i started a garden. the digging was hard, but now i'm planting, which is the fun part. i'm thinking of doing flowers and herbs, try to create a nice space for sitting and relaxing...
there's a baltimore oriole building a nest right next to my bedroom window. i'm quietly watching the whole process, as she flies back and forth all day with little bits of this and that. the nest looks like a pouch so far, and soon i think it will be ready for her to lay eggs. i'm so happy that she chose this spot, and can't wait to see the babies.
yesterday we saw a turtle on the road. it was crossing, very slowly, and when we saw it, we turned around and ed got out of the car to pick it up. but he was too late. a truck came by going really fast, and it ran right over the turtle hurling it up in the air. ed picked it up afterwards, and it was still out of its shell, but not moving at all. he put it in a creek nearby. i don't know if it was in shock or dead; it just felt so sad to witness the whole thing.
last year i picked up quite a few turtles who were trying to cross the road. i can't bear to drive by and leave them there, knowing they'll most likely get killed. sometimes i hate cars for the violence they do to living things. but of course, without a car, i would be miserable living here, not being able to get anywhere, etc.
this past weekend we went to the beach to see ed's parents. i wanted to pick shells and rocks for my garden. i found so many beautiful ones...in fact they were all beautiful, which made it hard (or easy) to pick. i ended up with quite a few, and i'm looking fwd to creating some nice designs with them. i'm esp attracted to spirals and circles.
if this posting is a little disjointed, well, it's the best i could do writing with 2 kids on my lap, pulling my hair, etc, you get the idea...
time for play now.
peace
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
more pics
more mudplay...
and a cuddle in the wagon
finally, aiyana's shoes. she insisted on walking with thse little plastic cups on her feet. she loves shoes and as you can see her idea of what a shoe is quite open-ended.
after the storm
these pics were taken after the storm that knocked over the tree in our yard. in the first one, you can see the power cables kind of hanging over the driveway.
the 2nd and 3rd pics are of Sena and Aiyana standing in the crater left behind by the uprooted tree. those huge vine-like things are roots... pretty impressive...
i added the last pic just bc i think it looks so crazy and funny. as you see, they dress themselves.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Mother's day
last weekend i had the nicest Mother's day gift. we were going to Rhode Island to see ed's mom, and before we got there, ed asked me what i wanted for mother's day and i said some time to myself. so we stopped at a small convenience store and i got a cup of cofee, and then ed drove to the beach, and dropped me off.
i had my books, my journal, my camping chair, coffee and some dark chocolate. i found a sheltered place, behind a sand dune, out of the wind but in full view of the ocean. i sat there, in the sun, having coffee and chocolate, reading, writing, taking in the ocean, the seagulls, the smell of salt in the air. i felt so happy, light and free. there were very few other people on the beach - which made the whole atmosphere quite different from what it is in the summer.
after some time, i packed up my stuff and walked to ed's mother's cottage.
that was all i needed.
peace
i had my books, my journal, my camping chair, coffee and some dark chocolate. i found a sheltered place, behind a sand dune, out of the wind but in full view of the ocean. i sat there, in the sun, having coffee and chocolate, reading, writing, taking in the ocean, the seagulls, the smell of salt in the air. i felt so happy, light and free. there were very few other people on the beach - which made the whole atmosphere quite different from what it is in the summer.
after some time, i packed up my stuff and walked to ed's mother's cottage.
that was all i needed.
peace
storm
a few day ago we had a big storm that some called a tornado. it only lasted minutes, but the winds were so high that a huge tree in our yard, bigger than Mother, was blown over. the roots came out of the ground, leaving behind a 6ft deep hole. the tree fell over the power lines taking them down, so we had live wires in the driveway for about 24hrs, before the power company came to fix them. (there were lots of trees down all over the place, so the power company was really busy).
we had no power for about 2 days. no stove, no water, etc. i wouldn't normally mind this, except for the fact that it threw our whole routine off and with kids, that can be difficult- we had to go out for meals, we could not play outside bc of the wires on the ground, etc. fortunately, my sister lives so close by that we've been practically living at her house over the past couple of days.
things are resolved now, and i'm really looking fwd to checking out the tree that fell, esp the roots and the hole it left behind in the ground.
peace
we had no power for about 2 days. no stove, no water, etc. i wouldn't normally mind this, except for the fact that it threw our whole routine off and with kids, that can be difficult- we had to go out for meals, we could not play outside bc of the wires on the ground, etc. fortunately, my sister lives so close by that we've been practically living at her house over the past couple of days.
