mamaia

mamaia, my grandmother, died yesterday.

here are the tangibles:

her name was Maria Mocanu; she was 94 years-old; she's been in a nursing home for the past 2 months, after having had a stroke in february, which affected the left side of her body; she died of another stroke, her third in the last 2 years. until this past february, she was fully independent and lived alone.

here is the less tangible stuff:

we all knew this was coming. in many ways, i think her death is a relief: to her, and to us because it was hard to be in a nursing home, among strangers and machines, and in pain.

i spent the first fourteen years of my life seeing mamaia every day. she took care of my sister and i while my parents were at work. she came over early each morning, and left after my mom or dad got home, in the evening. many times she slept with us, or we slept with her at her apartment. i cannot speak or think about my childhood without including her. she was ever-present, a central figure in my life, as we were in hers. thus, she is a part of me, in a very real way. consciously and unconsciously, i learned and picked up many things from her, that make me who i am: mannerisms, ways of being and thinking, emotional responses, etc. i feel that i (or at least a part of me) embody her, and therefore, she is not dead.

at the same time, however, mamaia has not been part of my life, physically, for over 20 years, since we left romania in 1986. she stayed behind, and although i went to visit her 4 times, overall, she's been physically absent from my life. in this way, i feel like she's been gone for a long time.

so what does her death mean? she's been out of my life for over twenty years, and yet, i carry her around in my body, my emotions, my memories... i don't know what it means; i just know that when it catches me unexpectedly, the knowledge of her death gives me a sudden twist deep inside my stomach.

on monday, the day before she died, i felt an urgency to send her a card. i had been thinking about her a lot, and finally i decided i had to do it. i got a beautiful card with butterflies on it, that said something about her being in my dearest memories. i normally find pre-written cards impersonal, but this one expressed the way i felt very well, so i got it, wrote a few lines wishing her well and telling her about how beautiful spring is. i knew she would enjoy hearing about flowers and birds, and about how much the kids love to play outside in the sun.

i also put my favorite picture of her and i inside. i messed up the enveloppe though, put the stamps on upside down, and thought that maybe it was a bad sign, but dismissed the thought and sent it anyway. i really wanted her to have that picture.

sena, aiayana and i walked home from the store where we bought the card, and on our way, i noticed a beautiful flowering tree covered with delicate pink blossoms; it caught my attention because it was so fresh and vibrant, and also because it was in a weird spot, seemingly growing out of a swamp. i took a closer look and discovered that someone had actually cut down its trunk, and thrown the entire tree in the swamp. the flowers were still pristine. it must've just been cut. this made me so sad! i saw the stub that was left of the trunk, protruding out of the ground, and saw pink ribbons from surveyors; somebody was probably just doing their job, landscaping or whatever, but part of me still cried, how can you cut down a tree that just bloomed?

mamaia always told me i was beautiful, from as far back as i can remember. when i was little, and later, when i became too concerned with my clothes and the way they made me look, she used to say to me: you can wear a potato sack, and you'd still be beautiful. she also told me how full of beauty and possibility my life was. even as i turned 36, she said to me "you have your whole life ahead of you" in such a way, that i could feel how much she trusted me to create a beautiful life. and how much she trusted life itself.

i knew the day would come when she'd die, but i'm still having a hard time. i just want to understand what happened to hr, where she is now, how i can relate to her....

i wish i could've been there with her at the last moment, to hold her hand and hear her last breath. i would've told her that part of me is going with her; i would've also told her that she'll always live in me.but i wasn't there. so instead i asked my dad to put a picture of me near her, in the coffin.

i feel like i need some closure on this. some acknowledgement, some kind of transition. i won't be going to the funeral, which is tomorrow in bucharest. istead, my sister and i will have a small private ceremony in her honor later today.

mamaia wasn't an extraordinary person in any obvious or easily describable way. she was shy and timid (except for in the kitchen, where she wasn't afraid to pick up burning-hot pans with bare hands). she was one of 8 kids, born in the small village of Siret, in romania; she studied and eventually moved to bucharest, where she worked as an accountant; she married and had one son, my father. she retired from her job to take care of my sister and i; after my grandfather died, almost 30 years ago now, she lived alone, in a quiet, undisturbing manner.

what mamaia had, which i find extraordinary, was a quality of presence, which i can't capture in words, but i can definitely feel. this quality of presence prevades all my memories of her and of my childhood; and it is, i realized, one of the few things worth striving for. i would like to give that to my children, my grandchildren, and anyone else in my life. i would love to be remembered the way i remember her.

mamaia rarely gave us presents; but somehow, despite the fact that i loved presents as a child, i never really noticed this. her own presence was such that presents were insignificant by comparison.

(later...)

my sister and i just held our ceremony to honor mamaia. we did it at my house, and it felt really nice. we set up colorful blankets outside, under an apple tree that is about to blossom. we burned a candle and some sage; i got some of mamaia's favorite food at the co-op yesterday: bananas, oranges, and of course, chocolate. we put the food down in front of us on a blanket, along with pictures of mamaia, taken over the years, letters and cards that she sent us, fresh flowers (dandelions, my favorite), and a special tea-set that used to belong to mamaia before she passed it on to my sister. we brewed some tea and drank it out of her cups. my sister wore mamaia's ring on a string around her neck, and i wore a necklace with a small cross. i also had an orange scarf holding my hair back; both the necklace and scarf used to be hers before she she gave them to me.

we held a very simple ritual that we made up. to begin, i read a meditation focused on the cycles of life and death, and on honoring the pain and sadness we feel about mamaia's death. we sat in silence for some time, feeling our emotions and any thoughts that came up.

then we read parts of the letters and cards she sent us. this was very emotional, her presence almost palpable. the pictures too, made her presence feel very real...

then, roxi and i shared some of our favorite memories and stories about mamaia. there was a lot to share, as things kept coming up from the distant and recent past. mostly, sharing these memories made me feel happy. there was a lot to laugh at in some of the things we remembered about her, and about us as kids.

we also shared the food i bought. we had 3 bananas, one for me, one for roxi, and one for mamaia; 3 oranges, and 7 chocolate-covered-apricots (mamaia got 4 of those, she really loved chocolate. my sister told me a story about how mamaia ate a full toblerone bar, one of the big, foot-long ones, in one night...).

we finished our tea, talked some more, sat some more, and soon enough julia, who'd been sleeping in the car all this time woke up, so we knew that it was time to end. my kids are at their grandma's house today, and i am grateful to her for helping me have this time to remember mamaia.

to end our ceremony, i took mamaia's food, and brought it in the woods. i peeled the banana and orange and arranged them in a circle on the ground, and sprinkled the chocolates here and there. i invited mamaia and the animals of the woods to enjoy them.

walking back to the house, i could feel a gentle breeze blowing back my hair. it's a beautiful, perfect day: sunny, warm, comfortable; the birds are singing, the flowers are out. i know mamaia would've enjoyed it.

enjoying my life, i realized, is the most meaningful thing i can do to honor her.

last night, we had a beautiful sunset. before i went in the house, i paused and thought of mamaia and how she won't be able to see sunsets anymore; somehow, this didn't make me sad, but on the contrary, it made me want to soak in this, and every other sunset, even more.

