i love this time of year!
today for example, it's sunny, not too hot (70s F), and dry. i just feel so happy and comfortable.
so much to look forward to also...
soon the leaves will start changing colors, and college students will be coming back to UConn, and there's always so much excitement in the air when that happens, you feel it just by walking around campus.
i like university life a lot. i think it's the attitude of the people. college kids seem much freer than people in "the office". at least in my experience. they seem more open, more willing to explore, to have fun, less concerned with the next morgage payment, the lawn, etc. plus they are learning, and that's always great. not that you need to be in school to be learning, far from it, but it does not hurt.
i love learning and studying things. anthropology has been a main focus over the past few years, but not the only one. i find that my state of mind is one of the few things that can set me free, and so i enjoy anything that helps me think in new ways or just see things in a different light. but nurturing your mind and your spirit takes time and concentration, hence my lack of interest and my ineptitude at things such as taking care of the house.
it's become quite an obsession recently, getting rid of stuff, esp. stuff around the house. the more empty our place is, the more place i feel i have to... breathe? fortunately ed is totally on the same wavelenth, and sena enjoys the open space bc she can ride her tricycle better that way.
with the birth of my second baby approaching, i've found myself inevitably thinking and sometimes dreaming about death. Robbie Davis Floyd, a medical anthropologist, remarked in a paper she wrote that in most western societies (and increasingly in others too) Birth and Death have been taken out of the home and of the personal sphere, and have been institutionalized. they've been relegated to the domain of the "medical" profession. as a result, she argues, people have lost touch with these two fundamental aspects of being human, and have become afraid of them.
i can well see her argument, and mostly agree with it. i see it in myself and the people i speak to. i see it most clearly with Birth - the horrified / accusatory expression the first time i tell someone that i'm planning a homebirth (there are of course supportive and encouraging responses as well). i can tell some people just cannot believe that birth can be safe unless "managed" by medical "authority". doctors in a hospital, with lots of machines, available "just in case..." - that is the vision that puts most people at ease. i think that people have the illusion that things are less likely to go wrong if there are lots of gadgets and machines around. yet they may be surprised to find that statistics in most western contries show better outcomes for homebirths than hospital ones.
but beyond all of this, and more fundamental, is the illusion that somehow our technology will keep us safe, that it will control Nature and tame her.
we are terrified of Death and try to pretend that it will not happen to us or those we love. yet, as many people have said, accepting Death may allow us to live a more meaningful life. it may free us from much of the fear and stress we live with.
i've been having dreams of Death lately. when i have them, i am mostly terrified and wake up with my heart racing.
the last one i had, i told Ed about it. i couldn't make any sense out of it. this woman was dying, and as she did so, she reached her thin, cold hand and put it on my neck. i was so scared, and started screaming for someone to come and help this woman. in the comotion, she, the dying woman, was calm. she didn't speak, just kept reaching her hand to me.
when i told Ed about this dream (he's not into dream interpretation usually), he said that it was clear to him, from the way i explained it, that the woman was actually at peace and trying to communicate to me how she felt through her touch. when he said this i felt like it totally made sense, and that this is what my dream was trying to tell me.
i just feel so much calmer accepting that nothing is ever sure. i love that feeling of abandoning control, of surrendering to the way things are. it's not the same as not caring (for example, if i had any reason to suspect that my pregnancy is not going well, i would plan to go to the hospital. and it's not the same as being fatalistic. there's a suddle difference, and words can only go so far towards explaining it.
i get this clarity every once in a while, in between moments of doubt and fear, and i am grateful for those welcome glimpses.
peace
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