Scary or comforting?

The scariest

Or perhaps the most comforting realization

Is that

Life Will Go On

Without us.

It's all in how we define ourselves

Where do I end

And where does everything else begin?

Empty of a separate self,

I am

The secret

The secret of happiness

Is to learn to enjoy

The ordinary

-rm

Rather than waiting for far off things to bring what we think will make us happy, practicing awareness of each moment can transform our perception of the ordinary into sincere appreciation and joy.

The practice

Upon this shaky ground

Of being

I step uncertainly;

In search of solid footing

I find there's no such thing.

The only path that rises up before me:

The practice

Of letting go

Of everything I ever thought I was

Of holding only love

Through every ordinary moment

Peace

A little update

Hi everyone,

It's a beautiful day and I wanted to give you a little update where I'm at.

First, to put what's been going on over the past 3 weeks (which feel more like 3 months) in perspective, I'm just going to start by saying that gallbladder problems are huge in my family. Both my grandfathers died from gallbladder. My mom and aunt had theirs removed uneventfully.

So, back to my situation, as you may be able to see from the picture, I am now up and about and feeling pretty good, everyday a little bit stronger. My blood work is looking better too. My liver numbers are almost back to normal, from previously elevated values, which were due to my bile duct being blocked. When my bile duct was blocked, I also turned yellow, which was pretty scary. But now it's all looking much better.

The other problem I had, is that I bled after my first surgery, which made my red blood cell numbers drop below the normal. This gave me anemia, which made me feel really weak and tired. Those numbers are also looking better, although they are not back to normal yet. They take a while. I'm still feeling somewhat dizzy, although honestly I'm not sure how much of that is related to the heat.

In general, everyday I feel a little bit better and stronger. I go for several walks every day, and I rest a lot too. I do a little bit of cooking, but not much. Other than that, I also started preparing for my next school year, which is pretty exciting.

I feel like this illness has in some ways been a godsend. It's been very scary, no doubt, but at the same time I feel that it has allowed me to clear my mind and refocus my life in a way like nothing else could. Sometimes I think that when they cleaned out my gallbladder, they also cleaned out my mental state along with it :)

I still have one more surgery to go through, which is coming up mid july, assuming that I continue to recover well by then. This one will be similar to my first surgery, where they cleaned out my bile duct (my second surgery was to take out my gallbladder). At this third surgery, they need to go in and remove a stent which they put in to keep my bile duct open. Hopefully, this will be uneventful.

I still think daily about the people I met and saw in the hospital, both the people who were ill, and the people who work there. There's a lot of suffering, and some people have nobody to bear with them. The hospital staff in general are great, and I am very grateful to them for saving my life,  but as I said before, I think that as humans we need more than professional care, more than they can provide with their busy, understaffed schedules. We need to know that somebody is there with us, somebody cares for us, and somebody is looking out for us on an emotional level. I was lucky because I had that from family and friends, but some people don't.

When I went in for my gallbladder removal surgery, I was pretty scared. I had a team of doctors and nurses who were going to be working on me, and at one point just before I was about to go in, I said to one nurse "I have a weird request, can you please hold my hand as you're giving me the anesthetic?". She was so nice, and she said it was not weird at all, and from that point on she continually called me sunshine and honey bunches and all kind of endearments like that, which at the time did not sound corny at all but rather gave me comfort. 

So I do think about all those people who are out there alone, scared and suffering, and I meditate on sending them my best possible wishes and love, and prayers. If by any chance, you are looking for some kind of volunteer activity and you have free time that you would like to dedicate to others, I really think that going in and simply sitting with somebody who is suffering and has nobody else to be with them is a huge gift and one of the best things you can do. I will definitely keep that in mind as I continue to recover and move through my life.

So, to sum it up, I am feeling good and positive, though also a bit emotionally scarred from what happened (but I'll get over it), and also grateful.

I will make it my practice to never ever take things for granted again, things such as my health and basically everything around me, my daily life, and every mundane thing.

Sending my best to all of you ❤️

Peace

Big love

Thank you so much, everyone!!! I truly appreciate your thoughts, prayers and good wishes. Since last time I wrote, I had another gallbladder attack and had to go back to the hospital. They took out my gallbladder, and the surgery went well. I am now home recovering, with great support from my family. They are amazing and do everything for me, from putting on my clothes, massaging me and going out for small walks with me. I am so lucky and grateful to have them.

