Wish list

I’ve been asked what I want for Christmas this year, so here’s my real wish list:

I wish to be able to stay calm and peaceful
Through screaming and fussing, through Sena getting into trouble like she did this morning
I wish to be kind and gentle,
To be understanding and compassionate no matter what the circumstance
I wish to be able to respond to everyone’s needs without resentment
I wish to cry when I need to, without embarrassment
I wish to be able to apologize when I take my frustrations out on those closest to me
I wish that they understand and forgive me.
I wish to be able to get through these early months for Aiyana gracefully

I wish to take my anger and frustration, my fatigue and weariness,
Convert them into love, and return them that way
I wish to break free of the hold my ego has on me
I wish to be a source of comfort and soothing for Sena and Aiyana regardless of what’s going on
I wish to laugh despite the exhaustion
I wish to be the kind of mother I want to be

I wish for a clean bathroom all the time
I wish that all my hair does not turn white in the next two months (or years)
I wish that holding them will always feel this good
I wish for a little time alone without guilt
I wish to be able to look back on this time and smile

I wish that all people may put their children to bed in safety and peace
I wish that Aiyana’s soft eyes never harden their gaze
I wish that one day light may shine out through the cracks that mark my character

Dancing Fool

Haven’t had the chance to write much lately - been busy with lots of dancing and walking. Not by choice, at least not initially, I would’ve preferred sleep….
But, especially in the evenings, dancing is the only way to keep Aiyana happy. Walking outside works too but we do that in the afternoon while it’s still light out.

Just like Sena when she was this age, Aiyana has been having evening fussy time, which means lots of crying. Inconsolable crying, the type that you try everything till you think you’re just going to go crazy, and they still cry. There’s lots of theories about the fussy time, some call it colic, some attribute it to immature digestive system, etc, etc. in any case, one thing that’s for sure is that it wears you down really really fast. And of course the baby is really unhappy too. Lots of babies apparently have this, and it usually resolves itself by the time they’re 3 months old.

It makes me so sad to see her uncomfortable though, so I try everything just to make her feel better, but a lot of times nothing works so I just hold her through the crying and tell her that I love her and that I’m there and that’s the best I can do. sometimes it’s so intense, the whole experience, and especially since it comes at the end of the day when I’m tired too and ready for bed, that I want to cry myself. Sometimes I do and it relieves me. Other times, when I tell myself that maybe she just needs to cry and that I should stop torturing myself trying to make it end, I just hold her till she falls asleep with exhaustion and I feel surreal and light for having gone through it one more night.

But lately things have been getting a bit easier. I discovered that when aiyana’s in the sling and we’re walking, she doesn’t cry. So we’ve been going on walks every afternoon. I put Sena in the stroller and I have aiyana in the sling right on my body, and we go out for about two hours, and everyone seems to feel good. Sometimes things kind of fall apart, like when we’re out and sena decides she does not want to get back in the stroller, and I have to put her there and she’s kicking and screaming and all the while the baby’s on me, and we look like some of those people I used to see when their kids thrrew a tantrum and I thought I’m never gonna be like that….but now it’s just how it is sometimes, and I just have to get over the embarrassment and go on with things. But most of the times our walks are really nice. Walking inside the house is not the same. When aiyana’s fussy, inside walking just does not calm her down, maybe bc it’s not as vigorous, maybe the lack of fresh air…

Dancing though is another magic pill. As soon as I put her in the sling and we start dancing she quiets down and just looks up at me with her big eyes. Eventually she falls asleep. But the music we dance to has to be loud and fast, and the dancing quite vigorous. I would’ve thought that nice slow dancing would have been more soothing for her, but the opposite is true. Her favorite music so far is the soundtrack to the movie “monsoon wedding”. When we start dancing I’m usually tired and hungry and so not in the best state. But soon enough my spirits lift with the music and movement (and the lack of crying), so by the end I have more energy than at the beginning.

So this has been my life lately. Makes me laugh when I see or hear people promoting special work-outs for mothers to “get back in shape” after pregnancy, etc. they’re obviously not mothers themselves, or maybe they are but a very different style from me. bc one, when do you have the time to work out? and two you’re getting tons of exercise just keeping up with the kids and going about your daily life.

