bran castle and dimbovicioara cave

this is also known as Dracula's castle outside romania. at first, i wasn't too excited about going there (i've already been a few years ago), but sena was so into it that i actually ended up enjoying it a lot more than i expected bc of her... she was esp thrilled by the fact that a real princess had once lived there.
as for dracula, he doesn't have much to do with anything there, but the myth is paying off for the vendors just outside the castle with their mugs, tshirts and all that kind of stuff. they even built a haunted house to go w foreigh tourists' expectations, i assume, but it seems totally out of place.

this cave was another site that i enjoyed mostly because of sena's excitement. she really liked the fact that bear fossils were found inside, and she wanted us to tell her about how bears hybernate over and over again. the surroundings of the cave were very pretty, so we ended up having lunch and relaxing there for a while. the drive there was very dramatic, small road winding through sheer cliff faces.

back home

we've been back from romania for about a week. i've been feeling really high, really alive and glad to be wherever i am. unfortunately, i haven't had time to write although i really wanted to. i do hope to get a chance to write soon, but for now i'll just post some pics from our trip.

peace

trying out a video

let's see if this works...
last friday i took sena and aiyana to the park. they were riding their bikes and having a good time, and i tried to take some video; but, sena felt very strongly that i could not take video while they were riding, only when they were sitting down. so i got them as she explains this rule.
also, notice how aiyana tries to sit exactly like sena, and keeps repositioning her legs. she wants so much to be just like big sis, in everything she does....

thank you

thank you for reading my blog. i am very grateful to have for this space in which i can express myself.

looking fwd to more of this...
peace

going to romania

i am excited and a little nervous about our upcoming trip to romania. we are leaving this coming wednesday and coming back in 2 weeks. planning to spend half our time in Bucharest with my grandmothers, and the other half in the countryside, (hopefuly) relaxing and enjoying nature.

we're all going, and this will be aiyana's first trip overseas. sena oscillates between wanting to go and not. i am excited about seeing my grandmothers, but a little nervous about how things will go with the kids. it's always a little difficult when we leave our own environment and the routines we're used to. but i'm doing my best to face this, which means that i'm not thinking about it too much, and just trying to be with what's going on at the moment. as of right now, i'm feeling great, and ed and the kids are doing well too. we're almost done with packing (all ed's doing; you know me, i'd be packing the night before, franticvally trying to get everything together at the last minute).

i'm a little sad to be leaving CT at this beautiful time of year. there are apples on the trees, grapes and sumac everywhere, and all kinds of veges in the garden. the trees have already started to change color, and the weather has been amazing - sunny and cool. perfect for sleeping, and for just breathing in and getting that rush of being alive (at least that's how i experience it). but then again, i have come, in the past few years, to really love all the seasons and to see how they mirror so many other things in life. so i guess i have a lot to look fwd to after we come back from romania.

i'm curious as to how i will experience romania this time. how i will see the people, and the life there. in the past, it's been mixed: i was discouraged by the corruption and selfishness, and by the extreme pragmatism permeating the atmosphere; but i was also pleased to meet some people that seemed (despite the surroundings) to have stayed kind and peaceful in their attitude towards themselves and others. this time, i'd like as much as possible to drop my views and concepts about romania and its people, and experience it again.

peace

sena, my teacher

a while ago, i copied these lines in my journal: "...the teachers we need most are the people we're living with now. Our spouses, parents and children are the clearest masters we could hope for.." (Byron Katie, Loving what is).

my experience underscores the truth of these lines over and over again. (and btw, if you feel drawn to this book at all, i recommend it full-heartedly. it's been extremely useful to me so far).

for example:
lately, sena's been "acting up" during quiet time. it used to be that both kids napped in the afternoon, but recently, sena stopped. so instead, we've been doing quiet time, which means that she doesn't have to nap if she doesn't want to, but she has to keep quiet and do something on her own, like reading a book, or playing in another room. this has worked very well for a while. aiyana continued taking her naps, i got some time to rest, and sena did her own thing. but, for the past week or so, we've been having problems. sometimes, sena gets really loud, she keeps nagging me to do stuff for her, and wakes aiyana up. then aiyana gets really cranky bc she's not rested enough, and things are hard for everyone.

yesterday sena was being disrespectful despite the fact that we had discussed things beforehand. she almost woke aiyana up several times. i was tired and in need of a break, so i got very frustrated with sena and the way she was acting. overwhelmed with these emotions, i grabbed her by the arm a lot rougher than necessary, and pushed her on the couch. i was also giving her dirty looks and was generally acting mean. i instantly knew and felt that what i was doing was wrong. i was definitely acting in a way that made both sena and i feel miserable, but i couldn't stop myself. it's like the meaner i got, the more i knew i was hurting myself and her, and yet i could not stop myself.

finally, i sat next to her on the couch, finding it impossible to say anything nice, but at least i didn't grab her anymore or gave her any dirty looks. she was crying at first but then she stopped and just lay there. after a few minutes, i came down a bit and started talking to her. i told her how i didn't appreciate what she was doing, that she was being so disrespectful of aiyana's nap time and my needs. but i also told her that i didn't like the way i treated her, that i didn't want to be that way, but that i just could not control it at the time. i asked her how she felt and she said she felt good with me, and came in my lap. i held her for a while, and it felt really good, and i also felt terrible for the way i had been. i always imagine that when i'm mean i cause some irreparable damage to her, but maybe that's not true. she seems so forgiving, and i also think that talking asbout it and explaining to her why i lose control makes it less scary for her. afetr we sat holding each other for a while, she seemed happy and wanted to play again.

a day later, i was reading the book i refered to above, and found it very helpful in regards to my situation with sena. basically i saw that the problem is not that sena isn't quiet (sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't). the problem is that i continue to expect her to be quiet when experience proves that this is unrealistic. this expectation doesn't change what's happening. mostly, it ends up causing me stress, anger and frustration.

maybe it will get easier for sena to do quiet time on a regular basis as she gets older. for now, i think it's best that i stop expecting it. but then, what about aiyana's nap and my rest? i know that these are very important, so i have to find ways that work for everyone. expecting sena to be quiet has caused me so much stress that it cannot be the right answer.

so this is what it is, being with kids, being with the people that push you to your limits, that get you in your most painful spots. it's a constant challenge, and if i go with it (instead of opposing it), it always brings me understanding and compassion, for myself and everyone else involved. it's the hardest way to live, the most tiring and demanding (also the most freeing). but i don't feel i have a choice.if i refuse to deal with the issues that come up, if i refuse to question my responses situations like these, i am only compounding the problem.

if i tell myself that my problems lie with the kids or ed or anyone/anything outside of myself, i am lying and setting myself up for more.
i feel that my kids and ed are my best teachers because they shove it right in my face. i have no choice but to deal with it, whatever it may be. they reflect back at me the parts of myself that are the hardest to deal with and to change, and they give me no choice. there's no doubt that this is the hardest work i've ever done, but it's also the most rewarding, and right now, the only work that matters.

some time to myself

it seems that i haven't had time to myself in a while (except for when i was sick - but that was too miserable to count);
today i have some time, and i am enjoying it to the fullest.

