another weekend at the beach

we went to the beach on sunday; ed and i came back monday afternoon, and the kids stayed until today. sena and aiyana love being there; they do so many things, and grandma and grandpa give them undivided attention, so it's a lot of fun for them.

this weekend, they rode their bikes in front of grandma's house


went for a ride in the canoe with ed, and later with grandpa


checked out the birds landing in the water through the spotting scope


i had fun too, seeing the kids enjoy themselves so much, and also spending a few quiet moments on the beach at sunset on sunday


i was watching this guy fish; he didn't catch anything while we were there, but i hope he enjoyed the beautiful surroundings as much as i did...


other than that, i've been a little emotional, prone to crying for no apparent reason, i guess just easily touched by things. coming home from the beach last night felt really good; our place is so peaceful and the weather's been so nice; it felt good to be able to give myself permission to be who i am, cry if i want to, or just sit outside and enjoy the breeze, without anyone asking for my attention...
this morning, i woke up to a woodpecker pecking at the apple tree near my window. then i had coffee outside looking over the field. that was really nice.

doing it

i was talking to my friend jennifer on the phone this morning, telling her about how i feel so drawn to painting, yet i cannot do it. i would love to paint, and i feel a strong connection, and desire to do so, but at the same time, there's a huge block that comes up as soon as i even think of painting. partly, this block has to do with my schooling when i was very young. the only painting experience i have comes from elementary school, where we were mostly discouraged from pursuing anything that might qualify as our own style; out teacher expected us to paint what she showed us, or told us, and she expected it to look a certain way... anyway, that was a long tme ago, and it's pretty much my only experience with painting.
but i have a lot of dreams in which i paint, or see beautiful paintings that other people made. i marvel at them, and then when i wake up i realize that i made them, i created them; yet if i even think of actually trying it out in waking life, i shut down right away. i try too hard and i judge myself way too harshly, and everything ends up a disappointment, so every time i've tried to paint i've just give up. this makes me really sad, but my desire still persists.
so i was telling jennifer about this on the phone, and was almost crying about it. she is very creative and expressive, and very sensitive, and suggested that i need to get out of my head, and just paint my feelings, just as sena told me to do a couple of days ago. she suggested that i try meditating, or listening to music, or whatever may work to make me relax. i followed her advice. i put on peter gabriel's "secret world live", which i've been really connecting with lately. i lit some sage, and almost instantly, i felt myself lighten up, and started to move. i could feel the joy and excitement and i just let myself be. soon enough i pulled out the paints and knew what i wanted to paint right away: i wanted to paint mamaia's death (or life). i had been dancing and going with the music, and at one point i sat down and just started to do it. i was still being a little analytical, but it didn't get in my way too much. mostly things felt good. i painted a mutlicolor background, with lots of red and purple, and an orange/yellow river flowing through it accross the page. mamaia's life is that river. and the background is everything. i felt really good making this simple painting, even though my censor says it's no good. then i started to listen to Lhasa and painted some more.
this was a cool experiment. i'd like to do more. it's so hard to get over that threshold of judgement, fear, self-censorship, or whatever it is that stops me. it's hard to let go. but it's so fun to do it!

painting my feelings

this morning, i was really missing mamaia, and i told sena and aiyana about it. sena got quiet for a moment, and then she said to me: "do you want to paint how you feel about her? maybe that would make you feel better."
i thought that this was an amazing suggestion....

turtles

yesterday, we went to the library, and had a really special, unexpected experience. behind the library, we saw 19 little baby turtles coming out of a hole in the ground. baby snapping turtles, just hatched, and we stood there watching them in awe. i felt like it was such a privilege to witness this, and even the kids were moved by the experience, and were very quiet and respectful. the library maintenance man was there, and he told us that he saw the mother snapping turtle lay her eggs in that spot every year in february. he said that she's big, maybe 2ft in diameter, and when she comes, she digs a hole in the ground, deposits her eggs, and then goes back down to the water, where she came from. on her way to the pond (behind the library), she leaves a scent marking a trail for the babies to follow. i find it amazing that the mother makes the trip from the pond all the way to the library (she has to go through the woods and then across the parking lot), in the winter, then digs the frozen ground, and then leaves her babies there. i also find it quite moving that the babies are on their own from the begining, left to rely purely on their instinct on their treacherous trip back to the pond.

of course, the kids and i really want to read up on snapping turtles now, and make a mini-project out of it. it would be interesting to verify the info the maintenance man gave us, and find out more.