This was a tough way to get me back to appreciate what's truly important and to get me out of my head. I've seen a lot of suffering in the hospital and I've also seen a lot of great people trying to help in whichever way they can. I'm convinced now that this is our purpose and calling, to help each other and the world in any way we can, through acts small and large, throughout our daily lives. I'm sorry that I made my life so complicated with all the thinking before, when in reality it really is very simple: taking care of ourselves and others so we can be present and appreciate our lives. There's nothing to seek for. It's already all here.

 I've also learned not to take anything for granted. I've never looked at the world the way I did after getting out from the hospital. The smallest flower and insect seems a delight and a miracle. It's a tough way to get to appreciate your life through such an experience, but I guess we all receive what we need. Thank you so much again. I appreciate every one of you. Big love, health and help to all of you ❤️

 Peace

The only things

Love and

The present moment:

The only things we'll ever have

-rm

......

Everything that we have been given will be taken away. Our possessions, our titles, our accomplishments, and even our bodies. The only thing we really have is the present moment and the love we give. Because true love extends and connects us beyond ourselves in a way nothing else can. In each moment we are capable of love. This is not the kind of love that is solely concerned with satisfying one's needs. This is a more fundamental love that affirms our unity and interdependence. 

......

These are some thoughts I've had lately after my scary experience in the hospital. I feel like my mind has been cleared through this experience.

In a physical sense too, I am doing better, healing and recovering. Now I need to get in the best shape possible before my next surgery in July.

Peace

Greatest practice and achievement

To go about our daily lives

Without resentment,

With appreciation and openness

With patience and always remembering

Fundamental goodness

Is the greatest practice and achievement of our lifetime

Pray

Every day since I got out of the hospital, I've been thinking about the people I met there. Honestly, it was traumatic and sobering to be there. So many people suffering and alone. I was very lucky that I had Ed and my sister, who came and stayed with me as much as they were allowed to, and who fought for me when I did not have the strength to. I trusted them and I knew that they were there for me 100%.  I was never alone, and still, I was scared. But some of the people in there were alone, and they didn't have the support I had, and were confused and in pain, and I can only imagine how mush worse they must have felt than I.

One woman who was in the bed next to me was so weak, and in pain, and not feeling like she was getting any answers from the doctors. Her husband was not advocating for her, and her children did not seem involved either. I asked her if she had anyone else she coud turn to, and she said God. So I told her to keep praying, and I told her that I'd pray for her too, because I really think she needed to hear that. I also gave her my number. But I did also pray for her, in my own way, which may not be her way, but I think it's the same intention and the same energy. I also prayed and remember all the rest of the people who are laying in hospitals alone and suffering and scared. 

Don't get me wrong, I am super grateful for the hospital and doctors and all the personnel who were there to assist me and help me get better. The technology is amazing, and what they can do is not to be underestimated. I would have died without their help. I truly believe that they are doing their best for all their patients. But at some point, there's also a need for comfort and a human dimension that they do not provide. The hospital system is a machine, with so many people coming and going, and as you lay there, it is easy to feel alone and scared, unless you have strong support from somewhere else. For some, their only source of support is prayer. So prayer is really important.

I am so lucky that I was able to get back to my life, which now seems so perfect. All I wanted when I was laying in the hospital, not knowing what was happening, is to get back to my life and all its so-called "problems". It's so cliche, and we hear it so much; I've heard it all my life, how we should be grateful for what we have, etc, etc. But I did not really, truly feel the depth of it until this week, when by comparison to what I was going through, and what I was seeing others go through, everything I had been worried about seemed ridiculous. I wrote this in my journal while still in the hospital on Tuesday:

"When I get better from this, I want to remember the important things:

Being healthy. Being here. That's it! Everything else works out somehow.

When you wake up in the morning and you are healthy, and your family is healthy, what else do you need? Just rejoice in that. And go about doing whatever you are doing that day without stress and without resentment. Just going through our daily, mundane life, is the greatest gift."

I pray for all those who are sick and scared and alone, and for all those who are suffering; may they have health and help.

Peace

But

But,

"Did you celebrate?"

