last month

happy holidays and peace!
haven't been online in a while, but i've been writing stuff on my laptop at home. here is some of it...


thr dec 21st 2006

why just ask the donkey?
(from The Gift, by Hafiz)

why
just ask the donkey in me
to speak to the donkey in you,

when i have so many other beautiful animals
and brilliant colored birds inside
that are all longing to say something wonderful
and exciting to your heart?

let's open all the locked doors upon our eyes
that keep us from knowing the Intelligence
that begets love
and a more lively and satisfying conversation
with the Friend.

let's turn loose our golden falcons
so that they can meet in the sky
where our spirits belong
necking like two
hot kids

let's hold hands and get drunk near the sun
and sing sweet songs to God
until he joins us with a few notes
from his own sublime lute and drum.

if you have a better idea
of how to pass a lonely night
after your glands may have performed
all their little magic
then speak up sweethearts, speak up,
for hafiz and all the world will listen.

why just bring your donkey to me
asking for stale hay
and a boring conference with the idiot
in regard to this precious matter-
such a precious matter as love,

when i have so many other divine animals
and brilliant colored birds inside
that are all longing
to so sweetly
greet
you!


tue dec 19th 2006
i haven't written in a while. various reasons for that. so i'll throw myself in it and start somewhere in the middle:

i've been sick for the past two weeks. it's very unusual for me to be sick for this long. usually it's one or two days and then i'm back. this time, every time i got better, i started doing too much too soon and then i got sick again and was forced to stop. my body is very wise that way. always makes it very clear when i need to stop and rest. i started off with a breast infection, brough on by lack of sleep and not drinking enough water. that fet awful for one day but got better quickly. just when i was starting to feel back to normal again, i got a stomach virus, something i've never had in my life, but have heard many stories about. so now i can say, based on my own experience, that it's very nasty. just an awful feeling of nausea, achiness, and general discomfort. after a few days this too got better, but by then sena and aiyana both had colds, which i soon got as well.

so as always, when i'm sick, i start realizing how amazing it is to be healthy, to be able to do whetever i want without any inconvenience or pain.
the funny thing is that this whole time that i was sick, i had this feeling that there's a reason why i'm sick. that this is some kind of cleansing for my body. there are many traditions and rituals in which one cleanses and purifies their body in order to be more clear-sighted, clear-minded, more open to insight, intuition and stuff of that nature. one amazing thing that happened is that being sick made me unable to have coffee anymore. not that coffee is bad or anything, but for me, it was a habit that i wanted to get rid of. it was my big addiction, and i felt that it controlled me too much. i'd love to have a cup of coffee now and then, but i don't want my thoughts and actions to be ruled by whether i had my coffee yet or not. i was thinking about all of this before i got sick, thinking of what i could do to give up the addiction. i've tried so many times and never really succeded. this time, i didn't make any plans as to how i was going to do it. i just put the thought out there, just stated the intention that i'd like to give it up. and then forgot about it. until i got sick and discovered that i can't have coffee anymore. the crazy thing is that even though my body was nauseous at the thought of coffee, my mind still wanted the ritual of my daily cup. so i tried having it anyway, had a couple of sips and ended up pouring the rest out.

the other thing that happened while i was sick was that i had a lot of dreams. i almost don't want to write about this for fear of what it's going to sound like. fear that it may make me seem ...crazy, or ridiculos, or i don't know what...
well, whatever, i'll put it out anyway.
in one of my dreams, i was taking a history test. it was a multiple choice, but i hadn't been to class the whole semester and i had no clue about the material the test was on. i felt really nervous, as i scanned the first few questions. i thought "i don't know any of this, so i might as well pick answers at random, and i may get some right by chance". i was panicking, going through the questions as quickly as possible,trying not to waste any time. then all of a sudden, something clicked and i felt...clarity. i was calm, no longer paniking or rushing. i realized that the answer to each question was right there, in front of me, embedded within the question itself. i felt a great relief, a great sense of ease and well-being. most of all i felt that i had the knowledge i needed, and because of this i was freed - freed from fear or control that others may impose on me.

i woke up with a deep sense of well-being, and realized that this dream concretized a feeling that's been budding inside me for some time. the feeling that the answers i seek in my life are accessible to me, embedded within the circumstances in which they occur, and part of my being. that all i need to do when i need guidance (instead of deffering to authority or power figures) is to pay attention and be receptive, and the answer will become evident with time.