unfortunately, the babies coming out of the hole were going all over the parking lot, trying to follow their mother's trail. one of them got squished soon after he emerged, i don't know how, but probably someone stepped on it. they were so tiny, easy to miss unless you paid attention, and they were everywhere. so the few of us who were there (librarians, maintenance man, our friend dianne, and us),decided to bring them down to the pond and spare them the trip through the parking lot and the woods. i hope this didn't mess them up, we were hesitating quite a bit before deciding to interfere...but we could easily see lots of them getting killed before they had a chance to make it very far.
dianne, the kids and i took them to the pond. we put them down in the mud, on the shore, and it wasn't long before they found their way in the water, and disappeared.

when we got back to the library, there was another little turtle coming out of that same hole, and this time, i took it to the pond all by myself, while the kids and dianne went in the library. i'm glad that i went alone, because i had a really cool experience with this little friend. before i put him down in the water, i held him up in my hand and looked at him. he stretched his little neck and seemed to be looking back straight at me for a moment. even though he was so tiny, his eyes seemed wise and ancient. as we peered at each other, i felt something stir inside of me, and i almost started to cry. then he started to squirm and i took that as a signal that he wants to go. i put him down in the mud and off he went into the water.

i didn't understand my experience right away, but as i thought about it during the day, it kept making me feel weird as if i had been touched by something mysterious. i felt a bond with this little creature and his ancient eyes. when he looked at me, i felt like another soul was looking into me from beyond time.

this morning, the kids and i were looking up turtles in the encyclopedia, and it turns out that their lineage is the most ancient on the evolutionary scale, older than that of the dinosaurs. learning this moved me, and i felt that it confirmed what i saw in those tiny eyes.

unfortunately, i didn't have my camera with me, so i don't have any pictures to share....
but i'm left with this feeling, and that is enough.

little Buddha

my friend Marcia introduced us to this magical spot by the river last sunday.


even feisty Aiyana seemed to be in awe of the powerful presence of this place.

home-schooling

so i guess we made the decision not to send sena to Kindergarden this year (she could've gone this september). this seems to bother a lot of people, which we expected.
so we'll be home-schooling this year, and we all feel good with this decision (i mean the kids, ed and i). next year, we'll re-assess based on how everyone feels.

i'm reading a lot of stuff on education - public education, home education, everything accross the board. also, being involved with Mansfield Advocates for Children (MAC) gives me some important insights into the standards of education kids are expected to meet, at least as defined by the state of Connecticut. i like having this info and making my own decisions about what to adopt and what to modify relative to their guidelines.

i was very nervous about the homeschooling thing for a while. it's like homebirth, you get so much negative feedback, so much criticism, even (or maybe especially) from people who mean well. but, like with homebirth, the more i read, the more i become familiar with the territory, the more at ease i feel. especially with homeschooling, i like the idea of reassessing every year. seeing what works and what doesn't and modifying accordingly. that leaves everything open...

in any case, i feel lucky to have the opportunity to even make this decision; i also have a lot of support among friends who do or do not home-school themselves. i'm grateful for all the support, and also for everyone's concerns, whichever way they may be expressed.

peace

my friend's garden

one of my friends asked me to feed her cat while she's on vacation. so the girls and i went over to her house yesterday, and that actually turned out to be the highlight of our day.

my friend has a beautiful garden; i went over to look at her flowers and her vegetables, and at one point, i heard a faint humming. i realized it was a tiny humming bird, which was drawn to the garden as i was. i must've been really quiet, because the hummingbird didn't seem to mind me very much, and went about looking for nectar from flower to flower. i was able to watch it for quite a while, and i felt happy to do so.

in the meantime, the kids were very busy laughing and playing on my friend's swing, a small distance from the garden. this swing is amazing, and everyone agrees that it's the best. it's hung from a really high branch in a tree - it's probably hanging down 30 ft or so, and as a result it swings out really far and high, and it does so quite slowly. it's a little scary seeing the kids go up so high, but they love it, and they hold on tightly, and they say that they can see above the tree tops. they say it feels like flying.

here are some pictures from my friend's garden:








a couple of butterflies also came by when i was there...


and here is the famous swing:







this buddha was hidden among the pumpkin and lavender in the garden


peace

acomplishments

the topic at our women's circle last night was accomplishments. how do we define achievements or accomplishments for ourselves, and what some examples in our current lives?
it was an interesting discussion, and it made me think a lot. we all knew that one way of defining 'accomplishment' is, for instance, getting a diploma, being in a prestigious position, something involving some sort of external recognition; none of us felt really drawn to defining our accomplishments this way. instead, it turned out that we we felt good about in our lives were smaller things, of a mundane nature, less likely to jump out at anyone else. things that have most significance on a personal level, and don't lend themselves well to comparison and outside judgement.

unfortunately, the words 'achievement' and 'accomplishment' can have negative connotations, by being associated with bragging, or aggrandizing oneself. because of this, many of us were reluctant to recognize anything as such in our lives. but once we were able to get over the negative connotation, we just simply talked about achievemetns as things we felt good about in our lives, things we worked hard at and feel proud about in a quiet, internal kind of way.

