i was talking to my friend jennifer on the phone this morning, telling her about how i feel so drawn to painting, yet i cannot do it. i would love to paint, and i feel a strong connection, and desire to do so, but at the same time, there's a huge block that comes up as soon as i even think of painting. partly, this block has to do with my schooling when i was very young. the only painting experience i have comes from elementary school, where we were mostly discouraged from pursuing anything that might qualify as our own style; out teacher expected us to paint what she showed us, or told us, and she expected it to look a certain way... anyway, that was a long tme ago, and it's pretty much my only experience with painting.
but i have a lot of dreams in which i paint, or see beautiful paintings that other people made. i marvel at them, and then when i wake up i realize that i made them, i created them; yet if i even think of actually trying it out in waking life, i shut down right away. i try too hard and i judge myself way too harshly, and everything ends up a disappointment, so every time i've tried to paint i've just give up. this makes me really sad, but my desire still persists.
so i was telling jennifer about this on the phone, and was almost crying about it. she is very creative and expressive, and very sensitive, and suggested that i need to get out of my head, and just paint my feelings, just as sena told me to do a couple of days ago. she suggested that i try meditating, or listening to music, or whatever may work to make me relax. i followed her advice. i put on peter gabriel's "secret world live", which i've been really connecting with lately. i lit some sage, and almost instantly, i felt myself lighten up, and started to move. i could feel the joy and excitement and i just let myself be. soon enough i pulled out the paints and knew what i wanted to paint right away: i wanted to paint mamaia's death (or life). i had been dancing and going with the music, and at one point i sat down and just started to do it. i was still being a little analytical, but it didn't get in my way too much. mostly things felt good. i painted a mutlicolor background, with lots of red and purple, and an orange/yellow river flowing through it accross the page. mamaia's life is that river. and the background is everything. i felt really good making this simple painting, even though my censor says it's no good. then i started to listen to Lhasa and painted some more.
this was a cool experiment. i'd like to do more. it's so hard to get over that threshold of judgement, fear, self-censorship, or whatever it is that stops me. it's hard to let go. but it's so fun to do it!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
painting my feelings
this morning, i was really missing mamaia, and i told sena and aiyana about it. sena got quiet for a moment, and then she said to me: "do you want to paint how you feel about her? maybe that would make you feel better."
i thought that this was an amazing suggestion....
i thought that this was an amazing suggestion....
turtles
yesterday, we went to the library, and had a really special, unexpected experience. behind the library, we saw 19 little baby turtles coming out of a hole in the ground. baby snapping turtles, just hatched, and we stood there watching them in awe. i felt like it was such a privilege to witness this, and even the kids were moved by the experience, and were very quiet and respectful. the library maintenance man was there, and he told us that he saw the mother snapping turtle lay her eggs in that spot every year in february. he said that she's big, maybe 2ft in diameter, and when she comes, she digs a hole in the ground, deposits her eggs, and then goes back down to the water, where she came from. on her way to the pond (behind the library), she leaves a scent marking a trail for the babies to follow. i find it amazing that the mother makes the trip from the pond all the way to the library (she has to go through the woods and then across the parking lot), in the winter, then digs the frozen ground, and then leaves her babies there. i also find it quite moving that the babies are on their own from the begining, left to rely purely on their instinct on their treacherous trip back to the pond.
of course, the kids and i really want to read up on snapping turtles now, and make a mini-project out of it. it would be interesting to verify the info the maintenance man gave us, and find out more.
unfortunately, the babies coming out of the hole were going all over the parking lot, trying to follow their mother's trail. one of them got squished soon after he emerged, i don't know how, but probably someone stepped on it. they were so tiny, easy to miss unless you paid attention, and they were everywhere. so the few of us who were there (librarians, maintenance man, our friend dianne, and us),decided to bring them down to the pond and spare them the trip through the parking lot and the woods. i hope this didn't mess them up, we were hesitating quite a bit before deciding to interfere...but we could easily see lots of them getting killed before they had a chance to make it very far.
dianne, the kids and i took them to the pond. we put them down in the mud, on the shore, and it wasn't long before they found their way in the water, and disappeared.
