food from the garden

ed and shandra (our neighbor) started a garden this past spring. they planted a bunch of veges and put an 8ft-tall fence all around to keep the deer, groundhog, chickens, and anyone else who may have wanted to come in, out.

the garden has done really well, and as a result we've been eating some amazing food. i can't tell you how good it feels to cook and eat veges we just pulled out of the ground: onions, summer squash, beans, peas, parsley, etc.

there's something magical in seeing a perfect squash, for example, that sprung out of dirt and seeds - out of nothing it seems. my body is very grateful for it too. i can definitely see the connection between what i eat and how i feel right now. i've been feeling so great over the past few weeks, healthy and energetic, and i really think it has a lot to do with what i've been eating.

the other day i made a kick-ass curry with all kinds of veges from the garden; then i made some pesto that i eat as a snack on crackers or whatever; we've also been eating all kinds of berries, some of which grow all around our house.

i never realized how much fun having a garden and growing your own food can be! not to mention cheap...we've been saving quite a bit over the past few weeks.

so i am especially grateful to ed and shandra for all their work in growing this beautiful food!

happy eating!
yum!

god

i think that god must be lonely. how could she not be, knowing everything she does, seeig throught this foolishnes that keeps the rest of us blind?
but, of course, god must be beyond loneliness. although, i admit i can't imagine what that's like, being beyond loneliness, being complete onto oneself.

i imagine god as an incredibly creative, and playful being. maybe that's why it feel so good when we're like that too.

when it comes to love, i think god is at her most extravagant. i think she invented all these different kinds of love, she made everything possible, just for the fun of it. i have a feeling that she really likes the bittersweet part of love; the longing, the yearning; the stuff that we keep trying to straighten out within ourselves but never quite seem to be able to.

when it comes to love, she made pain, beauty, intimacy and separation come together; and we're so silly, we keep trying to untangle them, wishing for only some, not the others. not realizing that if you take some away, the whole thing will fall apart.

god put her most precious stuff into the most minute, most accessible and most easily overlooked details of our lives. just for the fun of it. just to see how long it would take us to discover what's been right here all along.

she put her best stuff into the dirt of our existence, to see how long it would take before we stop trampling all over it in our blind search for something else.

god put her best stuff into things like: fireflies; flowers; clouds; rivers; children's smiles; tears; a blade of grass; the sound of a heartbeat; each breath we take.

god is a small white caterpillar crawling on a luscious, green leaf. i could tell as soon as i saw her.

at the beach

last week, my sister and i loaded the kids in the car and headed to the beach. we left on wednesday morning and came back thursday afternoon. we stayed with ed's mom, in her comfortable (yet spotless) house; aiyana peed in bed that night, something she never does at home, and i was pretty mortified...but, oh well, i guess that's what exhaustion and drinking a lot of water will do....

the weather wasn't what you'd normally associate with beach going. on wednesday, it was foggy and rained all day. it was still warm though.
so what do you do when it's a rainy day at the beach? you jump into the ocean, of course. then the rain won't matter. that's what we did, anyway, and it was kind of nice.we had the whole beach to ourselves, and the waves were big, and the kids were crazy jumping in while clinging to us with all their might. we all got drenched down to our underware, and it made no difference that we were wearing our raincoats. if it weren't for the kids and their energy, we probably would've had a miserable time in the rain; but fortunately, their enthusiasm and their capacity for having fun is so great that it swept us right along into their experience.

on wed night, my sister and i went to the beach again, and we only brought julia w us. my kids stayed home with ed's mom. something about being on the beach on a foggy evening made me feel very peaceful. i sat on the wet sand next to my sister, and just looked out to the ocean. the mist made it hard to see very far, and big waves were crashing on the shore in front of us; it looked as if they were coming out of nowhere. there was a quality of the unkown all around me, and it felt soothing and very natural.

the next morning was clear early on, but the mist returned, so that by the time we made it to the beach, the visibility was pretty low. but at least it wasn't raining. the beach was packed this time, but we found a spot for our towel, and spent a couple of hours playing in the water and in the sand. the kids were loving the waves, and were getting bold, going out farther and farther until a wave would crash over them and then they'd run back screaming.

while we were jumping in the waves, i noticed a couple standing in the water not too far from us. they were elderly, maybe in their 60's or 70's. they didn't look too healthy - both were very overweight, esp. the woman, so that they were having a hard time moving around; the man seemed to have something else going on, he was walking kind of stooped over; his teeth were very yellow. they stood in the water holding hands as the waves crashed over them. what attracted me to them was their smiles. only children smile like that.

this couple seemed to be in their own world, their faces shining with joy at the simple pleasure of being in the water. they were holding on to each other for dear life, and seemed oblivious to everything (their physical difficulties, other people, etc.), except their immediate experience. i was moved looking at them; they looked silly, maybe, but they just seemed so open and vulnerable standing there holding on to each other with those silly grins on their faces. i felt more connected to them at that moment than to anyone else around me.

when they came out of the water, still holding hands, they smiled at me and i told them that they looked really cute. what i really wanted to say is "thank you for giving me this memory", but i thoughht that would be too weird, so i settled for something more tame and lame, and a smile.

peace

more recent pics

ed, sena and aiyana, sharing some black raspberries they picked (this picture was taken in the evening; i love the quality of the light as the sun begins to set over the field in front of our house);
sena, preparing for her big jump,
and finally doing it;
and the last picture is of joyce's beautiful hybiscus.

our trip to the beach

these were in Rhode Island, last week:
joyce (ed's mom), roxi and the girls, soaked by rain and playing in the ocean;
julia, playing on the beach in the evening;
aiyana enjoying the heat of the sand;
and,
roxi with julia.

the new pill

my sister sent me an article about a new birth control pill approved by the FDA (called Lybrel i think), which will supress women's periods. so you know what i'll say about that, right? i am very predictable that way, or maybe i should say reliable in my responses, that sounds better.

i think it's crazy!
women have periods because...we're women. it's that simple. don't let some marketing man or woman persuade you that your period is too painful, inconvenient, smelly, disgusting or any of that. your period is part of who you are, a healthy, beautiful, woman.

maybe next time i have my period, i'll dress all in red, blood red from head to toe. i'm tired of apologizing for my body.

that's my take. i have very little respect for the US medical establishment and pharmaceutical industry (with some exception, like ER and trauma treatment).

i'd better stay off this topic, it brings out too much anger in me, and you can't be too wound up if you want to be credible, right?
whatever...