That’s about it for now, more to come soon hopefully. If you have the opportunity, try staring into someone’s eyes for a long time (minutes). Aiyana stares at me a lot, so I stare back at her, and sometimes it just makes me dizzy and I forget who I am, I forget everything, and once in a while I think I finally understand infinity.
love

Aiyana's Birth

finally, i get a chance to write again. it's exciting to share this.
a day after my last posting, on oct 5th, a warm and sunny day, i gave birth to my second daughter Aiyana. her name means "eternal blossom" (Native American) and it seems to me appropriate every time i look into her big brown eyes.

I had a great birth experience. my dream of giving birth outside came true. everything fell into place - my labor started early morning, the weather was great, and the location very private and peaceful. i labored outside from 10am till just after 3pm, at which point i felt i needed to be in the water, just like i was when Sena was born. i rushed to the bath tub and Aiyana was born there 15 minutes later. she was healthy and cried vigurously, which i took as a good sign.

although i felt good after the labor, the days following it were challenging. i found it difficult to divide my attention between Sena and Aiyana. had a lot of mixed emotions, ranging from feeling overwhelmed and ready to break down to feeling extatic and light as a feather floating on air. everntually, as i got some rest, things settled down a little, and now, 4 weeks later i find we are getting somewhat of a routine going. being so out of control the first few days was hard but it also had its upside - most importantly i was forced to let go of anything that was not important. that included brushing my teeth, washing, not to metiong household stuff. my attention and energy focused solely on taking care of us - the little ones, ed and i. i realized how attached i was to my daily routines, which after all are things we construct to give us a sense of control in our lives,and in those days i found were not that important. may sound crazy, but for me, this was a breakthrough and it lightened me up considerably, freeing my energy and positive thoughts.

the house is still a mess, but i do brush my teeth on most days now that things are settled down a bit. i still choose to give my energy to what matters most first - and to me that is being a good mom and a good person, being there for my daughters and for my friends always.

through the past 4 weeks, rumi has kept my spirit alive. whenever i felt myself plunging into a being overwhelmed or depressed, i somehow made time to read a few lines of rumi and things always looked better after that. or maybe it's just that i was able to accept them better.

my friends and the community i live in have also been amazing. they've supported us so much after the birth. people came and cleaned our house, did our laundry, cooked for us, took sena out to the park so i could get a nap, and so much more. i am really moved to be part of such an amazing group of people, and it really makes me want to give back. i feel like i've received so much love and support without any strings attached, but simply because these people are kind. makes me want to do that for someone else more than ever....

i would love to share the birth story in more detail - just a matter of getting it on the computer now. hopefuly i'll be able to post it soon, with some pics to go along too.

i missed writing - so much more challenging to do it now though, esp. since we don't have a computer at home...
but i'll try to write again when i get a chance. in the meantime, thank you for your comments, and thank you for your interest in reading this.

peace to all...

beached whale

it's hard for me to believe how big i am! i really feel huge, and i am starting to have a hard time seeing myself as my old self again.... especially when i am in bed at night, it seems so hard to turn from one side to the other or to get up. and i have to get up about 5 times per night just to go to the bathroom. i am starting to appreciate the expression "beached whale" in regards to myself.

fortunately, i am still ok during the day. walking like a duck of course, but other than that normal. i still want to walk and can keep up with sena most of the time.

yesterday was my official due date. i didn't put much credence in that anyway, each woman is different - but i did expect to have this baby a lot sooner, weeks ago. but that's just me thinking i know what's going on. Nature, obviously, works in her own time, and on her own terms. i guess i needed to learn that again. once more, i have to work on letting go of control, and just surrendering to (how should i say this without sounding wacked) a higher wisdom??? this is so crucial especially in the context of giving birth - just let your body do what it's supposed to do, without interfering or controlling. it's difficult though.

on a different subject - we are moving. we were given till the end of this week to move out of our current appartment. we were told we had to, because it's a one bedroom apartment, and we are going to be 4 pewople sleeping in one bedroom, and that, apparently is unnacceptable. it's unnacceptable in this culture for parents to sleep with their infants and small children. even though that's been the practice throughout human history, and still is in most of the rest of the world. not to mention animals. but let me not go off on that path.