when we got back to the library, there was another little turtle coming out of that same hole, and this time, i took it to the pond all by myself, while the kids and dianne went in the library. i'm glad that i went alone, because i had a really cool experience with this little friend. before i put him down in the water, i held him up in my hand and looked at him. he stretched his little neck and seemed to be looking back straight at me for a moment. even though he was so tiny, his eyes seemed wise and ancient. as we peered at each other, i felt something stir inside of me, and i almost started to cry. then he started to squirm and i took that as a signal that he wants to go. i put him down in the mud and off he went into the water.
i didn't understand my experience right away, but as i thought about it during the day, it kept making me feel weird as if i had been touched by something mysterious. i felt a bond with this little creature and his ancient eyes. when he looked at me, i felt like another soul was looking into me from beyond time.
this morning, the kids and i were looking up turtles in the encyclopedia, and it turns out that their lineage is the most ancient on the evolutionary scale, older than that of the dinosaurs. learning this moved me, and i felt that it confirmed what i saw in those tiny eyes.
unfortunately, i didn't have my camera with me, so i don't have any pictures to share....
but i'm left with this feeling, and that is enough.
of course, the kids and i really want to read up on snapping turtles now, and make a mini-project out of it. it would be interesting to verify the info the maintenance man gave us, and find out more.
unfortunately, the babies coming out of the hole were going all over the parking lot, trying to follow their mother's trail. one of them got squished soon after he emerged, i don't know how, but probably someone stepped on it. they were so tiny, easy to miss unless you paid attention, and they were everywhere. so the few of us who were there (librarians, maintenance man, our friend dianne, and us),decided to bring them down to the pond and spare them the trip through the parking lot and the woods. i hope this didn't mess them up, we were hesitating quite a bit before deciding to interfere...but we could easily see lots of them getting killed before they had a chance to make it very far.
dianne, the kids and i took them to the pond. we put them down in the mud, on the shore, and it wasn't long before they found their way in the water, and disappeared.
when we got back to the library, there was another little turtle coming out of that same hole, and this time, i took it to the pond all by myself, while the kids and dianne went in the library. i'm glad that i went alone, because i had a really cool experience with this little friend. before i put him down in the water, i held him up in my hand and looked at him. he stretched his little neck and seemed to be looking back straight at me for a moment. even though he was so tiny, his eyes seemed wise and ancient. as we peered at each other, i felt something stir inside of me, and i almost started to cry. then he started to squirm and i took that as a signal that he wants to go. i put him down in the mud and off he went into the water.
i didn't understand my experience right away, but as i thought about it during the day, it kept making me feel weird as if i had been touched by something mysterious. i felt a bond with this little creature and his ancient eyes. when he looked at me, i felt like another soul was looking into me from beyond time.
this morning, the kids and i were looking up turtles in the encyclopedia, and it turns out that their lineage is the most ancient on the evolutionary scale, older than that of the dinosaurs. learning this moved me, and i felt that it confirmed what i saw in those tiny eyes.
unfortunately, i didn't have my camera with me, so i don't have any pictures to share....
but i'm left with this feeling, and that is enough.
little Buddha
my friend Marcia introduced us to this magical spot by the river last sunday.
even feisty Aiyana seemed to be in awe of the powerful presence of this place.
even feisty Aiyana seemed to be in awe of the powerful presence of this place.
Friday, August 22, 2008
home-schooling
so i guess we made the decision not to send sena to Kindergarden this year (she could've gone this september). this seems to bother a lot of people, which we expected.
so we'll be home-schooling this year, and we all feel good with this decision (i mean the kids, ed and i). next year, we'll re-assess based on how everyone feels.
i'm reading a lot of stuff on education - public education, home education, everything accross the board. also, being involved with Mansfield Advocates for Children (MAC) gives me some important insights into the standards of education kids are expected to meet, at least as defined by the state of Connecticut. i like having this info and making my own decisions about what to adopt and what to modify relative to their guidelines.