if i had to sum it up, i'd say that mamaia's life and death inspire me to be a loving mother, and to enjoy my life deeply. this is her parting gift to me.

i will end with a list of memories that come to mind about mamaia:

• the smell of her cooking, stews and dill in particular
• the smell of garlic on her breath;
• the stories she used to tell my sister and i every night: real stories about her youth and our childhood, and made-up stories about little girls and witches;
• sleeping next to her at night;
• how she cried so easily and was so emotional;
• how one time, when i got a 7 (out of 10) on a math test, which i was really upset about, she didn't tell me not to worry, she didn't try to get me to forget, she just sat down and cried with me;
• how she never yelled at me or hit me (and i really mean never, as far as i can remember; not that i have my own kids, and yell at them daily, i find this even more amazing);
• how calloused her feet were and how she picked at them whenever she had a chance (i certainly embody this one, just ask my kids or ed);
• fightning with my sister over the scrapings off the pan, when she cooked eggs and potatoes for us;
• her letters and cards, full of poems she composed for us, as well as praise and good-wishes;
• the impromptu shows my sister and i put up for her when we slept over;
• the sweets she baked for us: mucenici, cornulete, coliva, cozonac, bezele...
• how easy she was - we could always get our way with her...
• how she came downstairs to get me when i got home from school, candle in hand, when the electricity was out in our apartment building (this happened daily, for hours at a time, government rules). when she didn't come i had to go up 7 flights of stairs in complete darkness.
• how tattered her stuff was, her clothes, furniture, everything she owned really, used and reused to the max.
• how much she loved her plants, and how, when one would flower, she'd look at it as if was the first time she'd ever seen a flower;
• how different her standards of cleanliness were from everyone else's; she'd swish a dirty plate back and forth in a bucket of (not too clear) water, and call it clean.
• how she washed our school uniforms and other laundry by hand for years every day. and then ironed them.
• how she took any left-overs on our plates, and put them away to enjoy later, by herself.
• how she loved food so much, yet always felt too embarassed to say yes when someone offered her something.
• how she'd go to sleep sucking on hard candy (i'm glad i didn't pick up that one...)
• how she always regifted.
• how i cannot speak or think of my life without her in it.

peace

spring on!

phew, what a week!!!

we've all been sick with a stomach virus. the kids got it on wednesday, and they were flat out until today. i never saw sena so out of it, she'd just lay down for an entire day, totally drained. fortunately, (really fortunately for me), the weather has been gorgeous, so i was able to take out blankets and pillows, and have the kids lay outside in the shade of the apple tree. we didn't have to be stuck in the house for 3 days, or i would've gone crazy. being outside was really nice and peaceful, and sena even commented on how much she liked lying there and listening to the birds "speak to her".

things got harder yesterday, because ed also got sick. he's been feeling really bad, and can't do anything other than lie down, and even that feels uncomfortable. i think i got it too, but pretty mild by comparison. i'm somehow still able to hold things together, and take minimal care of the kids. tonight may be tricky, since sena and aiyana are both pretty much back to normal, energy-wise, while ed and i are both dragging. i got some movies for them to watch, so ed and i can get a break.

other than this virus, which most of our friends also had and have, things are amazing. spring is out in all beauty. flowers, birds, bees, all over the place; around our house, the daffodils, hyacinths, tulips, crocuses, and forcynthia have bloomed, and the apple trees are going to any day now. there are so many different birds chirping morning till night, and ed's bees are busy collecting pollen, building their hive, and feeding their babies.

i'll end with a line from sena this week. we've been reading tomie dipaola, and came accross the word 'diploma' in one of his strega nona books. sena didn't say anything at the time, but days later, we were sitting outside when she turned to me, seemingly out of the blue, and said "mom, i don't need a diploma to be a real sena". i was surprised and loved what she said. i smiled and said back to her "no you don't". she then followed, "i already have everything i need". more smiling on my part, more thinking of how deep this is. her final statement was "i have my egg", and then after some hesitation, "but i don't have my period yet". (she was referring to the eggs inside her body - she's totally fascinated by the egg and sperm thing, especially after she saw them in the encyclopedia).

i love it how she'll say things and i'll get all excited about it, thinking how deep it is, etc, etc, but then she'll follow up with a comment like the above, that makes me laugh and brings me right back to earth.

kick-ass recipe

everyone who tried this recipe LOVED it. i mean, everyone.
also, it takes about 5 min to make, no cooking involved. you can use it as: dip for raw vegetables, salad dressing, pasta sauce; it's great over soba noodles, or whatever you can think of. here it is:

4 Tbs toasted sesame seeds
2 Tbs olive oil
2 Tbsp tamari sauce (i think you can use soy sauce and it'd be ok)
2 tsp vinegar (i use apple cider vineggar, but try whatever you have)
1 tsp honey
1/4 tsp salt
dash of cayenne (or to taste)
dash of black pepper (or to taste)
1 Tbs water

toast the sesame seeds until light brown, then grind them into a powder (i use a coffee grinder for this). mix in the remaining ingredients in whatever order you want. that's it.

(i got the original recipe in one of madhur jaffrey's books, but it called for a bunch of ingredients i didn't have and could not easily buy at the co-op, so i modified it and came up with the above).

enjoy!

gnostic gospels

in the past week or so, aiyana suddenly developed a fear of the dark. even though she sleeps right next to ed and i, and to sena, she's been crying every night before bed, and been clealy scared of something. i can't explain why it came on so suddenly, she's been fine all this time, and then one night she just got so upset...

the only thing i can think of that makes sense to me is that she finally got a sense of self as separate from everything else, and hence the fear...

we've tried to be as suppostive as we can, but she still cries...
when we ask her what she's afraid of, she says bears and wolves. we don't have TV, so i know she didn't see any there, but i have told her some bear stories in the past. the bears have always been harmless though...

yesterday, when we got up from our nap, she was very talkative, and mentioned her fear of bears and wolves again. i asked her what she thought they would do to her, and she said that they would rip her books in half....cracked me up. but then again, i wouldn't want anyone messing with my books either...

speaking of books, i just finished 'the gnostic gospels' by e. pagels, and found it enlightening. i liked learning about the history and roots of christianity, but my favorite were some quotes attributed to Jesus and others. a very different view of christianity, that's for sure, and one that at this point, i feel more drawn to than what i've heard in the past.

I want to share the following from The Gospel of Thomas. they are attributed to jesus, on the topic of self-discovery:

'if you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. if you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you".

and about the turmoil of self discovery:
"let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds. when he finds he will become troubled. when he becomes troubled he will be astonished, and he will rule over all things".