things are resolved now, and i'm really looking fwd to checking out the tree that fell, esp the roots and the hole it left behind in the ground.
peace
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
apple blossoms and petals fallen to the ground
the apple blossoms lasted only one week. they smelled "delightful", as my friend richard put it, and when they fell to the ground, on a windy day, it was amazing. they were dancing and swirling on the wind, and it looked like a magical snowfall.
chores
in the springtime it is so easy to see the Earth as a living being. things seem to happen litteraly before our eyes. one day the trees are bare, the next they are alive with the brightest shade of green. the flowers on the trees bud, bloom and fall to the ground within a week for most trees around here. and the birds - one week the outdoors is relatively quiet, and the next there's an entire chorus of them singing and playing in the trees, bushes, even in the pile of sticks where the groundhog lives.
i was thinking the other day that if you filmed the unfolding of Nature for a week, let's say, and then sped up the film, there'd be no argument then that these beings around us, the trees, the plants and everything are truly alive. theoretically, we all know they're alive, but how many people treat a tree like a truly living being?
i feel that my senses have been dulled so much, maybe by too much city life, by lack of awareness, and who knows what else; how could it have taken me so long to realize these things? but it doesn't matter so much; all i can say is that i feel truly lucky; this is my idea of paradise, right here, and i am living in it. springtime makes it so easy to feel blissful.
on a different topic...
last week, ed and i were having some hard time over stuff that needs to be done in the house. neither one of us likes to do laundry, for example, especially the folding and putting away part. so, as a result, laundry sometimes accumulates on our back porch, where the washing machine is, in a pile of dirty clothes, pretty nasty, not to mention that we can't even walk to the door bc of it.
so a thought occured to me and i later shared it w ed. i told him that i felt that we shouldn't do anything unless we can find a way to do it joyfully. i know it sounds like the laundry will never get done this way; but i don't think it needs to be like that.
my feeling was more that we should not do things if we're going to do them in bad spirit. because with all the things that need to be done on a daily basis, we'd end up spending our lives feeling miserable and resentful. so i think it really important to figure how we can bring joy into doing what needs to be done, the dishes, the laundry, cleaning the toilet, whatever. for me, seeing chores as part of my own spiritual discipline works, it lets me bring joy into it. or just thinking about having a clean floor, without too much stuff sticking to my feet as i walk by, at least for a day.
so i told ed that if he can't figure out a way to do the laundry joyfully, or at the minimum without resentment and negativity, then he shouldn't do it. i'd be ok with that, and hopefuly i'll be able to pick it up. and maybe he'll pick up something i can't do. i really think this can work, bc i know that we both want it to, and we respect each other enough not to take advantage of the other.
so it's been a week since we've talked about all this, and i have to say that, at least for this short while, things have been working better. at least as far as the laundry goes, we can actually walk outside through the back porch w/o tripping on clothes and hampers. i can't say that joy came by itself when i was doing laundry; of course i would've preferred to be sitting under the tree reading my book; but that's not the point. at the time, as i did the laundry, i just kept reminding myself that i can turn this too into something positive, that this time is precious and i can enjoy it; enjoy the breeze i felt as i folded; or the sweet smell of blooming apple trees; and other little things like that; it kind of worked.
peace and Happy Mother's Day!
i was thinking the other day that if you filmed the unfolding of Nature for a week, let's say, and then sped up the film, there'd be no argument then that these beings around us, the trees, the plants and everything are truly alive. theoretically, we all know they're alive, but how many people treat a tree like a truly living being?
i feel that my senses have been dulled so much, maybe by too much city life, by lack of awareness, and who knows what else; how could it have taken me so long to realize these things? but it doesn't matter so much; all i can say is that i feel truly lucky; this is my idea of paradise, right here, and i am living in it. springtime makes it so easy to feel blissful.
on a different topic...
last week, ed and i were having some hard time over stuff that needs to be done in the house. neither one of us likes to do laundry, for example, especially the folding and putting away part. so, as a result, laundry sometimes accumulates on our back porch, where the washing machine is, in a pile of dirty clothes, pretty nasty, not to mention that we can't even walk to the door bc of it.
so a thought occured to me and i later shared it w ed. i told him that i felt that we shouldn't do anything unless we can find a way to do it joyfully. i know it sounds like the laundry will never get done this way; but i don't think it needs to be like that.
