sweet julia

for some months now, i've been taking care of Julia, my little niece, two mornings a week, while my sister and Ricardo are at work. she's such a little sweetheart, such a pleasure to have around. she's really easy-going, and seems to always be in a good mood. she definitely brightens our days when she's with us.

here are some pictures of her and my kids. julia started loving homefries and eggs, which we have for breakfast every morning, so now when she comes over that's the first thing she asks for. she has her own place at the table, her own little plate and fork, but unfortunately we haven't been able to find a chair that she really likes (she always wants aiyana's and that causes a bit of tension since aiyana's pretty uptight about her stuff. sena usually shares with julia much better....)





in this picture, the girls wanted to sit on the couch and relax; they were very specific about each having her own blanket... (the red stuff around julia's mouth is ketchup - she had just finished her homefries)

yearning for closeness

lately, i've been feeling a growing need to connect and communicate. not just with people, but with animals, plants, and Nature in general. it's as if the emptiness i've been experiencing on and off over the past 2 months cleared me up and made space for this. this need to feel connected manifests itself quite strongly, in the form of a vague restlessness that underlies my everyday state. i also experience it in dreams, very strongly, in the form of incredible closeness to a person (who often changes form). these dreams are pure bliss, very hard to wake up from. i know that the feeling and energy i experience through these dreams is real; and i've also come to realize that since it takes different forms, i should not get attached to any one in particular.

but lately, i've been experiencing the need for connection beyond dreams, into my waking life; and beyond humans. it's hard to say this without sounding odd, but i feel like i really want to find a way to communicate with trees, rocks, hawks and other life forms in my immediate surroundings. i feel as if there's something they're trying to tell me or teach me, but i'm unable to receive it yet.

when i stand in front of my house, overlooking the fields and the woods, i feel calm and peaceful; at the same time, i feel a strong sense of anticipation, like something is about to happen, but i'm too insensitive to capture it. so i'm working on honing my senses, maybe developing new ones. i know that i can't communicate with Nature solely though my intellect, which unfortunately, at the moment, is the only thing i really know how to use.

reading books like "grandfather" by Tom Brown, and now "mycellium running" by Paul Stamets give me clues as to how i can approach life and nature in different ways. but books are books, and they will only get me so far - so for the most part, i'm on my own, experimenting, stumbling....

one thing that's already happened due to my desire for closeness with nature is that sometimes i feel less self-centered. it's a great relief, and i feel like i'm one step closer to feeling part of everything else.

i know, on a very deep level, that i am connected to everyone and everything, but i yearn to feel it, to live it with all my being, not just my head.

that is where i am....
peace

back from canada

driving back to CT yesterday was not quite aseasy as the drive up to Montreal. this time, i definitely wished the DVD player were working... but at least both kids had a nap, so the last 2 hrs of the drive were quiet. and the weather conditions were pretty good, so all in all things went ok.

but for some reason, i've been feeling stressed since i got home last night. i think it's because i have a really busy week ahead, with things planned every day. i really don't like that, having so many plans and commitments. i like taking each day on its own, and assessing the mood of the kids, and my own before deciding what to do... i've been living like that for the past 2 years and i love it.

i don't even know why this week is stressing me out so much... what commitments do i have? i have to drive to Manchester and renew my driver's licence; i have to take the kids swimming twice, then sena starts a new dance class, and ed has a bee keeping class one night. there are other things i need to take care of that i don't remember. oh, and we also misplaced 2 library books and they're due and it's bugging me that i can't find them.

but, i read a nice quote in one of my dad's papers this past weekend, and it went something like "life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how in how you respond to it". we all know this, of course, but it's nice to be reminded in such plain language. so i think that my problem right now is simply bad attitude, and i have to work with that.

oh, and something exciting that's going on right now is that i got this book i wanted about mushrooms "mycelium running" by Paul Stamets, and i'm really excited about reading it and possibly growing my own mushrooms.

peace

lhasa

thanks to my parents who gave me her 2004 CD "the living road" (i love that title), my passion for Lhasa's music has been rekindled. i decided to check youtube and found a beautiful performance of de cara a la pared.

and this is el desierto.

in montreal

i just had a great shower, long, and without any kid interruptions. what a treat!
my mom is watching sena and aiyana downstairs, and they're all very happy playing, dancing, drawing, etc.

we're in montreal, and i am very excited.

we had a great drive up here yesterday. although it didn't start so well, things worked out in the end. i found out at the very beginning of our trip, that the car DVD player i rented from the library was deffective. i was expecting lots of disappointed crying and fussing from the kids, and a very long drive. but, happily, i was wrong. they were amazingly understanding when they saw me try to make it work, to no avail. i told them that we'd watch their movies at buca's house in montreal, and they accepted it without any fussing. since we got here, they've been so interested in everything else, that they forgot all about the movies...