"rather the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. when you come to know yourselves, then you will be known and you will realize that you are the sons of the living father. but if you will not know yourselves, then you dwell in poverty, and it is you who are that poverty".

i'm still a bit turned off by some of the terminology, but i'm trying to get over it and focus on the heart of the message instead. i'm looking fwd to reading 'the gospel of thomas' next (also by pagels).

peace

last saturday morning

here are some pictures from saturday morning. i was having some time alone, and i drove by a swamp on my way to the library. i thought it looked interesting and stopped the car. there was nobody else there, so i got out and walked around a little. i eventually made my way to the very edge of the swamp, and found a little mossy clearing. i stayed there, squatting, just looking over the water and listening to the incredible sound of birds, frogs, and many other creatures i could not identify, all mixed together. it was so peaceful and soothing. i love being by myself in silence, but when i hear the sounds of Nature, i love it even better. it just makes me feel so... outside myself, and it reminds me that i'm part of something so much bigger, and that feeling is very freeing.




peace

offended by breastfeeding?

a few days ago i found out that some people in my circle of aquaintances are offended when i nurse aiyana in front of them. i was told about this indirectly, through a woman i'm close with, and i found out that it's been going on for quite sometime.

of course i'm aware that nursing raises uncomfortable issues with some people, but i haven't had to deal with it on a personal level until now. in our community, i.e. among the people i find myself with on a regular basis, nursing is in the open, easy and natural. it's a non-issue. my friends nurse, like me, on demand, at home, in public, wherever we happen to be. we nurse as long as the child wants to nurse, so it's not uncommon to see 3 year-olds who still nurse on and off throughout the day. this may be shocking in some cultures, but not all.

despite lack of public acknowledgement, even conventional institutions such as the AAP (American Academy of Pediatricians), or the WHO (World Health Organization) now recommend nursing for a couple of years. nursing is acknowledged by conventional and alternative medical authorities as critical to children's health and emotional well-being (both short and long-term).

so the whole thing with the couple that got offended came out after their baby's christening. we went to church (and i nursed there), and then we all went out to a restaurant. i don't think anyone saw me nurse in church, but at the restaurant, aiyana was intimidated by the new environment and everything going on, plus she was tired, so about half-way through the meal, she wanted to nurse. by the time we left the restaurant she had nursed two or three times, and i tried to be as discreet as possible covering myself with my sweater, but i did not leave the table or anything like that. i just behaved normal, continuing to talk to people, just being my natural self as i am whenever i nurse. but, i guess this was a big deal.

the baby that got christened was about 3-months-old, and of course, he had to nurse too a few times while we were there, but the mother took him to the bathroom, and nursed in there. there was only one bathroom in the restaurant, for men and women together, a small room with one toilet, a sink, and no space to sit (unless you brought in a chair which is what she did). to quote my sister, this is how i feel about nursing in the bathroom: "would you want to eat your meal in there"? probably not. so that's not an option for me.

i discussed this issue with the woman who made me aware of it. i guess i was a little hurt that this couple has been privately harboring negative feelings towards me for quite some time (i've been nursing for over 4 years now); but mostly, my reaction was just wanting to understand where they come from and how can we find something that works for everyone.

this woman, who i talked to also disagrees with nursing in public. but i really respect and like her, because we can have a positive conversation about topics we feel very differently about. she told me that nursing in public makes people uncomfortable because people here don't like to expose their bodies. well, i kind of had to jump on that one. why then are women exposing themselves everywhere you look? TV, magazines, the internet, advertisements; women (and men sometimes) wear revealing clothing, and exposing their bodies, stopping short only of being completely naked. this is considered acceptable, even desirable. do the people who are offended by nursing ask themselves whether it's ok for women's bodies to be used and exposed in order to sell something?

even the mother in this couple, who felt compelled to nurse in the bathroom, is otherwise not shy at all about wearing very revealing clothing, such as skin-tight, low-cut shirts, or bikinis that leave very little (only the nipple really) to the imagination. come to think of it, all throughout my 20's i used to wear the same type of clothing, the more revealing the better, and i never offended anyone with it...certainly not in the same way as nursing.

i think that men and women are uncomfortable with nursing because breasts, and women's bodies in general, are seen as sexual objects first and foremost. to me, whatever your feelings about breasts are (different cultures have different views and hangups around them), one thing that seems obvious and universal is that they are there for nursing children. yet women will get upset seeing other women nurse because (and i have heard this myself) "my husband doesn't need to see that", and men get upset too because, i don't know, i guess they feel nervous, they just don't know how to deal with it in a non-sexual context.

but anyway, when it comes down to it, i have no problem respecting this couple's wishes and not nursing in front of them again. my big concern with all this, however, is that i truly feel that i have a moral obligation to myself and others, especially mothers, to breastfeed openly. i feel that if i start hiding myself and giving in to the pressure, i am implicitly perpetuating the views and taboos i disagree with; if i hide, i feel that i am giving the message that there's something wrong with breastfeeding, and more importantly, i am making it harder for other mothers to breastfeed. i feel that the only way people will come to see nursing as a natural part of life is by seeing women nurse. (incidentally, if i had taken out a bottle and given it to aiyana at the restaurant, do you think anyone would have been offended? i doubt it. it would've been seen as normal for a young child. this, to me is a perversion of the natural way, where the breast is what is natural, and the bottle an artificial replacement.)

so i've decided that with this one particular couple and their family, i will be discreet, and leave the room to nurse. i also, unfortunately, feel less drawn to attend gatherings with them...but in general, i have no good reason to stop nursing in public; i feel that it's important to support breastfeeding and to help change people's taboos about it, and for me, the best way to do so is to nurse openly and freely.

peace

this morning

this morning, when i stepped outside, the wind smelled like flowers. just a suddle, sweet smell, that made me forget for the moment, that it was rainy and gray and very very windy. that is until the wind ripped the door out of my hand and slammed itagainst the side of the house...

well, anyway, it's definitely getting warm outside, and tomorrow they're anouncing 50'sF and sunny, so it's very exciting.

this morning, sena was taking pics with our camera, and she got one of me, in which my head was not chopped in half, so here it is:

getting the bees into the hive

ed's honey bees arrived last sunday. he had built a hive for them already, and installed it in the field in front of our house. the tricky part now was to get the bees from the box they came in into the hive. here are some pics from the operation:

here are the bees in the box they came in, all clustered together around the queen

now here's ed trying to open the box so that he can get the bees into the hive:

here, ed took out the queen, which came in a little box inside the big box. the queen had to go into the hive first. then the other bees would cluster about her again (hopefuly).
here are the kids watching the whole thing:
and finally, ed putting the cover on the hive, once all the bees were in

saturday morning, unplanned

i just came from the lake, where i went on a whim earlier this morning.
lately, my time off on saturday mornings has become stressfull, because i have so many things i want to do, that i end up wanting to cram everything in too short a period of time. i want to go have coffee and read, i want to go to the gym, go to the woods, i want to write, you get the idea. then, what happens is that regardless of what i'm doing, i end up thinking of what else i could be doing, putting pressure on myself to hurry, not really enjoying anything. eventually i just get mad at myself for being so greedy, for ruining everything.

this is how it has been the last few times i was by myself, and i decided that it is ridiculous and i have to stop it. so today, i purposely did not make any plans. i still thought of my time alone with anticipation, but i tried not to decide anything i would do in advance; instead, i tried to see how i felt an the moment, and go with that. this was hard, you know how the mind can get so out of control....

i went and got a coffeee and did a bit of reading, which felt alright for a while. then i felt like i wanted to be outside, and the exact place i wanted to be at came to me clearly. i drove to the lake, parked the car, hiked down by the water, found a little rocky beach that was in full sun, and sat down for a while. this mostly felt delicious, and by the time i left, all i could think of was 'thank you'.

