can't help but post these

you're probably sick of my ramblings about fall...
i can't help it though, i just love it so much. last saturday, the girls and i had another beautiful day, where nothing exceptional happened, but each moment felt delicious...








in the afternoon, i was cooking, and aiyana sat down on the kitchen floor reading her book; she was so cute (also a bit disheveled, cuz we were just dancing pretty hard just before...)

for Annika

running down the hill (in Romania)



an playing by the river, this past saturday

comfortable chair

when i was visiting my grandmother, bunica, in the nursing home in romania, i experienced a strong sensation of loss. for a short while, it was as if i lived vicariously through these old people i saw confined in there. i felt darkness creep inside of me, a yucky, murky feeling i can't describe very well. i didn't like it, and couldn't wait to get out of there.

i felt that these people had lost almost everything they may have used to build their identities around: material posesions, social status, relationships, in many cases even their families. this reminded me of a song by ani defranco, "back, back, back" (off "to the teeth"), particularly the part about the comfortable chair:

"who are these old old old people
in these nursing homes
scowling away at nothing
like big rag dolls just cursing at the walls
and pulling out all of their stuffing
every day is a door leading back to the core
yes, old age will distill you
and if you're this this this full of bitterness now
some day it will just fill you

when you sit right down in the middle of yourself
you're gonna wanna have a comfortable chair
so renovate your soul before you get too old
cuz you're gonna be housebound there
when you're old you fold up like an envelope
and you mail yourself right inside
and there's nowhere to go
except out real slow
are you ready, boy, for that ride?"

i think that the loss i witnessed when visiting bunica happens to everyone, whether they're confined to a nursing home or not. i'm hoping though, that if you can somehow still manage to laugh and enjoy the little things that come along each day, the slow unraveling of your identity and of everything you've worked so hard to build won't matter so much....

i feel that loss happens continually, whether you're old or young or whatever you situation may be. there are always plenty of things to get hung up on and suffer over - and the only way i know around this is actually not around it at all, but rather through it, with a certain attitude.

"tell me boy boy boy are you tending to your joy
or are you just letting it vanquish?"
....
(more from ani defranco)

a beautiful day

yesterday, i felt so amazing the entire day. the girls and i went hiking at Bakerwoods, a little farm close to where we live. the autumn scenery was so spectacular, that it stayed with me even after we left the farm. when we lay down for a nap in the afternoon, i closed my eyes and i could see still see and feel autumn inside me: the soft quality of the light, the rich colors, the smell of damp fallen leaves.

here are some pics from our day.

happy birthday

(mon oct 8th)
today are my dad's and cousin's birthays. happy birthday and all my best to them.

this fall is so beautiful. on the way home from the library with the kids today, i took a detour down this pretty road i know, with spectacular views of a river winding through the woods. i was driving so slow, just looking at everything (fortunately, there were no other cars), and it was even more beautiful than i had hoped. i felt like i missed every other fall in the past, like i was witnessing the colors and smells of leaves and damp earth for the first time. yet, even with all that, i felt like i could only let myself go into it so far. i felt like there was some kind of wall inside of me that made it very hard to surrender and enjoy it ccompletely. i've noticed this feeling in other situations, both pleasant and unlpleasant. i'm surprised about the pleasant ones: why should i experience resistance to beauty and joy? it's almost like i'm afraid of too much happiness, afraid of losing control maybe? i just finished "the power of now" by eckhart tolle, and i guess he'd say that what i'm experiencing is the ego trying to maintain control, afraid that it will disolve if it lets go. maybe that's true, i don't know, i want to figure out what's true for me.

so this thing i'm talking about is hard to describe - it feels like a resistance to fully enjoying whatever it is in front of me. i feel like i'm enjoying things mostly on a mental level, and then beyond that something stops me. like if i look at a tree, i'll think of how beautiful the leaves are, and how the branches entertwine so gracefuly and i'll hear and feel the breeze and think of how great it is, but it still feels like everything is mostly happening in my head, like everything needs to be put in words, qualified through language. i feel a strong desire to go beyond that, to not qualify my experience, not to only think of it, to experience it more fully. that's when the resistance comes in, and with it, sometimes, frustration.

i'm playing with all of this right now, practicing both with things i enjoy and those i don't. in the meantime, i just thought i'd share.

columbus day?

i'm having a hard time understanding why columbus day is still being observed as a holiday here in the US. to say that there are many conflicted feelings about this day, and esp. about it being celebrated as a holiday, is an understatement. i know many people that consider it more appropriate to grieve than to celebrate today.

but probably the majority of people are just going about, doing their thing, not giving columbus much thought at all. so maybe what we should be doing is reconsider the whole thing: columbus and his legacy, and any feelings that come up for us.

peace

it's aiyana's birthday, but this is mostly about me

aiyana's second birthday today. she's so sweet and crazy, and makes me so happy.