here are some examples of what i consider achievements at this time in my life (these are also things i feel grateful for. ):
-my relationship with my children (not my children themselves, because i don't think of them in those terms, but the relationship we built so far)
-being present; so if i'm doing the laundry, for example, and i'm really there with it, as opposed to thinking about a million other things and having my mind wonder all over the place, i feel happy about that;
-being content most of the time, and being able to appreciate the beauty and abundance present in my life.

peace

what have we been up to?

ed and aiyana sharing a breakfast sandwich on the couch, on saturday morning...


sena and ed showing off some of their crop


the beach...
we went to rhode island to visit ed's parents on sunday. we spent most of the day at their house for a family gathering, and we only made it to the beach in the evening as the sun went down. it was lovely, everything looked soft in shades of pink and blue...


we slept there on sunday night, and on monday we went to the beach with ed's mom, and the kids. sena tried floating on a boogie board and only got knocked down once, and aiyana did some jumping in the waves with grandma holding on to her. it was pretty fun.


here's the four of us:


i'm looking forward to more time at the beach, especially in september when the crowds disappear and the weather is still beautiful. it's my favorite time to go...

cosmos collage

i put this together with a few pics i recently took around our house. sena and aiyana and i planted cosmos seeds in my garden this spring, and now the flowers are big and many and look beautiful...

how it is

things have been pretty over overwhelming since sunday. there's so much to do, all the time...
it feels like all i'm doing is cooking, laundry, cleaning, non-stop, and even so, my place looks like a disaster... i'll spend the whole afternoon cooking, for instance, and then it's gone so fast...but at least i have the satisfaction of knowing that we're eating well. still, at times, it gets overwhelming. laundry too, i just can't keep up with it. and as opposed to cooking, which i love, i'm not crazy about laundry. so i'm always trying to get rid of stuff, so that i don't end up with baskets of clean laundry piled around the house, waiting to be put away.

i wish i had more time to just be with the kids and do fun stuff together. sena's so into reading now, for instance, and she's catching on to it really quickly, but i don't feel like we're spending enough time on it, to really take advantage of her enthusiasm for learning at this point.

the girls and i did get some fun in this week though...
yesterday, we went blueberry picking, and we were the only ones there, and we picked about 5 lbs, which isn't much; but the best part was sitting on our blanket by the blurberry bushes, having a picnic, just the three of us. we watched a turkey vulture and then a hawk circle in the sky above us, and talked about little things, and the whole thing had a really sweet feeling to it.

today, sena had her first appointment at the dentist, and she was really good about it, she let them check her teeth, and she was really proud of herself. aiyana was also very patient waiting for sena to be done, and the whole thing went smoothly, and then they got prizes at the end. it flet like a nice experience that we shared together, esp. since sena was pretty nervous about it in the beginning; when we were done, we went out to lunch to celebrate. i'm realizing more and more these days just how much i enjoy my kids' company...

a couple of days ago, one of us broke a plate. later that night, when we were in bed, sena looked me in the eye, and said "mom, everything breaks in the end". she wasn't asking me, she was telling me, and all i could do is shake my head yes.

what a party!

oh my god, i had such a blast this weekend! we went to a party on saturday, and there was live drumming and dancing, and i got so into it, i even did a cartwheel at one point; the kids were dancing along too, and the drumming was crazy, and there was some amazing jamaican food cooked by my friend's boyfriend who's a chef, and is jamaican. there were tons of mosquitoes too, but they weren't biting when i was dancing. i loved it, i was so wired after the party, i couldn't sleep for half the night. i just love to dance...

the other side of innocence

some part of me aches with the knowledge of my children, all children, losing their innocence, purity, openness, their acceptance of themselves and others... it's part of living in the world.
i can already see it happening with some of sena's friends. slowly and imperceptibly at first, they start to talk and act in a certain way that they think is more grown-up like, and already they seem jaded and worn out. not that i believe in sheltering children. i celebrate the world and its grittiness; i enjoy throwing myself at it with open arms, but still, it's sad....

on the other hand, i think that if you want to know beauty in life, if you want to live and know it intimately, you can't shelter yourself from suffering. i don't think my children really understand beauty now, because for them, everything is beautiful. they have no reference point, no division. their hearts are so open, how could anthing be otherwise?
me, on the other hand, i've lied and been lied to, i've been deceitful and been deceived, i've hurt people and i've been hurt; and on the other side of these things, i found grace, and came to know about beauty. it's the separation from the bliss and certainly we are born with that causes us suffering, but that same separation, for me, is the only way to beauty.