i was very nervous about the homeschooling thing for a while. it's like homebirth, you get so much negative feedback, so much criticism, even (or maybe especially) from people who mean well. but, like with homebirth, the more i read, the more i become familiar with the territory, the more at ease i feel. especially with homeschooling, i like the idea of reassessing every year. seeing what works and what doesn't and modifying accordingly. that leaves everything open...
in any case, i feel lucky to have the opportunity to even make this decision; i also have a lot of support among friends who do or do not home-school themselves. i'm grateful for all the support, and also for everyone's concerns, whichever way they may be expressed.
peace
so we'll be home-schooling this year, and we all feel good with this decision (i mean the kids, ed and i). next year, we'll re-assess based on how everyone feels.
i'm reading a lot of stuff on education - public education, home education, everything accross the board. also, being involved with Mansfield Advocates for Children (MAC) gives me some important insights into the standards of education kids are expected to meet, at least as defined by the state of Connecticut. i like having this info and making my own decisions about what to adopt and what to modify relative to their guidelines.
i was very nervous about the homeschooling thing for a while. it's like homebirth, you get so much negative feedback, so much criticism, even (or maybe especially) from people who mean well. but, like with homebirth, the more i read, the more i become familiar with the territory, the more at ease i feel. especially with homeschooling, i like the idea of reassessing every year. seeing what works and what doesn't and modifying accordingly. that leaves everything open...
in any case, i feel lucky to have the opportunity to even make this decision; i also have a lot of support among friends who do or do not home-school themselves. i'm grateful for all the support, and also for everyone's concerns, whichever way they may be expressed.
peace
my friend's garden
one of my friends asked me to feed her cat while she's on vacation. so the girls and i went over to her house yesterday, and that actually turned out to be the highlight of our day.
my friend has a beautiful garden; i went over to look at her flowers and her vegetables, and at one point, i heard a faint humming. i realized it was a tiny humming bird, which was drawn to the garden as i was. i must've been really quiet, because the hummingbird didn't seem to mind me very much, and went about looking for nectar from flower to flower. i was able to watch it for quite a while, and i felt happy to do so.
in the meantime, the kids were very busy laughing and playing on my friend's swing, a small distance from the garden. this swing is amazing, and everyone agrees that it's the best. it's hung from a really high branch in a tree - it's probably hanging down 30 ft or so, and as a result it swings out really far and high, and it does so quite slowly. it's a little scary seeing the kids go up so high, but they love it, and they hold on tightly, and they say that they can see above the tree tops. they say it feels like flying.
here are some pictures from my friend's garden:
a couple of butterflies also came by when i was there...
and here is the famous swing:
this buddha was hidden among the pumpkin and lavender in the garden
peace
my friend has a beautiful garden; i went over to look at her flowers and her vegetables, and at one point, i heard a faint humming. i realized it was a tiny humming bird, which was drawn to the garden as i was. i must've been really quiet, because the hummingbird didn't seem to mind me very much, and went about looking for nectar from flower to flower. i was able to watch it for quite a while, and i felt happy to do so.
in the meantime, the kids were very busy laughing and playing on my friend's swing, a small distance from the garden. this swing is amazing, and everyone agrees that it's the best. it's hung from a really high branch in a tree - it's probably hanging down 30 ft or so, and as a result it swings out really far and high, and it does so quite slowly. it's a little scary seeing the kids go up so high, but they love it, and they hold on tightly, and they say that they can see above the tree tops. they say it feels like flying.
here are some pictures from my friend's garden:
a couple of butterflies also came by when i was there...
and here is the famous swing:
this buddha was hidden among the pumpkin and lavender in the garden
peace
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
acomplishments
the topic at our women's circle last night was accomplishments. how do we define achievements or accomplishments for ourselves, and what some examples in our current lives?
it was an interesting discussion, and it made me think a lot. we all knew that one way of defining 'accomplishment' is, for instance, getting a diploma, being in a prestigious position, something involving some sort of external recognition; none of us felt really drawn to defining our accomplishments this way. instead, it turned out that we we felt good about in our lives were smaller things, of a mundane nature, less likely to jump out at anyone else. things that have most significance on a personal level, and don't lend themselves well to comparison and outside judgement.
