no.2

(sun nov 11th 2006)

now that i think of it, it seems that no. 2 has been a constant theme throughout my life. it started early in my childhood, in school.

in romania, at the end of each school year, we had a prize-giving-ceremony. first, second and third prize. these were supposedly based on your academic achievement; and maybe a little on your "behaviour", meaning how well you conformed. but there where other factors that came into it, as we all knew: how well your parents knew the teachers, how many presents and favors they did for them, the degree of influence your parents held in the communist party, things of that nature.

nevertheless, the end-of-the-year festivities were something we all took very seriously. it was a great honor to win the first prize. i almost always got the sencond. which, to me, was more of a humiliation that if i hadn't gotten anything at all. at least that would've been more anonymous (although it would not have gone over too well with my parents). but second prize put the spotlight on in a way that made me very uncomfortable, showing everyone that i just wasn't "as good". so every time i had to step up to the make-shift podium to receive my prize (a flower wreath on my head, a package containig 2 or 3 politically correct books, and a bouquet of fresh flowers), i did so trying my best to hold back the tears.

one year, i remember, i refused to go. it was too hard, so i just stood in my room in front of the window, looking at the festivities from afar. it just happened that our apartment faced right into the school yard where the ceremony was taking place. i stood there and felt free to cry for once. my mom and dad felt sorry for me and try to reassure me that 2nd prize was okay; they convinced me to go to the cerremony, which i did with a heavy heart, as usual.

so it could've been that my academic achievement was not good enough to win first prize; or that my parents didn't make enough effort to engratiate themselves with the teachers; maybe i did not have the right attitude to quite make it; whatever it was, the reasons did not matter. more than anything else at that time, i wanted to win first prize, i wanted to be popular, i wanted recognition, and i was devastated each year when i did not get it.

years later, although in not as obvious a fashion, i was still trying to be no.1. just something i had to get out of my system, i guess. so when i got my first "real" job, it was great to enjoy a few months of recognition and popularity, while everyone was impressed with my talents and efforts. that is until someone else came along - she was also ambitious, she was also really good, she was a nice person, good looking, fit, etc. etc - everything i didn't want her to be. she got slightly more attention than i did. i could not believe i was going through this again. there were days i'd come home and cry, wishing all the possible ills on her, wishing that she'd just disappear and let me enjoy some of my own spotlight for a while. when this did not happen, we became friends. i got to know her, got to like her (a lot), got to see what everyone else saw in her. this was a little disturbing. i wanted to hate her - it was much more clear cut that way. it helped that i eventually left the country. that way, i did not have to compete with her anymore. i could just like her and be friends without being threatened.

today, i'm trying to piece all this into a (weird) nap-time story for my 3-year-old daughter. don't know why it's coming back to me at this time. maybe it's all the rain, the way it makes me feel. in any case, i have no idea where the story will go as i am telling it. maybe i just want to voice some of the feelings i left unspoken all these years, in an unthreatening environment (how much more unthreatening can you get than a sleepy 3-year-old?). maybe i want to warn my daughter, plant an early seed, so that through my experiences she may see the waste of competitiveness and ambition; maybe if she lives these things through my stories she will be spared unnecessary pain.

maybe it is just that i needed to realize that there is, after all, one thing i'm number one at: i'm number one at being myself. which sounds a little dumb, so maybe i should say instead that numbers just don't matter so much anymore.

maybe being no.2 was an unrecognized blessing all these years, because it forced me to move on, to keep looking. it made me search for something authentic, something meaningful, and lead me to realize that recognition and authenticity occur together only accidentaly. had i received first prize and the recognition i wanted, i may have felt content to take on the role of "best student", or whatever, pigeonholed by somebody else's definition and their expectations. maybe i would've stopped hurting, stopped searching, in short, stopped living an authentic life. or maybe, this is all about sour grapes.

in any case, what's for sure is that on this wet rainy day, it feels sweet to simply acknowledge these things and to realize that somehow, somewhere along the way they lost their power over me.

hiking last week

nothing to say

there's nothing to say
but here i am,
trying to say it

in theory i know
that truth cannot be spoken
yet here i am, compelled
to speak my kind of truth

push-pull,
this is how it is

peace

this is how my past week went

this is a really long posting...in case you have nothing better to do. stuff i wrote over the past week starting with most recent...

tue nov 7th 2006

yesterday i said i needed to laugh. today, i need to cry. and to laugh. and a shower, and some time to brush the huge knots out of my hair would be nice too. but those are optional.

ed was in class until late last night, so by the time he got home, the girls and i were in bed. this morning, he left extra early to vote, so when sena woke up at 6:30 he was no longer there. so i got up with her and snuggled on the couch. my whole body seemed tight and stiff. fortunately, since sena was still tired, i got to stretch a little while she was still on the couch. but soon enough she wanted to read, and then aiyana woke up, and our day began for real. things were ok, but i could feel myself tense, on edge.

my friend jennifer started a new yoga class today, community yoga, where anyone can come, including kids of all ages. i really wanted to support her effort, esp since i thought this was such a great idea. so i planned to go with both my kids and see how it would work out. we made it there by 9:30, just in time to set down our blankets and settle in a little bit. jennifer is very flexible, and of course she did not expect this class to be like any other typical yoga class, where only adults participate. she has 3 kids and knows how things go. she requested only 2 things: that kids don't run around (they could play if they wanted to, sit on their blankets, do yoga w their parents, etc); and that they do not scream.

well, we did ok in the beginning, but as time went on, sena became more and more rebellious, running around and disrupting everyone. i felt bad about this and tried to talk to her. sparing details, suffice it to say that things got worse and worse and in the end i had to walk outside with sena screaming in my arms, without my shoes or any of my stuff, and with aiyana trailing behind me, holding on to my pants. all i wanted at this point was to put sena in the car, but i could not find my key, so things were pretty crazy. then one woman came out and said, it's ok, nobody minds the screaming, don't feel bad, and i was thankful but all i could to is try not to break down in front of this nice lady. then, when my friend jennifer came out to see if everything is ok, i really lost it, and burst into tears. i told jennifer to go back to her class, and she said she'd stop at my house right after.

i finally got sena in the car, slammed the door and let her cry in there. i had so much anger and frustration, all i wanted to do is hit her. nothing else would do. but i could not do it, although i did grab her arm a lot harder than i would've otherwise, and kind of threw her in her carseat instead of putting her in nicely. i started pacing around the car and crying, barefoot in the parkinglot, aiyana walking behind me. i really wanted to hit something, or someone, sena most of all. yet even in my rage, i could see clearly that this was not all about sena, or all about today. sena was the spark that lit the fire in this particular instance, but the feelings that were taking ove me went deeper than what happened today. they had to do with being tired, with still having a hard time being a parent. having a hard time walking that fine line, where you want to give so much of yourself and still maintain some sanity and some integrity of your own person. the funny thing with kids is that there's no perfect formula, no lasting solution. as soon as you figure out something that works, you can be sure that things will change, the kids will outgrow the previous phase and you have to start all over again, figure out how to deal with this new dynamic in the best possible way. being a parent requires so much grace, and some days i feel like i am the clumsiest mother, stumbling around in the dark.

so anyway, eventually, i made it back home. still could not stop crying and was still really upset at sena. could not deal with her, so i left her in her carseat for a while. she wasn't crying anymore, but i could not bring myself to console her, so the best i could do was not to yell at her or yank her. aiyana came w me in the house. i called ed and told him what happened, and he was sympathetic, but what could he do? got off the phone, cried some more. i just had so many tears, seemed like they would not stop. i guess i was feeling sorry for myself. i knew that i wanted something or someone to take this out on, and at the same time, i knew that i just had to cry, because there's nothing to resolve, just these feelings that i have to deal with. eventually, i guess i cried enough and i stopped.

i took sena out of the car and we snuggled together on the couch. i said sorry for roughing her up, and i told her how i felt. she said that she just wanted to run. in retrospect, going to yoga this morning was a bad idea. i feel like i set sena and myself up for what we got; sena's three, so of course she's going to run. and since i wasn't feeling at my best or my strongest or whatever to begin with, i should've just let it go. oh well, i'll know for next time.

eventually jennifer came over and took sena to her house to play with her daughter. this gives me a break, and i only have aiyana to look after right now. she just fell asleep in the car, so i pulled the car into a cemetary and here i am sitting on the grass writing this. i already feel so much better. crying and writing really help me. it's also gorgeous outside today, sunny and warm. my head feels lighter, and maybe i'll even get to stretch a little before aiyana wakes up. funny enough i already miss sena. makes me want to cry again just thinking about her. i want to give her the best i am, but it's so hard to be that all the time. some part of me feels like i'm doing permanent damage to her and to our relationship when i act like i did this morning. yet i also know that it's important for her to see me as a real human being; i don't want to pretend that my feelings are not what they are, and put up a false image for her. i want her to see me for who i am, dealing with good and bad feelings the best i can. i just hope that when i deal with the hard stuff it doesn't get too painful for either one of us.