yesterday, i was comforting a friend who's going through a hard time with her boyfriend. they've separated, and she doesn't know whether they'll be together again or not. she's so in love with him.... and she's heart-broken. some of our other friends think that she should stop thinking about him, and are mad at him for not treating her right (they broke up when she was sick with lyme disease). but i know that she can't stop thinking of him. i know how she feels, i've been there. there was nothing i could do for her, or anyone can do for her right now, except maybe listen and let her share what she needs to.

one thing i wanted to tell her was to treasure this time. even though it's hard to be with these feelings, even though she's crying and yearning for some resolution, this time is precious and beautiful; i told her that she'll be happy again, whether things turn out the way she wants them to or not; now the feelings are too intense, but some day she'll be able to look back on this and feel grateful for having experienced it. she'll love it because it's a precious part of her life, which brought her closer to truth. at least that's been my experience.

sunshine and rain

we had some nice storms lately. one day last week, it started raining really hard all of a sudden, but the sun was still out and it looked really pretty. i took this picture right outside our front door.



when the rain stopped, a beautiful rainbow appeared. we all ran out to look at it. those two people you see in the picture are our neighbors matt and shandra:


finally, this is one of my favorite pictures of aiyana, taken this week:

an accidental find

i accidentaly come accross a book called "the portable jack kerouac" on the 'for sale' shelf at the library. i was kind of yearning for a new book to read, and this came along, falling perfectly, it seems, in line with what i wanted. i haven't read any kerouac until now, but this book provides a nice compilation of his work. i opened it up and read it at random places, and so far i'm very much drawn to it.

i want to share this little haiku poem from it, which i love. it's so simple and pretty, and i find that it captures my view and experience of religion perfectly:

"The taste
of rain
- Why kneel?"

I also like kerouac's view of writing and literature, which he describes as follows:
"a tale told for companionship and to teach something religious, of religious reverence, about real life, in this real world which literature should... reflect".

hero post-script

just wanted to throw in another comment on the movie 'hero', which i recommended in an earlier posting. i said that the version to watch is the chinese one with english subtitles, as opposed to the american one. in the original chinese version, if you've seen the movie, the rebel 'broken sword' scribbles 3 words in the sand: "all under heaven". in the american version, these words are translated as "our land". maybe they were trying to arouse a patriotic sentiment with this translation, i don't know, but i think it is a world apart from the original meaning....

Singapore update

it seems like the singapore thing is dead. ed's boss wanted an absolute minumum of 2 years, and we didn't want to commit to that long. one year was our preference and 1.5 our max. so it's dead for now.
no bad feelings on either side, i think.

so much sweetness

sena's been coming up with some really nice imagery lately.
one night, we were talking, and she said to ed, aiyana and i: "i love you so much. my love feels like so many baloons coming out of my body, flying in all directions, up into the sky". she opened her arms wide in a circle around her, to show us what she meant.

i love this image she created. to me, love is just like that. many baloons flying up into the sky. when you love someone, you may or may not be together, your lives may move in different directions, but the love is there, floating around in the sky, with a life of its own.

another time, the four of us were getting ready for bed at night, when sena said: "i love you guys so much. i feel like the four of us are attached around our hearts with a rope, and even when we go away from each other, we are still close together."

finally, last week, she said to me: "mom, even though mamaia didn't speak my language (she only spoke romanian), i understood what she was saying." i asked her how she understood, and she said "my body just knew".

to me, these statemetns are so simple and profound. they reveal such openness and beauty, and i feel humbled by them. i feel blessed to be in the presence of such pure energy as children have.

aiayna's also been very affectionate. i sometimes complain about the inconveniences that arise from sleeping with my children, but i have to say that overall, the sweetness of it far outweighs any inconvenience. lately, aiyana's been waking up at different times during the night, just to put her little arms around my neck and pull herself up to me to give me a kiss. a kiss, and sometimes a little hug, and then she quietly slips back into sleep. i can't describe the feeling of her small arms around me, pulling me close... it's one of those those things i can never forget.

a weekend in montreal

our friends johnny and angela, their children corey and yuba, and the 4 of us spent a nice weekend in montreal. 10 people in my parents little house sounds like a lot, but things worked out fine, especially since johnny and angela brought their tent and camped in the back yard the three nights that we spent there.

we got there on friday evening, and left on monday morning, so we had 2 full days, saturday and sunday. we brought our bikes, and tried to get around with them as much as possible. although it rained a lot last week, the days that we were there it rained only at night, and the rest of the time was very pleasant.

i felt really excited riding our bikes around the city, showing my friends around, and having someone around who is also addicted to good coffee. it was also nice to eat all those fresh croissants and bagels.