so, in no particular order, here's what's going on:

aiyana was in a great mood this morning and she made me laugh;
a sunflower bloomed in my garden (the groundhog kept eating the sunflowers until he was relocated, and i never thought they'd survive, but they did);
i'm enjoying cooking and eating again, now that my cold sore is gone; last night i made a nice, spicy ratatouille and a delicious apple-pear crisp. we polished everything off;
my friend sue came over last night and made me laugh enough to sustain me for a while;
the sun is shining;
i have discovered that it's impossible to love one person. because love is much greater, and more inclusive than that. when i feel love, i cannot restrict it to one specific individual or thing. it just spills over into everything and fills my whole life.

peace

archery

somehow i got into shooting a bow and arrows. so when i have a minute, and nobody is around, i practice on a haystack that ed set up in front of our house, with an apple on top.

i didn't realize that it requires quite a bit of arm strength to pull the string on the bow and to keep it steady while focusing on shooting the arrow.
why i feel so drawn to this is because i feel it allows me to focus my attention and energy fully and completely, for a short amount of time, in a way that very few other things do. and then, of course there's the satisfaction of hitting the apple.

so i haven't done much of it yet, because i've been sick and the kids have been around. i feel that this is something i want to do alone, and i'm looking forward to more of it.

peace

a miserable week, coming to an end (i think)

phew, what a week! probably one of the most miserable weeks of my life. there i was, having a great summer, feeling amazing, eating really weel, etc.etc. i felt pretty much invincible, and maybe that was my problem.
then this hit - just a virus, i think, but a pretty nasty one that i'm still not free from.

so i've been sick since last sunday. started with a very sore throat, fever, congestion, and then moved on to cough, body aches, more fever, and the last thing, a nasty cold sore brough on by the fever. a cold sore right on my tongue, so that i could not speak, eat, drink, or even swallow without a lot of pain.

i took everything i knew of: tons of vitamin C, elderberry, echinacea, my regular multivitamins. i think all of these helped but none dramatically. at one point i was really stuffed up, could not sleep or breathe - and the only thing that helped then was the netty pot (is this how you spell it?) which i used to wash out my sinuses. that seemed to clear me up so that i could sleep a few hours. also, lots of hot showers - they helped soothe my whole body, and gave some temporary relief from aches and stuffiness. for my cold sore, i did salt and golden seal rinces, i used licorice extract locally (good antiviral) and lysene supplements. i think they worked, bc it took only 3 days to heal, as opposed to about a week regularly.

i feel like this was such an ordeal though. i became so depressed at some points. day after day, i found myself dragging, dreading the night-time especially, because i could not sleep though i badly needed it. i found myself unable to look after the kids, and yet i had to. when i got the cold sore, and could not speak without a lot of pain, that was the hardest. try being with 2 little kids and not speaking. it's impossible, i constantly have to mitigate, tell them to stay away from stuff, or just answer the incessant questions. and it felt like every word was torture.

i also felt that if only i could get enough sleep, my body would recover. but one night it was my throat aching, another my inability to breathe due to congestion, then body aches - all these things made it really hard and frustrating to sleep. i woke up each morning totally depleted, depressed and wondering how i would get through the day with the kids.

as soon as i got sick, i started giving everyone echinacea, elderberry and vitamin C. i'm really glad i did this. so far, ed hasn't gotten sick yet; sena had only a runny nose for 1 day and then she was fine; aiyana did get sick, but even she made it through pretty easily. we did have one terrible night with her, the first night she was sick. she was stuffed up so she could not breathe through her nose. when we went to bed, she tried to nurse as usual, but couldn't and then she started crying and being more and more upset, which got her more stuffed up. eventually she was crying so hard she threw up. i sat up with her all night, this was the only way she could nurse and calm down. but i couldn't sleep in a sitting position, and felt miserable being sick myself. fortunately, the next day aiyana was much better (i was worse) and she's been better since.

being sick like this reminded me again of what a blessing it is just to be healthy. i felt like all i wanted was to have my old self back, to feel my body strong and healthy, to have that feeling of joy of life. it was hard to feel any joy while i was so miserable, and i felt so sad for people who are chronically ill.

yesterday was my worst day, and in the afternoon i broke down and cried. i couldn't stop crying and my head was pounding. i felt so alone and hopeless. ed was there, trying to help but he too was spent. he tried to help as much as possible since i got sick, and he also had to go to work. finally, when as i got worse, he took some days off, but even so, he felt exhausted and overwhelmed by everything, esp. with aiyana being sick too. so yesterday he was in a pretty sour mood, and i felt miserable. he said he needed a break and i just didn't know what to do. sena kept saying that she wanted one of us to play with her and be with her, and aiyana was crying on and off. neither one of us could deal, so then what? i just felt so alone.

ed's mom and my sister have been helping, esp at the begining of the week, but as we got sicker, i didn't feel right asking them to come oevr and exposing them to this nasty thing we had. so we found ourselves trying to do it alone and it was really hard.

when i was crying the hardest, sena started telling me what a good mom i am, and then she said that if she had to pick anyone, she would pick me to be her mom. this made me feel good, and it also made me so sad, because i just couldn't be there for her. on the positive side, i guess it's good for her to see me down, to see me crying and struggling. i don't believe in hiding these emotions from her, because i think it's healthier that she see me as a human being with many limittations; i think it's important for her to see me struggle through stuff, as this will undoubtedly be part of her life as well.

today, ed stayed home in the morning. sena and aiyana slept well last night. i did ok, not great. ed went to work mid-morning and then his mom came and took the kids (they were both feeling great this morning). i went back to bed and woke up feeling much better that i have been lately. i feel like i am finally on the upswing. don't want to push myself too much, but i am glad to notice that i am getting a little bit excited about being outside again. i'm looking fwd to a short walk or maybe a bikeride. i feel the energy slowly coming back to me, and i feel as if my spirit is becoming lighter, and happier.

i also feel like there's something i need to learn from this sickness, although it's still not quite clear what. during my (seemingly) countless hours of in between sleep and wakefulness, tossing and turning in discomfort, i had many insights that seemed significant at the time, but unfortunately, i forgot all of them. i can't recollect them at will, although i know that they're still with me, maybe waiting for another time to emerge.

one thing i'm clear on is just what a gift it is to be healthy and whole. this morning i sat outside for a few minutes, eating a bowl of miso soup; the sun was out and a little breeze was gently sweeping over me, and it felt so nice and so healing just to sit there and experience these wonderful things. the miso soup tasted delicious, and i felt grateful to be able to enjoy the taste of food again.

so, on this note, i wish that everyone be healthy, happy, whole.

peace

sena's one-liners

last weekend, sena said to me quite out of the blue:
"mom, i'm happy that you're my mom".
of course, i got all teary-eyed, gave her some big hugs and tried to tell her how amazing that made me feel, but by the time i was done with all my talking and trying to convey to her how i felt, she, of course had already moved on to the next thing.

kids can find something special in almost anything. which proves that it's not the thing itself that is special, but it's you, who bring to it your own vision and quality of being.
so anyway, we were riding our bikes on sunday night, and were approaching a traffic light. sena loves to push the button that makes the pedestrian light turn green. so way before we even got to the light, she started asking me if she could be the one to push the button. and i said she could. and then she said, satisfied and quite sure of herself: "i'm the button artist".
well, i never thought of pushing a traffic light button as art, but that just shows how limited my view is.