i've been having a weird couple of days. after we came back from romania, i was high, things were going so well and i felt so clear, so alive and inspired. but the past ouple of days have been quite different. i'm tryin to figureg out what it is, but it's not clear. i just have this vague feeling of unease, and discomfort. part of it, i think is being caught up in my past. it's just so hard to let go of that sometime! (although kids are really good at bringing your attention back to the moment, thank god for that).

another thing that bothers me is that i know that i am still running after people's approval. certain people more than others - but i'm just disappointed that this is still a driving force in my life. approval of all kinds: for who i am as a person, for how i look and how i cook and how clean my toilet is, etc. i know that most people deal with this on some level, but it still gets to me.

yesterday was a hard day. i was wih the kids and they were mostly great. but i was in this mood and it seemed like i was picking every oportunity i could to get frustrated and upset at them. it felt like when you're driving a car and the stirring wheel is pulling to one side. you have to apply constant effort to straighten it, and even then the car doesn't really go srtaight. i snapped at them so many times, it was exhausting, not to mention that i accumulated enough guilt for a lifetime.

this morning my sister took the kids and i had time off. i was looking fwd to this all week, but my time alone actually ended up being unsatisfactory and more of a source of frustration, because of my underlying mood. i feel like i just don't know what to do with myself. i feel like i am missing the kids, at least when i'm with them they give me a sense of direction. (if i can keep myself from snapping at them).

i've also been having some weird dreams lately, in which i felt frustrated and sad (same emotions i'm experiencing during the day) at people from my past. i felt like i was trying to communicate with them, but my messages were either not being heard or being missinterpreted. in one dream, one girl from my elementary school in romania, someone i liked and envied at the same time, came in the room in a wheel chair, pushed by her grandmother. she was obviously very sick, her body all shrivelled up and her mind gone. i looked at her, my old friend and rival, bc we always used to compete w each other, who used to be so tough, now in such a state. i smiled a sad smile, and i knew that's not what she wanted. she got really rowdy, and her grandmother was very embarrased by her behavior. then she peed right in the middle of the room, in front of me and everyone else there. i felt so sad for her, and for me, because all my life i defined myself in terms of this girl, in terms of our competition, and now i saw that that was meaningless.i feel like this dream was a very positive one, in the sense that it made me stop and feel what is real, feel myself outside of the identity i created through her and other people. but still, i feel sad and lost.

i know i'm rambling on, but i do feel better for doing so. and maybe someone else will too. sometimes i like seeing people deal with their shit, makes me feel more connected and more sane in my own struggles. i consider myself a very lucky person, and as i always say i am grateful for my life. but i'd never want to give the impression that it's all smiles and sunny days. that's not my reality. despite my daily practice to stay real, i often find myself so far away from where i think i should be, from who i think i should be (and even saying that makes me feel stupid). i often feel frustrated, let down, sad, all of that, along with the joy and elation of being alive.

i think i've said enough for now,

i've said enough for now. i think i'm just going to sit here and look at the trees, and listen to the chickens dig for warms through the fallen leaves, and wait for my kids to get home.

peace

i like these

ed took these two pictures at bran castle.
the first one is a display showing princess ileana (the last princess to live in the castle) and some of her belongings. ed caught my reflection in the mirror, at a moment when i was quite absorbed in looking at the princess' portrait. something about her really connected with me. i also like how many layers there are to this picture.


ed also got this stairwell while we were visiting the castle.

more about our trip to romania

back from romania, it feels like we've been gone a lot longer than two weeks. maybe it's because we got to experience and do a lot of things. in any case, it feels really good to be back. after the dust and crowds of bucharest (which i actually appreciated in their own way), i feel incredibly lucky and grateful to be living where i am. i'm glad to be back to my trees and birds which i love so much, glad to be back to clean open space.

but back to romania: our trip had a pretty rough start. our flight was delayed by about 8 hrs, and when we finally arrived in bucharest, 21hrs after leaving home, we were all exhausted and in bad spirits. i felt depressed with everything i saw. fortunately, i remembered that this is how i felt the last time i went there too, and that eventually it got better, so this kept me from spinning too far off into my emotions.

after spening way too much time in airports, in boston and milan, which was neither fun nor easy wih 2 small, sleep-deprived kids, when we finally arrived in bucharest, in the middle of the night, we couldn't figure out how to unlock my grandma's door (it has 3 different locks on it). we were just about to head to a hotel somewhere, when some kind neighbors happened to pass by and helped us get in. by this time, we were all beyond exhaustion. once in my grandma's apartment, we discovered that there was no running water in the bathroom. we all had to go to the toilet, and also, it would've been nice to wash a little - airplanes make me feel so nasty....
anyway, we worked with the bathroom situation as best as we could, and then proceeded to making sleeping arrangements on the floor. my grandma has a pretty big bed in her 1 room apartment, but it's broken and there's no way we could've slept there with the kids. we finally worked something out with blankets and our 2 sleeping mats.