on saturday, we left my parents' house in the morning. johnny, angela, corey and yuba were each riding their own bike, while ed and i each had a kid on ours. we biked from my parents' house in brossard to the old port in montreal. there, we left our bikes on a bike rack, and did some walking around. i never go to old montreal, except when i'm showing visitors around, and this was my friends' first time in montreal, so it was kind of nice for me to see it as well. the kids did great, although sena was whining sometimes. she was bored being in her bike-seat for so long, but then wehn she got out and we started walking, she was complaining about the walk. all in all, things went well, though. we stopped at a nice cafe and had some excellent croissants with coffee, and the kids had yogurt and juice for snacks.

on our way back home, we were caught in a downpour, which we tried to avoid as much as we could, until it became apparent that it was unavoidable. at this point, i decided to get wet and enjoy it, so i took off my sticky, hot, raincoat, and got drenched head-to-toe, and felt great about it. nice warm summer rain, it had been a while since i felt what it was like. i don't think my parents were too excited when the 8 of us showed up drenched and dripping on their front steps, but they took care of us and did their best to make us comfortable. all kids jumped in the bathtub at once, 4 of them squished in there, really sweet, but they would not let me take any pics...

on sunday, we decided to cut down on the biking, since corey's knee was swollen and we were concerned about it. he still wanted to bike, and said it didn't hurt, but we decided to drive downtown instead and only bike short distances around there. we drove up mount royal first, where our friends had a view of the city; then we went to fairmount and picked up some bagels; then we parked the car on st-urbain, and from there we biked to McGill university, then back to st-laurent, carre st-louis where we took a break, then all the way to parc lafontaine where we followed the bikepath up to the plateau and eventually back to st-urbain. we ate at sentrepole, and then spent about an hour at the tam-tams on mount royal.

sena and aiyana spent the day with my parents doing their own thing. it was a great day, and i felt free having fun and doing whatever i wanted, not having to worry about the kids at all, but i did miss them, and by the afternoon i was ready to be with them again. so angela and her kids and i drove back to my parents', while ed and johnny decided to bike back home and see a little more of the city on the way.

the nicest thing about this weekend was being able to share the things and places i love with my family and friends. i'm definitely looking fwd to more of this.

here are some pics:

the tam-tams on mount-royal


johnny, corey and yuba checking it out


sentrepole, under the table


flowers in carre st-louis




one lonely flower floating in the fountain


my vege pate sandwich at sentrepole (the sprounts were amazing)


walking around the vieux port

the kids, having fun (having corey and yuba around was unbeleivable. sena and aiyana were pretty much hands off for ed and i, the entire weekend, because they were so involved with their older friends...)

getting ready to ride around the city

johnny and angela

more flowers at carre st-louis

our bikes

sena and aiyana having fun in the car, on our ride to montreal

aiyana at my parents' house

playing in my mother's back yard

look what i found

i forgot about this, until i found it by accident today. it's a (rough) website i put together after our biking trip through asia, in 2001. it has pictures, emails i sent home, and a little description of our trip. it also links to another trip we took, this one being to peru in 2002, with more pics and descriptions. here's the address:
http://www.geocities.com/ralucamocanu/

no! i mean...maybe yes...

this singapore thing is taking all kids of turns.
at first ed's boss said 'forget it' to our 1 yr proposal. he insisted on 3 yrs, and said he'd try to find someone else. now, he spoke to another boss, and they came back to ed with a 2 yr proposal. ed and i are sticking to 1yr though, 1.5yrs max. we'll see what happens.

in the meantime, i'm feeling really good. strong, centered and clear. i played with my tarot cards this morning and i got exuberance. very reflective of where i am right now. i feel that i have lots of energy, and i am interested in all kinds of things. even better, i feel empowered, particularly in this community project i'm involved in, and generally in my life and the lives of those close to me. my friend sue often says to me "you can't get it wrong", when we speak about decisions we have to make in our lives. and at this point, i truly feel that that is true. i feel that i am living as honestly and openly as i can. i'm flowing, and i love it.

beets anyone?

peace

yes

decision's been made: we're going to say yes to moving to Singapore for a year. don't know what will happen, ed's work wanted a commitment of 2-3 years, but at this point ed's the only qualified candidate, so we'll see.

i feel good with things, i feel comfortable whether we go or stay. even though last week was stressful, i'm happy i went through it. i learned a lot about decision-making, and i feel good about the way things came together. right now, i feel free and clear.

big decision

this week's been kind of stressful. i've had to make what seems like a big decision: whether to go to singapore or not. ed has an offer to go from his work. it would be for 1 to 1.5 yrs, all expenses paid. we'd get a very generous housing allowance, car, and other living expenses all covered. money wise, it's definitely a plus.