well, as you can imagine, this move has been somewhat of a source of stress for me, especially since i am having a homebirth. not much of a home, feels like, as we're being told to leave. but fortunately, we found another place. we decided we'd take it about 2 weeks ago. at the time, ed asked me if i wanted to give birth there, and i said no, because even though it's a nice spot, i am not familiar with it, and that is important to me in labor. but over the past 2 weeks, ed's parents helped us clean it up, and we've been spending more and more time there, moving some things and making it feel more homey. i've also been going there and just sitting, or meditating outside. the place is actually an old house, which someone initially described as "funky". that meant that it looks like it's been though a lot. but it also has character, and now that it's clean, thanks to ed and his parents, the funkiness is all good.

the best thing about our new place are the surroundings. it's located on a 70 acre farm, so all around are fields, woods and just wild space. you can't hear or see any road, so it's extremely peaceful and private. there are some great big trees right by the house, and for me, they do a lot to make me feel good about being there. we can let sena run around w/o worrying about cars or anything like that, we can eat our meals outside, it's that kind of space.

a few days ago i was sitting by an apple tree in front of the house, and i saw wild turkeys, a deer, all kinds of birds, and a groundhog that came almost all the way up to me, until i bowed and scared her away.

yesterday i brought over a stick of cedar and sage and i smudged the house in the Native American tradition. then my midwives came to check up on me, and we sat on a blanket outside, and they felt my belly and the baby right there, as i laid down and looked up at the blue sky. that was really nice. so by the end of the day, with all these experiences, i started to feel a growing connection to the place. i told ed that i thought i was ok giving bith there, and he was excited. my midwives loved the idea too - they liked the vibes of this place a lot more than the one we're currently in. so, today we're moving more of our stuff, and hopefuly tonight will be out 1st night sleeping there.

i am excited about the possibility of giving birth outside, by the apple tree i've been sitting under for the past 2 weeks. we'll have to see though, depending on when labor starts, the weather, how i feel, etc. my midwives were totally open to this idea though, so it may happen.
inshallah.

i wish everyone peace, surrender and love. i wish that everyone can be brought to tears at some time, in a moment of awareness. i wish that i and we can somehow accept each other and come to feel the truth behind the saying : "if you don't see God in all, you don't see God at all" (i think maybe it was Gandhi who said that? not sure though...).

Rumi says it best

"keep walking.
There's no place to go."

Rumi

do good

a few weeks ago i had a dream. i've been reluctant to share it, although i feel it's important and it came as an answer to a question i've been asking for years. but i felt it's just too corny or trivial, too much of a cliche, hence my reluctance. but since i feel pretty good now, here it is.

the question i've been asking myself on and off throughout my 20's (less in the past few years) was what i was supposed to do with my life. i guess i bought into the cultural idea (or ideal) that we all have something we're supposed to do with our lives in order to prove them worhwhile living. in my 20's i imaginerd this would be one thing, like a job or something like that. for a while, i tried to make my engineering careeer fit this way of thinking, and for 2 or 3 years i convinced myself that i had found what i was looking for. but soon enough, i had to admit to myself that there was still a lot missing, that sense of meaning i had been looking for most of all. my engineering careeer lost most of its appeal throughout the years after that.

then i started to look for meaning through travelling, reading, etc. these things still sustain me, and are major sources of inspiration in my life. although they're not very definite - but i've been slowly and unknowingly veering away from the idea that there's one thing inh isolation (be it a job, a relationship, etc) that could give meaning to my life.

in the dream that i mentioned above, what came through was a simple sentence. it said "do good". i woke up and thought about it. the more i did so, the more it made sense. i feel like this is one of the few times that a dream makes sense on both a rational and an intuitive level. this seems like a great answer to my question of what i should do with my life. i should do good. it's vague, but i think therein lies its strength. i don't need to be anywhere in particular, i don't need to study anything in particular, i don't need to do anything special to do or be good. i can try and do good no matter what the circumstances of my life are. it seems so trivial, but i when i try to apply it and live by it i realize that it's not.