my feeling was more that we should not do things if we're going to do them in bad spirit. because with all the things that need to be done on a daily basis, we'd end up spending our lives feeling miserable and resentful. so i think it really important to figure how we can bring joy into doing what needs to be done, the dishes, the laundry, cleaning the toilet, whatever. for me, seeing chores as part of my own spiritual discipline works, it lets me bring joy into it. or just thinking about having a clean floor, without too much stuff sticking to my feet as i walk by, at least for a day.
so i told ed that if he can't figure out a way to do the laundry joyfully, or at the minimum without resentment and negativity, then he shouldn't do it. i'd be ok with that, and hopefuly i'll be able to pick it up. and maybe he'll pick up something i can't do. i really think this can work, bc i know that we both want it to, and we respect each other enough not to take advantage of the other.
so it's been a week since we've talked about all this, and i have to say that, at least for this short while, things have been working better. at least as far as the laundry goes, we can actually walk outside through the back porch w/o tripping on clothes and hampers. i can't say that joy came by itself when i was doing laundry; of course i would've preferred to be sitting under the tree reading my book; but that's not the point. at the time, as i did the laundry, i just kept reminding myself that i can turn this too into something positive, that this time is precious and i can enjoy it; enjoy the breeze i felt as i folded; or the sweet smell of blooming apple trees; and other little things like that; it kind of worked.
peace and Happy Mother's Day!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
more pics
here are some pics of aiyana, and me, and the tree in front of our house which we call "Mother", and a cool cloud floating by last night (i thought that it looked like someone's profile, with wind blowing from the back)
pics
these are some pictures of my sister and us at Bakerwoods (a little farm closeby); the blossoms and nest are on the apple tree i like to sit under. the nest had a mama and 3 chicks in it last year; it's empty so far this year, but i'm waiting...
a breath of fresh air
one day this week, out of the blue, i had the realization that i'm really not as smart as i think i am. surprisingly, instead of making me feel bad, critical of myself or anything like that, this thought made me feel free. it's as if something hard broke, or cracked just a little, and a breath of fresh air came through. in realizing that i really don't know as much as i think i do, that i really don't have anything figured out, i felt all these possibilities open up; all of a sudden there was space, freedom, and relief at not having to be in control, not having to know.
it's good to let go of that need to know, and even more so, of the need to be right; this realization lasted just a moment, but even the memory of it is enough to make me feel refreshed, and a little more bouncy...
why is it so hard to be free within ourselves? how many people do you know that are truly free? people that can be playful and allow themselves a whole repertoire of thought and emotion, while still, somehow being responsible and sensitive in their interactions with others.
why do we as adults get so boring and narrow-minded? or so insensitive? why are we so crazy wasting our lives unlived, all these moments passing us by, while we are asleep...
but maybe, more importantly, i should ask myself how to be done with these things, how to step away even just a little bit, to breathe a little easier and live a little lighter. i'll let you know when i find out.
peace
it's good to let go of that need to know, and even more so, of the need to be right; this realization lasted just a moment, but even the memory of it is enough to make me feel refreshed, and a little more bouncy...
why is it so hard to be free within ourselves? how many people do you know that are truly free? people that can be playful and allow themselves a whole repertoire of thought and emotion, while still, somehow being responsible and sensitive in their interactions with others.
why do we as adults get so boring and narrow-minded? or so insensitive? why are we so crazy wasting our lives unlived, all these moments passing us by, while we are asleep...
but maybe, more importantly, i should ask myself how to be done with these things, how to step away even just a little bit, to breathe a little easier and live a little lighter. i'll let you know when i find out.
peace
my friend the groundhog
sitting under the apple tree again; blue sky, white clouds, pink blossoms over my head; countless birds chirping; "mother" and all the other trees bright green in the sun once again;
my good friend the groundhog was just out grazing; i saw him and he saw me, we looked at each other for a moment and then he scurried into the stick pile that is his home; i've been dumping some compost there lately just for him; i'm really fond of him; grounhog day was special to me to begin with and now it's even more so; ed thinks we should relocate the groundhog if we want to have any veges left in our garden, but i'm attached to him.
i'm also getting attached to the hawk that's been visiting us every day. he doesn't come for me, he comes for the 6 chicks we have in the chicken coup. i don't want to let them out until they're big enough to fend for themselves. right now the hawk would have them for a quick snack; but even so, i can't help but love the hawk; so beautiful, so sure of herself in flight; and her call, so clear and shrill, as if she were reminding everyone to wake up and live.
all this going on around me; all this life, and i feel blissed out as i sit here silently, while my children are sleeping. i absolutely love this feeling.
