hard time

oh my god, i'm having such a hard time this week! i can't pull myself out of it. on some level i don't even want to, i just want to go through it and figure it out, but it's so hard with everything going on, and all the responsibilities i have. i feel so impatient and irritable around the kids, and they, especially sena, have been pushing me to the limit in the past couple of days. i don't know if she's picking up on my discomfort, or if she's dealing with her own stuff, probably both, but she's been so demanding and dispespecful...

anyway, there's been a lot more than just the kids though. i feel so sad. part of my sadness i can see clearly and part i cannot. last sunday, we went to rhode island to visit ed's family, and it really hit me how alienated i am from mainstream society. my lifestyle and interests are so different from most people, that i find it hard to connect except on a most superficial level, which i'm not interested in. so that's part of my sadness for sure, but there's more to it, and i'm not sure just what that is...

i've had some nice moments too in the past few days, one was on monday when the girls and i went strawberry picking. it was misting lightly, and the sky was overcast, and i thought it would be perfect for picking since most people come when it's sunny. we were the only ones in the field, and picked 6 lbs in half an hour. sena and aiyana both did really well, they were respectful with the plants, not pulling too hard or stepping over them, and they picked quite a bit.
on monday night we had another beautiful, powerful storm, but since everyone was awake at the time, my experience was different from last time. i enjoyed it nevertheless.
today, it's been up and down. i did some weeding in the garden, which made me feel good. but i also had a couple of outbursts with sena and now i feel depleted. i hope my mom can take them for a while so i can get some time alone. i really need it...

peace