tough easter

i wish i could brush things over and say what a nice easter we had. but it feels better to say the truth. or as close as possible.

it was tough. ed and i had a hard time during the day, we could not communicate, we were getting on each other in a bad way, and we both came down pretty hard. then it was time to go over to his parents' for dinner, and we all got in the car, but in less that 1 mile, ed decided that he couldn't do it and wanted to come back home. which i felt as well, but i also thought that it wasn't fair to his family and to the kids not to go, esp. since his mom spent lots of energy cooking and preparing, and sena was really looking fwd to the whole thing...

so i told ed that he could go home and i still go to his parents' with the kids. this is what we did, and things went ok. sena had a really good time coloring eggs at granma's, and aiyana had fun riding her trycicle indoors, etc. i was ok, just tried to be in the moment and answer everyone's questions as to where ed was, what happened, etc. i didn't make anything up, i just told them the truth, without getting into too much detail, uinless they kept asking. ed's dad was worried, but i told him these things happen and everything would be ok soon.

i left the house at around 8pm, and went home. sena fell asleep in the car. ed and i talked a little when i got home, and things were ok. not much to say, we both felt pretty drained, but at least the energy btw us wasn't too bad. i went to bed around 9:30.

i had a restless night. seemed like the day's feelings spilled over into my dreams, and gave me no peace. aiyana's teething again too, so that's not too conducive to peaceful sleep either.

sometime during the night i had a dream.
in my dream, i was on a journey. it wasn't an easy or pleasant journey. feelings of restlessness, doubt, insecurity, and nagging questions of the fundamental type were proeminent. eventually i came to a cliff beyond where the path ended. it was the end of my journey.

from the cliff, i could see the ocean, or rather the inlet to the ocean. it was like a bay, and all there was was water and the horizon. the scene was pretty drab, monochrome, brown, not too exciting. i stood there and watched, feeling tired from my journey; and then slowly, the colors started to change. the water took on brilliant, clear shades of blue and green. the sky turned bright blue. the sun shone clearly on the horizon. the feeling came over me that everything was allright. i felt energy flowing through me, and knowledge came in the form of a silent voice. it said:

some people never get to experience the world, they go straight into the sun. (i knew that this was referring to children that never experience birth, but die in their mother's woumbs). the rest of us experience life, (just as i had experienced my journey to the cliff), and it's not usually peaceful, or beautiful, or easy. but in the end, we all go into the sun. i knew and felt, as i heard this, that going into the sun was the ultimate release. it just felt amazing.

then i woke up. a little shaken from the night's retlessness, but then i remembered the dream and my whole outlook for the day changed, became much more positive. so although i'm still tired now, i feel very peaceful and calm.
just thought i'd share this.

so...
rock on, or whatever moves you,
peace