training wheels off, baby!

a couple of days ago, sena decided that she was ready to take the training wheels off her bike. ed and i helped her, and she was actually able to ride by herself for 20 ft or so at a time. she learned how to break, but still needs a lot of practice balancing and stearing. she had a few falls, to be expected... but overall, she was really excited and proud of herself. here she is:

aiyana, of course, wanted to take her training wheels off too. only one problem though, she's riding a tricycle. she was pretty upset about this. i had to explain that the wheels off her trycicle do not come off. she got it eventually...

i wanted to post another video, where you can see sena crash (i'll do it next time). things got a little crazy, but nobody got hurt, and overall, i laughed more that night than i have in a long time...

more summer pictures

hanging out after breakfast
aiyana's afternoon nap

and my favorite spot, the place where i feel happiest and most peaceful:

last saturday

last saturday, while i had my time off, ed took the girls to the swap-shop and they each got a "new" bag. of course, they wanted to use them right away. so when they got home, sena begged me to go an a picnic, so that she can take some snacks in her new bag. i kind of had different plans (grocery shopping - that's always optional), but we decided to scrap them and go for the picnic.
sena and aiayana got busy picking peas and the back yard (ed's peas are delicious and plentiful right now), and i cut some carrot sticks and some apple; they packed this, along with some crackers and a blanket in their bags, and off we were. it was a beautiful day, and we went by the fenton river, close to our house.
they skipped around and jumped in the water for a while, then had their snacks, and when they started fighting with each other, i decided it was time for a nap, and we came home.
here are some pictures...

she's already started?

sena says to me today:
mom, i want to go to giovanna's birthday party by myself (giovanna is her good friend, who's turning 5 soon).
i asked, how are you going to get there?
she said, can you drive me there, and drop me off?
then i asked her if aiyana can come and she said yes.
finally, i said, what are you going to do at the party? why don't you want me to come?
she answered very simply and naturally, i just want to hang out with my friends....
which i totally understand and relate to, except that i expected this conversation to happen maybe 10 years from now...

i love it!

getting involved with MAC

recently, i've become involved with a group that advocates for children and families in mansfield (MAC), the town i live in. our local librarian invited me to one of their meetings, and now i've become a member of the group and am loving it. the group recently got a nice grant for coming up with a plan that would outline how we can better support the health and well-being of families with young children in our area.

i'm really excited about being part of this! in the past few years, especially since i had children, i've become acutely aware of the importance community plays in our lives. raising children in isolation can be very difficult, and puts a huge strain on a family. very few of us are lucky enough to have family nearby that can help support us especially in those first few years when the kids are young and there are so many demands on the parents. so the role of the community is key.

what i'm really excited about with this group is that they seem really open to different voices, diffrent experiences, different points of views. they also plan to address a variety of issues, such as health, education, transportation, housing, etc, and link them all together into something viable for the community. i see a lot of potential, like bike-paths, for instance. i think that if we had more bikepaths linking key points in our area, such as the library, general store, community center, etc, it would make it easier for people to be out and about, connecting with each other and having fun without using their cars, and without risking their lives riding on the road, as is currently the case. i'm also really excited about the prospect of getting home-schoolers and public schools more involved with each other, using each other's resources, being aware of each other. mostly though, i'm excited about the opportunity of making a difference on a local level, in the lives of people i know, where i can see and evaluate the results.

i already commited myself quite a bit to this group, it's the biggest commitment i've made outside of my family since i quit work at pratt. but ed's being really supportive, he can see that this is close to my heart, and he also believes that the project has a lot of potential.
so we'll see how it goes...

hard time

oh my god, i'm having such a hard time this week! i can't pull myself out of it. on some level i don't even want to, i just want to go through it and figure it out, but it's so hard with everything going on, and all the responsibilities i have. i feel so impatient and irritable around the kids, and they, especially sena, have been pushing me to the limit in the past couple of days. i don't know if she's picking up on my discomfort, or if she's dealing with her own stuff, probably both, but she's been so demanding and dispespecful...

anyway, there's been a lot more than just the kids though. i feel so sad. part of my sadness i can see clearly and part i cannot. last sunday, we went to rhode island to visit ed's family, and it really hit me how alienated i am from mainstream society. my lifestyle and interests are so different from most people, that i find it hard to connect except on a most superficial level, which i'm not interested in. so that's part of my sadness for sure, but there's more to it, and i'm not sure just what that is...