(later....)

i got to do some yoga while at the cemetary. what a release!!! probably one of the best yoga sessions i've ever had. i didn't even have to think or try to do one pose or another. they just came to me on their own, my body taking one shape after another. i really needed this. i felt so much better at the end, that i started to run around, skipping and flying among the tombstones (is that disrespectful? i hope not). fortunately, it was just me and the dead. aiyana was still sleeping in the car nearby. so i wasn't too self conscious or afraid of looking ridiculos. i felt so good skipping and running around, flapping my arms and twirling. for one minute it was like i was really going to take off and fly, just like it happens in my dreams. what a crazy day!

peace

mon nov 6th 2006

i feel so exhausted today. so heavy...like everything is weighing me down. my head feels heavy, my eyes feel like they just want to close. my body is so heavy, i could just fall on the ground and curl up for a while. blew up at sena this morning, and i feel bad about it. she was an easy taget, and the way i felt, it didn't take much to push me to the point of blowing up.

but somehow we managed to get out of the house and go to my friend patty's house. two other friends showed up, so we were 4 women and 4 little girls. we were helping patty stack some wood in her back yard. being with my friends was really nice, because they made me laugh and by the time we were done stacking, my head felt a lot lighter. the physical work, and being outside also helped. afterwards, we had a great lunch and patty got her hot tub going outside. it would've been really nice to be able to jump in, but by the time the water was ready, aiyana was too tired and needy to let me get in. so i didn't get to do it this time...

we left patty's house and sena and aiyana fell asleep in the car. so that gives me a little break...and here i am writing.

one of the hardest things about this heavy feeling is that i don't feel like doing any of the things that i know would help - like exercise, or whatever, because they require too much effort to begin with. all i want is some quiet time.
it was so interesting being with my friends - i noticed how almost everything i said was negative. i started telling them a story i read about this woman who was abused as a child, and her mom knew about it but she did not stop it. then i asked myself, why am i telling this story? but then the next thing i said was also negative. i kept going like that for a few minutes, till i said: ok, i'm not saying anything anymore, cuz all i seem to get out is this stuff that's going to drag everyone down. and it's such a beautiful day, and my friends were in such a good mood. so i'd rather hang out and enjoy their positive energy rather than get everyone down with my heaviness. then my friend jennifer said, why don't you, for the next 5 minutes, just say all the negative stuff you want to say? and just thinking about it made me laugh so much, that i just kind of forgot, or something changed, or whatever, and things took a different turn.

on a day like today, it's not that i want someone to solve my problem, cuz i don't even know if there is a problem; it's not that i want any solutions; i don't even want sympathy actually; i think that what i mostly need from people is sensitivity and a good sense of humor. maybe a few minutes to stretch, or do something nice for myself. and that should be enough.

fri nov 3rd 2006

these days, i've arrived at a new definition of strength:

Strength is knowing how to laugh / Strength is knowing how to cry.

of course it is many other things as well. but for me, right now, this is the most applicable.

and in a very different vein, here are some things i like:
first, an excerpt from "Thunder, Perfect Mind" (isn't that a great title?)

For I am the first and the last.
I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin.
I am the mother and the daughter...

I am she whose wedding is great,
and I have not taken a husband.

I am the barren one,
and many are her sons....

I am knowledge and ingnorance...

I am shameless; I am ashamed.
I am strength and I am fear....

I am foolish and I am wise.....

I am the silence that is incomprehensible....

I am godless and I am one whose God is great...

I am the utterance of my name.

(quoted in "the Gnostic Gospels" by Elaine Pagels)
------------------------------------------

sometimes, i like to recite poetry out loud to myself. but i only do it with poems i really like, ones i read over and over in silence before. like this one, by Rumi:

A necessary autumn inside each

You and i have spoken all these words, but as for the way
we have to go, words

are no preparation. There is no getting ready, other than grace. My faults

have stayed hidden. One might call that a preparation!
I have one small drop

of knowing in my soul. Let it dissolve in your ocean.
There are so many threats to it.

Inside each of us, there's continual autumn. Our leaves
fall and are blown out

over the water. A crow sits in the blackened limbs and talks
about what's gone. Then

your generosity returns: spring, moisture, intelligence, the
scent of hyacinth and rose

and cypress. Joseph is back! And if you don't feel in
yourself the freshness of

Joseph, be Jacob! Weep and then smile. Don't pretend to know
something you haven't experienced.

There's a necessary dying, and then Jesus is breathing again.
Very little grown on jagged

rock. Be ground. Be crumbled, so wildflowers will come up
where you are. You've been

stony for too many years. Try something different. Surrender.

(from The soul of Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks)

halloween party

my first halloween party - i had a great time.
kids had fun too - sena really wanted to be a butterfly, so grandma made her a beautiful costume. aiyana was a lion. not sure she knew the difference, but i think she enjoyed the festive atmosphere at the party...

stories

lately, i've been telling lots of stories. my family got into this habit, and now, before we go to sleep, we all lie in bed and tell stories. we take turns. first ed, then i, and sometimes even sena. she tells her own stories, which are a combination of my stories with ed 's and with stuff that happened to her during the day. sometimes she adds fantasy too.

storytelling is a great art. i learnt it from my grandmother. i'm not very good at it, but the nice thing about stories is that it doesn't matter too much. anyone can be a storyteller, i think, as long as they speak from the heart.
another grat thing about stories is that they make things come alive and make us feel connected in a way very few other things can. recently, for example, i've been telling sena stories about stanton. stanton's been dead for 2 years now, and i must admit that i haven't thought of him much being caught with daily life. i mean i feel that he's still part of me, but i just don't consciously think of him that much. but now that i'm telling stories about him, about the first day we brought him home, or the time he got sick, etc, i feel that he's alive again. i feel very close to him, and i feel that the stories themselves keep him alive in some way. what's really nice and unexpected is that sena now started talking about him as if she really knew him. she'll tell me something about him out of the blue, and she'll say that he's her dog. it just makes me feel really nice that she loves him even though she's never met him.

i also tell my daughters stories about my life in romania - things that happened as i grew up, with my friends, my grandmothers, my cousins, etc. sometimes, as i speak, the story takes over me, and i start reliving it. i don't have to make any effort to remember what happened or make the it go a certain way. it seems that all i have to do is start and then things go by themselves. the story tells itself and sena, aiyana and i just enjoy. i don't think that aiyana understands the content of the story yet. but i know that she feels comforted and safe as she listens, because as soon as we start she becomes very relaxed and falls asleep.

i know well that soothing quality of a person's voice as they tell a story. i remember it from my grandmother who always comforted us to sleep with her own stories. (i actually a wrote about her recently - i may post it sometime.)
i think my grandmother would be happy to know that some of the stories i tell sena and aiyana are ones she told my sister and i when we were young. some are from her own childhood. i can see now how amazing oral traditions must have been. not only do they keep things alive, but in the process they provide a bond between people, that i don't think can be matched by written stories or other media. when i read a book for example, or see a movie, the story itself can definitely draw me in; but to feel an actual bond with the person who wrote the story or made the movie, to feel connected w them on a personal, intimate level, that is rare.

there are lots of stories that i have, so far, kept to myself. stories that want to be told, just waiting for an open heart and a certain level of maturity.
when i grow up, that's what i want to do: tell stories.

peace

sena - a quiet moment

autumn tears

mon oct 22nd 2006

wrote these over the weekend. felt very low energywise - all i wanted to do is lie in bed with a book or listen to some music or something like that. got a break on sunday, when i only had aiyana and she fell asleep, and that's when i wrote these.