reading an interesting, thought-provoking, mind-expanding book called "breakfast at the victory", by James Carse. some books come just at the right time, answering questions you didn't even know you had. this is definitely one of them. here's a quote i liked:
"the highest achievement of the spiritual life is within the full embrace of the ordinary."
peace
my good friend the groundhog was just out grazing; i saw him and he saw me, we looked at each other for a moment and then he scurried into the stick pile that is his home; i've been dumping some compost there lately just for him; i'm really fond of him; grounhog day was special to me to begin with and now it's even more so; ed thinks we should relocate the groundhog if we want to have any veges left in our garden, but i'm attached to him.
i'm also getting attached to the hawk that's been visiting us every day. he doesn't come for me, he comes for the 6 chicks we have in the chicken coup. i don't want to let them out until they're big enough to fend for themselves. right now the hawk would have them for a quick snack; but even so, i can't help but love the hawk; so beautiful, so sure of herself in flight; and her call, so clear and shrill, as if she were reminding everyone to wake up and live.
all this going on around me; all this life, and i feel blissed out as i sit here silently, while my children are sleeping. i absolutely love this feeling.
reading an interesting, thought-provoking, mind-expanding book called "breakfast at the victory", by James Carse. some books come just at the right time, answering questions you didn't even know you had. this is definitely one of them. here's a quote i liked:
"the highest achievement of the spiritual life is within the full embrace of the ordinary."
peace
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
eva
one day, i had a really nice experience at starbucks. this experience has stayed with me like a hidden little treasure, making me smile whenever i think of it.
it was early one saturday morning, and i was by myself. ed was home with the kids, while i had this time to myself. i was sitting by the window, sipping coffee and reading a book, when i noticed a woman i knew outside. her name is Eva, and she is a herbalist who owns a little shop i visit once in a while. i know she's been going through a difficult time lately, getting divorced from her husband. i remember seeing them last summer at HerbFest, arms around each other. last time i spoke to her, a few months ago, she told me that he's a wonderful man but she can't live with him. it was obvious she loves him. they have 2 children.
when i saw her at starbucks, she was walking to her car, holding a cup of coffee. she didn't notice me, and she didn't seem to be noticing much, looking mostly down. her expression was blank and a little hardened. i hought that the dampness and grayness outside matched what she projected. as she walked to her car, she turned as if hit by an afterthought, and walked back a few steps. she had noticed something on the ground and bent down to pick it up. it was a purple little flower, lovely and fresh, and totally out of place in the gray gravel. she picked it up with much care and gentleness, and held it as if it were precious. i saw her face light up and a faint smile come to her lips. she held the flower and in her hand and looked at it for a moment. then, she walked to her car, and i swear her step had a different quality from before, more springy, and lighter. i saw her get into the car and place the flower gently on the dashboard. then she drove away.
i felt so moved and grateful to have witnessed this intimate little sceene. what had happened was so small, it could easily have gone unnoticed. yet i also felt that it was big, huge in its significance, and i was deeply touched by it. maybe it was my mood, or the stuff i have been going through lately, but something inside me resonated with this experience.
isn't that how life is? you walk around in a haze, surrounded by events and people that sometimes seem as hard and gray as concrete. if you're lucky and awake enough, you may notice something small and beautiful along your way; something alive, that will make you smile. you stop and you connect with it, smile and give gratitude. your heart softens, and opens a little wider. you recognize that beauty often comes in unexpected ways, at unexpected times. you realize that without the pain you've known you would not have the sensitivity to connect with life and beauty on this level. you feel all these things in a moment, then you forget again. you keep walking.
peace
it was early one saturday morning, and i was by myself. ed was home with the kids, while i had this time to myself. i was sitting by the window, sipping coffee and reading a book, when i noticed a woman i knew outside. her name is Eva, and she is a herbalist who owns a little shop i visit once in a while. i know she's been going through a difficult time lately, getting divorced from her husband. i remember seeing them last summer at HerbFest, arms around each other. last time i spoke to her, a few months ago, she told me that he's a wonderful man but she can't live with him. it was obvious she loves him. they have 2 children.
when i saw her at starbucks, she was walking to her car, holding a cup of coffee. she didn't notice me, and she didn't seem to be noticing much, looking mostly down. her expression was blank and a little hardened. i hought that the dampness and grayness outside matched what she projected. as she walked to her car, she turned as if hit by an afterthought, and walked back a few steps. she had noticed something on the ground and bent down to pick it up. it was a purple little flower, lovely and fresh, and totally out of place in the gray gravel. she picked it up with much care and gentleness, and held it as if it were precious. i saw her face light up and a faint smile come to her lips. she held the flower and in her hand and looked at it for a moment. then, she walked to her car, and i swear her step had a different quality from before, more springy, and lighter. i saw her get into the car and place the flower gently on the dashboard. then she drove away.
