these days

things are going really well. life feels so easy these days. the kids and i are having a great time every day, and we've found a rythm of life that really seems to be working for all of us. sena's learning so much all the time, and homeschooling has been (mostly) fun and easy up to now. she's so interested in things, i feel like i don't need to do anything other than support her and be ready to provide guidance when she needs it. she wants to read and write every day, and she's also interested in learning everything from how the immune system works (she's been asking me about this every night for the past week), to why it snows in the winter, and so on.

aiyana's also catching on to a lot of stuff; she sees her sister writing, so now she really wants to write, and she asks me to write words for her, and then she traces them over. she can already recognize a few letters, and she loves to pretend she's a librarian, reading to the rest of us, before we go to bed at night.

the three of us have been walking some lately. it feels really good not to take the car everywhere. now, whenever it's nice outside, we try to go for a walk with the stroller. we usually end up at the cafe, which feels like a treat for all of us. i realized that i've been filling my car up every two to three weeks, and that feels nice, not to have to use so much gas.

so things are looking good. i feel great and have energy, so i've been really thinking of starting a little project of my own. i'd really like to cook for people, since i don't think there's any decent place to eat around here. there's the indian restaurant, and their food tastes delicious, but their ingredients are not the highest quality... anyway, i'd really like to cook extra when i cook for us, and share it with friends who are too busy or whatever to cook for themselves. i've already started doing it a bit, and i'm going to keep going and see how things go.

that's it for now,
peace

floating and faith

today is my first official day of bartering. i dropped my kids off at my friend's house this morning - my friend is having a kid event, where they're going to do felting, dress-up, water colors, and general outdoors play. sena was really excited about it, and aiyana got into it as soon as we arrived at my friend's house. instead of paying her, my friend and i agreed that i'd cook dinner for her family. so now, that i have a few hours to myself, i am just...floating. literally.
i'm on a wooden platform, floating on a small lake. i've been watching a small bug skip across the water. i'm surrounded by trees, water lilies, birds, dragonflies. it's silence all around, except for the wind and birds.

i was feeling melancholy this morning, after an intense dream i had last night, and the only thing i could think of to soothe me was this. so after dropping the kids off, i took a little path through the woods, which brought me to the place i am now. sitting here alone, in the sun, surrounded by this amazing everything definitely feels healing. in these surroundings, i feel that i can be who i am, that i can really let my heart be open, however crazy it may look like, and that will be ok. here, i feel accepted more than anywhwere else.

at our last women's circle, we talked about faith. not religious faith necessarily, although that was included, but faith in a broader sense, including hope and trust. so i've been thinking a lot about how faith fits into my life. i feel that i do have a lot of faith, although it's hard to define it. i guess overall, my faith takes the form of joy and a belief that things are good, that everything makes sense, or fits in somehow. it also takes the form of awe at how incredible life is, not just human life, but life in all its forms. i think faith is also reflected in how i feel before the unknown. when i let myself be and get out of my head and my narrow concepts, i feel something extravagant in me and around me, and that's got something to do with faith. finally, i realized today, that on the most practical level, my faith is about trusting in the power of love. trusting that love will untangle things, and resolve everything in my own life, as well as in the world at large.

what it feels like

last night, after we said goodnight, sena turned to me, and said, "mom, what does love feel like?".
i thought it was a really good question, and had to think about it. i asked her what it felt like for her, and she said that it felt like something bobbing up and down in the area of her heart. she said that she knows i love her, because she can feel my love coming into her body.
and she also said that love makes her feel like her body is all open and is about to burst like a volcano.
i was surprised at how much she wanted to talk about this, and how descriptive she was. she would've kept going, had ed not come into the room to say that it's 10 o'clock and we should go to sleep...

7 chicks

Our hen ended up having 7 chicks, including Lucky who survived thanks to Ed. She was sitting on 15 eggs, but 8 of them were not fertilized. Here are some pics of mama and the chicks. They are really cute, all fuzzy and stuff....

maybe this is Lucky? we're not sure...i hate to admit it, but they all kind of look the same....and none is particularly attached to ed...