- Quote from my hospital bed neighbor who was not fully aware and raved all night, and among other things asked "Did you celebrate?". I am not sure in what context she meant it, but I think that it's a perfect question to keep with us in the context of our everyday lives. Because in the end, each mundane and ordinary day, with all its problems and annoyances, is indeed worthy of celebration.

Peace 

Good to be home!

I spent some time in Hartford Hospital for gall stones, and had to have a surgery. Will have to go back in this week for another procedure.

I am so grateful to my family who lost some sleep because of me, especially Ed!

It's so good to be back home. I am feeling okay but it will take a while to get back to normal.

Just enjoying laying down outside now. I feel like everything around me looks like a miracle. 

Peace 

Poppies, quince and a wall of peas in the garden

Today's little video.

Took some inspiration from my friend Emily today, and got out there in this not-so-pleasant heat to share a few beautiful things with you.

Peace

Graduation essay

I and 4 other 2021 teacher-graduates in my program were asked to write an essay, which we could turn into a speech to deliver on graduation day. (This is referring to the teacher certification program I just completed through ARC: Alternate Route to Certification.)

My speech did not get  selected, which makes sense to me in retrospect, because I think I made it a bit too personal, but this is what came out of me as I wrote it late one night, and I did not want to edit and make it into something else. In any case, I am glad I had the opportunity to write it, because I think it helped me clarify and clear out some things I needed to revisit inside myself. I thought I'd share it with you, so here it is:

~~~

Many of us have asked or been asked the question: “Who is the best teacher you ever had?”. Or, conversely, “Who is the worst teacher you ever had?”.

Well, for me, the answer to both these questions is the same: Mr. O’Brian. A real teacher, whose name I changed to protect his identity.

Mr. O’Brian was my Physics teacher. He was the best teacher I ever had because he kindled in me the love of Physics. I later went on to become an engineer due to that love, and now, here I am, a Physics teacher. Mr. O'Brian’s classes were fun and engaging. He was great at explaining things, making even the driest concepts and equations seem interesting and relevant. His classes had a relaxed yet structured atmosphere. I loved his class.

But Mr. O'Brian was also the worst teacher I ever had. How is that possible? Well, at the time, I was 17 and a newly arrived immigrant. My mastery of the English language was not great. My understanding of cultural norms was barely nascent. Mr. O'Brian would make jokes I did not understand. They were jokes at my expense, making fun of the way I dressed. The rest of class laughed. I laughed too because I did not understand. Only years later did it dawn on me what the jokes really were about. When I realized this, I felt betrayed. Up to that point, Mr. O'Brian had been a sort of hero for me, but when I understood how he had disrespected me in front of class, I felt deeply hurt.

Even so, my love of Physics continued. And I am still grateful to him for that.

I now find myself in the same position that Mr. O'Brian was in when I took his class. I am a Physics teacher. Many of my students are 17, the same age I was when I took Mr. O'Brian’s class.

I strive to make Physics fun for my students; I want to make it engaging; I want them to want to know more; like I did when I was their age; I want them to look around them and marvel at the new ways in which they can understand the world because of physics.

But, even more importantly, I want my students to feel respected, welcomed and cared for. ARC has taught me that if we, as teachers, don’t have a strong connection with students, we don’t have much. Our knowledge, our skills, our experience will not go very far without the fundamental piece that is a strong rapport with the students.

One of the most important things we are asked to reflect on throughout the ARC program is our “why”. Why are we entering this profession? Why do we want to become teachers? I’ve had several versions of my why, which evolved over time. All of these revolved around my desire to make a positive difference in the life of children, but none was satisfactory, until one day, a seemingly banal statement made by my doctor became my why.

That day, I was not feeling well. I went to see my doctor, and we made some small talk about how hard this year of Covid has been for everyone, especially students. At the end of my visit, as I said goodbye and was about to walk out the door, he made a comment, almost like an afterthought. He said “Just do what you can to help”.

As I walked to my car, I realized: that’s it. It all comes down to that. I believe that in one way or another, all of us here, who are entering the teaching profession, fundamentally, just want to do what we can to help.