i felt so moved and grateful to have witnessed this intimate little sceene. what had happened was so small, it could easily have gone unnoticed. yet i also felt that it was big, huge in its significance, and i was deeply touched by it. maybe it was my mood, or the stuff i have been going through lately, but something inside me resonated with this experience.
isn't that how life is? you walk around in a haze, surrounded by events and people that sometimes seem as hard and gray as concrete. if you're lucky and awake enough, you may notice something small and beautiful along your way; something alive, that will make you smile. you stop and you connect with it, smile and give gratitude. your heart softens, and opens a little wider. you recognize that beauty often comes in unexpected ways, at unexpected times. you realize that without the pain you've known you would not have the sensitivity to connect with life and beauty on this level. you feel all these things in a moment, then you forget again. you keep walking.
peace
Thursday, April 26, 2007
riding the dragon
last weekend i saw some friends i hadn't seen in a while. they spent the winter in South and Central America, volunteering on organic farms. of course, they had lots of interesting experiences and stories to share.
then they asked what i had been doing. i didn't know where to start, or how to sum up my mundane / exciting life to them. so i just said that i've been riding the dragon, doing my day-to-day stuff. they laughed and seemed to know right away what i meant.
when my neighbor Matt first mentioned "riding the dragon", i immediately loved the expression and adopted it as my own, since i find it a most clear description of what my life is these days...
i'd love to write more, but it's a beautiful day outside, and the kids are restless to go and play. actually so am i. hopefuly soon i'll get to sit again and share some of the insights and experiences i've been having lately.
peace
then they asked what i had been doing. i didn't know where to start, or how to sum up my mundane / exciting life to them. so i just said that i've been riding the dragon, doing my day-to-day stuff. they laughed and seemed to know right away what i meant.
when my neighbor Matt first mentioned "riding the dragon", i immediately loved the expression and adopted it as my own, since i find it a most clear description of what my life is these days...
i'd love to write more, but it's a beautiful day outside, and the kids are restless to go and play. actually so am i. hopefuly soon i'll get to sit again and share some of the insights and experiences i've been having lately.
peace
thoreau
"to influence the quality of the day, this is the highest of arts".
well, i don't like to think in terms of "the highest" and stuff, but i still love the quote. yeah, to influence the quality of the day - not an easy task, but well worth undertaking. i've been working on just this for a while - it's all i can do.
well, i don't like to think in terms of "the highest" and stuff, but i still love the quote. yeah, to influence the quality of the day - not an easy task, but well worth undertaking. i've been working on just this for a while - it's all i can do.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
thank you Roxi
my sister lost power at her house after some bad winds on sunday night. so she spent the day with us on monday and tuesday, since our house was not affected by the wind.
wow, what a difference having 2 adults instead of just one taking care of children. all i have to say is i know why they say "it takes a village to raise one child".
i feel extremely lucky to have my sister so close to me (not only when the power is out either...).
some kid news:
aiyana has been saying a lot of new words in the past week or so. it's like, "the floodgates broke open", as one friend put it. she can express herself so much more now, and she loves it. i do too. not only is it cute, but it makes for a lot less frustration and misunderstanding.
another really exciting development is that aiyana started going on the potty. wow, what a relief not having to change, not to mention clean, all those diapers. it's only been a week that she's been doing this, but she is so excited about it, and my life is easier. she loves coming to tell me when she has to go, pulling on my pants to guide me to the bathroom. she pees and poops on the toilet (we have a little seat on top of it so she won't fall in), and when she's done, she wants to wipe, flush and wash her hands all by herself. she refuses to wear diapers now, and wants regular underware like her sister. i still want to put diapers on her when we go out, bc i don't want any accident at the library, or wherever we're going, but usually she fights me on it (and i give in)...
what's most interesting to me is that our potty training thing is a lot more about communication and bonding than it is about actually peeing and pooping. aiyana communicates a lot with her eyes, body, and lately speech, but if i'm not receptive to it, and if i don't communicate back to her, then i don't think things would happen as they do now. maybe i'm not expressing myself all that well. what i mean to say is that this potty training has become another opportunity for us to bond and communicate.
