so here are some pics from the big party....
(sena and aiyana and virtually all their friends dressed up as princesses, a theme that's very strong with them these days. grandma made their costumes.)
Monday, October 29, 2007
all dressed up
last friday evening, Mansfield Library held their annual Halloween party, except that this year they decided to celebrate "el dia de los muertos" (the mexican holiday) instead. but the kids still got to dress up, and they experienced a different kind of celebration, which was really cool. they had a mariachi band, mexican snacks, and an altar fit to the occasion. it was really fun. i love Mansfield library for how involved they are in the community. i'm contemplating applying for a job there if i ever decide to go back to work again....
so here are some pics from the big party....
(sena and aiyana and virtually all their friends dressed up as princesses, a theme that's very strong with them these days. grandma made their costumes.)
so here are some pics from the big party....
(sena and aiyana and virtually all their friends dressed up as princesses, a theme that's very strong with them these days. grandma made their costumes.)
Friday, October 26, 2007
living what i wished for?
a few months ago, i wrote in my blog about what my ideal day looked like.
despite the fact that this has happened to me several times in the past, i still find myself surprised to be living what i wished for.
since we came back from our trip to romania, the kids have been amazing. things suddenly feel so much easier (i guess it's all relative though. before kids i would've thought that my life right now is nuts, but now that i know how crazy it can get, i'm thinking this is pretty good...).
i think a bunch of things have converged to make things easier:
sena and aiyana have learned to play toghether for hours at a time, which is really nice bc it frees me up to do stuff like cooking, laundry, or just going to the bathroom by myself (i still don't close the door though, that seems to be an instant cue for them to come in....and if you know our bathroom, you know that to fit 3 people in there, they'd have to sit practically on my lap);
another nice thing that happened lately is that aiyana has become quite skilled at expressing herself verbally, which cuts down on the frustration she experiences being misunderstood, and hence on her whining. i don't do well with whining (kids or adults), so this has been a most welcome development for me.
also, we've all been sleeping well lately. i now wake up before the kids almost every day, and i just lie there between them, relaxing, and enjoying the silence. when we finally get out of bed, they're usually in a good mood, and happy enough to go play on their own while i cook breakfast. so we get to eat a nice breakfast every day, and i make myself a good coffee (i love the coffee making ritual- grinding the beans, boiling the water, watching the cream and coffee swirl together, i swear it's a meditation in its own right); then, i'm ready to take on the day. by this time, i usually feel full of energy, ready to have some fun, and this resonates with the kids, so we all end up having a good time.
i've also been reading some books that helped a lot. you know the stuff i'm into, yoga, spirituality, etc. well, i've read a lot on that over the years, and it's been great in that it helped me become aware of new aspects of myself and the world around me. but most of the time, i forget most of what i read, and i'm just left with a vague sense of something....
i think what i've been looking for, especially since i had kids, is some kind of a practice, something i can incorporate in my daily life as opposed to just interesting thoughts and ideas. these are great too, they inspire me, and i appreciate them, but i want something practical, something i can work with within my current context. a formal yoga practice, for instance, does not work for me, it just does not fit with the kids. neither does sitting meditation, i rarely have that kind of undisturbed time to myself.
but over time, i've come to see my kids as some kind of teachers, and my life with them as a spiritual discipline (they don't hit me with a stick like a zen master might, they just push me to my absolute limit in the way that only the people closest to us can do) .
recently, i also came accross two books that fit nicely in my life: "loving what is" by Byron katie, and "the wisdom of no escape" by Pema Chodron. the first book is helpful bc it gives 4 basic questions i can ask myself whenever something feels wrong, like when i'm angry, depressed, etc. i like this approach bc it does not give fixed answers or a way to be, but leaves it up to me to feel what's right.
the other book, by Pema Chodron, i like a lot bc it's simple, down to earth and funny, and yet very powerful. i like Pema Chodron's style, and i know she comes from a place of joy and sorrow at the same time. i also find her way is one i can practice in my everyday life, wherever i am and whatever i'm doing: that is - bringing my focus back to the moment by paying attention to my outbreath, and labeling my thoughts "thinking". sounds really simple, and of course it's not, but if you feel attracted to it, i'd recommend reading her book to get more insight into the whole thing.
so all of these things i've been trying to describe above have combined in such a way letely, as to make life nice and smooth for me most of the time.
the other day, someone asked ed how i was and he said "she's walking on water"; the person was a little taken aback, maybe not knowing what he meant; but i know, and i think that it sums it all up pretty well for now.
peace
despite the fact that this has happened to me several times in the past, i still find myself surprised to be living what i wished for.
since we came back from our trip to romania, the kids have been amazing. things suddenly feel so much easier (i guess it's all relative though. before kids i would've thought that my life right now is nuts, but now that i know how crazy it can get, i'm thinking this is pretty good...).
i think a bunch of things have converged to make things easier:
sena and aiyana have learned to play toghether for hours at a time, which is really nice bc it frees me up to do stuff like cooking, laundry, or just going to the bathroom by myself (i still don't close the door though, that seems to be an instant cue for them to come in....and if you know our bathroom, you know that to fit 3 people in there, they'd have to sit practically on my lap);
another nice thing that happened lately is that aiyana has become quite skilled at expressing herself verbally, which cuts down on the frustration she experiences being misunderstood, and hence on her whining. i don't do well with whining (kids or adults), so this has been a most welcome development for me.
also, we've all been sleeping well lately. i now wake up before the kids almost every day, and i just lie there between them, relaxing, and enjoying the silence. when we finally get out of bed, they're usually in a good mood, and happy enough to go play on their own while i cook breakfast. so we get to eat a nice breakfast every day, and i make myself a good coffee (i love the coffee making ritual- grinding the beans, boiling the water, watching the cream and coffee swirl together, i swear it's a meditation in its own right); then, i'm ready to take on the day. by this time, i usually feel full of energy, ready to have some fun, and this resonates with the kids, so we all end up having a good time.
i've also been reading some books that helped a lot. you know the stuff i'm into, yoga, spirituality, etc. well, i've read a lot on that over the years, and it's been great in that it helped me become aware of new aspects of myself and the world around me. but most of the time, i forget most of what i read, and i'm just left with a vague sense of something....
i think what i've been looking for, especially since i had kids, is some kind of a practice, something i can incorporate in my daily life as opposed to just interesting thoughts and ideas. these are great too, they inspire me, and i appreciate them, but i want something practical, something i can work with within my current context. a formal yoga practice, for instance, does not work for me, it just does not fit with the kids. neither does sitting meditation, i rarely have that kind of undisturbed time to myself.
but over time, i've come to see my kids as some kind of teachers, and my life with them as a spiritual discipline (they don't hit me with a stick like a zen master might, they just push me to my absolute limit in the way that only the people closest to us can do) .