peace

the hollow

one day last week we decided to go to mansfield hollow and spend some time by the lake. it was a gorgeous day, and i brought some snacks as well as a change of clothes. this was a good idea, since the kids got soaked, and then cold, so i was able to change them, and everyone was happy. we had our snacks and then sena and aiyana played in the sand on their own for a couple of hours. i did yoga and just sat nearby enjoying the beauty and solitude of the place. i could not believe how well things went and how much fun we had just doing nothing. i had no books, no games, nothing to entertain them with, and yet they entertained themselves playing with sand, water, rocks, grass, and other things they found laying around, for over 2 hours. i love being outside, and it's great that we live in a place whenre it's so easy to do stuff like this. here are some pics:

walking to the beach


a hug on the way


sena, making a nest in the sand, using dried grass


peace

Don Juan

how amazing is this fall! the trees are so beautiful right now, i can barely stand it. i don't even feel like taking pictures that's how beautiful they are... i just want to sit and look, just be here in this presence...

it's sunny, and the trees seem to be on fire. the birds are still chirping, and once in a while, geese fly overhead, honking. there's still plenty of fresh food in the garden; last night, we juiced some apples from our tree, and at the last minute, i threw a few parsley sprigs in. it was delicious. what a treat!

since we decided to go to Ixtlan, several people have mentioned a book by Carlos Castaneda, called "journey to ixtlan". i borrowed it from the library, and i'm about half-way through it already. i like it a lot, and want to share the following passage, which resonates:

"for you, the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. for me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awsome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must assume responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous desert, in this marvelous time. i wanted to convince you that you must learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." (spoken by Don Juan, p107).

i'm drawn to this idea of taking responsibility for my life, and being aware of every act. Don Juan speaks of death as being our closest and wisest advisor, in the sense that if you keep death in focus, and if you live your life knowing that you're mortal, knowing that it may end at any moment, then your living and your being will take on a very different quality. i guess it comes down to not taking anything for granted, which of course, is very hard to do.

today though, with this gorgeous weather, i find it particularly easy to appreciate the beauty of life, and be grateful for it.

honey

ed, sena and aiyana did honey extraction yesterday. they got about 23lbs from our hive. enough to last us till springtime, i hope. thank you little bees!

chicks

our hen has been brooding for the past 3 weeks, and finally, yesterday, when i checked the coop in the morning, i saw that 3 out of her 15 eggs had already hatched. i went to the house for sena and aiyana, and together we watched two more chicks poke tiny beaks out of their eggs, trying to crack the shell and break out. by the end of the day, we had 5 chicks, but one wasn't doing so well, since he hadn't been able to break out of the shell completely, and he was stuck. also, the hen seemed to have abandoned him, so he was cold, and by the time ed brought him in the house, he seemed dead. but then ed revived him with some heat, and he started peeping. after a few hours of heat, ed put him back in with the hen, and he survived. we called him Lucky.

the kids and i really enjoyed watching the chicks hatch. i feel grateful that we can learn so much by seeing things like this in our back yard, instead of only through books.

here's Lucky warming up under ed's shirt, before going back to his mom in the coop:

birthday, etc

last week, we spent a beautiful morning at bakerwoods


on saturday, we celebrated aiyana's birthday with the family


sena was very helpful to aiyana in opening presents....


yesterday, aiyana went for a new look...


yesterday afternoon, we napped outside in the sun. what a treat!


peace

Happy Birthday Aiyana!

today is Aiyana's birthday.
it's very moving for me to think back to her birth, and all the changes that have taken place since then. it's been such an amazing journey, and i feel honored and overjoyed to have her and Sena in my life.

here are some pictures from her birth, October 5th 2005:

this is me, in labor under the apple tree, with my midwives by my side


and here is the first time sena met aiyana. it was about an hour after the birth, and sena was very excited; she loved aiyana's little toes...


aiyana was 1 day old here


and here she is now...


what a ride!

peace

the secret life...

i'm reading a book that's totally blowing me away: "the secret life of plants". i feel like it's clarifying so many things for me, making them come together simply and powerfuly. this book is about plants, animals, people, the soil, the universe and the intertwining ways in which we are all connected. it has added more to my understanding of God and Life than anything i've read in a long time. i strongly recommended it to anyone, because it's not just about plants, as the title might suggest, but about the soul of life.

this morning, laughing

aiyana was asking me about uncle Chris, if he'll be coming over this afternoon, and i said no, because he's working. then she thought a little and said "dada working, grampa working, uncle chris working...men are working". she continued "no women working".
i said "what do women do"? she said "stay home".
"what do they do at home?" i asked. she replied very sure of herself: "take naps and drive places".
that sums up, in her view, what i do. i kind of like it. i had to laugh.

a short while later, we were preparing to go out. it's a little chilly and windy today, cooler than it's been recently. sena was getting ready, and she asked me for a sweater. i gave her one, then she wanted another one, and a vest. when i acted surprised, she said "i have to be weather-tight". wheather-tight? where did she come up with that? i laughed so hard. i'm going to have to use it from now on. i love it. she said that she got it from one of her favorite books "children of the forest".

thanks to my girls for making me laugh so much today.