(fall)

fall is a drawing in
back in
deep inside the core
where everything starts
and everything returns

the trees look bare
on the outside
all plants drawing their energy
into the roots
delicious roots
of carrots, daikon, burdock...

i follow their lead
through no choice of my own
i feel the same stirrings they do
take over my whole being...

these days i'm quiet
the outward exuberance gone
back into the depths
into that innermost part
that is my guide, my comfort, my home

don't look to the outside
what looks dead and withered
pulsates with life, with new potential
deep inside the core.

nurture that and
watch yourself transform

even as everything seems to be dying
the seed of new life sprouts on

-----------------
(why i cry)

today's the kind of day
when i feel so emotional,
so sensitive, that my eyes
are ready to fill with tears at any moment

i cry for nothing, no specific reason
i cry for everything

i cry for lost innocence,
for shattered dreams and hopes -
mine and yours.

i cry for the pain and beauty
that transformations entail -
the transformations we all, inevitably, go through

i cry for my mother's childhood,
for my father's dog that got run over
for my grandmother and her unfulfilled love

i cry for those i love and hurt

i cry for myself
for the love and fear i feel inside:
love drowning me, taking over
and just when i'm about to do its bidding
fear cutting me down, holding me back -
i cry for that struggle

i cry for those who suffer
and those who make them suffer

i cry for how we regiment, regulate love
the most important thing there is
like regimenting air,
the air we need to breathe

i cry for all of us
for how we go through life
blind, deaf, numb, hurt, scared,
missing it all

i cry for the beauty of the moments
the split-seconds when we wake up
when something touches us
and lets us know we're still alive

i cry for the deceits,
the let-downs,
the heart-breaks
that shaped my life

i cry for the moments when,
having been numb for too long,
i feel a stirring and,
taken by surprise,
i smile to myself in silence: "hey, i'm still kicking"

i cry for how perfect this is
when you can look at it
from a certain distance...

peace

quitting pratt

(written on mon oct 9th, 2006)

today, i quit pratt & whitney. i called my boss this morning, and confirmed that i will not be returning to work.
it's hard to describe how i feel. this was a big decision. working at pratt, being an "engineer" defined my identity for the past 10 years or so. i had a lot of problems with this "definition", and yet it felt so comfortable, so me....
you know, when you first meet someone and they ask "so what do you do", i'd say i was an engineer, and then most people would make up their mind, at least partly, as to who i am (i do that too, of course, just becoming more aware of it lately). that label is no longer available now that i quit and don't plan to claim it bak any time soon.

after speaking to my boss, i went to my sister's house to pick her up for a hike. driving there, i suddenly experienced this free-falling sensation that i get when something really good or really bad happens. this time, it was both, or neither. maybe it was just uncertainty.

pratt, and engineering, have been such a big part of my life. ever since i was very young, i was surrounded by engineers in my family: my dad, my aunts and uncles. the other half of my relatives were doctors. so when it came to choosing a career, my choice was doctor or engineer. i tried to get into medical school at mcgill and didn't, so engineering it was. engineering school was a fun (on a social level), and graduate school, although not as much fun, was great from another point of view - it's where i really got to love what i was studying, or at least part of it: like fluids, thermodynamics, etc. these things were fascinating, but, unfortunately they ended with gradschool. working in industry had little to do with what i learnt in my studies.

getting a job at pratt was very exciting at first, and although i realized very soon that you don't need a masters, actually you don't even need a batchelors to do my job (just a few month of training would suffice), i was nevertheless very enthusiastic about learning everything i was learning and working on engines. my enthusiasm elicited a lot of positive response from my colleagues and bosses, so i felt appreciated. money was good too, very good for my standards, so for a few years things were great. eventually though i started feeling restless and....bored. not to drag this on too much, i'll just say that with time, i lost a lot of interest. i also beagn to realize that the career paths available to me at pratt were not too interesting. i didn't care for the politics of the place at all, so anything to do with management left me cold. as for the technical side, i guess there would have been some possibilities, but for some reason i didn't get too excited. so i kept doing what i knew how to do for 10 years, until i got pregnant with sena and the rest has pretty much been maternity leave. i have to say though, that i'm really touched and, to be honest, flattered that even with all the leaves of absence and maternity leaves i've been taking lately, they still wanted me back and were disappointed when i decided not to return.

it's hard to picture myself not as an engineer though. what will i say next time someone asks me what i do? "i'm staying home taking care of my kids"?...you know what kind of response that usually elicits (i know bc i used to think that stay-home mothers just didn't have anything better to do, so they settled for this mind-numbing existence). but as i wrote in previous blogs, after 3 years of mothering, i've found that staying home with the kids is a lot harder and a lot better (in many different ways) than people generally think.

so, as i drove my car this morning, sena and aiyana happy in the back seat, another gorgeous fall day that we get to enjoy hiking and doing whatever we want, i felt this wave of joy rise up inside of me. and i felt free. finally, i did it - this thing i've been thinking of for years, yet never had the courage to leap into before. it seems like the gorgeous weather today is perfect for celebrating. celebrating the fact that i am giving myself a chance to live differently. to explore new possibilities. i already have several ideas, things i want to do, most of which there is no space in my life for right now, but just thinking about them, having the freedom to chose what i do with my time, is exciting. what's most amazing though is the release that comes as i realize that i can just live each day on its own terms, without any agenda, any plans, or any great expectations. without anyone telling me what to do, where to be, etc. just me and my kids living one day at a time, as we have been for the past year. this feels so good to me right now.

i'm starting to appreciate and enjoy living with uncertainty. trusting that when and if the day comes that i'll want to do something other than taking care of my kids, things will work out and i'll find something. it's funny how these cliches are so true, and we don't really appreciate them until our own experience validates them.- like the fact that although my job provided a lot of security, at the same time it took over so much of my life that it left me very little freedom...

needless to say that everything i've said here so far would be irrelevant if ed weren't supportive of my decision to stay home. and if our lifestyle weren't allowing us to live on one salary. but fortunately, we live well and are more than happy with one income; as for ed, to say that he's supportive is an understatement. he's always encouraged me to follow and do that which is most meaningful to me, and i try to do the same with him, and fortunately this has not changed since we had kids.

peace

pics from a hike

went hiking a lot last week. so gorgeous...
tried to capture some of it in pics - feeble attempt of course, but here it is..

aiyana is 1

Aiyana turned 1 year old yesterday. What a beautiful day! Just like last year at this time. At around 4pm, the time when I gave birth, I found myself sitting under the apple tree where most of my labor took place, just being quiet and enjoying the wind, the sun, and everything around me. It was so nice to have this gorgeous weather and reminisce.

Looking back, I think that in many ways, the last year has been the hardest and the best year of my life. The hardest because life with two little ones can get that way. Lack of sleep, having to be available day and night, living on the brink of chaos much of the time - this and everything else got overwhelming at times (quite a lot of times).

It’s been the best year for several reasons, none of which fully describes how I feel.
First, I because I felt and still do that what I’m doing really matters and makes a difference. It’s very obvious that if I’m there for my kids, physically, emotionally, and everything else, we’re all much happier.

Second, during the course of the last year I’ve been present more than ever before. I find that the difficulties I experienced and described before have the flip side of forcing one to be present. I just couldn’t live on auto-pilot anymore. Life got too intense, requiring awareness and attention. In that sense I feel that I’ve lived much more in the last year than in previous years of my life.

I’ve noticed many things that have always been there but passed me by before. Like the seasons, for example. Living where I do and being outside everyday, I feel that I’ve really experienced winter, spring, summer and now fall. I’ve seen the trees change with each season, always beautiful. Seen birds make their nestss in the trees near my house in the spring, seen the chicks grow during the summer and now I’m seeing the empty nests they left behind. It’s really amazing, and all these observations have gone deeper than what I perceived with my eyes or what I tried to convey in words. They’ve become part of me, or rather I became part of them. I really feel that I am connected to all these changing things, the trees, the birds, the wind. I’m shifting with them.

I’m noticing for example how the cooler fall weather makes me feel so clear headesd. Or how the full and new moon affect me each month. I’m noticing how all this amazing fresh food I’ve had this past year affects me, and I am so thankful to the earth and the people growing the food.

Another nice thing I experienced over the past year is inspiration. Lots of inspiration. In my attempt to keep sane and somewhat calm, I’ve searched and grasped at anything that gave me a new perspective, that inspired me, that allowed me to expand my being and breathe easier. Two great sources of inspiration have been reading and music. Just a few lines of Rumi at the right time made a huge difference. Or Pema Chodron. Or Osho. And so many others.

My main source of inspiration however, came from people. People I’ve known for some time, and some that I met in the past year. Knowing that I’m not the only one dealing with chaos, hearing other people’s stories and experiences, seeing them as they are, has made me feel much more relaxed about my own situation, and has made me appreciate and love these people more. Just a few words at the right time, spoken with love and understanding, have saved me from feeling miserable and depressed many times, especially when aiyana was very young and I was dealing with lots of changes and exhaustion.

I am thinking for example, of my friend and midwife, kim, who told me in her gentle, caring way, that it’s ok if I don’t get to brush my teeth, and there‘s dirty laundry all over the house. She said - just take care of yourself and the baby, and some day you‘ll get to the rest.

Or my friend Sue, who’s give me these amazing one liners over the phone. At one point, when I felt particularly crazy, she said: just write down 3 things that you’re grateful for at this moment. I did that, posted it on my fridge, and felt better, my focus shifted in a positive direction.

Or my friend Jennifer, who’s one of those people who are so beautiful, in every way, that everything they touch also becomes beautiful. And I mean everything. When Jennifer cooks, the food looks beautiful, decorated w edible flowers and leaves. Whe she sings, her voice is eerie, penetrating, disturbing in its beauty. When she draws, I can’t stop staring at what she makes. Just one of those women that I feel truly blessed to have in my life. Totally inspiring, life-affirming, creative, crazy.