more whitman

Not Heaving From My Ribb'd Breast Only
by Walt Whitman


NOT heaving from my ribb'd breast only;
Not in sighs at night, in rage, dissatisfied with myself;
Not in those long-drawn, ill-supprest sighs;
Not in many an oath and promise broken;
Not in my wilful and savage soul's volition;
Not in the subtle nourishment of the air;
Not in this beating and pounding at my temples and wrists;
Not in the curious systole and diastole within, which will one day
cease;
Not in many a hungry wish, told to the skies only;
Not in cries, laughter, defiances, thrown from me when alone, far in
the wilds; 10
Not in husky pantings through clench'd teeth;
Not in sounded and resounded words--chattering words, echoes, dead
words;
Not in the murmurs of my dreams while I sleep,
Nor the other murmurs of these incredible dreams of every day;
Nor in the limbs and senses of my body, that take you and dismiss you
continually--Not there;
Not in any or all of them, O adhesiveness! O pulse of my life!
Need I that you exist and show yourself, any more than in these
songs.

saturday morning

last saturday, i had a interesting and almost scary experience.

i went to the cafe in the morning, for my two hours alone. as usual, i sat and drank my coffee and read. i'm still not sure what it was, probably a combination of coffee, excellent reading (whitman's Leaves of Grass and osho's The Book of Secrets), a gorgeous day, and me feeling particularly vulnerable and open; but when the time came for me to leave and go home, i felt very strange and otherwordly; i felt on the verge of something; like i was either about to fall down or take off in flight.

i didn't care in the least what would happen to me, i just felt light and extatic. you know that story you heard about the guy who's high on some drug and feels that he can fly and ends up jumping from a window. i felt like that, but no window to jump from. i just felt that light and unbounded.

when i got home, ed and the kids were gone. they were out picking blueberries. so i lay on the couch and just closed my eyes. my body was so light, that i felt disconnected form it, in a good way. i thought, when i am like this, nothing can hurt me. how can anything hurt me when everything is part of me and i am part of it?

matt showed up with a coffee, but i told him i had had enough for the day. i tried to describe to him how i felt, almost excusing myself for it bc i thought it may have seemed weird. he left, and i was relieved to be alone again.

i decided that i needed to ground myself back into my body somehow. so i put on some music. some putumayo world stuff. it was perfect. still with my eyes closed, i let my body move. i felt like the music was carrying me, and the movement was effortless. i though - this is what dancing is, i've never experienced it like this before. i could feel my bare feet touching the floor, and a soft breeze from outside wash over me. i was finally grounding back into my body, and it was nice. after some time, i felt less light headed and more physically present; but my dancing also lost its effortlessness, and now i was trying to control the movement.

eventually i came back to "normal" enough to start thinking of doing laundry and other stuff around the house. but i found myself exhausted. it made me think of what i read about trance. how the person who goes into trance is so intensely involved in their experience that at the end they fall down unconscious. my experience certaily did not go to that extent, but whatever it was, i felt that it left me physically and emotionally drained. if i had the choice, i would've gone into a deep sleep. but i knew that ed and the kids would soon be home, and they were (with lots of delicious blueberries, mmmm).

i thought about this experience over the following days. i found that other that its memory, and maybe a little more openness, it hasn't left me much. oh, except for this, which i wrote as i was going through it:

when i am blown away like this,
i feel like i am dying.
my body limp, my insides ravaged, free,
flying away.

i need to speak, but i cannot
express all that i feel.
i reach out clumsy, groping
i need to tell you about this,
to show you how i feel.

i feel more connected to everything,
and more alone than ever.

i close my eyes
and let whatever be.
i need connection, understanding,
some form of confirmation.

in opening my eyes,
first thing i see:
leaves on the old apple tree,
outside the window.

they, i know, do understand me,
blowing there in the wind,
i see them and finally feel
....relief.

walt whitman

i read this to myself out loud. it blew me away. made me want to dance and kiss everyone, scream be crazy:

To You
By Walt Whitman
1819-1892

Whoever you are, I fear you are walking the walks of dreams,
I fear these supposed realities are to melt from under your feet and hands,
Even now your features, joys, speech, house, trade, manners,
troubles, follies, costume, crimes, dissipate away from you,
Your true soul and body appear before me.
They stand forth out of affairs, out of commerce, shops, work,
farms, clothes, the house, buying, selling, eating, drinking,
suffering, dying.

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem,
I whisper with my lips close to your ear.
I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.

O I have been dilatory and dumb,
I should have made my way straight to you long ago,
I should have blabb'd nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing
but you.

I will leave all and come and make the hymns of you,
None has understood you, but I understand you,
None has done justice to you, you have not done justice to yourself,
None but has found you imperfect, I only find no imperfection in you,
None but would subordinate you, I only am he who will never consent
to subordinate you,
I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, God,
beyond what waits intrinsically in yourself.

Painters have painted their swarming groups and the centre-figure of all,
From the head of the centre-figure spreading a nimbus of gold-color'd light,
But I paint myriads of heads, but paint no head without its nimbus
of gold-color'd light,
From my hand from the brain of every man and woman it streams,
effulgently flowing forever.

O I could sing such grandeurs and glories about you!
You have not known what you are, you have slumber'd upon yourself
all your life,
Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,
What you have done returns already in mockeries,
(Your thrift, knowledge, prayers, if they do not return in
mockeries, what is their return?)

The mockeries are not you,
Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,
I pursue you where none else has pursued you,
Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the
accustom'd routine, if these conceal you from others or from
yourself, they do not conceal you from me,
The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these
balk others they do not balk me,
The pert apparel, the deform'd attitude, drunkenness, greed,
premature death, all these I part aside.

There is no endowment in man or woman that is not tallied in you,
There is no virtue, no beauty in man or woman, but as good is in you,
No pluck, no endurance in others, but as good is in you,
No pleasure waiting for others, but an equal pleasure waits for you.

As for me, I give nothing to any one except I give the like carefully
to you,
I sing the songs of the glory of none, not God, sooner than I sing
the songs of the glory of you.

Whoever you are! claim your own at any hazard!
These shows of the East and West are tame compared to you,
These immense meadows, these interminable rivers, you are immense
and interminable as they,
These furies, elements, storms, motions of Nature, throes of apparent
dissolution, you are he or she who is master or mistress over them,
Master or mistress in your own right over Nature, elements, pain,
passion, dissolution.