Mexico, here we come

bought plane tickets to Oaxaca, December 4th to January 20th. very exciting... now i'm just reading and doing research on stuff to do while we're there. the kids are excited too; we've been getting bilingual books out of the library (english-spanish) and we're all reading them, preping for the trip.

answers to my questions

just after i posted my last message, i headed to the library to pick up my kids (my sister had themfor the morning), and ran into a woman from Mexico.... i know her daughter from one of my friends who babysits her, and that's how we started talking.
this woman is here on a sabatical (she works with UConn), and i told her about wanting to go to Mexico. she said she has a friend from Oaxaca, and gave me his email. i wrote to him, and already got a reply, so i have two leads for places to check out: Ixtlan de Juarez, in the mountains, and Mazunte, by the beach. both sound amazing, so i'll do some more research to figure out which one to go to...
maybe we'll go to both?
i love how things work out sometimes....

oaxaca?

i've been spending time over the past few weeks planning a trip to mexico, and it's been pretty exciting. we want to go in december, and plan to spend about 6 weeks there. i've been doing research to find out what would be a good spot for us to go to, and so far, i've settled on the state of Oaxaca.

i still need to find out a lot of info, before we go...it's not at easy as before kids, when we'd just get on a plane and go, and figure out the rest once we got there. now, i feel like i should at least know some basic info as to how safe the place is, and how suitable for doing things with kids. also, ed wants to take language classes, either in some kind of school or with a private tutor, so i want to make sure that that is available wherever we end up going. Oaxaca sounds good, although Oaxaca city itself sounds too big for our interests. we'd prefer to find a smaller place, preferably not too touristy, where we can settle down and enjoy the local life for the short time we have there. we plan to do some side trips as well, and there seems to be no shortage of places to see in the region.

my challenge right now is trying to figure out where to go after we get to Oaxaca city. there are tons of small villages in the area, but i can't find any info as to language classes, accomodations, or what kind of stuff there is that i can do with the kids....

i'll keep looking, but if anyone reading this has any info, could you please let me know?

some things i'm happy about

we've just had the most gorgeous weather lately! i can't get enough! i want to be outside as much as possible, take it all in...
so i am really excited these days, and it's for several reasons other than the weather:

first, the kids and i have been having a great time just doing our daily stuff. sena and aiyana have been playing well together (lately their favorite game is one in which aiyana is either a horse or a dog - there's much argument before deciding which one - and sena is a farmer); when they're not playing we've been doing little projects together. yesterday, for example, sena wanted to write a book, and i helped her. aiyana joined in and made her own book. sena's book is 6 pages long. first, she illustrated each page, and then, with my help, wrote the text. i suggested that we do one or two sentences per page, but she had a lot to say, so it ended up being more like a paragraph for the first few pages. she told me what she wanted to write, and i helped her figure out how to spell it, by sounding out the words. it went really well at first, but after about half hour, we both got tired and started to get frustrated. my thing is that when we're doing something, if it's not fun, we should stop doing it, so i tried to suggest that we stop and continue the next day, but she was really into it.... so we finished the page she was working on, and continued the rest today. aiyana only illustrated her book; she wanted to write something too, but she can't write any words yet, so she only made an "A", and an "O". anyway, they were both really proud and excited with their books when they were done today, and i am really excited too. it was a lot of fun, and i learned something as well: to respect their short attention span, as well as my own feelings.

the other thing i'm very excited about is our garden. last tuesday was fall equinox, and it got me thinking about what we grew and how it turned out. it's been so great having a garden, and this year was more productive than last. we are still learning a lot, of course, and probably will be for a long time. eating food that we grew ourselves has been pretty amazing (i say we, but really ed did all of the farming work, and i did mostly picking and cooking)... i still can't get over the "miracle" of a perfect pepper, or a tomato, or whatever it is that grows, seemingly, out of the dirt. i find it really humbling to think about what it took to grow our food, the soil, the water, the sun, the seed, our work, and how all of that combined and intertwined to produce something that sustains us. when i cook food from our garden, i feel like it's an act of reverence, and i do so with much more awareness and respect than i used to in the past. you know that saying "you are what you eat", i never quite got it before, but now i do. when i eat kale, for example, i feel that all of the things that it took for the kale to grow and flourish are now becoming part of me, and so i feel not only nourished, but more connected to everything around me - the earth, the sun, the water...