sleeping, on the other hand, hasn't been so good lately. aiyana, for some reason, has been nursing like crazy throughout the night. i thought it was teeth related, but i'm not sure now. something else may be going on, have to figure it out. all i know is that i am tired in the morning and throughout the day. but that's been my story for the past 3 years, no news here...
having trouble writing today, mind is a little foggy, so let me stop here...
peace
wow, what a difference having 2 adults instead of just one taking care of children. all i have to say is i know why they say "it takes a village to raise one child".
i feel extremely lucky to have my sister so close to me (not only when the power is out either...).
some kid news:
aiyana has been saying a lot of new words in the past week or so. it's like, "the floodgates broke open", as one friend put it. she can express herself so much more now, and she loves it. i do too. not only is it cute, but it makes for a lot less frustration and misunderstanding.
another really exciting development is that aiyana started going on the potty. wow, what a relief not having to change, not to mention clean, all those diapers. it's only been a week that she's been doing this, but she is so excited about it, and my life is easier. she loves coming to tell me when she has to go, pulling on my pants to guide me to the bathroom. she pees and poops on the toilet (we have a little seat on top of it so she won't fall in), and when she's done, she wants to wipe, flush and wash her hands all by herself. she refuses to wear diapers now, and wants regular underware like her sister. i still want to put diapers on her when we go out, bc i don't want any accident at the library, or wherever we're going, but usually she fights me on it (and i give in)...
what's most interesting to me is that our potty training thing is a lot more about communication and bonding than it is about actually peeing and pooping. aiyana communicates a lot with her eyes, body, and lately speech, but if i'm not receptive to it, and if i don't communicate back to her, then i don't think things would happen as they do now. maybe i'm not expressing myself all that well. what i mean to say is that this potty training has become another opportunity for us to bond and communicate.
sleeping, on the other hand, hasn't been so good lately. aiyana, for some reason, has been nursing like crazy throughout the night. i thought it was teeth related, but i'm not sure now. something else may be going on, have to figure it out. all i know is that i am tired in the morning and throughout the day. but that's been my story for the past 3 years, no news here...
having trouble writing today, mind is a little foggy, so let me stop here...
peace
Monday, April 09, 2007
tough easter
i wish i could brush things over and say what a nice easter we had. but it feels better to say the truth. or as close as possible.
it was tough. ed and i had a hard time during the day, we could not communicate, we were getting on each other in a bad way, and we both came down pretty hard. then it was time to go over to his parents' for dinner, and we all got in the car, but in less that 1 mile, ed decided that he couldn't do it and wanted to come back home. which i felt as well, but i also thought that it wasn't fair to his family and to the kids not to go, esp. since his mom spent lots of energy cooking and preparing, and sena was really looking fwd to the whole thing...
so i told ed that he could go home and i still go to his parents' with the kids. this is what we did, and things went ok. sena had a really good time coloring eggs at granma's, and aiyana had fun riding her trycicle indoors, etc. i was ok, just tried to be in the moment and answer everyone's questions as to where ed was, what happened, etc. i didn't make anything up, i just told them the truth, without getting into too much detail, uinless they kept asking. ed's dad was worried, but i told him these things happen and everything would be ok soon.
i left the house at around 8pm, and went home. sena fell asleep in the car. ed and i talked a little when i got home, and things were ok. not much to say, we both felt pretty drained, but at least the energy btw us wasn't too bad. i went to bed around 9:30.
i had a restless night. seemed like the day's feelings spilled over into my dreams, and gave me no peace. aiyana's teething again too, so that's not too conducive to peaceful sleep either.
sometime during the night i had a dream.
in my dream, i was on a journey. it wasn't an easy or pleasant journey. feelings of restlessness, doubt, insecurity, and nagging questions of the fundamental type were proeminent. eventually i came to a cliff beyond where the path ended. it was the end of my journey.
from the cliff, i could see the ocean, or rather the inlet to the ocean. it was like a bay, and all there was was water and the horizon. the scene was pretty drab, monochrome, brown, not too exciting. i stood there and watched, feeling tired from my journey; and then slowly, the colors started to change. the water took on brilliant, clear shades of blue and green. the sky turned bright blue. the sun shone clearly on the horizon. the feeling came over me that everything was allright. i felt energy flowing through me, and knowledge came in the form of a silent voice. it said:
some people never get to experience the world, they go straight into the sun. (i knew that this was referring to children that never experience birth, but die in their mother's woumbs). the rest of us experience life, (just as i had experienced my journey to the cliff), and it's not usually peaceful, or beautiful, or easy. but in the end, we all go into the sun. i knew and felt, as i heard this, that going into the sun was the ultimate release. it just felt amazing.