finally, one morning this week, sena woke up and she was in a bad mood, not quite ready to get out of bed. she started whining and i asked her to stop and just tell me what's wrong, and she said: "i just can't deal with myself". which i knew exactly what she meant because that's how i feel almost every morning, esp when i wake up before i'm ready, but i never thought of expressing it that way....

peace

groudhog, forcefully relocated

my friend the groundhog has been relocated. forcefully relocated. somehow he managed to bypass the 8-ft-tall fence that ed built and got into the garden. he ate almost all the carrots and parsley.... ed and shandra were not pleased.
so in this picture, you can see him in the have-a -heart trap, just before ed drove him 5 miles away from our house and dropped him off in the woods.

a few days ago, i was getting some collard greens ready to cook, when i notice this pretty little caterpillar on the back of one of the leaves. i spent quite some time admiring it and taking pictures of it, before placing it in the compost and continuing with my cooking.


and finally, look at all this beautiful food... (this was at the last women's circle)

dancing

my sister gave me some pictures that she and ricardo took on their vacation in romania, last june. she let me choose what i wanted.
the pictures i wanted most were of my two grandmothers: mamaia and bunica. they're beautiful, hartbreaking pictures. both my grandmothers are smiling genuine smiles, but you could tell that they've aged so much. they're standing right on the brink - the brink of non-being.

in one picture, mamaia is hugging roxi, and she's smiling a beautiful smile that makes me cry. she's holding on to her so tight that i wonder if they are not hurting each other. the other picture, the one of bunica is also beautiful and very simple: bunica is sitting down, holding a red geranium in her hand. she's looking to the side and offering it to someone. to my sister's baby, Julia, a symbolic gesture it seems to me, like letting go of that which is most precious and fleeting: life.

my sister also gave me another picture, at my request, one of herself and julia standing on the beach in portugal. the ocean is their background, and i can't help but think how appropiate an image this is for their life: (seemingly) infinite, open, full of possibility. beautiful. my sister and julia look stunning, their faces soft and open in the late afternoon light.

on saturday, i come home around noon, after having had couple of hours to myself, a wonderful treat. i am feeling great, energized, inspired, as usual after time alone. the house is empty, ed and the kids still out. i feel like dancing. i put on the music i like, and take out the three pictures from my sister. i put them up on the mantle, so i can see them and they can see me as i dance.

at first it's too intense. i can't look at any one picture for too long, especially the ones of my grandmothers, or else i'll start to cry. i keep dancing, glancing to the mantle only once in a while. i feel a bit self-conscious, like they're watching me. but i also feel too good to care. bit by bit i let go, moving the way i want to, no inhibition.

suddenly, an image comes to my mind. it's 25 years ago, or more. my sister and i are at mamaia's house. we're putting on a show for her.

mamaia is sitting on the bed. my sister and i are hiding in a tiny corner between her armoire and the wall. we've rummaged through the armoire already, and are now dressing ourselves in scarves, and other fancy clothes that we've picked out of her wardrobe. it doesn't matter that they don't fit us. we're pretending that we are stars in a show.

when we're satisfied with our appearance, it's time for our big entrance. we ask mamaia if she's ready, and she says she is. she's watching as my sister and i step out from behind the armoire. our performance consists of singing, dancing, reciting poetry, and just parading around the room in our fancy costumes. mamaia aplauds. she's our biggest fan, our only fan.

now, as i dance around the room, by myself, with my grandmother's and sister's pictures looking at me, i feel a strange connection to way back then, a closing of the circle. not only do i feel connected to them, but also to the little girl i was. i feel moved and healed by this experience. i realize one thing: that whatever hardships i may have encountered so far couldn't have damaged me too much if i can still dance like this, feel this good. maybe, on the contrary, they opened me to further experiences of joy and awareness.

dancing harder than ever, it seems appropriate that the song that touches me at the moment is called Utopia, and the only words in it i can understand (most of it is in arabic) are:
"i believe we can survive in Utopia
...
sing, sing children of the world,
to the One that we all are".

thank you

when i was driving to the beach earlier this week, i was struck (again) by the realization that i am able to have this life i now have (and love) due, in great part, to my parents, who were always firm in their belief that i should pursue a career that allows one to live well in this world (financially speaking). and so i did. for 10 years, i pursued my engineering career, and it gave me lots of fun and challenges at first, and then it slowly wore off, as many things do. what it also gave me is financial security, to a degree i feel comfortable with, so that now i am able to do what i feel most drawn to and most inspired by, with my life. like driving to the beach on a sunny summer day, to spend time playing in the sand with my kids; to spend time doing nothing special, which of course is very special.

thank you

on a rainy day

do you realize that
this Rain that's falling,
not only nourishes the Earth,
but,
it provides connection
some kind of equality.

this Rain that falls on me
was once sweat on your skin
was the ocean you threw yourself in.

It was tears in my grandmother's eyes
It touched everything and everyone
at some time.

i like to think of It as
love and sorrow falling from the sky.

so,
don't open your umbrella,
don't hide inside your house,
step out of any shelter
and,
let It touch you,
let me touch you.

kids, food, and the circle

these pics are of (top to bottom):

the kids, intenlty watching some pictures on the computer;

ed's beautiful vegetables. i made a great ratatouille with them. cooking what we grew feels like an act of worship to me. this food is so perfect, so vibrant and alive, that i find myself compelled to treat it with respect and reverence. food and cooking will never be the same for me. even if i cook with store-bought food, i think i'll see it in a totally different way, now that i know what it takes to grow it and bring it to our table.

the last picture is from our last women's circle.

sunday morning, out for a bike ride

sena and i are having the best time right now.

ed took aiyana to the flea market this morning, and sena and i got on my bike and headed out for some time together. we went to the cafe first, bc we both love it. we sat outside, had some goodies, talked and relaxed. sena played in a small rock garden they have, and when she had enough of that, we biked to a pond nearby to see the ducks and geese.

we sat on the grass, in the shade of a tree, and watched the geese graze and the ducks waddle as they came to us, hoping for some food. one mama duck had a really small ducking with her, and they came right up to us and, when we had no food to give them, they decided to hang out anyway, and nestled cozily right by our feet. it was really nice that they felt that comfortable. and the duckling was so cute...

then sena and i got on the bike again, and did a tour of UConn looking for a place with internet. finally, we ended up here, at the library, and will soon be on our way to the bookstore to look at some books.

i am so happy that sena and i like the same things: bikeriding, the bookstore, the cafe... it's so easy to have fun together.
oh, and i didn't mention that it's just beautiful outside, sunny and breezy, not too hot or humid. just a very uplifting kind of day. what a treat!

peace

the book i'm currently reading

i just picked up a new book from the library: Alice Walker's "The way forward is with a broken heart".

i got it bc i love the title; i feel that it reflects a hidden, and very private, part of myself. i love how it's so encompassing, both hopeful and sad.

i started reading the book today and love it, so far.

singing together

some recent pics of:

aiyana waking up in the morning (this girl is such a trouble maker, and has such an attitude, that if she weren't so cute she'd have to start worrying...)