i made a list of everything we planted this year, and commented about what, if anything, we'd like to do differently in the future. here's what it looks like:

kale: this has been an amazing crop, it sustained us since spring. it's still going strong now;
carrots: had a good crop, but need to plant more; we all love them - the kids, esp. eat them raw out of the ground;
beets: same as carrots; kids eat them like candy;
basil: great, but had too much of it; made pesto and used in cooking;
dill: love it. i cook it in many dishes; the smell of it always reminds me of mamaia's cooking.
parsley: great crop this year;
beans: sena, ed and i love them; plant more next year;
peas: kids love them; had a lot, but could increase next year;
arugula: planted too much this year;
peppers: great, but slugs damaged lots of them before they had a chance to turn red...
zucchini: we didn't plant any this year, but had a volunteer plant which produced quite a bit...plant more next year;
lettuces: great crop, plant a little less maybe next year;
spinach: had enough this year;
tomatoes: great crop this year; froze lots for the winter; plant a little more next year;
corn: definitely need to plant more next year; we only had a about 15 plants, but they did great, and the kids love them.

here's what i think would be nice to add in the future:
potatoes: staple at our house; definitely need some;
onions: this is also a staple; i use them in everything i cook;
garlic: same as onions;
butternut squash: this sustains us during the winter; planted some this year, but all died...
cucumbers: easy crop, but ours didn't come up this year; plant again in the future.

now when i look at this list, i'm amazed at how much we grew (not if i compare myself with most of my friends in CT, only if i consider my background).i'm also amazed that i care about this as much as i do, a "city slicker" like myself, as ed used to call me. but there's definitely something really cool about growing our own food. besides feeling more connected, as i said above, there's also a certain feeling of confidence in doing this. confidence in the sense that we can take care of ourselves, if need be, and don't have to be so dependent on supermarkets and that whole system of food production. having money and being able to buy things is great, but being able to produce our own food feels qualitatively different, somehow more fundamental.

next year i'd also like to get more into preserving food for the winter. this year, i froze tomatoes, which i will cook with, and ed made dried apple chips (which the kids love as a snack); we also dried some herbs, like basil, parsley and dill; but it would be fun to be able to preserve more, maybe do some canning. i haven't had the time to do this yet, but with the kids growing and becoming more independent, things may look different next year.... a root cellar would be great too, for preserving root vegetables like onions, carrots, potatoes, etc., but we'll need to buy a house first i guess.

this is probably way too much info for most people reading my blog. sorry, i got carried away....

Happy Anniversary Joyce and Barry!

it was ed's parents' 40th wedding anniversary this sunday, so we (ed, i, chris and justina) had a surprise party for them. it was fun, especially since they really were surprised and seemed to enjoy themselves seeing so many friends and family.

we took this picture with everyone who was there:

taste organic

every year, we go to a festival called Taste Organic Connecticut. it's all about small organic farmers, and it takes place on a beautiful farm, in Coventry. there is excellent food, great live music, and lots of hanging out with people we know. there are crafts for the kids, a great swing, and lots of space for running around and being silly. this year they even had a singer just for kids, 'Jason the Bumblebee'. my kids loved him, and now ayiana wants him to come to her birthday party (in costume, of course). it turns out that he's a friend of our friends, so maybe i'll be able to arrange it...

anyway, here our some pics from the day:

Sena and Aiyana eating fresh corn-on-the-cob


reuniting with their friend Zephyr


trying out the hoola hoop


and riding in the chariot our friend Johnny made especially for this occasion


and finally, holding Tanah, Zephyr's little sister, while listening to 'jason the Bumblebee'. Sena was really pround of herself for holding Tanah; she was very gentle with her, and told me that she's ready for another baby...


peace

the last time i saw mamaia

what a beautiful time a year! i love it. the sun is still strong during the day, the breeze is cool, the air is clear and comfortable, and the trees are turning their most beautiful colors just before they draw in for the winter. i always get a little melancholy at this time of year. i am flooded with good memories from the past. the cool mornings, the crisp air, the smell of burning leaves bring out scattered memories.