The hopples fall from your ankles, you find an unfailing sufficiency,
Old or young, male or female, rude, low, rejected by the rest,
whatever you are promulges itself,
Through birth, life, death, burial, the means are provided, nothing
is scanted,
Through angers, losses, ambition, ignorance, ennui, what you are
picks its way.

books

lately, i've been trying to stay away from books that tell me how to do things: how to do yoga, how to paint, how to be healthy, how to be happy, etc., because they often make me feel stifled. they literaly make it me feel out of breath, maybe bc i'm putting so much pressure on myself to conform to the "ideal" they present. often, these kinds of books describe their particular way of doing / being and something inside me rebels, knowing that there's more to life that that.

but,
yesterday i saw this book at thomasyn's house, a book i had heard and read about. it's called "writing down the bones", by natalie goldberg. it's abut writing. i borrowed it and have been reading it and have to say that it's not making me feel bad at all. i actually find it very inspiring and refreshing. she has a very generous, open perspective on writng, and she passes no judgements. i feel that more that telling you how to write or what "good" writing is, she just talks about her experience, about how her life and writing draw on each other. so far, much of what she writes, and also how she writes, resonates with me. so i find myself inspired and empowered by her book, rather than passing judgements on myself and comparing myself to someone i'm not. her writing is simple and, i guess i'd call it universal, in the sense that it applies to antyhing, any endeavor one may chose to pursue, not only
writing. so if you're moved by this in any way, i definitely recommend checking out her book.

my 3 hours

i'm feeling really good right now. my sister has my kids and i have 3 hrs to myself. it's gorgeous outside, and i'm having chocolate and coffee. i have my books, my journal and my laptop. i can go hiking if i want or i can just sit here at the cafe doing nothing. i love it. i have to admit that scarcity of time is very good for me, in the sense that it makes my time alone so precious. whatever i end up doing, it could be the most trivial thing, i end up enjoying it so much and my time is always so sweet....

so my sister and i started this thing, where i take her daughter Julia on mondays, and she takes my kids on thursdays. i'm watching julia bc my sister is going to be returning to work in september, so she will need one day of care per week, so i offered to do it; and she, in return takes my kids one day, so i get a break. i like this arrangement a lot - hopefuly it will work out really well for everyone.

i love doing these things where we help each other - it's the feeling of community i always longed for. yesterday for example, a bunch of us went over to my friend's thomasyn's house and helped her paint her house. we were about 6 women total, all with kids. we had one or two women watching the kids and the rest of us painted. everyone brought some food, so we had a feast for lunch; the kids had fun, and thomasyn got a lot more done than if she were working alone. we want to take turns doing this for whoever needs to get something done. it just feels so good to help and be helped, and working together is usually a lot more fun than being alone and trying to get things done with the kids crying for attention. painting yeterday kind of inspired me to maybe do something in my bedroom. i was thinking of painting one or two walls a rich warm shade of orangish-brown, and the rest a bright shade of vanilla. i think those colors would make me feel good. i've been really drawn to shades of brown, deep red, maroon, all of that. so maybe i'll do something with my room now that i'm inspired.

my garden, by the way, is doing amazing. wow, the flowers really took off with the combination of heat and rain we've had. unfortunately the herbs and some of the flowers got eaten by my friend the groundhog. i was a little disappointed - the basil was doing so well, and i was really looking fwd to some pesto; the sunflowers were growing well too but all of them got chomped the cosmos. but i can't blame the groundhog, it was too tempting for him, so at least i hope he got to enjoy whatever he ate. i'm still grateful for the flowers he did leave, the petunias, zinias, and others whose name i do not know. they're blooming very beautifuly just now.

speaking of being grateful, i want to share this little thing with you.
the kids, ed and i, got into doing this little ritual around meal time. we don't do it every day, only when someone feels inspired to suggest it. usually one of the kids will start. so we all hold hands and take turns saying something that we're grateful for. usually it's really small things, immediate things, close to our everyday experience; so i'll say, for example, that i'm grateful for a walk we had during the day, or about the fireflies in the field at night, or about the kale we just picked from the garden; sena usually says she's grateful for some item of food we're eating, like peas or berries; aiyana invariably says someone's name when her turn comes - like she'll say mama, dada or grapka, which stands for any one of the 4 grandparents; and ed is usually grateful for some moment of peace and quiet that happened during the day. i really like doing this for many reasons; one of the main reasons being that even when things are crappy between us, and we're in a negative or stressed out frame of mind, saying what we're grateful for turns things around, leaving us in a happier place.

most people think that this is a religious practice, and i want to say that it's not. i guess it can be, but we're not doing it like that. we just do it when we feel moved to, because it makes us feel more connected to each other, and because it brings the blissful parts of our lives to the forefront.

so it's getting a little busy at the cafe. i feel like hanging out by the river for a while, so i'll head over there. got some walt whitman with me, can't wait to read it.

peace

i had a pretty hard weekend, mostly due to lack of sleep. aiyana's going through some developmental changes (i am told) and she is really needy at night, so if i get 2hrs of straight sleep i consider myself lucky. this has been going on for about a week now, and it hit me the hardest on the weekend. just felt groggy and lacking energy and hot and hungry. i also felt like i just couldn't keep up with all the stuff that needed to be done: cooking, laundry, all of that. i hate to have to go out and eat bc there's no cooked food at home, but this weekend i was going to do it had i had more energy.

this morning i woke up feeling so much better though... totally new perspective after getting a little more rest last night. cooked a nice breakfast, then Matt, my coffee angel and neighbor, brought over a cup, so i knew i was in for a good morning.
we'll see what the rest of the week looks like...

peace

4th of july pictures

some thoughts i had this morning

lately, i find my thinking falls almost in 2 distinct categories: linear, and non-linear. the linear is what i do most of the time, to conduct my day-to-day life. it's mostly logical. the non-linear comes at unexpected moments, like when i'm driving the car and a thought comes out of nowhere catching me by surprise. the non-linear is a lot more fun for me. it's also easily forgotten. one minute, i'll have a thought that seems to be a real insight, making all kinds of things fall together in a fresh way, giving me a new understanding; i'm thinking it, and will myself to remember it; yet, unless i write it down, which i seldom do, i promptly forget it. which always makes me feel like...what a shame!

i also have these non-linear thoughts just before i fall asleep, or just after i wake up. that's when they mostly occur, in that liminal time, when things seem suspended between sleep and wakefulness. i love those times.

this morning, for example, i was just lying in bed trying not to move and wake up the kids. i was enjoying being the only one awake to the the peace and silence of the morning, when out of nowhere it occured to me that education, as i've known it, is mostly a form of social control. i realized that that is its primary goal, and any learning that takes place is just a by-product, accidental if at all. drawing on my own experience, i lay there and asked myself some questions: what was the point of all those years school i've gone through? knowing the huge capacity for learning and creativity that children have, it's obvious to me that i could've learnt everything i did in my early years of school much faster that i actually did, had i been placed in an environment that provided adequate resources, such as a caring person and a minimum of materials. instead, what i mostly learned in school was how to find my place in the hyerarchy of teachers and classmates. i know a lot of people that will say that school, esp. in the early years, is important for providing social skills to children. but how have the social skills that i learnt from my experience served me in my adult years? i can't say that they didn't serve me at all, but it's clear to me now that in trying to be a caring, compassionate woman with a healthy sense of self, i've had to try very hard and discard most of my social conditioning from school (which mostly taught me the values of competition, ambition, comparing myself to others, etc.).