like for instance a few days ago, ed and i were about to get into an argument and i could feel myself getting frustrated. i was about to burst out and say something i knew i'd later regret, but for the moment i wanted it to sting ed regardless of the consequences. plus, i felt i was right. but fortunately before blurting out i had enough time to immagine myself in the future, looking back on my reaction, and it became quite clear that right or not, i'd be happier if i didn't snap. so i said sorry instead and tried to be nice, and it worked. ed appreciated that and our argument took a turn for the better after that point.

i think there are so many situations like that, stupid little mundane things that we can make a choice in. we go through things like this countless times each day, at work, in our family, with people we know or don't know. so there's so much opportunity to practice.

personally i find this a great challenge, to be and do good in even the smallest way, so that i don't add to the suffering of anyone or anything. it's hard, and 90% of the time i don't do it, but i try to be encouraged even by the little i manage to do.

i guess some of this dream may have been prompted by reading "advice on dying", one of the Dalai Lama's books. i've been thinking about death a lot lately, and i find that doing so really makes a difference in how i live because it allows me to put things into perspective. i've written about this earlier, but i believe that death is shunned or taboo in our culture, and this is not only unfortunate for those who are dying and find themselves almost ostracized, but also for those who are still living, but live in fear and denial of death. many of us learn the precious lessons that contemplating death teaches us only when it's too late.

so, if you're interested in thinking on death, the book i mentioned above seems a good read (i haven't finished it yet).

so enough about this. i'm afraid that i'll be embarassed about writing all this tomorrow or when i'm in a different state of mind than the one i'm in right now. but what the heck? and anyway, how many people will read this? one or two? so off i am until next time -

peace

my room

last sunday i spent pretty much all day in bed. i really felt i needed to rest and be grounded (literally since my bed is about 2 in off the floor). i slept, read and wrote this:

My Room
-------
silence
peace
a pile of rocks on my make-shift altrar

my room in semi-darkness
deep blood colored sheets ruffled on the bed

mother and child statue
staring at me from accross the room

young jade plant
humbly reminding me of new life

emptiness
vulnerability
quiet, deep-seated sense of power
openness

outside - a yellow sky before the storm
trees waiting quietly
leaves ruslted in the slight breeze

tonight - full moon
stormy night and a full moon.
--------------------------------

after writing this, ed sena and i ended up spending sunday night at our friend dianne's place, on top of a hill, with a great view of the surrounding area. we sat by an old tree whose peaceful energy dianne and i could swear we felt (ed was a bit skeptical), built a bonfire and watch the full moon rise accross the sky. it was really a perfect evening, and a perfect end of the day for me.

on monday i heard an interview with Hugo Chavez, the venezuelan president, who was in NY for a UN summit. it was very interesting to hear him speak, and it was apparently the first time he's been interviewed in the US. he discussed topics such as the war in Iraq, US international policy esp in regards to S.America and the Middle East, and others, so if you're interested you can check out the transcript of the interview at:
http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=05/09/19/1336214&mode=thread&tid=25

peace

me - the pumpkin

the pumpkin is about to burst, i think. i've been feeling all kind of changes - extreme fatigue one day, then full of energy another. lots of different kinds of contractions too.

mostly though, i've been feeling the need to be alone, in silence, and to just open myself up to the energy around me. i've been feeling a really strong need to just sit and connect with the baby. i've been too busy and surrounded by distractions to do this much until now, but finally this past week i just felt an overwhelming need to, so i got some help with sena and was able to spend some time by myself.

this coming sunday, ie tomorrow, is full moon. maybe then the pumpkin will burst. i feel calm and excited about it at the same time. i want to see the baby and i want to go through the process of giving birth again, but then i know that i'll miss being pregnant afterwards so i almost don't want it to happen too soon. this anticipation is really sweet...

peace

asking for help

why is it so hard for some of us to ask for help? i guess part of it is that it makes you feel and seem so vulnerable, and we love to live with the illusions of strength and control over our lives. being raw and vulnerable takes a lot of courage. admitting that you need help requires openness - and being open means being open to everything including to being hurt.
before i go too far with this, what brought it all out?