My mom has also been really supportive since Aiyana‘s birth. Several times, she came and spent 2-3 weeks at a time with us, helping me w the kids day and night, giving me a huge reprieve. I remember one day, when both sena and Aiyana had fallen asleep and my mom said - just go and do something for yourself. I drove to the general store, got a tea, and sat down on one of the wicker chairs outside, reading a book. I felt so amazing, savoring this time, just sitting there in the warm spring sunshine… people coming in the store were even commenting on how content I looked. When I got home, I gave my mom a big hug, and I meant it, knowing that this is the best way to thank her and show her how much I appreciated her help.

I’ve come to know and love all these people and many more, and this is the best thing that happened out of all the crazyness that has been my life over the last year.

So now that I sit here and write this, I am realizing that if I had to live my life the way I’ve been doing in the past year, that’d be ok. I’ve been cleaning a lot of pee off the floor, been woken up in the middle of the night a lot more than I’d like, been taking care of myself less than I’d like, been frustrated and overwhelmed a lot, been crying, been yelling more than I’d like, been doing nothing out of the ordinary with my life - and I love it. I really don’t want anything more than to continue to appreciate whatever little moments life brings me. I’m not looking for a perfect life (anymore) - and realizing that is…delicious.

peace

pictures

here are a few recent pictures of us and some little things that caught my eye on these beautiful fall days:

laptop

(written tue oct 2nd 2006 - posted sometime later...)

i got a laptop. i am so excited, because here i am now, being able to write anywhere, not having to make any special trips to the library, my sister's house, etc. actually, we only have wireless internet connection, so i'll still have to go somewhere if i want to access the net, but this is still a great improvement.

i feel a bit funny when someone asks why we got a laptop, and i say it's because i wanted to make it easier to write. when i say that, people automatically have expectations about my writing, and that makes me uneasy. it actually makes me so inhibited that i can't write anymore.
for me, writing is very personal. it's a great release. i can't say that i don't care what people think about my writing, because, obviously i do, otherwise i wouln't be sharing it. and yet, paradoxically, the more i focus on what others think, the less i want to do it.

it's hard to sum up why i like it so much..... i guess for me, writitng is about sharing myself. it's also about finding out what's in my heart. somehow, as i write, if i'm in the right frame of mind, not thinking about how this will sound or how it will be received, things come up that i did not expect and did not know were even there. so writing is a kind of cleansing, that always leaves me feeling lighter and happier.

writing is also about creating intimacy. the intimacy i experience in my dreams at night. all my life, i've had these dreams that are so hard to wake up from bc they're so beautiful. they're beautiful bc regardless of the scenario, the basic theme that runs through them is love. this is going to sound so flaky, but anyway...
in my dreams, i receive so much love, usually in the form of one person, and i also give back love, in a way that is much more open, natural, and free-flowing than i've ever experienced in real life. these dreams penetrate my whole being, and stay with me for days... they are usually so soothing that it takes me at least an hour to be able to get myself to a state where i can function again in the "real" world, in the awake mode.

i guess writing is a little like that, mostly because it allows me to share what's meaningful to me in a safe way.
i hope that if i write about my life honestly and openly, others may find it nice to read.

on to other things...
yesterday, i spoke to my boss from pratt. i am supposed to go back to (paid) work this month, and he wanted to have an update from me. i told him i would not be coming back. i felt bad doing this, like i was hurting him personnaly. cliff, my boss, is an amazing person, very easy going, very understanding. i like him a lot. i wish i could've been speaking to him about other things, something more fun, more cheerful. he gave me a week to think over my decision, till next monday...
i have so many conflicting feelings about this decision, so much anguish. a while ago, i summed it all up like this:

asking for guidance
(as i ponder / dread returning to work)

so how much do i sell myself for
this time?

is 30000 or so enough?
half-time, plus benefits,
and a retirement plan...

is that enough
for all those silent mornings
broken only by sleepy yawns of my children,
that i will have to miss?

enough to compensate
for the weariness that i know
will come to inhabit my soul?

is it enough
for all this freedom
that i have come to feel
and take for granted:
freedom to paint,
draw
sing
dance
cook
watch the sky
and just be as i am?

i picture myself back at work:
sitting at my computer
staring at it, empty-eyed...

walking to the bathroom
tired of so much sitting,
to find sterility,
women putting on makeup,
garbage can full of slightly-used paper towels,
it almost hurts to look at all the waste.

i picture the people i work with:
i like them,
they like me.
together, we are prisoners
of the system...

they have to pay their bills:
mortgages, car loans, college tuition...
some have to pay the doctors' bills.
nothing's free here.

some simply like their work.
they take it seriously

i like my colleagues,
but i don't see them radiant, and i am not inspired.
i am not myself.

will 30000 be enough
to cover the loss of Rumi?
loss of time, which will inevitably mean
loss of Rumi
and many other things
which help me get transported
into that most alive part of myself?

as i write this,
it seems so clear
just what i should do.
yet with that clarity,
old fears creep back:
fear of being judged,
of being labled,
of not having a "real job" again.
fear of being in need
helpless in old age, without......... retirement income?...

this prison is my own creation
(with your help -
we all help each other that way)
it's time to let it go.

awakening to new possibilities....
----------------

peace

molting

the theme at our last women's circle, which was amazing / inspiring / etc.etc., was molting. this came up unexpectedly, as so many nice things do.

shandra, my neighbour and the woman who held the circle, has a pet terantula who molted a few days before we met. she brought the molt to the circle and presented it to us as we began. the molt itself was really cool, and had she not told us what it was i would've thought it was the real spider.

this, of course, sparked a lot of conversation about Henry, the tarantula, about other arachnids, insects, animals, and so on and so on, as new topics kept spinning off...
eventually, we thought that it would be nice to tie molting back to ourselves:
what, in our lives, would we like to molt? and what, if anything, would we like to replace it with?

we all took a few minutes of silence and sat with these questions. each of us then spoke and shared her thoughts into the circle when we were ready. as each woman spoke, nobody interrupted. we'd just let her speak and listen, and then, when she was done, we took a few minutes to sit with what had been said.

i can't share what the other women shared in the circle. but i can share my input and my impressions.

as the other women sat and thought, i, who was holding aiyana, who was getting very restless, walked in circles around a great big tree near which we sat. as i walked, aiyana got calmer, and inward, it became clear to me that what i'd like to molt the most is fear and the need to control. these, to me, are closely related, and are two aspects i come across often in my dayly life.

molting these, i saw myself as more vulnerable and open, more comfortable with uncertainty. i had this mental immage of myself being right there, on the edge, and being ok with it. not planning or trying to control the next moment, or the rest of my life. but just being ok with the darkness, with the uncertainty, with "the edge".

it felt really great to share this into the circle. and it felt even more amazing to hear the other women share intimate wishes, fears, dreams, etc. as each of us spoke, i felt myself completely absorbed into this powerful, beautiful place we created. at one point i was so moved by the whole thing, i felt like i was going to explode if i could not express my joy at what whas going on. i felt that everyone there was so beautiful, so perfect, just as they were. i also felt that, as each woman spoke, different parts of myself spoke. it was very intense, very emotional, and really empowering to be part of this. and i felt a great big love running through me.

the intensity came down, of course, as soon as we broke the circle and got onto different topics. but some of that power is still with me, and if i think about it for long enough, it grows and grows. it makes me so happy that i can be with people and share our most intimate selves like this. i know now, that for me, this intimacy is essential. i cannot be happy or whole if i can't relate to people on this level.

what's also pretty amazing, is what happened in the days and weeks after the circle. this came as a total surprise. basically, my wish came true. when i spoke about molting fear and the need to control, it was like speaking a fantasy. i didn't even give it a thought as to when or if that could actually happen. but over the following days, as things came up in my daily life, things that would normally make me tighten, be stressed or just uncomfortable, i found myself just thinking "this is the edge".
what happened is not that my situation got better or was "solved" in any way; instead, my grip, my tightness, whatever that thing is that takes a hold of me at those uncomfortable moments, just eased up a little bit. it just loosened, and so i was able to live with the situation as it was, without reacting too much to it.

this happened over and over, as different scenarios came up during the day (one typical scenario: sena just peed on the floor, i'm trying to wipe it, aiyana is criying and trying to crawl through the pee, and the phone is ringing; etc).
at first i didn't notice things changing, but after a few days, it suddenly dawned on me that almost every time stressful things happen, this voice says to me "this is the edge" and then i instantly feel better, more free and relaxed.

i don't claim my wish coming true to be a miracle or anything weird. i just think that i was ready for it to happen. ready to let go a little bit more. ready to release some of the fears i've been living with. and i think it took a concrete event, actually verbalizing things, like i did in the circle, in order for things to start changing in a visible way.