the drive took about 5.5hrs, with only one major stop. sena and aiyana entertained themselves with singing and story-telling; bird watching was also a big pass-time. we saw hawks, red-tailed hawks mostly; we saw one being chased and pecked at by two crows, which the kids really enjoyed. the most exciting sighting was a bald eagle. we saw it in vermont, in the southern part, and it was exciting because bald eagles are not so common in these areas. i never saw one in connecticut (ed did though), but i did see lots of them in Washington state, on the west coast, a few years back.

all in all, i was very pleasantly surprised by how well our trip went. it was also quite beautiful - i don't drive here so often anymore (about twice a year), so i forget how beautiful the landscape is, especially in vermont. the way the highway meanders through the mountains, and little things like the bare trees on the side of the road, are very special to me.

i realized, while driving and musing, that for me, the beauty of winter lays mostly in what is not revealed; but rather in what i know is present, hidden, waiting to emerge when time is right. the trees for example, are bare at this time of year, and they look dead. the life they embody is hidden deep inside - it's only a potential; yet in not so long, these same trees will bud, and leaves will open. they will attract birds, insects, and all kind of animal life. they will be vibrantly alive, and thinking of that makes me happy.

i love the cycles of nature, and how they reveal themselves in all living things, myself included. it used to be that when i felt drab and bleak and hopeless, i thought that something was wrong with me; i usually jumped on the first thing that promised relief (often getting myself in trouble); i'm a little more aware now, i have more experience and feel more in touch with Life and Nature; so i know that often, feeling dead and hopeless, is just one part of the cycle. when i feel this way now, i try to draw inwards, see if there are any things i need to shed or let go of; and recognize if there are any things that are trying to emerge, allowing them to do so. often, what seems like a dead end, is only a renewal.

i actually went through this not long ago, in december and part of january. it seems to be coming to an end now, just as spring is on its way (groundhog day tomorrow, don't forget); i can feel new seeds of hope and possibility sprout inside of me, just as i know they are deep inside the frozen ground...

peace

10 to 6

for the first time in...hmm...i guess over 4 years now, i slept from 10 at night till 6 in the morning with no interruption (except for my out-of-control dreams...). that is because i finally weaned aiyana from night-time nursing. i asked her not to nurse anymore, so that we could both get more sleep, and as opposed to a few months ago when i tried the same and found it heart-breaking, and hence decided to abandon the entire thing, this time things went quite smoothly, and in 3 nights we were done. now, she nurses to go to sleep, and upon waking in the morning. she still nurses during the day, usually 2 or 3 times, but this doesn't bother me at all, and i'm willing to keep going as long as she wants.

i'm grateful to ed for being very supportive during this change; on the second night of trying to wean, aiyana slept with him all night, which was really sweet. ed was very happy that she finally wanted to cuddle with him, although he didn't get much sleep, not being used to her wriggling and squirming...

pictures

this is just a fallen tree i sat on at the end of my hike a week ago.

i've been playing around with some pictures i took recently, changing colors, cropping, stuff like that. i kind of like how these two came out.

what we've been up to...

this past wednesday it was cold out but the sun was shining. sena really wanted to go for a picnic, because she wanted to pack her own lunch and a tablecloth in her backpack. aiyana, of course, wanted the same thing. so i though, why not? we went to mansfield hollow, and found a nice spot by the lake, in the sun. they took out their backpacks, spread their cloths on the sand, and had a little snack of cashews and raisins; they were very proud to have orchestrated the entire thing by themselves. it was all very sweet...

another day, they got dressed up with different scarves and random pieces of material found around the house, and put on an impromptu show for me. it was very beautiful, with dancing, singing, and lots of free play...

"every woman needs a ..."

yesterday, sena and aiyana were sitting at a table at the food co-op, having yoghurt; i was standing in line at the register waiting to pay for groceries.
then, seemingly out of nowhere, sena says to aiyana, lound enough for everyone to hear:
"every woman needs a sperm"; and the two of them continue eating their yoghurt, unaffected.

kristen, the cashier, whom we know well, gives me this look and starts laughing, then says: you'll have to tell me more about that. the guy in front of me, a stranger, can barely keep his face straight, but he's trying.

sena's been fascinated w birth and babies and wants to know everything. we explained as much as we could, and she really gets it. at one point, when our hens were laying eggs, she wanted to know if there were chicks growing inside the eggs, and we said no, bc the hens didn't get a sperm from a rooster. so then she asked if this applies to women as well, and we said yes, and hence yesterday's comment....

aiyana

we've been having a hard time with aiyana lately. actually, she's been having a hard time in general. she seems to be very moody these days, easily frustrated when things don't go the way she expects them to. she's a very intense person, and her intensity comes out in all kinds of ways. she can be so happy and bouncy and buoyant; she can be such a joy to be with and watch; and she can also be very demanding, relentless, exhausting.

