a few days ago i found out that some people in my circle of aquaintances are offended when i nurse aiyana in front of them. i was told about this indirectly, through a woman i'm close with, and i found out that it's been going on for quite sometime.
of course i'm aware that nursing raises uncomfortable issues with some people, but i haven't had to deal with it on a personal level until now. in our community, i.e. among the people i find myself with on a regular basis, nursing is in the open, easy and natural. it's a non-issue. my friends nurse, like me, on demand, at home, in public, wherever we happen to be. we nurse as long as the child wants to nurse, so it's not uncommon to see 3 year-olds who still nurse on and off throughout the day. this may be shocking in some cultures, but not all.
despite lack of public acknowledgement, even conventional institutions such as the AAP (American Academy of Pediatricians), or the WHO (World Health Organization) now recommend nursing for a couple of years. nursing is acknowledged by conventional and alternative medical authorities as critical to children's health and emotional well-being (both short and long-term).
so the whole thing with the couple that got offended came out after their baby's christening. we went to church (and i nursed there), and then we all went out to a restaurant. i don't think anyone saw me nurse in church, but at the restaurant, aiyana was intimidated by the new environment and everything going on, plus she was tired, so about half-way through the meal, she wanted to nurse. by the time we left the restaurant she had nursed two or three times, and i tried to be as discreet as possible covering myself with my sweater, but i did not leave the table or anything like that. i just behaved normal, continuing to talk to people, just being my natural self as i am whenever i nurse. but, i guess this was a big deal.
the baby that got christened was about 3-months-old, and of course, he had to nurse too a few times while we were there, but the mother took him to the bathroom, and nursed in there. there was only one bathroom in the restaurant, for men and women together, a small room with one toilet, a sink, and no space to sit (unless you brought in a chair which is what she did). to quote my sister, this is how i feel about nursing in the bathroom: "would you want to eat your meal in there"? probably not. so that's not an option for me.
i discussed this issue with the woman who made me aware of it. i guess i was a little hurt that this couple has been privately harboring negative feelings towards me for quite some time (i've been nursing for over 4 years now); but mostly, my reaction was just wanting to understand where they come from and how can we find something that works for everyone.
this woman, who i talked to also disagrees with nursing in public. but i really respect and like her, because we can have a positive conversation about topics we feel very differently about. she told me that nursing in public makes people uncomfortable because people here don't like to expose their bodies. well, i kind of had to jump on that one. why then are women exposing themselves everywhere you look? TV, magazines, the internet, advertisements; women (and men sometimes) wear revealing clothing, and exposing their bodies, stopping short only of being completely naked. this is considered acceptable, even desirable. do the people who are offended by nursing ask themselves whether it's ok for women's bodies to be used and exposed in order to sell something?
even the mother in this couple, who felt compelled to nurse in the bathroom, is otherwise not shy at all about wearing very revealing clothing, such as skin-tight, low-cut shirts, or bikinis that leave very little (only the nipple really) to the imagination. come to think of it, all throughout my 20's i used to wear the same type of clothing, the more revealing the better, and i never offended anyone with it...certainly not in the same way as nursing.
i think that men and women are uncomfortable with nursing because breasts, and women's bodies in general, are seen as sexual objects first and foremost. to me, whatever your feelings about breasts are (different cultures have different views and hangups around them), one thing that seems obvious and universal is that they are there for nursing children. yet women will get upset seeing other women nurse because (and i have heard this myself) "my husband doesn't need to see that", and men get upset too because, i don't know, i guess they feel nervous, they just don't know how to deal with it in a non-sexual context.
but anyway, when it comes down to it, i have no problem respecting this couple's wishes and not nursing in front of them again. my big concern with all this, however, is that i truly feel that i have a moral obligation to myself and others, especially mothers, to breastfeed openly. i feel that if i start hiding myself and giving in to the pressure, i am implicitly perpetuating the views and taboos i disagree with; if i hide, i feel that i am giving the message that there's something wrong with breastfeeding, and more importantly, i am making it harder for other mothers to breastfeed. i feel that the only way people will come to see nursing as a natural part of life is by seeing women nurse. (incidentally, if i had taken out a bottle and given it to aiyana at the restaurant, do you think anyone would have been offended? i doubt it. it would've been seen as normal for a young child. this, to me is a perversion of the natural way, where the breast is what is natural, and the bottle an artificial replacement.)
so i've decided that with this one particular couple and their family, i will be discreet, and leave the room to nurse. i also, unfortunately, feel less drawn to attend gatherings with them...but in general, i have no good reason to stop nursing in public; i feel that it's important to support breastfeeding and to help change people's taboos about it, and for me, the best way to do so is to nurse openly and freely.