then i woke up. a little shaken from the night's retlessness, but then i remembered the dream and my whole outlook for the day changed, became much more positive. so although i'm still tired now, i feel very peaceful and calm.
just thought i'd share this.
so...
rock on, or whatever moves you,
peace
it was tough. ed and i had a hard time during the day, we could not communicate, we were getting on each other in a bad way, and we both came down pretty hard. then it was time to go over to his parents' for dinner, and we all got in the car, but in less that 1 mile, ed decided that he couldn't do it and wanted to come back home. which i felt as well, but i also thought that it wasn't fair to his family and to the kids not to go, esp. since his mom spent lots of energy cooking and preparing, and sena was really looking fwd to the whole thing...
so i told ed that he could go home and i still go to his parents' with the kids. this is what we did, and things went ok. sena had a really good time coloring eggs at granma's, and aiyana had fun riding her trycicle indoors, etc. i was ok, just tried to be in the moment and answer everyone's questions as to where ed was, what happened, etc. i didn't make anything up, i just told them the truth, without getting into too much detail, uinless they kept asking. ed's dad was worried, but i told him these things happen and everything would be ok soon.
i left the house at around 8pm, and went home. sena fell asleep in the car. ed and i talked a little when i got home, and things were ok. not much to say, we both felt pretty drained, but at least the energy btw us wasn't too bad. i went to bed around 9:30.
i had a restless night. seemed like the day's feelings spilled over into my dreams, and gave me no peace. aiyana's teething again too, so that's not too conducive to peaceful sleep either.
sometime during the night i had a dream.
in my dream, i was on a journey. it wasn't an easy or pleasant journey. feelings of restlessness, doubt, insecurity, and nagging questions of the fundamental type were proeminent. eventually i came to a cliff beyond where the path ended. it was the end of my journey.
from the cliff, i could see the ocean, or rather the inlet to the ocean. it was like a bay, and all there was was water and the horizon. the scene was pretty drab, monochrome, brown, not too exciting. i stood there and watched, feeling tired from my journey; and then slowly, the colors started to change. the water took on brilliant, clear shades of blue and green. the sky turned bright blue. the sun shone clearly on the horizon. the feeling came over me that everything was allright. i felt energy flowing through me, and knowledge came in the form of a silent voice. it said:
some people never get to experience the world, they go straight into the sun. (i knew that this was referring to children that never experience birth, but die in their mother's woumbs). the rest of us experience life, (just as i had experienced my journey to the cliff), and it's not usually peaceful, or beautiful, or easy. but in the end, we all go into the sun. i knew and felt, as i heard this, that going into the sun was the ultimate release. it just felt amazing.
then i woke up. a little shaken from the night's retlessness, but then i remembered the dream and my whole outlook for the day changed, became much more positive. so although i'm still tired now, i feel very peaceful and calm.
just thought i'd share this.
so...
rock on, or whatever moves you,
peace
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
post-montreal blues
it's been a long time i didn't get these, but i have to admit that i'm under a spell of post-montreal blues. not for the city itself, but for the people that i still feel strongly connected to there.
i was in montreal thursday through sunday last week. drove up on thursday, which went well, considering that it was just me and the little ones. i had borrowed a car dvd player from the library (my sister's suggestion), and it came in very handy. plug them in, as ed loves to say... well, it works...
on friday, i spent a couple of hrs by myself. went downtown and drove around trying to find parking, no easy task. found a spot near le faubourg, then walked around some, and sat in a Second Cup reading and writing. i felt like a stranger in the city. people seemed cold and disconnected. nobody looked each other in the eyes, esp. as they're walking on the street. i felt alienated from the whole thing. but it was still interesting to sit and observe...
saturday was a whole different story. finally the city came to life again, in my heart. i felt connected to it, and that was because i got to see my friends. it was so nice to feel that closeness again. saturday was a great day, i didn't want it to end.
on suday, we drove back home. i tried not to feel sad about leaving mtl, but i could not help it. the drive went well again, but i found that my mind was distracted, and it was hard to focus on the kids. i felt like when i crossed the US/Canada border, i also had to cross a border in my heart: my old life, of a single woman, versus my new life, as a mother, etc. or something like that. of course it's not so well defined, this border, the spaces mix and bleed into each other...