i've had so many thoughts going through my head. that's what made it stressful. i found myself really excited about the possibility one day, and the next i'd be thinking it's crazy to move away from the place we love, where we have so many friends and family, where we feel at home. ed and i talked a lot, but after a while, that wasn't fruitful anymore; our conversations became polarized, and i'd find myself taking a position i didn't really feel drawn towards just to counteract him. so i decided i needed to do my own thinking and figure out exactly what my position is before having any further discussions with him. that's what i've been doing this week.

here are some of the main issues i thought about. first, the concerns:

health (especially kids): i'm worried about air/food/water quality. we're being very careful with that here, trying to eat clean food as much as possible, unsprayed, organic, all of that. over there, i just don't know where the food comes from and how it was grown. i know it's going to be delicious taste wise (indian, malay, chinese food), but quality wise, i just don't know. air and water pollution are also things i wonder about. it's a busy metropolis, and although i know they have very stringent pollution laws, i still wonder.

on the other hand, i know that singapore's medical facilities and personnel are some of the best in the world, so that's a safety net in case something should go wrong (not that i'd want to end up there...).

another thing i'm worried about is uprooting our family. i know how important it is to have support, and we have so much of it here: my sister, ed's family, my family, and so many excellent friends. i'm sure it's going to be hard on ed and i, and the kids, at least initially, to find ourselves alone. also, i don't know how the kids will do being away from everyone they know, from their routine; ed and i will be there to support them and give them all our love, but will that be enough?
on the other hand, i look forward to meeting new people, making new friends, and i think the kids will make their own friends soon enough, so that can be very exciting.

my last major concern has to do with living in the city. simply put, i will miss the trees, the rivers, the open space. i will miss having nature outside my front door. singapore is very built up, it has to be with so many people in such a small place. i can enjoy city life for a while, the crowds, the cafes, the shops, but will i get overwhelmed with it?

on the positive side:
singapore's got an excellent reputation for safety;

it's a very multicultural environment, with chinese, indian, malay, european, north americans, etc living side by side. this would be an amazing learning opportunity for all of us, especially the kids, who will probably pick up at least one of the four official languages; in that respect, i feel that we'll all become richer for this experience.

i'm excited at the possibility of exploring indonesia and malaysia, which are neighbors with singapore, at minimal cost to us. if i had to pick one place in the world that i wanted to experience at this time in my life, it would be indonesia, and here's an opportunity to do so. i also love malaysia, at least the little of it i saw in 2001.

i know, and other people i know confirmed this, that a year goes by so quickly, that, when we come back, it will feel like we weren't even gone at all; yet a year of living in another country is long enough to allow us to experience it.

i'm also excited at the prospect of taking classes or doing something out of the ordinary; i'm thinking maybe chinese painting, or calligraphy, or indian cooking, or maybe some form of chinese medicine; i have so many ideas and it's exciting to have the opportunity to explore some of them.

in the end, i feel like whatever we decide, either way it's good. i don't feel like we can get it wrong, but rather, that it's a matter of making a choice and aligning ourselves with it.

one thought i had this week when i felt quite stressed about this, is that no matter what happens, i have myself. maybe that sounds corny, but it made me feel good. i know that i have strength, flexibility and a lot of other inner resources to draw upon and make this or any other experience a rich one.

finally, my friend jennifer gave me this excellent advice: she said "are you afraid?", and i had to admit that i was one some level. she said "if you're afraid, that's a reason in itself why you should do it". other friend resonated her advice. it's time to shake it up.

will let you know what we decide.
peace

busy week

phew, a busy week is coming to an end. i have some time to myself, and it feels nice to be able to sit and take it all in. here are a few highlights, starting last saturday:

saturday: farmer's market in the afternoon; watching "little miss sunshine" after kids were in bed (loved it)

sunday: blueberry picking in the morning, with roxi, ricardo and julia. we picked 7 lbs and had a great time. roxi and ricardo posted some pics from this on their blog.

monday: picked ed up at the airport. sena and aiyana were SO excited to see him again, it was quite emotional.

at night, we had a beautiful women's circle that all of us enjoyed, including the kids. i took these pictures after we closed the circle, and started eating. the sky was outrageous....

tuesday: attended a half-day seminar on community work. this is related to the work i'm doing with MAC, that children's group i got involved with a while ago. i felt really lucky to participate in the seminar, because the people there seemed very experienced and motivated, and i learned a lot from them. the only downside was feeling exhausted at the end, and having to jump right into taking care of the kids, cooking, etc. with no break.

wednesday: had a birthday party for giovanna, (sena's friend), at our place. beautiful day, great food, great people. it all took place outside, with the kids running through the water sprinkler, and playing games, while the adults hung out talking about samurai movies (my neighbor matt was there).

thursday: had julia in the morning, then after roxi picked her up, sena, aiyana and i went to the fenton river, where we found a shady spot and sat and played for a couple of hours. at night, the 'third thursday' festival was happening in willimantic, which we never miss, so we went, had some indian food and falafael, walked around, bounced in the bouncy house, and came back home exhausted.

