My unreal experience at the dentist

Today, Sena, Aiyana and I had a dentist appointment. All three of us were scheduled for a cleaning at Dr. Steven Lovelace’s office in Manchester, CT. I had been at his office before, and he had worked on my teeth, but this was the first time the girls were coming. 

When we got there, the hygienist met us. She told me I could go in for my cleaning, but I told her I’d like to talk right away about the kind of treatment we want for the girls: no x-rays, and no fluoride, just a bare bones cleaning. She looked at me uncomprehendingly for a moment, then she said “Then why are you here?”. I repeated that I just wanted a simple cleaning for them, using their regular instruments. 

She and I then went to the room where she was going to do my cleaning, and we continued to talk about the girls. She tried to explain to me why they need x-rays and why the fluoride treatment is important. I told her that I had had this explained to me many times by different dentists, and that we did research on it. I said that I understand her point of view, and know that she’s telling me what she thinks is best, but we made a decision as a family, based on the  best information we could find, that we’re not going to do xrays or fluride, and we were going to stick with that. I also explained that in 13 years, Sena had one cavity, and in 11 years, Aiyana had none, so we feel that what we’re doing is working to a large extent and we’d like to continue with our present course. I could tell she did not agree with my choice, but she was respectful nevertheless. It was a bit tense between us, but I felt that if you’re going to disagree with someone, this is the way to do it, in a way that each person feels heard and respected.

Then we started to talk about my teeth. She said the doctor wanted a panoramic xray in order to treat 2 of my teeth that need crowns. I said I was ok with that since the problem cannot be solved without xrays. But I asked if we could, instead of a panoramic, do a local xray of just the teeth that need work. She said she was going to check with the dentist.

She was gone for a long time, and I thought “oh-oh, things are not going well”. I thought she might be upset when returning, that she’s wasting so much time dealing with my questions. When she returned, she was not alone. Dr. Lovelace came with her. He walked in and without any kind of greeting got right to it. He was talking really fast, and was visibly upset. He said that he needs the panoramic, and that just because I am ignorant he can’t risk “getting his ass sued”. He ranted on about this being medical procedure, and I could not get any word in, and neither could the hygienist. Then he turned to the hygienist and said in an authoritative way “Make her sign on the line that she does not want a panoramic”, and started walking out. I got my purse, and said to the hygienist “I am sorry, but I cannot stay when he treats me so disrespectfully”. She said “That’s fine”, and we walked out. 

Dr. Lovelace was walking in front of us, and continuing his angry, aggressive, monolog about the x-rays, and people not knowing what they’re talking about, etc. When we got to the waiting area, he turned and said in a loud, disdainful way: “This is a proper dental office, not some place in Bulgaria” (he must’ve meant Romania). The hygienist, horrified, instantly turned to me and said “I’m sorry”. It didn’t actually hit me what he said, and especially how he said it, in such an arrogant way, until I saw her  reaction. Her eyes got really big, like she was thinking “Oh my god, I can’t believe he just said that”. There were two receptionists at the checkout desk, and a man in the waiting room. All of them witnessed the whole thing and kept their heads down, looking purposefully away from me. Sena and Aiyana were also in the waiting room, witnessing the whole thing, paying close attention.

After saying the thing about Bulgaria, Dr. Lovelace walked away without waiting for a reply or comment. I felt a weird mix of emotion: on one hand, I was shaken by being insulted and disrespected in such a cowardly way, especially in front of my children. On the other hand I felt very calm, and not at all intimidated by him.

The hygienist and two ladies at the checkout desk were the only people I could respond to, but I knew that although he was in a different room, he could still hear me. I said something like “Wow, you guys, good example your office is setting on being racist and disrespectful towards your patients”.  I said that I knew other patients of theirs, and I was going to share with them the racist and disrespectful way in which I had been treated. The hygienist said again “I’m sorry”, and “I apologize”, and I told her she’s not the one who should be sorry, he is. I could tell she was feeling bad about the whole thing.

The girls and I left, and I felt shaky. I don’t remember the last time I was insulted and demeaned in such an open way. But I also felt strangely empowered. I felt glad that I hadn’t resorted to insulting him back, or that I hadn’t just quietly walked out of the office and pretend nothing happened, only to deal with the whole thing later quietly on my own. Partly because I had the girls there, and partly because I was not intimidated by him, I had to speak up. I was glad that I said what I felt was wrong with the situation in a calm, dignified way (at least as much as I could muster at the moment). Thinking about it now, I am almost grateful for this opportunity of showing the girls how to deal with a difficult situation.

I needed to collect myself for a moment after we left the office, but once at the car, the girls and I talked about what happened. I asked them what they thought about the whole situation, and about how I handled it. I was happy to hear that they both thought I appeared calm. But Sena said that she felt bad for the hygienist and the other two women in the office, who my comments were directed to after Dr. Lovelace cowardly walked away. She felt that these women hadn’t done anything wrong, but yet were the ones I was looking at when I was speaking. I tried to explain that I couldn’t just walk after Dr. Lovelace, I felt it would’ve been inappropriate to do so, and my only option for saying what I felt I must, was to speak to these women, who were representing his office, and had witnessed the whole thing. Also, I did clarify to the hygienist when she said that she was sorry that she had nothing to be sorry for, that it was all directed at him.

In any case, I thought about Sena’s comment, and how she’s always so fair, so when we got home, I called the office and clarified to the woman at the desk that I was not upset at her or the other women there, and didn’t think they had done anything wrong. She was very kind to me, and I think she was grateful to get my phone call. She said she would pass the message to the other women. I’m glad now that Sena helped me clarify the situation with them.

So we didn’t get our teeth cleaned today, but I feel that what we got was a life lesson, and a life experience more important than that. I’m glad that the girls and I experienced it together.

Now, I have to find a new dentist….