one major source of frustration for her at the moment is not being able to express herself as much as she wants to, and not being understood. her language is progressing really well, she's learning so many new words all the time, putting together sentences and all of that; but i don't think it's fast enough for her, because i feel that she just can't express everything she wants to through language, and so she has to resort to whining and crying. she gets very frustrated when she says a word and we don't understand it. she'll repeat it for us patiently 5 to 10 times, but after that, if we still don't get it, she starts to cry and shout the word at us. she doesn't let go, and she can be upset about it for a while, even thuogh we try to distract her, etc.
sena's actually been really helpful in this respect, because she understands aiyana's words the best, and so many times when ed and i are having trouble, sena will spare us all a blowout by translating what aiayana's saying.

unfortunately, sometimes what makes the situation more difficult is the fact that ed and i don't agree on how to handle it. especially in the heat of the moment, when things are falling apart, and aiayana's screaming, if ed and i disagree on how to handle it, things feel SO much harder. this happened this morning, for instance.

aiayana and i slept quite poorly last night, so we were both tired waking up. sena and ed were already in the kitchen. aiayana got out of bed and went into the kitchen to be w them, and right away started being very demending with sena. she insisted on having the exact toy that sena was playing with at the moment. sena gave it to her, but when she picked something else to play with, aiayana again started whining and demanding it. she whined for a while, then ed offered ayiana some other toys but she wanted nothing to do with anything except what sena had. by this time she was crying and screaming, and all of us were standing in the kitchen.

ed's preffered approach in this situation is to let her have her fit, and ignore her until she comes down. my approach, drastically different, is to try and offer her a bunch of things to make her happy, and simply to just try all kinds of things in an attemp to find whatever works. this morning, ed didn't believe that we should take sena's toy away and give it to aiyana, and we agreed on this, but only this.

ed thinks that by catering to aiyana and trying to do whatever it takes to soothe her, i reinforce her behavior. he thinks that i should be more firm with her, and let her know that this is not an acceptable way of getting what she wants. he is probably right to some extent, but, i have a few issues with this.

one, it is simply impossible for me to ignore her and go about my business unaffected. maybe it's a mother thing. all i know is that when she's upset and crying, something inside me, which is more than my mind or reason, something very primal and instinctual urges me to help her. this urge is very strong and overrides every other thought, so i have to follow it. if i don't, i experience tremendous anxiety.

another reason for my disagreement w ed is that i really don't believe that ayiana is trying to manipulate us. i just think that she's an intense kid, and she needs help dealing with her strong emotions, especially when they come out as frustration. i think that it is our responsibility as parents to help guide her thuogh theese difficult times with compassion, as much as possible, and not just shut her out, or try to make her behave like "a good kid", whatever that is. i can really see that the same intensity that makes her be so funny and adorable, is what drives her to be so demanding at times like this morning.

fortunately, and i mean really fortunately, ed and i can and do talk about these things when things get calm again. so even though in the middle of a flareup we may disagree on how to handle it (and this can be so difficult), eventually, when things come down, we will sit down and have a thoughtful conversation about what happened, and what we can do to better work with the situation. we are both open to finding a solution that work for everyone, even though it may not be our solution. so we read books, talk to people when appropriate, and simply search our souls for the answers.

i do think a lot about how i am with aiyana, whether i should be firmer with her; whether i am not in fact doing our whole family a huge disfavor by being too indulgent? i don't know.
i do know that it's very important for me to be compassionate twds her. so it's a fine line to walk between showing compassion and being firm in a loving, supportive way. at the moment, i am stumbling.

ed, on the other hand, i think is starting to figure out that there are no set answers. that you can't just make up the rules and stick to them no matter what. that we're dealing with a child here, and that we don't want to suppress her personality or make her shut down. i think he's realizing that each child is unique and what works for one will not for another, so the rules do have to change, and adapt to personality, temperament, context, and whatever else is going on. it takes a lot of sensitivity to be this way, and i am glad that i'm with ed on this one, because if anything, he is a sensitive person.

when i left the house this morning, to go on my time off, i was crying. i could hear aiayana also criyng in the house. the air was cold outside, and it felt nice to come out into it, but i could not stop my tears. i felt sad for aiyana, frustrated for not knowing what to do, and mad at ed for not supporting me during the whole incident. i fumbled with the car seats for a while, as i did not want to go to the cafe in tears at 8 o'clock in the morning.

then ed came out of the house, and i knew that he wanted to comfort me. aiyana had temporarily stopped crying. ed and i talked for 5 minutes, and i got to tell him a little about how i felt. he did too, and it was still intense btw us, but it felt like we were making progress. he had to go back in the house soon enough, but by that time, i was feeling a lot better for having talked to him. there's a lot more to talk about still, but i can tell that we're both open to listening to each other and finding ways to work with this.

at the cafe, i read a book that my sister gave me yesterday: raising your spirited child (what a coincidence! or maybe not, maybe she noticed that i could use it...the term "spirited" certainly suits aiyana. and me, for that matter).