my university education did prove useful, in that it prepared me for a job. but i don't really consider that lerning. it's just aquiring skills for a job. i alo don't think that it required as long as it took to get my engineering degree. most of the stuff i learnt in my batchelors', i never used in the workplace, and i forgot it by now. i am convinced that my job as an "aerospace angineer" (which sounded so impressive to most people) only required a few months of on-the-job training, not an elaborate degree. i guess engineering school did teach me how to think logically through a problem, which is an important skill that i apply throughout my life (believe it or not) not only in my job.

what i'm trying to say, and it's not coming out very well, is that schooling is more about molding kids in ways that they best fit into the fabric of society, as opposed to supporting their growth as creative, unique individuals.

the best use for school i can see right now is as a springboard for further exploration. this is how i used my anthropology degree, and that's why i enjoyed it the most. i loved the material that i came accross while studying anthro, but with time i also came to realize that the limitations present in other studies apply here as well; they are inherent to the institution of formal education. i realized that if i wanted to make anthro my career, or even if i wanted to pursue a PhD, i would have to shape my ideas and interests to fit into what is considered acceptable in academia. i'd have to study and publish topics that receive funding, and that is key. i'd have to find a way to fit into the academic hyerarchy of TA's, professors, researchers, etc.

once i'd had a taste of anthro and discovered that i really liked it, i decided that the best way to learn more is on my own, maybe with the support of a handful of gifted people. of course i also had my children around the time that these thoughts were going through my head, so quitting academics became a necessity rather than an option.

all this to say what? to say that when i see how gifted and amazing kids are (in terms of who they are, their views and their responses to life,their creativity, etc.), it makes me cringe to think of sending them to school. i can see a lot of people responding to this by labeling me crazy, or whatever. but it's how i feel, based on my own experience. i don't know what the best thing to do is, and fortunately i still have a few years before having to decide in regards to my own kids. ideally, i'd love to be able to support them in pursuing that which they're most drawn to. i'd love to be a resource that they can count on and draw upon, and i'd love to be able to find other resources as well, whether they be formal classes, people in the community, special programs, travelling, or whatever. life is so full of opportunities for learning and for fun! i'm also very drawn to the idea of learning and exploring alongside my kids and their friends. already, it's so much fun for me when we paint, when we go check out the fireflies in the field at night, or when we discover a city together. there's no question for me that the best learning i've done so far has been in real life situations along people who cared about me.

i guess i've said enough about this, and i realize that i've said nothing much. I haven’t even asked , regarding education, “what is the relative value of learning vs making money?”
i’ve only written a few disjointed thoughts. but i will stop here anyway.

peace

sena's latest line

this morning, first thing, in bed:
"mom, you look like the woof. the woof in little red ridinghood. your eyes are so big....".

maybe we had a fisheye effect going, we were lying really close to each other, face to face. otherwise i don't know what prompted this comment....

enjoy this beautiful day.
love

and more pics

delicious strawberries we picked;
sena having fun;
aiyana in the grass

pics

bathtime;
playing by the chicken coop;
and me with julia and aiyana at a party.

some sena lines

one morning, sena opened her eyes, looked at me lying next to her and asked with a look of concern on her face:
mama, when i grow up, will you stll be alive?
i answered that i hope so,
after which her face relaxed, she broke into a smile, said "good" and started sucking her thumb...

later that day, she was telling me about an episode at grandma's house, when aiyana would not eat any food, and was ignoring all of grandma's coaxing efforts. sena said, in a very non-judgmental tone, "i guess she had attitude, attitude, attitude". that explained everything.

my morning

this morning i had my weekly 2 hrs to myself. i walked out the door with sena screaming for me not to go. that was really hard. i can't bear to leave her like that. but staying and talking to her only prolongs it and makes it harder for everyone. and ed tells me that by the time i'm out of the driveway she's stopped crying anyway. so i guess this is the way to do it...

so i left the house somewhat shaken, and decided to go to the woods to get a little grounded. i went to one of my favorite spots, an out-of-the-way path by the river. there's nobody ever there, so i feel like it's my own secret spot.

i got there, parked the car, and took off my shoes. walking the path and feeling the cool earth under my feet already made me feel calmer. i didn't walk too far, just enough to be out of sight of the dirt road i had come from. the path is narrow and hugs the Fenton river as it twists through the woods. before long, i found a beautiful spot, where the sun was breaking through the trees. i stopped and sat down feeling myself warm up. my eyes had to adjust to the brightness reflecting off the river. all i heard around me were singing birds, the wind, and the river.

immersed in these surroundings, i felt myself calm down; i felt tension and hardness dissolve. slowly, i forgot about everything, and i felt my face relax into a slight smile. i felt protected and nourished.

i was only there for 15 min but it was enough for me to feel inspired to go on with the rest of my day, to welcome it, whatever it may look like. i gave a little thanks, walked back to where i had left my shoes, and drove to starbucks for a coffee, some breakfast, and some reading.

i came home after my 2 hrs feeling amazing. ed and the kids were not there yet (still at the park). i put on some music, and started dancing. had to express the energy i felt somehow...
i danced a couple of songs, took a shower, and then started cooking for a party we're going to this afternoon.

i'm at my sister's house right now, with my parents who drove from montreal.

a great day so far, and i hope yours is too

peace

an older picture

our friend Jaz took this picture at the end of the winter. i really like it.

things i'm grateful for (lately)

fireflies at night, lighting up the field in front of our house
and
picking strawberries with the kids (eating our fill too...)

crying

i like this quote: "if cats could talk, they wouldn't"

i've been feeling so raw lately. yesterday for example, went out to lunch w ed (kids were with the granparents), and there was this woman with a baby sitting in the corner, at a small table. i kept turning to look at the baby, and finally started talking to the woman. the baby was 9 months old and really sweet. big black eyes, very soft and open. i asked the woman if i could hold her, and she said yes. so i picked up the baby and she seemed to really like me. i held her for a couple of minutes and that whole time i felt an overwhelming urge to cry. the tears were right there, ready to start spilling down my cheeks, but i felt embarassed to let them do so. finally, i gave the baby back to her mother, turned to ed and walked away; still feeling an overwhelming urge to cry.

this has been happening quite a bit lately, and not just w babies. sometimes it's w animals, sometimes with trees. the other day i saw a tree chopped into pieces, and the image that came to mind right away was that of a body hacked to pieces. that made me sad.