i've had some nice moments too in the past few days, one was on monday when the girls and i went strawberry picking. it was misting lightly, and the sky was overcast, and i thought it would be perfect for picking since most people come when it's sunny. we were the only ones in the field, and picked 6 lbs in half an hour. sena and aiyana both did really well, they were respectful with the plants, not pulling too hard or stepping over them, and they picked quite a bit.
on monday night we had another beautiful, powerful storm, but since everyone was awake at the time, my experience was different from last time. i enjoyed it nevertheless.
today, it's been up and down. i did some weeding in the garden, which made me feel good. but i also had a couple of outbursts with sena and now i feel depleted. i hope my mom can take them for a while so i can get some time alone. i really need it...

peace

some more pictures

sunrise at our house
weaving....
sena, helping to plant winter squash
ayana in the garden, getting her scissors ready to pick salad greens

ed and aiyana on the front porch, watching the rain

peace

the storm

last tuesday it was crazy hot, so that i felt exhausted and could barely move. i didn't leave the house all day, but the kids played outside in the wading pool and i managed to do some work anyway.

the best part of the day for me, came at night, after everyone had gone to sleep. i was about to fall asleep too, but white flashes in the sky kept drawing my attention. it was lightning, far away. the night was heavy with heat, but i could feel changes happening in the silence and stillness. at first it was just the flashes, but then the wind started to pick up just a bit, and at one point i could smell the rain. i got out of bed and went to the bathroom. i'm still afraid of dark, but i'm trying to get over it, so i decided not to turn on any lights. i stood in the bathroom looking outside, and just when i was about to decide that there's nothing to see and go back to bed, a firefly flew right in front of the window. the first one i've seen this year! it flew slowly in front of me, doing what looked like a lazy dance; i stared at it for a while, smiling and thanking it for coming, and then i saw another one in the woods; this made me very happy.

i eventually went back to bed, but by now i was wide awake. i decided that i was going to focus all my attention on the approaching storm. i could hear the growing thunder, and the wind had picked up considerably. despite my decision, i found it hard to focus, to really pay attention. as always, my mind kept wondering off in different directions. but i didn't let this bother me - instead i tried to catch myself and come back to the storm before drifting too much.

before long, the wind got really intense - i could hear branches cracking outside, and things in the yard being tossed around. the bathroom door kept slamming open and shut and i was amazed (and grateful) that i was the only one awake. thunder cracked and seemed to match the wind in intensity. i could see flashes of lightning split the sky in two, and they were so bright that at some points they lit up our whole room. everyting was very intense, and maybe at other times i'd be a little scared, but now i really just wanted to give myself over to the storm, to really be with it, and i think that to some extent i was able to do that, because there was no fear, and no sensation other than this awsome power unleashing itself.

i must've been pretty involved in my experience, because i thought that i'd been up for maybe half an hour, yet when i looked at the clock i realized it had been over 2 hrs.

as the storm passed our house and moved away, things got quiter outside, and i could feel myself drift into sleep. i felt relaxed and peaceful, and on some level empty. even though i was not able to fully be with the storm, this is the first time i focused all my intent on doing that, and it was an amazing experience. i'm very much looking forward to the next one!

peace

a passage

i want to share this passage from e. pagel's 'beyond belief: the secret gospel of thomas':

"thus, in the Round Dance of the Cross, Jesus says that he suffers in order to reveal the nature of human suffering, and to teach the paradox that the Buddha also taught: that those who become aware of suffering simultaneously find release from it.
...
yet, he also tells them to join in the cosmic dance: 'whoever dances belongs to the whole. whoever does not dance does not know what happens."

so keep on dancing...

flowers in the rain

we had a lot of rain last week, mainly on thursday and friday. on friday, i walked over to shandra's garden and took these pictures. too bad they can't convey the lovely smell of these amazing flowers...

peace

back home

it feels so good to be back home! not that i didn't enjoy montreal. i had a really good time walking downtown by myself, and it was also really nice being with my parents, catching up, and seeing them interact with sena and aiyana.

still, when i pulled into our driveway, i saw the trees i love, and heard the birds singing and i felt like i was coming back to myself.