unfortunately, the words 'achievement' and 'accomplishment' can have negative connotations, by being associated with bragging, or aggrandizing oneself. because of this, many of us were reluctant to recognize anything as such in our lives. but once we were able to get over the negative connotation, we just simply talked about achievemetns as things we felt good about in our lives, things we worked hard at and feel proud about in a quiet, internal kind of way.
here are some examples of what i consider achievements at this time in my life (these are also things i feel grateful for. ):
-my relationship with my children (not my children themselves, because i don't think of them in those terms, but the relationship we built so far)
-being present; so if i'm doing the laundry, for example, and i'm really there with it, as opposed to thinking about a million other things and having my mind wonder all over the place, i feel happy about that;
-being content most of the time, and being able to appreciate the beauty and abundance present in my life.
peace
it was an interesting discussion, and it made me think a lot. we all knew that one way of defining 'accomplishment' is, for instance, getting a diploma, being in a prestigious position, something involving some sort of external recognition; none of us felt really drawn to defining our accomplishments this way. instead, it turned out that we we felt good about in our lives were smaller things, of a mundane nature, less likely to jump out at anyone else. things that have most significance on a personal level, and don't lend themselves well to comparison and outside judgement.
unfortunately, the words 'achievement' and 'accomplishment' can have negative connotations, by being associated with bragging, or aggrandizing oneself. because of this, many of us were reluctant to recognize anything as such in our lives. but once we were able to get over the negative connotation, we just simply talked about achievemetns as things we felt good about in our lives, things we worked hard at and feel proud about in a quiet, internal kind of way.
here are some examples of what i consider achievements at this time in my life (these are also things i feel grateful for. ):
-my relationship with my children (not my children themselves, because i don't think of them in those terms, but the relationship we built so far)
-being present; so if i'm doing the laundry, for example, and i'm really there with it, as opposed to thinking about a million other things and having my mind wonder all over the place, i feel happy about that;
-being content most of the time, and being able to appreciate the beauty and abundance present in my life.
peace
what have we been up to?
ed and aiyana sharing a breakfast sandwich on the couch, on saturday morning...
sena and ed showing off some of their crop
the beach...
we went to rhode island to visit ed's parents on sunday. we spent most of the day at their house for a family gathering, and we only made it to the beach in the evening as the sun went down. it was lovely, everything looked soft in shades of pink and blue...
we slept there on sunday night, and on monday we went to the beach with ed's mom, and the kids. sena tried floating on a boogie board and only got knocked down once, and aiyana did some jumping in the waves with grandma holding on to her. it was pretty fun.
here's the four of us:
i'm looking forward to more time at the beach, especially in september when the crowds disappear and the weather is still beautiful. it's my favorite time to go...
sena and ed showing off some of their crop
the beach...
we went to rhode island to visit ed's parents on sunday. we spent most of the day at their house for a family gathering, and we only made it to the beach in the evening as the sun went down. it was lovely, everything looked soft in shades of pink and blue...
we slept there on sunday night, and on monday we went to the beach with ed's mom, and the kids. sena tried floating on a boogie board and only got knocked down once, and aiyana did some jumping in the waves with grandma holding on to her. it was pretty fun.
here's the four of us:
i'm looking forward to more time at the beach, especially in september when the crowds disappear and the weather is still beautiful. it's my favorite time to go...
cosmos collage
i put this together with a few pics i recently took around our house. sena and aiyana and i planted cosmos seeds in my garden this spring, and now the flowers are big and many and look beautiful...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
how it is
things have been pretty over overwhelming since sunday. there's so much to do, all the time...
it feels like all i'm doing is cooking, laundry, cleaning, non-stop, and even so, my place looks like a disaster... i'll spend the whole afternoon cooking, for instance, and then it's gone so fast...but at least i have the satisfaction of knowing that we're eating well. still, at times, it gets overwhelming. laundry too, i just can't keep up with it. and as opposed to cooking, which i love, i'm not crazy about laundry. so i'm always trying to get rid of stuff, so that i don't end up with baskets of clean laundry piled around the house, waiting to be put away.