recently, i also came accross two books that fit nicely in my life: "loving what is" by Byron katie, and "the wisdom of no escape" by Pema Chodron. the first book is helpful bc it gives 4 basic questions i can ask myself whenever something feels wrong, like when i'm angry, depressed, etc. i like this approach bc it does not give fixed answers or a way to be, but leaves it up to me to feel what's right.
the other book, by Pema Chodron, i like a lot bc it's simple, down to earth and funny, and yet very powerful. i like Pema Chodron's style, and i know she comes from a place of joy and sorrow at the same time. i also find her way is one i can practice in my everyday life, wherever i am and whatever i'm doing: that is - bringing my focus back to the moment by paying attention to my outbreath, and labeling my thoughts "thinking". sounds really simple, and of course it's not, but if you feel attracted to it, i'd recommend reading her book to get more insight into the whole thing.
so all of these things i've been trying to describe above have combined in such a way letely, as to make life nice and smooth for me most of the time.
the other day, someone asked ed how i was and he said "she's walking on water"; the person was a little taken aback, maybe not knowing what he meant; but i know, and i think that it sums it all up pretty well for now.
peace
Monday, October 22, 2007
rock-and-roll, and coffee in the morning
that's how my day started, and it was enough to get me really high. the kids felt it too, and they caught some of it, as if it were contagious. i had julia this morning, and she and aiyana were moving their little bodies to the rythm of the music (they seemed to like radiohead and the beatles), while sena did her own thing, reading on the couch; i sat at the table, half eating, half dancing.
yesterday evening, i went to check if the chickens laid any eggs (we get 5-6 per day now). as i came out of the house, i noticed that the sun was setting to my right, and the moon rising to my left. i just stood there a few minutes, taking it in. it all felt very personal, as if everything around me, the sun, the moon, the breeze, the soft lighting, were happening just for me. got that feeling of too much sweetness once again, and eventually went back into the house to do some cooking. made a really good pumpkin pie, actually only the filling cuz that's my favorite.
so things are going well. it feels like some big changes are about to happen for us as a family (as far as our house, ed's job, etc), but all is up in the air right now. sometimes it feels like i'm about to get sweeped up in worry and anxiety because of the uncertainty of everything, but i've become pretty skilled at catching myself and pulling myself out of it when that happens. basically i remind myself to just be where i am, to breathe and to get out of my head. i try to take things one moment at a time. i find i make better decisions that way. this, of course, does not come naturally to me, what comes naturally is getting caught in spirals of anxiety and fear; but if i remember, and i catch myself, things work out pretty well.
peace
yesterday evening, i went to check if the chickens laid any eggs (we get 5-6 per day now). as i came out of the house, i noticed that the sun was setting to my right, and the moon rising to my left. i just stood there a few minutes, taking it in. it all felt very personal, as if everything around me, the sun, the moon, the breeze, the soft lighting, were happening just for me. got that feeling of too much sweetness once again, and eventually went back into the house to do some cooking. made a really good pumpkin pie, actually only the filling cuz that's my favorite.
so things are going well. it feels like some big changes are about to happen for us as a family (as far as our house, ed's job, etc), but all is up in the air right now. sometimes it feels like i'm about to get sweeped up in worry and anxiety because of the uncertainty of everything, but i've become pretty skilled at catching myself and pulling myself out of it when that happens. basically i remind myself to just be where i am, to breathe and to get out of my head. i try to take things one moment at a time. i find i make better decisions that way. this, of course, does not come naturally to me, what comes naturally is getting caught in spirals of anxiety and fear; but if i remember, and i catch myself, things work out pretty well.
peace
Friday, October 19, 2007
the intersection of Rumi and quantum physics: what does it have to do with me?
that is what this movie that i saw last night is about. it is called "what the bleep do we know?", and it's very thought provoking, to say the least. watching it made me feel elated. i also found it very applicable to every day life...
so i strongly recommend it (esp if you're drawn to physics, neuroscience, spirituality, and most importantly to the ways they intersect). i also want to say that there are some silly parts in it, but i found them insignificant by comparison to what i got out of it.
here's a quote along the theme of the movie:
"Everything you see has its roots in the unseen world. The forms may change, yet the essence remains the same. Every wonderful sight will vanish; every sweet word will fade, But do not be disheartened, The source they come from is eternal, growing, Branching out, giving new life and new joy. Why do you weep? The source is within you And this whole world is springing up from it." - Jelauddin Rumi
so i strongly recommend it (esp if you're drawn to physics, neuroscience, spirituality, and most importantly to the ways they intersect). i also want to say that there are some silly parts in it, but i found them insignificant by comparison to what i got out of it.
here's a quote along the theme of the movie:
"Everything you see has its roots in the unseen world. The forms may change, yet the essence remains the same. Every wonderful sight will vanish; every sweet word will fade, But do not be disheartened, The source they come from is eternal, growing, Branching out, giving new life and new joy. Why do you weep? The source is within you And this whole world is springing up from it." - Jelauddin Rumi
Monday, October 15, 2007
can't help but post these
you're probably sick of my ramblings about fall...
i can't help it though, i just love it so much. last saturday, the girls and i had another beautiful day, where nothing exceptional happened, but each moment felt delicious...
in the afternoon, i was cooking, and aiyana sat down on the kitchen floor reading her book; she was so cute (also a bit disheveled, cuz we were just dancing pretty hard just before...)
i can't help it though, i just love it so much. last saturday, the girls and i had another beautiful day, where nothing exceptional happened, but each moment felt delicious...
in the afternoon, i was cooking, and aiyana sat down on the kitchen floor reading her book; she was so cute (also a bit disheveled, cuz we were just dancing pretty hard just before...)
comfortable chair
when i was visiting my grandmother, bunica, in the nursing home in romania, i experienced a strong sensation of loss. for a short while, it was as if i lived vicariously through these old people i saw confined in there. i felt darkness creep inside of me, a yucky, murky feeling i can't describe very well. i didn't like it, and couldn't wait to get out of there.
i felt that these people had lost almost everything they may have used to build their identities around: material posesions, social status, relationships, in many cases even their families. this reminded me of a song by ani defranco, "back, back, back" (off "to the teeth"), particularly the part about the comfortable chair:
"who are these old old old people
in these nursing homes
scowling away at nothing
like big rag dolls just cursing at the walls
and pulling out all of their stuffing
every day is a door leading back to the core
yes, old age will distill you
and if you're this this this full of bitterness now
some day it will just fill you
when you sit right down in the middle of yourself
you're gonna wanna have a comfortable chair
so renovate your soul before you get too old
cuz you're gonna be housebound there
when you're old you fold up like an envelope
and you mail yourself right inside
and there's nowhere to go
except out real slow
are you ready, boy, for that ride?"
i think that the loss i witnessed when visiting bunica happens to everyone, whether they're confined to a nursing home or not. i'm hoping though, that if you can somehow still manage to laugh and enjoy the little things that come along each day, the slow unraveling of your identity and of everything you've worked so hard to build won't matter so much....
i feel that loss happens continually, whether you're old or young or whatever you situation may be. there are always plenty of things to get hung up on and suffer over - and the only way i know around this is actually not around it at all, but rather through it, with a certain attitude.