a morning hug (they were both in a good mood, which is always nice)

and singing "the wheels on the bus" together (i just heard the best version of this song recently, by Sharon Jones. it's funky and nothing like any other version i heard before. unfortunately the kids don't really like it, they prefer the more traditional versions)

a crazy week

i've had a bit of a rough week. sena got sick on monday. she had a sore throat, high fever, headache and vomitting, and was pretty miserable for a couple of days. we were afraid it may be strep but then found out that it wasn't. it was just a virus that's been going around (her friends have it as well). she's feeling much better now, but yesterday it looked like aiyana was also getting a fever and i thought she was going to have the same thing as sena; but then she seems to be normal today, so i guess she didn't get it after all.

in any case, the whole thing wore me out, the constant attention, the worrying, etc. on top of everything, yesterday ed and i had a hard time with each other. i felt very frustrated trying to communicate with him and being misunderstood. it wasn't much better this morning...

when i finally got the kids in the car today to go and do a bunch of errands, i turned on the radio, and it was tuned to this obscure, local radio station; they were playing some punk-rock music, nothing i knew, but it was really fast and loud and to me, felt like the perfect reflection of my inner state.

i wanted to scream myself, and maybe even throw something, that would've felt really good; but i didn't feel that this was an option. so this type of music being the next best thing, i was relieved to hear it, and turned it up as loud as i could bear. i took the long way to wherever we were going, just so i could spend more time in the car listening to it. the kids didn't seem to mind, and by the time we got to our destination, i felt so much better....

food from the garden

ed and shandra (our neighbor) started a garden this past spring. they planted a bunch of veges and put an 8ft-tall fence all around to keep the deer, groundhog, chickens, and anyone else who may have wanted to come in, out.

the garden has done really well, and as a result we've been eating some amazing food. i can't tell you how good it feels to cook and eat veges we just pulled out of the ground: onions, summer squash, beans, peas, parsley, etc.

there's something magical in seeing a perfect squash, for example, that sprung out of dirt and seeds - out of nothing it seems. my body is very grateful for it too. i can definitely see the connection between what i eat and how i feel right now. i've been feeling so great over the past few weeks, healthy and energetic, and i really think it has a lot to do with what i've been eating.

the other day i made a kick-ass curry with all kinds of veges from the garden; then i made some pesto that i eat as a snack on crackers or whatever; we've also been eating all kinds of berries, some of which grow all around our house.

i never realized how much fun having a garden and growing your own food can be! not to mention cheap...we've been saving quite a bit over the past few weeks.

so i am especially grateful to ed and shandra for all their work in growing this beautiful food!

happy eating!
yum!

god

i think that god must be lonely. how could she not be, knowing everything she does, seeig throught this foolishnes that keeps the rest of us blind?
but, of course, god must be beyond loneliness. although, i admit i can't imagine what that's like, being beyond loneliness, being complete onto oneself.

i imagine god as an incredibly creative, and playful being. maybe that's why it feel so good when we're like that too.

when it comes to love, i think god is at her most extravagant. i think she invented all these different kinds of love, she made everything possible, just for the fun of it. i have a feeling that she really likes the bittersweet part of love; the longing, the yearning; the stuff that we keep trying to straighten out within ourselves but never quite seem to be able to.

when it comes to love, she made pain, beauty, intimacy and separation come together; and we're so silly, we keep trying to untangle them, wishing for only some, not the others. not realizing that if you take some away, the whole thing will fall apart.

god put her most precious stuff into the most minute, most accessible and most easily overlooked details of our lives. just for the fun of it. just to see how long it would take us to discover what's been right here all along.

she put her best stuff into the dirt of our existence, to see how long it would take before we stop trampling all over it in our blind search for something else.

god put her best stuff into things like: fireflies; flowers; clouds; rivers; children's smiles; tears; a blade of grass; the sound of a heartbeat; each breath we take.

god is a small white caterpillar crawling on a luscious, green leaf. i could tell as soon as i saw her.

at the beach

last week, my sister and i loaded the kids in the car and headed to the beach. we left on wednesday morning and came back thursday afternoon. we stayed with ed's mom, in her comfortable (yet spotless) house; aiyana peed in bed that night, something she never does at home, and i was pretty mortified...but, oh well, i guess that's what exhaustion and drinking a lot of water will do....

the weather wasn't what you'd normally associate with beach going. on wednesday, it was foggy and rained all day. it was still warm though.
so what do you do when it's a rainy day at the beach? you jump into the ocean, of course. then the rain won't matter. that's what we did, anyway, and it was kind of nice.we had the whole beach to ourselves, and the waves were big, and the kids were crazy jumping in while clinging to us with all their might. we all got drenched down to our underware, and it made no difference that we were wearing our raincoats. if it weren't for the kids and their energy, we probably would've had a miserable time in the rain; but fortunately, their enthusiasm and their capacity for having fun is so great that it swept us right along into their experience.

on wed night, my sister and i went to the beach again, and we only brought julia w us. my kids stayed home with ed's mom. something about being on the beach on a foggy evening made me feel very peaceful. i sat on the wet sand next to my sister, and just looked out to the ocean. the mist made it hard to see very far, and big waves were crashing on the shore in front of us; it looked as if they were coming out of nowhere. there was a quality of the unkown all around me, and it felt soothing and very natural.

the next morning was clear early on, but the mist returned, so that by the time we made it to the beach, the visibility was pretty low. but at least it wasn't raining. the beach was packed this time, but we found a spot for our towel, and spent a couple of hours playing in the water and in the sand. the kids were loving the waves, and were getting bold, going out farther and farther until a wave would crash over them and then they'd run back screaming.

while we were jumping in the waves, i noticed a couple standing in the water not too far from us. they were elderly, maybe in their 60's or 70's. they didn't look too healthy - both were very overweight, esp. the woman, so that they were having a hard time moving around; the man seemed to have something else going on, he was walking kind of stooped over; his teeth were very yellow. they stood in the water holding hands as the waves crashed over them. what attracted me to them was their smiles. only children smile like that.

this couple seemed to be in their own world, their faces shining with joy at the simple pleasure of being in the water. they were holding on to each other for dear life, and seemed oblivious to everything (their physical difficulties, other people, etc.), except their immediate experience. i was moved looking at them; they looked silly, maybe, but they just seemed so open and vulnerable standing there holding on to each other with those silly grins on their faces. i felt more connected to them at that moment than to anyone else around me.

when they came out of the water, still holding hands, they smiled at me and i told them that they looked really cute. what i really wanted to say is "thank you for giving me this memory", but i thoughht that would be too weird, so i settled for something more tame and lame, and a smile.

peace

more recent pics

ed, sena and aiyana, sharing some black raspberries they picked (this picture was taken in the evening; i love the quality of the light as the sun begins to set over the field in front of our house);
sena, preparing for her big jump,
and finally doing it;
and the last picture is of joyce's beautiful hybiscus.

our trip to the beach

these were in Rhode Island, last week:
joyce (ed's mom), roxi and the girls, soaked by rain and playing in the ocean;
julia, playing on the beach in the evening;
aiyana enjoying the heat of the sand;
and,
roxi with julia.

