little things

i started a garden. the digging was hard, but now i'm planting, which is the fun part. i'm thinking of doing flowers and herbs, try to create a nice space for sitting and relaxing...

there's a baltimore oriole building a nest right next to my bedroom window. i'm quietly watching the whole process, as she flies back and forth all day with little bits of this and that. the nest looks like a pouch so far, and soon i think it will be ready for her to lay eggs. i'm so happy that she chose this spot, and can't wait to see the babies.

yesterday we saw a turtle on the road. it was crossing, very slowly, and when we saw it, we turned around and ed got out of the car to pick it up. but he was too late. a truck came by going really fast, and it ran right over the turtle hurling it up in the air. ed picked it up afterwards, and it was still out of its shell, but not moving at all. he put it in a creek nearby. i don't know if it was in shock or dead; it just felt so sad to witness the whole thing.

last year i picked up quite a few turtles who were trying to cross the road. i can't bear to drive by and leave them there, knowing they'll most likely get killed. sometimes i hate cars for the violence they do to living things. but of course, without a car, i would be miserable living here, not being able to get anywhere, etc.

this past weekend we went to the beach to see ed's parents. i wanted to pick shells and rocks for my garden. i found so many beautiful ones...in fact they were all beautiful, which made it hard (or easy) to pick. i ended up with quite a few, and i'm looking fwd to creating some nice designs with them. i'm esp attracted to spirals and circles.

if this posting is a little disjointed, well, it's the best i could do writing with 2 kids on my lap, pulling my hair, etc, you get the idea...

time for play now.

peace

more pics

more mudplay...
and a cuddle in the wagon
finally, aiyana's shoes. she insisted on walking with thse little plastic cups on her feet. she loves shoes and as you can see her idea of what a shoe is quite open-ended.

after the storm

these pics were taken after the storm that knocked over the tree in our yard. in the first one, you can see the power cables kind of hanging over the driveway.

the 2nd and 3rd pics are of Sena and Aiyana standing in the crater left behind by the uprooted tree. those huge vine-like things are roots... pretty impressive...

i added the last pic just bc i think it looks so crazy and funny. as you see, they dress themselves.

Mother's day

last weekend i had the nicest Mother's day gift. we were going to Rhode Island to see ed's mom, and before we got there, ed asked me what i wanted for mother's day and i said some time to myself. so we stopped at a small convenience store and i got a cup of cofee, and then ed drove to the beach, and dropped me off.

i had my books, my journal, my camping chair, coffee and some dark chocolate. i found a sheltered place, behind a sand dune, out of the wind but in full view of the ocean. i sat there, in the sun, having coffee and chocolate, reading, writing, taking in the ocean, the seagulls, the smell of salt in the air. i felt so happy, light and free. there were very few other people on the beach - which made the whole atmosphere quite different from what it is in the summer.

after some time, i packed up my stuff and walked to ed's mother's cottage.
that was all i needed.

peace

storm

a few day ago we had a big storm that some called a tornado. it only lasted minutes, but the winds were so high that a huge tree in our yard, bigger than Mother, was blown over. the roots came out of the ground, leaving behind a 6ft deep hole. the tree fell over the power lines taking them down, so we had live wires in the driveway for about 24hrs, before the power company came to fix them. (there were lots of trees down all over the place, so the power company was really busy).

we had no power for about 2 days. no stove, no water, etc. i wouldn't normally mind this, except for the fact that it threw our whole routine off and with kids, that can be difficult- we had to go out for meals, we could not play outside bc of the wires on the ground, etc. fortunately, my sister lives so close by that we've been practically living at her house over the past couple of days.

things are resolved now, and i'm really looking fwd to checking out the tree that fell, esp the roots and the hole it left behind in the ground.

peace

apple blossoms and petals fallen to the ground

the apple blossoms lasted only one week. they smelled "delightful", as my friend richard put it, and when they fell to the ground, on a windy day, it was amazing. they were dancing and swirling on the wind, and it looked like a magical snowfall.

chores

in the springtime it is so easy to see the Earth as a living being. things seem to happen litteraly before our eyes. one day the trees are bare, the next they are alive with the brightest shade of green. the flowers on the trees bud, bloom and fall to the ground within a week for most trees around here. and the birds - one week the outdoors is relatively quiet, and the next there's an entire chorus of them singing and playing in the trees, bushes, even in the pile of sticks where the groundhog lives.

i was thinking the other day that if you filmed the unfolding of Nature for a week, let's say, and then sped up the film, there'd be no argument then that these beings around us, the trees, the plants and everything are truly alive. theoretically, we all know they're alive, but how many people treat a tree like a truly living being?

i feel that my senses have been dulled so much, maybe by too much city life, by lack of awareness, and who knows what else; how could it have taken me so long to realize these things? but it doesn't matter so much; all i can say is that i feel truly lucky; this is my idea of paradise, right here, and i am living in it. springtime makes it so easy to feel blissful.