(please don't take this too seriously).

peace

back to CT

my trip to montreal ended up being really nice. i got to rest a little bit once my dad came home and could help with child care (he was esp. helpful in going up and down the stairs watching aiyana's butt, and just generally keeping after her). so i got to rest, and i went to fairmount and got some bagels, and just had fun in traffic, watching people and smiling at them when they're giving me the finger.

the drive back yesterday was amazing. i was nervous that it was going to turn into a screaming fest, having both sena and aiyana with me, but things went really smoothly. we took a break in a beautiful spot in vermont, right before we hit white river junction. we had a little picnic on the grass, overlooking mountains with beautiful trees. we played chase and sang along with aiyana's favorite battery-operated book. it felt really nice to be out and breathe the cool air while the sun warmed our skin.

now we're back to our routine and it feels very nice and comforting. i'm feeling great, full of energy, looking fwd to the women's circle tonight and to the rest of the week.

peace

in montreal

so i made it to montreal. aiyana and i drove here yesterday, and the drive lived up to my highest hopes. aiyana was an angel in the car - no fussing at all.
for some reason, i expected the drive to be the hardest part of this trip, and i thought that once i'd get here it would be really relaxing. it turns out that the kids are a lot harder to look after here, which i should've known, cuz everything is so new for them and the house is not childproof (which i don't expect it to be). so between aiyana constantly going up and down the stairs with me right behind her, (or screaming in frustration if we don't let her), and all the potential accident sites i have to keep her away from, i find myself exhausted, more so than i've been in a while; even though my mom is trying her best to help. i think this is actually pretty tiring for her too...
so today, after not sleeping too well last night, we decided to go to NDG, to walk around the places i know from when i lived there. all in all we had a good time. my mom came and she helped a lot with the kids. we walked around, got croissants at the bakery, and eventually ended up in a park where sena and aiyana had fun playing. it was nice for me to be able to show sena the places that are close to my heart. the traffic, on the other hand, was not so nice. wow! i forgot how crazy it can get. but we made it without too much pain.

i'm glad to be here, esp since i also hope to see my good friends...but i have to say that i already miss the trees and just the general peaceful atmosphere i got used to where we live.

i feel that this is getting lame, so i'll have to stop here...

peace

sena in montreal

sena went up to montreal with my parents. they left this afternoon, and i am already feeling all...weird in my stomach, kind of hard to describe, but maybe you know what i mean. this is the furthest she's ever been away from me. but she was so excited at the idea of going, and she kept telling me not to worry, so we packed her stuff at the last minute and she went. my parents were here to visit my sister and her new baby Julia, and none of us had planned for sena to go back with them.

so i am looking fwd to an easier week, but at the same time now i have to deal with this weird feeling of being away from her. it's like, everything i love about her, which is everything, just stands out so much more when she's away. like how, for example, things were getting a bit intense the other day, aiyana was crying and sena was screaming, and then instead of losing it, i just turned on the radio, and they were playing some kind of techno/trance stuff, and i just started dancing and jumping and being really crazy with my arms up in the air and my hair flying all over the place. they just stood there, wide-eyed for a little while, as if trying to figure out what this was all about, and then they both started dancing and being all crazy too. and aiyana can't even walk yet, but she tries really hard, so she was just holding on to the stereo and bouncing up and down in place.

aiyana and i will be driving up to mtl to pick sena up on thursday, and we'll be there till sunday. so that's really exciting, i'm looking fwd to being back, to chocolate croissants and other good things.

peace

gray

very gray kind of day today...which makes me be very inward-oriented, which is nice. all these dreams and feelings coming up, sweeping me off, bluring the view... it's how it goes, not a bad feeling at all, as long as i can maintain equilibrium.

thinking a lot about montreal these days, and the people i feel close to. very strong feelings coming up, missing some things really badly. very tender spot in my heart, all to do with my life in montreal. but the kids help to keep me balanced, and somewhat focused.

hope to write more soon...

lots of love

baby Julia

my sister and Ricardo had their baby on wednesday. i am really excited and amazed, as if this is the first time i wintness this.
my sister ended up having a home birth, which was a big surprise for everyone, except for them of course. things went really well, and when i came to see them on wed afternoon, the atmosphere was one of relaxed, peaceful serenity. very beautiful and touching.

here's a link to their blog, where you can find some pics.
http://ricardoroxana.blogspot.com/

peace

silly

"though the lamp has been light,
the blind wonder in the dark"

or something like that. that's from Saraha, but Rumi has said something very similar, as i am shure have many others.

speaking of Rumi, my friend Marcia called the other day to invite me to an exclusive event with Coleman Barks, who's probably the most well-known translator of Rumi. so of course, i was over the top with excitement. sena and aiyana were in the car as Marcia called, and they were getting fussy, so i could not speak to her for long, just long enough to tell her how much this meant to me.

so anyway, rushing outside, in the car, things are pretty tense, i'm about to back up from the spot i'm in, which is on the grass under a tree. i have to keep my eyes out for the chickens, which are walking all around the car, don't want to run them over, not to mention all the other things thrown around randomly on the grass (chair, blanket, diapers, trycicle,etc.). so i'm watching carefuly for all these things as i'm backing out (slowly), when suddenly a big slam. the car stalls. i just hit a tree. a really big, can't miss it, kind of tree. so big that i wasn't even paying attention to it. i got out and looked at the trunk - pretty big dent, get back in the car, and sena says "mama, let's not do that again". pretty hard not to laugh at that, although i was still bummed about the trunk. it will have to be replaced. oh well...
so if you've done anything stupid lately, don't feel bad, just think of me and you're bound to feel better.

ed put some of those orange cones that they use when they do road construction all over our yard now, one on top of the chicken coup and some near each tree. it's pretty funny....


peace

circle

is this weather not amazing? i have been feeling SO good, so clear headed, so full of energy. wow, talk about being connected to our surroundings - it's obvious to me that the weather affects me a great deal.

we had our 3rd women's circle last monday. held it at my place under the apple tree under which aiyana was almost born. the weather was perfect for the occasion. the circle is a very intimate setting - a lot of emotions and energy come out. it's a safe space, where we feel that we can share anything. the wind that evening was strong, and it felt like everything we said, everything that was coming out, was being taken away, released into the wind and in that way, shared with all.

lap babies are allowed into the circle, so aiyana and three other babies were there with their mothers. babies can be distracting (esp. to their mothers), but i think that overall it's great to have them in the circle. their energy is so nice. aiyana was really funny last time. we were chanting "OM" and she sat there just like a little Buddha, perfect posture and eyes open, and chanted OM over and over with us. it lasted several minutes and she just did it with us, and as soon as we stopped she resumed playing.

i thought i'd share 2 pieces which i wrote a while ago and read in the circle:

PRAYER

Universal Consciousness -
please let my heart be open
to all that Life may bring.

allow me to surrender
to Life and uncertainty,
instead of trying to control.

brush away fear and frustration.
instead,
allow me peace and love.

let me be aware
wherever i am,
whatever i may be doing.

let me feel connected,
interdependent.

let me be tender, soft, compassionate,
vulnerable and open
to all that is.

let me be a vessel, a conduit
of healing, comfort, love, truth.

let your beauty, grace
and endless Love
stream through me
unimpeded -
like water running down a mountain.

------------------------------------------------------

POWER

i'm talking about
a different kind of power

a suddle, understated
all pervading power
that i can feel
when i am cooking -
cutting onions,
peeling garlic,
washing carrots

that i can feel
when i am washing
sun-bleached,
wind-swept laundry,
over and over again

the power that i felt at birth,
connected to women
present and past

the power that
lets me walk my baby,
soothing her to sleep
when i myself am exhausted

i'm talking about the kind of power
that women have kept a secret forever

the kind of power
that's gentle and strong
as it sustains the life
of every man, woman and child

the kind of power
that is so humble -
nobody talks about it
no one brags about it -
they don't need to

the kind of power that
allows me to soothe and comfort
despite my own weariness

the kind of power that
cannot be bought or taught
it must be had through experience -
over and over,
hour after hour,
day after day.

the kind of power that makes me
want nothing else

a power that's
not me,
yet runs through me

a power that
does not need to dominate
to manifest

i'm talking about
the kind of power
that's subdued and yielding
tather than oppressive or aggresseve

the kind of power
that doesn't call itself that.
----------------------------------------------------

peace

hypocrite

i'm in a funky mood right now.
i wanted to write about our four hens (Zugi, Denis, and two others yet to be named by sena), that we just got last week, and about how nice they are, and what a good time we're having with them.

wanted to write about (coincidentaly) getting this great big craving for chicken wings last friday, and going out to have some all by myself; about not really enjoying the taste, alhtough i did feel better (less light-headed) after having them.