the new pill

my sister sent me an article about a new birth control pill approved by the FDA (called Lybrel i think), which will supress women's periods. so you know what i'll say about that, right? i am very predictable that way, or maybe i should say reliable in my responses, that sounds better.

i think it's crazy!
women have periods because...we're women. it's that simple. don't let some marketing man or woman persuade you that your period is too painful, inconvenient, smelly, disgusting or any of that. your period is part of who you are, a healthy, beautiful, woman.

maybe next time i have my period, i'll dress all in red, blood red from head to toe. i'm tired of apologizing for my body.

that's my take. i have very little respect for the US medical establishment and pharmaceutical industry (with some exception, like ER and trauma treatment).

i'd better stay off this topic, it brings out too much anger in me, and you can't be too wound up if you want to be credible, right?
whatever...

more whitman

Not Heaving From My Ribb'd Breast Only
by Walt Whitman


NOT heaving from my ribb'd breast only;
Not in sighs at night, in rage, dissatisfied with myself;
Not in those long-drawn, ill-supprest sighs;
Not in many an oath and promise broken;
Not in my wilful and savage soul's volition;
Not in the subtle nourishment of the air;
Not in this beating and pounding at my temples and wrists;
Not in the curious systole and diastole within, which will one day
cease;
Not in many a hungry wish, told to the skies only;
Not in cries, laughter, defiances, thrown from me when alone, far in
the wilds; 10
Not in husky pantings through clench'd teeth;
Not in sounded and resounded words--chattering words, echoes, dead
words;
Not in the murmurs of my dreams while I sleep,
Nor the other murmurs of these incredible dreams of every day;
Nor in the limbs and senses of my body, that take you and dismiss you
continually--Not there;
Not in any or all of them, O adhesiveness! O pulse of my life!
Need I that you exist and show yourself, any more than in these
songs.

saturday morning

last saturday, i had a interesting and almost scary experience.

i went to the cafe in the morning, for my two hours alone. as usual, i sat and drank my coffee and read. i'm still not sure what it was, probably a combination of coffee, excellent reading (whitman's Leaves of Grass and osho's The Book of Secrets), a gorgeous day, and me feeling particularly vulnerable and open; but when the time came for me to leave and go home, i felt very strange and otherwordly; i felt on the verge of something; like i was either about to fall down or take off in flight.

i didn't care in the least what would happen to me, i just felt light and extatic. you know that story you heard about the guy who's high on some drug and feels that he can fly and ends up jumping from a window. i felt like that, but no window to jump from. i just felt that light and unbounded.

when i got home, ed and the kids were gone. they were out picking blueberries. so i lay on the couch and just closed my eyes. my body was so light, that i felt disconnected form it, in a good way. i thought, when i am like this, nothing can hurt me. how can anything hurt me when everything is part of me and i am part of it?

matt showed up with a coffee, but i told him i had had enough for the day. i tried to describe to him how i felt, almost excusing myself for it bc i thought it may have seemed weird. he left, and i was relieved to be alone again.

i decided that i needed to ground myself back into my body somehow. so i put on some music. some putumayo world stuff. it was perfect. still with my eyes closed, i let my body move. i felt like the music was carrying me, and the movement was effortless. i though - this is what dancing is, i've never experienced it like this before. i could feel my bare feet touching the floor, and a soft breeze from outside wash over me. i was finally grounding back into my body, and it was nice. after some time, i felt less light headed and more physically present; but my dancing also lost its effortlessness, and now i was trying to control the movement.

eventually i came back to "normal" enough to start thinking of doing laundry and other stuff around the house. but i found myself exhausted. it made me think of what i read about trance. how the person who goes into trance is so intensely involved in their experience that at the end they fall down unconscious. my experience certaily did not go to that extent, but whatever it was, i felt that it left me physically and emotionally drained. if i had the choice, i would've gone into a deep sleep. but i knew that ed and the kids would soon be home, and they were (with lots of delicious blueberries, mmmm).

i thought about this experience over the following days. i found that other that its memory, and maybe a little more openness, it hasn't left me much. oh, except for this, which i wrote as i was going through it:

when i am blown away like this,
i feel like i am dying.
my body limp, my insides ravaged, free,
flying away.

i need to speak, but i cannot
express all that i feel.
i reach out clumsy, groping
i need to tell you about this,
to show you how i feel.

i feel more connected to everything,
and more alone than ever.

i close my eyes
and let whatever be.
i need connection, understanding,
some form of confirmation.

in opening my eyes,
first thing i see:
leaves on the old apple tree,
outside the window.

they, i know, do understand me,
blowing there in the wind,
i see them and finally feel
....relief.

walt whitman

i read this to myself out loud. it blew me away. made me want to dance and kiss everyone, scream be crazy:

To You
By Walt Whitman
1819-1892

Whoever you are, I fear you are walking the walks of dreams,
I fear these supposed realities are to melt from under your feet and hands,
Even now your features, joys, speech, house, trade, manners,
troubles, follies, costume, crimes, dissipate away from you,
Your true soul and body appear before me.
They stand forth out of affairs, out of commerce, shops, work,
farms, clothes, the house, buying, selling, eating, drinking,
suffering, dying.

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem,
I whisper with my lips close to your ear.
I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.

O I have been dilatory and dumb,
I should have made my way straight to you long ago,
I should have blabb'd nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing
but you.

I will leave all and come and make the hymns of you,
None has understood you, but I understand you,
None has done justice to you, you have not done justice to yourself,
None but has found you imperfect, I only find no imperfection in you,
None but would subordinate you, I only am he who will never consent
to subordinate you,
I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, God,
beyond what waits intrinsically in yourself.

Painters have painted their swarming groups and the centre-figure of all,
From the head of the centre-figure spreading a nimbus of gold-color'd light,
But I paint myriads of heads, but paint no head without its nimbus
of gold-color'd light,
From my hand from the brain of every man and woman it streams,
effulgently flowing forever.

O I could sing such grandeurs and glories about you!
You have not known what you are, you have slumber'd upon yourself
all your life,
Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,
What you have done returns already in mockeries,
(Your thrift, knowledge, prayers, if they do not return in
mockeries, what is their return?)

The mockeries are not you,
Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,
I pursue you where none else has pursued you,
Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the
accustom'd routine, if these conceal you from others or from
yourself, they do not conceal you from me,
The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these
balk others they do not balk me,
The pert apparel, the deform'd attitude, drunkenness, greed,
premature death, all these I part aside.

There is no endowment in man or woman that is not tallied in you,
There is no virtue, no beauty in man or woman, but as good is in you,
No pluck, no endurance in others, but as good is in you,
No pleasure waiting for others, but an equal pleasure waits for you.

As for me, I give nothing to any one except I give the like carefully
to you,
I sing the songs of the glory of none, not God, sooner than I sing
the songs of the glory of you.

Whoever you are! claim your own at any hazard!
These shows of the East and West are tame compared to you,
These immense meadows, these interminable rivers, you are immense
and interminable as they,
These furies, elements, storms, motions of Nature, throes of apparent
dissolution, you are he or she who is master or mistress over them,
Master or mistress in your own right over Nature, elements, pain,
passion, dissolution.