"tell me boy boy boy are you tending to your joy
or are you just letting it vanquish?"
....
(more from ani defranco)
i felt that these people had lost almost everything they may have used to build their identities around: material posesions, social status, relationships, in many cases even their families. this reminded me of a song by ani defranco, "back, back, back" (off "to the teeth"), particularly the part about the comfortable chair:
"who are these old old old people
in these nursing homes
scowling away at nothing
like big rag dolls just cursing at the walls
and pulling out all of their stuffing
every day is a door leading back to the core
yes, old age will distill you
and if you're this this this full of bitterness now
some day it will just fill you
when you sit right down in the middle of yourself
you're gonna wanna have a comfortable chair
so renovate your soul before you get too old
cuz you're gonna be housebound there
when you're old you fold up like an envelope
and you mail yourself right inside
and there's nowhere to go
except out real slow
are you ready, boy, for that ride?"
i think that the loss i witnessed when visiting bunica happens to everyone, whether they're confined to a nursing home or not. i'm hoping though, that if you can somehow still manage to laugh and enjoy the little things that come along each day, the slow unraveling of your identity and of everything you've worked so hard to build won't matter so much....
i feel that loss happens continually, whether you're old or young or whatever you situation may be. there are always plenty of things to get hung up on and suffer over - and the only way i know around this is actually not around it at all, but rather through it, with a certain attitude.
"tell me boy boy boy are you tending to your joy
or are you just letting it vanquish?"
....
(more from ani defranco)
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
a beautiful day
yesterday, i felt so amazing the entire day. the girls and i went hiking at Bakerwoods, a little farm close to where we live. the autumn scenery was so spectacular, that it stayed with me even after we left the farm. when we lay down for a nap in the afternoon, i closed my eyes and i could see still see and feel autumn inside me: the soft quality of the light, the rich colors, the smell of damp fallen leaves.
here are some pics from our day.
here are some pics from our day.
happy birthday
(mon oct 8th)
today are my dad's and cousin's birthays. happy birthday and all my best to them.
this fall is so beautiful. on the way home from the library with the kids today, i took a detour down this pretty road i know, with spectacular views of a river winding through the woods. i was driving so slow, just looking at everything (fortunately, there were no other cars), and it was even more beautiful than i had hoped. i felt like i missed every other fall in the past, like i was witnessing the colors and smells of leaves and damp earth for the first time. yet, even with all that, i felt like i could only let myself go into it so far. i felt like there was some kind of wall inside of me that made it very hard to surrender and enjoy it ccompletely. i've noticed this feeling in other situations, both pleasant and unlpleasant. i'm surprised about the pleasant ones: why should i experience resistance to beauty and joy? it's almost like i'm afraid of too much happiness, afraid of losing control maybe? i just finished "the power of now" by eckhart tolle, and i guess he'd say that what i'm experiencing is the ego trying to maintain control, afraid that it will disolve if it lets go. maybe that's true, i don't know, i want to figure out what's true for me.
so this thing i'm talking about is hard to describe - it feels like a resistance to fully enjoying whatever it is in front of me. i feel like i'm enjoying things mostly on a mental level, and then beyond that something stops me. like if i look at a tree, i'll think of how beautiful the leaves are, and how the branches entertwine so gracefuly and i'll hear and feel the breeze and think of how great it is, but it still feels like everything is mostly happening in my head, like everything needs to be put in words, qualified through language. i feel a strong desire to go beyond that, to not qualify my experience, not to only think of it, to experience it more fully. that's when the resistance comes in, and with it, sometimes, frustration.
i'm playing with all of this right now, practicing both with things i enjoy and those i don't. in the meantime, i just thought i'd share.
today are my dad's and cousin's birthays. happy birthday and all my best to them.
this fall is so beautiful. on the way home from the library with the kids today, i took a detour down this pretty road i know, with spectacular views of a river winding through the woods. i was driving so slow, just looking at everything (fortunately, there were no other cars), and it was even more beautiful than i had hoped. i felt like i missed every other fall in the past, like i was witnessing the colors and smells of leaves and damp earth for the first time. yet, even with all that, i felt like i could only let myself go into it so far. i felt like there was some kind of wall inside of me that made it very hard to surrender and enjoy it ccompletely. i've noticed this feeling in other situations, both pleasant and unlpleasant. i'm surprised about the pleasant ones: why should i experience resistance to beauty and joy? it's almost like i'm afraid of too much happiness, afraid of losing control maybe? i just finished "the power of now" by eckhart tolle, and i guess he'd say that what i'm experiencing is the ego trying to maintain control, afraid that it will disolve if it lets go. maybe that's true, i don't know, i want to figure out what's true for me.
so this thing i'm talking about is hard to describe - it feels like a resistance to fully enjoying whatever it is in front of me. i feel like i'm enjoying things mostly on a mental level, and then beyond that something stops me. like if i look at a tree, i'll think of how beautiful the leaves are, and how the branches entertwine so gracefuly and i'll hear and feel the breeze and think of how great it is, but it still feels like everything is mostly happening in my head, like everything needs to be put in words, qualified through language. i feel a strong desire to go beyond that, to not qualify my experience, not to only think of it, to experience it more fully. that's when the resistance comes in, and with it, sometimes, frustration.
i'm playing with all of this right now, practicing both with things i enjoy and those i don't. in the meantime, i just thought i'd share.
