the storm

last tuesday it was crazy hot, so that i felt exhausted and could barely move. i didn't leave the house all day, but the kids played outside in the wading pool and i managed to do some work anyway.

the best part of the day for me, came at night, after everyone had gone to sleep. i was about to fall asleep too, but white flashes in the sky kept drawing my attention. it was lightning, far away. the night was heavy with heat, but i could feel changes happening in the silence and stillness. at first it was just the flashes, but then the wind started to pick up just a bit, and at one point i could smell the rain. i got out of bed and went to the bathroom. i'm still afraid of dark, but i'm trying to get over it, so i decided not to turn on any lights. i stood in the bathroom looking outside, and just when i was about to decide that there's nothing to see and go back to bed, a firefly flew right in front of the window. the first one i've seen this year! it flew slowly in front of me, doing what looked like a lazy dance; i stared at it for a while, smiling and thanking it for coming, and then i saw another one in the woods; this made me very happy.

i eventually went back to bed, but by now i was wide awake. i decided that i was going to focus all my attention on the approaching storm. i could hear the growing thunder, and the wind had picked up considerably. despite my decision, i found it hard to focus, to really pay attention. as always, my mind kept wondering off in different directions. but i didn't let this bother me - instead i tried to catch myself and come back to the storm before drifting too much.

before long, the wind got really intense - i could hear branches cracking outside, and things in the yard being tossed around. the bathroom door kept slamming open and shut and i was amazed (and grateful) that i was the only one awake. thunder cracked and seemed to match the wind in intensity. i could see flashes of lightning split the sky in two, and they were so bright that at some points they lit up our whole room. everyting was very intense, and maybe at other times i'd be a little scared, but now i really just wanted to give myself over to the storm, to really be with it, and i think that to some extent i was able to do that, because there was no fear, and no sensation other than this awsome power unleashing itself.

i must've been pretty involved in my experience, because i thought that i'd been up for maybe half an hour, yet when i looked at the clock i realized it had been over 2 hrs.

as the storm passed our house and moved away, things got quiter outside, and i could feel myself drift into sleep. i felt relaxed and peaceful, and on some level empty. even though i was not able to fully be with the storm, this is the first time i focused all my intent on doing that, and it was an amazing experience. i'm very much looking forward to the next one!

peace