bikeride

it feels so good to be on my bike again!

this morning, roxi took sena and aiyana, and since the sun was out, i decided that i would ride my bike. the temperature is just perfect - don't need a big coat or anything like that.

i biked to the community center, where i usually go on fridays to work out, but today i decided that working out indoors is kind of sacriligeous, so i just went there to shower instead (the water pressure's not too good at our house, and with my long hair it takes forever to rinse out all the soap). i guess gym membership does have its priviledges...
the only tricky part was that in my effort to carry with me as little as possible (only 2 books in my bag...), i forgot to bring a towel, so drying myself was tricky, and getting my clothes on was in itself a workout.

then i got back on my bike, and came to UConn for a little snack, and quick email check; soon i'll be off to find a quiet spot where i can read my book.

i was talking to ed last night, and i realized that what i really want to work on, in my relationship with the kids, with him and everyone else, is learning how to be firm but loving. i have a very hard time with that. i don't like to be firm, or confrontational, or anything along those lines. to me, being loving has meant giving even when it has been at my own expense, which i think is ok, but within limits. my daily interraction with the kids have made me realize that being firm and setting clear boundaries, as to what is and is not acceptable, is essential. i also realized that it's important for them to see that i respect myself and take care of myself by putting up these boundaries, because otherwise they'll keep pushing until they find the limit. they love to test...as all parents know.

so my challenge right now is how to say to people close to me: 'these are my needs' in a loving and respectful way, while still helping them to take care of their own needs. i haven't been doing this too well so far, and what happens is that when things get to be too much, and i fall apart, the whole family falls apart. so in a way, taking care of myself, is not just for my benefit, but for the harmony of our family as a whole. the tricky part is also not to go too far the other way. not to become too selfish or self-centered.

i have to say that i'm very grateful to my kids and ed for 'forcing' me to deal with this issue. it's been something i've been needing to do for a long time, but i never felt supported or safe enough to do it in other relationships.

these are my thoughts right now, and i'll stop here bc it's too nice outside to be in front of a computer.

peace

peace