beached whale

it's hard for me to believe how big i am! i really feel huge, and i am starting to have a hard time seeing myself as my old self again.... especially when i am in bed at night, it seems so hard to turn from one side to the other or to get up. and i have to get up about 5 times per night just to go to the bathroom. i am starting to appreciate the expression "beached whale" in regards to myself.

fortunately, i am still ok during the day. walking like a duck of course, but other than that normal. i still want to walk and can keep up with sena most of the time.

yesterday was my official due date. i didn't put much credence in that anyway, each woman is different - but i did expect to have this baby a lot sooner, weeks ago. but that's just me thinking i know what's going on. Nature, obviously, works in her own time, and on her own terms. i guess i needed to learn that again. once more, i have to work on letting go of control, and just surrendering to (how should i say this without sounding wacked) a higher wisdom??? this is so crucial especially in the context of giving birth - just let your body do what it's supposed to do, without interfering or controlling. it's difficult though.

on a different subject - we are moving. we were given till the end of this week to move out of our current appartment. we were told we had to, because it's a one bedroom apartment, and we are going to be 4 pewople sleeping in one bedroom, and that, apparently is unnacceptable. it's unnacceptable in this culture for parents to sleep with their infants and small children. even though that's been the practice throughout human history, and still is in most of the rest of the world. not to mention animals. but let me not go off on that path.

well, as you can imagine, this move has been somewhat of a source of stress for me, especially since i am having a homebirth. not much of a home, feels like, as we're being told to leave. but fortunately, we found another place. we decided we'd take it about 2 weeks ago. at the time, ed asked me if i wanted to give birth there, and i said no, because even though it's a nice spot, i am not familiar with it, and that is important to me in labor. but over the past 2 weeks, ed's parents helped us clean it up, and we've been spending more and more time there, moving some things and making it feel more homey. i've also been going there and just sitting, or meditating outside. the place is actually an old house, which someone initially described as "funky". that meant that it looks like it's been though a lot. but it also has character, and now that it's clean, thanks to ed and his parents, the funkiness is all good.

the best thing about our new place are the surroundings. it's located on a 70 acre farm, so all around are fields, woods and just wild space. you can't hear or see any road, so it's extremely peaceful and private. there are some great big trees right by the house, and for me, they do a lot to make me feel good about being there. we can let sena run around w/o worrying about cars or anything like that, we can eat our meals outside, it's that kind of space.

a few days ago i was sitting by an apple tree in front of the house, and i saw wild turkeys, a deer, all kinds of birds, and a groundhog that came almost all the way up to me, until i bowed and scared her away.

yesterday i brought over a stick of cedar and sage and i smudged the house in the Native American tradition. then my midwives came to check up on me, and we sat on a blanket outside, and they felt my belly and the baby right there, as i laid down and looked up at the blue sky. that was really nice. so by the end of the day, with all these experiences, i started to feel a growing connection to the place. i told ed that i thought i was ok giving bith there, and he was excited. my midwives loved the idea too - they liked the vibes of this place a lot more than the one we're currently in. so, today we're moving more of our stuff, and hopefuly tonight will be out 1st night sleeping there.

i am excited about the possibility of giving birth outside, by the apple tree i've been sitting under for the past 2 weeks. we'll have to see though, depending on when labor starts, the weather, how i feel, etc. my midwives were totally open to this idea though, so it may happen.
inshallah.

i wish everyone peace, surrender and love. i wish that everyone can be brought to tears at some time, in a moment of awareness. i wish that i and we can somehow accept each other and come to feel the truth behind the saying : "if you don't see God in all, you don't see God at all" (i think maybe it was Gandhi who said that? not sure though...).