But sometimes, simply having a good intention is not enough. That’s where ARC comes in. In less than one year, ARC has given us the tools we need to be able to take our good intentions and effectively put them into practice.

This has been a difficult year: from covid, to political turmoil, racial injustice, and a host of other problems. We have had to conduct the entire ARC program remotely, and our Practicums were done in a format never done before. Yet, despite these challenges, we’ve learned so much from our teachers and fellow students. In these short nine months, we have laid the foundations for the rest of our careers, and we have built relationships with each other that are sure to last, despite the remote environment.

In the end, whether here at ARC, or in our own classrooms, it all comes down to relationships. My methods teachers, Sherry and Kathy, told us that one teacher can make a student; but, one teacher can also break a student. That’s how powerful teachers are.

I wish Mr. O'Brian knew that.

But, in reflecting on all of this experience, I feel so grateful to ARC for giving all of us the tools we need to be the kind of teachers that make a student. Equipped with our passion, and these tools, we are ready to go out and make a difference.

Accepted Hartford's offer

I am happy to say that I've accepted the offer from Hartford Public Schools!

Starting next August, I will be working as a Physics teacher at the Sport and Medical Sciences Academy in Hartford. I'll be teaching 2 college level physics courses as well as high school physical science.

I'm quite excited about it 🙂

In the end we do go back to what we love.

Sena and Aiyana

 Photo credits to Nick Barta.

Peace

A little spot by my house

Just wanted to share this beautiful little spot with you. I stopped by for a few minutes after school today. It's one of the few things that brings me peace and a child-like joy, when my mind is pulling me in a hundred directions.

I am so grateful to all the people who take care of these wild places, and keep them clean, healthy and beautiful.

Peace

 

Let him out! See what happens.

 Bukowski: Bluebird.

Sanity or insanity?

"Society is invincible to a certain degree. But your real life is your own, and nothing can touch it.
...
Nothing can stop you retreating into splendor and beauty - into the thoughts and beliefs that make the real life - the real you".

(From "Where angels fear to tread", by Forster).

Sharing my favorite spot out in the orchard

A 2 minute video for my mom and dad and anyone else who needs a little bit of natural beauty.

Fundamental laws

But somehow, after all this time,

The only comfort I could find,

The only certainty,

Is in uncertainty

Peace

A little video from this morning to brighten up your day

 Here is the link. Enjoy this beautiful day.

Peace

Forbes has just published an article on the Truman scholars, of which Sena is one

 https://www.forbes.com/sites/michaeltnietzel/2021/04/16/the-2021-class-of-truman-fellows-is-announced/?sh=4ff235df12df

Beautiful day with my girls in West Hartford yesterday

So many good cafes and restaurants!!!

AMAZING News!!!

Sena won the prestigious Truman Scholarship! This is an amazing achievement.

She is one of only 62 people to win it across the US, and she competed against 845 other highly qualified nominees from universities across the country. Each University nominates a few highly qualified candidates for the scholarship. Sena was one out of only two people to win from CT.

Truman scholars are selected for excellence in academic achievement, leadership and public service.

Read more about it in this UConn press release and this release from the Harry S. Truman Scholarship Foundation.

We are all so thrilled and so proud of Sena!!!!

Peace

Happy Easter!

 Yesterday, the girls and I painted 3 more Easter eggs. The rest, we did in previous years. I really love doing this with them! We will be celebrating Easter again in May, for the Orthodox Easter, which is what we used to celebrate in Romania. We will be cooking some Romanian meals, and just having a nice time together.

I hope you had a nice day too.

Peace

Almost there

My Practicum, which was the practical part of my teaching certification, is officially done! It was pretty stressful, as there was a lot observation and evaluation going on, but I did well and learnt a lot from it. Sena and Aiyana made me this sweet card to celebrate.

Now, I'm on track to officially receive my teaching certificate in June.

Also, I have 2 job offers currently, and have to decide which one to select.

Peace

Asynchrony

You gave him your rarest flowers

But he was too wrapped up in his own pain to notice

And now I see you

Dreaming in your garden

A thousand birds and butterflies surround you 

Peace

Happy spring!

That moment, first thing in the morning,

Before the fears and worries arise,

Before the tangle of your thoughts takes over;

That moment when your heart feels

Simply glad

To greet the sunrise of a brand new day,

A brand new spring,

That's where your treasure lies

Peace

The opening

 

Love is not a door

That you can close or open
It is not a castle 

Or a fortress