wanted to write about how it is to feel like a hypocrite - here i am having chicken wings yet i'd never consider killing them myself. i just don't like taking a life. but i still sneak out for chicken wings sometimes. hmm... just another dilemma i'm working with. if i were starving and had no other options, i would problably kill to eat. but this is nowhere near my current situation. i have plenty of other options, and i can't kill something to eat it, so why is it ok for me to eat it as long as someone else kills it, as long as it comes in a frozen pack from the supermarket, unrecognizable?

hopefuly my kids won't have the meat craving and won't have this hypocrisy to deal with.

but what's really on my mind right now is human death. in particular, death in an institutional setting. such as in a hospital. ed told me aboutt this guy at work -his 14 yr old daughter just died last saturday. she had cancer since last january and died in the hospital. her family was with her at the time, and they were singing, and then at one point she just stopped singing and died. so, in a way, i'd like to think that maybe she felt comfortable enough, singing with her family, to let herself go. maybe her spirit felt this was a good time to leave. i guess if it had to happen, this was, in a way, a beautiful way for it to happen.

after her death, the parents tried to take her home, as it is done traditionally in the part of India where they're from. but the hospital gave them a hard time, and would only allow a funeral home to take her. can you imagine, having to deal with that when your daughter just died?

and even going beyond this family's situation, i was thinking how, although i realize that hospitals have lots of advantages and can help lots of people, i just don't think that they're the right settings for life transitions as important as birth or death. not for me, anyway.

i would definitely not want to die in a hospital, and i made sure ed knows that. i would much rather die at home, or outside, in a place i'm comfortable with. i think that death is much too personal, too spiritual, too humbling, too enormous to be enclosed in an institution. i think it has the potential to transform those it touches, and that sacred, liminal space it creates just cannot be sustained in a hospital setting.

especially here, in the US, hospitals are for-profit business. they advertise their services on huge billboards on the highway. their patients are their clients. so, i don't know how much room that leaves for the kind of environment that i would like to have if i were on my death bed. i certainly would not want to be propped in front of a TV with all kinds of monitors attached to me.

but these are just thoughts, and so are not worth much. people's experiences are, i'm sure, different. i don't wish death to anyone, but knowing that it happens, i hope everyone can have a peaceful, gentle death, whichever environment they're in.

peace

at the beach

sena, aiyana and i are at the beach in Rhode Island. we're visiting Ed's mom, and sleeping here tonight.
it's hot, hot, hot. but ed's parents have a little pool on the deck and we're splashing and keeping cool that way. i remember when my grandmother used to put a large bucket of water out on the balcony of our 7th floor apartment in romania. my sister and i had so much fun just splashing in there. my grandma was not afraid to get down on the floor with us, get dirty or wet or whatever. and we had so much fun with her. she really had a way to be right there with us as opposed to being "the adult". she serves as a good model for me right now.

everyone's napping now, but when they get up, we'll head to the beach for a late afternoon bath. i used to love the beach-going-scene, with the crowds, the loud music, the showing off. but now i find myself avoiding those things. i actually prefer quiet fun. i still like to play in the water, roll in the sand, jump in the waves. but i'm not so much into the other things. i prefer to sit and listen to the waves or look for shells, stuff like that. so we'll see how this goes, hopefuly if we go late we will miss the crowds.

i am really excited about my friend Taryn. she and her husband took 3 months off from work and are heading for a tour of the US in their RV. they'll be going to some national parks, so they're curently training for hiking, etc. i know that Taryn was really devoted to work, and i'm sure that she still is, but i am just happy that she braved the system and asked for a leave of absence. this is not commonly done at Pratt. so, great for them, i wish them great adventures, whichever form they may come in.

peace to everyone

drumming

my friend Richard brought me a drum. i love it. i've been feeling very inspired these days, bubbling with things wanting to come out and concretize in one form or another.
drumming is one thing that came up. i've never drummed before, and i have no musical skill to speak of. but i love the drum anyway, and i try different things on it. i especially love being outside with the kids, and playing with it. usually they join in, and we're all drumming. it's a beautiful african drum, with jungle animal designs on the side.
ed also likes it - when thing get crazy, late in the evening, and the kids are fussy and whiney, he starts drumming and they usually come down.

some more things i wrote:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
he said:
"you know,
every hero needs
a dragon to slay"

so now, i am
just happy
to be a Nobody.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Filter

You and I,
we filter.
that's what we do,
we look around,
and we take out
of our experience
that which suits our mindset.

and so we create
our Reality,
on the outside
matching quite well
the reality inside.

we say:
"i knew it would be this way"
or
"i told you"
or
"this always happens to me"
and so on,
without realizing
that we've filtered
out of limitless,
infinite reality,
that which suits us.

what can i say?
throw away the filter?
not that easy...
yet,
what do you have to lose?
be crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
My ego and I

I say:
Ego, won't you please
give me a break,
leave me alone?

we fight so much
my ego and i
and she always wins

sometimes,
when i'm too tired
to fight, or think, or care
ego and i sit down for tea
and then she slips away unnoticed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

here's something I wrote, inspired by my experience of walking in a labyrinth that my friend Jennifer showed me:

I walk slowly
the labyrinth of my life.
sometimes mindful, aware of each step -
most times mindless,
fearful, uncertain,
focused on the next turn -
where will it take me?

sometimes my path
comes together with yours,
and for a brief period
we walk together -
we fall in love
and we find friendship.
we intersect.

and just as we think
"this is it",
we move on-
our paths separate
each taking its inevitable turns.
inevitable, i mean,
given who you are
and who i am,
and our circumstances.

yet we may meet again -
to hope for this is crazy
to not hope for this is crazy.

the labyrinth ends
in the center-
always in the center.
it's where we all start from
and where we all return.

the center is that place
we sense intuitively
all our lives,
walking around in circuambulatory motion.

the center is stillness,
is Life
is Death.
the center is undefinable and infinite.
I will see you there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

peace

control

wow, getting to write again! it's been a while, and i've missed it. so let's see how it goes this time.

things are good with us. lots of things on my mind these days, lots of discoveries and re-discoveries that i'm making about living life. no way to sum it all up, so i'll just be random.

one issue i'm dealing with these days is my interraction with Sena. she can be very challenging and defiant some days, and a lot of times i reaspond to her in ways that i later regret. i find that some days all i do is tell her don't do this and don't do that, or i yell at her. this makes me sad.

like yesterday for example. yesterday was when her defiant behavior towards me pretty much peaked. we woke up and got a bad start in the morning. i was tired, having been up at 4am with aiyana. when sena woke up, aiyana was still sleeping, so i was trying to tell sena to keep quiet as not to wake her up, but she spoke loudly anyway, and aiyana got up. then, sena told me she had to go pee, and i told her to go. she's fully potty trained and goes by herself all the time. yet this time, when i got to the bathroom, there was a huge puddle of pee on the floor, and in the hallway. i was not pleased. i felt groggy and hungry, and now i had to clean the floor instead of eating. anyway, i put sena outside, and cleaned. when i finished, i went out to see what she was up to (aiyana was pretty content all this time, entretaining herself w some toys). i opened the front door to find sena covered in poop. there was poop on her hands, face, arms and legs. she had gone right in front of the door, and then smeared it everywhere, including herself. so now, i'm starving, tired and am faced with at least another half hour of cleaning. i was pretty livid at this point (although now i have to admit that it's funny). i took sena and hosed her down right there, trying to get the poop off her forehead, etc. the water was really cold and she was crying, but a part of me really wanted her to cry and suffer. then, i felt her pain and stopped the hose, and went to get a bucket of hot water in the house.

eventually i got everything cleaned up and we went on about our day. but i really was not happy about how i had dealt with the situation, how i yelled at her and washed her with cold water. not that i wanted to let her off the hook. i definitely wanted to make the point that this in not acceptable. but i think what i did was more than that. i think it's almost like i wanted her to suffer, and this really bothers me.

later in the day, when things were calm and aiyana was sleeping, i talked to sena about what happened. we often do this. i told her how i felt about what she did, and i also told her that i didn't like the way i acted with her. i said that i was sorry and i told her that i'm working on it. she's only 2.5, so this may be a bit much, but i think she understands a lot, and in any case, being honest w her cannot hurt.

when she went down for a nap, i thought more about what's been going on. it became clear to me that part of my reaction, a great part, is attributed to being out of control. it's like i try so hard to have things go a certain way, and when they don't i get really frustrated. sometimes i react so much that it's almost like a new person takes over and it hits me, like "wow, where did all that anger come from?". it's usually over in a flash, but i don't like it nevertheless. yet not liking it is not a solution, and it's not going to help me solve this. i realized that i have to accept what's happening and try to work with all these crazy feelings as opposed to pushing them away. the more i thought about it, the more clear it became. what i need to do is do my best, and then let go. i think that's a much more realistic way to go about things than expecting to be in control. it's not like i'm giving up on things completely. i will continue to do my best. but the key is to do that and at the same time to let go. which is kind of paradoxical, but hey, that's life.

