money is time

time is money, i heard. but money is time, this i know. at this point i value the time more than the money.

i say this because i saw a friend recently that i hadn't seen in a while, and she, like many others seemed pretty surprised to hear that i am considering (very strongly) not returning to work. paid work, that is.

i explained to her that our lifestyle is very simple: we have inexpensive cars; are looking for a small and cheap house that we can hopefuly pay w/o getting in debt for the rest of our lives; i shop at the salvation army and the flea market; etc. so we can get by w/o needing to have a huge income. ed's salary provides more than enough at this point, and hopefuly in the near future he can cut down to a part-time work schedule and plant his trees the rest of the time.

there's no question that my time is more valuable than the extra money i could earn working. as long as we have enough cash to pay for moinimum necessities (this is subjective, i realize), and a little bit set aside just in case of emergency, we are happy.

our lives are going by, and i like to spend mine playing with sena and aiyana and all the other free spirits out there, rather than in the office. i like to spend my time watching the trees flower, the grass grow, and the clouds go by. you get the idea. oh, not to mention reading. or pursuing any interest i may be motivated to pursue. can extra cash make me want to give these things away? not at this point.

i realize how lucky i am to be in this position. lucky not to have to worry about my family's health, safety and other basic necessities. also lucky not to be driven by desire for so many things.

one day, i'm sure i'll work for money again. but hopefuly it won't be the major part of the day, and even more hopefuly it won't be for money primarily.

i never thought this way before i left work. i was too caught up in the daily routine, and i din't know what i was missing. i didn't know that it's fun to watch the grass grow. that i'd enjoy it so much. i used to think i'd go crazy with boredom being home with young children. you know, how about adult conversation? now i think it's the reverse. maybe they're bored with me. they're so much more intelligent, so much more spontaneous and free than i could ever be. bored? not quite. the only reason i've considered returning to work is, honestly, bc in some ways it would be so much easier than staying home taking care of them.

but anyway, these are just thoughts. and i hope they're not offensive to anyone. i know they make no sense.

but i hope that if anyone reads this, they do take the time to watch the trees, and the grass, and the birds, and the sky at least once in a while.

peace

ranting

things are good. out for a walk with the baby right now.
the trees are coming into flower. so beautiful, i want to hug them. sena does that sometimes...
the air smells so sweet. it's spring - time for hope.

a young man, staying home with his two kids. a 2 yr old and a 5 months old. the 2 yr old wonders off and almost drowns. the DCYF (dept of children and families) takes the kids away.
ok, so maybe he was negligent. maybe he deserved it. but i wonder if the people who took the kids away ever stayed home with their own very young children. do they know what that's like? how crazy things can get? did they consider offering this family some help instead? i think that the fact that the dad was staying home taking care of them is pretty commendable.

maybe the DCYF would take away my kids too if they saw our lifestyle. like the fact that i'm sleeping with both of them still...i mean isn't that too much love? sorry for the sarcasm!

well, you know, society has to clean itself of the "rotten apples". know what i mean? not help them, just get rid of them. people who are overwhelmed by their circumstances, we just put them in prison, take their kids away, etc. otherwise they'd get in the way of our...making money. they'd remind us too much that on some level, we are just like them. so we put them out of sight. you know like L. Cohen said in one of his songs "for the millions in the prisons, that wealth has set apart".

but anyway, i'm just off on a rant, and i'd better stop, because i really just want to tell that young father that i know what it's like, and i want to hug those kids and i really wish that everyone'd just get along and be happy. because it's just so great to be around, why make each other unhappy?

so...
"keep walking,
there's no place to go" (rumi)
peace

pretending

my love to everyone (assuming anyone reads this).
such a beautiful day today.

i have just one thing on my mind today:
it's ok to be down. it's ok to be weak. it's ok not to be always bright and cheery even if it's a beautiful spring day. sometimes we have to just let ourselves feel things, completely, without trying to transform them, without pretending. and i think it's important to remember that those who care for us will do so no matter what.

it's unbleivable how many people feel down and find themselves isolated because feeling depressed is not socially acceptable. in the past week, i've seen someone close to me, an older man, break down and cry, feel hopeless and out of control. i didn't know that depression could affect people as badly as he's affected. i've seen him become isolated and afraid of interracting with others. it's so sad - yet i can't help but think that on some deeper level he needs to go through this in order to come out at a different place that where he was at. and i can see how if he lets himself experience whatever comes, without too much judgement, it can be very healing. so i hope for the best.

things would be so much easier for everyone if we stopped pretending that things are always good and allowed some room for expressing sadness, melancholy, and so on without feeling awkward.

peace

sand mandala

an unexpected break today. i am hazy with sleep, and my mom took some pity on me, and said "go do something by yourself". i said "are you sure" and was out the door practically before she could answer me...

having my mom here is a great help. but i am still tired and worn out sometimes. other days i have so much energy. like yesterday. i gave sena so many piggyback rides, we just kept going and going and i wasn't tired. today, just walking from the couch to the door made me feel exhausted.

my mom, sena, aiyana and i went for a walk this morning. as i dragged my legs, feeling as if i was sleepwalking, it occured to me that my life is like a sand mandala. every year, a few tibetan monks come to uconn and spend a couple of weeks, (or maybe it is one month, i forget) creating a beautiful sacred sand mandala. their work is open to the public, so you can watch them put together countless grains of colored sand in beautiful, intricate patterns. their work seems so painstaking, so detailed. they work on the mandala the entire time they're here, and then, at the end, when it is all finished, they destroy it in a public ceremony.

my life is like that in some ways. every minute of every day, like another grain of sand. in and of themselves most moments seem meaningless, but over time, sometimes, i can see patterns forming, or can find some meaning in what i have been doing. yet ultimately i know that most things i put my energy into will be gone. the food i cook will be eaten. if i clean the house, it will soon be messy again. and so on. some things will hopefuly last longer. like the love i give my children.
hopefuly, one day, our lives and relationships will become a beautiful mandala. yet ultimately, i know that if i let myself be attached to the idea of a goal, i will have deceived myself. because time will erase and reshuffle everything like so many grains of sand. so i try to appreciate it all as it's happening instead. i realized that things don't have to be always perfect in order for me to appreciate them. there's something, a richness, even in the hard times.

speaking of riches, as i laid in bed the other night, having found a comfortable position in between sena and aiyana, i felt that i was the richest person in the world. it was a quick flash in my mind, but it makes me feel good every time i remember it. i really wish that everyone could feel that sometimes, regardless of their material circumstance. it is so healing...

peace

my week

just had a crazy week. called my sister sobbing on thursday and told her i needed help. kids were sick and i was overwhelmed, not having slept and feeling really worn out in general. roxi came over and things got better.

my parents are here now, so i am looking fwd to an easier week. last week, i had a few moments of relief - when sena and aiyana happened to be sleeping at the same time. laid down on the earth and felt the sun shine. more of this to come soon i hope...

peace