two great sources of inspiration have been reading and music. Just a few lines of Rumi at the right time made a huge difference. Or Pema Chodron. Or Osho. And so many others.

My main source of inspiration however, came from people. People I’ve known for some time, and some that I met in the past year. Knowing that I’m not the only one dealing with chaos, hearing other people’s stories and experiences, seeing them as they are, has made me feel much more relaxed about my own situation, and has made me appreciate and love these people more. Just a few words at the right time, spoken with love and understanding, have saved me from feeling miserable and depressed many times, especially when aiyana was very young and I was dealing with lots of changes and exhaustion.

I am thinking for example, of my friend and midwife, kim, who told me in her gentle, caring way, that it’s ok if I don’t get to brush my teeth, and there‘s dirty laundry all over the house. She said - just take care of yourself and the baby, and some day you‘ll get to the rest.

Or my friend Sue, who’s give me these amazing one liners over the phone. At one point, when I felt particularly crazy, she said: just write down 3 things that you’re grateful for at this moment. I did that, posted it on my fridge, and felt better, my focus shifted in a positive direction.

Or my friend Jennifer, who’s one of those people who are so beautiful, in every way, that everything they touch also becomes beautiful. And I mean everything. When Jennifer cooks, the food looks beautiful, decorated w edible flowers and leaves. Whe she sings, her voice is eerie, penetrating, disturbing in its beauty. When she draws, I can’t stop staring at what she makes. Just one of those women that I feel truly blessed to have in my life. Totally inspiring, life-affirming, creative, crazy.

My mom has also been really supportive since Aiyana‘s birth. Several times, she came and spent 2-3 weeks at a time with us, helping me w the kids day and night, giving me a huge reprieve. I remember one day, when both sena and Aiyana had fallen asleep and my mom said - just go and do something for yourself. I drove to the general store, got a tea, and sat down on one of the wicker chairs outside, reading a book. I felt so amazing, savoring this time, just sitting there in the warm spring sunshine… people coming in the store were even commenting on how content I looked. When I got home, I gave my mom a big hug, and I meant it, knowing that this is the best way to thank her and show her how much I appreciated her help.

I’ve come to know and love all these people and many more, and this is the best thing that happened out of all the crazyness that has been my life over the last year.

So now that I sit here and write this, I am realizing that if I had to live my life the way I’ve been doing in the past year, that’d be ok. I’ve been cleaning a lot of pee off the floor, been woken up in the middle of the night a lot more than I’d like, been taking care of myself less than I’d like, been frustrated and overwhelmed a lot, been crying, been yelling more than I’d like, been doing nothing out of the ordinary with my life - and I love it. I really don’t want anything more than to continue to appreciate whatever little moments life brings me. I’m not looking for a perfect life (anymore) - and realizing that is…delicious.

peace

pictures

here are a few recent pictures of us and some little things that caught my eye on these beautiful fall days:

laptop

(written tue oct 2nd 2006 - posted sometime later...)

i got a laptop. i am so excited, because here i am now, being able to write anywhere, not having to make any special trips to the library, my sister's house, etc. actually, we only have wireless internet connection, so i'll still have to go somewhere if i want to access the net, but this is still a great improvement.

i feel a bit funny when someone asks why we got a laptop, and i say it's because i wanted to make it easier to write. when i say that, people automatically have expectations about my writing, and that makes me uneasy. it actually makes me so inhibited that i can't write anymore.
for me, writing is very personal. it's a great release. i can't say that i don't care what people think about my writing, because, obviously i do, otherwise i wouln't be sharing it. and yet, paradoxically, the more i focus on what others think, the less i want to do it.

it's hard to sum up why i like it so much..... i guess for me, writitng is about sharing myself. it's also about finding out what's in my heart. somehow, as i write, if i'm in the right frame of mind, not thinking about how this will sound or how it will be received, things come up that i did not expect and did not know were even there. so writing is a kind of cleansing, that always leaves me feeling lighter and happier.

writing is also about creating intimacy. the intimacy i experience in my dreams at night. all my life, i've had these dreams that are so hard to wake up from bc they're so beautiful. they're beautiful bc regardless of the scenario, the basic theme that runs through them is love. this is going to sound so flaky, but anyway...
in my dreams, i receive so much love, usually in the form of one person, and i also give back love, in a way that is much more open, natural, and free-flowing than i've ever experienced in real life. these dreams penetrate my whole being, and stay with me for days... they are usually so soothing that it takes me at least an hour to be able to get myself to a state where i can function again in the "real" world, in the awake mode.

i guess writing is a little like that, mostly because it allows me to share what's meaningful to me in a safe way.
i hope that if i write about my life honestly and openly, others may find it nice to read.

on to other things...
yesterday, i spoke to my boss from pratt. i am supposed to go back to (paid) work this month, and he wanted to have an update from me. i told him i would not be coming back. i felt bad doing this, like i was hurting him personnaly. cliff, my boss, is an amazing person, very easy going, very understanding. i like him a lot. i wish i could've been speaking to him about other things, something more fun, more cheerful. he gave me a week to think over my decision, till next monday...
i have so many conflicting feelings about this decision, so much anguish. a while ago, i summed it all up like this:

asking for guidance
(as i ponder / dread returning to work)

so how much do i sell myself for
this time?

is 30000 or so enough?
half-time, plus benefits,
and a retirement plan...

is that enough
for all those silent mornings
broken only by sleepy yawns of my children,
that i will have to miss?

enough to compensate
for the weariness that i know
will come to inhabit my soul?

is it enough
for all this freedom
that i have come to feel
and take for granted:
freedom to paint,
draw
sing
dance
cook
watch the sky
and just be as i am?

i picture myself back at work:
sitting at my computer
staring at it, empty-eyed...

walking to the bathroom
tired of so much sitting,
to find sterility,
women putting on makeup,
garbage can full of slightly-used paper towels,
it almost hurts to look at all the waste.

i picture the people i work with:
i like them,
they like me.
together, we are prisoners
of the system...

they have to pay their bills:
mortgages, car loans, college tuition...
some have to pay the doctors' bills.
nothing's free here.

some simply like their work.
they take it seriously

i like my colleagues,
but i don't see them radiant, and i am not inspired.
i am not myself.

will 30000 be enough
to cover the loss of Rumi?
loss of time, which will inevitably mean
loss of Rumi
and many other things
which help me get transported
into that most alive part of myself?

as i write this,
it seems so clear
just what i should do.
yet with that clarity,
old fears creep back:
fear of being judged,
of being labled,
of not having a "real job" again.
fear of being in need
helpless in old age, without......... retirement income?...

this prison is my own creation
(with your help -
we all help each other that way)
it's time to let it go.

awakening to new possibilities....
----------------

peace