Monday, October 08, 2007
columbus day?
i'm having a hard time understanding why columbus day is still being observed as a holiday here in the US. to say that there are many conflicted feelings about this day, and esp. about it being celebrated as a holiday, is an understatement. i know many people that consider it more appropriate to grieve than to celebrate today.
but probably the majority of people are just going about, doing their thing, not giving columbus much thought at all. so maybe what we should be doing is reconsider the whole thing: columbus and his legacy, and any feelings that come up for us.
peace
but probably the majority of people are just going about, doing their thing, not giving columbus much thought at all. so maybe what we should be doing is reconsider the whole thing: columbus and his legacy, and any feelings that come up for us.
peace
Friday, October 05, 2007
it's aiyana's birthday, but this is mostly about me
aiyana's second birthday today. she's so sweet and crazy, and makes me so happy.
i've been having a weird couple of days. after we came back from romania, i was high, things were going so well and i felt so clear, so alive and inspired. but the past ouple of days have been quite different. i'm tryin to figureg out what it is, but it's not clear. i just have this vague feeling of unease, and discomfort. part of it, i think is being caught up in my past. it's just so hard to let go of that sometime! (although kids are really good at bringing your attention back to the moment, thank god for that).
another thing that bothers me is that i know that i am still running after people's approval. certain people more than others - but i'm just disappointed that this is still a driving force in my life. approval of all kinds: for who i am as a person, for how i look and how i cook and how clean my toilet is, etc. i know that most people deal with this on some level, but it still gets to me.
yesterday was a hard day. i was wih the kids and they were mostly great. but i was in this mood and it seemed like i was picking every oportunity i could to get frustrated and upset at them. it felt like when you're driving a car and the stirring wheel is pulling to one side. you have to apply constant effort to straighten it, and even then the car doesn't really go srtaight. i snapped at them so many times, it was exhausting, not to mention that i accumulated enough guilt for a lifetime.
this morning my sister took the kids and i had time off. i was looking fwd to this all week, but my time alone actually ended up being unsatisfactory and more of a source of frustration, because of my underlying mood. i feel like i just don't know what to do with myself. i feel like i am missing the kids, at least when i'm with them they give me a sense of direction. (if i can keep myself from snapping at them).
i've also been having some weird dreams lately, in which i felt frustrated and sad (same emotions i'm experiencing during the day) at people from my past. i felt like i was trying to communicate with them, but my messages were either not being heard or being missinterpreted. in one dream, one girl from my elementary school in romania, someone i liked and envied at the same time, came in the room in a wheel chair, pushed by her grandmother. she was obviously very sick, her body all shrivelled up and her mind gone. i looked at her, my old friend and rival, bc we always used to compete w each other, who used to be so tough, now in such a state. i smiled a sad smile, and i knew that's not what she wanted. she got really rowdy, and her grandmother was very embarrased by her behavior. then she peed right in the middle of the room, in front of me and everyone else there. i felt so sad for her, and for me, because all my life i defined myself in terms of this girl, in terms of our competition, and now i saw that that was meaningless.i feel like this dream was a very positive one, in the sense that it made me stop and feel what is real, feel myself outside of the identity i created through her and other people. but still, i feel sad and lost.
i know i'm rambling on, but i do feel better for doing so. and maybe someone else will too. sometimes i like seeing people deal with their shit, makes me feel more connected and more sane in my own struggles. i consider myself a very lucky person, and as i always say i am grateful for my life. but i'd never want to give the impression that it's all smiles and sunny days. that's not my reality. despite my daily practice to stay real, i often find myself so far away from where i think i should be, from who i think i should be (and even saying that makes me feel stupid). i often feel frustrated, let down, sad, all of that, along with the joy and elation of being alive.
i think i've said enough for now,
i've said enough for now. i think i'm just going to sit here and look at the trees, and listen to the chickens dig for warms through the fallen leaves, and wait for my kids to get home.
peace
i've been having a weird couple of days. after we came back from romania, i was high, things were going so well and i felt so clear, so alive and inspired. but the past ouple of days have been quite different. i'm tryin to figureg out what it is, but it's not clear. i just have this vague feeling of unease, and discomfort. part of it, i think is being caught up in my past. it's just so hard to let go of that sometime! (although kids are really good at bringing your attention back to the moment, thank god for that).
another thing that bothers me is that i know that i am still running after people's approval. certain people more than others - but i'm just disappointed that this is still a driving force in my life. approval of all kinds: for who i am as a person, for how i look and how i cook and how clean my toilet is, etc. i know that most people deal with this on some level, but it still gets to me.
yesterday was a hard day. i was wih the kids and they were mostly great. but i was in this mood and it seemed like i was picking every oportunity i could to get frustrated and upset at them. it felt like when you're driving a car and the stirring wheel is pulling to one side. you have to apply constant effort to straighten it, and even then the car doesn't really go srtaight. i snapped at them so many times, it was exhausting, not to mention that i accumulated enough guilt for a lifetime.
this morning my sister took the kids and i had time off. i was looking fwd to this all week, but my time alone actually ended up being unsatisfactory and more of a source of frustration, because of my underlying mood. i feel like i just don't know what to do with myself. i feel like i am missing the kids, at least when i'm with them they give me a sense of direction. (if i can keep myself from snapping at them).
i've also been having some weird dreams lately, in which i felt frustrated and sad (same emotions i'm experiencing during the day) at people from my past. i felt like i was trying to communicate with them, but my messages were either not being heard or being missinterpreted. in one dream, one girl from my elementary school in romania, someone i liked and envied at the same time, came in the room in a wheel chair, pushed by her grandmother. she was obviously very sick, her body all shrivelled up and her mind gone. i looked at her, my old friend and rival, bc we always used to compete w each other, who used to be so tough, now in such a state. i smiled a sad smile, and i knew that's not what she wanted. she got really rowdy, and her grandmother was very embarrased by her behavior. then she peed right in the middle of the room, in front of me and everyone else there. i felt so sad for her, and for me, because all my life i defined myself in terms of this girl, in terms of our competition, and now i saw that that was meaningless.i feel like this dream was a very positive one, in the sense that it made me stop and feel what is real, feel myself outside of the identity i created through her and other people. but still, i feel sad and lost.
i know i'm rambling on, but i do feel better for doing so. and maybe someone else will too. sometimes i like seeing people deal with their shit, makes me feel more connected and more sane in my own struggles. i consider myself a very lucky person, and as i always say i am grateful for my life. but i'd never want to give the impression that it's all smiles and sunny days. that's not my reality. despite my daily practice to stay real, i often find myself so far away from where i think i should be, from who i think i should be (and even saying that makes me feel stupid). i often feel frustrated, let down, sad, all of that, along with the joy and elation of being alive.
i think i've said enough for now,
i've said enough for now. i think i'm just going to sit here and look at the trees, and listen to the chickens dig for warms through the fallen leaves, and wait for my kids to get home.
peace
i like these
ed took these two pictures at bran castle.
the first one is a display showing princess ileana (the last princess to live in the castle) and some of her belongings. ed caught my reflection in the mirror, at a moment when i was quite absorbed in looking at the princess' portrait. something about her really connected with me. i also like how many layers there are to this picture.
ed also got this stairwell while we were visiting the castle.
the first one is a display showing princess ileana (the last princess to live in the castle) and some of her belongings. ed caught my reflection in the mirror, at a moment when i was quite absorbed in looking at the princess' portrait. something about her really connected with me. i also like how many layers there are to this picture.