over the past few months, i've been experiencing vague discomfort every time i'm away from the peace and silence of the trees around my house. at first, i didn't know what it was, i just felt that no matter what i did, especially when i had time to myself, nothing made me feel good, nothing except for sitting outside my house and just being there. whether i went to the cafe, to the library, or wherever, i always found myself drawn back to that spot. at one point, i even thought that maybe i was getting a phobia of leaving the house. but i don't think that's it. the best way i can explain it to myself, is that over time, i've developped a special relationship with the trees and animals around my house; this relationship deepened as i sat silently, in my free time, and paid attention, not to my thoughts, my books, or anything else, but to my surroundings. i allowed myself to relax into the peace and quiet of trees swaying in the wind and birds chirping; and without any effort on my part, these beings touched me and i feel, on some level, became part of me; or me of them. now, if i'm away from them for a long time, i get this vague feeling of unrest...

i wasn't able to recognize this until i got back from montreal. when we pulled in the driveway, i was so happy to get out of the car and just be outside...

as soon as i got back, i walked over the ed's garden, and was amazed by all the growth that took place in our absence. i picked some lettuces (ed planted 6 kinds, and they all did really well), threw in some roasted sunflower and sesame seeds, feta cheese, boiled egg, and some of my own dressing (garlic, olive oil, and baslamic vinegar), and had a huge bowl of salad all to myself. the kids, unfortunately, are not too interested in salad... i was making all kinds of sounds of appreciation as i ate, moaning and saying to myself out loud how this is the best salad i've ever had, and sena and aiyana just sat there eating their (boring) pasta, looking at me with great interest, giggling every once in a while. i ate to my heart's content, and put some salad away for ed, who was flying back from japan that same night.

did i already say how amazing it feels to eat food out of our own garden? i guess i can't say it enough! besides lettuce, i've been picking lots of kale, spinach and cilantro, which i cooked in soups and stews and shared them with friends and neighbors. sena, aiyana and julia have been helping me, and and sometimes as we pick they'll start singing this song we know: "thank you mother earth, thank you sister water...".

so that's what we've been up to,
peace

reading mamaia's journal

i've been reading mamaia's journal over the past two days. it's been nice to be able to do this in peace, all thanks to my mom who took the kids for a walk every morning since we've been here, allowing me this precious time to myself.

i don't think mamaia would've minded us reading her journal. when my sister and i visited her in 2002, she actually read us part of it, and seemed to enjoy sharing it.

it's hard for me to write about it, although i do want to.
her entries are very similar from day to day, and they revolve around the same few subjects: what she bought at the market that day (she walked to the market near her house almost daily - it's probably what kept her alive for so long); how her flowers are doing (she describes her delight with the blooming of each new flower); how lonely she feels; how hard it is to be old and alone in a (mostly) uncaring world; how nothing she worked for, not the money she gathered, not the efforts she made to build a certain life, made any difference in the end; whether she heard from us (she recorded each time we called and it seemed to make her happy for days; when we didn't call, she'd worry and wait).

but the two main themes i gather in her journal so far are loneliness and god. i can taste her loneliness as i read her writing, and i wonder how she was able to bare it. it scares me to imagine myself in that position, and i try not to let it get me down. from that vantage point, it seems natural and necessary that she puts all her hope in god. it's only in god that she finds protection and companionship. she speaks to him sometimes directly, asking for protection for herself and others. sometimes she just asks questions with no answer such as 'what is this life for?'.

her journal is so raw and honest, that it's hard to read. it's hard to see anyone's naked soul without trying to fix it, give advice, or do anything other than hold it.
but there's another dimension of her journal which i find uplifting almost, and i feel very grateful for it. although not explicitly or intentionally, i feel that in some way her journal provides essential guidance for my life. she is so clear about what matters and what doesn't when you've reached her age, that i can easily see myself in her shoes; and, based on this insight, and, being as young as i am now, i feel that i can make wiser choices.

when i read her journal, part of me feels sad, and part of me feels elated. elated in the certain knowledge that the only things that matter, and the only things i want to do with my life is to love and to give. my children come to mind first when i feel this, especially now when they're so young and needy; but this is a general feeling, not limited to them only.
the other thing that mamaia's journal makes me realize is that the only thing that is truly lasting is my relationship with my inner self, with god and the earth, which to me are all the same.

now when i compare these insights with my life as it is, i'm happy to realize that they're quite aligned. i spend most of my time and energy on loving and nurturing my family and friends, and i am at the same time plunging deeper into developing an intimate relationship with nature, with the unknown and the unseen.

so i feel that overall, mamaia's journal is a precious gift to me, although one not easy to hold.