on my drive back, i was moved by the realization of how supportive my parents are trying to be. my mom really tried to give me time alone, knowing how much i need it. so she (and my dad) took the kids as much as possible, and encouraged me to go out and have fun. my dad also tried to help in his way: he cooked breakfast for us while i packed my stuff on sunday, he cleaned my car (it really needed it), and checked the oil; and basically he tried to assist with any practical thing that needed to be done.
i feel so grateful for my family and friends.
peace!
i was in montreal thursday through sunday last week. drove up on thursday, which went well, considering that it was just me and the little ones. i had borrowed a car dvd player from the library (my sister's suggestion), and it came in very handy. plug them in, as ed loves to say... well, it works...
on friday, i spent a couple of hrs by myself. went downtown and drove around trying to find parking, no easy task. found a spot near le faubourg, then walked around some, and sat in a Second Cup reading and writing. i felt like a stranger in the city. people seemed cold and disconnected. nobody looked each other in the eyes, esp. as they're walking on the street. i felt alienated from the whole thing. but it was still interesting to sit and observe...
saturday was a whole different story. finally the city came to life again, in my heart. i felt connected to it, and that was because i got to see my friends. it was so nice to feel that closeness again. saturday was a great day, i didn't want it to end.
on suday, we drove back home. i tried not to feel sad about leaving mtl, but i could not help it. the drive went well again, but i found that my mind was distracted, and it was hard to focus on the kids. i felt like when i crossed the US/Canada border, i also had to cross a border in my heart: my old life, of a single woman, versus my new life, as a mother, etc. or something like that. of course it's not so well defined, this border, the spaces mix and bleed into each other...
on my drive back, i was moved by the realization of how supportive my parents are trying to be. my mom really tried to give me time alone, knowing how much i need it. so she (and my dad) took the kids as much as possible, and encouraged me to go out and have fun. my dad also tried to help in his way: he cooked breakfast for us while i packed my stuff on sunday, he cleaned my car (it really needed it), and checked the oil; and basically he tried to assist with any practical thing that needed to be done.
i feel so grateful for my family and friends.
peace!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
on having quit my job
some people wanted to know how i felt about quitting my job as time went on.
well, it's been about 5 months now, and i can honestly say that except for one anxious dream, i've had absolutely no regrets about quitting. (in the dream, i still had to make a decision whether to quit or not, and i felt very anxious about it, bc i felt that i liked my job and i was sad about not doing it anymore.)
so while it's true that i liked some parts of my job quite a bit, i can't say that i miss my job at all. my days are full, and i am doing what i most want to be doing at this time in my life. i feel that the time i spend with my children is precious, and i can tell that being together every day is making a huge positive difference in our lives.
one thing, which i am very grateful for, is that money is not an issue right now for my family. so i have the option of staying home w/o feeling any financial pressure. i know that many families are not that lucky. for us, given our lifestyle, and the fact that ed is still working, we feel comfortable with our situation.
i just recently realized that i'm very grateful to my parents for guiding me into my engineering career. the fact that i worked for 10 years in this field, and was able to save some money, is what allows me to feel free to make a different choice right now - whether that is to stay home w my kids, or maybe to pursue a different interest in a few years.
so yeah, it was pretty hard to decide to give up my job, for many reasons, but once i did it, i never regretted it (so far), and my new life actually turns out to be even better than i had imagined. this is where my heart is, and i feel extremely lucky to be in this situation.
peace
well, it's been about 5 months now, and i can honestly say that except for one anxious dream, i've had absolutely no regrets about quitting. (in the dream, i still had to make a decision whether to quit or not, and i felt very anxious about it, bc i felt that i liked my job and i was sad about not doing it anymore.)
so while it's true that i liked some parts of my job quite a bit, i can't say that i miss my job at all. my days are full, and i am doing what i most want to be doing at this time in my life. i feel that the time i spend with my children is precious, and i can tell that being together every day is making a huge positive difference in our lives.
one thing, which i am very grateful for, is that money is not an issue right now for my family. so i have the option of staying home w/o feeling any financial pressure. i know that many families are not that lucky. for us, given our lifestyle, and the fact that ed is still working, we feel comfortable with our situation.
i just recently realized that i'm very grateful to my parents for guiding me into my engineering career. the fact that i worked for 10 years in this field, and was able to save some money, is what allows me to feel free to make a different choice right now - whether that is to stay home w my kids, or maybe to pursue a different interest in a few years.
so yeah, it was pretty hard to decide to give up my job, for many reasons, but once i did it, i never regretted it (so far), and my new life actually turns out to be even better than i had imagined. this is where my heart is, and i feel extremely lucky to be in this situation.
peace
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