so after some reading, and some interesting ideas i took out of the book, i feel refreshed and enthusiastic about working with this situation. my thought is that i don't want to give up on aiyana, in the sense that i don't want to force her to fit into some mold of somebody she's not. i want to honor her personality, in all its intensity, and at the same time, i want to find ways to work with her and redirect her energy into expressions that will fit harmoniously (at least most of the time) into all of our lives.

phew, i feel better for spewing out all that.....

the barn

a few weeks ago, i was supposed to go out for my time off, but it was snowing and storming so much that i could not get the car out of the driveway. instead, at ed's suggestion, i walked over to this barn; i brought along my camping chair and book. i was bundled up, with my big coat, hat, gloves, and two pairs of pants. i sat inside the barn, in the dim light that came through the open door, and read. the storm raged outside. eventually, i put down my book and just watched. actually, it wasn't just watching. it was more like being with the storm - watching, listening, feeling it on my skin. the snow was so wild it blew right into the barn to where i sat. i could feel the strength of the storm though i felt sheltered. it was a great experience, and i'm glad that my plans to go out as usual didn't work out.
i took the picture below this past monday, on a different day than the storm.

sunbeams from the january 2008 issue of The Sun

"one loses the capacity to grieve as a child grieves, or to rage as a child rages: hotly, despairingly, with tears of passion. one grows up, one becomes civilized, one learns one's manners, and consequently can no longer manage thses two funcions - sorrow and anger - adequately". (Anita Brookner)

"don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes, you'll know you're dead". (Tennessee Williams)

"if my life were not a dangerous, painful experiement, if i did not constantly skirt the abyss and feel the void under my feet, my life would have no meaning and i would not have been able to write anuthing". (Herman Hesse)

and my favorite:

"if you're really listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly". (Andrew Harvey)

i like this one a lot because it's so encompassing. you can't truly experience beauty and bliss if you can't allow yourself or if you're unable to experience pain and suffering. the point is not the beauty or the pain. the point is that your heart is open and hence you experience all these different aspects of life deeply.

aiyana's stack of books

aiyana got into this habit of carying a stack of books around the house with her. she'll have anywhere from 5 to 10 books, of different sizes, which makes the stack uneven and hard to carry.
she insists on taking it into the bedroom every day at naptime and again at night, then back into the living room. she can't carry all her books, so she drops them, trips over them and falls; then she stands around whining for someone to help.

i got aggravated with her over this a few times, until i remembered that i used to carry a stack of books with me and still do most of the times. i remember one instance in particular, when i traveled to europe by myself in 1994. i had a huge luggage, which i had to lug around cities, on and off trains, everywhere i went. most of my luggage consisted of books and shoes. i had some clothes too, but those were so skimpy that they didn't take much room.

these days, i always have at least 2 books in my bag, not counting my journal and calendar.
when i realized these things, it all suddenly seemed very funny.

how i feel right now

this comes as a big surprise, but lately, i've been enjoying going to the cafe less and less during my time off. same for reading my books. i wonder if it's the time of year- i feel like i'm going through some kind of transformation, and for the moment, i feel quite desolate. the only things i really enjoy are spending time with the kids (although that can be exhausting), being out in nature, or listening to music.

i feel like i'm about to leave behind or transform some important parts of me, taking steps towards something unknown. it's scary and exciting at the same time. i feel a lot of light and openess on the other side of whatever this is that i'm going through.

i've been asking for guidance, and i've been wishing so hard to get closer to Nature. so maybe this is what i'm getting: less tolerance for certain things that feel meaningless.

peace

my family at Christmas

my mom took these pictures :

Lisa's Blessingway

last sunday, i went to my friend Lisa's Blessingway. she's expecting her second baby any day now, and we had a small gathering of women in her honor. i am so glad that i was part of this, i feel like it renewed me. my friend Sue lead the ritual, which felt intimate and comforting; we had some amazing, home-cooked food afterwards; but the best part for me was meeting the other women who were there, most of which i did not know. some in particular, i felt like i connected to right away, and when they spoke during ritual, i felt so much power and beauty through them. it was very inspiring.
the ritual was simple but powerful - we each spoke about Lisa and how we knew her; then we each presented her with something for the birth - whether it be a story or birth experience; some inspiring words on motherhood/womanhood; or an object symbolic of a quality that she might find useful during birth. we also made her a necklace, each one of us picking a special bead for it, stringing them all together. she will wear it during birth, and hopefully derive strength, support, or whatever she needs from it.

whatever this blessingway may have meant to Lisa (and i think it meant a lot), it was definitely something i really needed. very nourishing, because it allowed me to connect with these amazing women on a basic level, deriving strength and inspiration from them.

i was never into baby showers, wedding showers, or even weddings for that matter. not my type of gathering. but this is something very different, and if i have another child, i'd love to have a blessingway celebration.