the crying is not always, or even usually, sad though. it's just emotional. sometimes it happens bc i'm really happy, and sometimes bc whatever it is that i'm experiencing touches me. so i'd say that i feel it's a good thing, bc maybe i'm getting less guarded, more open, raw, or whetever it is that makes one experience things deeply.

peace

some quotes i like

quotes from June 2007 issue of The Sun (Sunbeams)

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." (Victor Hugo)

"One regret, dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough." (Hafiz)

and here are the lyrics to "save me" by susheela raman (off Love Trap, 2003)

sinking
caught up in a whirling motion
such a strange sensation
the current's uncertain
like sails of a mill i spin
like wheels i move in a circle
while you stand on the bank
immune or evasive
throw me a lifeline
save me

intimacy and affection frozen
in this game of chance
i forfeit
a full hand of love with no counter
like a moth
with no flame to persuade me
like blood in the rain
running thin
while you stand on the inside
looking in
save me
inside looking in
complete in yourself
throw me a lifeline
save me

this song speaks to a part of me that has been, so far, touched only through my dreams. it drew me in from the 1st time i heard it. the melody, like the lyrics, is soft and painfuly beautiful.

peace

sena and i

a few days ago, sena and i had some time by ourselves. it was unexpected. we were supposed to go to a friend's house and check out some nepalese jewelery, but that ended up being cancelled, and suddenly we found ourselves open to other possibilities. ed and aiyana had gone to johnnie's house to build a bench to put in front of the co-op. at first i thought i'd cook and clean, you know the usual, but then sena and i decided we were going to go out. i was hungry, and she wanted the special cookie that the man at the falafael place gives her as a treat, and i thought falafael sounded really good, so that's where we ended up going.

we shared a falafael and then sena had her cookie (this is a real treat for her), with tea and some baklava for myself. we sat at a small table and chatted the whole time. being with her is really almost like being with an adult. actually better in many ways. she's very intelligent, as most kids are, and i can talk to her about almost anything. what's even better is that she still has that openess and honesty, that fresh way of looking at things that we somehow lose as we grow older. so we talked about turkey and romania (there was a poster of turkey on the wall), and other things i can't quite remember. what i do remember is feeling totally relaxed, light and happy. it's quite different than being with both kids, not better or worse, just different, bc aiyana is still little and requires a different kind of attenion and supervision than sena does.

after the restaurant we drove to the plant store to get some more plants for our garden, but it was closed, so then we went home. i finished the dishes and cleaned up a little bit, really quick, and then sena and i got to hang out again. we took a shower together, to get the ticks off, and just for fun. earlier that day we had been out running through tall grass, so i was worried that we may have picked up ticks, but i didn't find any. sena's really good in the shower, she does everything herself, the only thing i need to do is adjust the water temp and flow. so we hung out in there for a while, and then we decided to get out, brush, and go read in bed. i wrapped her up in a big towel, and i was wrapped up in one too. she was standing on a stool as i dried my hair, and when i finished doing that i looked at her and everything just seemd so perfect. i wanted to express how i felt, in words, so i said something like: i love you so much, and i have so much fun being with you. and then she just looked at me and said in a real soft voice, i love you too, and i like being with you. she kind of leaned her head to the side, and everything was just so perfect and open, i don't think i've ever felt so close to anyone, so i started to cry, just a few tears, but i told her that i was crying bc i was so happy. and then she said that she felt like happy crying too, so we hugged. then we brushed our teeth and went to bed.

she picked out a few books, and we snuggled up and i read to her for a long time until my voice started cracking and getting hoarse. we turned out the light and she asked me to tell her a story from when i was young, like she does every night, so i did. she fell asleep, and i just lay there hugging her, and feeling so close. i was drifting into sleep as ed and aiyana pulled in the driveway.

i feel that we created such a beautiful memory that day. of course, i don't mean to imply that it's always so blissful being togehter. maybe one time i'll write about the times when i get really frustrated and she's screaming, etc. these things, the blissful and the not-so-blissful come together, of course. but you already know how that goes...

peace

flowers and bugs around the house

men staring

i hate it how i (sometimes) change when men look at me. this morning for example: i was tired from a night of bad, bad sleep (aiyana had gas from too many beans for dinner, my fault, so she ended up stirring and nursing all night long, hence no sleep for me, oh well..).

so anyway, we ended up going to Marge's (an outdoor cantine) for breakfast and there were 3 men sitting at the table next to us, and it was so obvious they were staring at me, i could just feel their eyes every time i turned away. so that's not a problem, sometimes i actually get flattered by it and i can return a smile, etc. i guess what bothers me is how i get so self-conscious about it; i fell like i (unwillingly) act different than usual, like i'm doing it for them. all of a sudden it's no longer my show, it's theirs, and i'm acting in it.

no big deal i guess, just something i'm becoming aware of. i must admit i don't like it when it affects me this way; don't know what i'm trying to say, nothing i guess, just sharing how i feel.

peace

more susheela raman

i just got susheela raman's 2nd album, which came out in 2003 or so. it's called "love trap", and it's really good, just like "music for crocodiles", which got me into her to begin with.
i love her voice, it's so smooth and soulful, and i guess you can say seductive. very beautiful - i recommend her music if you're in the mood for something mellow and different. i'm looking fwd to getting her 1st album sometime soon.

i think i know what she means

“..I imagined freedom from suffering meant I could manage life’s myriad challenges in a state of steady, unmediated bliss. As my practice deepened, I grew to understand that freedom is not about resting in sublime equanimity despite the suffering of loved ones and strangers.
Freedom is about the willingness to feel deeply.
Freedom is about the willingness to fall apart.
Freedom is about holding onto nothing.
And at the heart of that letting go, that dissolution, that surrender, you discover something sublime and unspeakably, heartbreakingly raw. Call it love. Call it compassion. Call it kindness. Call it redemption.”
-Nina Wise

(thank you Jennifer)

the crocus and the peony

would the crocus
prefer to be
a peony instead?

and would the nightingale
prefer to be
an owl?

i doubt it.

so why did i,
so arduously, for so long,
try to be someone i'm not?

i guess
it's part of being human.
and part of being woman
in a patriarchal, consummerist culture.
(and other, much more suddle reasons).

the crocus and the nightingale
put all their energy
into being who they are,
and in so doing
they are beautiful,
perfect.
they make it seem so easy.

i want to honor them,
so i decided
to flow my energy
to being, becoming, who i am.

but who is that?
the only way i know
to define myself -
through interraction, context,
and others' eyes.

does the crocus define herself
against its differences
with the peony?
i doubt it, but i will never know.

there must be more to this.
more to who i am
than the relfections i cast, by accident,
on forms outside myself.

so i believe,
that all there is to do,
is wait and witness,
no, more than that,
EXPERIENCE
the unfolding that is me.

experience it
patiently, effortlessly,
and delight,
just as the crocus does
in this short and exquisite
existence.