lately, it's been mostly memories of romania and of mamaia. last year at this time, we were in romania, and it was the last time i saw mamaia. i can hardly say that romania is my country any more, i don't even really know what that means. (what, or where, is my country?) but there's definitely something in me that still resonates when i'm in romania, even when i think about it. last year, for instance, i was a little apprehensive about going, especially with 2 small kids. the first night there was awful, and i felt totally out of place. but things got better really quickly, and i really enjoyed the rest of the trip. i felt that inner resonance with places and people, with the food, with different sights, sounds and smells. i felt it especially strong in the countryside, at moeciu, where we spent a few days; and by the end of our trip, i was surprised to find myself thinking that i'd even miss bucharest, with its crowds, traffic and dust.

i saw mamaia for the last time two days before we flew back to the US. we went ot visit some of our relatives together. they set a nice meal for us, and they treated us like honored guests. i think they were especially excited about having ed at their house, and being able to talk to him about different things. we spoke about romania, and about international politics. the conversation mostly took place between my cousin, ed and i. i remember mamaia sitting there with us, asking me to pass her the grapes every once in a while. she loved grapes and they were at their sweetest at that time. she seemed really content to be just sitting there and eating, surrounded by family, listening to a conversation that she could not understand. she was really proud of my cousin for speaking english fluently, for being able to carry out a lengthy conversation with ed. before we left my relatives' house, we took these pictures:



my aunt offered to drive us back home, and we accepted. she drove downtown first, to drop ed, the kids and i off, and then she was going to drive mamia to her house. mamaia, the kids and i were sqeezed in the back seat. we didn't speak much, but i think we all felt comfortable. just as we arrived downtown, we passed a couple of cars stopped on the side of the road, and a group of people standing around, looking. someone was lying on the road, and ed said he was dead. the accident must have just happened, there was barely any traffic... the whole thing disturbed me. i was still thinking about it when my aunt pulled over on the side of the street to let us out. it was a bad spot, kind of in the way of traffic, so i didn't want to keep her there very long. we got out of
the car quickly. i was worried about the kids walking into traffic, so i held on to them really tighlty while we said goodbye. mamaia didn't come out - we just said goodbye, and i closed her door. i don't remember if i gave her a kiss. ed told me that this could be the last time i see her, but i didn't feel like this was a good spot for a lengthy goodbye. my aunt pulled away, and i waved to mamaia. i remember her waving and smiling from the back seat.

the next day, we were supposed to go see my other grandmother, bunica, and them mamaia if we had time. we ended up having a lot of problems with money, so we made it to the nursing home bunica was at, but we never made it to mamaia's. after we got back to the US, i spoke to mamaia, and she said that she was sorry we didn't get to say goodbye properly. she didn't realize that she wouldn't see us again; she said she felt dumb for not coming out of the car to hug us. i told her that it was all good...

so now i'm thinking about all these things again... i'm so glad that we went to romania, and that i got to see mamaia before she died, that she was able to meet sena and aiyana. she seemed so content with life that last day we saw her. so i do feel like it's all good, but i'm still a little nostalgic.

i feel that i will definitely go back to romania someday, but if mamaia's not there, i'm afraid it will feel empty. bunica is still there, so i'd like to visit her again, but i know that seeing us doesn't mean nearly as much to her as it did to mamaia, so there's less pull for me to go. i also think it's going to be weird going to mamaia's apartment, and not having her there. i have so much attachment to her place... i was told that a neighbor still waters mamaia's plants, so they're still alive. i'd like to see them. i'd also like to bring back with me some of mamaia's things. although i don't know if they'd feel out of place at my house...

a little change

in view of respecting everyone's needs, i've been trying something different at night this week. i've been putting the kids to bed as usual (including our reading / story-telling/ song/ and talk-about-our-day routine), and then i've been getting up and hanging out with ed (when i didn't feel too tired). this seemed to be working well, except for the fact that aiyana usually came and joined us 5 minutes after i left the bedroom. this wasn't the original intention, but it actually turned out to be really nice, since aiyana has been very sweet and mellow, and a pleasure to be around at that time of night. she's mostly been doing her own thing after getting out of bed, so ed and i got a little time to talk anyway. i think she just really wants to be with us. another nice thing is that ed got to spend time with her as well, and he seems to really enjoy it.

i still feel like we need to find a way to spend more one-on-one time in our family. sena and i got a few moments alone last night, and it felt good to be together, focused on each other only. she told me that she really missed that...