when we finally lay down, i felt very depressed. sena fell asleep right away, and ed and i would've too, but aiyana kept waking us up every ten minutes or so. she was really upset about being in a foreign place and kept saying: "me, mama, dada, bug (sena) - house". which means that she wanted all of us to go back to our house. this went on for what seemed like hours, by which time i actually felt a little better than before having given up hope for improvement. finally we all fell asleep, exhausted.

next morning, i felt a million times better. it's amazing what sleep can do. things seemed totally diferent from the night before. the toilet didn't bother me nearly as much now, and i felt excited about being in bucharest and the things i planned to do. that first morning, ed stayed with the kids while they slept, and i went out for half an hour or so to change money and get some food. my little outing put me in a great mood. it was fun to be in the city and experience its energy - i enjoyed seeing all the people going their different ways; the cars, buses and trams; the pastry shops; and the general feel of busy life.

our trip felt much better after that morning, so much so that i was sad when it was time to leave. we spent half our trip in bucharest, and the other half around moeciu de sus, a little vilage in the mountains, about 3 hrs from bucharest.

while in the city, i spent almost every day visiting my grandmothers. both of then are doing well, better than i expected. mamaia had a small stroke a few months ago, but she seems to have recovered almost completely. she's still living in her apartment, taking care of herself and doing everything she used to do. she does have a little trouble walking, so when she gets out now, she stays close to her house. fortunately there are lots of stores in the neighborhood, so she doesn't have to go far for anything. she also gets help from some of our relatives once a week. i think that for her age (92) she's doing really well.

bunica's case is a little sadder. she, too was sick a few months ago, and she also recovered well. unfortunately, after her sickness, she couldn't really be by herself anymore, and ended up in some kind of nursing home. it's no secret that she hates it there and wants out. when i visited her, i could see why. the conditions are good as far as cleanliness, food, and the fact that there is help and care if needed. but other than that, the place is totally depressing. if you have any awareness left, i can't see how anyone would not go crazy in there. the place is really small, and there's nothing to do other than eat and sleep. bunica told me that she reads a lot, but she's sick of reading all day long, and her eyes are also getting weaker, so she's having a hard time. they're not allowed to leave the building unless someone comes to take them out, but bunica doesn't have anyone, so she's always in there. i guess they have a small open-air patio, but to me that's no replacement for being outside. bunica's always been very independent and very spirited, so i can see how for her this is hell. when i visited her she was doing well, but she complained bitterly about being in there. i noticed that her memory, esp. short term is really bad though. like for instance she'd ask me how many kids i have, their names and ages, and then, 10 minutes later she'd ask again. this makes her prospects of living back at her apartment quite bad, since she has a gas stove that she can easily leave on, forget, and cause a bad accident. so that's a problem, but i'm hoping that if she does get out, she'll accept someone to live with her so that stuff like that can be avoided.

the last day i visited bunica, i felt very emotional. when i went in, she was in the dining room along with 10 or so other women and one man, all eating. they had 2 younger women helping them. the first thing i noticed is how those 2 women, the staff, treated all the elderly as if they were dumb. i found it totally disrespectful and depressing. the way they were speaking to them and to each other made me really sad. then, just seeing these old people eating together yet so clearly alone, made me want to cry. the TV was blaring right in their faces, yet nobody seemed to be paying attention. they were all looking down, quietly eating. one old woman, sitting near the door, was having a hard time eating by herself. one of the staff was feeding her, but i found the way she did this very mechanical, and lacking in kindness. she kept shoving huge pieces of food in the old woman's mouth and pushed her to swallow when she was having a hard time doing so. i just didn't feel any compassion coming through their interaction. bunica was on the far end of the room from me, and she ate in silence, rarely looking up. once she glanced in my direction, but she didn't see me, and she quickly looked back down. by the time they finished eating, an old benny hill episode was playing on TV. it just seemed so out of place, with benny hill trying to pinch some almost-naked, young woman's breast or butt. nobody was laughing except the audience on tv. finally, one of the staff told bunica i was there and pointed twds me, and bunica's face lit up. i had a hardtime holding my tears. she just seemed so grateful to have me there. i sat next to her, and we talked. she introduced me to old man sitting next to her. he was very happy to meet me too. it's almost like they came to life when i got there, they seemed so much to want to talk and interact. both of them, it turns out, have really bad short-term memories. they kept asking me the same things over and over, but it was kind of funny, because every time i answered, the same answer i had given just 5 minutes before, they would get so genuinely excited all over again. it was totally fresh for them. the old man could not get over the fact that i had come all the way from the US, and even though i told him 3 times, each time he was as genuinely pleased as the time before, his face lighting up with a dreamy look in his eyes. when he asked me when i would come visit again, i said that maybe in one year, and he looked so stricken, but then i told him again that i had to come all the way from the US, and then he understood.

my best hope for bunica is that she can come out of this place, back to her apartment, and accept someone to be with her and help her with stuff like the stove, shopping, going up and down stairs, etc.