two weeks ago, a woman i became friends with recently invited me to her place for a party. at the party, she shared with me some very personal stuff. i was taken aback at first, but was impressed with her courage and openness at the same time. she told me how she got post-partum depression after having her first child 8 years ago, and how despite things being really bad at the time, she just could not bring herself to admit it to anyone, or to ask for help. her friends and family would call and ask how she was, and she would say "fine" and make some joke, or try to sound all cheery. she would get off the phone and ball her eyes out, in the company of her new born baby.
now, years later, she just had another baby, a little girl, and her attitude is very different. she actually made a list of people that she can call on when she needs help with the kids, or with cooking, etc. she uses the list quite a bit, and is no longer afraid to admit that she needs help.
she was so amazing to talk to. i am grateful to her for sharing her story - i felt a lot of strength and vulnerability coming from her at the same time.

another friend of mine got hurt (physically) last week. this is a woman who is normally a ball of fire - runs marathons every year, just did a triathlon about a month ago, is in amazing physical shape, and mentally - well, she always seems to have something positive to say. she does everything at the speed of light. i've known her for a few years, and always got the impression that there was something else beneath all this exuberance she is projecting. i felt that a part of her was not allowed to come out. well, last week, after her accident, in shich she bruised a kidney and cracked a rib, she was forced to just stay home, pretty much imobilized and do nothing. this was very hard for her to do, but even harder was calling me and her other friends and admitting that she felt down and needed help. she did it though, and she even came over and we hung out, and i think she felt better afterwards. we were saying how maybe her accident was her body's way of getting her attention and finally holding her still long enough to face some inner spiritual matters that she may have neglected so far.

so after all this, all of a sudden, yeasterday i started feeling really crappy too. i've been feeling great to this point, with the pregnancy and everything, but then yesterday morning there was a change. i felt this overwhelming heaviness, can't say it any better way. physical, mental, emotional, spiritual heaviness. like all i wanted to do is crawl into a cave, by myself, curl up and hibernate. or sit under a tree and meditate. i felt this huge need to be alone and unencumbered by any cares. in reality, of course i had to take care of Sena and do stuff around the house, wait for the UPS guy, visit the midwives, etc. etc. by nighttime i felt exhausted, but i could not fall asleep for a long time, so i woke up this morning feeling the same way. sena seemed to be picking up on my mood and demanded more attention than usual. spilled things on the floor, kept banging into things and hurting herself one way or another, etc. i just felt like i could not handle her, and i felt like crying. i didn't know what to do. but then i remembered my friends, and their willingness to share their situations with me gave me strength and courage. so i picked up the phone and called my friend thomasyn, and told her how i was feeling - i actually asked her to help me, which was hard to do, and very emotional. she said she understood exactly how i feel (she has 3 kids), and she'd be happy to take sena and give me a break for a couple of hours. i felt so relieved and grateful to her right away. i also felt the heaviness lift a little.

so that's my thing for today - writing this down is making me feel lighter too, and since i have to go now, i will end with a poem that i read two days ago in "Spirit of Change"

The Countenance of the Creator
by Lori McGray

if i could choose to do it all again, i wouldn't.
life in a body is too difficult. too complicated.
i would choose something more ephemeral.
i'd rather be etheric.

i am here, so i have chosen this existence.
i have come here to plant peace. to order
chaos. to harmonize dissention. to show
the world the countenence of the creator.

i have come here to love. to open myself
completely. even when it hurts. even
when i'm most bereft.

i have come here to shine a light on loveliness.
to stand before the tree, the bird, the setting
sun and see my soul reflected.

i have come to bow to beauty.
to see the light in everything.
to remember who i am.

Peace

yoga and Rumi

here's a little song that we sing at the end of yoga practice. i think it's beautiful, so i want to share it.

"may the longtime sun
shine upon you
all love surround you
and the pure light within you
guide your way on"

we sing it three times, and each time we dedicate it to someone (known or unknown to us). feels good to project positive energy this way.


and here's a poem from Rumi's "feeling the shoulder of the lion":

The Circle Around Zero

a lover doesn't figure the odds.

he figures he came clean from God
as a gift without reason,
so he gives without cause
or calculation or limit.

a conventionally religious person
behaves a certain way
to achieve salvation.

a lover gambles everything, the self,
the circle around zero! he or she
cuts and throws it all away.

this is beyond
any religion.

lovers do not require from God any proof,
or any text, not do they knock on a door
to make sure this is the right street.

they run,
and they run.

until next time - peace!!