i felt much, much better afer my "discovery" (you know how things could be right in front of you for ever and ever, yet you won't really see the truth until you are ready to). i think all my experiences in the recent past have prepared me for this, and i have to say that i am looking fwd to seeing how things turn out with this different attitude.

enjoy the heat

peace

short one

i'm not sick anymore. it turned out that i had chicken pox, which i got from sena, who got them from her friend clara. so i was right there with the kids. fortunately sena and i had it really mild. i only got 3 pox, and that one day when i felt really worn out. so all in all it was pretty easy.

feeling good again, and enjoying the things that go on every day.
really hope to have more time to write soon though....

love

sick again

i guess having children really takes a toll. i am sick so much more often than i used to be. in between the lack of (good) sleep and the kids always picking up one thing or another from their friends, this is what you get.

so i'm here with the achy-all-over, feverish type of thing. luckily, Sena's at her grandma's today. so that means i only have Aiyana, and that went ok in the morning, but she's got so much more energy than i do at the moment that she got bored...and it's raining outside. so we went for a drive, and she fell asleep soon enough, so here i am at my sister's writing this post.

speaking of my sister, i don't know if i mentioned that she and Ricardo are expecting a baby in september. so that's really exciting.
i have to confess that most times (not right now, cuz' i feel too sick) i am envious / jealous of her, cuz' she'll get to give birth. and that's such a cool experience, so powerful. it's one of the very few times when you're really in touch with things. if you let yourself be. it's like experiencing this awsome force of nature, a huge transformation that's taking place through you. so anyway, maybe i'll have more kids just to experience this again. i think it scares ed when i say this, he's having a hard enough time with two. and i am too, but i still feel like this.

with all this rain, my garden's doing pretty well. i planted lavender, spearmint (for tea), catnip, basil and beans. also some marigolds cuz' they're so pretty. the groundhog ate my catnip, but everything else is doing well. last night i used some of the basil in a stirfry i made, and it was really good. plus it's really fun cooking something that you've planted and tended to yourself.

peace

more rain

it's been pouring over the last two days. but when there's a little break in the rain, i rush outside and get some fresh air. i love these days just as they are. even though my mood is not the over-the-top joyous type. it seems fitting to be more introverted when the weather is gray and foggy.

sometimes i find myself wishing bad things on people. like wishing that someone would fail at something. especially if the someone is a woman, good looking, successful, etc., in other words someone that brings out my competitive side.
this really disturbs me. i try to fight it. but that never works. the feeling returns with new opportunities.
lately i've been trying to accept the feeling, ugly as it may be, and get to the root of it. see where it's coming from. what i discovered, and this is probably obvious to everyone but me, is that it comes from my own insecurities. being insecure, it makes sense that i'd like to see others fail. but going deeper than that, i can trace my insecuritites to an all pervading feeling of loneliness.

in particular, i remember one time, in montreal, about 10 yrs ago. i guess i was not really happy with where i was in my life, although i didn't admit it consciously. one day, something happened, i don't rememebr what, but i know it was minor. i got in the shower, let the water run over me, and broke down into sobs. i cried for what seemed like a long time (wasted lots of water too - didn't have a water saver back then....). i felt sorry for myself and so alone. i felt that other than my dog, Stanton, i had no one. i think, in retrospect, that my spiritual side was totally starved. i was disconnected. disconnected in a fundamental way. despite having lots of friends and my family, on a deeper level i was lost.

i don't know if i'd still break down like that now. maybe, but i think i'm definitely more grounded than before, more at peace.
i guess that comes with age. but for me, it also came with living in Nature. as much as i love cities and all the fun they provide, i sometimes feel that they are soul-less, and alienating on a very basic level. i know that not everyone feels this way, but for me, being more in nature gives me peace and security, in a suddle, understated kind of way.

since i've been living here i've been able to take a walk in the woods any time i want, or sit by a stream, or just sit under a tree and look at a bird - and over time, all these experiences became a balm to my soul. they make me feel like i'm part of things, part of a great dynamic whole. they make me less afraid of death.

when i feel connected, i can see myself becoming gentler and nicer towards everyone, including myself. still a long way to go though....

so i will end here with some quotes from my neighbor:

"if you don't think about it,
it all makes sense"

and

"this is it" (he says this as he sweeps his hand in a gesture encompassing everything around him)

peace

fireflies and stuff

the other day, i was sitting under the apple tree in our yard. sena and aiyana were both napping. the sun was shining, and i was in the shade. as i felt myself relax, i slowly started to become overwhelmed by the beauty of everything around me, by how good it felt to just be.
so i had to write a few words...here they are:

(You came to me)

i was waiting
i was pleading with you to let me see you
and then you came

you came to me as
fireflies last night
i could see you from my bed

you came to me as
three hungry bird chicks,
in a nest,
in the tree above my head -
i can see them right now
waiting hungrily, beaks open.

you came to me -
a spider tickiling my neck

you came to me
i love you

**********

and here's some more:

(my great love)

i love you
i am alive
superbly alive
ecstasy - over the top
nature drives me crazy
i want to hug the earth,
melt into the dirt
(one day i will)

each cell, each fiber of my body
alive to the touch, the kiss
of wind and water
of the seasons.

when i cry, i wail
when i laugh, my belly shakes
i eat my fill of you
but i am always hungry
hungry for each moment
for each detail to be lived
in its own way, for its own sake

*****************8

(i worship)

i worship the dirt under my bare feet
i worship the insect walking on my bare arm
i worship the fly buzzing over my food

i worship the beetle hiding in its hole
i worship the sound of rustling leaves
i worship the song of birds
i worship the creaking of crickets
i worship the feeling of wind on bare skin

i worship this body that came from dirt,
through a long line of mothers,
and will one day soon be dirt again.

i worship the dirt on your feet
i worship this blissful feeling
i worship all of This.

***********

peace

on this rainy day

did you lose your faith in love?
did you lose your faith in human feeling?
silence
did you lose your trust in truth?
did your heart find no way to healing...
("what silence said", from Susheela Raman's Music for Crocodiles, an amazing, amazing album)

when my third snail died,
i said "i'm through with snails".
but i didn't mean it
(written by a 6 yr old girl, quoted in "Women's Voices")

so these are just some things i felt like sharing on this rainy, windy day.
i feel like the weather today very much reflects the funky mood i'm in. woke up with it and can't shake it. why are all these things coming up again? at least i'm not as swept away in the emotions as i used to be. i still got a little grounding. just enough to take care of the kids.

i meant to write about some other things. just some cool stuff that's been happening. like the walk in the labyrinth last week. and my herb garden. but i will leave that for another time, another mood.

but i just wanted to say that i got myself together enough to actually organize the women's circle i mentioned in an earlier posting. it's at my place tonight. i guess it will have to be inside with this weather... but in some way it seems like a rainy day is perfect for such a gathering. i'm definitely looking forward to it. will write my impressions soon.

peace

dreams

i've been having so many dreams lately. cool dreams, that seem to mean a lot at the time, and i wake up saying to myself "i have to remember this", but them, by morning, i get so busy and i forget. but it doesn't matter, cuz' the feeling stays with me. and the feeling is usually really nice, and reassuring in a deep kind of way.

i've also been having lots of ideas that get me really excited. like, for example, i want to start a women's circle. there's a lot of interest among my friends, and i have a great space for it, outside, at our house. i have so many ideas about what we could do - sharing poetry or any writing that's meaningful to us, drumming, dancing, and so many others. now i just have to get down and do it. start calling people. that's the hard part for me. i like to dream and come up with exciting ideas, but when it comes to action, i get all scattered and lose myself. but we'll see what happens this time, cuz' i'm quite determined to make this happen.

so things have been really good lately. i'm feeling elated quite a lot. don't know if it's the weather, or the beautiful surroundings, or the amazing community i'm surrounded by. or whatever.

but i am so grateful for feeling like this and for being able to share it with others.

there's this woman i've known for about a year now. i don't see her much, but whenever i do, she just floors me. she always manages to say very profound things in a really funny and down-to-earth kind of way. she has 2 children too - a baby aboyt aiyana's age, and an older boy that she homeschools. her house is not the cleanest, and her clothes, well, i guess she sometimes does not change for days. but her way of being, the way she comes accross, i can't really pinpoint it - but each time i leave her i feel like she's just given me so much, i feel so free and so inspired. it's just the way she says things - like she'll take a totally tense / frustrating situation and make fun of it, or make fun of herself, until she turns the whole thing around, and you can't help but laugh. laugh at how crazy things can get, how crazy we can get, all tangled up in out fear and worries.

i think that this woman is so beautiful - and the other day it occured to me that maybe the reason i like her so much is because she reflects a part of me that i really like. you know, just like the reverse is also true. why is it that i get so frustrated and upset with my parents, over nothing at all? i really think that it's because they reflect things i do not like or want in myself. my mom for instance - every time she comes over to help, no matter how much i prepp myself in advance, i end up being rude to her over some incident, something she sadi or did. and then, a day later, i'll find myself doing the exact same thing. it would be funny if it weren't so close to my heart, and if it weren't happening so often...

all is well, always.
(check out the recipe in the previous post also)

peace

dahl recipe

here's my favorite dahl recipe. it's really easy to make and tastes good. it's from Madhur Jaffrey's World Vegetarian, slightly modified to my taste.