other than visiting mamaia and bunica in bucharest, we took a 4-day-trip to the countryside, which i spoke about in my last posting.

after that, we spent another 3 days in bucharest, and i enjoyed them a lot. i kind of wish i had more time to myself while there - i would've liked to take in the city vibe on my own, w/o kids, but it didn't work out that way. actually even with the kids we got to walk around, enjoy the crowds, the little shops, all of that, but it was different bc they got tired of walking or being in the stroller really quick, and wanted to go to the park.

all in all, i feel that it was a good trip. i was actually sad leaving bucharest, wishing i had had 1 more week there. but then, on returning home, i felt grateful to be back, so it's all good.

peace

bucharest

visiting mamaia...


these next pics wer taken around mamaia's apartment, which is also the area where i spent the first 14 years of my life:

visiting relatives with mamaia


sena and aiyana riding on the metro

visiting bunica in the elderly people's home where she's staying


bunica's apartment, where we stayed



and some random pics from around bucharest

"moeciu de sus"

these pictures are of us and of some landscapes from hikes we took around moeciu (a mountainous region about 3 hrs away fr bucharest). the kids were really good about hiking, and so we were able to get to the top of some hills from where we had some really pretty views of villages and animals grazing in the valleys below.

bran castle and dimbovicioara cave

this is also known as Dracula's castle outside romania. at first, i wasn't too excited about going there (i've already been a few years ago), but sena was so into it that i actually ended up enjoying it a lot more than i expected bc of her... she was esp thrilled by the fact that a real princess had once lived there.
as for dracula, he doesn't have much to do with anything there, but the myth is paying off for the vendors just outside the castle with their mugs, tshirts and all that kind of stuff. they even built a haunted house to go w foreigh tourists' expectations, i assume, but it seems totally out of place.

this cave was another site that i enjoyed mostly because of sena's excitement. she really liked the fact that bear fossils were found inside, and she wanted us to tell her about how bears hybernate over and over again. the surroundings of the cave were very pretty, so we ended up having lunch and relaxing there for a while. the drive there was very dramatic, small road winding through sheer cliff faces.

back home

we've been back from romania for about a week. i've been feeling really high, really alive and glad to be wherever i am. unfortunately, i haven't had time to write although i really wanted to. i do hope to get a chance to write soon, but for now i'll just post some pics from our trip.

peace

trying out a video

let's see if this works...
last friday i took sena and aiyana to the park. they were riding their bikes and having a good time, and i tried to take some video; but, sena felt very strongly that i could not take video while they were riding, only when they were sitting down. so i got them as she explains this rule.
also, notice how aiyana tries to sit exactly like sena, and keeps repositioning her legs. she wants so much to be just like big sis, in everything she does....

thank you

thank you for reading my blog. i am very grateful to have for this space in which i can express myself.

looking fwd to more of this...
peace

going to romania

i am excited and a little nervous about our upcoming trip to romania. we are leaving this coming wednesday and coming back in 2 weeks. planning to spend half our time in Bucharest with my grandmothers, and the other half in the countryside, (hopefuly) relaxing and enjoying nature.

we're all going, and this will be aiyana's first trip overseas. sena oscillates between wanting to go and not. i am excited about seeing my grandmothers, but a little nervous about how things will go with the kids. it's always a little difficult when we leave our own environment and the routines we're used to. but i'm doing my best to face this, which means that i'm not thinking about it too much, and just trying to be with what's going on at the moment. as of right now, i'm feeling great, and ed and the kids are doing well too. we're almost done with packing (all ed's doing; you know me, i'd be packing the night before, franticvally trying to get everything together at the last minute).

i'm a little sad to be leaving CT at this beautiful time of year. there are apples on the trees, grapes and sumac everywhere, and all kinds of veges in the garden. the trees have already started to change color, and the weather has been amazing - sunny and cool. perfect for sleeping, and for just breathing in and getting that rush of being alive (at least that's how i experience it). but then again, i have come, in the past few years, to really love all the seasons and to see how they mirror so many other things in life. so i guess i have a lot to look fwd to after we come back from romania.

i'm curious as to how i will experience romania this time. how i will see the people, and the life there. in the past, it's been mixed: i was discouraged by the corruption and selfishness, and by the extreme pragmatism permeating the atmosphere; but i was also pleased to meet some people that seemed (despite the surroundings) to have stayed kind and peaceful in their attitude towards themselves and others. this time, i'd like as much as possible to drop my views and concepts about romania and its people, and experience it again.

peace

sena, my teacher

a while ago, i copied these lines in my journal: "...the teachers we need most are the people we're living with now. Our spouses, parents and children are the clearest masters we could hope for.." (Byron Katie, Loving what is).

my experience underscores the truth of these lines over and over again. (and btw, if you feel drawn to this book at all, i recommend it full-heartedly. it's been extremely useful to me so far).