a poem i liked

i found this poem in my We/moon 07 book. i really like it, so i thought i'd share it:

I Will (by Marni Norwich, 2005)

listen, i've decided:
life it too precious to ponder
the petty details any longer
and to put it bluntly
i will not participate.
i will not be coming to the party.
i will not be returning the call.
i will not be anything to anyone.
i will stare at the gray sky till it is blue.
i will walk in the green fields and
smell the wildflowers.
i will imbibe this life the way
it was meant to be imbibed.
i will listen only to my body
and the black crows.
i will live by the true laws of the Land.
i will pick wild blackberries and pet cats.
i will write poems i share
only with the wind.
i will raise a child
on the edge of nowhere.
i will nourish her on magic and honey.
i will teach her
the language of fairies.
we will play in
the forest at twilight.
we will hurl all hardship
downhill to the sea.

little things

i started a garden. the digging was hard, but now i'm planting, which is the fun part. i'm thinking of doing flowers and herbs, try to create a nice space for sitting and relaxing...

there's a baltimore oriole building a nest right next to my bedroom window. i'm quietly watching the whole process, as she flies back and forth all day with little bits of this and that. the nest looks like a pouch so far, and soon i think it will be ready for her to lay eggs. i'm so happy that she chose this spot, and can't wait to see the babies.

yesterday we saw a turtle on the road. it was crossing, very slowly, and when we saw it, we turned around and ed got out of the car to pick it up. but he was too late. a truck came by going really fast, and it ran right over the turtle hurling it up in the air. ed picked it up afterwards, and it was still out of its shell, but not moving at all. he put it in a creek nearby. i don't know if it was in shock or dead; it just felt so sad to witness the whole thing.

last year i picked up quite a few turtles who were trying to cross the road. i can't bear to drive by and leave them there, knowing they'll most likely get killed. sometimes i hate cars for the violence they do to living things. but of course, without a car, i would be miserable living here, not being able to get anywhere, etc.

this past weekend we went to the beach to see ed's parents. i wanted to pick shells and rocks for my garden. i found so many beautiful ones...in fact they were all beautiful, which made it hard (or easy) to pick. i ended up with quite a few, and i'm looking fwd to creating some nice designs with them. i'm esp attracted to spirals and circles.

if this posting is a little disjointed, well, it's the best i could do writing with 2 kids on my lap, pulling my hair, etc, you get the idea...

time for play now.

peace

more pics

more mudplay...
and a cuddle in the wagon
finally, aiyana's shoes. she insisted on walking with thse little plastic cups on her feet. she loves shoes and as you can see her idea of what a shoe is quite open-ended.

after the storm

these pics were taken after the storm that knocked over the tree in our yard. in the first one, you can see the power cables kind of hanging over the driveway.

the 2nd and 3rd pics are of Sena and Aiyana standing in the crater left behind by the uprooted tree. those huge vine-like things are roots... pretty impressive...

i added the last pic just bc i think it looks so crazy and funny. as you see, they dress themselves.

Mother's day

last weekend i had the nicest Mother's day gift. we were going to Rhode Island to see ed's mom, and before we got there, ed asked me what i wanted for mother's day and i said some time to myself. so we stopped at a small convenience store and i got a cup of cofee, and then ed drove to the beach, and dropped me off.

i had my books, my journal, my camping chair, coffee and some dark chocolate. i found a sheltered place, behind a sand dune, out of the wind but in full view of the ocean. i sat there, in the sun, having coffee and chocolate, reading, writing, taking in the ocean, the seagulls, the smell of salt in the air. i felt so happy, light and free. there were very few other people on the beach - which made the whole atmosphere quite different from what it is in the summer.

after some time, i packed up my stuff and walked to ed's mother's cottage.
that was all i needed.

peace

storm

a few day ago we had a big storm that some called a tornado. it only lasted minutes, but the winds were so high that a huge tree in our yard, bigger than Mother, was blown over. the roots came out of the ground, leaving behind a 6ft deep hole. the tree fell over the power lines taking them down, so we had live wires in the driveway for about 24hrs, before the power company came to fix them. (there were lots of trees down all over the place, so the power company was really busy).

we had no power for about 2 days. no stove, no water, etc. i wouldn't normally mind this, except for the fact that it threw our whole routine off and with kids, that can be difficult- we had to go out for meals, we could not play outside bc of the wires on the ground, etc. fortunately, my sister lives so close by that we've been practically living at her house over the past couple of days.

things are resolved now, and i'm really looking fwd to checking out the tree that fell, esp the roots and the hole it left behind in the ground.

peace

apple blossoms and petals fallen to the ground

the apple blossoms lasted only one week. they smelled "delightful", as my friend richard put it, and when they fell to the ground, on a windy day, it was amazing. they were dancing and swirling on the wind, and it looked like a magical snowfall.

chores

in the springtime it is so easy to see the Earth as a living being. things seem to happen litteraly before our eyes. one day the trees are bare, the next they are alive with the brightest shade of green. the flowers on the trees bud, bloom and fall to the ground within a week for most trees around here. and the birds - one week the outdoors is relatively quiet, and the next there's an entire chorus of them singing and playing in the trees, bushes, even in the pile of sticks where the groundhog lives.

i was thinking the other day that if you filmed the unfolding of Nature for a week, let's say, and then sped up the film, there'd be no argument then that these beings around us, the trees, the plants and everything are truly alive. theoretically, we all know they're alive, but how many people treat a tree like a truly living being?

i feel that my senses have been dulled so much, maybe by too much city life, by lack of awareness, and who knows what else; how could it have taken me so long to realize these things? but it doesn't matter so much; all i can say is that i feel truly lucky; this is my idea of paradise, right here, and i am living in it. springtime makes it so easy to feel blissful.

on a different topic...

last week, ed and i were having some hard time over stuff that needs to be done in the house. neither one of us likes to do laundry, for example, especially the folding and putting away part. so, as a result, laundry sometimes accumulates on our back porch, where the washing machine is, in a pile of dirty clothes, pretty nasty, not to mention that we can't even walk to the door bc of it.

so a thought occured to me and i later shared it w ed. i told him that i felt that we shouldn't do anything unless we can find a way to do it joyfully. i know it sounds like the laundry will never get done this way; but i don't think it needs to be like that.

my feeling was more that we should not do things if we're going to do them in bad spirit. because with all the things that need to be done on a daily basis, we'd end up spending our lives feeling miserable and resentful. so i think it really important to figure how we can bring joy into doing what needs to be done, the dishes, the laundry, cleaning the toilet, whatever. for me, seeing chores as part of my own spiritual discipline works, it lets me bring joy into it. or just thinking about having a clean floor, without too much stuff sticking to my feet as i walk by, at least for a day.