spring in winter

the past two days have been gorgeous - sunny and warm. so the kids and i spent a lot of times outside, and it felt so nice. on monday, we had an impromptu walk in the woods, where these pictures are taken. we spent time walking around, looking for animal tracks, and playing. the nicest part, for me, was on the way back to the car, when we took a little rest under a big tree. i noticed a sweet patch of moss on the ground under the tree, and i pointed it to sena, and she decided right away that it was a perfect sleeping spot. so she and aiyana started gathering leaves and pine needles, making a cozy nest for themselves. i just sat in the sun close-by, watching them, enjoying the warmth and beauty of the woods.
here are some pictures from that day:

sena, the little tree-hugger (she also talks to the trees)

this is a little pond we came accross on our hike. sena and aiyana were very excited to play on the shore, picking up pieces of ice and throwing them as far as possible into the pond.


i really liked the roots of this tree, and sena reminded me of a little forest sprite




the nesting spot:



and back to the car, as the sun starts going down

of hawks and chickens

(fri jan 4th 2008)

today, as i pulled out of the driveway, i saw a beautiful red-tailed-hawked perched in the bare branches of a tree. i recognized this beautiful bird as the same i saw about a week ago, in the same spot. that time, i was with my friend jennifer and our kids, and when i stopped the car to get a better look, the hawk flew away. today though, i was alone, so i stopped the car as quitely as possible, and sat in stillness, looking at him. it was only a few moments, but i felt very lucky to be in his presence. i tried to open the window so i could be closer to him, but when i did that, i saw him shift on his feet, then slowly open his wings and fly away. he swept slowly overhead, as if he wanted me to have a good look at him. definitely a large bird, probably over 1 ft tall and maybe 4 ft full wingspan, his tail a deep rust color. i followed him as far as i colud with my eyes, as he flew over the field and into the woods.

i've been in somewhat of a slump since nap-time yesterday, feeling sad and a little hopeless; but seeing him washed me clean. there was so powerful a presence about him.

actually, i often noticed that just as i get overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions, something unexpected happens, and i feel alright again.
like i'll see the hawk, or i'll sit under the tree in front of our house on a dark, foggy night and listen to the deer snorting in the field, and the wind creaking through the branches, and somehow, i end up feeling that everything is ok, and i'm renewed.

a few hours later....
as i pulled in the driveway, i could see the red-tailed hawk in the same tree he had been sitting in earlier. as soon as i got onto the driveway though, he flew away, over my neighbor's house and into the woods.

i drove to the house, parked the car and walked over to the mailbox. i must've been in a haze, because i didn't notice anything; so i was really surpsised, when all of a sudden, another, smaller hawk flew up right in front of me, off the ground and up into a tree. he was so close to me, i was obviously disturbing him, and when i looked, i saw from what - he was eating one of our chickens, whcih he must've killed not long before i got there. i could see that he has struck the chicken on the side of her neck. she had a deep gash there, but the rest of her body was intact.
now the hawk was perched in a tree right above me, obviously waiting for me to get out of there, so he could finish his meal. i felt sorry for our chicken, but also somewhat fascinated by what was going on. i checked to see if any other chickens were killed, and i found the remaining 2 hidden in the bushes. i genltly picked them up and put them in their coop. i think they feel safe in there. when i came back to where the dead chiclen was, the hawk was still up in the tree, waiting. i thought that i should just go in the house and let him finish the chicken undisturbed. but i wanted to have a good look at him first. it was a different hawk than the one i had seen earlier. much smaller, even smaller than the chicken it had just killed. it also had different markings. after looking it up in the bird book, ed and i think it's a cooper hawk. i stood by the tree for a while, looking at the hawk, who was cocking his head from side to side looking at me. we were checking each other out. finally,i walked back into the house.

after 10-15 minutes,when things were calm again outside, i looked out the window and could see that he had come down from the tree and was eating the chicken. it was pretty amazing witnessing this, and it was also interesting to notice my reactions (ranging from feeling sorry for the chicken to admiration for the hawk) and to realize that it doesn't matter how i feel or react, because things will simply take the course they must take.

by the time ed came home, there was still some chicken left, but the hawk had left. we left the chicken out there overnight, assuming that a fox or coyote would come and take it away. it was gone this morning, so something did come, but it was hard to tell what bc the snow is hard and there are no tracks.
so out of 6 chickens, we only have 2 left. besides the one we lost yesterday, we lso had 3 killed by a fisher cat a month or so ago. i guess we'll keep the last 2 in the coop for a while, esp with all the hawks around. but they don't really like being in there for too long, they like roaming and pecking at things outside. so they'll be out again soon, and we'll just have to hope for the best.

(the pictures above are of the hawk perched in the tree and of him eating the chicken).

recent pictures of Sena and Aiyana

this is what brushing your teeth while hugging looks like. aiyana kept saiyng "buggy, buggy" in her little loving voice, and hugging sena with all her might...they were so cute, i just had to bring out the camera.


this is another picture taken before bedtime (they seem to get so hyper at that time)


sena's been making some pretty amazing paintings ever since she started painting. she's got a very unique style, which i'm ashamed to admit, i have (unsuccessfully) tried to imitate...



this is grandpa and the girls. he loves them so much, and they always have fun together.