The hopples fall from your ankles, you find an unfailing sufficiency,
Old or young, male or female, rude, low, rejected by the rest,
whatever you are promulges itself,
Through birth, life, death, burial, the means are provided, nothing
is scanted,
Through angers, losses, ambition, ignorance, ennui, what you are
picks its way.

books

lately, i've been trying to stay away from books that tell me how to do things: how to do yoga, how to paint, how to be healthy, how to be happy, etc., because they often make me feel stifled. they literaly make it me feel out of breath, maybe bc i'm putting so much pressure on myself to conform to the "ideal" they present. often, these kinds of books describe their particular way of doing / being and something inside me rebels, knowing that there's more to life that that.

but,
yesterday i saw this book at thomasyn's house, a book i had heard and read about. it's called "writing down the bones", by natalie goldberg. it's abut writing. i borrowed it and have been reading it and have to say that it's not making me feel bad at all. i actually find it very inspiring and refreshing. she has a very generous, open perspective on writng, and she passes no judgements. i feel that more that telling you how to write or what "good" writing is, she just talks about her experience, about how her life and writing draw on each other. so far, much of what she writes, and also how she writes, resonates with me. so i find myself inspired and empowered by her book, rather than passing judgements on myself and comparing myself to someone i'm not. her writing is simple and, i guess i'd call it universal, in the sense that it applies to antyhing, any endeavor one may chose to pursue, not only
writing. so if you're moved by this in any way, i definitely recommend checking out her book.

my 3 hours

i'm feeling really good right now. my sister has my kids and i have 3 hrs to myself. it's gorgeous outside, and i'm having chocolate and coffee. i have my books, my journal and my laptop. i can go hiking if i want or i can just sit here at the cafe doing nothing. i love it. i have to admit that scarcity of time is very good for me, in the sense that it makes my time alone so precious. whatever i end up doing, it could be the most trivial thing, i end up enjoying it so much and my time is always so sweet....

so my sister and i started this thing, where i take her daughter Julia on mondays, and she takes my kids on thursdays. i'm watching julia bc my sister is going to be returning to work in september, so she will need one day of care per week, so i offered to do it; and she, in return takes my kids one day, so i get a break. i like this arrangement a lot - hopefuly it will work out really well for everyone.

i love doing these things where we help each other - it's the feeling of community i always longed for. yesterday for example, a bunch of us went over to my friend's thomasyn's house and helped her paint her house. we were about 6 women total, all with kids. we had one or two women watching the kids and the rest of us painted. everyone brought some food, so we had a feast for lunch; the kids had fun, and thomasyn got a lot more done than if she were working alone. we want to take turns doing this for whoever needs to get something done. it just feels so good to help and be helped, and working together is usually a lot more fun than being alone and trying to get things done with the kids crying for attention. painting yeterday kind of inspired me to maybe do something in my bedroom. i was thinking of painting one or two walls a rich warm shade of orangish-brown, and the rest a bright shade of vanilla. i think those colors would make me feel good. i've been really drawn to shades of brown, deep red, maroon, all of that. so maybe i'll do something with my room now that i'm inspired.

my garden, by the way, is doing amazing. wow, the flowers really took off with the combination of heat and rain we've had. unfortunately the herbs and some of the flowers got eaten by my friend the groundhog. i was a little disappointed - the basil was doing so well, and i was really looking fwd to some pesto; the sunflowers were growing well too but all of them got chomped the cosmos. but i can't blame the groundhog, it was too tempting for him, so at least i hope he got to enjoy whatever he ate. i'm still grateful for the flowers he did leave, the petunias, zinias, and others whose name i do not know. they're blooming very beautifuly just now.

speaking of being grateful, i want to share this little thing with you.
the kids, ed and i, got into doing this little ritual around meal time. we don't do it every day, only when someone feels inspired to suggest it. usually one of the kids will start. so we all hold hands and take turns saying something that we're grateful for. usually it's really small things, immediate things, close to our everyday experience; so i'll say, for example, that i'm grateful for a walk we had during the day, or about the fireflies in the field at night, or about the kale we just picked from the garden; sena usually says she's grateful for some item of food we're eating, like peas or berries; aiyana invariably says someone's name when her turn comes - like she'll say mama, dada or grapka, which stands for any one of the 4 grandparents; and ed is usually grateful for some moment of peace and quiet that happened during the day. i really like doing this for many reasons; one of the main reasons being that even when things are crappy between us, and we're in a negative or stressed out frame of mind, saying what we're grateful for turns things around, leaving us in a happier place.

most people think that this is a religious practice, and i want to say that it's not. i guess it can be, but we're not doing it like that. we just do it when we feel moved to, because it makes us feel more connected to each other, and because it brings the blissful parts of our lives to the forefront.

so it's getting a little busy at the cafe. i feel like hanging out by the river for a while, so i'll head over there. got some walt whitman with me, can't wait to read it.

peace

i had a pretty hard weekend, mostly due to lack of sleep. aiyana's going through some developmental changes (i am told) and she is really needy at night, so if i get 2hrs of straight sleep i consider myself lucky. this has been going on for about a week now, and it hit me the hardest on the weekend. just felt groggy and lacking energy and hot and hungry. i also felt like i just couldn't keep up with all the stuff that needed to be done: cooking, laundry, all of that. i hate to have to go out and eat bc there's no cooked food at home, but this weekend i was going to do it had i had more energy.

this morning i woke up feeling so much better though... totally new perspective after getting a little more rest last night. cooked a nice breakfast, then Matt, my coffee angel and neighbor, brought over a cup, so i knew i was in for a good morning.
we'll see what the rest of the week looks like...

peace

4th of july pictures

some thoughts i had this morning

lately, i find my thinking falls almost in 2 distinct categories: linear, and non-linear. the linear is what i do most of the time, to conduct my day-to-day life. it's mostly logical. the non-linear comes at unexpected moments, like when i'm driving the car and a thought comes out of nowhere catching me by surprise. the non-linear is a lot more fun for me. it's also easily forgotten. one minute, i'll have a thought that seems to be a real insight, making all kinds of things fall together in a fresh way, giving me a new understanding; i'm thinking it, and will myself to remember it; yet, unless i write it down, which i seldom do, i promptly forget it. which always makes me feel like...what a shame!

i also have these non-linear thoughts just before i fall asleep, or just after i wake up. that's when they mostly occur, in that liminal time, when things seem suspended between sleep and wakefulness. i love those times.

this morning, for example, i was just lying in bed trying not to move and wake up the kids. i was enjoying being the only one awake to the the peace and silence of the morning, when out of nowhere it occured to me that education, as i've known it, is mostly a form of social control. i realized that that is its primary goal, and any learning that takes place is just a by-product, accidental if at all. drawing on my own experience, i lay there and asked myself some questions: what was the point of all those years school i've gone through? knowing the huge capacity for learning and creativity that children have, it's obvious to me that i could've learnt everything i did in my early years of school much faster that i actually did, had i been placed in an environment that provided adequate resources, such as a caring person and a minimum of materials. instead, what i mostly learned in school was how to find my place in the hyerarchy of teachers and classmates. i know a lot of people that will say that school, esp. in the early years, is important for providing social skills to children. but how have the social skills that i learnt from my experience served me in my adult years? i can't say that they didn't serve me at all, but it's clear to me now that in trying to be a caring, compassionate woman with a healthy sense of self, i've had to try very hard and discard most of my social conditioning from school (which mostly taught me the values of competition, ambition, comparing myself to others, etc.).