so that's how my morning went so far. i'll leave with some quotes i liked from 'the invitation' by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:

"this is the sacred marriage: the coming together of two who have each met themselves on the road. when two who have this intimacy with themselves are fully with each other- whether for a lifetime or for a moment- the world is held tenderly and fed by the image they create simply by being together......
if, having met myself in the empty moments, i am willing and able to bring all of who i am to another, receiving all of who they are, then we are truly together..... this is the fullness of the homecoming for which we all long."

peace

kite flying

here's sena, flying her kite on a wild, windy day, and loving it....

aiyana and i were watching sena in the field in front of our house


peace

egg hunting last sunday

here are some pictures from sena and aiyana's egg-hunt last sunday. they had a lot of fun, and so did ed and i.

ed got the eggs ready in the morning, before the girls and i woke up. he hid some in the house and some outside. sena and aiyana got really excited every time they found an egg; then opening them up to find what lay inside was even better. they loved the beads we got for them in northampton, which ed had put inside the eggs, as well as some nuts, raisins, stickers and hairpins from grandma, and some dental floss, which was a bit odd, but generated lots of excitement anyway...

dig me up

i'm standing in front of our house, peeling a carrot. i'm overlooking a field of dry grass, and bare trees in the distance. despite the fact that everything looks dead, i know that life is pulsing through it all; soon, buds will appear, blossoms will open, and spring will show herself unmistakably.

my kids are outside too, playing, running all around me, laughing, climbing, chasing each other. i wipe their runny noses when they need it, mitigate things when they get into squirmishes, and i try to answer their unending questions and demands as calmly as possible.

like other women in my situation, other stay-at-home-moms, i too ask myself: is this why i went to school all those years? is this why i tried so hard to succeed in my job?
standing at the edge of the field, carrot in hand, the answer comes easily: no, but this is so much better...

i guess i'm lucky that i feel this way. i know, and can see how, someone else wouldn't. it is easy to feel discouraged, having to give up your career, all the hard work you put into it, dealing with the insecurity of returning to work after a few years' absence, clearly at a disadvantage to others... so many have said it, but now i can really appreciate it: it's really hard to be a woman and find yourself torn between the needs of your family and the demands of your career.

i don't know why i've never missed my job. i really liked my colleagues, and i enjoyed what i did most of the time. i guess, though, that by comparison, that life was so much more boring and unfulfilling than the one i'm living now. i find so much richness in my life these days - i know that it's up to me how much of it i let in, how much i open myself to the joy and beauty of each day. definitely, my attitude has changed a lot since having children. i had to let go of a lot of attachments, had to build a lot of tolerance and understanding for other's needs. but somehow, the difficulties of being a mother opened me and allowed me to experience everyday life in a way i wasn't able to before.

on a different note:

sena asked me today: mama, when you're dead, will you still love me? will you remember me after you die?
i didn't know what to say. i can't imagine not loving her...
then, she concluded by saying: mom, after you're dead, i'm going to dig you up so that i can see you. i laughed, but i could also feel how much she loves me.

peace

northampton

ed and i had a great time in northampton (MA) yesterday. i heard a lot about it, and it's only 1hr north of here, so we went, while the kids were with grandma and grampa. we just walked around, ate at a Tibetan restaurant that played great tuva music in the background, went to a bead store, got a chocolate croissant at a little bakery, and sat on the grass in the sun, talking and relaxing just before we came back home. it was very simple and sweet, and i feel that we should do stuff like that more often.

i really liked the bead store, we got some beads for the kids to hide in their easter eggs, and i can't wait to see their excitement. i've never done easter eggs before, so this will be my first time as well as theirs.
i got some really cool jasper stones at the strore, which i made into earings, and i now have as a reminder of the day...

peace

spring equinox

it's spring equinox today! a great reason to celebrate. and it's even better for me because i woke up feeling great, and i only yelled at sena once so far, and i apologized right away and things have been smooth since.

spring is here! little seeds buried deep in the earth have been waiting for this all winter, waiting to sprout and send their shoots up towards sunshine. i saw crocuses and snow drops in bloom in front of the co-op the other day, and i felt such hope and joy....
i hope that you too enjoy this beautiful time of year.

i'll end with these passages i liked from 'Conversations with God':

"your simple truth, simply lived, will offer more beauty, more comfort, more peace, more joy, and more love of self and others than anything you(r earthly fellows) could contrive."

"..one does not do something in order to be happy - one is happy and hence, does something."

i feel that these two passages express not just pretty-sounding ideas, but the truth, at least in my experience.

peace

bikeride

it feels so good to be on my bike again!

this morning, roxi took sena and aiyana, and since the sun was out, i decided that i would ride my bike. the temperature is just perfect - don't need a big coat or anything like that.

i biked to the community center, where i usually go on fridays to work out, but today i decided that working out indoors is kind of sacriligeous, so i just went there to shower instead (the water pressure's not too good at our house, and with my long hair it takes forever to rinse out all the soap). i guess gym membership does have its priviledges...
the only tricky part was that in my effort to carry with me as little as possible (only 2 books in my bag...), i forgot to bring a towel, so drying myself was tricky, and getting my clothes on was in itself a workout.

then i got back on my bike, and came to UConn for a little snack, and quick email check; soon i'll be off to find a quiet spot where i can read my book.

i was talking to ed last night, and i realized that what i really want to work on, in my relationship with the kids, with him and everyone else, is learning how to be firm but loving. i have a very hard time with that. i don't like to be firm, or confrontational, or anything along those lines. to me, being loving has meant giving even when it has been at my own expense, which i think is ok, but within limits. my daily interraction with the kids have made me realize that being firm and setting clear boundaries, as to what is and is not acceptable, is essential. i also realized that it's important for them to see that i respect myself and take care of myself by putting up these boundaries, because otherwise they'll keep pushing until they find the limit. they love to test...as all parents know.

so my challenge right now is how to say to people close to me: 'these are my needs' in a loving and respectful way, while still helping them to take care of their own needs. i haven't been doing this too well so far, and what happens is that when things get to be too much, and i fall apart, the whole family falls apart. so in a way, taking care of myself, is not just for my benefit, but for the harmony of our family as a whole. the tricky part is also not to go too far the other way. not to become too selfish or self-centered.

i have to say that i'm very grateful to my kids and ed for 'forcing' me to deal with this issue. it's been something i've been needing to do for a long time, but i never felt supported or safe enough to do it in other relationships.

these are my thoughts right now, and i'll stop here bc it's too nice outside to be in front of a computer.

peace

peace

crazy

i've experienced so much anger this week. i don't know what's going on, but things just about overwhelmed me yesterday. the kids have been pushing me to my limits, on and off throughout the day, every day since monday. i also haven't been sleeping great, which is magnifying things considerably.

when aiyana is whining a lot, or sena is defiant, i get so mad sometimes, i just don't know what to do. i can feel myself getting to the boiling point, and i try to calm down, but if the kids keep pushing, i just can't get myself out of it, and i yell at them (a lot), which i really don't like. so i've been mad at them, mad at myself for not handling things better, mad at everyone for whatever reason i can think of.