sleepless nights

i've been having some trouble sleeping lately. i think it's a hormonal thing, pregnancy related. it happened before, at the end of my [pregnancy with sena, and i know other women who experienced the same thing. it's odd - i'll feel tired as evening approaches, ready to rest, and then as soon as i hit the bed it seems like i get all this energy, all of a sudden, and i am wide awake. my mind races, and i usually get so excited that i can't just lie there. so i get up and read or write in my journal, or do some cleaning around the apartment. it's actually great having the time to myself at night, but the downside is that i am exhausted in the morning and during the day, and i can barely keep up with sena. things are not that rosy at times like that. i don't like feeling so drained and exhausted, and i feel sorry for sena for not being able to play with her more.

i've noticed something though. i guess the best way to put it is that i noticed that how i feel and how i react to how i feel are two different things. for me, this is an importnat distinction, one i haven't consciously made before. it's importnat bc it takes away a lot of the stress. like for example, when i feel really low in energy and uncomfortable for one reason or another, my automatic reaction seems to be a negative and stressful one. almost like i'm putting all this pressure on myself to do something to change the way i feel. but sometimes that's not realistic. there's nothing i can do at the time to change things. so one day i realized that i don't have to be upset about the way i feel, that i'm just adding to it, and instead if i just acknowledge it without reacting to it, i will end up feeling a lot more peaceful and relaxed. still tired or whatever, but at least mentally i am more at peace, and feel much more positive.

since i've been having this extra time at night, i've been thinking about all sorts of things. the result is that i usually get myself so excited and anxious to share it with someone. mainly, i feel excited about the way things are. just the way they are in general. like the way the seasons reflect on everything around us, on the way plants grow, on our bodies, etc. i just find it all so perfect and reassuring. i get excited thinking about how great it is that with every child that is born, the world starts all over again, and we all have a chance for redemption and renewal.

but then there are also times when i feel really sad and helpless. like when i compare my situation to other peoples'. i am very aware that not everyone goes to bed at night feeling the way i do. i know that there are people out there that have to put their families or friends to bed hungry, ill, in discomfort, and fearing for their safety. these days, i think about iraq. i know that children are dying there right now. i immagine how it is to have your child die and for me this is no longer an abstract thing, or a thing of the mind. now i can feel it in my gut. and i always think how can anything justify that? justify that child dying? i don't care about "facts" and what happened, and who started first, and all of that. i don't even care about right or wrong. i just know that the only thing to do is to stop whatever brings so much suffering to people. it always seems so ironic, and i feel so bitter, when i hear people speak about how "civilized" we are. how can we say that when we, adults, still resolve our conflicts through violence? people have said this many times before, but how can we be at peace, how can we feel good with ourselves, when we know what others like us are going through?

i always feel really helpless at times like these. i just can't come up with anything good that i can do. i realize that my reaction, that of doing something to "save the world" is totally naive and idealistic. i know that i have to be focused on smaller steps, at the local level, that even one act counts, etc. etc. but this is not enought to take away the sadness. sometimes i can really see how people are brought to do desperate acts to attract attention to themselves and the cause they're advocating for. unfortunately no martyr has saved the world so far...

and i also know that this is just how things are - everything has its place in the world, and people's common fate is one of suffering. but still, some things, like losing one's child, just seem too much, especially when it can be prevented.
why can't we respect the agreement that everyone should have the right to safety and certain minimal comforts?

which brings me to the issue of increasing oil prices. it's been a big issue in the news here lately, and i don't mean to be insensitive or negative, but in my opinion it is a good thing that people are finally realizing that the lifestyle they've become accustomed to is just not sustainable (not to mention unfair to those who must pay one way or another to afford others the lifestyle they believe they are "entitled to"). but i won't continue in this vein, bc i can feel myself becoming negative and critical, and i don't like that.

so to end, i will write some quotes that speak to me. i found them in the magazine "the sun", which i've discovered only recently, and read only one issue of, but was very taken with. this magazine has no advertisements, which is a big plus for me, and the writing is "personal, political and provocative" just as they promise.

here are the quotes:

"sometimes snakes can't slogh. they can't burst their old skin. then they go sick and die inside the old skin, and nobody ever sees the new pattern. it needs a real desperate recklessness to burst your old skin at last. you simply don't care what happens to you, if you rip yourself in two, so long as you do get out."
by D.H.Lawrence

"for most of life nothing wonderful happens. if you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a mal with family and friends, then the chances are that you're not going to be very happy. if someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage, or a trip to paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. if on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink, or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness."
by Andy Rooney

i guess that one was pretty obvious and repetitive... still like it though, bc i find it really applicable personally.