my university education did prove useful, in that it prepared me for a job. but i don't really consider that lerning. it's just aquiring skills for a job. i alo don't think that it required as long as it took to get my engineering degree. most of the stuff i learnt in my batchelors', i never used in the workplace, and i forgot it by now. i am convinced that my job as an "aerospace angineer" (which sounded so impressive to most people) only required a few months of on-the-job training, not an elaborate degree. i guess engineering school did teach me how to think logically through a problem, which is an important skill that i apply throughout my life (believe it or not) not only in my job.

what i'm trying to say, and it's not coming out very well, is that schooling is more about molding kids in ways that they best fit into the fabric of society, as opposed to supporting their growth as creative, unique individuals.

the best use for school i can see right now is as a springboard for further exploration. this is how i used my anthropology degree, and that's why i enjoyed it the most. i loved the material that i came accross while studying anthro, but with time i also came to realize that the limitations present in other studies apply here as well; they are inherent to the institution of formal education. i realized that if i wanted to make anthro my career, or even if i wanted to pursue a PhD, i would have to shape my ideas and interests to fit into what is considered acceptable in academia. i'd have to study and publish topics that receive funding, and that is key. i'd have to find a way to fit into the academic hyerarchy of TA's, professors, researchers, etc.

once i'd had a taste of anthro and discovered that i really liked it, i decided that the best way to learn more is on my own, maybe with the support of a handful of gifted people. of course i also had my children around the time that these thoughts were going through my head, so quitting academics became a necessity rather than an option.

all this to say what? to say that when i see how gifted and amazing kids are (in terms of who they are, their views and their responses to life,their creativity, etc.), it makes me cringe to think of sending them to school. i can see a lot of people responding to this by labeling me crazy, or whatever. but it's how i feel, based on my own experience. i don't know what the best thing to do is, and fortunately i still have a few years before having to decide in regards to my own kids. ideally, i'd love to be able to support them in pursuing that which they're most drawn to. i'd love to be a resource that they can count on and draw upon, and i'd love to be able to find other resources as well, whether they be formal classes, people in the community, special programs, travelling, or whatever. life is so full of opportunities for learning and for fun! i'm also very drawn to the idea of learning and exploring alongside my kids and their friends. already, it's so much fun for me when we paint, when we go check out the fireflies in the field at night, or when we discover a city together. there's no question for me that the best learning i've done so far has been in real life situations along people who cared about me.

i guess i've said enough about this, and i realize that i've said nothing much. I haven’t even asked , regarding education, “what is the relative value of learning vs making money?”
i’ve only written a few disjointed thoughts. but i will stop here anyway.

peace

sena's latest line

this morning, first thing, in bed:
"mom, you look like the woof. the woof in little red ridinghood. your eyes are so big....".

maybe we had a fisheye effect going, we were lying really close to each other, face to face. otherwise i don't know what prompted this comment....

enjoy this beautiful day.
love

and more pics

delicious strawberries we picked;
sena having fun;
aiyana in the grass

pics

bathtime;
playing by the chicken coop;
and me with julia and aiyana at a party.

some sena lines

one morning, sena opened her eyes, looked at me lying next to her and asked with a look of concern on her face:
mama, when i grow up, will you stll be alive?
i answered that i hope so,
after which her face relaxed, she broke into a smile, said "good" and started sucking her thumb...

later that day, she was telling me about an episode at grandma's house, when aiyana would not eat any food, and was ignoring all of grandma's coaxing efforts. sena said, in a very non-judgmental tone, "i guess she had attitude, attitude, attitude". that explained everything.

my morning

this morning i had my weekly 2 hrs to myself. i walked out the door with sena screaming for me not to go. that was really hard. i can't bear to leave her like that. but staying and talking to her only prolongs it and makes it harder for everyone. and ed tells me that by the time i'm out of the driveway she's stopped crying anyway. so i guess this is the way to do it...

so i left the house somewhat shaken, and decided to go to the woods to get a little grounded. i went to one of my favorite spots, an out-of-the-way path by the river. there's nobody ever there, so i feel like it's my own secret spot.

i got there, parked the car, and took off my shoes. walking the path and feeling the cool earth under my feet already made me feel calmer. i didn't walk too far, just enough to be out of sight of the dirt road i had come from. the path is narrow and hugs the Fenton river as it twists through the woods. before long, i found a beautiful spot, where the sun was breaking through the trees. i stopped and sat down feeling myself warm up. my eyes had to adjust to the brightness reflecting off the river. all i heard around me were singing birds, the wind, and the river.

immersed in these surroundings, i felt myself calm down; i felt tension and hardness dissolve. slowly, i forgot about everything, and i felt my face relax into a slight smile. i felt protected and nourished.

i was only there for 15 min but it was enough for me to feel inspired to go on with the rest of my day, to welcome it, whatever it may look like. i gave a little thanks, walked back to where i had left my shoes, and drove to starbucks for a coffee, some breakfast, and some reading.

i came home after my 2 hrs feeling amazing. ed and the kids were not there yet (still at the park). i put on some music, and started dancing. had to express the energy i felt somehow...
i danced a couple of songs, took a shower, and then started cooking for a party we're going to this afternoon.

i'm at my sister's house right now, with my parents who drove from montreal.

a great day so far, and i hope yours is too

peace

an older picture

our friend Jaz took this picture at the end of the winter. i really like it.

things i'm grateful for (lately)

fireflies at night, lighting up the field in front of our house
and
picking strawberries with the kids (eating our fill too...)

crying

i like this quote: "if cats could talk, they wouldn't"

i've been feeling so raw lately. yesterday for example, went out to lunch w ed (kids were with the granparents), and there was this woman with a baby sitting in the corner, at a small table. i kept turning to look at the baby, and finally started talking to the woman. the baby was 9 months old and really sweet. big black eyes, very soft and open. i asked the woman if i could hold her, and she said yes. so i picked up the baby and she seemed to really like me. i held her for a couple of minutes and that whole time i felt an overwhelming urge to cry. the tears were right there, ready to start spilling down my cheeks, but i felt embarassed to let them do so. finally, i gave the baby back to her mother, turned to ed and walked away; still feeling an overwhelming urge to cry.

this has been happening quite a bit lately, and not just w babies. sometimes it's w animals, sometimes with trees. the other day i saw a tree chopped into pieces, and the image that came to mind right away was that of a body hacked to pieces. that made me sad.

the crying is not always, or even usually, sad though. it's just emotional. sometimes it happens bc i'm really happy, and sometimes bc whatever it is that i'm experiencing touches me. so i'd say that i feel it's a good thing, bc maybe i'm getting less guarded, more open, raw, or whetever it is that makes one experience things deeply.

peace

some quotes i like

quotes from June 2007 issue of The Sun (Sunbeams)

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." (Victor Hugo)

