asking for help

why is it so hard for some of us to ask for help? i guess part of it is that it makes you feel and seem so vulnerable, and we love to live with the illusions of strength and control over our lives. being raw and vulnerable takes a lot of courage. admitting that you need help requires openness - and being open means being open to everything including to being hurt.
before i go too far with this, what brought it all out?

two weeks ago, a woman i became friends with recently invited me to her place for a party. at the party, she shared with me some very personal stuff. i was taken aback at first, but was impressed with her courage and openness at the same time. she told me how she got post-partum depression after having her first child 8 years ago, and how despite things being really bad at the time, she just could not bring herself to admit it to anyone, or to ask for help. her friends and family would call and ask how she was, and she would say "fine" and make some joke, or try to sound all cheery. she would get off the phone and ball her eyes out, in the company of her new born baby.
now, years later, she just had another baby, a little girl, and her attitude is very different. she actually made a list of people that she can call on when she needs help with the kids, or with cooking, etc. she uses the list quite a bit, and is no longer afraid to admit that she needs help.
she was so amazing to talk to. i am grateful to her for sharing her story - i felt a lot of strength and vulnerability coming from her at the same time.

another friend of mine got hurt (physically) last week. this is a woman who is normally a ball of fire - runs marathons every year, just did a triathlon about a month ago, is in amazing physical shape, and mentally - well, she always seems to have something positive to say. she does everything at the speed of light. i've known her for a few years, and always got the impression that there was something else beneath all this exuberance she is projecting. i felt that a part of her was not allowed to come out. well, last week, after her accident, in shich she bruised a kidney and cracked a rib, she was forced to just stay home, pretty much imobilized and do nothing. this was very hard for her to do, but even harder was calling me and her other friends and admitting that she felt down and needed help. she did it though, and she even came over and we hung out, and i think she felt better afterwards. we were saying how maybe her accident was her body's way of getting her attention and finally holding her still long enough to face some inner spiritual matters that she may have neglected so far.

so after all this, all of a sudden, yeasterday i started feeling really crappy too. i've been feeling great to this point, with the pregnancy and everything, but then yesterday morning there was a change. i felt this overwhelming heaviness, can't say it any better way. physical, mental, emotional, spiritual heaviness. like all i wanted to do is crawl into a cave, by myself, curl up and hibernate. or sit under a tree and meditate. i felt this huge need to be alone and unencumbered by any cares. in reality, of course i had to take care of Sena and do stuff around the house, wait for the UPS guy, visit the midwives, etc. etc. by nighttime i felt exhausted, but i could not fall asleep for a long time, so i woke up this morning feeling the same way. sena seemed to be picking up on my mood and demanded more attention than usual. spilled things on the floor, kept banging into things and hurting herself one way or another, etc. i just felt like i could not handle her, and i felt like crying. i didn't know what to do. but then i remembered my friends, and their willingness to share their situations with me gave me strength and courage. so i picked up the phone and called my friend thomasyn, and told her how i was feeling - i actually asked her to help me, which was hard to do, and very emotional. she said she understood exactly how i feel (she has 3 kids), and she'd be happy to take sena and give me a break for a couple of hours. i felt so relieved and grateful to her right away. i also felt the heaviness lift a little.

so that's my thing for today - writing this down is making me feel lighter too, and since i have to go now, i will end with a poem that i read two days ago in "Spirit of Change"

The Countenance of the Creator
by Lori McGray

if i could choose to do it all again, i wouldn't.
life in a body is too difficult. too complicated.
i would choose something more ephemeral.
i'd rather be etheric.

i am here, so i have chosen this existence.
i have come here to plant peace. to order
chaos. to harmonize dissention. to show
the world the countenence of the creator.

i have come here to love. to open myself
completely. even when it hurts. even
when i'm most bereft.

i have come here to shine a light on loveliness.
to stand before the tree, the bird, the setting
sun and see my soul reflected.

i have come to bow to beauty.
to see the light in everything.
to remember who i am.

Peace