"no trumpets sound when the important decisions of our lives are made. destiny is made known silently."
by Agnes de Mille

peace

thinking of Birth and Death on a beautiful day

i love this time of year!
today for example, it's sunny, not too hot (70s F), and dry. i just feel so happy and comfortable.

so much to look forward to also...
soon the leaves will start changing colors, and college students will be coming back to UConn, and there's always so much excitement in the air when that happens, you feel it just by walking around campus.

i like university life a lot. i think it's the attitude of the people. college kids seem much freer than people in "the office". at least in my experience. they seem more open, more willing to explore, to have fun, less concerned with the next morgage payment, the lawn, etc. plus they are learning, and that's always great. not that you need to be in school to be learning, far from it, but it does not hurt.

i love learning and studying things. anthropology has been a main focus over the past few years, but not the only one. i find that my state of mind is one of the few things that can set me free, and so i enjoy anything that helps me think in new ways or just see things in a different light. but nurturing your mind and your spirit takes time and concentration, hence my lack of interest and my ineptitude at things such as taking care of the house.

it's become quite an obsession recently, getting rid of stuff, esp. stuff around the house. the more empty our place is, the more place i feel i have to... breathe? fortunately ed is totally on the same wavelenth, and sena enjoys the open space bc she can ride her tricycle better that way.

with the birth of my second baby approaching, i've found myself inevitably thinking and sometimes dreaming about death. Robbie Davis Floyd, a medical anthropologist, remarked in a paper she wrote that in most western societies (and increasingly in others too) Birth and Death have been taken out of the home and of the personal sphere, and have been institutionalized. they've been relegated to the domain of the "medical" profession. as a result, she argues, people have lost touch with these two fundamental aspects of being human, and have become afraid of them.

i can well see her argument, and mostly agree with it. i see it in myself and the people i speak to. i see it most clearly with Birth - the horrified / accusatory expression the first time i tell someone that i'm planning a homebirth (there are of course supportive and encouraging responses as well). i can tell some people just cannot believe that birth can be safe unless "managed" by medical "authority". doctors in a hospital, with lots of machines, available "just in case..." - that is the vision that puts most people at ease. i think that people have the illusion that things are less likely to go wrong if there are lots of gadgets and machines around. yet they may be surprised to find that statistics in most western contries show better outcomes for homebirths than hospital ones.

but beyond all of this, and more fundamental, is the illusion that somehow our technology will keep us safe, that it will control Nature and tame her.

we are terrified of Death and try to pretend that it will not happen to us or those we love. yet, as many people have said, accepting Death may allow us to live a more meaningful life. it may free us from much of the fear and stress we live with.

i've been having dreams of Death lately. when i have them, i am mostly terrified and wake up with my heart racing.
the last one i had, i told Ed about it. i couldn't make any sense out of it. this woman was dying, and as she did so, she reached her thin, cold hand and put it on my neck. i was so scared, and started screaming for someone to come and help this woman. in the comotion, she, the dying woman, was calm. she didn't speak, just kept reaching her hand to me.

when i told Ed about this dream (he's not into dream interpretation usually), he said that it was clear to him, from the way i explained it, that the woman was actually at peace and trying to communicate to me how she felt through her touch. when he said this i felt like it totally made sense, and that this is what my dream was trying to tell me.

i just feel so much calmer accepting that nothing is ever sure. i love that feeling of abandoning control, of surrendering to the way things are. it's not the same as not caring (for example, if i had any reason to suspect that my pregnancy is not going well, i would plan to go to the hospital. and it's not the same as being fatalistic. there's a suddle difference, and words can only go so far towards explaining it.

i get this clarity every once in a while, in between moments of doubt and fear, and i am grateful for those welcome glimpses.

