a miserable week, coming to an end (i think)

phew, what a week! probably one of the most miserable weeks of my life. there i was, having a great summer, feeling amazing, eating really weel, etc.etc. i felt pretty much invincible, and maybe that was my problem.
then this hit - just a virus, i think, but a pretty nasty one that i'm still not free from.

so i've been sick since last sunday. started with a very sore throat, fever, congestion, and then moved on to cough, body aches, more fever, and the last thing, a nasty cold sore brough on by the fever. a cold sore right on my tongue, so that i could not speak, eat, drink, or even swallow without a lot of pain.

i took everything i knew of: tons of vitamin C, elderberry, echinacea, my regular multivitamins. i think all of these helped but none dramatically. at one point i was really stuffed up, could not sleep or breathe - and the only thing that helped then was the netty pot (is this how you spell it?) which i used to wash out my sinuses. that seemed to clear me up so that i could sleep a few hours. also, lots of hot showers - they helped soothe my whole body, and gave some temporary relief from aches and stuffiness. for my cold sore, i did salt and golden seal rinces, i used licorice extract locally (good antiviral) and lysene supplements. i think they worked, bc it took only 3 days to heal, as opposed to about a week regularly.

i feel like this was such an ordeal though. i became so depressed at some points. day after day, i found myself dragging, dreading the night-time especially, because i could not sleep though i badly needed it. i found myself unable to look after the kids, and yet i had to. when i got the cold sore, and could not speak without a lot of pain, that was the hardest. try being with 2 little kids and not speaking. it's impossible, i constantly have to mitigate, tell them to stay away from stuff, or just answer the incessant questions. and it felt like every word was torture.

i also felt that if only i could get enough sleep, my body would recover. but one night it was my throat aching, another my inability to breathe due to congestion, then body aches - all these things made it really hard and frustrating to sleep. i woke up each morning totally depleted, depressed and wondering how i would get through the day with the kids.

as soon as i got sick, i started giving everyone echinacea, elderberry and vitamin C. i'm really glad i did this. so far, ed hasn't gotten sick yet; sena had only a runny nose for 1 day and then she was fine; aiyana did get sick, but even she made it through pretty easily. we did have one terrible night with her, the first night she was sick. she was stuffed up so she could not breathe through her nose. when we went to bed, she tried to nurse as usual, but couldn't and then she started crying and being more and more upset, which got her more stuffed up. eventually she was crying so hard she threw up. i sat up with her all night, this was the only way she could nurse and calm down. but i couldn't sleep in a sitting position, and felt miserable being sick myself. fortunately, the next day aiyana was much better (i was worse) and she's been better since.

being sick like this reminded me again of what a blessing it is just to be healthy. i felt like all i wanted was to have my old self back, to feel my body strong and healthy, to have that feeling of joy of life. it was hard to feel any joy while i was so miserable, and i felt so sad for people who are chronically ill.

yesterday was my worst day, and in the afternoon i broke down and cried. i couldn't stop crying and my head was pounding. i felt so alone and hopeless. ed was there, trying to help but he too was spent. he tried to help as much as possible since i got sick, and he also had to go to work. finally, when as i got worse, he took some days off, but even so, he felt exhausted and overwhelmed by everything, esp. with aiyana being sick too. so yesterday he was in a pretty sour mood, and i felt miserable. he said he needed a break and i just didn't know what to do. sena kept saying that she wanted one of us to play with her and be with her, and aiyana was crying on and off. neither one of us could deal, so then what? i just felt so alone.

ed's mom and my sister have been helping, esp at the begining of the week, but as we got sicker, i didn't feel right asking them to come oevr and exposing them to this nasty thing we had. so we found ourselves trying to do it alone and it was really hard.

when i was crying the hardest, sena started telling me what a good mom i am, and then she said that if she had to pick anyone, she would pick me to be her mom. this made me feel good, and it also made me so sad, because i just couldn't be there for her. on the positive side, i guess it's good for her to see me down, to see me crying and struggling. i don't believe in hiding these emotions from her, because i think it's healthier that she see me as a human being with many limittations; i think it's important for her to see me struggle through stuff, as this will undoubtedly be part of her life as well.

today, ed stayed home in the morning. sena and aiyana slept well last night. i did ok, not great. ed went to work mid-morning and then his mom came and took the kids (they were both feeling great this morning). i went back to bed and woke up feeling much better that i have been lately. i feel like i am finally on the upswing. don't want to push myself too much, but i am glad to notice that i am getting a little bit excited about being outside again. i'm looking fwd to a short walk or maybe a bikeride. i feel the energy slowly coming back to me, and i feel as if my spirit is becoming lighter, and happier.

i also feel like there's something i need to learn from this sickness, although it's still not quite clear what. during my (seemingly) countless hours of in between sleep and wakefulness, tossing and turning in discomfort, i had many insights that seemed significant at the time, but unfortunately, i forgot all of them. i can't recollect them at will, although i know that they're still with me, maybe waiting for another time to emerge.

one thing i'm clear on is just what a gift it is to be healthy and whole. this morning i sat outside for a few minutes, eating a bowl of miso soup; the sun was out and a little breeze was gently sweeping over me, and it felt so nice and so healing just to sit there and experience these wonderful things. the miso soup tasted delicious, and i felt grateful to be able to enjoy the taste of food again.

so, on this note, i wish that everyone be healthy, happy, whole.

peace