peace

having a good time in montreal

here we are in montreal, having a good time, enjoying the sun in my parents' back yard;
bouncing on the ball;
sena, learning to sow, aiyana perfecting the art of nose-picking;
showing their new caps from buca;

aiyana preparing for a tea party;
and enjoying my mother's plants.


peace

older pics from my mom

i found these pictures on my parents' computer, taken by my mom:

this one is at the cafe near our house, in april:
and here, you can see sena with her best friend giovanna, at the park, as well as aiyana with another little girl, fatima:
here is sena at my parents' house in montreal, in march, learning how to knit...
and aiyana and i playing patty cakes:
and sena and aiyana being crazy at the table:
in these ones, ed and i were playing ball with the kids last august, and we look pretty silly, but i think it's funny:

feeling really bad about this

we were driving to montreal today, and stopped at a rest stop in vermont. we sat at a picnic table in a wooded area with a little path going through it. even though we were on the side of a major highway (91), the woods made the atmosphere feel nice and peaceful. sena and aiyana ran back and forth on a small path, and i watched them from the picnic table. at one point, some men came in two trucks, and started working in the woods. they were far enough from us that i couldn't see what they were doing.

eventually, it was time to head back to the car and continue our drive. sena ran one more time on the path, and then she came to me, very upset, saying 'mama, those men are cutting down a tree, you have to go and tell them to stop'. i didn't know what to say. we just walked to the car and got in. she was still upset, and told me i had to go and talk to them. i had no good response. i chickened out. i wasn't gutsy enough to go and ask them why they're cutting the tree, although in retrospect, i think this is what i should've done. i think sena's concern was valid, and actually, for her it was more than concern, she was personally affected. i mumbled something to her, like they probably have a good reason for cutting it, maybe the tree is too old.... something lame like that.

the truth is that i felt exactly like she did, i felt sad hearing the chainsaw cut through the tree, and felt even sadder when i heard the final thud. maybe there was a good reason why that tree had to be taken down, but the point is that i was too afraid to even go talk to those men. what made me feel the worst though is that i am setting a really bad example for sena and aiyana, by not addressing something that is important to all of us....

well, i hope that this made me feel bad enough that next time i could muster up the courage to politely walk up to those men and talk to them....

rainbows and gardening

this week, the weather's been very unstable. on wednesday and thursday, for example, it rained, then it was sunny, then it rained again, 4 or 5 times each day. with all the rain and sunshine, i knew that we'd get a rainbow, and on thursday evening, i was delighted when i finally saw it. it had rained hard for half hour or so, and just before it stopped the sun came out. when i looked out the kitchen window, i saw a beautiful bright rainbow. i dropped the dishes, called ed and the kids, and we all ran out of the house, across the driveway, across the field, trying to catch the best view of it. i took some pictures but they don't do justice to the scene...i'll post them anyway.




i'm also posting a picture of sena and aiyana hugging each other. aiyana had just woken up from her nap, and sena was giving her hugs and kisses. aiyana was very affectionate in return, and when i commented on how sweet they looked, she said 'take a picture'. so here it is (you can also see what i'm currently reading, as my book happened to be right next tot hem on the bed):


other than that, our main occupation this week has been gardening. i love it. sena and aiyana love it. we've been buying plants, and i let sena and aiyana pick the flowers that appealed to them the most; i picked some too, and we've all been excited to do this and then come back home to plant them in the ground. i think it's been a pretty good learning experience too; the kids learned the difference between annuals and perennials (which is, more or less, the extent of my knowledge of plants), and they got to see all kind of little grubs as we overturned the soil.

we also planted some flowers from seeds, but these require lots of patience. we sowed the seeds a couple of weeks ago, and since then we've been watching them grow into minuscule shoots, and recently into tiny stems and leaves. still a long way to go before we get any flowers though...but we have all summer.

sena and aiyana also have one indoor plant each, which they got a couple of months ago. sena has a geranium, and aiyana a begonia. they're very loving with them, too loving in aiyana's case, where she grabs the stem and yanks it towards her to kiss the tiny flowers....but so far, both plants are doing well, and maybe it's because they get so much love and attention....we try to water them regularly, but it's hard to be consistent with the kids - sometimes they drown them, and other times they forget. and let's be honest, i'm not known for consistency either...