for example:
lately, sena's been "acting up" during quiet time. it used to be that both kids napped in the afternoon, but recently, sena stopped. so instead, we've been doing quiet time, which means that she doesn't have to nap if she doesn't want to, but she has to keep quiet and do something on her own, like reading a book, or playing in another room. this has worked very well for a while. aiyana continued taking her naps, i got some time to rest, and sena did her own thing. but, for the past week or so, we've been having problems. sometimes, sena gets really loud, she keeps nagging me to do stuff for her, and wakes aiyana up. then aiyana gets really cranky bc she's not rested enough, and things are hard for everyone.

yesterday sena was being disrespectful despite the fact that we had discussed things beforehand. she almost woke aiyana up several times. i was tired and in need of a break, so i got very frustrated with sena and the way she was acting. overwhelmed with these emotions, i grabbed her by the arm a lot rougher than necessary, and pushed her on the couch. i was also giving her dirty looks and was generally acting mean. i instantly knew and felt that what i was doing was wrong. i was definitely acting in a way that made both sena and i feel miserable, but i couldn't stop myself. it's like the meaner i got, the more i knew i was hurting myself and her, and yet i could not stop myself.

finally, i sat next to her on the couch, finding it impossible to say anything nice, but at least i didn't grab her anymore or gave her any dirty looks. she was crying at first but then she stopped and just lay there. after a few minutes, i came down a bit and started talking to her. i told her how i didn't appreciate what she was doing, that she was being so disrespectful of aiyana's nap time and my needs. but i also told her that i didn't like the way i treated her, that i didn't want to be that way, but that i just could not control it at the time. i asked her how she felt and she said she felt good with me, and came in my lap. i held her for a while, and it felt really good, and i also felt terrible for the way i had been. i always imagine that when i'm mean i cause some irreparable damage to her, but maybe that's not true. she seems so forgiving, and i also think that talking asbout it and explaining to her why i lose control makes it less scary for her. afetr we sat holding each other for a while, she seemed happy and wanted to play again.

a day later, i was reading the book i refered to above, and found it very helpful in regards to my situation with sena. basically i saw that the problem is not that sena isn't quiet (sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't). the problem is that i continue to expect her to be quiet when experience proves that this is unrealistic. this expectation doesn't change what's happening. mostly, it ends up causing me stress, anger and frustration.

maybe it will get easier for sena to do quiet time on a regular basis as she gets older. for now, i think it's best that i stop expecting it. but then, what about aiyana's nap and my rest? i know that these are very important, so i have to find ways that work for everyone. expecting sena to be quiet has caused me so much stress that it cannot be the right answer.

so this is what it is, being with kids, being with the people that push you to your limits, that get you in your most painful spots. it's a constant challenge, and if i go with it (instead of opposing it), it always brings me understanding and compassion, for myself and everyone else involved. it's the hardest way to live, the most tiring and demanding (also the most freeing). but i don't feel i have a choice.if i refuse to deal with the issues that come up, if i refuse to question my responses situations like these, i am only compounding the problem.

if i tell myself that my problems lie with the kids or ed or anyone/anything outside of myself, i am lying and setting myself up for more.
i feel that my kids and ed are my best teachers because they shove it right in my face. i have no choice but to deal with it, whatever it may be. they reflect back at me the parts of myself that are the hardest to deal with and to change, and they give me no choice. there's no doubt that this is the hardest work i've ever done, but it's also the most rewarding, and right now, the only work that matters.

some time to myself

it seems that i haven't had time to myself in a while (except for when i was sick - but that was too miserable to count);
today i have some time, and i am enjoying it to the fullest.

so, in no particular order, here's what's going on:

aiyana was in a great mood this morning and she made me laugh;
a sunflower bloomed in my garden (the groundhog kept eating the sunflowers until he was relocated, and i never thought they'd survive, but they did);
i'm enjoying cooking and eating again, now that my cold sore is gone; last night i made a nice, spicy ratatouille and a delicious apple-pear crisp. we polished everything off;
my friend sue came over last night and made me laugh enough to sustain me for a while;
the sun is shining;
i have discovered that it's impossible to love one person. because love is much greater, and more inclusive than that. when i feel love, i cannot restrict it to one specific individual or thing. it just spills over into everything and fills my whole life.

peace

archery

somehow i got into shooting a bow and arrows. so when i have a minute, and nobody is around, i practice on a haystack that ed set up in front of our house, with an apple on top.

i didn't realize that it requires quite a bit of arm strength to pull the string on the bow and to keep it steady while focusing on shooting the arrow.
why i feel so drawn to this is because i feel it allows me to focus my attention and energy fully and completely, for a short amount of time, in a way that very few other things do. and then, of course there's the satisfaction of hitting the apple.

so i haven't done much of it yet, because i've been sick and the kids have been around. i feel that this is something i want to do alone, and i'm looking forward to more of it.