so i told ed that if he can't figure out a way to do the laundry joyfully, or at the minimum without resentment and negativity, then he shouldn't do it. i'd be ok with that, and hopefuly i'll be able to pick it up. and maybe he'll pick up something i can't do. i really think this can work, bc i know that we both want it to, and we respect each other enough not to take advantage of the other.

so it's been a week since we've talked about all this, and i have to say that, at least for this short while, things have been working better. at least as far as the laundry goes, we can actually walk outside through the back porch w/o tripping on clothes and hampers. i can't say that joy came by itself when i was doing laundry; of course i would've preferred to be sitting under the tree reading my book; but that's not the point. at the time, as i did the laundry, i just kept reminding myself that i can turn this too into something positive, that this time is precious and i can enjoy it; enjoy the breeze i felt as i folded; or the sweet smell of blooming apple trees; and other little things like that; it kind of worked.

peace and Happy Mother's Day!

more pics

here are some pics of aiyana, and me, and the tree in front of our house which we call "Mother", and a cool cloud floating by last night (i thought that it looked like someone's profile, with wind blowing from the back)

pics

these are some pictures of my sister and us at Bakerwoods (a little farm closeby); the blossoms and nest are on the apple tree i like to sit under. the nest had a mama and 3 chicks in it last year; it's empty so far this year, but i'm waiting...

a breath of fresh air

one day this week, out of the blue, i had the realization that i'm really not as smart as i think i am. surprisingly, instead of making me feel bad, critical of myself or anything like that, this thought made me feel free. it's as if something hard broke, or cracked just a little, and a breath of fresh air came through. in realizing that i really don't know as much as i think i do, that i really don't have anything figured out, i felt all these possibilities open up; all of a sudden there was space, freedom, and relief at not having to be in control, not having to know.

it's good to let go of that need to know, and even more so, of the need to be right; this realization lasted just a moment, but even the memory of it is enough to make me feel refreshed, and a little more bouncy...

why is it so hard to be free within ourselves? how many people do you know that are truly free? people that can be playful and allow themselves a whole repertoire of thought and emotion, while still, somehow being responsible and sensitive in their interactions with others.
why do we as adults get so boring and narrow-minded? or so insensitive? why are we so crazy wasting our lives unlived, all these moments passing us by, while we are asleep...

but maybe, more importantly, i should ask myself how to be done with these things, how to step away even just a little bit, to breathe a little easier and live a little lighter. i'll let you know when i find out.

peace

my friend the groundhog

sitting under the apple tree again; blue sky, white clouds, pink blossoms over my head; countless birds chirping; "mother" and all the other trees bright green in the sun once again;

my good friend the groundhog was just out grazing; i saw him and he saw me, we looked at each other for a moment and then he scurried into the stick pile that is his home; i've been dumping some compost there lately just for him; i'm really fond of him; grounhog day was special to me to begin with and now it's even more so; ed thinks we should relocate the groundhog if we want to have any veges left in our garden, but i'm attached to him.

i'm also getting attached to the hawk that's been visiting us every day. he doesn't come for me, he comes for the 6 chicks we have in the chicken coup. i don't want to let them out until they're big enough to fend for themselves. right now the hawk would have them for a quick snack; but even so, i can't help but love the hawk; so beautiful, so sure of herself in flight; and her call, so clear and shrill, as if she were reminding everyone to wake up and live.

all this going on around me; all this life, and i feel blissed out as i sit here silently, while my children are sleeping. i absolutely love this feeling.

reading an interesting, thought-provoking, mind-expanding book called "breakfast at the victory", by James Carse. some books come just at the right time, answering questions you didn't even know you had. this is definitely one of them. here's a quote i liked:
"the highest achievement of the spiritual life is within the full embrace of the ordinary."

peace

play

here are some very recent pictures of sena, aiyana and julia.

eva

one day, i had a really nice experience at starbucks. this experience has stayed with me like a hidden little treasure, making me smile whenever i think of it.
it was early one saturday morning, and i was by myself. ed was home with the kids, while i had this time to myself. i was sitting by the window, sipping coffee and reading a book, when i noticed a woman i knew outside. her name is Eva, and she is a herbalist who owns a little shop i visit once in a while. i know she's been going through a difficult time lately, getting divorced from her husband. i remember seeing them last summer at HerbFest, arms around each other. last time i spoke to her, a few months ago, she told me that he's a wonderful man but she can't live with him. it was obvious she loves him. they have 2 children.

when i saw her at starbucks, she was walking to her car, holding a cup of coffee. she didn't notice me, and she didn't seem to be noticing much, looking mostly down. her expression was blank and a little hardened. i hought that the dampness and grayness outside matched what she projected. as she walked to her car, she turned as if hit by an afterthought, and walked back a few steps. she had noticed something on the ground and bent down to pick it up. it was a purple little flower, lovely and fresh, and totally out of place in the gray gravel. she picked it up with much care and gentleness, and held it as if it were precious. i saw her face light up and a faint smile come to her lips. she held the flower and in her hand and looked at it for a moment. then, she walked to her car, and i swear her step had a different quality from before, more springy, and lighter. i saw her get into the car and place the flower gently on the dashboard. then she drove away.

i felt so moved and grateful to have witnessed this intimate little sceene. what had happened was so small, it could easily have gone unnoticed. yet i also felt that it was big, huge in its significance, and i was deeply touched by it. maybe it was my mood, or the stuff i have been going through lately, but something inside me resonated with this experience.

isn't that how life is? you walk around in a haze, surrounded by events and people that sometimes seem as hard and gray as concrete. if you're lucky and awake enough, you may notice something small and beautiful along your way; something alive, that will make you smile. you stop and you connect with it, smile and give gratitude. your heart softens, and opens a little wider. you recognize that beauty often comes in unexpected ways, at unexpected times. you realize that without the pain you've known you would not have the sensitivity to connect with life and beauty on this level. you feel all these things in a moment, then you forget again. you keep walking.

peace

riding the dragon

last weekend i saw some friends i hadn't seen in a while. they spent the winter in South and Central America, volunteering on organic farms. of course, they had lots of interesting experiences and stories to share.

then they asked what i had been doing. i didn't know where to start, or how to sum up my mundane / exciting life to them. so i just said that i've been riding the dragon, doing my day-to-day stuff. they laughed and seemed to know right away what i meant.

when my neighbor Matt first mentioned "riding the dragon", i immediately loved the expression and adopted it as my own, since i find it a most clear description of what my life is these days...

i'd love to write more, but it's a beautiful day outside, and the kids are restless to go and play. actually so am i. hopefuly soon i'll get to sit again and share some of the insights and experiences i've been having lately.