i want to post this one more picture, because i like it. aiyana was pretending that this cardboard box was her house, and she lay down in it with all her 'babies', while sena covered her up with a sheer blue scarf.


peace

a treat

last night, after the kids went to sleep, i treated myself to a beautiful movie: Hero. you can check out description and some reviews here.
if you liked 'crouching tiger, hidden dragon', or 'house of flying daggers', you may like this one.

i found it to be a beautiful movie, in many ways, the most obvious one being visually (beautiful people, gorgeous landscapes, beautiful cinematography). it had some nice fighting scenes, if you like martial arts; but my favorite part, i'd have to say, was the state of mind this movie lured me into. check it out, see what i mean.

there are various interpretations of this movie, some more disturbing than others, but regardless, to me, it's still worth seeing.

one more thing: my neighbor matt, who is a connaisseur of asian martial arts movies, told me to that the original chinese version with english subtitles (which is what i watched) is much better than the american one (due in part to some of the translation).

and since i'm on the topic, i have to mention another beautiful, beautiful film i saw last year, that's been with me since i saw it: Dreams byAkira Kurosawa. check it out here.

missing dada

the girls ask me every day when ed will be back. they see his car and get all excited every time we pull in the driveway, saying 'dada's home, dada's home', and then i have to say, not yet, it's only his car. then they get all sad and disappointed....

chicken drama

still didn't catch any groundhods. i guess i'm not too good at setting traps. maybe they don't like our compost, which is what i put in there to lure them in; i'll have to try something else....

but, we have at least one baby chick. he hatched yesterday. i went to check on the hen, and she was sitting on the eggs as usual; everything looked unchanged, so i was about to leave, when i noticed a tiny beak and a shiny black eye peeking at me from under the hen. i went in the house to get the girls and show them, but by the time we got back to the coop, the chick had gone all the way under the hen, and we couldn't see him anymore. this morning though, he was out walking around the coop, and we were able to see him really well. he's so sweet and small, all fuzzy, yellow with brown stripes. very exciting.

last night, we had guinea hen drama:
i counted them, and there were only 14, instead of 15. i also noticed that the water feeder was missing from the coop. i looked around the yard, and something white caught my eye in a bush. i checked it out, and it turned out to be the water feeder. i had no idea how it got there, but i tried to pull it out, and realized that it was attached to the missing guinea hen. at first, i thought that she was dead, she was all limp; but when i pulled harder, she started to squak and fight me. so now i had this guinea hen with her foot stuck through the water feeder hook, and frantically trying to get away from me.

i feel really bad seeing hurt animals. and often, i find when i try to help them, they panic and try to get away and in the process end up getting even more hurt. so it's really tricky.

so i grabbed the hen and tried to get the hook off her leg, but the leg was all swollen, and the best i could do was to detach the hook from the water feeder, so at least she didn't have this huge thing attached to her. i talked to her and tried to reassure her in my genlest voice, but she was really frightened and ran further into the bushes. i was not excited at the prospect of chasing a hurt hen through prickery bushes.

in the meantime, the rooster, who was freaking out, being very protective of the hens, came over to check out what was happening. i decided to leave the hen and rooster alone for a while, maybe she'd come out of the bushes by herself. i went in the house, and in a few minutes, i saw that she did come out and was trying to join the rest of the chickens. she could not walk on her hurt leg, so she flapped her wings in semi-flght, and then lay down. as soon as the rest of the pack moved, she'd have to flap again to join them, and it was clear that she was having a real hard time and could not keep up.

fortunately, at this point, shandra, my amazing neighbor, came out. she's the most capable person i've ever met, so everything went well after that. i felt so relieved to see her. she caught the hen, took the hook out of her leg, and checked her leg to see if it was broken or dislocated; then we made a resting place for her using an upside-down hamper with some rocks on top; we gave her water, food and some rescue remedy, and soon enough she seemed much calmer and was resting. we isolated her from the rest of the pack at night too, and already she seems much better today. i think we can let her out tomorrow, she seems really eager to join the rest of the pack.

and in praise of our rooster:
we have the best rooster in the whole world. he's quite small, but he is amazing. he's so protective and caring with the hens, and at the same time he's gentle and has never attacked anyone. some of my friends have big, aggressive roosters that don't even care for the hens all that well, and i told them to bring them over to check out our rooster, maybe they'll learn. anyway, yesterday, the rooster kept coming over to check on the hurt hen, you could tell he was really concerned, he kept circling around her and didn't want to leave her alone. at night, when we put her separate from the rest, you could tell he was very anxious and didn't want to go in the coop until she was there too. actually, all the hens, not just the rooster, seemed very concerned about the one who got hurt. it was very moving to see them.

so everything is well now, and i'm very grateful to shandra for all her help.

peace

day in the life

- got up this morning, had a nice shower, and drove to connecticut; the girls and i slept in rhode island last night, at ed's parents' cottage. thy girls stayed and are spending the day at the beach with grandma and grampa, while i came back to CT to do some errands.