i wish i had more time to just be with the kids and do fun stuff together. sena's so into reading now, for instance, and she's catching on to it really quickly, but i don't feel like we're spending enough time on it, to really take advantage of her enthusiasm for learning at this point.
the girls and i did get some fun in this week though...
yesterday, we went blueberry picking, and we were the only ones there, and we picked about 5 lbs, which isn't much; but the best part was sitting on our blanket by the blurberry bushes, having a picnic, just the three of us. we watched a turkey vulture and then a hawk circle in the sky above us, and talked about little things, and the whole thing had a really sweet feeling to it.
today, sena had her first appointment at the dentist, and she was really good about it, she let them check her teeth, and she was really proud of herself. aiyana was also very patient waiting for sena to be done, and the whole thing went smoothly, and then they got prizes at the end. it flet like a nice experience that we shared together, esp. since sena was pretty nervous about it in the beginning; when we were done, we went out to lunch to celebrate. i'm realizing more and more these days just how much i enjoy my kids' company...
a couple of days ago, one of us broke a plate. later that night, when we were in bed, sena looked me in the eye, and said "mom, everything breaks in the end". she wasn't asking me, she was telling me, and all i could do is shake my head yes.
it feels like all i'm doing is cooking, laundry, cleaning, non-stop, and even so, my place looks like a disaster... i'll spend the whole afternoon cooking, for instance, and then it's gone so fast...but at least i have the satisfaction of knowing that we're eating well. still, at times, it gets overwhelming. laundry too, i just can't keep up with it. and as opposed to cooking, which i love, i'm not crazy about laundry. so i'm always trying to get rid of stuff, so that i don't end up with baskets of clean laundry piled around the house, waiting to be put away.
i wish i had more time to just be with the kids and do fun stuff together. sena's so into reading now, for instance, and she's catching on to it really quickly, but i don't feel like we're spending enough time on it, to really take advantage of her enthusiasm for learning at this point.
the girls and i did get some fun in this week though...
yesterday, we went blueberry picking, and we were the only ones there, and we picked about 5 lbs, which isn't much; but the best part was sitting on our blanket by the blurberry bushes, having a picnic, just the three of us. we watched a turkey vulture and then a hawk circle in the sky above us, and talked about little things, and the whole thing had a really sweet feeling to it.
today, sena had her first appointment at the dentist, and she was really good about it, she let them check her teeth, and she was really proud of herself. aiyana was also very patient waiting for sena to be done, and the whole thing went smoothly, and then they got prizes at the end. it flet like a nice experience that we shared together, esp. since sena was pretty nervous about it in the beginning; when we were done, we went out to lunch to celebrate. i'm realizing more and more these days just how much i enjoy my kids' company...
a couple of days ago, one of us broke a plate. later that night, when we were in bed, sena looked me in the eye, and said "mom, everything breaks in the end". she wasn't asking me, she was telling me, and all i could do is shake my head yes.
Monday, August 11, 2008
what a party!
oh my god, i had such a blast this weekend! we went to a party on saturday, and there was live drumming and dancing, and i got so into it, i even did a cartwheel at one point; the kids were dancing along too, and the drumming was crazy, and there was some amazing jamaican food cooked by my friend's boyfriend who's a chef, and is jamaican. there were tons of mosquitoes too, but they weren't biting when i was dancing. i loved it, i was so wired after the party, i couldn't sleep for half the night. i just love to dance...
