more rain

it's been pouring over the last two days. but when there's a little break in the rain, i rush outside and get some fresh air. i love these days just as they are. even though my mood is not the over-the-top joyous type. it seems fitting to be more introverted when the weather is gray and foggy.

sometimes i find myself wishing bad things on people. like wishing that someone would fail at something. especially if the someone is a woman, good looking, successful, etc., in other words someone that brings out my competitive side.
this really disturbs me. i try to fight it. but that never works. the feeling returns with new opportunities.
lately i've been trying to accept the feeling, ugly as it may be, and get to the root of it. see where it's coming from. what i discovered, and this is probably obvious to everyone but me, is that it comes from my own insecurities. being insecure, it makes sense that i'd like to see others fail. but going deeper than that, i can trace my insecuritites to an all pervading feeling of loneliness.

in particular, i remember one time, in montreal, about 10 yrs ago. i guess i was not really happy with where i was in my life, although i didn't admit it consciously. one day, something happened, i don't rememebr what, but i know it was minor. i got in the shower, let the water run over me, and broke down into sobs. i cried for what seemed like a long time (wasted lots of water too - didn't have a water saver back then....). i felt sorry for myself and so alone. i felt that other than my dog, Stanton, i had no one. i think, in retrospect, that my spiritual side was totally starved. i was disconnected. disconnected in a fundamental way. despite having lots of friends and my family, on a deeper level i was lost.

i don't know if i'd still break down like that now. maybe, but i think i'm definitely more grounded than before, more at peace.
i guess that comes with age. but for me, it also came with living in Nature. as much as i love cities and all the fun they provide, i sometimes feel that they are soul-less, and alienating on a very basic level. i know that not everyone feels this way, but for me, being more in nature gives me peace and security, in a suddle, understated kind of way.

since i've been living here i've been able to take a walk in the woods any time i want, or sit by a stream, or just sit under a tree and look at a bird - and over time, all these experiences became a balm to my soul. they make me feel like i'm part of things, part of a great dynamic whole. they make me less afraid of death.

when i feel connected, i can see myself becoming gentler and nicer towards everyone, including myself. still a long way to go though....

so i will end here with some quotes from my neighbor:

"if you don't think about it,
it all makes sense"

and

"this is it" (he says this as he sweeps his hand in a gesture encompassing everything around him)

peace