of course i'm aware that nursing raises uncomfortable issues with some people, but i haven't had to deal with it on a personal level until now. in our community, i.e. among the people i find myself with on a regular basis, nursing is in the open, easy and natural. it's a non-issue. my friends nurse, like me, on demand, at home, in public, wherever we happen to be. we nurse as long as the child wants to nurse, so it's not uncommon to see 3 year-olds who still nurse on and off throughout the day. this may be shocking in some cultures, but not all.
despite lack of public acknowledgement, even conventional institutions such as the AAP (American Academy of Pediatricians), or the WHO (World Health Organization) now recommend nursing for a couple of years. nursing is acknowledged by conventional and alternative medical authorities as critical to children's health and emotional well-being (both short and long-term).
so the whole thing with the couple that got offended came out after their baby's christening. we went to church (and i nursed there), and then we all went out to a restaurant. i don't think anyone saw me nurse in church, but at the restaurant, aiyana was intimidated by the new environment and everything going on, plus she was tired, so about half-way through the meal, she wanted to nurse. by the time we left the restaurant she had nursed two or three times, and i tried to be as discreet as possible covering myself with my sweater, but i did not leave the table or anything like that. i just behaved normal, continuing to talk to people, just being my natural self as i am whenever i nurse. but, i guess this was a big deal.
the baby that got christened was about 3-months-old, and of course, he had to nurse too a few times while we were there, but the mother took him to the bathroom, and nursed in there. there was only one bathroom in the restaurant, for men and women together, a small room with one toilet, a sink, and no space to sit (unless you brought in a chair which is what she did). to quote my sister, this is how i feel about nursing in the bathroom: "would you want to eat your meal in there"? probably not. so that's not an option for me.
i discussed this issue with the woman who made me aware of it. i guess i was a little hurt that this couple has been privately harboring negative feelings towards me for quite some time (i've been nursing for over 4 years now); but mostly, my reaction was just wanting to understand where they come from and how can we find something that works for everyone.
this woman, who i talked to also disagrees with nursing in public. but i really respect and like her, because we can have a positive conversation about topics we feel very differently about. she told me that nursing in public makes people uncomfortable because people here don't like to expose their bodies. well, i kind of had to jump on that one. why then are women exposing themselves everywhere you look? TV, magazines, the internet, advertisements; women (and men sometimes) wear revealing clothing, and exposing their bodies, stopping short only of being completely naked. this is considered acceptable, even desirable. do the people who are offended by nursing ask themselves whether it's ok for women's bodies to be used and exposed in order to sell something?
even the mother in this couple, who felt compelled to nurse in the bathroom, is otherwise not shy at all about wearing very revealing clothing, such as skin-tight, low-cut shirts, or bikinis that leave very little (only the nipple really) to the imagination. come to think of it, all throughout my 20's i used to wear the same type of clothing, the more revealing the better, and i never offended anyone with it...certainly not in the same way as nursing.
i think that men and women are uncomfortable with nursing because breasts, and women's bodies in general, are seen as sexual objects first and foremost. to me, whatever your feelings about breasts are (different cultures have different views and hangups around them), one thing that seems obvious and universal is that they are there for nursing children. yet women will get upset seeing other women nurse because (and i have heard this myself) "my husband doesn't need to see that", and men get upset too because, i don't know, i guess they feel nervous, they just don't know how to deal with it in a non-sexual context.
but anyway, when it comes down to it, i have no problem respecting this couple's wishes and not nursing in front of them again. my big concern with all this, however, is that i truly feel that i have a moral obligation to myself and others, especially mothers, to breastfeed openly. i feel that if i start hiding myself and giving in to the pressure, i am implicitly perpetuating the views and taboos i disagree with; if i hide, i feel that i am giving the message that there's something wrong with breastfeeding, and more importantly, i am making it harder for other mothers to breastfeed. i feel that the only way people will come to see nursing as a natural part of life is by seeing women nurse. (incidentally, if i had taken out a bottle and given it to aiyana at the restaurant, do you think anyone would have been offended? i doubt it. it would've been seen as normal for a young child. this, to me is a perversion of the natural way, where the breast is what is natural, and the bottle an artificial replacement.)
so i've decided that with this one particular couple and their family, i will be discreet, and leave the room to nurse. i also, unfortunately, feel less drawn to attend gatherings with them...but in general, i have no good reason to stop nursing in public; i feel that it's important to support breastfeeding and to help change people's taboos about it, and for me, the best way to do so is to nurse openly and freely.
peace
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