"One regret, dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough." (Hafiz)

and here are the lyrics to "save me" by susheela raman (off Love Trap, 2003)

sinking
caught up in a whirling motion
such a strange sensation
the current's uncertain
like sails of a mill i spin
like wheels i move in a circle
while you stand on the bank
immune or evasive
throw me a lifeline
save me

intimacy and affection frozen
in this game of chance
i forfeit
a full hand of love with no counter
like a moth
with no flame to persuade me
like blood in the rain
running thin
while you stand on the inside
looking in
save me
inside looking in
complete in yourself
throw me a lifeline
save me

this song speaks to a part of me that has been, so far, touched only through my dreams. it drew me in from the 1st time i heard it. the melody, like the lyrics, is soft and painfuly beautiful.

peace

sena and i

a few days ago, sena and i had some time by ourselves. it was unexpected. we were supposed to go to a friend's house and check out some nepalese jewelery, but that ended up being cancelled, and suddenly we found ourselves open to other possibilities. ed and aiyana had gone to johnnie's house to build a bench to put in front of the co-op. at first i thought i'd cook and clean, you know the usual, but then sena and i decided we were going to go out. i was hungry, and she wanted the special cookie that the man at the falafael place gives her as a treat, and i thought falafael sounded really good, so that's where we ended up going.

we shared a falafael and then sena had her cookie (this is a real treat for her), with tea and some baklava for myself. we sat at a small table and chatted the whole time. being with her is really almost like being with an adult. actually better in many ways. she's very intelligent, as most kids are, and i can talk to her about almost anything. what's even better is that she still has that openess and honesty, that fresh way of looking at things that we somehow lose as we grow older. so we talked about turkey and romania (there was a poster of turkey on the wall), and other things i can't quite remember. what i do remember is feeling totally relaxed, light and happy. it's quite different than being with both kids, not better or worse, just different, bc aiyana is still little and requires a different kind of attenion and supervision than sena does.

after the restaurant we drove to the plant store to get some more plants for our garden, but it was closed, so then we went home. i finished the dishes and cleaned up a little bit, really quick, and then sena and i got to hang out again. we took a shower together, to get the ticks off, and just for fun. earlier that day we had been out running through tall grass, so i was worried that we may have picked up ticks, but i didn't find any. sena's really good in the shower, she does everything herself, the only thing i need to do is adjust the water temp and flow. so we hung out in there for a while, and then we decided to get out, brush, and go read in bed. i wrapped her up in a big towel, and i was wrapped up in one too. she was standing on a stool as i dried my hair, and when i finished doing that i looked at her and everything just seemd so perfect. i wanted to express how i felt, in words, so i said something like: i love you so much, and i have so much fun being with you. and then she just looked at me and said in a real soft voice, i love you too, and i like being with you. she kind of leaned her head to the side, and everything was just so perfect and open, i don't think i've ever felt so close to anyone, so i started to cry, just a few tears, but i told her that i was crying bc i was so happy. and then she said that she felt like happy crying too, so we hugged. then we brushed our teeth and went to bed.

she picked out a few books, and we snuggled up and i read to her for a long time until my voice started cracking and getting hoarse. we turned out the light and she asked me to tell her a story from when i was young, like she does every night, so i did. she fell asleep, and i just lay there hugging her, and feeling so close. i was drifting into sleep as ed and aiyana pulled in the driveway.

i feel that we created such a beautiful memory that day. of course, i don't mean to imply that it's always so blissful being togehter. maybe one time i'll write about the times when i get really frustrated and she's screaming, etc. these things, the blissful and the not-so-blissful come together, of course. but you already know how that goes...

peace

flowers and bugs around the house

men staring

i hate it how i (sometimes) change when men look at me. this morning for example: i was tired from a night of bad, bad sleep (aiyana had gas from too many beans for dinner, my fault, so she ended up stirring and nursing all night long, hence no sleep for me, oh well..).

so anyway, we ended up going to Marge's (an outdoor cantine) for breakfast and there were 3 men sitting at the table next to us, and it was so obvious they were staring at me, i could just feel their eyes every time i turned away. so that's not a problem, sometimes i actually get flattered by it and i can return a smile, etc. i guess what bothers me is how i get so self-conscious about it; i fell like i (unwillingly) act different than usual, like i'm doing it for them. all of a sudden it's no longer my show, it's theirs, and i'm acting in it.

no big deal i guess, just something i'm becoming aware of. i must admit i don't like it when it affects me this way; don't know what i'm trying to say, nothing i guess, just sharing how i feel.

peace

more susheela raman

i just got susheela raman's 2nd album, which came out in 2003 or so. it's called "love trap", and it's really good, just like "music for crocodiles", which got me into her to begin with.
i love her voice, it's so smooth and soulful, and i guess you can say seductive. very beautiful - i recommend her music if you're in the mood for something mellow and different. i'm looking fwd to getting her 1st album sometime soon.

i think i know what she means

“..I imagined freedom from suffering meant I could manage life’s myriad challenges in a state of steady, unmediated bliss. As my practice deepened, I grew to understand that freedom is not about resting in sublime equanimity despite the suffering of loved ones and strangers.
Freedom is about the willingness to feel deeply.
Freedom is about the willingness to fall apart.
Freedom is about holding onto nothing.
And at the heart of that letting go, that dissolution, that surrender, you discover something sublime and unspeakably, heartbreakingly raw. Call it love. Call it compassion. Call it kindness. Call it redemption.”
-Nina Wise

(thank you Jennifer)

the crocus and the peony

would the crocus
prefer to be
a peony instead?

and would the nightingale
prefer to be
an owl?

i doubt it.

so why did i,
so arduously, for so long,
try to be someone i'm not?

i guess
it's part of being human.
and part of being woman
in a patriarchal, consummerist culture.
(and other, much more suddle reasons).

the crocus and the nightingale
put all their energy
into being who they are,
and in so doing
they are beautiful,
perfect.
they make it seem so easy.

i want to honor them,
so i decided
to flow my energy
to being, becoming, who i am.

but who is that?
the only way i know
to define myself -
through interraction, context,
and others' eyes.

does the crocus define herself
against its differences
with the peony?
i doubt it, but i will never know.

there must be more to this.
more to who i am
than the relfections i cast, by accident,
on forms outside myself.

so i believe,
that all there is to do,
is wait and witness,
no, more than that,
EXPERIENCE
the unfolding that is me.

experience it
patiently, effortlessly,
and delight,
just as the crocus does
in this short and exquisite
existence.

a poem i liked

i found this poem in my We/moon 07 book. i really like it, so i thought i'd share it:

I Will (by Marni Norwich, 2005)

listen, i've decided:
life it too precious to ponder
the petty details any longer
and to put it bluntly
i will not participate.
i will not be coming to the party.
i will not be returning the call.
i will not be anything to anyone.
i will stare at the gray sky till it is blue.
i will walk in the green fields and
smell the wildflowers.
i will imbibe this life the way
it was meant to be imbibed.
i will listen only to my body
and the black crows.
i will live by the true laws of the Land.
i will pick wild blackberries and pet cats.
i will write poems i share
only with the wind.
i will raise a child
on the edge of nowhere.
i will nourish her on magic and honey.
i will teach her
the language of fairies.
we will play in
the forest at twilight.
we will hurl all hardship
downhill to the sea.