Happy New Year

(mon dec 31st)

ed just took the kids to the store to buy sena goggles. she got some cash for her bday, and she's really excited to be able to buy something for herself; what she wants at the moment is goggles.
so i'm home alone.
as soon as they left i put on some music and started dancing. i got some new cd's at christmas: bruce springsteen's "magic", "eddie vedder's "into the wild", and lhasa's "the living road". i put them on and let myself move, and soon i felt like myself again. i think that i spun off my center in the past couple of weeks with everything going on. i've been feeling empty, but with the music and dancing i'm feeling connected again.
i also really need to go outside, it looks so beautiful, and i haven't been in a while; at least not in a way that i was able to appreciate.

today is new year's eve, and we're not doing anything special. but i find it fun to think a little about the past year, and about the one to come. the past year already seems like a blur. i can't think of any specifics, but generally i have a very good feeling about it. i've enjoyed being home with the kids, and i have to say that not for a second did i regret my decision to quit my job. that much is clear.

something else i feel when thinking about the past year (and i guess about the past in general) is a certain richness. richness in terms of what i've experienced, what life brought me across.

in thinking of the future, of the coming year, i can't say that i have any particular goals or aspirations. i really think that i'll be content to just be doing what i've been doing so far. nothing stands out as something to accomplish. unless you count getting through each day with some kind of grace and awareness...
even though my days are more or less the same when seen from a certain perspective, at the same time, they contain such a multitude of experience, especially if you think of how different the experice of each season, each day, each mood, etc. can be. so my hope is to be there for that, to be awake through each changing moment and to accept, ot even welcome, whatever experience it brings me.


speaking about experience - i've been asking myself, how can i welcome difficult experiences? and i'm not necessarily referring to dealing with some personal problem; sometimes relating to other people's suffering, past or present, can also be very painful. this happened recently when i read the book "black elk speaks". i wanted very much to keep reading it, yet at the same time, each time i did, i felt so sad and depressed, and even angry, that it took me a while to come out of it and be effective in my daily activities again.

i think that this happens to many people, especially as we're all constantly exposed to so much violence and suffering through the media. so one question that came up at one of our women's circle was "how do we deal with this onslaught of suffering and destruction we see, hear, read about, etc., and still maintain our sensitivity and compassion?". one friend had a suggestion which i find very useful.

in essence, what she said is that she lets in only as much bad news as will alow her heart to open a little wider; only that much, and no more. so for example, if you're sitting in front of the TV and you're listening to how people are suffering because of war, natural disaster, ignorance, and on and on, are you just sitting there totally detached, not letting any of it touch you? or are you so overwhelmed with grief that you feel despondent? (this is usually me). what my friend is saying is that it's up to you to figure out when you had enough. so that you can still feel some compassion, and still be able to take some kind of positive action, instead of feeling numb, detached, powerless, or anything along those lines.

i think i'll end this here and go for a walk.
Happy New Year and Peace!

post-christmas

sena's party was really fun on Sunday. she and aiyana enjoyed being with their friends and grandparents, and i liked cooking and preparing for it. i wish i had a little more time to sit and talk, but the time went by really fast...it was fun though.
then we had 2 Christmas get-together which were a little overwhelming esp. for aiyana who cried pretty hard last night, being over-stimulated and tired. yesterday morning, we had a quiet get-together at ed's parents' house, and that was very nice.

one of my favorite moments of the past few days was yesterday morning, when i left the house by myself for half hour. i needed to clear my head, so i went to eagleville dam. while driving there, i didn't see anyone else on the roads - everything seemed deserted. no people on the street, barely any cars, and the stores all closed. usually i don't like that, but yesterday it felt nice. i felt like i was all alone in the world, but not lonely; i felt like this way it was easier to notice things like the trees, the wind, the sound of the rushing water at eagleville dam.

peace

Happy Birthday Sena!

the girls and i had a great time decorating this little christmas tree. they made the decorations with grandma, using pinecones, sparkles, cardboard and glue. we all love the tree and hope it will survive and grow for years to come...

this time of year

busy time of year. and i (mostly) love it!
yesterday was winter solstice. celebrating the return of the light. i thought about it all day, what it really means to celebrate that in my outer and inner life. such a beautiful, quiet celebration. i had a candle burning all evening, welcoming the light.

tomorrow is sena's birthday! she'll be 4 years old. wow, i'm just about blown away by that. repeating what was already said to me so many times: where has the time gone?
well, it's definitely been an amazing, rich, fulfilling, beautiful 4 years of my life. i can't write about this w/o getting emotional...
i feel like it's been a true blessing, a real gift to be able to share in someone else's life and to be able to get as close to a person as i have with sena and aiyana.

tomorrow we have a party, and sena's been soooo excited about it for the past month. she's been keeping track of how much time left till the day, and she's been planning it to the last detail. her vision of the party was quite different that what i would've envisioned, to put it mildly, but it's been really fun to honor hers and go along with it. we made invitations, at her request, and we invited the people she wanted, so many of them that there's no way they'll all fit into our house, so i'm really hoping that some won't show...