Saturday, August 09, 2008
the other side of innocence
some part of me aches with the knowledge of my children, all children, losing their innocence, purity, openness, their acceptance of themselves and others... it's part of living in the world.
i can already see it happening with some of sena's friends. slowly and imperceptibly at first, they start to talk and act in a certain way that they think is more grown-up like, and already they seem jaded and worn out. not that i believe in sheltering children. i celebrate the world and its grittiness; i enjoy throwing myself at it with open arms, but still, it's sad....
on the other hand, i think that if you want to know beauty in life, if you want to live and know it intimately, you can't shelter yourself from suffering. i don't think my children really understand beauty now, because for them, everything is beautiful. they have no reference point, no division. their hearts are so open, how could anthing be otherwise?
me, on the other hand, i've lied and been lied to, i've been deceitful and been deceived, i've hurt people and i've been hurt; and on the other side of these things, i found grace, and came to know about beauty. it's the separation from the bliss and certainly we are born with that causes us suffering, but that same separation, for me, is the only way to beauty.
yesterday, i was comforting a friend who's going through a hard time with her boyfriend. they've separated, and she doesn't know whether they'll be together again or not. she's so in love with him.... and she's heart-broken. some of our other friends think that she should stop thinking about him, and are mad at him for not treating her right (they broke up when she was sick with lyme disease). but i know that she can't stop thinking of him. i know how she feels, i've been there. there was nothing i could do for her, or anyone can do for her right now, except maybe listen and let her share what she needs to.
one thing i wanted to tell her was to treasure this time. even though it's hard to be with these feelings, even though she's crying and yearning for some resolution, this time is precious and beautiful; i told her that she'll be happy again, whether things turn out the way she wants them to or not; now the feelings are too intense, but some day she'll be able to look back on this and feel grateful for having experienced it. she'll love it because it's a precious part of her life, which brought her closer to truth. at least that's been my experience.
i can already see it happening with some of sena's friends. slowly and imperceptibly at first, they start to talk and act in a certain way that they think is more grown-up like, and already they seem jaded and worn out. not that i believe in sheltering children. i celebrate the world and its grittiness; i enjoy throwing myself at it with open arms, but still, it's sad....
on the other hand, i think that if you want to know beauty in life, if you want to live and know it intimately, you can't shelter yourself from suffering. i don't think my children really understand beauty now, because for them, everything is beautiful. they have no reference point, no division. their hearts are so open, how could anthing be otherwise?
me, on the other hand, i've lied and been lied to, i've been deceitful and been deceived, i've hurt people and i've been hurt; and on the other side of these things, i found grace, and came to know about beauty. it's the separation from the bliss and certainly we are born with that causes us suffering, but that same separation, for me, is the only way to beauty.
yesterday, i was comforting a friend who's going through a hard time with her boyfriend. they've separated, and she doesn't know whether they'll be together again or not. she's so in love with him.... and she's heart-broken. some of our other friends think that she should stop thinking about him, and are mad at him for not treating her right (they broke up when she was sick with lyme disease). but i know that she can't stop thinking of him. i know how she feels, i've been there. there was nothing i could do for her, or anyone can do for her right now, except maybe listen and let her share what she needs to.
one thing i wanted to tell her was to treasure this time. even though it's hard to be with these feelings, even though she's crying and yearning for some resolution, this time is precious and beautiful; i told her that she'll be happy again, whether things turn out the way she wants them to or not; now the feelings are too intense, but some day she'll be able to look back on this and feel grateful for having experienced it. she'll love it because it's a precious part of her life, which brought her closer to truth. at least that's been my experience.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
sunshine and rain
we had some nice storms lately. one day last week, it started raining really hard all of a sudden, but the sun was still out and it looked really pretty. i took this picture right outside our front door.
when the rain stopped, a beautiful rainbow appeared. we all ran out to look at it. those two people you see in the picture are our neighbors matt and shandra:
finally, this is one of my favorite pictures of aiyana, taken this week:
when the rain stopped, a beautiful rainbow appeared. we all ran out to look at it. those two people you see in the picture are our neighbors matt and shandra:
finally, this is one of my favorite pictures of aiyana, taken this week:
an accidental find
i accidentaly come accross a book called "the portable jack kerouac" on the 'for sale' shelf at the library. i was kind of yearning for a new book to read, and this came along, falling perfectly, it seems, in line with what i wanted. i haven't read any kerouac until now, but this book provides a nice compilation of his work. i opened it up and read it at random places, and so far i'm very much drawn to it.
i want to share this little haiku poem from it, which i love. it's so simple and pretty, and i find that it captures my view and experience of religion perfectly:
"The taste
of rain
- Why kneel?"