ed also got this stairwell while we were visiting the castle.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
more about our trip to romania
back from romania, it feels like we've been gone a lot longer than two weeks. maybe it's because we got to experience and do a lot of things. in any case, it feels really good to be back. after the dust and crowds of bucharest (which i actually appreciated in their own way), i feel incredibly lucky and grateful to be living where i am. i'm glad to be back to my trees and birds which i love so much, glad to be back to clean open space.
but back to romania: our trip had a pretty rough start. our flight was delayed by about 8 hrs, and when we finally arrived in bucharest, 21hrs after leaving home, we were all exhausted and in bad spirits. i felt depressed with everything i saw. fortunately, i remembered that this is how i felt the last time i went there too, and that eventually it got better, so this kept me from spinning too far off into my emotions.
after spening way too much time in airports, in boston and milan, which was neither fun nor easy wih 2 small, sleep-deprived kids, when we finally arrived in bucharest, in the middle of the night, we couldn't figure out how to unlock my grandma's door (it has 3 different locks on it). we were just about to head to a hotel somewhere, when some kind neighbors happened to pass by and helped us get in. by this time, we were all beyond exhaustion. once in my grandma's apartment, we discovered that there was no running water in the bathroom. we all had to go to the toilet, and also, it would've been nice to wash a little - airplanes make me feel so nasty....
anyway, we worked with the bathroom situation as best as we could, and then proceeded to making sleeping arrangements on the floor. my grandma has a pretty big bed in her 1 room apartment, but it's broken and there's no way we could've slept there with the kids. we finally worked something out with blankets and our 2 sleeping mats.
when we finally lay down, i felt very depressed. sena fell asleep right away, and ed and i would've too, but aiyana kept waking us up every ten minutes or so. she was really upset about being in a foreign place and kept saying: "me, mama, dada, bug (sena) - house". which means that she wanted all of us to go back to our house. this went on for what seemed like hours, by which time i actually felt a little better than before having given up hope for improvement. finally we all fell asleep, exhausted.
next morning, i felt a million times better. it's amazing what sleep can do. things seemed totally diferent from the night before. the toilet didn't bother me nearly as much now, and i felt excited about being in bucharest and the things i planned to do. that first morning, ed stayed with the kids while they slept, and i went out for half an hour or so to change money and get some food. my little outing put me in a great mood. it was fun to be in the city and experience its energy - i enjoyed seeing all the people going their different ways; the cars, buses and trams; the pastry shops; and the general feel of busy life.
our trip felt much better after that morning, so much so that i was sad when it was time to leave. we spent half our trip in bucharest, and the other half around moeciu de sus, a little vilage in the mountains, about 3 hrs from bucharest.
while in the city, i spent almost every day visiting my grandmothers. both of then are doing well, better than i expected. mamaia had a small stroke a few months ago, but she seems to have recovered almost completely. she's still living in her apartment, taking care of herself and doing everything she used to do. she does have a little trouble walking, so when she gets out now, she stays close to her house. fortunately there are lots of stores in the neighborhood, so she doesn't have to go far for anything. she also gets help from some of our relatives once a week. i think that for her age (92) she's doing really well.
bunica's case is a little sadder. she, too was sick a few months ago, and she also recovered well. unfortunately, after her sickness, she couldn't really be by herself anymore, and ended up in some kind of nursing home. it's no secret that she hates it there and wants out. when i visited her, i could see why. the conditions are good as far as cleanliness, food, and the fact that there is help and care if needed. but other than that, the place is totally depressing. if you have any awareness left, i can't see how anyone would not go crazy in there. the place is really small, and there's nothing to do other than eat and sleep. bunica told me that she reads a lot, but she's sick of reading all day long, and her eyes are also getting weaker, so she's having a hard time. they're not allowed to leave the building unless someone comes to take them out, but bunica doesn't have anyone, so she's always in there. i guess they have a small open-air patio, but to me that's no replacement for being outside. bunica's always been very independent and very spirited, so i can see how for her this is hell. when i visited her she was doing well, but she complained bitterly about being in there. i noticed that her memory, esp. short term is really bad though. like for instance she'd ask me how many kids i have, their names and ages, and then, 10 minutes later she'd ask again. this makes her prospects of living back at her apartment quite bad, since she has a gas stove that she can easily leave on, forget, and cause a bad accident. so that's a problem, but i'm hoping that if she does get out, she'll accept someone to live with her so that stuff like that can be avoided.
the last day i visited bunica, i felt very emotional. when i went in, she was in the dining room along with 10 or so other women and one man, all eating. they had 2 younger women helping them. the first thing i noticed is how those 2 women, the staff, treated all the elderly as if they were dumb. i found it totally disrespectful and depressing. the way they were speaking to them and to each other made me really sad. then, just seeing these old people eating together yet so clearly alone, made me want to cry. the TV was blaring right in their faces, yet nobody seemed to be paying attention. they were all looking down, quietly eating. one old woman, sitting near the door, was having a hard time eating by herself. one of the staff was feeding her, but i found the way she did this very mechanical, and lacking in kindness. she kept shoving huge pieces of food in the old woman's mouth and pushed her to swallow when she was having a hard time doing so. i just didn't feel any compassion coming through their interaction. bunica was on the far end of the room from me, and she ate in silence, rarely looking up. once she glanced in my direction, but she didn't see me, and she quickly looked back down. by the time they finished eating, an old benny hill episode was playing on TV. it just seemed so out of place, with benny hill trying to pinch some almost-naked, young woman's breast or butt. nobody was laughing except the audience on tv. finally, one of the staff told bunica i was there and pointed twds me, and bunica's face lit up. i had a hardtime holding my tears. she just seemed so grateful to have me there. i sat next to her, and we talked. she introduced me to old man sitting next to her. he was very happy to meet me too. it's almost like they came to life when i got there, they seemed so much to want to talk and interact. both of them, it turns out, have really bad short-term memories. they kept asking me the same things over and over, but it was kind of funny, because every time i answered, the same answer i had given just 5 minutes before, they would get so genuinely excited all over again. it was totally fresh for them. the old man could not get over the fact that i had come all the way from the US, and even though i told him 3 times, each time he was as genuinely pleased as the time before, his face lighting up with a dreamy look in his eyes. when he asked me when i would come visit again, i said that maybe in one year, and he looked so stricken, but then i told him again that i had to come all the way from the US, and then he understood.
my best hope for bunica is that she can come out of this place, back to her apartment, and accept someone to be with her and help her with stuff like the stove, shopping, going up and down stairs, etc.
other than visiting mamaia and bunica in bucharest, we took a 4-day-trip to the countryside, which i spoke about in my last posting.
after that, we spent another 3 days in bucharest, and i enjoyed them a lot. i kind of wish i had more time to myself while there - i would've liked to take in the city vibe on my own, w/o kids, but it didn't work out that way. actually even with the kids we got to walk around, enjoy the crowds, the little shops, all of that, but it was different bc they got tired of walking or being in the stroller really quick, and wanted to go to the park.