peace

a miserable week, coming to an end (i think)

phew, what a week! probably one of the most miserable weeks of my life. there i was, having a great summer, feeling amazing, eating really weel, etc.etc. i felt pretty much invincible, and maybe that was my problem.
then this hit - just a virus, i think, but a pretty nasty one that i'm still not free from.

so i've been sick since last sunday. started with a very sore throat, fever, congestion, and then moved on to cough, body aches, more fever, and the last thing, a nasty cold sore brough on by the fever. a cold sore right on my tongue, so that i could not speak, eat, drink, or even swallow without a lot of pain.

i took everything i knew of: tons of vitamin C, elderberry, echinacea, my regular multivitamins. i think all of these helped but none dramatically. at one point i was really stuffed up, could not sleep or breathe - and the only thing that helped then was the netty pot (is this how you spell it?) which i used to wash out my sinuses. that seemed to clear me up so that i could sleep a few hours. also, lots of hot showers - they helped soothe my whole body, and gave some temporary relief from aches and stuffiness. for my cold sore, i did salt and golden seal rinces, i used licorice extract locally (good antiviral) and lysene supplements. i think they worked, bc it took only 3 days to heal, as opposed to about a week regularly.

i feel like this was such an ordeal though. i became so depressed at some points. day after day, i found myself dragging, dreading the night-time especially, because i could not sleep though i badly needed it. i found myself unable to look after the kids, and yet i had to. when i got the cold sore, and could not speak without a lot of pain, that was the hardest. try being with 2 little kids and not speaking. it's impossible, i constantly have to mitigate, tell them to stay away from stuff, or just answer the incessant questions. and it felt like every word was torture.

i also felt that if only i could get enough sleep, my body would recover. but one night it was my throat aching, another my inability to breathe due to congestion, then body aches - all these things made it really hard and frustrating to sleep. i woke up each morning totally depleted, depressed and wondering how i would get through the day with the kids.

as soon as i got sick, i started giving everyone echinacea, elderberry and vitamin C. i'm really glad i did this. so far, ed hasn't gotten sick yet; sena had only a runny nose for 1 day and then she was fine; aiyana did get sick, but even she made it through pretty easily. we did have one terrible night with her, the first night she was sick. she was stuffed up so she could not breathe through her nose. when we went to bed, she tried to nurse as usual, but couldn't and then she started crying and being more and more upset, which got her more stuffed up. eventually she was crying so hard she threw up. i sat up with her all night, this was the only way she could nurse and calm down. but i couldn't sleep in a sitting position, and felt miserable being sick myself. fortunately, the next day aiyana was much better (i was worse) and she's been better since.

being sick like this reminded me again of what a blessing it is just to be healthy. i felt like all i wanted was to have my old self back, to feel my body strong and healthy, to have that feeling of joy of life. it was hard to feel any joy while i was so miserable, and i felt so sad for people who are chronically ill.

yesterday was my worst day, and in the afternoon i broke down and cried. i couldn't stop crying and my head was pounding. i felt so alone and hopeless. ed was there, trying to help but he too was spent. he tried to help as much as possible since i got sick, and he also had to go to work. finally, when as i got worse, he took some days off, but even so, he felt exhausted and overwhelmed by everything, esp. with aiyana being sick too. so yesterday he was in a pretty sour mood, and i felt miserable. he said he needed a break and i just didn't know what to do. sena kept saying that she wanted one of us to play with her and be with her, and aiyana was crying on and off. neither one of us could deal, so then what? i just felt so alone.

ed's mom and my sister have been helping, esp at the begining of the week, but as we got sicker, i didn't feel right asking them to come oevr and exposing them to this nasty thing we had. so we found ourselves trying to do it alone and it was really hard.

when i was crying the hardest, sena started telling me what a good mom i am, and then she said that if she had to pick anyone, she would pick me to be her mom. this made me feel good, and it also made me so sad, because i just couldn't be there for her. on the positive side, i guess it's good for her to see me down, to see me crying and struggling. i don't believe in hiding these emotions from her, because i think it's healthier that she see me as a human being with many limittations; i think it's important for her to see me struggle through stuff, as this will undoubtedly be part of her life as well.

today, ed stayed home in the morning. sena and aiyana slept well last night. i did ok, not great. ed went to work mid-morning and then his mom came and took the kids (they were both feeling great this morning). i went back to bed and woke up feeling much better that i have been lately. i feel like i am finally on the upswing. don't want to push myself too much, but i am glad to notice that i am getting a little bit excited about being outside again. i'm looking fwd to a short walk or maybe a bikeride. i feel the energy slowly coming back to me, and i feel as if my spirit is becoming lighter, and happier.

i also feel like there's something i need to learn from this sickness, although it's still not quite clear what. during my (seemingly) countless hours of in between sleep and wakefulness, tossing and turning in discomfort, i had many insights that seemed significant at the time, but unfortunately, i forgot all of them. i can't recollect them at will, although i know that they're still with me, maybe waiting for another time to emerge.