peace

thoreau

"to influence the quality of the day, this is the highest of arts".

well, i don't like to think in terms of "the highest" and stuff, but i still love the quote. yeah, to influence the quality of the day - not an easy task, but well worth undertaking. i've been working on just this for a while - it's all i can do.

thank you Roxi

my sister lost power at her house after some bad winds on sunday night. so she spent the day with us on monday and tuesday, since our house was not affected by the wind.
wow, what a difference having 2 adults instead of just one taking care of children. all i have to say is i know why they say "it takes a village to raise one child".
i feel extremely lucky to have my sister so close to me (not only when the power is out either...).

some kid news:
aiyana has been saying a lot of new words in the past week or so. it's like, "the floodgates broke open", as one friend put it. she can express herself so much more now, and she loves it. i do too. not only is it cute, but it makes for a lot less frustration and misunderstanding.

another really exciting development is that aiyana started going on the potty. wow, what a relief not having to change, not to mention clean, all those diapers. it's only been a week that she's been doing this, but she is so excited about it, and my life is easier. she loves coming to tell me when she has to go, pulling on my pants to guide me to the bathroom. she pees and poops on the toilet (we have a little seat on top of it so she won't fall in), and when she's done, she wants to wipe, flush and wash her hands all by herself. she refuses to wear diapers now, and wants regular underware like her sister. i still want to put diapers on her when we go out, bc i don't want any accident at the library, or wherever we're going, but usually she fights me on it (and i give in)...

what's most interesting to me is that our potty training thing is a lot more about communication and bonding than it is about actually peeing and pooping. aiyana communicates a lot with her eyes, body, and lately speech, but if i'm not receptive to it, and if i don't communicate back to her, then i don't think things would happen as they do now. maybe i'm not expressing myself all that well. what i mean to say is that this potty training has become another opportunity for us to bond and communicate.

sleeping, on the other hand, hasn't been so good lately. aiyana, for some reason, has been nursing like crazy throughout the night. i thought it was teeth related, but i'm not sure now. something else may be going on, have to figure it out. all i know is that i am tired in the morning and throughout the day. but that's been my story for the past 3 years, no news here...

having trouble writing today, mind is a little foggy, so let me stop here...

peace

tough easter

i wish i could brush things over and say what a nice easter we had. but it feels better to say the truth. or as close as possible.

it was tough. ed and i had a hard time during the day, we could not communicate, we were getting on each other in a bad way, and we both came down pretty hard. then it was time to go over to his parents' for dinner, and we all got in the car, but in less that 1 mile, ed decided that he couldn't do it and wanted to come back home. which i felt as well, but i also thought that it wasn't fair to his family and to the kids not to go, esp. since his mom spent lots of energy cooking and preparing, and sena was really looking fwd to the whole thing...

so i told ed that he could go home and i still go to his parents' with the kids. this is what we did, and things went ok. sena had a really good time coloring eggs at granma's, and aiyana had fun riding her trycicle indoors, etc. i was ok, just tried to be in the moment and answer everyone's questions as to where ed was, what happened, etc. i didn't make anything up, i just told them the truth, without getting into too much detail, uinless they kept asking. ed's dad was worried, but i told him these things happen and everything would be ok soon.

i left the house at around 8pm, and went home. sena fell asleep in the car. ed and i talked a little when i got home, and things were ok. not much to say, we both felt pretty drained, but at least the energy btw us wasn't too bad. i went to bed around 9:30.

i had a restless night. seemed like the day's feelings spilled over into my dreams, and gave me no peace. aiyana's teething again too, so that's not too conducive to peaceful sleep either.

sometime during the night i had a dream.
in my dream, i was on a journey. it wasn't an easy or pleasant journey. feelings of restlessness, doubt, insecurity, and nagging questions of the fundamental type were proeminent. eventually i came to a cliff beyond where the path ended. it was the end of my journey.

from the cliff, i could see the ocean, or rather the inlet to the ocean. it was like a bay, and all there was was water and the horizon. the scene was pretty drab, monochrome, brown, not too exciting. i stood there and watched, feeling tired from my journey; and then slowly, the colors started to change. the water took on brilliant, clear shades of blue and green. the sky turned bright blue. the sun shone clearly on the horizon. the feeling came over me that everything was allright. i felt energy flowing through me, and knowledge came in the form of a silent voice. it said:

some people never get to experience the world, they go straight into the sun. (i knew that this was referring to children that never experience birth, but die in their mother's woumbs). the rest of us experience life, (just as i had experienced my journey to the cliff), and it's not usually peaceful, or beautiful, or easy. but in the end, we all go into the sun. i knew and felt, as i heard this, that going into the sun was the ultimate release. it just felt amazing.

then i woke up. a little shaken from the night's retlessness, but then i remembered the dream and my whole outlook for the day changed, became much more positive. so although i'm still tired now, i feel very peaceful and calm.
just thought i'd share this.

so...
rock on, or whatever moves you,
peace

pics from last w/kend in mtl

post-montreal blues

it's been a long time i didn't get these, but i have to admit that i'm under a spell of post-montreal blues. not for the city itself, but for the people that i still feel strongly connected to there.

i was in montreal thursday through sunday last week. drove up on thursday, which went well, considering that it was just me and the little ones. i had borrowed a car dvd player from the library (my sister's suggestion), and it came in very handy. plug them in, as ed loves to say... well, it works...

on friday, i spent a couple of hrs by myself. went downtown and drove around trying to find parking, no easy task. found a spot near le faubourg, then walked around some, and sat in a Second Cup reading and writing. i felt like a stranger in the city. people seemed cold and disconnected. nobody looked each other in the eyes, esp. as they're walking on the street. i felt alienated from the whole thing. but it was still interesting to sit and observe...

saturday was a whole different story. finally the city came to life again, in my heart. i felt connected to it, and that was because i got to see my friends. it was so nice to feel that closeness again. saturday was a great day, i didn't want it to end.

on suday, we drove back home. i tried not to feel sad about leaving mtl, but i could not help it. the drive went well again, but i found that my mind was distracted, and it was hard to focus on the kids. i felt like when i crossed the US/Canada border, i also had to cross a border in my heart: my old life, of a single woman, versus my new life, as a mother, etc. or something like that. of course it's not so well defined, this border, the spaces mix and bleed into each other...

on my drive back, i was moved by the realization of how supportive my parents are trying to be. my mom really tried to give me time alone, knowing how much i need it. so she (and my dad) took the kids as much as possible, and encouraged me to go out and have fun. my dad also tried to help in his way: he cooked breakfast for us while i packed my stuff on sunday, he cleaned my car (it really needed it), and checked the oil; and basically he tried to assist with any practical thing that needed to be done.

i feel so grateful for my family and friends.

peace!