all in all, i feel that it was a good trip. i was actually sad leaving bucharest, wishing i had had 1 more week there. but then, on returning home, i felt grateful to be back, so it's all good.
peace
but back to romania: our trip had a pretty rough start. our flight was delayed by about 8 hrs, and when we finally arrived in bucharest, 21hrs after leaving home, we were all exhausted and in bad spirits. i felt depressed with everything i saw. fortunately, i remembered that this is how i felt the last time i went there too, and that eventually it got better, so this kept me from spinning too far off into my emotions.
after spening way too much time in airports, in boston and milan, which was neither fun nor easy wih 2 small, sleep-deprived kids, when we finally arrived in bucharest, in the middle of the night, we couldn't figure out how to unlock my grandma's door (it has 3 different locks on it). we were just about to head to a hotel somewhere, when some kind neighbors happened to pass by and helped us get in. by this time, we were all beyond exhaustion. once in my grandma's apartment, we discovered that there was no running water in the bathroom. we all had to go to the toilet, and also, it would've been nice to wash a little - airplanes make me feel so nasty....
anyway, we worked with the bathroom situation as best as we could, and then proceeded to making sleeping arrangements on the floor. my grandma has a pretty big bed in her 1 room apartment, but it's broken and there's no way we could've slept there with the kids. we finally worked something out with blankets and our 2 sleeping mats.
when we finally lay down, i felt very depressed. sena fell asleep right away, and ed and i would've too, but aiyana kept waking us up every ten minutes or so. she was really upset about being in a foreign place and kept saying: "me, mama, dada, bug (sena) - house". which means that she wanted all of us to go back to our house. this went on for what seemed like hours, by which time i actually felt a little better than before having given up hope for improvement. finally we all fell asleep, exhausted.
next morning, i felt a million times better. it's amazing what sleep can do. things seemed totally diferent from the night before. the toilet didn't bother me nearly as much now, and i felt excited about being in bucharest and the things i planned to do. that first morning, ed stayed with the kids while they slept, and i went out for half an hour or so to change money and get some food. my little outing put me in a great mood. it was fun to be in the city and experience its energy - i enjoyed seeing all the people going their different ways; the cars, buses and trams; the pastry shops; and the general feel of busy life.
our trip felt much better after that morning, so much so that i was sad when it was time to leave. we spent half our trip in bucharest, and the other half around moeciu de sus, a little vilage in the mountains, about 3 hrs from bucharest.
while in the city, i spent almost every day visiting my grandmothers. both of then are doing well, better than i expected. mamaia had a small stroke a few months ago, but she seems to have recovered almost completely. she's still living in her apartment, taking care of herself and doing everything she used to do. she does have a little trouble walking, so when she gets out now, she stays close to her house. fortunately there are lots of stores in the neighborhood, so she doesn't have to go far for anything. she also gets help from some of our relatives once a week. i think that for her age (92) she's doing really well.
bunica's case is a little sadder. she, too was sick a few months ago, and she also recovered well. unfortunately, after her sickness, she couldn't really be by herself anymore, and ended up in some kind of nursing home. it's no secret that she hates it there and wants out. when i visited her, i could see why. the conditions are good as far as cleanliness, food, and the fact that there is help and care if needed. but other than that, the place is totally depressing. if you have any awareness left, i can't see how anyone would not go crazy in there. the place is really small, and there's nothing to do other than eat and sleep. bunica told me that she reads a lot, but she's sick of reading all day long, and her eyes are also getting weaker, so she's having a hard time. they're not allowed to leave the building unless someone comes to take them out, but bunica doesn't have anyone, so she's always in there. i guess they have a small open-air patio, but to me that's no replacement for being outside. bunica's always been very independent and very spirited, so i can see how for her this is hell. when i visited her she was doing well, but she complained bitterly about being in there. i noticed that her memory, esp. short term is really bad though. like for instance she'd ask me how many kids i have, their names and ages, and then, 10 minutes later she'd ask again. this makes her prospects of living back at her apartment quite bad, since she has a gas stove that she can easily leave on, forget, and cause a bad accident. so that's a problem, but i'm hoping that if she does get out, she'll accept someone to live with her so that stuff like that can be avoided.
the last day i visited bunica, i felt very emotional. when i went in, she was in the dining room along with 10 or so other women and one man, all eating. they had 2 younger women helping them. the first thing i noticed is how those 2 women, the staff, treated all the elderly as if they were dumb. i found it totally disrespectful and depressing. the way they were speaking to them and to each other made me really sad. then, just seeing these old people eating together yet so clearly alone, made me want to cry. the TV was blaring right in their faces, yet nobody seemed to be paying attention. they were all looking down, quietly eating. one old woman, sitting near the door, was having a hard time eating by herself. one of the staff was feeding her, but i found the way she did this very mechanical, and lacking in kindness. she kept shoving huge pieces of food in the old woman's mouth and pushed her to swallow when she was having a hard time doing so. i just didn't feel any compassion coming through their interaction. bunica was on the far end of the room from me, and she ate in silence, rarely looking up. once she glanced in my direction, but she didn't see me, and she quickly looked back down. by the time they finished eating, an old benny hill episode was playing on TV. it just seemed so out of place, with benny hill trying to pinch some almost-naked, young woman's breast or butt. nobody was laughing except the audience on tv. finally, one of the staff told bunica i was there and pointed twds me, and bunica's face lit up. i had a hardtime holding my tears. she just seemed so grateful to have me there. i sat next to her, and we talked. she introduced me to old man sitting next to her. he was very happy to meet me too. it's almost like they came to life when i got there, they seemed so much to want to talk and interact. both of them, it turns out, have really bad short-term memories. they kept asking me the same things over and over, but it was kind of funny, because every time i answered, the same answer i had given just 5 minutes before, they would get so genuinely excited all over again. it was totally fresh for them. the old man could not get over the fact that i had come all the way from the US, and even though i told him 3 times, each time he was as genuinely pleased as the time before, his face lighting up with a dreamy look in his eyes. when he asked me when i would come visit again, i said that maybe in one year, and he looked so stricken, but then i told him again that i had to come all the way from the US, and then he understood.
my best hope for bunica is that she can come out of this place, back to her apartment, and accept someone to be with her and help her with stuff like the stove, shopping, going up and down stairs, etc.
other than visiting mamaia and bunica in bucharest, we took a 4-day-trip to the countryside, which i spoke about in my last posting.
after that, we spent another 3 days in bucharest, and i enjoyed them a lot. i kind of wish i had more time to myself while there - i would've liked to take in the city vibe on my own, w/o kids, but it didn't work out that way. actually even with the kids we got to walk around, enjoy the crowds, the little shops, all of that, but it was different bc they got tired of walking or being in the stroller really quick, and wanted to go to the park.
