Aiyana turned 1 year old yesterday. What a beautiful day! Just like last year at this time. At around 4pm, the time when I gave birth, I found myself sitting under the apple tree where most of my labor took place, just being quiet and enjoying the wind, the sun, and everything around me. It was so nice to have this gorgeous weather and reminisce.
Looking back, I think that in many ways, the last year has been the hardest and the best year of my life. The hardest because life with two little ones can get that way. Lack of sleep, having to be available day and night, living on the brink of chaos much of the time - this and everything else got overwhelming at times (quite a lot of times).
It’s been the best year for several reasons, none of which fully describes how I feel.
First, I because I felt and still do that what I’m doing really matters and makes a difference. It’s very obvious that if I’m there for my kids, physically, emotionally, and everything else, we’re all much happier.
Second, during the course of the last year I’ve been present more than ever before. I find that the difficulties I experienced and described before have the flip side of forcing one to be present. I just couldn’t live on auto-pilot anymore. Life got too intense, requiring awareness and attention. In that sense I feel that I’ve lived much more in the last year than in previous years of my life.
I’ve noticed many things that have always been there but passed me by before. Like the seasons, for example. Living where I do and being outside everyday, I feel that I’ve really experienced winter, spring, summer and now fall. I’ve seen the trees change with each season, always beautiful. Seen birds make their nestss in the trees near my house in the spring, seen the chicks grow during the summer and now I’m seeing the empty nests they left behind. It’s really amazing, and all these observations have gone deeper than what I perceived with my eyes or what I tried to convey in words. They’ve become part of me, or rather I became part of them. I really feel that I am connected to all these changing things, the trees, the birds, the wind. I’m shifting with them.
I’m noticing for example how the cooler fall weather makes me feel so clear headesd. Or how the full and new moon affect me each month. I’m noticing how all this amazing fresh food I’ve had this past year affects me, and I am so thankful to the earth and the people growing the food.
Another nice thing I experienced over the past year is inspiration. Lots of inspiration. In my attempt to keep sane and somewhat calm, I’ve searched and grasped at anything that gave me a new perspective, that inspired me, that allowed me to expand my being and breathe easier. Two great sources of inspiration have been reading and music. Just a few lines of Rumi at the right time made a huge difference. Or Pema Chodron. Or Osho. And so many others.
My main source of inspiration however, came from people. People I’ve known for some time, and some that I met in the past year. Knowing that I’m not the only one dealing with chaos, hearing other people’s stories and experiences, seeing them as they are, has made me feel much more relaxed about my own situation, and has made me appreciate and love these people more. Just a few words at the right time, spoken with love and understanding, have saved me from feeling miserable and depressed many times, especially when aiyana was very young and I was dealing with lots of changes and exhaustion.
I am thinking for example, of my friend and midwife, kim, who told me in her gentle, caring way, that it’s ok if I don’t get to brush my teeth, and there‘s dirty laundry all over the house. She said - just take care of yourself and the baby, and some day you‘ll get to the rest.
Or my friend Sue, who’s give me these amazing one liners over the phone. At one point, when I felt particularly crazy, she said: just write down 3 things that you’re grateful for at this moment. I did that, posted it on my fridge, and felt better, my focus shifted in a positive direction.
Or my friend Jennifer, who’s one of those people who are so beautiful, in every way, that everything they touch also becomes beautiful. And I mean everything. When Jennifer cooks, the food looks beautiful, decorated w edible flowers and leaves. Whe she sings, her voice is eerie, penetrating, disturbing in its beauty. When she draws, I can’t stop staring at what she makes. Just one of those women that I feel truly blessed to have in my life. Totally inspiring, life-affirming, creative, crazy.
My mom has also been really supportive since Aiyana‘s birth. Several times, she came and spent 2-3 weeks at a time with us, helping me w the kids day and night, giving me a huge reprieve. I remember one day, when both sena and Aiyana had fallen asleep and my mom said - just go and do something for yourself. I drove to the general store, got a tea, and sat down on one of the wicker chairs outside, reading a book. I felt so amazing, savoring this time, just sitting there in the warm spring sunshine… people coming in the store were even commenting on how content I looked. When I got home, I gave my mom a big hug, and I meant it, knowing that this is the best way to thank her and show her how much I appreciated her help.
I’ve come to know and love all these people and many more, and this is the best thing that happened out of all the crazyness that has been my life over the last year.
So now that I sit here and write this, I am realizing that if I had to live my life the way I’ve been doing in the past year, that’d be ok. I’ve been cleaning a lot of pee off the floor, been woken up in the middle of the night a lot more than I’d like, been taking care of myself less than I’d like, been frustrated and overwhelmed a lot, been crying, been yelling more than I’d like, been doing nothing out of the ordinary with my life - and I love it. I really don’t want anything more than to continue to appreciate whatever little moments life brings me. I’m not looking for a perfect life (anymore) - and realizing that is…delicious.
peace
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