but i love gardening, i love working with the earth, digging, getting my hands dirty, seeing what comes up. i don't really know what i'm doing yet, but i feel that i'm learning. i've attempted to have a garden for the past 2 years, but things didn't look too good for various reasons. it wasn't always my fault. last year, for example, the groundhog (which was later relocated) chewed on most of my flowers. then, when he was gone, our chickens decided to take dust baths in the nice overturned dirt of my garden, so they dug and pecked and squirmed around, and in the process damaged most of the remaining plants. this year, the groundhog is gone, and there's no sign of a new one. we still have chickens, and they already started digging, but ed put up chicken wire and that should keep them out for a while. it kind of changes the look, but whatever...

so with all this planting and gardening, i found myself yet again in awe of Nature. here i go again...but, each flower seems so perfect and special. i can't help but be drawn into the mystery of the dance that manifests itself through these flowers... i also realized that no matter how hard i work on my garden, how much i learn and apply myself to it, ultimate beauty and harmony is in leaving things undisturbed. can i ever create anything as beautiful and harmonious as a field of wildflowers? probably not, but in the meantime, i feel like i want to be part of spring and summer not just by observing, but by doing something, and hence my little patch of earth where i experiment...

peace

a beautiful opening

this is the opening to D. Jensen's book, "A Language Older Than Words". i wrote about this book before, but i meant to also include the opening passage, which i really love. here it is - enjoy:

"There is a language older by far and deeper than words. It is the language of bodies, of body on body, wind on snow, rain on trees, wave on stone. It is the
language of dream, gesture, symbol, memory. We have forgotten this language. We do not even remember that it exists."

3 questions:

who are you?
where do you come from?
where are you going?

i love reflecting on these 'border patrol questions' (elaine pagels' terminology). as of yet, i have only the vaguest of answers. but i love the glimpses they afford, and how i feel when i seek for an answer. and it comforts me that jesus advised 'seek and you shall find'.




peace

god revealed, and other things

i don't know what god is, but i know that i felt his presence in these flowers and their intoxicating scent this morning. i felt transported, if only for a few instants, to a place of bliss. i felt inspired and uplifted by this presence.

i still have a hard time with the name 'god'. with the label. it's such a loaded term. some people see the word 'god' and form an immediate mental construct of what i mean. i would not want to convey the wrong idea; i don't even really know what i mean by god. for me, it's part mental construct, based on what i've read and thought about, and part intimate personal experience. i could refer to it as so many other things, but i don't know of any one word that captures my meaning and experience of god accurately. so i fall back on the one term that everyone recognizes, and try to explain myself as best as i can.

the other day i came across a term for god that i really liked: "the shadow of the turning". i love this. it's so beautiful and vague and hard to get a grasp on. supposedly, this is a gnostic term, but i came across it in 'eat, pray, love'. another gnostic reference to god, which i love is 'thunder, perfect mind'. it makes me shiver just to speak it.

and since i'm mentioning gnostic stuff, i thought i'd say that i'm now reading another great book by elaine pagels (the historian of religion who wrote 'the gnostic gospels'). this one is called 'the gospel of thomas' and it's blowing me away so far.

i have to admit that i've never been drawn to christianity before, mainly because of the church. i felt drawn to jesus, based on the stuff i heard about him; i thought that he'd be someone i'd really like to know and hang out with. but the standard christian stuff i heard from most church-going people, i didn't think too much about.

i never read the bible, and the few times that i went to church, i felt mostly drawn to the silence and peace i found there. not so drawn to the religious culture, and the teachings themselves (or maybe it was the people delivering them) seemed to me too rigid, and not very spiritual. i guess i never felt god in church the way i felt god in the flowers this morning.

but anyway, reading elaine pagels gives me a totally different perspective on christianity. i love reading about the history of this movement, but most of all, i love her discussion and interpretation of the (gnostic) gospels. this stuff, i feel much more drawn to. it speaks to my personal experience, and i can relate to it on a deep level. some of the passages she quotes from the gospels are so powerful and beautiful, that to me, it doesn't even matter who said them and when. why argue over trivial stuff like that when you're given something that is imbued with truth and beauty? (elaine pagels would say that the main reason you'd argue over who said what and what did they mean has to do with control).

anyway,

peace

sena and aiyana's garden

we went to a greenhouse on tuesday, and sena and aiyana each got to buy one plant. when we got back home, they picked a small patch of earth, asked ed to overturn it, and planted their flowers. they've been very careful to water and take care of them ever since...