all in all, i feel that it was a good trip. i was actually sad leaving bucharest, wishing i had had 1 more week there. but then, on returning home, i felt grateful to be back, so it's all good.
peace
Monday, October 01, 2007
bucharest
visiting mamaia...
these next pics wer taken around mamaia's apartment, which is also the area where i spent the first 14 years of my life:
visiting relatives with mamaia
sena and aiyana riding on the metro
visiting bunica in the elderly people's home where she's staying
bunica's apartment, where we stayed
and some random pics from around bucharest
these next pics wer taken around mamaia's apartment, which is also the area where i spent the first 14 years of my life:
visiting relatives with mamaia
sena and aiyana riding on the metro
visiting bunica in the elderly people's home where she's staying
bunica's apartment, where we stayed
and some random pics from around bucharest
"moeciu de sus"
these pictures are of us and of some landscapes from hikes we took around moeciu (a mountainous region about 3 hrs away fr bucharest). the kids were really good about hiking, and so we were able to get to the top of some hills from where we had some really pretty views of villages and animals grazing in the valleys below.
bran castle and dimbovicioara cave
this is also known as Dracula's castle outside romania. at first, i wasn't too excited about going there (i've already been a few years ago), but sena was so into it that i actually ended up enjoying it a lot more than i expected bc of her... she was esp thrilled by the fact that a real princess had once lived there.
as for dracula, he doesn't have much to do with anything there, but the myth is paying off for the vendors just outside the castle with their mugs, tshirts and all that kind of stuff. they even built a haunted house to go w foreigh tourists' expectations, i assume, but it seems totally out of place.
as for dracula, he doesn't have much to do with anything there, but the myth is paying off for the vendors just outside the castle with their mugs, tshirts and all that kind of stuff. they even built a haunted house to go w foreigh tourists' expectations, i assume, but it seems totally out of place.
back home
we've been back from romania for about a week. i've been feeling really high, really alive and glad to be wherever i am. unfortunately, i haven't had time to write although i really wanted to. i do hope to get a chance to write soon, but for now i'll just post some pics from our trip.
peace
peace
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
trying out a video
let's see if this works...
last friday i took sena and aiyana to the park. they were riding their bikes and having a good time, and i tried to take some video; but, sena felt very strongly that i could not take video while they were riding, only when they were sitting down. so i got them as she explains this rule.
also, notice how aiyana tries to sit exactly like sena, and keeps repositioning her legs. she wants so much to be just like big sis, in everything she does....
last friday i took sena and aiyana to the park. they were riding their bikes and having a good time, and i tried to take some video; but, sena felt very strongly that i could not take video while they were riding, only when they were sitting down. so i got them as she explains this rule.
also, notice how aiyana tries to sit exactly like sena, and keeps repositioning her legs. she wants so much to be just like big sis, in everything she does....
Saturday, September 08, 2007
thank you
thank you for reading my blog. i am very grateful to have for this space in which i can express myself.
looking fwd to more of this...
peace
looking fwd to more of this...
peace
going to romania
i am excited and a little nervous about our upcoming trip to romania. we are leaving this coming wednesday and coming back in 2 weeks. planning to spend half our time in Bucharest with my grandmothers, and the other half in the countryside, (hopefuly) relaxing and enjoying nature.
we're all going, and this will be aiyana's first trip overseas. sena oscillates between wanting to go and not. i am excited about seeing my grandmothers, but a little nervous about how things will go with the kids. it's always a little difficult when we leave our own environment and the routines we're used to. but i'm doing my best to face this, which means that i'm not thinking about it too much, and just trying to be with what's going on at the moment. as of right now, i'm feeling great, and ed and the kids are doing well too. we're almost done with packing (all ed's doing; you know me, i'd be packing the night before, franticvally trying to get everything together at the last minute).
i'm a little sad to be leaving CT at this beautiful time of year. there are apples on the trees, grapes and sumac everywhere, and all kinds of veges in the garden. the trees have already started to change color, and the weather has been amazing - sunny and cool. perfect for sleeping, and for just breathing in and getting that rush of being alive (at least that's how i experience it). but then again, i have come, in the past few years, to really love all the seasons and to see how they mirror so many other things in life. so i guess i have a lot to look fwd to after we come back from romania.
i'm curious as to how i will experience romania this time. how i will see the people, and the life there. in the past, it's been mixed: i was discouraged by the corruption and selfishness, and by the extreme pragmatism permeating the atmosphere; but i was also pleased to meet some people that seemed (despite the surroundings) to have stayed kind and peaceful in their attitude towards themselves and others. this time, i'd like as much as possible to drop my views and concepts about romania and its people, and experience it again.
peace
we're all going, and this will be aiyana's first trip overseas. sena oscillates between wanting to go and not. i am excited about seeing my grandmothers, but a little nervous about how things will go with the kids. it's always a little difficult when we leave our own environment and the routines we're used to. but i'm doing my best to face this, which means that i'm not thinking about it too much, and just trying to be with what's going on at the moment. as of right now, i'm feeling great, and ed and the kids are doing well too. we're almost done with packing (all ed's doing; you know me, i'd be packing the night before, franticvally trying to get everything together at the last minute).
i'm a little sad to be leaving CT at this beautiful time of year. there are apples on the trees, grapes and sumac everywhere, and all kinds of veges in the garden. the trees have already started to change color, and the weather has been amazing - sunny and cool. perfect for sleeping, and for just breathing in and getting that rush of being alive (at least that's how i experience it). but then again, i have come, in the past few years, to really love all the seasons and to see how they mirror so many other things in life. so i guess i have a lot to look fwd to after we come back from romania.
i'm curious as to how i will experience romania this time. how i will see the people, and the life there. in the past, it's been mixed: i was discouraged by the corruption and selfishness, and by the extreme pragmatism permeating the atmosphere; but i was also pleased to meet some people that seemed (despite the surroundings) to have stayed kind and peaceful in their attitude towards themselves and others. this time, i'd like as much as possible to drop my views and concepts about romania and its people, and experience it again.
peace
Friday, September 07, 2007
sena, my teacher
a while ago, i copied these lines in my journal: "...the teachers we need most are the people we're living with now. Our spouses, parents and children are the clearest masters we could hope for.." (Byron Katie, Loving what is).
my experience underscores the truth of these lines over and over again. (and btw, if you feel drawn to this book at all, i recommend it full-heartedly. it's been extremely useful to me so far).