i feel like my dream life has taken on greater and greater proportions over the past few years. i love my dreams and find them invaluable. they provide guidance when i need it, and give insight into important parts of my life. like the dream i described above, they give bring out a deep seated sense of confidence. and also, some of the most amazing and most intense feelings i've ever had have been in dreams. and whatever we may argue about dreams, there's no denying that the feelings that come up are real.

fri dec 1st

some things come around full circle. time spirals back on itself, and you find yourself at a place you're already familiar with, revisiting. things are the same as you remember, and yet they are so different. i've experienced this a few times in my life: when i taught english as a second language; when i tell my children bed-time stories that i was told as a child; or in this situation:

my family used to go to the Black Sea almost every summer in Romania. this is how we spent our vacation. i loved this get-away and anticipated it with excitement, especially when my cousins came along too. i knew that we'd have lots of fun playing on the beach and in the water. and i also looked forward to staying in a hotel and seeing all the foreigners.

"the foreigners" were something quite special. we only saw them at the seaside - people vacationed here from all around Europe and other parts of the world. lying on the beach, i could hear different languages being spoken around me. i didn't really understand any of them, but this didn't make things any less exciting. it was such a thrill to be around these people; to see them walk, talk, eat, lie on the beach, or do anything they were doing. i (and many other romanian people) was studying them with a curiosity often bordering on awe. they seemd amazing and had all these cool things: clothes, gadgets, etc. everything about "the foreigners" was of great interest. the adults among us tried to be discreet and only stole furtive glances when the person being studied wasn't looking. but we, kids, were flat out staring at them. until someone shouted at us to stop.

one time at the beach, a foreign couple sat close my family. they were young and, to me, beautiful. they didn't speak much to each other. at one point, the woman sat up on her towel, and pulled a small plastic bag out of her beach bag. it was filled with candy. my eyes widened as i stared at it. it wasn't just the candy; it was the wrappers that i found amazing. they were beautiful, shiny and brightly colored. some had foreign writing on them. had she offered me a candy, i would've carefuly taken off the wrapper, stretched it out and saved it in a special place, such as in between the pages of a book. it would've gone in my collection of cool things and would've made a valuable trading / show-off piece for my friends back in Bucharest.

another time, i was in the lobby of the hotel we were staying at. i was alone, probably waiting for my parents and cousins to get ready for super. i noticed a woman: middle aged, blond, and a foreigner. i thought that i heard her speak english. i had some knowledge of english, from school and from private lessons. i felt compelled to say something to her. to speak to her, even just a sentence, would be the ultimate. i mentally prepared myself to speak to her, rehearsing my one line that i was going to say over and over, without losing sight of her. i felt so nervous and so excited. i knew i had to do it. so when she came out of "the shop" (a little convenience store in the hotel lobby that only accepted foreign currency), i walked up to her and said "what is the time?". that was it. then she said "something,something..o'clock". and i walked away. i was so excited i was shaking.

20 years later, ed and i were travelling in the Yunnan province of china. we were in Tin City, one of the bigger cities we biked through on that trip. we took a break from biking and spend 2-3 days relaxing and enjoying the comforts of city life. on our first day in Tin City, we walked around looking at things, and noticed 2 school girls looking at us. although they tried to be discreet while observing us, it was obvious they were very excited at their discovery of us, two foreign tourists. we walked and they walked some distance away from us, but still in sight. we went into a store, and when we came out, there they were, waiting for us on the sidewalk. they giggled nervously, then one of them addressed us. it was just a few simple questions, like "where are you from" and stuff like that. but it was obviously very exciting for them to speak to us. we did our best to answer so that they could understand, and we conversed for a few minutes. when we left, they followed us from a distance for some time.

i saw myself in them - their gestures, their excited interest, their shyness. i remembered how special it was for me to speak to the english woman years before, and how special i thought that she was. how different from me and the people i knew. now, as the 2 girls spoke to us, i didn't feel like i was anything special at all. i knew that they were seeing me as a symbol, not as a person, like i had done when i was in their shoes, years before.

i wonder what that woman i spoke to when i was a kid thought of me. did she think i was cute, trying to practice my broken english? did she think i was an anoyance, another kid staring too much; was she afraid that i was going to ask for money, like i am sometimes when scraggly looking kids come up to me in foreign countries? and did she know what she represented for me at that time?

i guess i'll never know how she felt... i can only speak for myself: meeting the two girls in china made me feel like i have lived both sides of the story. gave me a nice sense of wholeness. and closure.