but, we had a wonderful women's circle on monday, where i laughed and felt totally relaxed. and the kids have had some really sweet moments interspersed with the things they did that drove me crazy. like at one point, i was mad at sena, for being so picky with her food, and disrespectful towards me (she asked for pasta, after being indecisive and whiny for a long timer, and when the pasta came she said she din't want it...); i was also starting to lose it with aiyana, who was being demanding, and asking everything in a really annoying whiny voice. so i was in the kitchen by myself, after having yelled at both of them, trying to calm down; they were quiet for a few minutes in the living room. then they came in to see me, and sena showed me her empty bowl - she had eaten all the pasta. then aiyana said to me in a really sweet, reconciliatory voice "happy birthday, mama, happy birthday". it was obvious that it was the nicest thing she could think of to make me feel better. i started laughing, and things lightened up....

things are lighter today than they have been the rest of the week, and i'm trying to enjoy every small moment of peace that comes my way...

gorgeous day

wow, what a gorgeous day today! it's sunny, and 52F.i'm sitting outside in the sun, with no coat, only a sweater. the kids are playing on the grass, having a great time. they're laughing so much, and their cheeks are red from running and playing.
i just cleaned the car, which was really getting nasty, with all kind of stuff on the floor - bunny crackers, raisins, toys, socks, old leaves, you get the idea. when i finished cleaning, the kids and i noticed some tiny green shoots barely poking their head out of the ground! this is so exciting! i think the little shoots are tulips, but i could be wrong. whatever they are, it only means one thing, spring is almost here!

waking up in the morning over the past couple of weeks, sena and i noticed more and more birds chirping outside our window. it seems like every day, there's a different chirp, a different type of song joining in.

we had some plans for going to the library or the community center today, but as soon as we stepped out the door, we knew that we weren't going anywhere. this beautiful warm sun is much too good to be missed. i feel that this flexibility of changing plans on a whim, of doing what we want when we want, is one of the greatest things about staying home with my children. in general, i try not to make and hard plans, knowing that things always go best when i go with the mood of the kids, and when i make decisions based on what's happening that day, that moment.

i hope that you too, feel joy and renewal with the coming of spring.

staying with it

a couple of days ago, sena was whiney, and in a bad mood. i was getting frustrated with her being demanding and uncooperative, and i asked her what's wrong; she said 'i'm just having a hard day'. i tried to be supportive, but i told her that she has to stop being so demanding, bc i had julia and aiyana to look after as well.

things went ok, not great, but manageable, for the morning, and then just before lunchtime, we got in the car to bring julia to roxi's house. sena was crying, but then she stopped, and as i pulled out of the driveway, she said again: 'i'm just having a difficult day, eveyone has a difficult day sometimes". i told her that that's true, everyone does, and then i asked her what we can do to make it better. and she said 'you can't do anything'. which, after a moment struck me as very wise, and then to clarify, i asked her ' you just have to stay with it?' and she said 'yes'.

i've been thinking about it on and off, and i am so grateful that we had this exchange. 'staying with it' is something i feel i need to keep practicing. this is especially relevant for me right now, because lately, i find myself trying to escape myself, my feelings, and my situation, whenever something bothers me. so if i get sad about something, i try to distract myself all kinds of ways (reading, thinking of something else, etc.) instead of just feeling the sadness. of course, the sadness does not leave, it just comes on stronger later.

i've been trying to ackowledge whatever i'm feeling or going through, instead of dismissing it or trying to escape, and i noticed that when i make an effort to 'stay with it', the intensity comes down considerably, or even disappears altogether.

so sena went throuugh whatever she was experiencing that day, and she knew that i was there if she needed me, but she didn't force herself to be anything other than she was, and i didn't push her either. soon enough, she was playing again, having a good time. i wish these skills would come as easily to me as they do to her, but at least i'm grateful to have her remind me sometimes....

on a separate occasion, a few nights ago, sena and i went out for a "date". we went to the laundromat, and to the restaurant. sena wanted a special cookie from the falafael restaurant, so i took her there. then she wanted to get samosas for aiyana, so we also went accross the street, to the indian restaurant. driving back to the laundromat, i asked her if she was happy, and she said "i'm happy". i said "is there anything i can do to make you happier?", and she said "i can't be any happier than this", which was so sweet and so sincere, it almost made me cry.

peace

this works for us

this winter, i found a cold remedy that really seems to work for me and the kids. we all got a bad cold at thanksgiving, and since then, despite the fact that people around us got colds at various times, we either did not catch them at all, or if we did, they've been very mild and barely disrupted our daily lives.

so here's what i've been doing different since thanksgiving:
at the first signs of a cold (which for me is usually a scratchy feeling in the throuat, and for the kids is a runny nose), i take:

1 dose of echinacea (i use tincture, the highest quality i can find, from a source i can trust. it's pretty expensive, about $30 for a 4oz bottle, but i think it's definitely worth it);
one vitamin C tablet(500mg), and
one Zinc tablet (23mg)

i do this 3 times a day at the first signs of a cold, then taper it down to once a day over the next 3 days or so.

i've done echinacea and vitamin C before, but that wasn't enough for me; (before having kids, i barely ever got sick, but now i find i'm exposed to a lot more viruses and things going around at playgroups, etc. so in the past 2-3 years, i've been getting colds that lasted days or even weeks sometimes. my throat would hurt a lot the first few days, and then i'd get blocked sinuses that kept me up at night for days). i found that when i added the zinc, things changed a lot. i've had 3 very mild colds since, which lasted at most 3-4 days, and consisted of a mild runny nose that didn't bother me at night. same thing with the kids, if they got anything at all it's been really mild.

zinc is known for boosting the immune system, and while i believe it's not recommended for long-term daily use, it is for short-term use.

of course, when i give the above formula to the kids, i give doses appropriate for their age and size. i have special kids' echinacea, and i give them quarter doses of zinc. they don't like vitamin C, so i give them elderberry concentrate, which is very high in vitamin C and other antioxidants, and is supposed to help with colds. (they also love it).

so i just want to say that this works for us, but may not work for everyone. also, we don't take any pharmaceutical drugs, so i can't tell how these supplements compare to conventional cold medications, or what effects they would have if taken together. if you're interested, you may want to consult a naturopath, or do your own research...
i just wanted to share it in the hope that it may be useful to you, as it has been to us.

peace

quotes

from "Conversations with God":

i really connect with these, so i wanted to share them:

"from certain states of being will spring a life so rich, so full, so magnificent, and so rewarding that worldly goods and worldly success will be on no concern to you."