I also like kerouac's view of writing and literature, which he describes as follows:
"a tale told for companionship and to teach something religious, of religious reverence, about real life, in this real world which literature should... reflect".
i want to share this little haiku poem from it, which i love. it's so simple and pretty, and i find that it captures my view and experience of religion perfectly:
"The taste
of rain
- Why kneel?"
I also like kerouac's view of writing and literature, which he describes as follows:
"a tale told for companionship and to teach something religious, of religious reverence, about real life, in this real world which literature should... reflect".
hero post-script
just wanted to throw in another comment on the movie 'hero', which i recommended in an earlier posting. i said that the version to watch is the chinese one with english subtitles, as opposed to the american one. in the original chinese version, if you've seen the movie, the rebel 'broken sword' scribbles 3 words in the sand: "all under heaven". in the american version, these words are translated as "our land". maybe they were trying to arouse a patriotic sentiment with this translation, i don't know, but i think it is a world apart from the original meaning....
Singapore update
it seems like the singapore thing is dead. ed's boss wanted an absolute minumum of 2 years, and we didn't want to commit to that long. one year was our preference and 1.5 our max. so it's dead for now.
no bad feelings on either side, i think.
no bad feelings on either side, i think.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
so much sweetness
sena's been coming up with some really nice imagery lately.
one night, we were talking, and she said to ed, aiyana and i: "i love you so much. my love feels like so many baloons coming out of my body, flying in all directions, up into the sky". she opened her arms wide in a circle around her, to show us what she meant.
i love this image she created. to me, love is just like that. many baloons flying up into the sky. when you love someone, you may or may not be together, your lives may move in different directions, but the love is there, floating around in the sky, with a life of its own.
another time, the four of us were getting ready for bed at night, when sena said: "i love you guys so much. i feel like the four of us are attached around our hearts with a rope, and even when we go away from each other, we are still close together."
finally, last week, she said to me: "mom, even though mamaia didn't speak my language (she only spoke romanian), i understood what she was saying." i asked her how she understood, and she said "my body just knew".
to me, these statemetns are so simple and profound. they reveal such openness and beauty, and i feel humbled by them. i feel blessed to be in the presence of such pure energy as children have.
aiayna's also been very affectionate. i sometimes complain about the inconveniences that arise from sleeping with my children, but i have to say that overall, the sweetness of it far outweighs any inconvenience. lately, aiyana's been waking up at different times during the night, just to put her little arms around my neck and pull herself up to me to give me a kiss. a kiss, and sometimes a little hug, and then she quietly slips back into sleep. i can't describe the feeling of her small arms around me, pulling me close... it's one of those those things i can never forget.
one night, we were talking, and she said to ed, aiyana and i: "i love you so much. my love feels like so many baloons coming out of my body, flying in all directions, up into the sky". she opened her arms wide in a circle around her, to show us what she meant.
i love this image she created. to me, love is just like that. many baloons flying up into the sky. when you love someone, you may or may not be together, your lives may move in different directions, but the love is there, floating around in the sky, with a life of its own.
another time, the four of us were getting ready for bed at night, when sena said: "i love you guys so much. i feel like the four of us are attached around our hearts with a rope, and even when we go away from each other, we are still close together."
finally, last week, she said to me: "mom, even though mamaia didn't speak my language (she only spoke romanian), i understood what she was saying." i asked her how she understood, and she said "my body just knew".
to me, these statemetns are so simple and profound. they reveal such openness and beauty, and i feel humbled by them. i feel blessed to be in the presence of such pure energy as children have.
aiayna's also been very affectionate. i sometimes complain about the inconveniences that arise from sleeping with my children, but i have to say that overall, the sweetness of it far outweighs any inconvenience. lately, aiyana's been waking up at different times during the night, just to put her little arms around my neck and pull herself up to me to give me a kiss. a kiss, and sometimes a little hug, and then she quietly slips back into sleep. i can't describe the feeling of her small arms around me, pulling me close... it's one of those those things i can never forget.
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