aiyana's second birthday today. she's so sweet and crazy, and makes me so happy.
i've been having a weird couple of days. after we came back from romania, i was high, things were going so well and i felt so clear, so alive and inspired. but the past ouple of days have been quite different. i'm tryin to figureg out what it is, but it's not clear. i just have this vague feeling of unease, and discomfort. part of it, i think is being caught up in my past. it's just so hard to let go of that sometime! (although kids are really good at bringing your attention back to the moment, thank god for that).
another thing that bothers me is that i know that i am still running after people's approval. certain people more than others - but i'm just disappointed that this is still a driving force in my life. approval of all kinds: for who i am as a person, for how i look and how i cook and how clean my toilet is, etc. i know that most people deal with this on some level, but it still gets to me.
yesterday was a hard day. i was wih the kids and they were mostly great. but i was in this mood and it seemed like i was picking every oportunity i could to get frustrated and upset at them. it felt like when you're driving a car and the stirring wheel is pulling to one side. you have to apply constant effort to straighten it, and even then the car doesn't really go srtaight. i snapped at them so many times, it was exhausting, not to mention that i accumulated enough guilt for a lifetime.
this morning my sister took the kids and i had time off. i was looking fwd to this all week, but my time alone actually ended up being unsatisfactory and more of a source of frustration, because of my underlying mood. i feel like i just don't know what to do with myself. i feel like i am missing the kids, at least when i'm with them they give me a sense of direction. (if i can keep myself from snapping at them).
i've also been having some weird dreams lately, in which i felt frustrated and sad (same emotions i'm experiencing during the day) at people from my past. i felt like i was trying to communicate with them, but my messages were either not being heard or being missinterpreted. in one dream, one girl from my elementary school in romania, someone i liked and envied at the same time, came in the room in a wheel chair, pushed by her grandmother. she was obviously very sick, her body all shrivelled up and her mind gone. i looked at her, my old friend and rival, bc we always used to compete w each other, who used to be so tough, now in such a state. i smiled a sad smile, and i knew that's not what she wanted. she got really rowdy, and her grandmother was very embarrased by her behavior. then she peed right in the middle of the room, in front of me and everyone else there. i felt so sad for her, and for me, because all my life i defined myself in terms of this girl, in terms of our competition, and now i saw that that was meaningless.i feel like this dream was a very positive one, in the sense that it made me stop and feel what is real, feel myself outside of the identity i created through her and other people. but still, i feel sad and lost.
i know i'm rambling on, but i do feel better for doing so. and maybe someone else will too. sometimes i like seeing people deal with their shit, makes me feel more connected and more sane in my own struggles. i consider myself a very lucky person, and as i always say i am grateful for my life. but i'd never want to give the impression that it's all smiles and sunny days. that's not my reality. despite my daily practice to stay real, i often find myself so far away from where i think i should be, from who i think i should be (and even saying that makes me feel stupid). i often feel frustrated, let down, sad, all of that, along with the joy and elation of being alive.
i think i've said enough for now,
i've said enough for now. i think i'm just going to sit here and look at the trees, and listen to the chickens dig for warms through the fallen leaves, and wait for my kids to get home.
peace
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