for example:
lately, sena's been "acting up" during quiet time. it used to be that both kids napped in the afternoon, but recently, sena stopped. so instead, we've been doing quiet time, which means that she doesn't have to nap if she doesn't want to, but she has to keep quiet and do something on her own, like reading a book, or playing in another room. this has worked very well for a while. aiyana continued taking her naps, i got some time to rest, and sena did her own thing. but, for the past week or so, we've been having problems. sometimes, sena gets really loud, she keeps nagging me to do stuff for her, and wakes aiyana up. then aiyana gets really cranky bc she's not rested enough, and things are hard for everyone.
yesterday sena was being disrespectful despite the fact that we had discussed things beforehand. she almost woke aiyana up several times. i was tired and in need of a break, so i got very frustrated with sena and the way she was acting. overwhelmed with these emotions, i grabbed her by the arm a lot rougher than necessary, and pushed her on the couch. i was also giving her dirty looks and was generally acting mean. i instantly knew and felt that what i was doing was wrong. i was definitely acting in a way that made both sena and i feel miserable, but i couldn't stop myself. it's like the meaner i got, the more i knew i was hurting myself and her, and yet i could not stop myself.
finally, i sat next to her on the couch, finding it impossible to say anything nice, but at least i didn't grab her anymore or gave her any dirty looks. she was crying at first but then she stopped and just lay there. after a few minutes, i came down a bit and started talking to her. i told her how i didn't appreciate what she was doing, that she was being so disrespectful of aiyana's nap time and my needs. but i also told her that i didn't like the way i treated her, that i didn't want to be that way, but that i just could not control it at the time. i asked her how she felt and she said she felt good with me, and came in my lap. i held her for a while, and it felt really good, and i also felt terrible for the way i had been. i always imagine that when i'm mean i cause some irreparable damage to her, but maybe that's not true. she seems so forgiving, and i also think that talking asbout it and explaining to her why i lose control makes it less scary for her. afetr we sat holding each other for a while, she seemed happy and wanted to play again.
a day later, i was reading the book i refered to above, and found it very helpful in regards to my situation with sena. basically i saw that the problem is not that sena isn't quiet (sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't). the problem is that i continue to expect her to be quiet when experience proves that this is unrealistic. this expectation doesn't change what's happening. mostly, it ends up causing me stress, anger and frustration.
maybe it will get easier for sena to do quiet time on a regular basis as she gets older. for now, i think it's best that i stop expecting it. but then, what about aiyana's nap and my rest? i know that these are very important, so i have to find ways that work for everyone. expecting sena to be quiet has caused me so much stress that it cannot be the right answer.
so this is what it is, being with kids, being with the people that push you to your limits, that get you in your most painful spots. it's a constant challenge, and if i go with it (instead of opposing it), it always brings me understanding and compassion, for myself and everyone else involved. it's the hardest way to live, the most tiring and demanding (also the most freeing). but i don't feel i have a choice.if i refuse to deal with the issues that come up, if i refuse to question my responses situations like these, i am only compounding the problem.
if i tell myself that my problems lie with the kids or ed or anyone/anything outside of myself, i am lying and setting myself up for more.
i feel that my kids and ed are my best teachers because they shove it right in my face. i have no choice but to deal with it, whatever it may be. they reflect back at me the parts of myself that are the hardest to deal with and to change, and they give me no choice. there's no doubt that this is the hardest work i've ever done, but it's also the most rewarding, and right now, the only work that matters.
my experience underscores the truth of these lines over and over again. (and btw, if you feel drawn to this book at all, i recommend it full-heartedly. it's been extremely useful to me so far).
for example:
lately, sena's been "acting up" during quiet time. it used to be that both kids napped in the afternoon, but recently, sena stopped. so instead, we've been doing quiet time, which means that she doesn't have to nap if she doesn't want to, but she has to keep quiet and do something on her own, like reading a book, or playing in another room. this has worked very well for a while. aiyana continued taking her naps, i got some time to rest, and sena did her own thing. but, for the past week or so, we've been having problems. sometimes, sena gets really loud, she keeps nagging me to do stuff for her, and wakes aiyana up. then aiyana gets really cranky bc she's not rested enough, and things are hard for everyone.
yesterday sena was being disrespectful despite the fact that we had discussed things beforehand. she almost woke aiyana up several times. i was tired and in need of a break, so i got very frustrated with sena and the way she was acting. overwhelmed with these emotions, i grabbed her by the arm a lot rougher than necessary, and pushed her on the couch. i was also giving her dirty looks and was generally acting mean. i instantly knew and felt that what i was doing was wrong. i was definitely acting in a way that made both sena and i feel miserable, but i couldn't stop myself. it's like the meaner i got, the more i knew i was hurting myself and her, and yet i could not stop myself.
finally, i sat next to her on the couch, finding it impossible to say anything nice, but at least i didn't grab her anymore or gave her any dirty looks. she was crying at first but then she stopped and just lay there. after a few minutes, i came down a bit and started talking to her. i told her how i didn't appreciate what she was doing, that she was being so disrespectful of aiyana's nap time and my needs. but i also told her that i didn't like the way i treated her, that i didn't want to be that way, but that i just could not control it at the time. i asked her how she felt and she said she felt good with me, and came in my lap. i held her for a while, and it felt really good, and i also felt terrible for the way i had been. i always imagine that when i'm mean i cause some irreparable damage to her, but maybe that's not true. she seems so forgiving, and i also think that talking asbout it and explaining to her why i lose control makes it less scary for her. afetr we sat holding each other for a while, she seemed happy and wanted to play again.
a day later, i was reading the book i refered to above, and found it very helpful in regards to my situation with sena. basically i saw that the problem is not that sena isn't quiet (sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't). the problem is that i continue to expect her to be quiet when experience proves that this is unrealistic. this expectation doesn't change what's happening. mostly, it ends up causing me stress, anger and frustration.
maybe it will get easier for sena to do quiet time on a regular basis as she gets older. for now, i think it's best that i stop expecting it. but then, what about aiyana's nap and my rest? i know that these are very important, so i have to find ways that work for everyone. expecting sena to be quiet has caused me so much stress that it cannot be the right answer.
so this is what it is, being with kids, being with the people that push you to your limits, that get you in your most painful spots. it's a constant challenge, and if i go with it (instead of opposing it), it always brings me understanding and compassion, for myself and everyone else involved. it's the hardest way to live, the most tiring and demanding (also the most freeing). but i don't feel i have a choice.if i refuse to deal with the issues that come up, if i refuse to question my responses situations like these, i am only compounding the problem.
if i tell myself that my problems lie with the kids or ed or anyone/anything outside of myself, i am lying and setting myself up for more.
i feel that my kids and ed are my best teachers because they shove it right in my face. i have no choice but to deal with it, whatever it may be. they reflect back at me the parts of myself that are the hardest to deal with and to change, and they give me no choice. there's no doubt that this is the hardest work i've ever done, but it's also the most rewarding, and right now, the only work that matters.
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