one thing i'm clear on is just what a gift it is to be healthy and whole. this morning i sat outside for a few minutes, eating a bowl of miso soup; the sun was out and a little breeze was gently sweeping over me, and it felt so nice and so healing just to sit there and experience these wonderful things. the miso soup tasted delicious, and i felt grateful to be able to enjoy the taste of food again.

so, on this note, i wish that everyone be healthy, happy, whole.

peace

sena's one-liners

last weekend, sena said to me quite out of the blue:
"mom, i'm happy that you're my mom".
of course, i got all teary-eyed, gave her some big hugs and tried to tell her how amazing that made me feel, but by the time i was done with all my talking and trying to convey to her how i felt, she, of course had already moved on to the next thing.

kids can find something special in almost anything. which proves that it's not the thing itself that is special, but it's you, who bring to it your own vision and quality of being.
so anyway, we were riding our bikes on sunday night, and were approaching a traffic light. sena loves to push the button that makes the pedestrian light turn green. so way before we even got to the light, she started asking me if she could be the one to push the button. and i said she could. and then she said, satisfied and quite sure of herself: "i'm the button artist".
well, i never thought of pushing a traffic light button as art, but that just shows how limited my view is.

finally, one morning this week, sena woke up and she was in a bad mood, not quite ready to get out of bed. she started whining and i asked her to stop and just tell me what's wrong, and she said: "i just can't deal with myself". which i knew exactly what she meant because that's how i feel almost every morning, esp when i wake up before i'm ready, but i never thought of expressing it that way....

peace

groudhog, forcefully relocated

my friend the groundhog has been relocated. forcefully relocated. somehow he managed to bypass the 8-ft-tall fence that ed built and got into the garden. he ate almost all the carrots and parsley.... ed and shandra were not pleased.
so in this picture, you can see him in the have-a -heart trap, just before ed drove him 5 miles away from our house and dropped him off in the woods.

a few days ago, i was getting some collard greens ready to cook, when i notice this pretty little caterpillar on the back of one of the leaves. i spent quite some time admiring it and taking pictures of it, before placing it in the compost and continuing with my cooking.


and finally, look at all this beautiful food... (this was at the last women's circle)

dancing

my sister gave me some pictures that she and ricardo took on their vacation in romania, last june. she let me choose what i wanted.
the pictures i wanted most were of my two grandmothers: mamaia and bunica. they're beautiful, hartbreaking pictures. both my grandmothers are smiling genuine smiles, but you could tell that they've aged so much. they're standing right on the brink - the brink of non-being.

in one picture, mamaia is hugging roxi, and she's smiling a beautiful smile that makes me cry. she's holding on to her so tight that i wonder if they are not hurting each other. the other picture, the one of bunica is also beautiful and very simple: bunica is sitting down, holding a red geranium in her hand. she's looking to the side and offering it to someone. to my sister's baby, Julia, a symbolic gesture it seems to me, like letting go of that which is most precious and fleeting: life.

my sister also gave me another picture, at my request, one of herself and julia standing on the beach in portugal. the ocean is their background, and i can't help but think how appropiate an image this is for their life: (seemingly) infinite, open, full of possibility. beautiful. my sister and julia look stunning, their faces soft and open in the late afternoon light.

on saturday, i come home around noon, after having had couple of hours to myself, a wonderful treat. i am feeling great, energized, inspired, as usual after time alone. the house is empty, ed and the kids still out. i feel like dancing. i put on the music i like, and take out the three pictures from my sister. i put them up on the mantle, so i can see them and they can see me as i dance.

at first it's too intense. i can't look at any one picture for too long, especially the ones of my grandmothers, or else i'll start to cry. i keep dancing, glancing to the mantle only once in a while. i feel a bit self-conscious, like they're watching me. but i also feel too good to care. bit by bit i let go, moving the way i want to, no inhibition.

suddenly, an image comes to my mind. it's 25 years ago, or more. my sister and i are at mamaia's house. we're putting on a show for her.

mamaia is sitting on the bed. my sister and i are hiding in a tiny corner between her armoire and the wall. we've rummaged through the armoire already, and are now dressing ourselves in scarves, and other fancy clothes that we've picked out of her wardrobe. it doesn't matter that they don't fit us. we're pretending that we are stars in a show.

when we're satisfied with our appearance, it's time for our big entrance. we ask mamaia if she's ready, and she says she is. she's watching as my sister and i step out from behind the armoire. our performance consists of singing, dancing, reciting poetry, and just parading around the room in our fancy costumes. mamaia aplauds. she's our biggest fan, our only fan.

now, as i dance around the room, by myself, with my grandmother's and sister's pictures looking at me, i feel a strange connection to way back then, a closing of the circle. not only do i feel connected to them, but also to the little girl i was. i feel moved and healed by this experience. i realize one thing: that whatever hardships i may have encountered so far couldn't have damaged me too much if i can still dance like this, feel this good. maybe, on the contrary, they opened me to further experiences of joy and awareness.