on a different topic...

last week, ed and i were having some hard time over stuff that needs to be done in the house. neither one of us likes to do laundry, for example, especially the folding and putting away part. so, as a result, laundry sometimes accumulates on our back porch, where the washing machine is, in a pile of dirty clothes, pretty nasty, not to mention that we can't even walk to the door bc of it.

so a thought occured to me and i later shared it w ed. i told him that i felt that we shouldn't do anything unless we can find a way to do it joyfully. i know it sounds like the laundry will never get done this way; but i don't think it needs to be like that.

my feeling was more that we should not do things if we're going to do them in bad spirit. because with all the things that need to be done on a daily basis, we'd end up spending our lives feeling miserable and resentful. so i think it really important to figure how we can bring joy into doing what needs to be done, the dishes, the laundry, cleaning the toilet, whatever. for me, seeing chores as part of my own spiritual discipline works, it lets me bring joy into it. or just thinking about having a clean floor, without too much stuff sticking to my feet as i walk by, at least for a day.

so i told ed that if he can't figure out a way to do the laundry joyfully, or at the minimum without resentment and negativity, then he shouldn't do it. i'd be ok with that, and hopefuly i'll be able to pick it up. and maybe he'll pick up something i can't do. i really think this can work, bc i know that we both want it to, and we respect each other enough not to take advantage of the other.

so it's been a week since we've talked about all this, and i have to say that, at least for this short while, things have been working better. at least as far as the laundry goes, we can actually walk outside through the back porch w/o tripping on clothes and hampers. i can't say that joy came by itself when i was doing laundry; of course i would've preferred to be sitting under the tree reading my book; but that's not the point. at the time, as i did the laundry, i just kept reminding myself that i can turn this too into something positive, that this time is precious and i can enjoy it; enjoy the breeze i felt as i folded; or the sweet smell of blooming apple trees; and other little things like that; it kind of worked.

peace and Happy Mother's Day!

more pics

here are some pics of aiyana, and me, and the tree in front of our house which we call "Mother", and a cool cloud floating by last night (i thought that it looked like someone's profile, with wind blowing from the back)

pics

these are some pictures of my sister and us at Bakerwoods (a little farm closeby); the blossoms and nest are on the apple tree i like to sit under. the nest had a mama and 3 chicks in it last year; it's empty so far this year, but i'm waiting...

a breath of fresh air

one day this week, out of the blue, i had the realization that i'm really not as smart as i think i am. surprisingly, instead of making me feel bad, critical of myself or anything like that, this thought made me feel free. it's as if something hard broke, or cracked just a little, and a breath of fresh air came through. in realizing that i really don't know as much as i think i do, that i really don't have anything figured out, i felt all these possibilities open up; all of a sudden there was space, freedom, and relief at not having to be in control, not having to know.

it's good to let go of that need to know, and even more so, of the need to be right; this realization lasted just a moment, but even the memory of it is enough to make me feel refreshed, and a little more bouncy...

why is it so hard to be free within ourselves? how many people do you know that are truly free? people that can be playful and allow themselves a whole repertoire of thought and emotion, while still, somehow being responsible and sensitive in their interactions with others.
why do we as adults get so boring and narrow-minded? or so insensitive? why are we so crazy wasting our lives unlived, all these moments passing us by, while we are asleep...

but maybe, more importantly, i should ask myself how to be done with these things, how to step away even just a little bit, to breathe a little easier and live a little lighter. i'll let you know when i find out.

peace

my friend the groundhog

sitting under the apple tree again; blue sky, white clouds, pink blossoms over my head; countless birds chirping; "mother" and all the other trees bright green in the sun once again;

my good friend the groundhog was just out grazing; i saw him and he saw me, we looked at each other for a moment and then he scurried into the stick pile that is his home; i've been dumping some compost there lately just for him; i'm really fond of him; grounhog day was special to me to begin with and now it's even more so; ed thinks we should relocate the groundhog if we want to have any veges left in our garden, but i'm attached to him.

i'm also getting attached to the hawk that's been visiting us every day. he doesn't come for me, he comes for the 6 chicks we have in the chicken coup. i don't want to let them out until they're big enough to fend for themselves. right now the hawk would have them for a quick snack; but even so, i can't help but love the hawk; so beautiful, so sure of herself in flight; and her call, so clear and shrill, as if she were reminding everyone to wake up and live.

all this going on around me; all this life, and i feel blissed out as i sit here silently, while my children are sleeping. i absolutely love this feeling.

reading an interesting, thought-provoking, mind-expanding book called "breakfast at the victory", by James Carse. some books come just at the right time, answering questions you didn't even know you had. this is definitely one of them. here's a quote i liked:
"the highest achievement of the spiritual life is within the full embrace of the ordinary."

peace