crazy

i've experienced so much anger this week. i don't know what's going on, but things just about overwhelmed me yesterday. the kids have been pushing me to my limits, on and off throughout the day, every day since monday. i also haven't been sleeping great, which is magnifying things considerably.

when aiyana is whining a lot, or sena is defiant, i get so mad sometimes, i just don't know what to do. i can feel myself getting to the boiling point, and i try to calm down, but if the kids keep pushing, i just can't get myself out of it, and i yell at them (a lot), which i really don't like. so i've been mad at them, mad at myself for not handling things better, mad at everyone for whatever reason i can think of.

but, we had a wonderful women's circle on monday, where i laughed and felt totally relaxed. and the kids have had some really sweet moments interspersed with the things they did that drove me crazy. like at one point, i was mad at sena, for being so picky with her food, and disrespectful towards me (she asked for pasta, after being indecisive and whiny for a long timer, and when the pasta came she said she din't want it...); i was also starting to lose it with aiyana, who was being demanding, and asking everything in a really annoying whiny voice. so i was in the kitchen by myself, after having yelled at both of them, trying to calm down; they were quiet for a few minutes in the living room. then they came in to see me, and sena showed me her empty bowl - she had eaten all the pasta. then aiyana said to me in a really sweet, reconciliatory voice "happy birthday, mama, happy birthday". it was obvious that it was the nicest thing she could think of to make me feel better. i started laughing, and things lightened up....

things are lighter today than they have been the rest of the week, and i'm trying to enjoy every small moment of peace that comes my way...