peace

my sister got married

sena is taking her nap and i am taking advantage of this time to write a little.
i mainly wanted to write about last weekend, the main event of which was that my sister and Ricardo got married. it was a very small affair, really you would not have known it was a wedding unless someone told you, very low key and relaxed, and it turned out really nice. they decided to get married a couple of months ago - went to the justice of the peace last friday, and then drove up to montreal for a little celebration party at ricardo's parents house. if i ever got married this is how i'd want to do it too.

but i kind of like not being married. don't know why, it's just something i have - like i think i am my own person and somehow marriage seems to take something away from that??? i don't understand it, one day i may do more thinking to find the roots of this, but for now i am lucky to feel secure enough in my relationship with ed and in general, to feel happy with my situation without feeling any need to get married.

there was actually a time when i really dreamed of getting married, you know the white dress and the whole big thing. but it was a time when i didn't feel very happy in my life, or maybe not unhappy, just insecure, and i think that i really clung to the idea of the fairytale marriage in hopes that it would somehow make me more complete? well anyway that all passed, and things took their own course, as they always do, and i am happy to realize that i am just happy and don't need any more than what i already have to make me feel complete.

really, it's such a liberating feeling to realize that you are happy just as you are, with what you have. i often tell ed this, and i want to share it with others as well, because it feels overwhelming to be that happy sometimes, but i am afraid that people will think i'm weird so i write it down instead. not that i don't have bad days, or days when i'm down. of course i do. i have days when i just feel like "blah" and nothing seems to matter. when even the trees can't get me out of it. but somehow that always passes, and i come back to the free and happy state i am so grateful, and so lucky, to be used to.

well, anyway, didn't mean to go on about it that way, but things just kind of wrote themselves...

also checked my yahoo account today. wow, more than 200 unread messages, it had definitely been a while since i checked it. but i'll be better about it from now on, so please do write if you want to.

all my best to everyone,
raluca

something nice to share

while i still have easy access to a computer, i just thought i'd share this nice little advice from Carol Bedrosian, publisher of Spirit of Change (a New England magazine):

"take a few minutes each morning to acknowledge the sun. Feel yourself connected to Mother Earth who sustains us all.... Give a smile and let your gratitude flow."

barefoot and pregnant

so many people have a blog these days! i got inspired, so i'll try it too. it may seem silly, especially since ed and i just got rid of our computer at home (now we have a table to eat on instead of just the floor!). how am i ever going to update it? well, i am hoping that when i become a full-time-home-staying mom again i will get some time every once in a while to go to the library and post to it... may be wishful thinking... but i'll try. it would be a nice way to keep in touch with friends and family, to let people know what's going on in "my world".

so this is where i am right now:
i have a few more days left at work, and then i am going on maternity leave. i am about 33 weeks in my pregnancy, so the new baby is coming soon. can't believe this pregnancy has gone by so fast already. i will miss it, it's such a unique state of being...
i'm planning to take at least one year off from work and stay home with Sena and the new baby. we'll see what happens afterwards, it's hard to predict that far in advance.

planning to give birth at home again, and really looking forward to it! i was so high after my last birth experience - i guess i'm expecting something similar this time, despite the fact that i know no two births are ever the same...
i plan to give birth in our little appartment. it would've been nice to have the baby in the house she/he will grow up in, but as it is right now we have't been able to buy a house despite looking for one for months. but it will work out somehow....

and on a different subject:
i've been really getting to appreciate Nature more lately. i feel so lucky for living here and for having the time to enjoy things. there are so many beautiful places around the Mansfield area, with trees, lakes and all kind of Life. sena and i spend a lot of time outdoors, hours every day, either going to a lake, or for a little hike, or just sitting somewhere and looking at the trees (actually i do that mostly by myself while she's sleeping - she usually likes to be more active).

i'm also getting into herbalism - i'm inspired by a book i've been reading, written by rosemary gladstar, on herbal healing. i've been making all kinds of teas and will soon try my own shampoo too. it's really fun, and it will be even more exciting i think when we get a house and i can start a little herb garden.

well, i really hope that this blog thing works out, in terms of keeping connected with people. i don't know what i'm doing at the moment, but hopefuly i'll learn as i go. please excuse the beginner mistakes....
and please write or post to this if you'd like to. i'd love to hear from you!!!

peace,
raluca