"...it will be well to recognize hurt, damage, and loss as part of your experience and decide who you are in relationship to it.
....
what will get you from here to there most quickly is total honesty - being willing to assert, acknowledge and declare exactly how you feel about a thing. say your truth - kindly, but fully and completely. live your truth gently, but totaly and consistently. change your truth easily and quickly when your experience brings you new clarity."

a full report

yesterday, ed and i were having an argument over the phone (he was at work, i at home). the kids were in the same room as i was but doing their own thing. i could barely hear ed, and i was getting frustrated. i didn't want to hang up without having resolved the issue at hand, but it was hard to talk. we were waiting for grandma to come and pick up the kids for the day.

finally, ed and i got off the phone having resolved our issue somewhat, but i was still frustrated with the whole thing, and a bit low on energy from trying to talk and manage the kids at the same time. grandma arrived shortly, and when she walked in, my face was still drawn and she noticed something was wrong. i told her a little about what had happened, but only mentioned that ed and i got into an argument, without giving any further details. that's when sena jumped in, and recited to grandma everything i had said to ed. it made a pretty good case for me, because she only heard my side of the argument, so it really made it look like i was right. as she did this, i could not stop laughing. it was perfect, exactly what i needed to break the tension i felt. grandma laughed too...

so i guess i have to watch out what i'm saying. or maybe not. i guess when i think about it, i think that it's good for the kids to witness the interaction of their parents even when it's difficult. i think that ed and i deal with conflict pretty constructively, most of the time. we don't insult each other or anything too crazy. no fist-fights either (not yet). no object-throwing. we generally keep it pretty calm, and i think that the kids can actually learn something by witnessing our conflicts and how we handle them. but it's still a bit embarrassing when they go and recite the entire thing to somebody else, so i guess i'll have to deal with that somehow...

peace

update on mamaia

just a quick update on my grandmother, mamaia:

she's doing much better; she's out of the hospital, and feeling pretty good. she still can't move or feel her left arm (her stroke affected the left side of her body), and has limitted use of her left leg. but she can stand up when supported, and is working to regain movement.

my dad moved her in a (very expensive) nursing home, where they can take care of her while she's still impaired. she's having physical therapy done while in there, which hopefuly will help her.

i think that the plan is for her to go home as soon as she's able to live with only minimal help (she has a woman who comes to be with her every day).

so things are as good as you can expect, i think, for someone her age, and once again i am amazed and grateful that she's made it through her illness as well as she has.

vacuuming and doing our hair

on saturday, ed had his friend come over while i was taking my time off. his friend has 2 kids as well, and they play really well with our kids. before leaving, his friend, who's really laid back and i like a lot, joked about the cobwebs hanging from the ceilings all over our house. hmm...i guess, i stopped noticing. so i decided to clean them up right then and there. so great was my enthusiasm for this (and so unusual), that everyone got into the cleaning mood. ed vacuumed the front porch, and the kids insisted on vacuuming their room...
(like aiyana's hanging underware? i guess the elastic has seen better days...)


this morning, the girls were really into their hair (quite unusual), so we did braids and ponytails, and then they posed:



peace

a quote i like

from WeMoon 2008:

"true friends are ones who know the tune of your heart and hum it back to you , when you have forgotten the words" (excerpt, by Galloway Quena).

i feel that in my life, i am blessed with true friends that encompass the above and so much more...

it feels so good to feel supported by people who know me, who love me, and who can reflect back to me the aspects of myself i need to remember at critical times. i also consider myself incredibly lucky to have several inspiring people in my life, and i don't mean inspiring because they're doing something extraordinary by normal standards; quite the opposite: they inspire me in the way they lead their ordinary lives, every day, through every mood and nuance of the inner and outer landscape.

i also want to add, that recently, i've experienced quite a bit of sadness in regards to friendships. sadness because i feel that people who i hold close to my heart have slipped away. somebody recently said at one of our women's circles, that we are always connected to the important people in our lives, by the strings in our hearts. i'd like to believe that, and sometimes i do, but sometimes it's hard, when you've lost contact, and you have no idea what the other person's feeling.

but i believe that there is a richness in experiencing these emotions, these different aspects of human relationships. so i'll take the sadness and the closeness, and i must say that i feel a certain gratitude for both.

Bunica's birthday

today is my (other) grandmother - Bunica-'s, birthday. she's turning 95.
she's healthy, but i know that she's not too happy because she's still in a nursing home. she really wants to be at home, but she's made it very difficult for my mom and aunt to bring her home when they tried. bunica is very very strong willed, and wants things on her own terms, which we all do, but unfortunately at this point in her life, she is very dependent on others because of her physical limitations. since last year, when she had surgery, she can no longer live without help. if she lived back at her appartment, she'd need someone to check on her every day, make sure she has not fallen or hurt herself, or that she hasn't forgotten the stove, water or anything else on (her short-term memory is really bad). my mom and aunt tried to bring her home a few months ago, and even found someone willing to come daily to her appartment to check on her. unfortunately, bunica refused to accept this person's help, or anyone's help, so in the end my aunt and mom had no choice but to bring her back to the nursing home. it's pretty clear to everyone right now that bunica cannot live on her own, bc she poses too much danger to herself and others. so i feel sad for her, sad that she's being so obstinate, but mostly sad that she's living her life in a place she does not like. lately, it's been very difficult to even talk to her on the phone - when my mom calls, bunica shouts at her the entire time, demanding that she fly to romania and take her out of the nursing home. so at this point, i guess i'm hoping for a mini-miracle, maybe bunica will decide to be more agreeable and accept some help, and my mom and aunt will be able to bring her home. realistically though, it seems pretty unlikely....

but, i wish her a Happy Brithday anyway, and a little more peace of mind....

some cute and funny pictures

the sisters, hugging...



the food co-op celebrated its 28th bday last saturday. big party inside, with 28 delicious cakes....

our sleeping situation (notice the foot in my back, it doesn't even bother me anymore...)


my friend anita was over yesterday, with her daughter clara. julia was over at the same time, so it was a house full of girls. lots of fun (and some drama too).


miss Attitude has added a new item to her favorite outfit: the goggles. it cracks me up...



art projects, one of our favorite passtimes...

excited about my morning

wow, i am SO infatuated with eddie vedder's voice, it's almost embarasing...

i just can't take him, especially on the soundtrack to "into the wild" which is what i've been listening to lately. and the lyrics, wow, he's just amazing.

i was hoping that if god ever spoke to me, could he please sound like that? it would make me really happy.

i'm heading to the gym now. what? the gym? yeah, i started going last week, and this is my second time. i'm feeling really good with my body these days, and healthwise in general, and i feel motivated to keep doing good things for myself; so when my sister takes the kids for the morning, it's a perfect opportunity. don't get the wrong impression, i don't do much. i'm content with 30min of cardio on a machine, a couple of laps around the track (walking), and some stretching at the end. then i take a nice shower (the real reason i go there), and then i head to the coffee shop. nice morning. so on that note, i'd better get going, so happy snowy day to everyone and see you soon...

peace

my grandmother

my grandmother, mamaia, is very ill. she had a light stroke a week and a half ago, and has been in the hospital ever since. my dad flew to romania to be with her right away.

as of right now, mamaia is not doing too well because of kidney complications. but she is fully conscious and aware of what's going on. my dad is trying to support her as best as he can. i think that being with her is actually the most he can do at this time.

the hospital conditions she's in sound terrible, and she's very uncomfortable with a tube going up her nose, and another in her arm. she tries to take them out apparently, so they tied her arm to the bed. she's sharing a small room with 7 other people, my dad said, and one night when she fell out of bed, she spent the entire night on the floor and nobody came to help her.

mamaia has been independent all her life, up until this point, living on her own with dignity and peace. now she's in the hospital, at the mercy of doctors and nurses, who are mostly too overburdened, underpaid, and jaded to care about this old woman.

i came accross a passage in my reading the other day, which sums up exactly how i see things in mamaia's situation:

"the entire medical profession is trained to keep people alive, rather than keeping people comfortable so that they can die with dignity....
to a doctor or a nurse, death is failure. to a friend or a relative, death is disaster. only to the soul is death a relief - a release." (from Conversations with God, by D. Walsch).

what i wish for mamaia, is peace and respect for her wishes (it seems that she has asked for the tube in her nose to be removed repeatedly, understanding that she might die without it, but has so far been ignored by the doctor). i think that she alone can determine whether it's worth staying alive at this point, knowing that she's had a full, active life, and knowing what the costs of staying alive are. personally, and selfishly, i want her to live. i want to know that she's there no matter what. i want her in this world. but, when i put myself in her shoes, it is very clear to me, that i would NOT want to be kept alive, unless i can live with a certain amount of comfort, independence, dignity, or whatever else i consider important in life.

so i just wish her (and my dad who has to witness all this) peace

peace

one more favorite picture

i love this picture. this is aiyana in her butterfly princess dress, which she's been wearing every day for the past 2 weeks. she wears it in and out of the house, and draws a lot of comments from people. mostly they say that they wish they could dress up and express themselves as freely as she does.

in this picture she's watching the end of the famous yoga video i described earlier...

peace

yoga

i got a yoga video for sena and aiyana for christmas, and they love it. it's their only DVD and they watch it every day. they each have favorite poses, and love to show them to their friends and whoever is interested...

so here's dog pose (julia eventually got into it as well):


and tree pose, one of our favorites:


and finally, bowing and singing "namaste" at the end:

one early winter morning

ed took these pictures around our house one beautiful morning last week.

more on sena

the other day, while in the car, sena asked me: mama, do dogs have gas?
i said, yes, they do, just like people.
then she was thoughtful, and after a moment she said: does it come out of their butt or their tail?
it was sweet and funny, and it made perfect sense to me how she came to her question....

on a different topic:
yesterday, sena got her graduating certificate from her first swimming class (water adjustment). she is very excited about it, and keeps looking at it.
she loved the class, but her approach to it was different than the other kids, and quite interesting. it was also misleading, mainly for the teacher.

at first, she wanted nothing to do w the teacher, or the class in general. she stood outside the pool the whole time, while the other kids were in the water following the teacher's instructions (there were 6 kids in the class). the teacher called out to her repeatedly, but each time, sena turned away, or at best acknowledged her by saying no. so she seemed uninterested and uncooperative.

ed and i knew that sena does not follow instructions from a person, unless she's very comfortable and trusts that person. we also knew that although she seemed to be learning nothing, she was taking it all in.

after 3 classes of standing outside the pool, seemingly disinterested, one evening after class, she submerged herself under the water and started to swim. she needed ed or i to be there to help her come out when she ran out of air, but other than that, she was doing it on her own. ed and i encouraged her a lot, and her teacher, who happened to pass by the pool was amazed. after that, she basically took off, and became almost fearless in the water. she also became very different in class, always sitting herself right in front of the teacher, and wanting to be first to do whatever the teacher wanted them to practice.

to me, this is not surprising bc i know that it's sena's way of learning. she needs time to observe and become comfortable in the situation at hand, but when she's ready, watch out. i think that it's important to honor each person's individual style of learning; unfortunately, a lot of people expect kids to confirm to a model of learning they consider "normal"; the substitute teacher, for example, who led sena's class one time, said to sena "you're not going to learn anything", frustrated that she could not get her to follow her instructions. i think she meant well, but was a bit misguided as to how different kids can be in learning something new.

so sena' s really comfortable in the water now, and she's so proud of her "diploma", and can't wait to go swimming again. aiyana's following suite, becoming more and more comfortable in the water and trying her own moves.

peace

my best birthday

i just turned 36 yrs old, and i had the best birthday!

i really feel surrounded by people who love me...

sena and aiyana made me a sweet necklace and bracelet, which i love to wear. they're colorful, vibrant, and very special to me because they remind me of the way my kids love me.

going into the weekend, i was actually a bit overwhelmed, since we had so many things planned. i told ed and the kids that i wanted to keep my bday really low key, although i did feel sad not to be able to celebrate with friends.

on saturday morning i had some time to myself, which was very nice; i went to the cafe and read, and then i sat by eagleville dam, looking at the water and the ducks floating by, and listening to the ice crack. when i got back home, we took sena to her dance class, and aiyana to the park. then we went to the co-op and finally back home for a nap. while at the co-op, unbeknownst to me, ed invited a bunch of our friends, who also happened to be there, over to our place that night, for a surprise gathering. it was very last minute, and it was perfect.

i was feeling really good when i got up from my nap, and soon after, our friends started showing up. when i realized what was going on, i got really excited. i'm happy i didn't know about it, bc i would've been stressed about cooking, the state of the house, etc.... instead, i got to enjoy myself in the company of people i love, without any worry. i am really grateful to ed for having done this for me, it was great.

on sunday, i had a nice breakfast with ed and the kids, then my sister and ricardo took sena and aiyana at their house for a couple of hrs, while ed and i went for a hike in the woods. it was raining and gray, but it still felt very beautiful to be walking by the river, amongst the trees. it was just nice to be outside. at the end of the hike, we sat down and read "the vision" by Tom Brown, which was a nice way to end our time together.

on sunday night, ed took the kids while i went to a blessingway for my friend Sue. it was very beautiful, intimate and touched me deeply. what a perfect thing to do on my birthday! not to mention that Sue surprised me wtih the best home-made blueberry crisp i ever had. mmm...

and the celebration continued into monday, when my friend Andela baked another amazing cake for me at the women's circle. all this was so nice and touching, and i feel like it's been the best birthday ever. above all, i feel so grateful to have these amazing, caring, loving, interesting people in my life!

at sue's house, after i blew the candle in my cake, someone asked me if i made a wish. and i said no... she said, go ahead, you can still make it...so i thought for a while, and the honest answer was that i really had no wishes to make, i'm just really happy with my life as it is....

peace

2 questions

two questions i've been asked with increasing frequency lately:
when is sena going to school?
and,
what am i going to do now (since the kids are supposedly more independent)?

i'm a little taken back by these question, and since they're occuring frequently and often my responses meet with judgement (and looks too), i feel that i'd better work on some answers....

so for sena (and aiyana) going to school...the best i can say is that at the moment i am considering all alternatives. from public school, to homeschooling and everything in between. i've been reading on different models of education (such as montessori, waldorf, homeschooling, unschooling, etc). there are many ideas i'm drawn to in what i read, and what i come accross when speaking to other parents and educators. i'm also reflecting a lot on my own education, or lack thereof, on what i want or do not want for my children in light of my experience. of course, sena and aiyana's own input will play an important role when deciding what kind of schooling to undertake. and finally, as my friend Sue advised me, i'm planning to take things slowly, one year at a time. maybe we'll try homeschooling, or motessori, for a semester and then decide that it's not working for us, and send our kids to public school. or vice-versa.