she was very specific as to how the house had to be decorated for the party. don't know where she got this, but just to put it in perspective, our house is really low key - all our furniture is second hand, non-matching, and everything is just very simple. well, sena insisted that she had to have really flashy, sparkly, big decorations; banners saying "happy birthday", pink and gold streamers, that kind of thing. grandma helped with this part - she bought the required materials, and came over to decorate with the girls a few days ago. i went out grocery shopping, and when i got back, sena and aiyana were very proud of the job they had done, and showed me everything. it was fun, and our living room now looks very festive.

here's a little story:
the other day, sena was reading to aiyana. it was a book i had read to them a couple of times before, so sena had it memorized. now, she was reading it to her little sister, which means she was reciting it from memory. i was in the kitchen making breakfast. in the book, there's a tiny sheep who has a crow for her best friend. at one point in the story, the tiny sheep gets on to the crow's back, and as they're about to take off in flight, the crow says to the sheep: "hold on to your hooves". when sena got to this part of the book, i heard her say to aiyana very seriously: "hold on to your boobs!".
they were both really into the story, and when they heard me crack up in the kitchen, they looked up from the book, surprised, and sena said "what?". i explained that it was hooves, not boobs, but they still didn't think it was that funny, but they laughed a little anyway, just to keep me company...

yesterday, the girls and i decided to go tracking at a pond near our house. we've all been into animal tracking since i strted to read "the tracker" by Tom Brown. ed's pretty good at it, he can go into the woods and follow deer around, and tell you what they've been doing, where they're feeding, etc. the other day, he showed us some coyote tracks (very close to our chicken coup, hmmm....), which was really cool (not for the chickens, though).
yesterday, we were reading about beavers and otters and racoons, and sena said that we should go by a pond and see if we could find any tracks. so we did. or at least tried to. our outing didn't turn out to be exactly what i expected (which i should've known by now...)
the main problem was that the snow was way too deep to be able to walk around or even get near the pond without considerable difficulty. the three of us kept sinking in, and aiyana especially, was getting upset about it. she'd sink in up to her knees, then she'd lose her balance and fall, or her boot would get stuck in the snow and her foot would come out of it bare, etc, etc. it wasn't fun. we barely walked 50meters, and we had all had enough. or rather, i had had enough. it had been a tough morning with aiyana being unusually cranky and whiney, and i thought that going out was going to calm us down, but it really didn't turn out that way. so we just walked to this point where we could look over the pond, and the view was really pretty, so we enjoyed that. we did see some deer tracks, and some dog tracks, and we decided that was enough. there was a small park nearby, and the kids wanted to play in the swings even though they were all snowed in, so we did that for a while before heading back to our car. it wasn't exactly what i planned, but it was nice to be out anyway.
i'm glad that sena and aiyana are interested in animals, bc it gives me the opportunity to learn along with them from books and out in the woods. and i find it really fun.

so it's going to be a busy few days with sena's birthday tomorrow and then family Christmas parties.
christmas brings up mixed feelings for me. i love this time of year, i love the season, the snow, all that. i also like the spirit of christmas, the giving, the gathering. unfortunately, i find that the giving gets totally out of hand and loses most of its meaning; people get obsessed with shopping, and there's so much stuff being wasted.
also, although i feel a real need to be with people at this time of year, christmas parties usually leave me feeling lonely and a little sad. i think it's because i expect to feel connected to people when getting together, but somehow i can't get myself into the superficial chit-chat that dominates these gatherings. i hate to sound like i'm so deep or something, and i really don't want to say that i'm better than anyone or anything like that. i'm just trying to honestly express my feelings.

i'm having a hard time finding meaningful connection to people at christmas parties, and maybe i'm looking in the wrong place, but i get sad because i always hope for that. so what's meaningful connection? and how do you establish meaningful connection? i don't think it has to be through 'deep' conversation. i think anything can become meaningful: a good laugh over some little thing, anything we choose to share openly and authentically.
i think that for me, what makes things meaningful is more how we share them, not what we share. so if you're telling a story, for example, sharing some little incident in your life, how are you sharing it? is it coming from an honest, open place within yourself, is it authentic? is your heart, or soul, or essence or whatever you want to call it, coming through? or are you simply speaking without awareness, repeating things you've taken on superficially? it's hard to express exactly what i mean...

but i do yearn for authenticity. and if that doesn't happen at christmas parties, i'm lucky enough to have people in my life that are authentic and fill me with joy at many other times of year. and of course, kids are always authentic.

i think i wrote enough, so i'll end it here, wishing everyone lots of fun.
peace

some quotes from "black elk speaks"

"You have noticed that the truth comes into this world with two faces. One is sad with suffering, and the other laughs; but it's the same face, laughing or weeping."

"It is hard to follow one great vision in this world of darkness and of many changing shadows. Among these shadows men get lost."