1cup red lentils
1/4 tsp turmeric
1 1/4 tsp salt

olive oil
1/2 tsp brown mustard seeds
1 red chile (or more if you want it spicier)
1/2 tsp curry powder
at least 4 cloves of garlic (i use around 8)

so you wash the lentils really well. you drain them and put them in a pot. you add 4 cups of water and set on medium heat. when boiling occurs, you turn the heat on low, and add the turmeric and salt. stir once, and let the whole thing simmer on low heat until the lentils are really soft (about 1 hr).

put the olive oil in a separate (small) pan, and set it on medium heat. when the oil is hot, add the mustard seeds. when they start popping (a few seconds), add the chopped chile. stirfry for 30 sec, then add the crushed garlic. stirfry till the garlic is roasted, then add the cury. fry for a few seconds, then turn the heat off, and add the spice mixture to the lentils. mix the whole thing and simmer till lentils are very soft.

i like to eat this with brown rice, which i cook on the side, and some kind of greens. but if i'm too busy or disorganized to make anything else (which is usually the case), it tastes really good on its own too. and it keeps really well in the fridge for about 4 days. i hope you like it too if you try it.

peace

blessing way

my friend is expecting a baby next month. so last sunday i attended a blessing celebration for her and her new baby. i had never been at such a celebration before -been to two baby showers though, and found out that showers are not my thing. i was put off by the fact that other than sitting around and watching the mom-to-be open tons of (useless, in my opinion) presents, not much else happened. i didn't know what to expect at this blessing - but knowing my friends, i thought it would be something different, more special, more meaningful, at least to me.

it turned out to be an amazing experience. a blessing way is an old Navajo ritual. and this one was inspired from that tradition. it was 11 of us, all women, and 2 baby girls. it started off with all of us sitting in a circle on the ground, in the woods, on colorful blankets. the woman in whose honor this was held was part of the circle, but she sat on a simple chair covered with beautiful, colorful scarves and blankets. on her head, she wore a wreath of fresh flowers.

the ceremony started by lighting a smudge stick, which was then passed around the circle for cleansing. a thin thread of smoke rose from our circle, following the smudge stick.
in the middle of the circle was a low table, covered with a native-print cloth, on which stood 11 small candles arranged in a circle, and one big candle in the center. once we were done passing the smudge, each woman picked up a candle. we lit our candles from each other's, and as we did so, each person made a wish for the mother-to-be, out loud. the wind was picking up at this point, so it was hard to keep the candles lit. but we spoke our wishes to her anyway.

the only noises other than our wispered wishes, were the wind rustling through the tall trees surrounding us. some roosters called from a nearby pen.

since none of this was planned in advance (except for one person who led the ceremony), none of us knew what to expect, and the wishes we made were thought of on the spot. it was hard not to be moved by the heart-felt words being said, by how raw the whole thing was. even the wind, which was chilling us and blowing our hair wild seemed appropiate to the occasion.

soon it started to rain, but we continued to sit on the ground, in semi-silence, and it felt perfect to be like that. aiyana and the other baby seemed to be picking up on the energy, and were both very content to just sit on the ground with us.

eventually, as the rain intensified, we went in the house. it was the home of the woman whose property we were on. i didn't know this woman well before, and i had never been to her place before. i had heard her being refered to as a "wise-woman" before. now i know why.

her house was amazing. rocks, sticks, animal bones and shells, were displayed alongside striking artwork. she had lots of books nicely arranged in very little space. everything was so simple yet so powerful about her place.

once we were inside the house, we sat in a circle again, and each woman presented the mother-to-be with a small gift (a candle, some feathers, a picture, etc). most women also had something special to say out loud - some read passages from books they liked, others read things they wrote themselves. one woman recited a poem she memorized.

one woman in particular touched me. when her turn came to speak, she said that as mothers, one of the most important things we learn is to let go. i knew exactly what she was talking about. "to let go" has been my theme for the recent past. let go of control, of expectations, of fear...
she was thinking of something different for this occasion, though. she took the necklace she was wearing in her hand, held it, and told us how meaningful it was to her. she had worn it at her own birth, she said, and now, it was time to let it go. she took it off, held it a little longer, and said that maybe one day, the necklace will make its way back to her. and maybe it won't. then she gave it to the mother-to-be. we passed it around the circle and everyone held it for a while, putting their energy and love into it for the mother to have at her birth.

at the end of the ceremony, we passed around string, which each woman wrapped around her wrist before passing it on. when were all tied together in a circle, we cut the string and each one of us was left with a small piece of it wrapped around her wrist, as a reminder. i still have mine on, and love the feeling it gives me each time i look at it.

after the ceremony, we had some amazing vegetarian food, sat and laughed, and then went home. as i drove home, it hailed and poured, and the wind blew branckes off the trees into the road. all the while, the sun was out. it seemed appropriate - i felt this to be a reflection of my own state at the time.

i am so gratefult for this experience, and i will always remember it.

peace

pics

i the picture of aiyana. she's got pure joy in her eyes, and i know it's real. it was taken about 2 weeks ago, in front of our house.

the other picture, of she and i, was taken at a Maypole celebration, at a friends' house, on may 1st.

peace

“Serenity Now!!!”

(i wrote this about 2 weeks ago, but never got to post it. so here it is now...
it's funny to read it now and seee my own reaction to it - wow, is this really how i felt that day?)

I am so tired of myself. So tired of my selfishness, of my pettiness and self-centeredness. Ever feel like that?

I want to move beyond this so badly, to move beyond myself - but even this desire gets all twisted up and becomes a pitiful attempt to boost my ego….

Yesterday was a beautiful day. Sunny and free. I had two completely unexpected moments of pure joy that literally brought me to tears. One was in the swing with Sena and Aiyana, and the other was in bed at night, with the two of them. Both times they were laughing and they got me laughing along too, and there was nothing else but that laughter, and even though it only lasted seconds, it was so pure and untainted. For those few seconds, nothing else existed – I think that’s what bliss is all about.

Today feels so different though. Maybe it’s because I had all these expectations. The whole week I was looking forward to today – the farmer’s market is starting up again, and I knew we’d see lots of friends and have fun, etc, etc. But things started off on the wrong foot this morning, with Sena waking up earlier than I would have liked her to, and then starting to cry when she didn’t find Ed in the house. He was outside planting some stuff, and once Sena started crying, Aiyana got up and cried too, and I had to get up and try to calm them down even though I felt in a daze myself. That’s how it started, and the rest of the day, till now, it seems like everything hits the wrong spot with me. Even though it’s a beautiful day. And everyone else is in a good mood. For some reason, I can’t shake this. I feel like something is going on, like I’m picking up on some energy that’s trying to tell me something and it’s all confusing and irritating.

Finally, in the afternoon, I got some time to myself. I felt like that’s what I really needed. I tried to sleep, but was too agitated. Kept getting out of bed doing this and that. I knew I needed something, but could not figure out what. The book I was looking for, and felt I wanted to read to change my mindset was nowhere to be found. Finally, I sat down on the ground and closed my eyes. In no time at all, my mind slowed down considerably, and I felt the peace I had been looking for all day. It was so soothing, I cried again. It’s all in there, I knew it, and I just caught a small, distant glimpse of it. As quickly as it happened though, it also went away. My mind resumed its chattering. I tried to get back to that peaceful place, but try was the wrong thing to do. You know how that goes.

Did a little yoga to make my body feel better, and spent the rest of my free time pleading with I don’t know who, I guess with myself in part, to let me lose myself, let me surrender, let me get rid of me for a little while. Just let me rest in that peace and tranquility. Let me have a break from this chattering mind. Doing this in all seriousness made me smile. So that was nice.

I know it’s not that easy. But why can’t I have “serenity now”, to use a phrase that Ed often quotes to me. I’m used to instant gratification.

I’m really at a loss here. I’m searching so hard, yearning so much. I’m trying to surrender. Isn’t that ridiculous? I’m using what I know, what I’m used to, the only tools I have, in order to get something that I can somehow sense, but that I know I cannot get by these means. How do you surrender? How do you let go that much? I don’t know yet, but I know it’s not by trying.

Crazy, crazy talk – but this is where I am.
Don’t take this seriously – if anything, just laugh.

peace

some pics

taken by my mom about 1 month ago...

this is me with sena and aiyana one morning after we just got up...



and here's my sister with aiyana (preparing for her own...)



peace