- went to a dentist appointment and was coerced into having xrays taken, which of course showed a cavity. otherwise, they said, things look good. whatever.

- came home and checked the trap. no groundhog. (although i did see one running accross the driveway as i pulled in...)

- went to check on the chickens. the rooster and guinea hens were unhappy because they're spending the day in the coop today. they were also running out of food. i refilled their water, and called the store to see if their food came in.

- the hen is in a separate coop, sitting on her eggs i checked on her too - no baby chicks yet...

- picked some fresh lettuce and basil out of the garden. the basil smells and looks amazing. i'm making pesto tonight.

- went in the house and made myself a salad to die for: lettuce, avocado, boiled eggs, garlic (of course), 2 kinds of seeds, olive oil, and some delicious balsamic vinegar from the co-op. what a treat, and i had it all to myself! for desert, i had one piece of dark chocolate, a handfull of cherries, and a cup of coffee. this is the life! i love it, love to eat, and love to talk about food. i also like to share my food, although when in short supply, i experience inner conflict about sharing.

- after lunch, i set up a second have-a-heart-trap, which ed's dad gave me this morning. it took a while to figure it out, and i was covered in sweat by the time i did it, but hopefuly i'll have at least one groundhog by tomorrow.

- went to the chicken store and got the food.

- went by my landlady's house and paid the rent

- now i have a few moments to myself, in the shade, writing this. then, i'll be driving back to rhode island to spend the night. last night i could hear the ocean out of my bedroom, and it felt really nice. it's been a while since i fell asleep to the sound of the waves...i love it.

tomorrow, we're hitting the beach.

peace

taking on a different week

ed's in singapore and i'm on my own with the kids. i do have lots of support though: my sister, ed's parents, my friends... so i'm expecting everything to go well.

i'm a little overwhelmed with taking care of the garden and the rest of the outdoors though....
the chickens need to be put in at night (we have 17 of them now, and expecting 6 more to hatch this week). sometimes they don't cooperate, and it's hard to get them in the coop. this morning i saw some coyote poop right in front of the coop, and i also heard howling last night, so the coyotes are definitely around around. if any chicken is out of the coop after dark, they'll be gone in no time...

i also have to pick and water the garden. what's a little more alarming is that there are 3 groundhogs around, i saw them out the kitchen window this morning, and ed left me instruction how to trap them, but he only thought there was one, not three. they've been eating the carrots out of the garden already, and damaged some of the winter squash, so we definitely have to relocate them, but i'm a little intimidated by taking them on all alone. they're pretty big... i'll ask my neighbor shandra for help, she's amazing with stuff like this.

and the yard, which is huge, needs to be mowed, but i think i'll leave this one to ed when he gets home. hopefuly the ticks won't get too bad with the tall grass. hopefuly the chickens will do their job and eat them, that's why we got them, after all....

the kids are really missing ed already, and it's hard for me too, all i can do is hold them and reassure them that he'll be back...

all in all though, i feel good right now, and i'm mostly looking forward to this different week with excitement - i'll let you know how it turns out...
peace

roxi and ricardo's pictures

there are some nice, recent pics of us and the kids on roxi and ricardo's blog. check them out here if you'd like.

a full week

i've had a full week, crazy and fun.

last saturday, it was our friend johnny's birthday, and at the last minute, we decided to go to the beach and celebrate. we went to rhode island, and had a blast. it was hot and sunny, the beach was packed, and there were big waves.
my favorite part of the day was boogie boarding. i had so much fun riding the waves, or at least trying to...
i didn't realize how much work i was doing trying to get out and catch a wave, until next day when my entire body was hurting. i love the feeling of riding a wave, of being carried the power of the surge. that night, i lay in bed and closed my eyes, and i felt like i was still riding effortlessly on top of the waves.

on saturday night, tara came to visit with her children, annika and aron. they spent 5 days with us and it was a lot of fun. things got crazy too, as expected with 4 little kids around, but i think that overall everybody enjoyed this time together. we took the kids to bakerwoods, the little farm/petting zoo we like to go to. they checked out some of the animals, and we went on the gnome trail, where the kids tried to locate various items the the gnomes had "lost". at the end of the trail they each got a prize, which was very exciting.
here are some pictures of the kids:




we also went to the beach, at coventry lake near our house. here are sena and aiyana sharing a towel, after playing in the water
this is it for now, it's time for me to go back home...
peace