dancing harder than ever, it seems appropriate that the song that touches me at the moment is called Utopia, and the only words in it i can understand (most of it is in arabic) are:
"i believe we can survive in Utopia
...
sing, sing children of the world,
to the One that we all are".

thank you

when i was driving to the beach earlier this week, i was struck (again) by the realization that i am able to have this life i now have (and love) due, in great part, to my parents, who were always firm in their belief that i should pursue a career that allows one to live well in this world (financially speaking). and so i did. for 10 years, i pursued my engineering career, and it gave me lots of fun and challenges at first, and then it slowly wore off, as many things do. what it also gave me is financial security, to a degree i feel comfortable with, so that now i am able to do what i feel most drawn to and most inspired by, with my life. like driving to the beach on a sunny summer day, to spend time playing in the sand with my kids; to spend time doing nothing special, which of course is very special.

thank you

on a rainy day

do you realize that
this Rain that's falling,
not only nourishes the Earth,
but,
it provides connection
some kind of equality.

this Rain that falls on me
was once sweat on your skin
was the ocean you threw yourself in.

It was tears in my grandmother's eyes
It touched everything and everyone
at some time.

i like to think of It as
love and sorrow falling from the sky.

so,
don't open your umbrella,
don't hide inside your house,
step out of any shelter
and,
let It touch you,
let me touch you.

kids, food, and the circle

these pics are of (top to bottom):

the kids, intenlty watching some pictures on the computer;

ed's beautiful vegetables. i made a great ratatouille with them. cooking what we grew feels like an act of worship to me. this food is so perfect, so vibrant and alive, that i find myself compelled to treat it with respect and reverence. food and cooking will never be the same for me. even if i cook with store-bought food, i think i'll see it in a totally different way, now that i know what it takes to grow it and bring it to our table.

the last picture is from our last women's circle.

sunday morning, out for a bike ride

sena and i are having the best time right now.

ed took aiyana to the flea market this morning, and sena and i got on my bike and headed out for some time together. we went to the cafe first, bc we both love it. we sat outside, had some goodies, talked and relaxed. sena played in a small rock garden they have, and when she had enough of that, we biked to a pond nearby to see the ducks and geese.

we sat on the grass, in the shade of a tree, and watched the geese graze and the ducks waddle as they came to us, hoping for some food. one mama duck had a really small ducking with her, and they came right up to us and, when we had no food to give them, they decided to hang out anyway, and nestled cozily right by our feet. it was really nice that they felt that comfortable. and the duckling was so cute...

then sena and i got on the bike again, and did a tour of UConn looking for a place with internet. finally, we ended up here, at the library, and will soon be on our way to the bookstore to look at some books.

i am so happy that sena and i like the same things: bikeriding, the bookstore, the cafe... it's so easy to have fun together.
oh, and i didn't mention that it's just beautiful outside, sunny and breezy, not too hot or humid. just a very uplifting kind of day. what a treat!

peace

the book i'm currently reading

i just picked up a new book from the library: Alice Walker's "The way forward is with a broken heart".

i got it bc i love the title; i feel that it reflects a hidden, and very private, part of myself. i love how it's so encompassing, both hopeful and sad.

i started reading the book today and love it, so far.

singing together

some recent pics of:

aiyana waking up in the morning (this girl is such a trouble maker, and has such an attitude, that if she weren't so cute she'd have to start worrying...)

a morning hug (they were both in a good mood, which is always nice)

and singing "the wheels on the bus" together (i just heard the best version of this song recently, by Sharon Jones. it's funky and nothing like any other version i heard before. unfortunately the kids don't really like it, they prefer the more traditional versions)

a crazy week

i've had a bit of a rough week. sena got sick on monday. she had a sore throat, high fever, headache and vomitting, and was pretty miserable for a couple of days. we were afraid it may be strep but then found out that it wasn't. it was just a virus that's been going around (her friends have it as well). she's feeling much better now, but yesterday it looked like aiyana was also getting a fever and i thought she was going to have the same thing as sena; but then she seems to be normal today, so i guess she didn't get it after all.

in any case, the whole thing wore me out, the constant attention, the worrying, etc. on top of everything, yesterday ed and i had a hard time with each other. i felt very frustrated trying to communicate with him and being misunderstood. it wasn't much better this morning...

when i finally got the kids in the car today to go and do a bunch of errands, i turned on the radio, and it was tuned to this obscure, local radio station; they were playing some punk-rock music, nothing i knew, but it was really fast and loud and to me, felt like the perfect reflection of my inner state.

i wanted to scream myself, and maybe even throw something, that would've felt really good; but i didn't feel that this was an option. so this type of music being the next best thing, i was relieved to hear it, and turned it up as loud as i could bear. i took the long way to wherever we were going, just so i could spend more time in the car listening to it. the kids didn't seem to mind, and by the time we got to our destination, i felt so much better....