as for question #2, what am i going to do now? hmm, i don't know, walk in the woods, paint, sing, be really involved with my kids, write...well, these are not acceptable answers to that particular question, because i know that the people who ask it assume that the answer will come in the form of some kind of job or career. as of right now, i'm not investing any energy in anything of the sort. maybe in a few years, depending on the kid situation and our financial needs (which will hopefuly be kept to a minimum as they've been so far), i'll look for something to do part-time, something that pays. maybe i'll teach anthropology at a community college, maybe i'll work at the co-op, maybe i'll go back to school. maybe i'll grow mushrooms and sell them (shiitakes are supposed to be easy to grow and they sell for $12 per pound, organic, at the co-op).

we'll see...

peace

sweet julia

for some months now, i've been taking care of Julia, my little niece, two mornings a week, while my sister and Ricardo are at work. she's such a little sweetheart, such a pleasure to have around. she's really easy-going, and seems to always be in a good mood. she definitely brightens our days when she's with us.

here are some pictures of her and my kids. julia started loving homefries and eggs, which we have for breakfast every morning, so now when she comes over that's the first thing she asks for. she has her own place at the table, her own little plate and fork, but unfortunately we haven't been able to find a chair that she really likes (she always wants aiyana's and that causes a bit of tension since aiyana's pretty uptight about her stuff. sena usually shares with julia much better....)





in this picture, the girls wanted to sit on the couch and relax; they were very specific about each having her own blanket... (the red stuff around julia's mouth is ketchup - she had just finished her homefries)

yearning for closeness

lately, i've been feeling a growing need to connect and communicate. not just with people, but with animals, plants, and Nature in general. it's as if the emptiness i've been experiencing on and off over the past 2 months cleared me up and made space for this. this need to feel connected manifests itself quite strongly, in the form of a vague restlessness that underlies my everyday state. i also experience it in dreams, very strongly, in the form of incredible closeness to a person (who often changes form). these dreams are pure bliss, very hard to wake up from. i know that the feeling and energy i experience through these dreams is real; and i've also come to realize that since it takes different forms, i should not get attached to any one in particular.

but lately, i've been experiencing the need for connection beyond dreams, into my waking life; and beyond humans. it's hard to say this without sounding odd, but i feel like i really want to find a way to communicate with trees, rocks, hawks and other life forms in my immediate surroundings. i feel as if there's something they're trying to tell me or teach me, but i'm unable to receive it yet.

when i stand in front of my house, overlooking the fields and the woods, i feel calm and peaceful; at the same time, i feel a strong sense of anticipation, like something is about to happen, but i'm too insensitive to capture it. so i'm working on honing my senses, maybe developing new ones. i know that i can't communicate with Nature solely though my intellect, which unfortunately, at the moment, is the only thing i really know how to use.

reading books like "grandfather" by Tom Brown, and now "mycellium running" by Paul Stamets give me clues as to how i can approach life and nature in different ways. but books are books, and they will only get me so far - so for the most part, i'm on my own, experimenting, stumbling....

one thing that's already happened due to my desire for closeness with nature is that sometimes i feel less self-centered. it's a great relief, and i feel like i'm one step closer to feeling part of everything else.

i know, on a very deep level, that i am connected to everyone and everything, but i yearn to feel it, to live it with all my being, not just my head.

that is where i am....
peace

back from canada

driving back to CT yesterday was not quite aseasy as the drive up to Montreal. this time, i definitely wished the DVD player were working... but at least both kids had a nap, so the last 2 hrs of the drive were quiet. and the weather conditions were pretty good, so all in all things went ok.

but for some reason, i've been feeling stressed since i got home last night. i think it's because i have a really busy week ahead, with things planned every day. i really don't like that, having so many plans and commitments. i like taking each day on its own, and assessing the mood of the kids, and my own before deciding what to do... i've been living like that for the past 2 years and i love it.

i don't even know why this week is stressing me out so much... what commitments do i have? i have to drive to Manchester and renew my driver's licence; i have to take the kids swimming twice, then sena starts a new dance class, and ed has a bee keeping class one night. there are other things i need to take care of that i don't remember. oh, and we also misplaced 2 library books and they're due and it's bugging me that i can't find them.

but, i read a nice quote in one of my dad's papers this past weekend, and it went something like "life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how in how you respond to it". we all know this, of course, but it's nice to be reminded in such plain language. so i think that my problem right now is simply bad attitude, and i have to work with that.

oh, and something exciting that's going on right now is that i got this book i wanted about mushrooms "mycelium running" by Paul Stamets, and i'm really excited about reading it and possibly growing my own mushrooms.

peace

lhasa

thanks to my parents who gave me her 2004 CD "the living road" (i love that title), my passion for Lhasa's music has been rekindled. i decided to check youtube and found a beautiful performance of de cara a la pared.

and this is el desierto.

in montreal

i just had a great shower, long, and without any kid interruptions. what a treat!
my mom is watching sena and aiyana downstairs, and they're all very happy playing, dancing, drawing, etc.

we're in montreal, and i am very excited.

we had a great drive up here yesterday. although it didn't start so well, things worked out in the end. i found out at the very beginning of our trip, that the car DVD player i rented from the library was deffective. i was expecting lots of disappointed crying and fussing from the kids, and a very long drive. but, happily, i was wrong. they were amazingly understanding when they saw me try to make it work, to no avail. i told them that we'd watch their movies at buca's house in montreal, and they accepted it without any fussing. since we got here, they've been so interested in everything else, that they forgot all about the movies...

the drive took about 5.5hrs, with only one major stop. sena and aiyana entertained themselves with singing and story-telling; bird watching was also a big pass-time. we saw hawks, red-tailed hawks mostly; we saw one being chased and pecked at by two crows, which the kids really enjoyed. the most exciting sighting was a bald eagle. we saw it in vermont, in the southern part, and it was exciting because bald eagles are not so common in these areas. i never saw one in connecticut (ed did though), but i did see lots of them in Washington state, on the west coast, a few years back.

all in all, i was very pleasantly surprised by how well our trip went. it was also quite beautiful - i don't drive here so often anymore (about twice a year), so i forget how beautiful the landscape is, especially in vermont. the way the highway meanders through the mountains, and little things like the bare trees on the side of the road, are very special to me.

i realized, while driving and musing, that for me, the beauty of winter lays mostly in what is not revealed; but rather in what i know is present, hidden, waiting to emerge when time is right. the trees for example, are bare at this time of year, and they look dead. the life they embody is hidden deep inside - it's only a potential; yet in not so long, these same trees will bud, and leaves will open. they will attract birds, insects, and all kind of animal life. they will be vibrantly alive, and thinking of that makes me happy.

i love the cycles of nature, and how they reveal themselves in all living things, myself included. it used to be that when i felt drab and bleak and hopeless, i thought that something was wrong with me; i usually jumped on the first thing that promised relief (often getting myself in trouble); i'm a little more aware now, i have more experience and feel more in touch with Life and Nature; so i know that often, feeling dead and hopeless, is just one part of the cycle. when i feel this way now, i try to draw inwards, see if there are any things i need to shed or let go of; and recognize if there are any things that are trying to emerge, allowing them to do so. often, what seems like a dead end, is only a renewal.

i actually went through this not long ago, in december and part of january. it seems to be coming to an end now, just as spring is on its way (groundhog day tomorrow, don't forget); i can feel new seeds of hope and possibility sprout inside of me, just as i know they are deep inside the frozen ground...

peace