"...for nothing can live well except in a manner suited to the way the Power of the World lives and moves to do its work."

eagleville dam

more recent wintery pictures

on monday everything was covered in ice. these pictures are from the field in front of our house.



on tuesday morning, i walked outside, and this scene stunned me with its beauty. everything was once again covered in ice, and the sun was shining brightly; it really felt otherworldly beautiful. i didn't think i could take it all in, so i just had to pause for a moment and let it flow through me. this picture is nothing compared to the real scene...

here's one tree i've really come to love since we've lived here. i have pics of it in just about any season, lighting, etc. this one is covered in ice.

and here's the same tree at night, after thursdays's winterstorm

peace

winter hike

on saturday morning i went for a hike in the woods by the fenton river. it had snowed the night before, so everything was covered in fresh white snow. i was alone in what seemed like a magical land. i walked around for a while, and took breaks to sit and listen to the birds and the river. the sun was shining and the snow was sparkling. the river was partly covered with snow, but i could see the water moving and gurgling underneath. by the time i walked back to the car, the snow was melting off the trees, and the way the sun reflected off the water droplets, it made little rainbows everywhere. i felt so happy! this came as a great relief, because earlier that morning i was reading this beautiful but heart-breaking book, "black elk speaks", that left me feeling sad and empty... (but i strongly recommend it anyway).
anyway, here are some pictures from the hike:

sena's latest

sena told ed a few days ago that she does not like boys. so he asked her why, and she said that, well...they just don't have the right clothes...
i don't know when or how she concluded this, she gave no indication that she was looking or anything. so much for looking beyond appearances...

the other side

i lie down with my children
and through closed eyes i see
an open door.

on this side of the door
is everything you've taught me
about myself and this world;
on this side of the door -
35 years of conditioning.

the other side is open
onto the clear blue sky,
boundless, unknown...

into this great blue void, i leap-
no fear.
no hesitation.

only this realization:
that it's me who's jumping,
and the openness i fly into,
that's also me.
there's nowhere else to go.

sena's line

one night, we're lying in bed just before falling asleep at night, when sena turns over to face me and says: "mom, when you die, i want to be there to watch you and hold your hand".

i don't think i'm exagerating when i say that by saying that she removed a considerable amount of fear from me, fear i didn't even know i had until then.

lyrics to Bachelorette (Bjork)

(feels good to re-read this...)

I'm a fountain of blood
In the shape of a girl
You're the bird on the brim
Hypnotised by the Whirl

Drink me, make me feel real
Wet your beak in the stream
Game we're playing is life
Love is a two way dream

Leave me now, return tonight
Tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay

I'm a path of cinders
Burning under your feet
You're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street

I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near

Leave me now, return tonight
The tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay

I'm a tree that grows hearts
One for each that you take
You're the intruder hand
I'm the branch that you break

sunset in front of our house

about Winter Solstice

i read this passage early this morning in my we'moon calendar. it's about Winter Solstice, which is coming up on dec 22nd. Winter Solstice marks the longest night of the year:

"it is out of the darkness that flowers eventually emerge, babies are born, and inspiration for poetry and ideas is nurtured on the page and through our voices. surrender to your dreaming and celebrate the dark where your inner life is honored and nurtured. re-light your inner light. what dreams do you carry inside? what are you visioning or hoping for?"

i love this because it speaks to something that's already alive inside of me. (and we all know that i don't need any encouragement to surrender to my dreaming).
i love the darkness at this time of year, i love how it invites me to draw inwards. i roam the woods in search of a cave, and i know that a deeper part of me is seeking shelter and privacy for renewal. for honoring what's here now and what is still to come. although i feel my energy subdued at this time of year, i can feel things bubbling just under the surface, things that may or may not manifest - it's partly up to me. i love the possibilities. a physicist speaking in "what the bleep do we know" made the point that instead of thinking of reality as a fixed something outside of ourselves, we should rather view it as possibilities of consciousness. this is not new, but i like how it's stated, and find it very exciting.

so...happy dreaming, and happy roaming.
peace

more recent pics

a day with sena

this morning i was supposed to go and have time to myself, but sena woke up with a fever and i knew i wouldn't go. i ended up spending the day with her, and it was very mellow, and so far we had a good time. ed took aiyana most of the day, except at nap time.

sena and i decided to go out for a while in the afternoon, so we came to UConn. sena likes to go to the student-filled cafe, and i thopught i'd get to use the computer. sena had a bagle at the cafe, and i told her about when i used to come here by myself 4years ago, pregnant with her and trying to finist my anthropology master thesis. she didn't remember this.

i was hoping to go into the woods by myself this morning, but i'll have to do that another time. for some reason, at this time of the year, i feel incredibly drawn to the woods. i feel this underlying sense of longing or sadness (in a soft kind of way that still allows me to have joy), and when i'm in the woods i feel soothed and relieved to some degree.

have to go now, but will post more soon...
peace