To protect yourself in
Love is a ruin
Worn down by rain and hail
A wreck from which you see
The whole damn sky

-rm

(Image source: Pixabay)

Now or never

 Metric

I am having such a nice day!

My birthday present from Ed and the girls was this beautiful table with lemon design cushions. I am loving so much how cheerful it looks and I know that I will love it even more when my porch is covered in flowers as it is every year, and I can sit there reading and writing poetry.

The girls and I had a little trip to a nice cafe, where we got some drinks and treats (which we enjoyed in the car, per covid protocol), then we went to an Albanian store in Rocky Hill, that has a lot of great Romanian foods as well as other foods from eastern Europe, Greece, Turkey and that area of the world. Here are my beautiful girls just before we left the house, and I don't mean beautiful in just a superficial way, I mean it as far as who they really are. I really love hanging out with them, eating, talking, telling them stories from my life, some of them funny, some sad, and so on.

And here is a little post from Sena's instagram story this morning, that made me feel so good. You know when someone compliments you on things that actually mean a lot to you, and you feel seen and recognized? That's how I felt reading her post. The picture was taken just about a year ago, pre covid, when Sena, Aiyana and I hung out in New Haven at the Atticus book store cafe, which is a great place.

This evening, we are having Indian food for my birthday, and then we will have a zoom call with my parents and my sister and her family. It's a great day!

Peace

Holding on to this music in these times of stress

 "Something brought you back

To the kid that you were
For a couple days
Everything you lacked
You possessed
It was yours"

- "Risk" from the amazing Canadian band Metric

Yeah, things have been very stressful, but also exciting. I am now teaching 4 Physics classes, and also going through my Practicum evaluation for my teaching certificate. That means I am constantly evaluated with people observing my classes and grading me on all kinds of standards and criteria. I'm doing well with it, but it's a lot. Fortunately, it should all be over by May, and I should have my official teaching certificate at that point.

Hopefully once the stress is gone I'll be left with just the thrill of teaching Physics. Speaking of the thrill, just this past week, I was very excited to incorporate a little bit from my favorite physicist, Richard Feynman's famous Caltech lectures in my AP Physics class. We did a part on conservation of energy. Also another part that was exciting this week was that I found out that next year I will be teaching a college level class to the students in the school I'm at right now, so that should be fun as well.

Anyway, back to Metric, this music has been providing some respite from the stress. I hope you enjoy it.

Peace

Hey, look who's sitting in our field! Plus a podcast featuring Sena

Who's that guy?

Bernie!!! We love all the Bernie memes that have come out since the inauguration, so we thought we'd put him in our field. He fits right in, don't you think?

And here's a recent podcast featuring Sena: The young curious capitalist

Peace

Happy Birthday to my Mom!!!

 Happy Birthday to my wonderful mom who did everything for us and still is! I hope she enjoys her day and look forward to seeing her and my dad on Zoom tonight!

Peace

Welcoming 2021 in openness!

Welcome 2021 and thank you 2020 for your tough lessons. Going into 2021 with open mind and open heart. Show me!

Look at my beautiful Hibi, how it opened today, almost as if it were telling us to trust and welcome whatever comes!

I wish you peace, health and beauty in the new year and beyond!

Christmas family photo, 2020 style

Sadly, due to Covid, this year we were unable to go see my parents in Canada for the holidays... But thank goodness for Zoom.

Merry Christmas, peace and joy!

 Merry Christmas, peace and health to you!

Peace

Happy 17th Birthday to our wonderful Sena!!!

How can I describe Sena?  Environmental and social justice activist; junior in college; second degree black belt; these flat words don't even come close to encompassing the beautiful, caring, complex person she is.

May all her days be as bright and beautiful as she is.

Happy Birthday Sena!

That time

 

A wounded bird takes flight

My heart 

That time under the Christmas tree 

When I believed 

-rm

All we have within us. Or. Disturbance in the field of being.

 

There is no question that you will create a

Disturbance
The only question is
What kind of disturbance
Will that be

-rm

(Picture is of a mural I love at my school)

Peace

A field of birds

A ray lights up the dark

A field of birds take flight

A burst of joy

Renewed belief 

I am

-rm

(Image: Pixabay)

Lucy's note!!!

 I love this note so much. My little niece, Lucy, who is 7-years-old, sent it to me yesterday.

Peace

Moved to reflect on this

I've been moved to ask and reflect on this question below, by my recent experience getting certified as a teacher.

Some of us may never have had anyone who truly saw us; some of us may have had several people.

But regardless, WE can be someone who sees others and allows them to bring out and contribute their best. WE can give that to ourselves and to each other. 

For those of us who feel that we have no reason to be, what other reason do we need?

Peace

Once upon a time in Romania

 A picture of a picture that my mom sent me. I was 6. The shirt and skirt are traditional dress from Arges county. 

I feel like I've lived so many lives.

Peace

The fragility of hope

Not holding on

Nor letting go

I am in love

With the fragility

Of hope

-rm

Happy Thanksgiving!

What are you grateful for?

It's been a tough year for many people. Still, I have a lot of things to be grateful for, including the obvious: that we are healthy and we have what we need, and that we have hope again after Biden was elected.

Two other things I wanted to mention:

I'm grateful that I was able to transition into yet another field of work in my life, and that I am getting to teach a subject I love.

And I'm grateful that my mom is healthier and found a way to help herself through diet and exercise. She lost over 10kg (22lbs)! And is feeling better with her depression, her energy level, her blood sugar and everything. She has inspired me and all of us - after all these years of doctors and trying everything, she found something that works for her and is motivated to stick with it!

I really do have a lot more that I'm grateful for, but it all boils down to just being here to experience whatever life brings, and to be able to share it with others.

Peace and Happy Thanksgiving!

What really saves us

What really saves us is this:

the fact

that at any point in our lives,

despite what came before,

despite where we are now,

despite the randomness and unfairness of life,

we can choose to do good.

Peace

Aiyana's Amazing Creative Outpouring

Aiyana has been in a major creative phase over the past few months. I think that being home due to Covid has allowed her to express herself in a way that she wasn't able to before.

She has been crocheing and opened her own etsy shop. She made me a sweater that I wore at school, and got compliments on, and when I said that my daughter made it, people could not believe it.

She has been cooking for us (and basically took over from me cooking now that I am so busy and involved with my school work), making delicious things like pizza from scratch, stuffed peppers, Romanian meat balls (chiftele), butternut squash soup, etc.

And she has been drawing. Here is some of her work:

Peace

1 minute video of Sena speaking about our farm

Sena was interviewed about our farm and growing local food a couple of weeks ago. Here's a 1 minute video of her which will become part of a larger video about farms and local food production.

https://youtu.be/mAsB1K19tmU

Before taking this teaching job, I was afraid of several things:

I was afraid that I would be thrown in without any support; I was afraid that I would be expected to provide all of my teaching materials and curriculum; I was afraid that I would be overwhelmed; and so on.

All of those fears came true. But there was one more fear: that I wouldn't be able to do it. That fear did not come true. I am doing it, and although my hands were shaking for weeks on end from being so hyped up, and although my stomach has also been kind of messed up for weeks, from being so stressed, things are calming down a bit, and I can honestly say that I love it. 

I still cannot believe that I'm teaching physics. I've always loved physics, but I never thought that one day I'd be teaching it, but somehow here I am, doing it, stumbling through it, and despite the stress, realizing in the quiet moments that I'm loving it. And I'm loving the kids in my class and my interaction with them. I want to do right by them and be a great teacher to them.

I also love the cultural diversity of my school. I had conversations with parents 100% in Spanish, and that is really fun, and it gets me to sharpen my Spanish skills.

Peace 

Light and Healing

There will be no closure to these wounds

They will continue to pour light and healing 

-rm

Wounds can become a source of bitterness and regret. They can perpetuate further hurt and misunderstanding. Or, they can become a source of compassion and understanding, softening us to the world and to our own place in it, thus generating an outpouring of healing light.

(Picture is in Mystic, CT, last Friday.)

I initially wrote this little poem for myself, on a personal level; but then I realized that it may also be quite applicable politically, to all of us as a people, at this moment in time.

Peace

HE WON!!!!

OMG! 😻😻😻😻😻

Feeling sick about it

Feeling sick about this election, even though it's not over yet. How can it be so close? After four years of proof. How can so many people still vote for him?

The only thing that I can think of to comfort myself right now, is that I know many, many other people out there are feeling just like I am right now, and we must be there for each other.

Hang in there...

Peace